Coming Out for the Holidays: Family Acceptance Could Save Lives

As I noted in my most recent VEER Magazine column, studies indicate gay men are significantly more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts, with the numbers increasing exponentially during the holidays.  To me, the reason for this phenomenon is: (i) the family rejection many gays have experienced, (ii) alienation from the religious backgrounds in which they were raised and (iii) the forced effort to be "happy" during the holiday season.  Indeed, my holiday seasons during the first years of my "coming out" journey could be best described by two words: depression and therapy.  It took literally years of therapy to overcome the emotional and psychological damage I suffered from my Catholic upbringing.  And deep depression can lead to suicide attempts.  I survived two such attempts, both of which sent me to the hospital.  Thankfully, that was years ago and I have moved on in my life and I now find myself in a very different place emotionally and psychologically. But many in the LGBT community, especially those still in the early stages of "coming out" still find the holiday season to be challenging at best.  As a piece in USA Today notes, how families react to those coming out can literally make a difference at times between life and death.  Here are article highlight:

Holiday gatherings feel fraught for many families, but around-the-table affairs can put distinct pressures on those newly out as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

Maybe your cousin is going by different pronouns than last year. Perhaps a nephew makes first mention of a boyfriend from school. How a family reacts to such revelations can seriously impact that relative's wellbeing, said Jaime Grant, director of the LGBTQ advocacy group PFLAG.

Grant, a lesbian, was shunned by her mother when she came out in the early '80s. She missed a decade of holiday gatherings thereafter, she said, carrying a rejection that led to years of drug addiction. LGBT youth who feel highly rejected by families are three times as likely to use illegal drugs, according to 2009 research from San Francisco State University's Family Acceptance Project. They're eight times as likely to have attempted suicide. 

"It’s not just a feel-good thing. It’s a life-saving thing," said Grant, now a mother herself. "One of my kids is bi, and he is coming home for Thanksgiving to talk to me about his first semester at college — new crushes, student government, the whole bit."

Here's how to best offer support should a newly out guest join your table for the holidays, according to PFLAG.

First: Thank them for opening up to you“The first thing to say is, 'I feel so honored, blessed, happy, like a treasured person in your life that you want to share this with me,'" Grant said. "And then listen." Show interest and empathy. For some, coming out is a struggle, she said. For others, it's exciting. The person may offer up preferred pronouns, or mention a previously undisclosed partner, but don't rush the process or overstep by asking prying questions, Grant said.

Set the tone for acceptance among your familyReactions from family members may vary from surprise, to gladness, to dismay. Let them know how to address this new-to-them aspect of your guest's identity and that you expect them to be treated no less than anyone else at the table, said Marsha Aizumi, a PFLAG national board member from Pasadena, Calif. If a relative's coming out announcement came at the dinner table, "I would jump up and immediately give them a hug," she said. If unkind remarks fly, call them out; the brief discomfort doesn't outweigh any potentially damaging effects.

Help relatives process the new infoWhen Aizumi's transgender son came out during the holidays, she dealt with feelings of shame, fear and doubt. Family members might need time beyond a holiday to fully process the new information, she said. You can lift some burden from a newly out family member by having a dialogue and educating family members who have questions or seem less accepting. While it's important to allow space to reflect for yourself and others, Aizumi said, make clear to the newly out relative that you still love that person. "My son needed to hear it more than ever," she said.

Own your mistakes with graceEven family members striving to be inclusive can let an unintentional pronoun slip. Opportunities for fumbles and unintentional hurt abound as family members adjust and learn more about a newly out relative's orientation or identity. Fostering grace is key for all parties. There's nothing wrong with simply owning a mistake. 

Follow up after the holidayIn the days following a holiday gathering, check in with your newly out family member. Remind them you appreciated their presence. Ask them how they thought it went. Understand their journey with your family goes beyond this first holiday. Ben Hodges, the son of PFLAG President Jean Hodges, first introduced his partner to his family 21 years ago. "Remember that telling family and friends you are LGBTQ is a process," he said. "This is a healthy dialogue that will not be resolved over the holiday meal."

Sadly, far too many families do not follow this wise advice.  I was lucky and was fully accepted by my parents and siblings and aunts and uncles.  Even with such support, coming out was a difficult process.  Roughly 40% of homeless youths in America are LGBT, most having been disowned and discarded by their falsely pious parents who call themselves "Christian" or, in some cases, devout Muslims.  With three children of my own, I truly cannot fathom how anyone "Christian" can discard their own children due to the writings of ignorant, uneducated and unknown Bronze Age herders.   In memory of my parents, I endowed a scholarship fund to help graduating LGBT high school seniors who may have found themselves without parental financial support.  If you are inclined to donate to the fund, you can do so here.  The donation is tax deductible.

A Day Where I'd Like to Paddle Out and Not Come Back - Ever.

UPDATED November 1, 2014:  The darkness has passed.  Thanks for the words of comfort from readers.

Sadly, the waves are small and the water isn't really cold enough yet, but it's a day that sucks, I'm sick of work and wondering why I bother to go on. I keep reflecting on the fact that I'm way out side the suicide clause in my life insurance policy.  I haven't felt this bad in a long time.

What Do You Tell A Gay Man Who Is Afraid to Come Out of the Closet?

From time to time I receive requests for advice from gay men who are in the closet and struggling to either come out and rebuild a new life or who sometimes simply want a sympathetic ear.  Sometimes the requests come by e-mail, sometimes by telephone calls to me at the office and, on a few occasions, in person meetings.  The later always arise from a call seeking an appointment to discuss "a confidential matter."  Coming out is hard - perhaps the hardest thing one can do after years of being married to a woman and having children.  I experienced that road all too well.  But there is life after coming out even if it doesn't fall into place as quickly as we would want.  

Recently, I received a call from a man in a somewhat confounding situation.  He lives in a moderate sized city in the Bible Belt, is gay, is separated from his wife of many years but not divorced, is afraid to come out because of fears of what it would do to his career (which given the city he is in is likely a valid fear), yet he wants to find someone for a committed relationship who is like him in the closet.  He asked me for advise on how to find that special someone.  Frankly, I am at a loss as to what to tell him.  By not coming out, to my view, the opportunities of meeting someone are limited.  Craigslist or Adam4Adam, etc., are not exactly sites for finding a long term committed relationship. I'd love to receive readers' thoughts on this issue.

For those not living in a Bible Belt city, an advice column in the Washington Post had the advice I would more typically tell someone coming out.  Here is the column:

Q. Carolyn, my spouse told me earlier this week that they want a divorce. I had a gay affair, and they found out in November. I thought we might make it, and I was pushing for us to work past this, but it looks like that's not going to happen. We both love each other, but I guess emotional love isn't enough. The thing is -- I don't even know where to start. I can't tell my family. I don't want to come out. I feel like a failure. No one in my family is divorced. Is there a step-by-step guide to this? Where do I live? What do I tell people? How do I navigate? (we have no kids, and we've already agreed to split everything 50/50, so this will be painful but not spiteful. I just don't know what to DO and I feel paralyzed.)

A. Carolyn Hax :

I can't tell my family.

Yes, you can, and have to. The bulk of your problem(s) right now trace right back to this truth: Who you are and the life you're living are not in harmony. You are one person and trying to live as another. Until you resolve this fundamental dissonance, you will remain at a loss for what to do next. Where you start is to accept who you are, then you decide how you want to live (from among the options available to you, I should say, since the option of preserving the illusion of your marriage is now off the table).

I don't want to come out.

See above.

I feel like a failure.

You are not a failure; your marriage has failed. Big difference. This will go a whole lot better if you resist the urge to see cosmic meaning in earthly things. When it all feels overwhelming, take each piece and deal with it as pragmatically as you can. Make lists, for example: 1. Find place to live. 2. Schedule the move. 3. Notify people on need-to-know basis. Etc.

 

No one in my family is divorced.

Hey, somebody had to be first! Flippant as hell, but you know what? You go with it. It's the only option that won't make you nuts.

Is there a step-by-step guide to this?

No, but ... well, there probably is a guide in a blog somewhere, so I'll leave that to Google. But right now what you probably need more than anything is a safe place to sort out all of your feelings in this. A good, reputable therapist is an investment in your future, at this point, one I suggest you make. (Don't be afraid to shop around.)

Where do I live?

Not for me to say, but, if you're really unsure, look for something short term while you regain your emotional footing.

What do I tell people?

"[Wife] and I are separating. I'd rather not get into details right now, thanks."

How do I navigate?

With confidence that you will be okay, and that any seismic shifts will be scary but also necessary and, for that reason, ultimately to your benefit. Hang in there.

I have found that often our own fears and the fear of what others will think are our biggest obstacles. We cannot let them paralyze us and keep us trapped.

White Heterosexual Men Have the Fewest Friends

Studies indicate that white heterosexual men have the fewest close friends.  A piece in Salon looks at the issue:

Of all people in America, adult, white, heterosexual men have the fewest friends. Moreover, the friendships they have, if they’re with other men, provide less emotional support and involve lower levels of self-disclosure and trust than other types of friendships. When men get together, they’re more likely to do stuff than have a conversation. Friendship scholar Geoffrey Greif calls these “shoulder-to-shoulder” friendships, contrasting them to the “face-to-face” friendships that many women enjoy. If a man does have a confidant, three-quarters of the time it’s a woman, and there’s a good chance she’s his wife or girlfriend.

[R]esearch shows that boys are just as likely as girls to disclose personal feelings to their same-sex friends and they are just as talented at being able to sense their friends’ emotional states.

But, at about age 15 to 16 — right at the same age that the suicide rate of boys increases to four times the rate of girls — boys start reporting that they don’t have friends and don’t need them. Because Way interviewed young men across each year of high school, she was able to document this shift. One boy, Justin, said this in his first year, when he was 15:

[My best friend and I] love each other… that’s it… you have this thing that is deep, so deep, it’s within you, you can’t explain it.

By his senior year, however, this is what he had to say about friendship:

[My friend and I] we mostly joke around. It’s not like really anything serious or whatever… I don’t talk to nobody about serious stuff…

Why?  Some posit that it's because of the (in my view) sick macho mentality in which men are raised and taught to hide their feelings and never show weakness or any traits that might suggest femininity.  And then there is the so-called gay panic syndrome: men cannot show affection towards without facing possible accusations of being gay.  Andrew Sullivan looks at these toxic causes.  Here are highlights:

Lisa Wade blames the conditioning boys undergo in their teens:

[M]en are pressed — from the time they’re very young — to disassociate from everything feminine. This imperative is incredibly limiting for them. Paradoxically, it makes men feel good because of a social agreement that masculine things are better than feminine things, but it’s not the same thing as freedom. It’s restrictive and dehumanizing. It’s oppression all dressed up as awesomeness. And it is part of why men have a hard time being friends.

To be close friends, men need to be willing to confess their insecurities, be kind to others, have empathy and sometimes sacrifice their own self-interest. “Real men,” though, are not supposed to do these things. They are supposed to be self-interested, competitive, non-emotional, strong (with no insecurities at all), and able to deal with their emotional problems without help. Being a good friend, then, as well as needing a good friend, is the equivalent of being girly.

Katy Waldman thinks it’s also about gay panic: 

Wade doesn’t mention the rainbow elephant in the room, but I wonder whether men are less afraid of girliness here than homosexuality. In many ways, it’s a distinction without a difference, since homophobes tend to imagine gay men as effete.

Daisy Buchanan believes one solution is to battle the stigma against boys making friends with girls:

I don’t believe men are naturally wired to be any less intimate and caring than women are. But if young boys grow up in a world where they’re mocked for pursuing friendships with girls, and don’t see enough examples of friendships between older men, it’s going to cause huge problems for men and women later in life. Without a network of friends, boys are going to grow up to feel confused, lonely and alienated.

Personally, I think the American image of manliness is very fu*ked up.  Perhaps not surprisingly, I never fit the societal model and always found that, with a few exceptions, I usually had girls as my closest friends.  Being gay even though in the closet for decades possibly a part of the reason I did not fit the supposed idealized male stereotype.  I will say that since coming out, I have developed many more friendships with other males than in all the years prior to coming out.  

New Study: Anti-Gay Laws Harm LGBT Individuals

A new study out of the University of Michigan School of Public Health reaches conclusions that are no surprise to most LGBT individuals: anti-gay laws harm LGBT individuals.  Harming gays, after all is the real motivation behind such laws.  They may be dressed up as efforts to "protect marriage" or to support "family values," but the real goal is to stigmatize, marginalize and make life in general as difficult as possible for LGBT citizens.  The Michigan Daily has details on the study findings.  Here are excerpts:

New research out of the School of Public Health breathes urgency to the polarizing issue of gay marriage, by highlighting the depressive and psychosocial impact of such restrictive legislation on young gay men, especially in regard to their fatherhood aspirations. 

The study was conducted by Assistant Public Health Prof. José Bauermeister and was published in this month’s issue of the Journal of Youth and Adolescence. The report builds upon a growing body of research on the psychological effects of government policy. 

Bauermeister analyzed the survey results against state-specific LGB policies, including bans on marriage equality, same-sex joint parenting and second parent adoption. He stressed the importance of including policies not just limited to marriage equality saying less frequently discussed policies are also restrictive.

“You stick another layer into it and you start seeing a lot of parenting laws and bans in place that prohibit either a single gay or lesbian man or woman to adopt or to have a child and then have a second same-sex parent added as a guardian of that child, or to adopt jointly,” Bauermeister said.

The results confirmed Bauermeister’s hypothesis that men who plan on raising children had higher levels of depression and lower levels of self-esteem in states with LGB restrictive policies than men with the same aspirations in states without the bans.

Public Health Prof. Gary Harper said politicians that propose such restrictive policies are often more concerned with getting reelected than with the consequences the policies produce. 

“(Politicians) need to realize that those restrictions do have real-world influences on individuals, especially adolescents who are developing their sense of self and sense of who they are,” Harper said. “That’s a really critical time and these restrictive and oppressive laws can have an extremely damaging impact on the adolescent.”

“If from very early on you were told that you are not as good as everybody else, then you are not going to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem because at every turn you are told you’re not as good as other people,” Harper said. “When we have marriage restriction laws, we are basically saying to a young gay person, ‘Your love for another person is not recognized by the state, so that means it’s not as good as heterosexual love.’ ”

Hawaii and Illinois recently became the most recent states to pass legislation legalizing gay marriage. Harper is happy with the progress, but said that there is a fundamental problem.

“If we live in a country where we say that all people are created equal and we have protection on almost every other identity characteristic under the sun," Harper said. “Why is it this one factor is the only factor that we federally, legally discriminate?”

The answer to the last question is easy: we give far too much deference to conservative Christianity and have allowed it to become a de facto established religion in America.  This needs to end.

Early Morning Doldrums - Does It Ever Really Get Better?

It's 5:00 AM and I can't sleep thanks to anxiety issues over work, what I am going to do with my house in Norfolk now that my daughter and her family have moved out to escape the lawlessness seemingly escalating around the ODU campus while the City of Norfolk remains indifferent, and a host of other things.  I know that I have depression issues and maybe this is just a low point. Or maybe it's just a realization that my life has been one succession of disasters after another which makes me wonder what's the point of going on.  Any happiness seems to be negated ten fold by the bad.  I've been in this place before.  

Once I addressed this kind of low point with a bottle of Xanax.  Another time with lots of alcohol in a running car in a closed garage.  Would it have been better if those attempted solutions had succeeded?  I honestly don't know.  The "It Gets Better" campaign argues that things are improving for gays.  It's an outlook that is hard to hang on to living in a state like Virginia where progress isn't happening.  And where the Virginia GOP just nominated the most frightening anti-gay ticket in the history of the state.  Congressional Democrats throwing gays under the bus on immigration reform doesn't instill confidence for the future either.  It is exhausting waiting for things to get better - especially when deep down you know they won't.  Not for you, not in Virginia.

We are supposed to be heading to Washington, D.C., for a wedding this weekend.  I don't even want to go any more.  I had thought it would be a great get away.  Now, with the house and other things hanging over me, the prospect of fun and happiness are gone.  A cloud hangs over everything.  I feel like a swimmer swimming against the current and wonder if I shouldn't just end putting on a brave facade and let the current sweep me away. 

Virginia Judge Allows Anti-Gay Bully and Negligent School Aministrators Off

Yesterday Circuit Court Judge R. Bruce Long dismissed a lawsuit against administrators at Grafton High School in Yorktown who failed to intervene and stop the incessant bullying of Christian Taylor (pictured at left) who eventually committed suicide on May 31, 2010.  Despite repeated complaints to school officials, the bully in this instance was never suspended and no meaningful steps were taken to protect Taylor.  The message to would be bullies and negligent school personnel- especially in reactionary areas like York County, Virginia -  is have at it, bully all you want and look the other way because there will be no consequences.  One can only hope that Taylor's family appeals this travesty.  The reality is that Virginia's anti-bullying policies remain a joke and seem more focused on protecting school personnel and bullies than their victims.  The second reality is that the lives of LGBT individuals and those perceived to be gay have little value to many in the state's judiciary.   Here are highlights from the Virginia Gazette on this sad result:

A judge on Friday dismissed a $10 million wrongful death lawsuit against three current and former Grafton High School administrators that alleged they did not stop the bullying of a student who committed suicide in 2010.

Circuit Judge R. Bruce Long dismissed the lawsuit after a jury determined the student, Christian Taylor, did not kill himself as the result of an irresistible impulse. Under Virginia law if someone who committed suicide is found to be of sound mind at the time when he or she died — or did not die as the result of an irresistible impulse — it is considered an illegal act, which means the lawsuit could not go forward.

Taylor, who was 16 at the time of his death, was found hanging in his bedroom closet on May 31, 2010. His mother, Alise Williams, filed the lawsuit in July 2010, which alleged the school administrators should be held liable for her son's death because they did not adequately stop the bullying of her son.

The ruling comes after four days of testimony from school officials, Taylor's mother and friends, a psychologist, psychiatrist and former school superintendents from New York and Hanover County who testified as experts in school administration.

Attorney O.J. Labell on Friday told the jury the case had come down to a "battle of the experts" between the testimony of psychologist Earl Flora, a witness for Taylor, and psychiatrist Dr. Eileen Ryan, a witness for the school administrators.

On Friday, Ryan testified that she did not think Taylor was suffering from the clinical diagnosis of major depression nor did she think he was of "unsound mind" at the time of his death or that his death was the result of an irresistible impulse.

In short, to Ryan - who I am certain was paid by the school system - and the judge, Taylor was the law breaker, not his bully or the school administrators who allowed his torment to continue.  As one who had two serious suicide attempts in the past myself (each sent me to the hospital), how any supposed mental health care professional can say that one is of a "sound mind" when they take their own life is ludicrous.  One is at best temporarily not of a sound mind and also likely suffering from depression.  Moreover, many suicides appear in good moods shortly before they act because they have finally decided to act and have a sense that their pain is about to be over.  Again, I've been there.  In my opinion, I pity anyone receiving mental health care treatment  from Ms. Ryan. They should find a new health care provider immediately, in my opinion.

I have said many times before that I would not recommend that any LGBT consider moving to Virginia.   That still holds true.  I give the same advice to any progressive, modern business seeking to relocate.  If Virginia is on your list, you need to seriously reconsider.  Virginia could be a wonderful state, but that will never happen until the power of the Christofascists and the Republican Party of Virginia is broken.  Until that happens ignorance and bigotry will remain hallmarks of the state.

The Health Benefits of Coming Out

As readers who have followed this blog from its inception know, coming out of the closet is not an easy process at any age, especially after years of marriage and three children. But as a new study shows, coming out and living openly can result in real health benefits.  Yes, that's right coming out is good for one's mental health and reduces stress levels.  Out gay men are less stressed and suffer from less depression than even heterosexual men.  And in contrast to closeted gays, out gays are even more stress free and far less depressed.  In some ways, the findings are simple common sense if one thinks about it.   I for one know that I am far happier and have a much better level of self-acceptance than I ever had during my closeted years.  A piece in Slate looks at the study findings.  Here are some highlights:

Research shows that LGBT people, especially those living in the closet, face disproportionate stresses, including higher risk of anxiety and depression. But a study published this week in Psychosomatic Medicine uncovered something surprising: Heterosexual men had higher levels of depression than gay and bisexual men. Less surprising but still important: Lesbians, gays, and bisexuals who are open about their sexuality had less stress than those who conceal it.

The authors gave several hypotheses to explain the surprising finding that straight men have higher stress than out gay men.  .   .  .   .  hypotheses related to the character-building component of surviving and rejecting years of shame and stigma. Perhaps this struggle produces coping skills that straight men never need to learn.

Or do they? .   .  .  .   Men suffered from gender inequality, too, and faced a whole added level of stress born of the internalized belief that they must adhere to certain roles, especially those of breadwinner and protector, which discouraged them from expressing vulnerabilities, fears, and emotional needs.   These burdens have been built into our laws and culture for years. Recall that the rationale for the military’s ban on open gays had nothing to do with the abilities of gay people but was an accommodation to the special needs of straight men. The late sociologist Charles Moskos, who coined “don’t ask, don’t tell,” testified before Congress that because of the “sexual insecurities” of straight men, “this is exactly why we need the ban.”

[I]n reality, resistance to equality was more complex, rooted in the fragile identity of the modern male. As I recently explained, both Moskos and members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff opposed women in combat in the 1990s not because of ability or even distraction but because of their attachment to cultural ideas about gender.

Gay people have been dealing with this kind of “logic” for years. And it has a silver lining. For all the added struggles of being LGBT, the experience of coming out to someone who says, “I love you even so” can create a sense of acceptance and relief that many straight people never get to enjoy. Those who have never come out about anything as traditionally shameful as being queer remain silently burdened by responsibilities, roles, and a level of repression—often self-imposed—that add needless stress to their lives.

The dramatic leaps forward in LGBT equality over the past few years have not only been about legal equality but about replacing shame with dignity. In addition to the right to serve in uniform and marry in several states, gay people have enjoyed a new sense of liberation from needless emotional repression.

In 1993, Gerald Garvey and John DiIulio, then politics professors at Princeton, wrote an article in the New Republic explaining that the reason for the military’s gay ban was that, “by military cultural definition, a soldier can’t be gay and be a part of all that is best or most cherished in military life and lore.” The same was true of women. Now it’s true of neither. Yet for straight men, the stresses of performing manhood persist. The authors of the study say their findings confirm the importance of disclosure. Hopefully straight men can recognize that they, too, inhabit a closet of sorts, from which they can liberate themselves.

Growing Up Gay in America - Not a Pretty Picture Thanks to "Godly Christians"

The Christianist enemies of LGBT equality whine incessantly about being concerned about the welfare of children.  The results of a new HRC sponsored survey of LGBT youth makes it clear that the welfare of LGBT youth is nowhere on the radar of these supposed protectors of child welfare.  Indeed, thanks to the handiwork of the Christianists in fanning the flames of homophobia and disseminating the lie that sexuality is a "choice" and changeable" LGBT youth suffer much more in many ways than their heterosexual counterparts.  Do the "godly Christians" give a damn about these victims?  Of course not.  Their sole focus is on power, forcing their religious views on all citizens and, last but not least the money they rake in using the "gay agenda" as a bogey man t frighten the ignorant and the simple minded.  Here is a sampling of what the HRC survey revealed: 

The deck is stacked against young people growing up lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender in America. Official government discrimination or indifference along with social ostracism leaves many teens disaffected and disconnected in their own homes and neighborhoods.  With an increase in public awareness about anti-LGBT bullying and harassment and the strikingly high number of LGBT youth who are homeless, in foster care, or living in high-risk situations, it is critical that we get a better understanding of the experiences, needs, and concerns of LGBT youth.

This groundbreaking research among more than 10,000 LGBT-identified youth ages 13-17 provides a stark picture of the difficulties they face. The impact on their well-being is profound, however these youth are quite resilient. They find safe havens among their peers, online and in their schools. They remain optimistic and believe things will get better. Nevertheless, the findings of Growing Up LGBT in America are a call to action for all adults who want to ensure that young people can thrive.  The survey measured key factors that impact the daily lives of LGBT youth .  .  . 

Compared with their peers, LGBT youth in this survey report a greater sense of isolation or separation from their community in general, and among specific community activities. Fewer LGBT youth have an adult in their community to talk with if they feel worried or sad, compared with their peers. When thinking of their future, LGBT youth believe to a greater extent than their peers that they must leave their community to make their hopes and dreams come true.

LGBT youth are twice as likely as their peers to say they will need to move to another town or part of the country to feel accepted. Among LGBT youth, 63% say they will need to move, while 31% of their peers report the same.

LGBT youth are about twice as likely as their peers to have been verbally harassed and called names outside of school (in the neighborhood or mall, etc.) as well as to have been physically assaulted outside of school.

LGBT youth are more than two times as likely as non-LGBT youth to say they have been verbally harassed and called names at school. Among LGBT youth, half (51%) have been verbally harassed at school, compared to 25% among non-LGBT students.

Nearly six in ten LGBT youth (57%) say that churches or places of worship in their community are not accepting of LGBT people; a third (35%) say their own church or place of worship is not accepting.

Less than a third of LGBT youth (32%) chose their family among a list of places where they most often hear
positive messages about being LGBT; nearly half (46%) chose their family among a list of places where they most often hear negative messages about being LGBT.

You get the drift.  For more details, read the report.  So much of the unhappiness tracks directly or indirectly back to the poisonous atmosphere in society for LGBT individuals that is kept alive by fundamentalist religious belief, one of the great evils of our time.  So much pain and so much unhappiness just so self-congratulatory bigots like Maggie Gallagher, Tony Perkins, Bryan Fischer, Pope Benedict XVI, Cardinal Timoth Dolan, Albert Mohler, et al, can feel good about themselves while raking in the bucks from the misery they sow.  It is disgusting.  And it's one of the main reasons why I want nothing to do with the name "Christian."

Christmas Eve Thoughts

It's not exactly Christmas like weather here in Hampton Roads (upper 50's). To be more in the winter time mood I posted a photo taken today at the lake -which has frozen over - where our summer house is in the Adirondacks. The law office closed Thursday evening and will reopen Tuesday morning. Not that it hasn't been hectic. We worked most of yesterday preparing for a family brunch today and an open house at our home on Christmas Day. Then we visited friends in Yorktown, then visited my 96 year old aunt in Virginia Beach before attending a holiday party hosted by friends in Ghent in Norfolk (I was "over served" in the course of the festivities. Today has been a whirlwind so far with the boyfriend and I hosting the brunch for his extended family and one of my daughters and her boyfriend. It was great seeing my daughter!

Next we are headed back to Virginia Beach for dinner with one of the boyfriend's long time clients and her family. After that, it will either be going to church or going to a favorite club that's open tonight. In some ways I think I'd have a more spiritual experience dancing at the club. We'll see.

Christmas Day, we are hosting an open house and should have a number of friends stopping by who either don't have family in the area or who may be looking for a break from family gatherings. On Monday, both my daughters and their boyfriends will be coming over and staying for dinner.

As the narrative above demonstrates, my holidays have improved immensely since the ones I experienced when I first came out. Those first couple of Christmas seasons were among the worse ones of my life. Thankfully, I failed in my suicide attempts and I'm around to enjoy the vastly better circumstances with which I am now blessed. My message to others making the coming out journey is that it does get better even if not at the pace we'd like. It's so very important to hang on to that truth even in the darkest hours. As alone as you may feel, it will not last forever. I'm living proof.

Fighting Holiday Loneliness

As I have noted before, early in my coming out journey, the holiday season was the worse time of the year for me. All I did was focus on what I'd lost - and the fact that I had not yet found anything meaningful to replace it. The fact that my late parents were totally accepting of me (admittedly something wonderful) did little to replace the emptiness. Separation from my children on days like Thanksgiving and Christmas only further aggravated the situation. In fact, for the first two years of my coming out journey, the holidays found me most often simply wanting to die.

From e-mails I have received over the course of the weekend, I know that there are many others in the dark place that I once inhabited too much of the time. A common complaint is that the formerly married gay man has left his marriage and now has no one in their life. The result is that they are terrified that they will be alone forever. This was certainly a common theme during my sessions with my therapist who nearly pulled his hair out at times when I was insistent that I could not survive if I was alone. In retrospect, his lectures that I needed to find a way to be happy and confident in myself even if I remained single forever were worthwhile. At the time, it was a message that I simply did NOT want to hear. The other thing that I've come to appreciate after the fact is the reality that if one is caught up in a constant pity party, you're not going to strike most people as attractive husband material. In fact, potential partners may discretely run from you.

Reaching that point of contentment with being alone, however, is easier said than done. I am frequently asked how I reached a point of being content with being alone if that were to be the hand I was dealt. that point. The answer is not easy to explain. But I will give it a shot for both those who have contacted me and others who have not but who are suffering quietly alone. One step in the process for me involved jumping prematurely into what in many ways was an utterly disastrous relationship. I won't go into all the gory details - old posts on this blog from the time period of the long overdue break up of that relationship have already done that. Suffice it to say, I finally came to see that being alone was far better than being immersed in a dysfunctional relationship that carried constant high drama.

Concurrent with the break up, I found ways to be busy and around people even though I did not have a significant other. At the time, HRBOR (www.hrbor.org) was newly launched and I immersed myself in building the organization. I had one gay couple that remain the best of friends and often I'd simply hang out with them rather than stay home alone. Involvement in the Legends Committee for Equality Virginia's fall fundraiser likewise was a means to (1) stay busy and (2) meet new people within the LGBT community. This blog also provided a means to have a "cyberspace family" that I could communicate with daily. Through these efforts and others, I was able to see that I had a purpose in my life and that I could participate in making a difference. It all sort of jelled and I came to believe that I could have a full and purposeful life even if I never found "Mr. Right." The result was that guys came to see me - rightly or wrongly - as "having my shit together" and being someone self-confident and self-sufficient. In short, someone who was husband material. And guess what, that's when I met my current partner of over 3 years.

Was the process along the way fun and easy? Not at all much of the time and I was often outside my comfort zone in a major way. I had to force myself to stay engaged at times, but in the long run, it was worth every moment of effort and/or discomfort. And my message to other in the dark places I once knew too well is that you CAN make the transition too. I'm proof that it can be done.

Coming Out - Ten Years Later

This blog began as a form of therapy for me and a means to share my coming out journey with others in the hope that it might help others to avoid my missteps and to help others know that they are not alone no matter how alone they may feel in darker moments.

That said, today to the best of my calculation marks the tenth anniversary of the day I first came out to my former wife. Prior to that date I had struggled for the better part of thirty nine (39) years trying to convince myself that what I knew in my heart about my sexual orientation was not really true. As part of that internal mental contortion process, as long time readers know, I married and fathered three children> In addition, I tried to be everything that church and society told me I should be. Over time, however, it all began to fall apart and I came to realize that I just could not continue to live my life as an actor on a stage if you will. I had to either to do something about my situation and “come out” or kill myself. I chose the former, unwittingly almost on National Coming Out Day.

So very much has changed since that fateful day a decade ago, not the least of which is that I have achieved a level of self-acceptance that had previously eluded me all my life. That’s not to say that such self-acceptance and inner peace with who I am came easily or overnight. I first had to overcome a sense of shame about being gay and a sense of failure that I had not been able to keep up the role playing and had thereby failed my children. In addition, I had to rebuild a future even as my world as I had known it crashed and disintegrated all around me. And along that path I seriously flirted with suicide when my sense of failure and an unknown future overwhelmed me.

Contributing to the sometimes nightmare like journey, I also had to deal with being forced from my law firm for being gay and a nasty and contentious divorce. Coming out is likely never an easy process, but coming out later in life definitely entails additional challenges both in terms of one’s former spouse and one’s children. Is the ordeal worth it? I say without reservation that, yes, it is. It’s impossible to put a price on one’s soul and self-acceptance. And to me, remaining in the closet is a form of selling one’s soul. How did I survive the process? Here are a few highlights.

First, I will readily admit that without the efforts of two wonderful therapists I would perhaps never overcome the sense of shame and failure and made it through the coming out process. One, an ordained minister, helped me rid myself of shame and the brainwashing/psychological abuse of the religious tradition in which I had been raised. Leaving that faith tradition for one more accepting of LGBT individuals also played an important role in the process. Remaining in a church setting that denigrates you constantly is extremely unhealthy. The other therapist played the much needed role of someone who could be objective when I was unable to be objective and who could help me to believe that I did indeed have a future (even if the details were not yet known). The particularly unwavering support and love of one of my children also played a critical role.

When I came initially came out I had a picture in my mind’s eye of what I wanted: a committed monogamous relationship with a wonderful man with whom I could be complete emotionally and in terms of my sexual orientation. The difficult part for me was to find a way to believe that what I envisioned and longed for would actually happen in time, particularly since when I came out, I knew virtually no one in the local LGBT community. Too often during my darkest days – and I had many of them - I saw the future as a black empty screen. It was very hard at times to remain positive and making the coming out journey was arduous.

But the longer term reality is that I did achieve my vision. I am happily partnered with one of the sweetest individuals that I have ever known. Like all couples we have our differences and frictions, but overall, he is everything that I wanted. And I have a great relationship with my children even though things were difficult at times during the contentious divorce. The lesson in hindsight is to be patient – not my strongest suit – and to believe in yourself and that you DO have a positive future. It is also important to realize that building a new life takes concerted effort and that you have to take the initiative to make things happen. Getting involved in the LGBT community and LGBT activism was a life saver for me and it truly allowed me to rebuild my social world and helped my law practice in the process.

For those coming out tomorrow and in the future, remember that you CAN survive and find happiness. It will involve hard work and rejection by some, but it IS worth it. It's terrifying at times but so wonderful to finally live one's life as it was meant to be lived.

Let Me Tell You a Story

Some have questioned as to why I wrote the post yesterday on this blog and a similar story on The Bilerico Project about Equality Virginia’s promotion of a law firm with what I consider to be a confirmed anti-gay history. One EV board member even chastised me for "tearing others apart" “over personal agenda items” and complained that I refused to remain quiet when I “don’t like the resolution.” The best way to respond to these questions and criticisms is to tell a simple story. It’s a story of what this EV promoted law firm did to me. Here it is:
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It was 2004 and for many months my Norfolk based law firm, Payne, Gates, Farthing & Radd, had been in merger discussions with Virginia Beach based Wolcott Rivers. While the transaction was described as a merger, a takeover of my firm by Wolcott Rivers was a more true explanation of what was happening. The consolidation of the firms was to be effective December 1, 2004.
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I had finally come out at work during 2003 – partly because some of the staff had inadvertently discovered my secret and partly because I could not take the stress of being in the closet at work. For the most part, the firm did not treat it as any big deal. Before events that would later take place in November, 2004, the only time it was an issue was in the spring of 2004 after I had written a letter to the editor opposing the statute then pending in the Virginia General Assembly that was the precursor to the Marshall-Newman anti-gay amendment to Virginia’s Constitution. It seems the folks at Wolcott Rivers did not like my letter and I received a reprimand. But for that, things seemed to progress uneventfully toward the so-called merger.
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Then, on or about November 3, 2004, I was called into a meeting and summarily told that the decision had been made that I was not to be included in the new combined firm. Apparently, the powers that be at Wolcott Rivers thought that having an openly gay attorney in the firm would “offend the sensibilities” of conservative firm clients. In moments I was unemployed in my 50’s. Never mind that I had two children I was still supporting and not insignificant support payments I had to make each month to my former wife. I was devastated and distraught. But only the “sensibilities” of unnamed homophobic clients mattered to the folks at Wolcott Rivers.
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I briefly took the only position I could find with a law firm of much lesser quality which in short order blew apart and I again found myself with no firm and no income. Surviving on IRA withdrawals I started my own firm – no Hampton Roads law firms to date to date have hired any openly gay attorneys, so I had no alternative – and I have struggled to build a practice in a very much down economy. Along the way, I had to file personal bankruptcy and engaged in two suicide attempts because of depression largely brought on by my financial meltdown. My level of income has never recovered and possibly never will. All thanks to the powers that be at Wolcott Rivers.

Yes, in some ways this might be called a “personal agenda” item since my career was largely destroyed to protect the sensibilities of bigots both within and outside of Wolcott Rivers. But looking at the larger picture, I find it unconscionable that EV can in any way hold a firm such as Wolcott Rivers out as a resource to the LGBT community.

Religion, Hate Crimes and Anti-Gay Bullying

As the San Francisco Chronicle and other outlets are reporting, a new study published in the Journal of School Health, the journal of the American School Health Association, has confirmed what many of us in the LGBT community already knew: high levels of anti-gay bullying increase the levels of depression, suicide attempts that require medical care, STD's and risk for HIV in LGBT teens and young adults. The report also underscores the importance of addressing and preventing anti-LGBT victimization at the structural or school level to reduce health disparities among LGBT young people. Here are some highlights from the Chronicle article:

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They found that LGBT young adults who were victimized in school because of their LGBT identity reported much higher health and adjustment problems, while students with low levels of school victimization had higher self-esteem and life satisfaction as young adults.

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"We now have evidence of the lasting personal and social cost of failing to make our schools safe for all students. Prior studies have shown that school victimization of LGBT adolescents affects their health and mental health. In our study we see the effects of school victimization up to a decade later or more. It is clear that there are public health costs to LGBT-based bullying over the long-term," said lead author, Stephen T. Russell, Ph.D., Distinguished Professor, University of Arizona.

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Director of the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University and study co-author Caitlin Ryan, Ph.D., pointed out, "The pervasiveness of bullying and lack of research on outcomes in adulthood have masked the serious long-term health costs for LGBT children and youth.

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LGBT young adults who reported high levels of LGBT school victimization during adolescence were 5.6 times more likely to report having attempted suicide, 5.6 times more likely to report a suicide attempt that required medical care, 2.6 times more likely to report clinical levels of depression, and more than twice as likely to have been diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease and to report risk for HIV infection, compared with peers who reported low levels of school victimization.
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So who/what is responsible for the continued bullying of LGBT individuals with utter disregard for the real and serious consequences? To me, the answer is blatantly obvious: religion and its extremist adherents who are only happy when trashing others and making the lives of others a living Hell. A column in the Capetown Mail & Guardian (influenced no doubt by the "corrective rape" of area lesbians) supports this conclusion. Here are some highlights:
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As regards the claim that I unfairly and inaccurately blame religion for hate crimes against gays and lesbians in South Africa, let me reiterate what I wrote in the previous post: I do not exclusively blame religion. My point is more nuanced. It is that organised religion (or some prevalent fanatical religious preaching, then) has a role to play in and therefore a responsibility for the perpetration of hate crimes against homosexuals.
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Organised religion’s role in and responsibility for hate crimes ensues as a direct result of its dogmatic teachings according to which homosexuality is an abomination. In 1986, the Catholic Church, on the basis of the above belief, officially opposed extending civil rights protection to homosexual people. It does not take the intellect of a rocket scientist to see that the flipside of the coin amounted to the condonation of anti-gay violence.
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No one can deny that, with very few exceptions, religion condemns homosexuality. When one condemns a practice as wrong, the logical implication is that the practice stands in need of punishment and correction. And the truth is that (having been told by their church that homosexuality is sinful and abominable) some people take the punishment and correction into their own hands, justifying their actions on the basis that they were acting as God’s committed soldiers. Against the background of the atrocious violence that has, in the modern age, been perpetrated in the name of religion all over the world, it is simply naive to assert that religion consistently teaches peace and tranquility.
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It is interesting that none of the outraged commentators refer to (let alone problematise) the separation of church and state in South Africa. It is simply ignored, almost as if it never took place.
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Lest there be any doubt as to the direct responsibility religious based discrimination - something illegal under both the USA and South African Constitutions - a pastor at New York State Senator Ruben Diaz' hate rally in the Bronx yesterday made the connection perfectly clear. Think Progress reports as follows:
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[J]ust minutes before Diaz took to the microphone to stress his respect for gay people, Rev. Ariel Torres Ortega of Radio Visión Cristiana said that the gay people are “worthy of death”:
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Committing sexual acts between man and man. And receiving the retribution of the things that they have done from straying away. And because they did not take God in count. God gave them over to reprimand their mind to do things that are not right, being against all justice, fornication, perversity, aberrations, malignity…those who practice such things are worthy to death, not only do they do it, but those who also practice it. God bless this earth. That is the word of God.
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Here's a clip of the hate filled batshittery:
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My Readers - Thank You

There have truly been times in the past when the support - and I'd call it almost something akin to love - from readers has kept me going and carried me through some truly dark days. My readers have been my cyberspace lifeline. Sometimes the support comes in the form of an e-mail from Melbourne, Australia; other times it's an e-mail from the Loire Valley of France; or a kind e-mail from the state of Delaware. And other times it's in the form of a note or gift that makes writing this blog something special. Today at the office I received a sweet card and a gift from a reader named Stephen and his partner, Keelung, that brightened up my somewhat brooding mood that haunted me much of the day. Among other things, the author of the note said "keep the photos and the blog coming . . . your loyal subscribers." I will do my best to live up to expectations in the coming year.
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As I have noted before, writing a blog such as this one brings many things ranging from the bad - e.g., occasional death treats and rantings from Christianist extremists - to the sweet and caring such as today's note and gift. I hope my effort and venting here also helps others who are traveling a journey of coming out in mid life (it's frightening, but a number of folks ask for my advice and I hope my thoughts are of help) or other tribulations who may learn from my errors and missteps and hopefully find the happiness and self-acceptance we all seek.

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Thank you to each and every one of you - last month there were over 14,000 page visits. It means so very much to me. Most especially on days like today when I've needed a boost in spirits.

Holiday Thoughts - Christmas NineYears After Coming Out

This Christmas is so very different from the first few years after I came out when sadness and depression were my prevailing experience. I mourned times past and floundered about wondering if I'd ever have a happy future and whether I'd ever have someone special in my life. At the time, it felt like it would never happen and suicide was a frequent thought in my mind. Everyone told me to be patient and that things would get better. Patience is something far easier to contemplate in theory than actually put into practice. But, things did get better - not as rapidly as I wanted - and I have in many ways achieved what I had hoped for when I first came out and had the world I had known largely vanish. My words to readers struggling in the early stages of coming out - especially those who married and had children as I did - is to be patient and believe that it will get better. I am proof that it can and does happen.

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The long weekend promises to be hectic, but far better than the sad and lonely holidays not so long ago. Last night and today have been a marathon so far, and the day is not even half over. We've had a Christmas brunch for the boyfriend's family (22 guests) and now soon we will be headed to Virginia Beach for Christmas Eve dinner with one of the boyfriend's clients/friends and her family. After that we'll hit the midnight service at First Lutheran in Norfol before returning to Hampton. Tomorrow we have an open house for friends at our home and then on Sunday a gathering of my family including my mother who is down from Charlottesville. Needless to say, blogging will be hit or miss for much of the weekend.

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As for the boyfriend, he continues to be a gift from God and I am truly blessed to have him in my life - even if on occasion I say to him "Yes, mein Furher" when he gets a little bossy. He loves me and cares for me as no one ever has before and seems to see things in me that I do not see. And his sweetness extends not only to me, but my children and his family and clients. I received my Christmas present (pictured above left) from him a few days early. Now I will now be able to give my Jeep to my son who is in need of a vehicle. Yes, it does get better - just not on our schedule at times.

Suicide and Its Survivors

I have spoken candidly in the past about my suicide attempts. More recently, there has been considerable discussion of the highly reported suicides of a number of gay teens. Some of the deaths were reported to be the results of anti-gay bullying. My own attempts were driven largely by the combined stress of being forced from a law firm for being gay and a divorce case that often seemed aimed at destroying me. In every case of suicide, I suspect (at least based on my own experience) the motivating thought of the parties attempting or completing suicide was simply a desire to make the pain stop. We must continue to deliver the message that things do get better. However, what is missing from the equation is what suicide does to surviving family members. A dear friend of mine is a survivor of suicide and recently she shared this message with me and sent me a link to a old news series done by the Virginian Pilot (even a biased rag newspaper like the Pilot gets something right once in a while) that looked at the pain and recovery process of survivors. I would encourage those contemplating suicide to read the full series to better understand what their death would do to others whom they love. With my friend's permission, here is the message I received along with the story link:
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I wanted to share this video and article with you all...Ryan's suicide split life into two parts...Life before and life after...Life will never and can never be the same. That is not a piteous statement, it is truth. Ryan was my heart. He was a champion for the underdog, a horticulturist, an environmentalist, an activist and a believer in righting wrongs. He bore the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was quiet, strong, steady and wise beyond his years. He had a smile that breaks my heart just to think about it, so beautiful. He was shy and unassuming, a gentle kind soul. He was 36 yrs. old.
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It is very important that steps be taken to help those considering suicide. Likewise it is crucially important that forces like anti-gay bullying or general homophobia be ended so that these triggers can no longer lead to the needless loss of lives. Not surprisingly, at least in my view, one of the forces that has impeded a proactive approach to suicide prevention and an honest discussion of the problem is that constant wellspring of evil: religion. Here are some brief highlights from the series of pieces:
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We kill ourselves more often than we kill each other. If that surprises you, it's no wonder. Suicide hides behind whispers. As if by turning our faces, we could make it go away. It hasn't. Suicide has outpaced homicide for at least 100 years.
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On an average day, roughly 90 Americans kill themselves. Those losses are changing a long history of hush-hush. People are starting to talk about suicide, and they don't care if it's unpleasant.
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Much of the stigma surrounding suicide is rooted in religion. For centuries, the act was largely seen as an unforgivable sin - an instant, one-way ticket to damnation. In the Roman Catholic Church, suicides were refused a Christian funeral. They could not be buried in consecrated ground. While the Bible does not address the topic head-on, old views were based on the idea that a person who committed suicide had abandoned all faith in God. Since death followed immediately, there was no opportunity to repent. Even a murderer stood a better chance on Judgment Day. As long as one lived, there was time for forgiveness.
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One of my former therapists (he's an ordained Presbyterian minister) who helped me immeasurably in overcoming the religious anti-gay brainwashing I received in the Catholic Church had this to say in the article:
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Bill Hedrick is executive director of Tidewater Pastoral Counseling Services, a group of local clergy who also act as counselors. Hedrick said attitudes still vary, even within religions. . . . Hedrick looks at it this way: "I think we have a loving God who's probably more forgiving than he is condemning. I can't believe He would sentence someone to eternal torment when they were already so tormented in life."
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For those who have lost loved ones, the series also looks at support groups that assist those left behind:
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Support groups like SOS are part of an evolution aimed at ending suicide's long, dark history. They offer help, hope and healing instead of secrecy and shame. About 300 SOS-type groups have popped up across the country. Gilchrist, a licensed clinical social worker, started the Hampton Roads chapter nearly 20 years ago, making it the oldest group of its kind in Virginia.
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They lay bare their sorrows and assure each other that the suicides were not their fault. They learn that their loved ones did not have a character flaw but a sickness that robbed them of any notion of the wreckage they would cause. They find comfort in new phrases. Their lost ones "completed" suicide; only criminals "commit" something.

Son of Homophobic Father Says Life Gets Better

Isaac Katz (pictured at left), is the son of the well known homophobe, Jonathan Katz who was removed earlier this year from a group of scientists selected by the Department of Energy to work on tackling the BP oil spill because of his extreme homophobia. Isaac has written a strong column in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch which describes Isaac's own coming out story which he wanted to make public in the wake of the recent spate of gay teen suicides. Personally, I cannot imagine what it must have been like for this young man growing up. The good news is that his messages is that It gets better. It is a message that I hope more of out gay teens - and gays coming out in mid-life after marriage and a losing attempt to be straight - will take to heart. Here are some highlights from an article about Isaac's column as well as the column itself:
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Isaac Katz came out to his parents as a gay man this summer after returning from college. He did so about a month after his father, a Washington University professor, was booted from a panel of scientists assembled to help stop the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Gay activists pushed the Obama administration to remove Jonathan Katz because of an essay he had written and posted online declaring himself a proud homophobe.
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In an essay he submitted to the Post-Dispatch to publish, the physics professor's son, Isaac Katz, comes out publicly — not as a jab to his father or to embarrass other relatives, he said.
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Rather, he said, he hopes the personal account of his struggles will help others, particularly in light of a spate of recent suicides by young gay men who had been bullied because of their sexual orientation. . . . . Katz's father was offered a chance to respond to his son's remarks. He did not reply.
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Here are highlights from the column itself:
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I am now 22, and, as it happens, I am gay. Further, I, personally, was depressed throughout much of my adolescence. Although anti-gay bullying was never a problem for me as a student at Clayton High School, being in the closet hardly helped my mental well-being. I was hospitalized for depression the summer after my sophomore year in college and tried to overdose on pills later that fall.
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My father is a physics professor at Washington University. Years ago, he wrote an article on his personal website in which he justified homophobia as a "moral judgment" about a person's actions. . . . Though one should "not engage in violence against homosexuals," my father argued, one should 'stay away from them." The last line of the essay is as follows: "I am a homophobe, and proud."
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It is harder to stay away from homosexuals, I would imagine, when your son is one. When I told my dad I was gay, his immediate response was, "No, you're not." (My mom, by the way, was and is more supportive.) When my insistence finally overrode his denials, he echoed his online essay that I should deny who I am rather than to engage in an act so abhorrent as to love another man.
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I can't change my dad's thoughts about homosexuality overnight. Underlying his opinions and those of other homophobes is the belief that homosexuality is not ingrained within gay men and women, that someone attracted to people of the same sex should simply choose not to be a "practicing homosexual." That this idea is absurd should be obvious to all straight people, unless they can identify a time in their lives when they chose to be straight and not gay, and would gladly become intimate with a same-sex partner if only they chose to.
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Last spring, almost three years after attempting suicide, I graduated cum laude from the University of Pennsylvania. Once I accepted myself, coming out to my parents was a rather easy thing to do. . . . I am happier than I have been in many years. To struggling gay and lesbian teens in St. Louis and beyond, then, as a young gay man I gladly repeat Dan Savage's words: It does get better.

Gay Parenting - The Pain, the Joy and the Pride

I know that a number of my readers were married like I was and that the coming out and divorce process is horrific in many cases to say the least. One of the most painful aspects emotionally is the distance that can develop with one's children and the all too easily embraced feeling that one has failed them as a parent. I certainly experienced much of this myself.

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The good news is that time is on the side of the gay parent. My therapist and others stated this repeatedly to me during some of my darkest days and it turned out to be true. I have a wonderful relationship now with my youngest daughter - pictured here giving a wedding toast - and I am also back in communication and better terms with my other two children. I view the three of them as the most successful aspect of my entire life. I sincerely hope that others who are currently experiencing very dark times will hang onto the knowledge that it does get better. Perhaps not as quickly as we would like, but again, time is on your side. I urge each of you currently feeling lost and thinking that all is over to take a deep breath, step back, and try to be patient.

Coming out in Mid-Life: Avoiding the Guilt Trap

It seems that one of the common traps associated with coming out later in life is the tendency to take on mountains of guilt which then can nearly immobilize you and in some cases pressure one to even ponder suicide. There will likely be many that are only too happy to help in piling on this guilt as the upheaval in the lives of loved ones is seen to be “all my fault.” The consequences of this guilty is to descend in a downward spiral of self-hate and depression. Unfortunately, I hear these stories of crippling feelings of guilt frequently, from readers who are having a very rough time as they travel through their coming out journey, other bloggers in the past and even individuals I know personally in the local community.
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I am not unsympathetic to those experiencing this phenomenon and I have certainly been there myself as long time readers of this blog know full well. I even went so far as to engage in two pretty serious suicide attempts – each triggered by a combination of immense feelings of guilt, my horrific divorce and the accompanying financial ruin that went with it. In retrospect, these attempts only hurt those I cared about the most. But at the time the sense of hopelessness and guilt over everyone else’s lives being upset that I simply did not see that truth. *

So how does one avoid the guilt trap? First, stop listening to others tell you that it’s your fault. As if any of us voluntarily decided to be LGBT just for the Hell of it. Truth be told, if we did not live in a screwed up and still far too homophobic a society, there’d be no prejudice against LGBT citizens and there’d be no need for trying to conform and living in the closet in the first place. Likewise, do not buy into those who are saying that you have “ruined their lives” by coming out. Change happens to all of us and all involved can move on if they want to do so. I’d also point out that if you think about it, the message that they are sending you is that they care so little about you that they’d rather you be miserable for the rest of your life than have change forced into their lives.

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On a related note, don’t buy into the whining of those who want to play the game that they are the victim. None of those that I have known and heard from went into marriage with any evil intent or desire to harm others. Rather, they bought into society’s lie that being gay is a sin and that one had to marry and have children. Thus, in many ways, the party coming out has been victimized by the fouled up system as much victims former spouses, children and other family members. This reality is one of the reasons I so strongly challenge the lies of the “ex-gay” ministries and proponents of what I call the “choice myth.” These individuals pressure gays to marry and have children even though they know damn well that their ministries are fraudulent and that sexual orientation is not something that can “change.” Naturally, they are nowhere to be seen when such marriages fall apart hurting all involved. Nope, instead they are off conning the next gullible and religiously conflicted individual to embrace their poison.
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Remaining in the closet long term serves the needs of no one. Oh, things may seem easier, but living as someone that you’re not and depriving others of the opportunity for legitimate relationships with a straight spouse isn’t a solution. It merely compounds the problem further. That said, it is still a very rough road coming out in later life (not that it’s ever necessarily easy), but it is something all involved can survive. One needs to hang onto that truth. One also needs to realize that you are entitled to some level of happiness too - just like everyone else.