An Out of Touch Criticism of "Call Me By Your Name"

It seems that increasingly many younger gays are utterly oblivious to the reality that many of us older gays grew up in.  They seem oblivious to the reality that for many of us up until 2003, even having a physical same sex relationship put one at risk of a felony conviction.   They also appear oblivious to how much religion has lost its grip over the lives of Millennials compared to those of my generation growing up.  In a recent post, I praised the movie "Call Me By Your Name."  Indeed, Gay Star News, a British LGBT outlet, rated the film as the top LGBT film of 2017.  Similarly, every gay man of my age that has seen the movie has loved it.  Yet in a commentary in The Advocate, the case is made by a young writer who from what I can discern is considerably younger than my youngest child, argues that this exceptional movie isn't a "gay movie" since the main characters do not display a "gay identity."  Here's a sampling of what in my opinion is utter bullshit from someone who is clueless of what life was like for so many of us:

The film is typical of our fetish for straight-acting romance, here presenting a sort of country house fairy tale in which the two leads just happen to be men. It is a summer-affair flick, but with two cocks instead of one. . . . . in its high-class, pastoral isolation, Call Me by Your Name depicts an enchanted utopia where the social realities of gayness cannot intrude.

For gayness itself — gayness as a way of feeling, a way of engaging the world, an identity, a community threatened by disease and violence — has been carefully pushed into the closet. . . . . It is reckless to praise this move as a progressive step toward a post-gay cinema, a stance that toes the line of homophobia. Are AIDS and bullying and fem affect mere distractions from some imagined purity of straightened-out desire? These so-called distractions are simply too gay. They uncomfortably remind us that we are more than our “sexual orientation” alone; we are a community, a subjectivity, a culture, an identity.  

A cosmopolitan, intellectual milieu fills the sun-bathed, Fascist-era villa of Call Me by Your Name as bits of Greco-Roman art, German literature, and Italian cooking decorate the frame — but the queens are for sure locked in the closet.

The attitude of this piece may ring true with young, often self-absorbed young gays who never experienced what those of us in older generations lived through - and which many closeted gays in red states continue to live through.  Go to any gay hookup app and you will find large numbers of still closeted gays married to women who still cannot accept a gay identity as a result of religious brainwashing, fear of job loss, or a financially ruinous divorce from the opposite sex spouse they deal with.  And this true in 2018, so imagine the realty for so many thirty-five (35) years ago when the movie's story is set. 

As the name of this blog underscores, I did not "come out" until mid-life (in fact, I was 49) and even then it took a considerable period of time to achieve a "gay identity."  Like so many of my current circle of gay friends, I married (some friends married more than one woman), had children and only after years of denial faced the reality of our sexual orientation.   For many of us, the story line in the movie is what we felt but never acted upon.  I hope that Call Me By Your Name will secure a wide heterosexual audience and that just perhaps, it will help to further open minds and hearts. 

Meanwhile, those, like the youthful author enjoy the benefits others achieved for them (and from my experience based on my local community often do little to support the larger LGBT community) while lacking any perspective  on what times were like thirty five years ago or what will be viable outside of theaters in major urban centers in blue states.   It is noteworthy that many of the comments on The Advocate article take the author to task as I do.  

I would urge every LGBT individual to encourage their straight friends to see the movie.  It underscores how there is so much more to love than mere physical connection and it might give cause them to think about the harm that an anti-gay society needlessly does to so many.

Thanksgiving Eve Reflections

The dining area set for dinner with the husband and six friends tomorrow

Fourteen years ago I had my first Thanksgiving after I had come out and moved to an apartment from the family home.  While I had dinner on Thanksgiving with my late parents in their home in Virginia Beach along with some of my siblings, my children were not present and, truth be told, it was perhaps the worse Thanksgiving of my lifetime.  I knew very few people after having been abandoned by most of friends from the straight phase of my life and depression was my near constant companion.  Fast forward to today and I have the life I wanted back then but never expected to have: a loving husband, great relationships with my children and grandchildren, and an involved and active social life.

In contrast to that bleak and depressed Thanksgiving in 2002, tomorrow the husband I will host dinner for six friends and then afterward we will all go down the street to the home of neighbors for a "pie contest " - I baked a pie to take - with even more friends.  On Saturday, the daughters and grandchildren will come to the house.  I never could have envisioned the happiness and stability that I now have even though my therapist always lectured me that it would if only I would be patient and let go of the self-pity.

I don't mean to sound like I am bragging or self-satisfied.  Rather, my message to those coming out later in life as I did who may be experiencing the sadness and heartache I did, hang in there.  Time is on your side and in almost all cases your children, if you have them, will come around and support you and love you.  Let them know that you are there for them and always will be.  With time, they will figure it all out in time.  As far as rebuilding a social circle, that too can happen with time and effort.  Get involved in LGBT organizations, the arts, politics, or all of the foregoing and you will make new friends.  Some may even turn out to be some of the best friends you will ever have, It seems like an eternity at the time, but you too can move on and live a happy and authentic life.  Find some happiness this Thanksgiving.

As always, feel free to call or e-mail me if you feel the need.  I feel blessed to be able to help others on their journey.

Christian Rock Star Trey Pearson Comes Out as Gay.

This blog began as a way for me to deal with my coming out process and, at the time, to compile material for a book as suggested by my therapist.  Along the way, I have shared my thoughts and feelings and given glimpses of my struggle growing up gay, yet denying it and striving to conform to what I thought my religion, society and my family expected.  It was an exhausting and soul killing experience that ground me down until I reached a point of either having to admit reality and come to terms with it or end my life (something I tried twice along the journey).  Today, many news outlets, both gay and religious, are reporting on the coming out of Trey Pearson (pictured at right), a Christian music star.  In reading the coverage, including the letter that Pearson released, I was struck by the common feelings and motivations that had pushed both he and I to strive to deny the truth about ourselves.  I want to share some of the coverage because it answers a question I am still often asked when people learn that I was once married to a woman and have children: when did you know you were gay and why did you get married?  Here are highlights from Religion News Service:

“I don’t mean to cry. It’s just been such a long time coming.”

Trey Pearson, 35, was overcome with emotion halfway into our first interview, and it is easy to understand why. For the past 15 years, he’s been the lead singer of the popular Christian rock band Everyday Sunday. But he decided to put his career on the line this week and acknowledge to his fans that he is gay.

“I finally decided to come out because I couldn’t keep trying to be something that I wasn’t,” he tells me.

(614) Magazine, an entertainment and culture magazine in Columbus, Ohio, will tell Pearson’s story in a 12-page cover story for its June issue. His narrative will ring familiar to many who grew up in a religious community. Pearson was raised in a conservative Christian home where he was taught that sexual orientation was a matter of choice. Though he knew from an early age that he was attracted to other males, he attempted to suppress his feelings and “be straight.”

“I never wanted to be gay,” he tells (614). “I was scared of what God would think and what all of these people I loved would think about me; so it was never an option for me.”

Nearly eight years ago, Pearson married a woman in hopes of achieving the kind of straight dream-life his community would support. Though he and his wife had two children, his hopes never materialized and Pearson realized he “was never going to be who my wife needed me to be.”

“I was not making it an option to be gay so I could be loyal to her and my children,” he told me. “But then I realized the only way I was ever going to be my best for them was to be healthy myself.”

Pearson’s shift places him in the center of a growing movement of popular Christian musicians who are coming out as gay and are advocating for a more open and accepting posture in the church. Ray Boltz, whose songs were staples in evangelical churches throughout the 1990s, came out as gay in 2004. Grammy-nominated Anthony Williams  became the first openly gay gospel artist in 2009. Jennifer Knapp, another Grammy-nominated Christian artist, acknowledged that she was a lesbian one year later. And in 2014, popular worship music artist Vicky Beeching told The Independent that she too was a lesbian.

These musicians paid a hefty price. Since Christian music fans tend to be conservative and believe that homosexual acts are sinful, you won’t hear these artists’ music played in most churches or on Christian radio these days.

I absolutely want to be a voice for other people,” Pearson says. “I know there are more and more Christians that realize how important this is, and I hope I can join with them in seeing this change.”

As for Pearson's letter to his fans and friends, here are excerpts:

 To my fans and friends:

Most of us reach at least one pivotal moment in our lives that better defines who we are.
These last several months have been the hardest – but have also ended up being the most freeing months — of my life.

To make an extremely long story short, I have come to be able to admit to myself, and to my family, that I am gay.

I grew up in a very conservative Christian home where I was taught that my sexual orientation was a matter of choice, and had put all my faith into that. I had never before admitted to myself that I was gay, let alone to anyone else. I never wanted to be gay.

I’ve tried my whole life to be straight. I married a girl, and I even have two beautiful little kids. My daughter, Liv, is six and my son, Beckham, is two.

I had always romanticized the idea of falling in love with a woman; and having a family had always been my dream. In many ways, that dream has come true. But I have also come to realize a lot of time has passed in my life pushing away, blocking out and not dealing with real feelings going on inside of me. I have tried not to be gay for more than 20 years of my life.

I tried to convince myself that this was what God wanted and that this would work. I thought all of those other feelings would stay away if I could just do this right.

When Lauren and I got married, I committed to loving her to the best of my ability, and I had the full intention of spending the rest of my life with her. Despite our best efforts, however, I have come to accept that there is nothing that is going to change who I am.

I know I have a long way to go. But if this honesty with myself about who I am, and who I was made by God to be, doesn’t constitute as the peace that passes all understanding, then I don’t know what does. It is like this weight I have been carrying my whole life has been lifted from me, and I have never felt such freedom.

In sharing this publicly I’m taking another step into health and wholeness by accepting myself, and every part of me. It’s not only an idea for me that I’m gay; It’s my life. This is me being authentic and real with myself and other people. This is a part of who I am.

I hope people will hear my heart, and that I will still be loved. I’m still the same guy, with the same heart, who wants to love God and love people with everything I have. This is a part of me I have come to be able to accept, and now it is a part of me that you know as well. I trust God to help love do the rest.

Without realizing it perhaps, Pearson has described the private struggle and agony that I and many others have experienced.  For readers who are still in the closet, I hope you with think about what Pearson has said.  It applies to all of us who due to religious based ignorance and bigotry tried so hard to live a lie.  I wish Pearson much happiness and much deserved self-acceptance. 

Top Regret of the Dying - Failing to Live a Life True to One's Self

One of the catalysts to my decision to come out after more than two decades of marriage to a woman was the loss of my sister in April, 2001, after a truly heroic battle against cancer.  She was a remarkable person and all too often, in my view, put her own life an hold in order to meet the expectations of others.  Sadly, it was only in her last years that she seemed to be finally coming into her own only to have her life cut short.  Her death was frightening to me for a number of reasons, not the least of which was the nightmare quality for my family.  In addition, for me, there was the recognition that I was living my life much as she had done: living to meet the expectations of others and societal stereotypes.   I was suddenly faced with the reality that, if I did not do something, I would never really live my life authentically and not as an actor on a stage.  In the aftermath of my coming out to key family members thereafter and with the encouragement of my therapist, I launched this blog as I struggled to survive my coming out journey, my subsequent firing from a large Virginia Beach based law firm for being gay, and the resulting financial and emotional nightmare.  Was it worth it?  Most definitely, although admittedly, at times I questioned if this was true.  Recently, a piece in UpLift looks at the regrets of those faced with impending death.  Here are excerpts:

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Reading this article made me think of many friends who have continued to live in the closet, putting their lives on hold until parents or other family members have passed away.  The problem is than none of us know how much time we may be allotted.  My sister, while straight,is but example of one who put her life on hold in some ways only to find out too late that her time was very limited. Parents will pass on and we find ourselves left alone. Why throw away your future to satisfy others who do not want to have to rethink their views or let go of their prejudices? To all readers in the closet and struggling to decide what to do, ask yourself  if you want to have regrets like those noted above.  

For myself, I know first hand that being who you really are and throwing aside self-hate and self-loathing (most religious and societal based) is truly liberating and makes every single day of one's life so much more fulfilling. .   

A Lifeline For Older Men Coming Out

When I began my coming out journey, I spent literally years in therapy.  First, I had to shed the religious brainwashing, shame and guilt inculcated into me by my Catholic upbringing.  After that bridge had been crossed, my nest stage was to figure out how to live a fulfilling life as a gay man.  My therapist were a life line for me and they pushed and forced me to find inner strength and to let go of so much old baggage.  Despite this help, there was a lack of books and other resources aimed at those coming out in mid-life.  In fact, my last therapist said repeatedly that I should write a book for those coming out later in life.  He said a friend of his was writing a blog as a method to accumulate material for his upcoming book.  He suggested that I should do the same.  Thus, Michael-in-Norfolk- Coming Out in Mid-Life was born.  Eight years later, I still have not written the book, but I have tied to share my trials and tribulations along the way as I have made my journey.  I remain more than happy to communicate with those seeking advice or shared experiences via e-mail and/or telephone calls. A piece in Huffington Post looks at a new book that tries to help fill the void I found in terms of resources.  Here are review highlights:

When my therapist, Adam asked me who I could talk to about coming out, I pointed at him. "Of course," he said "But, what I meant, was a friend or a family member." I looked up as if the answer might have been written on the ceiling. Not finding it there, I looked down at my shoes, shifted uncomfortably in my chair and then said "No one." At forty-three years of age, nobody really knew who I was. I was alone.

I was a father, a husband, a son, a brother and an IT Director. I had friends, but none of them close. When you're in the closet, you worry that every word, glance or gesture might give your secret away. How could I have developed an authentic relationship?

The closet seems like a vestige from a darker time. Many young LGBT people never experienced the repression, but there is an older generation of men who closed the door decades ago and now find themselves transported through time, tentatively stepping out into a terrifying, exciting and puzzling world. They often feel alone.

If you are coming out late, you are not alone.  Fashionably Late: Gay, Bi, and Trans Men Who Came Out Later in Life is a collection of stories that sheds light on a large and largely overlooked segment of the LGBT+ community. The anthology offers affirmation to older men coming out of the closet. I am honored to have an essay included.

I had the opportunity to speak with Vinnie Kinsella, the publisher and editor from Eldredge Books, who created this anthology. 

Q: What prompted you to create this book?  KINSELLA: The biggest prompt for me was the surprising growth of the meetup group I started for men who came out later in life: . . . I expected maybe twelve men in my city would ever join. When we exceeded a hundred members in just a few months, I was floored. I had no idea there were that many men in my city who identified as coming out later in life.

Q: How do you think this book will help LGBT men?  KINSELLA: My hope is that the book will be a strong tool for combating shame. What I hear from a lot of men coming out is a lot of shame for what they didn't do. Shame for not being honest with friends and family about their sexuality of gender identity. Shame for letting fear keep them from living an authentic life. I think this book combats shame by sending the message of, "Don't beat yourself up for coming out a bit later than the norm. Celebrate the fact that you came out at all!"

Q: Is there a void in the market for this type of book or these stories?   KINSELLA: Yes. When I looked for books that could help me early on in my coming out, I found that most of the resources for coming out are youth-focused. I think the belief is that coming out as an adult is rare, but that's simply not true. The culture is so different today from what it was thirty or forty years ago. For Baby Boomers and older Gen Xers, the support system for youth coming out wasn't like it is today, so many men from that era stayed in the closet. . . . That's the void this book fills. It's not a how-to guide. It's more like an "It's Gets Better" campaign for men.

Q: Do you expect this book to help the families of LGBT men? KINSELLA: Indirectly, yes. It will offer insight into what goes on in the mind of a man coming out, which can helpful for spouses, kids, grandkids, and others who have lots of questions about what might have prompted their relative to come out.

As Kinsella notes, there are LOTS of us who have come out or who are in the process of coming out later in life.   We all need to help and support one another.

Back in Virginia - Reflections on the Past

The husband and I got back to our home in Virginia a short while ago and on the 11 hour drive home - it took 12 hours going north - I reflected on the long weekend and going back to a place that had held a special place in my heart for so many, many years.  I am no longer the closeted gay teen who desperately needed to try to reinvent himself in order to cope with school bullying and a never ending sense of being different.  And what I discovered over this weekend, one cannot recreate the past.  It's gone forever and many of those who played important roles have either died or moved on in their lives.  Yes, Brantingham Lake is still amazingly beautiful.  But the true magic that it once held for me is gone.  So many that I loved - my parents, one of my sisters, my grandparents and numerous aunts and uncles - are gone forever.  Hence the bitter sweetness of the visit.

Will I ever go back?  Probably not.  My husband got to see places that were a part of my past and very important in my former life and learn also some family history.  But my real take away from the long weekend - and I will admit, attempt to recapture the past - is that the real focus needs to be on the present and more importantly, the future.  As much as I will always love the family camp, in many ways it has become more of a museum to the past than a home. 

The camp from the water

I am blessed with a wonderful husband, three amazing children and now grandchildren.  Of equal importance is the fact that I have at long last achieved self-acceptance and do not need others - or things or money - to validate me.  All of us need be mindful of the past and respect our remarkable ancestors.  But the focus needs to be on the future.  The trip to Brantingham surprisingly was an unexpected reminder to me that home is where my husband is and with my children and grandchildren.

During my arduous coming out journey in mid-life, one of my fears was about the future which at the time seemed to be a black emptiness.  I clung to the past which was comfortable and familiar even though it was over and never to return.  What was once a black emptiness is now full with the husband, countless friends and a never ending whirl of social activities.  Getting to this point took a great deal of work, including throwing myself into organizations in order to meet new people and rebuild my world.  My advice to those coming out?  Focus on the future and let go of the past.  Don't forget the good of the past and honor it, but acknowledge that it is over.  Your life now belongs to the present and the future.  It took me far too long to figure this out.

Robin Williams Comes Out In Final Film Release, "Boulevard"

As the name of this blog indicates, I have special experience when it comes to coming out of the closet in mid-life.  Added to my own journey has been what I have learned from others making the journey, including one relative and acquaintances of the husband and our circle of friends.  It is safe to say that there is no recipe or blue print of how one goes about the process of letting go of the in some ways artificial life that was created to meet the expectations of family and society as a whole. A new movie - which I have yet to see - looks at the process and stars the late Robin Williams.  The name of the film is "Boulevard."  Some may pan the film, but it addresses an issue that I suspect impacts far more men and women than most are likely able to imagine.  As I have noted in the past, simple go to Craigslist or sites like adam4Adam or Grindr and witness just how many closeted married men there are. The question is one of how many will decide to come to full self-acceptance as opposed to continuing to live a role dictated to them by others.   Deadline Holywood looks at the film which I do plan to see.  Here are excerpts:

Robin Williams’ final theatrical release, Boulevard, opens this weekend via Starz Digital. The feature, starring Williams as a 60-year-old married man who comes out of the closet, debuted at the 2014 Tribeca Film Festival, but was temporarily shelved following the actor’s death. Starz will open the film in a slow traditional rollout this summer.

Boulevard centers on a married but closeted 60-year-old bank officer Nolan (Williams), whose spontaneous turn down an unknown street upends his monotonous life and marriage. After forming an unusual friendship with a young, charismatic hustler named Leo, Nolan finds himself on a journey of self-discovery that forces him to confront lifelong secrets he has kept from his wife, Joy (Kathy Baker), and himself. Nolan’s climactic decision to confront who he really is promises to bring happiness and reconciliation to both him and his wife, proving that it is never too late to change life for the better.

“I received a copy of the script…and something about it really touched me,” said director Dito Montiel. “Probably the last thing your agent wants to hear is that you want to do [a movie] about a 60-year-old man coming out. [But] there was an aspect of the coming out I was drawn to and that was of the marriage itself. The [couple] do love each other. It’s not a ‘stand-up and cheer’ to leave ‘the evil woman.’ They did love each other.”

The film has also screened as part of recent Robin Williams retrospectives at the Museum of the Moving Image in New York (MOMI) and the American Cinematheque in L.A. “We planned the release around a lot of things but didn’t plan around the Marriage Equality Act,” said Starz’s Winokur. “Robin’s character is 60 and didn’t have the right to live his life as he would have. It’s a fortuitous coincidence to be able to look at this movie with a fresh pair of eyes.” Starz also released the film’s trailer on YouTube, receiving about 4 million views.

Recently, I was at the birthday party for one of my grandchildren and my ex-wife was there with her husband.  It was awkward at first - I usually "self-medicate" with a glass or two of wine - but we did hug each other.  The truth is that we did love each other once upon a time.  Sadly, we were doomed to failure because I my inability to accept myself for so many years and my foolish belief in wrongheaded, false religious dogma and "pray away the gay" lies and nonsense.  We all deserve happiness and we all deserve to be happy.  I do hope that my former wife finds happiness too.  With our children and now grand children, we will always be connected. 

Summer, Pride, and Growing Up Gay

Brantingham Lake from the air

Summer remains my favorite time of the year and, in part,  I attribute it to the summer of my closeted youth.  The following is a reprint of my June, 2015, column in VEER Magazine:

Summer is my favorite part of the year for reasons that will be described in part below.  It is also the time of year that the majority of LGBT "pride events" take place when LBGT individuals take pride in who they are and celebrate the advances that have been won over the years.  In fact, in America, June is "Pride Month" and President Obama has issued a proclamation in recognition of this reality.  The proclamation reads in part as follows:

"we are not truly equal until every person is afforded the same rights and opportunities -- that when one of us experiences discrimination, it affects all of us -- and that our journey is not complete until our lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law.

During Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month, we celebrate the proud legacy LGBT individuals have woven into the fabric of our Nation, we honor those who have fought to perfect our Union, and we continue our work to build a society where every child grows up knowing that their country supports them, is proud of them, and has a place for them exactly as they are.

"NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim June 2015 as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month." 

Encouraging and welcome words.  Here locally, Hampton Roads Pride will sponsor PrideFest 2015 at Town Point Part on Saturday June, 27, 2015, commencing at 12:00 o'clock noon.  However, the local Pride celebration is growing with each passing year and more events are taking place in the lead up - Pride Week, if you will - to the main event on June 27th.  This year The Hampton History Museum will be presenting an event entitled "Our Story, Our Time  Growing Up . . . Gay in Hampton Roads."  The event is free to the public and starts at 5:30 on June 24, 2015, at the Crown Plaza Marina, 700 Settlers Landing Road in downtown Hampton.  Part of what the event focuses upon is the reality that LGBT individuals have always been part of our local history even if in times past they felt the need to remain invisible. The Hampton History Museum event will include a panel the members of which will describe what it was like to grow up "different" in Hampton Roads.  Panelists include Dick Fore, the owner of Foremost Florists, Barry Menser, owner of Barry's for Hair, Corey Mason, an actor, theater director and college student, Anthony Cudrup of the Hampton Finance Department, Bobbi Mitchell, and Art Institute student and Gavin Grimm, a transgender high school student.  For Peninsula readers, the event might prove eye opening.

I myself did not grow up in Hampton Roads.  Rather I grew up through high school in Central New York State near the city of Syracuse.  But like each of the panelist and with countless gays across America, the day came when I realized - in my case, much to my extreme horror, given my Catholic upbringing and the relative conservatism of Central New York at the time - that I was "different."   What I realized was that that my principal attractions were to other boys.  Not all other boys, but toward boys of a certain look and temperament.  One of the big myths of opponents of gay equality is that gays are either predators or seek to "recruit" others with very little discernment.  We are no different that straight people who each have their "type," preferred hair color, etc.  And I assure you, no one ever recruited me.

 At the time this unwanted realization hit me, I did not know what the term "gay" was but I did know that what I was feeling and experiencing had to remain a total secret.  And for the next thirty seven years, I did everything that I could to deny and suppress this reality and to "pray away the gay" through daily mass attendance, and a rigid effort to never, ever let anyone know "my secret."  Life for me became that of playing the role of an actor on a stage.  All these years later, it is hard to comprehend how I could convince myself that I was "straight" even as I knew in my heart what the real truth was.  I guess the only answer is that one will engage in all kinds of mental gymnastics rather than accept an unwanted reality.  Spurring me on in the effort were, of course, several factors: being gay was deem a clinical form of mental illness until my last year in college at the University of Virginia, (ii) my church's pronouncements that I was going straight to Hell, and (iii) family and societal expectations.

For many of us, our teen years are years of finding ourselves and lack of confidence.  Carrying the burden of "my secret," my teen years were likely worse than most.  Making matters worse for me was the fact that I did not excel at any of the popular sports at our small high school (750 students in grades 7 through 12), such as football, basket ball and baseball.  Gym class was always a nightmare for me.  Adding to my problem of fitting in, I was one of the "smart kids" and went on to eventually win a New York State Regents Scholarship.  Trying desperately to pass as straight and not be deemed a dork, I did a season of football, a season on the tennis team and then finally I joined the cross country team for two seasons where I actual received a varsity letter.  The closeted gay boy a varsity athlete!   Imagine that!  Despite this triumph of sorts, however, like many LGBT youth, I thought of suicide often since my efforts to "pray away the gay" were getting me nowhere.  Like so many others, these thoughts of suicide plagued me for years and latter while coming out, I acted on them twice in a serious manner, obviously without success.

If the school year was a nightmare, summers were what likely saved me and helped me survive my teen years.  Through my mother's  family, we had a summer home on Brantingham Lake in the western Adirondack Mountains in northern New York State.  As my siblings and I got older, we spent large parts of the summer at the "camp" as such summer homes are called in local parlance.  And this allowed me an opportunity to reinvent myself, if you will.  While I truly sucked at school team sports, I excelled at slalom water skiing, sailing, canoeing and swimming.  I could compete and hold my own.  In addition, at camp, we had a whole different circle of friends, most of whom were from other parts of New York or surrounding states and were far more sophisticated than my school year friends.   Yes, I still struggled to "pray away the gay" and convince myself that I wasn't really attracted to some of my male friends.  And , yes, the mental gymnastics to deny the truth about my sexual orientation continued at Olympic proportions.  But these summers allowed me to finally feel somewhat good about myself.   As one friend from those years with whom I have reconnected through the magic of Facebook wrote in a post "the memories of the lake, the times in the boats at night, skiing in the mornings at 6am so as to be the only boat on the lake..... these are the memories that never leave me and are the ones I use to help me get to sleep at night."  They were the summer time experiences that helped me survive growing up gay.

The good news is that things have changed remarkably since my teen years - in ways that I could never have dreamed of.  I hope readers will make an effort to attend both the Hampton History Museum event and PrideFest on June 27th.  I am also so very thankful that things are so much better for the younger generations that hopefully will never have to know the loneliness, isolation and self-hate that many of my generations faced.  There is still much work to be done, but growing up gay no longer needs to be such a rigorous ordeal.  And that is a very good thing. 

Gay West Virginia High School Athletes Attend Senior Prom as Couple

While there is much yet to be accomplished in the realm of gay rights and gay acceptance, things have traveled light years from when I was in high school. For one thing, when I was in high school, being gay was literally still classified as a mental illness. That did not change until three years after I graduated and was in my third year of college. Similarly, no gay would have dreamed of going to the prom with a same sex date.  Instead, I and so many others played the game of trying to be what family and society expected.  Yes, there were those I would have loved to have gone to the prom with (all boys and none of whom ever knew my feelings), but instead I  asked girls to the prom both years that I went to the prom and conformed to expectations.  I tried desperately to conformed to expectations for another 32 years.  Thus, I find it so amazing to read the happy story of two high school gays (pictured above) who got to do what I never did - go to the prom as a couple in love.  Here are highlights from Out Sports:

It's prom season at high schools across the country, a special time that until recently has been reserved for straight student couples. A sign of growing acceptance and change took place in West Virginia on Saturday night.

The Mussleman High School senior prom was held at The Heritage Hall in Inwood, West Virginia. Among the couples attending were Michael Martin, a Mussleman senior, and his boyfriend Logan Westrope, who attends Hedgesville High School.

Michael was a four-year starter on his school's soccer team, making all-state as a goalie. He is also an all conference swimmer and tennis player. He told his coming out story on Outsports in December, in what was our most-viewed story of 2014. Michael will attend Wilson College in Pennsylvania this fall, major in Environmental Sustainability and play soccer. Logan plays tennis for Hedgesville High School. He will attend Penn State University and major in meteorology. The two have been dating for four months.

"We knew this would be a night to remember," Logan told Outsports. "We walked in, checked in with our tickets, and were off to have fun!  At first we were both a little hesitant to hold hands, not knowing how the rest of the student body would react. But after a short while, we were always next to each other and danced together the whole night.

"Some of the slow songs we danced to were 'Stay With Me' (Sam Smith), 'See You Again' (Wiz Khalifa), and 'All of Me' (John Legend). At the moment when the slow songs played, we would just stare into each other's eyes and would think of how lucky we are to have each other.

"We didn't hear any negative comments about Michael and I. A lot of people would come up to us (especially the girls) and say, 'You both are so cute!' or 'You guys look great!'  Once we left the prom, I remember Michael saying to me in the car, 'Logan, this is our last prom and I'm so glad I got to spend it with you.' I couldn't have asked for a more perfect night."

Congratulations to Michael and Logan.  I am very happy for them.  Meanwhile, a part of me is sad that I missed so much in my life.  I hope and pray that what Michael and Logan experienced will soon be the new normal in this country.

Coming Out and Becoming a Better Parent

My coming out in mid-life was not easy for me or for my children and truth be told, not divorce is any easy thing for the children involved.  Added to all of the other stresses is the gossip and homophobia that is still far to prevalent in society, especially the conservative community in which I lived in the closeted phase of my life.  I certainly was not a happy person while in the closet and that unhappiness and self-hatred had to spill over into my parenting.  Despite all of the turmoil, I like to think that I am now a far better parent and, I hope my children have learned that they need to live their lives to make themselves happy, not please parents or societal expectations.  In contrast, the Christofascists want gays to remain in marriages that are not working so as to pretend they have "prayed away the gay" and to please their imaginary friend in the sky.  A piece in Huffington Post by a woman who came out later in life reflects some of my thinking on this issue.  Here are article highlights:

I came out in the early 1980s -- into a thriving lesbian community that was fueled by the feminist movement and had some overlap with the gay male community. I always knew that there were different realities for gay people and that many still were in the closet. I dismissed these realities as not being connected to mine. It wasn't until I met Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed., and read her books . . . .   that I began to reconsider.

Kaye is an internationally known author and counselor to straight women who are married to gay men. She also counsels closeted gay men on how honesty can help them and their female spouses.

An opinion piece in The New York Times reports that "the openly gay population is dramatically higher in more tolerant states...." Based on factual research, the author concludes, "The evidence also suggests that a large number of gay men are married to women."

Of course, there are also many closeted lesbians who are married to straight men, something that was documented on The Huffington Post.

I came to the conclusion that homophobia is hurting us all -- the straight spouses, the closeted gay or lesbian spouse, the children and particularly the children of closeted gay parents who identify as LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or questioning). Ultimately I was left with more questions than answers. Here Bonnie answers them.

Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.: My counseling work specializes in straight women who unknowingly married gay men, and gay men who were hoping they were straight and believed marriage would "cure" those attractions for other men. I started this counseling after the end of my own marriage to a gay man in 1978. Since that time, I have worked with over 100,000 people in this situation, 96 percent women and 4 percent gay men.

Kaye: I believe these marriages are toxic. Marriages are based on honest communication, intimacy on a physical and emotional level, and fidelity. A gay husband isn't able to provide this to a woman in a sustaining way, as his urges to be with men heighten as the years go on. In many cases, the husband becomes either emotionally or physically abusive due to his frustration of being in the wrong place with the wrong gender. The marriage needs to end because both parties are losing out on what they deserve. However, families can be "redefined" after divorce and remain close as each partner has a chance to find his and her true soul mate. 

Kaye: Living a lie takes its toll on the whole family unit. They say that secrets destroy families, and this is certainly true. Most children are so sophisticated today that they learn the secret before their mothers do. Then they become keepers of the secret, which tears them apart. If they tell their mothers, they fear it will destroy her life. If they don't tell her, they feel a sense of betrayal because their father is cheating. 

Kaye: Children who are gay struggle so much more with dishonest gay parents. Children can sense or know when they have a gay father. His rejection of their homosexuality makes their struggle that much more difficult. They start feeling that "If even my gay father won't accept me, how will others?" 

Kaye: Straight spouses need to find support to go through this grieving process in order to move on. Gay partners have to learn that they have the responsibility to help with the collateral family damage that will take place once this revelation is out. The beginning is always filled with turmoil and angry feelings, but the goal should be to redefine the family but work together as much as possible. Sadly, many gay partners are so happy to finally be "free" they pursue what they feel they've missed for so many years and don't provide that support.

I do not have gay children and I did not cheat on my former wife for years as many closeted men seem to do - just check out Craigslist and other sites to see the large number of cheating married men - but life in the closet was emotionally and psychologically exhausting.   Especially when you factor in the toxic religious brainwashing I suffered growing up Catholic.  For children, being honest and genuine is so important, yet it is something you cannot give when you are lying to yourself and those around you.  Again, I believe coming out ultimately made me a better parent.  Certainly a far more honest parent.

Straight Spouses - Victims of the Christofascists' "Ex-Gay" Myth

Image - JaySi/Shutterstock.com

I frequently attack the lies disseminated by Christofascists as they continue their war against gays by promoting the "choice myth" and "ex-gay myth."   Having tried unsuccessfully to "change" myself for 37 years, I know the damage these lies do to ones life.  And that doesn't even factor in the number of LGBT individuals who ultimately take their own lives when they finally concede that they cannot change.  But their are additional victims about whom the "godly folk" don't give a damn: straight spouses who marry well intentioned opposite sex gays who are trying to be what church and family tell them that they are supposed to be.  And then there are the children of these doomed marriages.  They too are apparently acceptable collateral damage to the Christofascists eager to keep funds flowing into their coffers and push their anti-gay political agenda.  A piece in Slate looks at the straight spouses who ultimately are the victims of not their closeted spouses but instead they vile propagandist who continue to claim that gays can "change" even though all of the legitimate experts hold that change is not possible.  Here are article highlights:

After 16 years of marriage to a woman who would eventually come out as lesbian, Tom Teague made a promise to himself on a balmy October night in 2003: He would dance with every straight woman at the bar. Given the particularities of that evening, the odds were in his favor.

Teague, a reserved software development manager with a mop of white hair and a salt-and-pepper beard, was one of anywhere between 80 and 100 attendees at the annual beachside gathering in Florida for members of the Straight Spouse Network. He had arrived fresh from the memorial service for his mother, who had died of pancreatic cancer days earlier. But he sought solace from more than just her death. SSN had been his lifeline since his wife came out as a lesbian that January. More than ever, he needed to be with people who could understand him.

It was a welcome change. For a long time, life had been filled with more misery than magic. But that’s what the closet—a place as real for straight spouses as it is for the sexually struggling gay men and women they marry—will do to you.

Straight spouses are largely absent from the national conversation about gay marriage and the modern family. Certainly, it’s easier to talk about two moms or two dads who have been together from the start than to talk about why Mom left Dad for another woman, or why Dad left Mom for another man. . . . . But we need to include straight spouses in that conversation, because as tolerance for LGBTQ people spreads throughout the culture, more closeted spouses will undoubtedly come out. While for them, the light beyond those doors can be liberating, for the straight partners stumbling out behind them, it can be quite harsh.

Teague and Cloud, meanwhile, are in the process of forming their own member-supported organization, Overcoming Coming Out. Teague says OCO will take a more holistic approach to the familial reverberations of LGBTQ people’s decision to come out than SSN, which is geared toward their straight spouses . . .

Economist and New York Times columnist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz estimates that roughly 5 percent of the 151.8 million men recorded in the 2010 U.S. census are primarily interested in other men—and that millions live some version of a closeted life, including marriages to straight women.

Coming out is never easy, but it’s incalculably more difficult for the gay men and women who have joined a heterosexual marriage for one reason or another. Sometimes, they come to an understanding—or acceptance—of their sexual orientation only later in life. Perhaps they have, to some degree, known all along but wanted more than anything to be heterosexual (or to be perceived that way), and to have the unequivocal legal right to marry and have children. Others simply caved to family or social pressures. Many gay men deeply love their wives, but as Gravallese points out, “Society and everything we were taught told us that love equals sexual attraction.” Of course, that’s not always the case.

In terms of the healing journey, [gay spouses] are way ahead of the game,” says psychotherapist Kimberly Brooks Mazella, who works with as many as 15 straight spouses, mostly women, at a time in her McLean, Virginia-based practice about 20 minutes outside of D.C. Straight spouses comprise about half of her practice.

Mazella has been treating straight spouses since 1987—the year she became one herself. At the time, she confronted many of the same questions that her patients do now. “Was I ever really loveable? Was he faking it the whole time? It just cuts to the core,” she says. “For me, it was just a couple of years. Had I been married for 30 or 40 years, I think those questions would cut even more deeply.”

When Mazella helps her patients move through the stages of grief, she acknowledges that it can be an emotional balancing act at times. ​“Straight spouses are often struggling with competing emotional experiences—their own feelings of grief and loss, anger at the gay spouse’s betrayal, and compassion for their partner’s own painful journey,” she says. Empathy for gay spouses is not unusual among the straight spouse community. Degrees vary based on personal experience, as in any divorce. But ask a straight spouse, any straight spouse, what awaits him or her on the other side of the closet door. The most common answer is a deep sense of isolation.

“I can’t really fault him,” Christine says. She lays out the circumstances, including his upbringing in a conservative church that shunned homosexuality. If faced with the same, she feels she might have retreated into the closet. Not everyone in Christine’s life would agree. Encountering people who have encouraged her to turn bitter against her husband only compounds an already difficult situation, she says. She may be angry, but she does not want to be bitter. She prefers to approach the end of their marriage as they began it—as a team.

As long time readers know, my divorce was very bitter.  While she has remarried and is hopefully happy, I doubt that my former wife will ever believe that (i) I did indeed love her and (ii) that I never meant to hurt her.  It sickens me that the Christofacists continue to peddle lies that will lead others to suffer the pain and hurts that both she and I experienced.  Their sole goal is to make money, slander gays - or avoid admitting that the myths in the Bible are flawed and in far too many cases flat out untrue.  I truly hold nothing but contempt for these very vile individuals who should be treated as social pariahs. Instead the GOP prostitutes itself to them and the media continues to give them wholly undeserved deference even as the continue to damage countless lives.

Ending Internalized Homophobia: The Next LGBT Movement

When I get contacted by readers seeking advice on their coming out process one of the things that often becomes quickly apparent: like myself before I got over it, these individuals have internalized large amounts of homophobia which is causing them to feel shame and even disgust with themselves.  While they have come to the realization that living in the closet simply isn't going to work for them any longer, they are having a horrific time letting go of the poison they have internalized in the form of religious based brainwashing/bigotry and the larger society condemnation of gays - something that while lessening can still be very powerful in many regions of the country.  During my own coming out journey, letting go of the internalized homophobia that had been instilled in me largely by my Catholic upbringing was the first and perhaps the hardest part of the process.  A piece I came across suggests that ridding gays of this internalized sense of shame and self-hate needs to be the next part of the larger LGBT movement.  Here are excerpts:

[W]hile progress for LGBT equality has undoubtedly been made since his childhood, he says, there are still plenty of issues left unaddressed.

One in particular: internalized homophobia.

"It's something that's really well-known to anyone who's gay," he says, "but not many people in the mainstream world think about it. Most people don't even know what it is — and that's dangerous."

So, what is internalized homophobia?

If it sounds like a fancy clinical term, it's because it is.  Definitions vary between therapists, but it generally refers to the internalization of a society's homophobic attitudes within lesbian, gay or bisexual people.

Researchers say it can correlate with a number of psychological and medical outcomes, including depression, shame, substance abuse and dangerous sexual behaviors.

For Thorpe, his environment shaped his internalized homophobia. The shame he felt, almost subconsciously, was a direct result of the "facts" against homosexuality he had been taught while growing up.

"You're impressionable when you're young. When I came to terms with my sexuality, I was trying to accept who I was," he says.

Matthew Weissman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C., works predominately with gay teens and adults. Most of his patients struggle with some form of internalized homophobia. Like Thorpe, the root cause is typically the home environment.

"People hear disparaging comments from friends, parents, political leaders," Weissman says. "The church, of course, creates a huge stigma against it — that one still affects a lot of people."

Geography plays a big role, too. For gay people living in communities where those stigmas still exist, he says, it's best to just move to a more progressive area. But it's not always an option — especially for teens and high schoolers.

"But I still had all these notions I'd been taught while growing up. It's easy to put aside those prejudices and acknowledge that that's all they are — but still, there's this lingering default feeling that sticks around. You can't just put that aside."

"When you're a social minority, it's so important to make contact with communities to avoid feeling isolated," he says. "That can't be stressed enough."

What can we do?

The solution is both easy and extremely challenging at the same time. For a social issue to change, the overall mindset needs a makeover. It's a tall order.

"The best thing is to identify the source of the stigma. I tell my patients to think: 'Who, or what, was it that made me feel this way for the first time?'" Weissman says. "Then go from there. If it's a certain group that you're still associated with, leave; if it's an organization, get out of it."

The Internet has definitely helped, he adds. It's easier to build communities online — an especially helpful tool for anyone who feels geographically constricted.

"If we want to end internalized homophobia, we need to first end homophobia," she says. "It's as simple as that."

The experts are right: if your church or family are the problem and refuse to accept you and modern knowledge, put distance between them and yourself.   I have friends who are plagued with internalized homophobia and they refuse to stop attending toxic, anti-gay churches which continue to reinforce the internalized sense of shame and self-loathing.  They worry about family acceptance too.  Candidly, as a parent myself, any decent parent who truly loves their child will accept a gay child.  If they won't then it's time to move on.  The problem is theirs, not yours. One of the best things I did was to leave the poisonous Catholic Church.  One of the other positives was getting involved in LGBT organizations where I was able to make many friends and learn that we are kind, good and decent people contrary to what the hate merchants preach.  Remaining isolated can literally be deadly.