Another "Ex-Gay" Leader Admits Conversion Therapy is a Fraud

While far right groups held a pitifully attended "straight pride" event in Boston (the counter protesters far out numbered the few dozen participants), the far right and Christofascists groups continue to peddle the lie that "conversion therapy" can change one from gay to straight. Why?  Three reasons, in my view: (i) its very lucrative financially to the charlatans who operate the "ministries," (ii) it provides an excuse to oppose LGBT non-discrimination protections, and (iii) it allows proponents to avoid admitting that homosexuality is a normal, god-given characteristic for a certain portion of the population and that their corruption of the Bible is flat out wrong.  Depending on the quack involved, the particular motivation will vary. One thing that has not changed is the continuing cavalcade of former "ex-gay" leaders who are admitting that the programs they lead - sometimes for many years - were and are frauds.  A long piece in the Charleston Post Courier looks at the latest individual to admit that the entire conversion therapy industry is a fraud.  It also looks at who right wing religion pushed him to try to "change," plus the other casualties of these fraudulent programs: the straight spouses these "ex-gays" marry.  Here are excerpts:

McKrae Game is gay.  He was gay when he received counseling from a therapist who assured him he could overcome his same-sex attractions. He was gay when he married a woman and founded what would become one of the nation’s most expansive conversion therapy ministries. He was gay when thousands of people just like him sought his organization’s counsel, all with the goal of erasing the part of themselves Game and his associates preached would send them to hell.

For two decades, he led Hope for Wholeness, a faith-based conversion therapy program in South Carolina’s Upstate. Conversion therapy is a discredited practice intended to suppress or eradicate a person’s LGBTQ identity through counseling or ministry.

In June, Game publicly announced he was gay and severed his ties with the organization. Now, the man once billed as a leading voice in the conversion therapy movement is trying to come to terms with the harm he inflicted while also learning to embrace a world and community he assailed for most of his adult life.

Game is one of many former conversion therapy leaders who have left the movement and come out as LGBTQ.

In 2014, nine founders and leaders from some of the country’s most prominent programs and ministries wrote an open letter calling for a nationwide ban on the practice.

“As former ex-gay leaders, having witnessed the incredible harm done to those who attempted to change their sexual orientation or gender identity, we join together in calling for a ban on conversion therapy,” they wrote in the letter. “It is our firm belief that it is much more productive to support, counsel, and mentor LGBTQ individuals to embrace who they are in order to live happy, well-adjusted lives.”

“Conversion therapy is not just a lie, but it’s very harmful,” Game told The Post and Courier. “Because it’s false advertising.”

Nearly 700,000 LGBTQ-identifying adults have undergone conversion therapy treatments or counseling, according to a 2018 study by UCLA’s Williams Institute. The various forms of conversion have been tied to emotional and psychological trauma for many, including depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide. It’s been condemned by virtually every major medical group in the United States, including the American Psychological Association and the American Medical Association.

Eighteen states and Washington, D.C., have laws on the books banning the practices on anyone younger than 18. South Carolina is not one of them. Whether or not there’s a ban in place, there’s nothing to prevent a religious organization from offering such counseling.

“I was a religious zealot that hurt people,” Game said in an interview. “People said they attempted suicide over me and the things I said to them. People, I know, are in therapy because of me. Why would I want that to continue?”

Game recently published a written apology to his personal Facebook page in which he called for the dissolution of any conversion therapy practice or ex-gay ministry.  Game said he realizes that for many an apology won’t be enough. And that he’ll likely be apologizing for the rest of his life.

While I never participated in a formal "conversion therapy" program, I tried many of the techniques they advocate.  I never "changed" but I surely experienced increased levels of self-loathing and self-hate, none of which made me a better person or parent to my children.  Yet believing the lie that "change" was possible I married - like Game did - and cheated my former wife from the type of marriage she deserved. She has remarried and I hope she is truly happy. Will she ever forgive me for believing the lie and marrying her?  Probably not. Of course, the proponents of conversion therapy care nothing about the spouses of gays or their children.  All that matters is the money to be made, furthering their political agenda, and/or avoiding the truth about their false faith system.

The Post Courier has another good piece entitled "Taught to Hate Myself" that is  worth a read. Sadly, these fraudulent ministries continue to do severe harm on a daily basis.

Straight Spouses: the Other Victims of Conversion Therapy Fraud

In pushing to keep gay conversion therapy legal - increasingly a lost cause - both so they can rake in money and use the "gays can change" lie for political purposes, there is one group that Christofascists consistently ignore: straight spouses of gays who will never be able to change their sexual orientation despite lies to the contrary.  While I was never subjected to conversion therapy per se, I fully bought into the Catholic Church's lie that one could "pray away the gay," got married with the best of intentions, and had children.  Ultimately, that marriage ended, causing pain and chaos for years. Am I bitter that I believed a lie?  You bet I am.  But I am even more angry that right wing "Christians" continue to push the lie caring nothing about the harm done to gays, but especially the straight spouses and children of doomed marriages. To these foul people, all that matters is making money through fraud, political messaging and, in some cases, not having to face the reality that their faith construct is built on a lie.  A piece in Queerty looks at once family harmed by this pernicious lie.  Here are highlights:

There’s more than enough evidence out there to show things like conversion therapy and trying to “pray the gay away” doesn’t work. Yet there are still those who continue to try because faith, they say, is blind.

In a new blog post published on Love What Matters, a woman by the name of Ali Anne details her nine year marriage to a man named Kyle, and how she spent nearly a decade trying to pray his gay away to no avail.

Ali says she knew Kyle was gay before they wed, but she agreed to marry him anyway.
“One day, Kyle had pulled me aside and told me that he ‘struggled’ with homosexuality. My response: ‘Wow, you’re going to need a really strong wife!’ Ali writes.

Both she and Kyle were raised in religious households where they were taught being gay was wrong and, if a person did experience same-sex attraction, they should “either live a celibate life, or, deny yourself and marry someone of the opposite sex and do your best to live a heterosexual lifestyle.”

“Kyle always knew he wanted a family, so living a heterosexual lifestyle was the only option for him–we were both under the assumption we would be able to pray the gay away.”

So Ali and Kyle got married. A few years later, they started having kids.

“Being parents was the highlight of our life,” Ali recalls. “Everything we did, we did with them in mind. Life was busy and beautiful.”

Except not. Because eight years into their marriage, she says, “Kyle began feeling the weight of not being true to himself as a gay man.”

[I]tbecame obvious to both of them that praying the gay away wasn’t working. So they went to a marriage counselor.

“One of the ideas, was for Kyle to ‘come out’ as gay, publicly, while still remaining in our marriage,” Ali writes. “I was hopeful. I liked the idea.”

Kyle, however, didn’t. One evening he told her, “If I am going to be around gay men, I’m going to want to be with a man. This is not just about sex with a man, this is about loving a man and being loved by a man. Ideally, I want to have a relationship with a man.”

That’s when Ali says she knew her marriage was over.

“It has been two years since we made the decision to end our marriage and our lives have drastically changed,” Ali writes. “Through our decision to end our marriage, coming out as gay (Kyle) and becoming an LGBTQ ally (myself) we lost 95% of our friends and family.”

Although Kyle and I don’t choose each other romantically anymore, we still have a deep love and a deep connection with one another,” she continues. “He is my best friend, and I am his. We are committed to our family, as non-traditional as that may look.”

Replicate this story over and over again and one begins to see the harm that this deliberate lie causes.  Conversion therapy needs to be banned in every state in America - indeed, across the globe. Sadly, this truth is ignored by the Catholic Church, the United Methodist Church and other denominations. 

The Continued Fraud of "Ex-Gay Conversion Therapy"

UPDATED:  As LGBTQ Nation reports, the  Christofascist backed "Freedom March" in Washington, DC, for those who "escaped the gay lifestyle" by praying away the gay, drew a whopping total of 36 participants.   To say that the turn out has humiliating is far too kind for these frauds.

In my view, "conservative" religious traditions cause the world at large great harm, especially in light of the divisiveness of their message that relies on fear of a horrible, vengeful god, and hatred towards those who are different or who reject their toxic dogma.   Few groups have borne the hate and wrath "conservative Christians" and patriarchal religious institutions over the last thousand years more than LGBT individuals.  Why such hatred?  In my view, it boils down to the fact that we challenge their Bronze Age beliefs on sexuality.  Sadly, the Roman Catholic Church remains stuck in a 12th century understanding of sex and sexuality (37 years of my life were damaged by this institutional ignorance).  Other traditions cling to a few cherry picked passages in the Bible that are taken out of historical context and weaponized against those deemed others.  While these "conservatives" can no longer burn gays at the stake - the origin of the derogatory term "faggot"  - they nonetheless continue to do their utmost to make lives of LGBT individuals a living hell.  In this quest, they use the myth that gays can "change" as part of their propaganda campaign against recognition of LGBT civil rights, and marriage in particular.  So-called "conversion therapy" is nothing short of child abuse when inflicted on minors.  No legitimate medical or mental health association supports its use.  Fortunately, eleven states now ban licensed professionals from subjecting minors to the fraudulent practice.  39 states, however, allow it and worse yet, no state bans religious "ministries from inflicting incalculable harm on minors and adults.  A column in the New York Times looks at the myth still being peddled and the damage that it does.  The practice needs to be banned everywhere and there should be no religious exemption from the ban.  Here are column highlights: 

On Saturday, a group of Christians will gather in Washington for the Freedom March, an event that organizers describe as “a celebration of freedom from homosexuality and transgenderism.” . . . . In the national conversation about conversion therapy, people often focus attention on the 10 states (plus Washington) that have banned the practice for minors. But these laws, and this conversation, address conversion therapy only as it’s practiced by mental health professionals with minors. That’s not where most conversion therapy is happening, though. I know, because I spent the better part of my 20s involved in it.

Most conversion therapy occurs not with mental health professionals but in conservative Christian communities. Numbers are hard to come by, because the communities usually don’t come out and say they’re doing conversion therapy; in fact, they’re often skeptical of therapy in general. Groups that help people “leave homosexuality” are usually nonprofit ministries, and the counseling is facilitated by pastors and lay leaders who are not trained professionals. These groups are protected by religious freedom laws, so laws banning conversion therapy for minors do not apply to them.

The numbers of minors exposed to some form of conversion therapy is already staggering: In January, the Williams Institute at the University of California, Los Angeles, School of Law released a report that estimates that 57,000 youths between 13 and 17 will receive conversion therapy from religious advisers before the age of 18 and 20,000 will receive conversion therapy from a licensed mental health professional before the age of 18 in the 40 states that still allow it.

These communities will urge countless more adults to take a similar path. And while adults have the power to leave or remain in those communities, my heart still goes out to them. They face intense pressure to rid themselves of desires that research has shown will never go away.

I was taken to an “ex-gay” organization when I came out at the age of 17, and I spent almost 10 years involved in a member ministry of Exodus International, an umbrella organization that promoted conversion therapy and that shut down in 2013. From that experience, here are a few things to consider as we think about the future of conversion therapy in Christian communities.

First, it’s important to know that the people in conversion therapy don’t actually become straight. If you listen to their testimonies, they say they decided to “find their identity in Christ” rather than in their sexuality. . . . . They try not to engage in sex with people of the same gender, and some even date and marry people of the opposite sex. But very few in the videos say their attractions changed.

I attended several of my gay friends’ weddings to people of the opposite sex, and I sat across from them years later when they grieved over the end of their marriage. They might have changed the way they identified, but they felt a longing for intimacy with someone of the same sex that simply could not be met by their spouses. Some white-knuckled their way through the rest of their lives in these marriages, often with secret hookups that left them deeply ashamed, sometimes suicidal. Others eventually ended their marriages, and they despaired over the pain they caused their spouses and children.

These stories never show up in the short videos on ex-gay ministries’ websites.  Ex-gay organizations create emotional short films with earnest young people who talk about hope and redemption, and then they quietly remove the videos when these very same people come out years later with the truth about themselves that they tried to suppress. In fact, that’s what happened to me.

While many conservative Christians actively work against the flourishing of L.G.B.T.Q. people, they don’t represent all Christians.

I feel compassion for the people who will attend the Freedom March on Saturday. The videos on their Facebook page feature young people who say they left a lifestyle of anonymous sex, drug addiction and despair. But I have a lot of L.G.B.T.Q. friends, and I don’t know any who would describe their lives in that way.

I can’t help wondering whether the young people in the videos found themselves in destructive cycles because of the shame they carried from the teaching they heard growing up. It’s hard for me to believe they would seek to rid themselves of their God-given desire to love someone of the same sex if it weren’t for the leaders in their communities who fail to consider the possibility that they’re wrong about the value and dignity of L.G.B.T.Q. people made in the image of God.

As several Christian leaders have already said: If the gospel someone preaches is not good news for the marginalized — for people of color, those with disabilities, immigrants and L.G.B.T.Q. people — then it’s not good news for anyone. The message the organizers of the Freedom March preach is certainly not good news for people like me.

The author "hit the nail on the head" when she notes that so many featured in the ex-gay programs cite destructive behavior that I believe comes from the poisonous religious dogma that they try to escape through drugs and alcohol.  It has nothing to do with their sexual orientation in and of itself.  Remove the toxic religious dogma and I believe most would have had no reason to try to escape from themselves. It took several years of legitimate therapy by licensed professionals to undo the damage done to me by my Catholic upbringing.  If any type of therapy should be promoted, it is they type that aided me, not a fraudulent practice largely practiced by quacks and charlatans.

Rugby League star Keegan Hirst "Comes Out"

Over the weekend British rugby star Keegan Hirst came out as gay after marrying a woman and fathering two children.   The story he tells in the Daily Mirror is all too familiar to those of us who suppressed who were are and did what was expected of us.  As in my case and that of so many others, eventually the strain becomes too much and one simply can no longer play the role one believes family and society demand.  The collateral damage, of course, is the straight spouse - who never seems to appear on the radar screen of anti-gay extremists who continue to push the :ex-gay" myth in their quest for money and to massage their own psycho-sexual issues.  Here are highlights from the interview article:

Rugby League player Keegan Hirst is the first British professional in the code to openly say he is gay.  Respected prop Keegan, 27, reveals the secret torment of dealing with his sexuality while carving out a career in one of the world’s most macho sports.

Speaking exclusively to the Sunday Mirror, the dad of two tells of the moment he finally found the words to explain to his wife the reason they could no longer be together.  And he talks emotionally of the support he got, not only from her but also from his rugby team-mates.

The 6ft 4in captain of West ­Yorkshire side Batley Bulldogs said: “At first I couldn’t even say ‘I’m gay’ in my head, let alone out loud.  “Now I feel like I’m letting out a long breath that I’ve held in for a long time.” . . . And he reveals: “The only time I felt free of the torment was when I stepped on the rugby pitch. Now I feel free.”

. . . .  he knew he had to be honest with his wife after he realised she blamed herself for their marriage break-up.  He said: “I finally told my wife I was gay a few weeks ago.  “She blamed herself when we ­separated but I knew she’d done nothing wrong. I couldn’t bear it any more, the guilt of it all, of her not knowing why I left. It was eating me up.

Keegan says he first felt he might be gay as a teenager. He said: “I had ­girlfriends on and off, but at about 15, I started feeling attracted to guys too.  “I was having conflicting feelings, but it was something I suppressed. It wasn’t the done thing to admit it.”

He said: “By the time I was 18, I was in complete denial, hoping it would go away. It was inconceivable to tell anybody how I was feeling.  "I didn’t have it right in my own head, so how could I tell anybody?  “Society dictates that when you’re a 16-year-old lad you have a girlfriend, you sleep with her and that’s how it is.

“It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy with her, it was that I wasn’t happy with myself.”  He adds: “I feel bad for what I’ve put her through, but hopefully it’s a case of better late than never.  “She’s got the chance now to get on with her life, to find someone new to be happy with. She deserves that.”

At his lowest, Keegan says, he considered taking his own life. “On the worst days I’d think, ‘I can’t do this, I’d rather be dead than for it all to come out.’

I totally understand his feelings.  I wish him happiness and hope that both he and his former wife find happiness.  

Self-Loathing Gays Married to Women Ask SCOTUS to Uphold Marriage Bans

Former "ex-gay" John Paulk - who has now denounced conversion therapy -and his delusional former wife

There are many things in life that are not a choice: skin color, the nation of one's birth, eye color, and sexual orientation are but a few.  But one thing that is totally a choice is one's religious affiliation and beliefs.  One can choose to embrace knowledge and science - modernity, if you will - and walk away from religious fairy tales and religious inspired bigotry as surveys suggest one third of Catholics have done and as Millennials are doing. Those who hysterically cling to religious dogma that demeans and condemns them are, in my view, suffering from severe psychological issues that candidly make me question the state of the mental health and sanity.  Nowhere is this mental illness more on display than in a brief filed with the U.S. Supreme Court by “same-sex attracted men and their wives.”  Both the husbands and the wives in such marriages need a serious mental health intervention because they are living in a complete fantasy world that they sadly want to force on others (isn't that always the conservative Christian goal?).  A piece in Slate looks at this utter batshitery.  Here are excerpts:

There are a lot of terrible arguments against same-sex marriage, but this may be the worst: The Supreme Court must not protect gay couples’ marriages, because doing so would demean marriages between gay men and their wives.

That, in a nutshell, is the argument put forth in an amicus brief recently filed by a group who call themselves “same-sex attracted men and their wives.” These men don’t claim to have become straight through conversion therapy—though a group of self-proclaimed ex-gays did file their own deeply sad and strange brief. Nor do they claim to be bisexual. Rather, these men admit that they’re “same-sex attracted,” but insist that “a Constitutional right to same-sex marriage can only come at the cost of marginalizing and demeaning the marriages and families” of gay men married to straight women. And that risk, they say, is reason enough for the court to rule against marriage equality.

Confused? Let the same-sex attracted men walk you through their reasoning. The gay couples suing their states for recognition argue that gay marriage bans “disfavor and demean their very identities and existence” by excluding them from marriage. But “that could only be true if the marriages of [gay men and straight women] are fakes and shams”—which, these men assert, is simply not the case.

These testimonies are designed to disprove the notion that gay people can only have fulfilled marriages by wedding someone of the same sex. In United States v. Windsor, the court held that a federal gay marriage ban “degrade[s] and demean[s]” gay people by sending them a message that their relationship is not “worthy of dignity.” The brief confronts that powerful idea head-on by arguing that, in fact, same-sex relationships are less worthy of dignity, since gay people always have the option of marrying straight people.

The “same-sex attracted men and their wives” brief proudly shouts what all these other briefs can only whisper: Same-sex marriages don’t deserve “equal dignity.” You can decide for yourself why these men are so desperately eager to prove to the court that their marriages aren’t “fakes and shams.” But give them credit for saying what their allies cannot—and, ironically, filing what may be the most honest anti-gay-marriage brief yet.

I was in the closet for 37 years and it took a lot of self-deception and lying to myself to make it work as long as it did (even thought I was filled with self hate and self-loathing), but these men and their equally insane wives take self-delusion to stratospheric heights.  Delusion and psychosis seem to be among the "fruits" enjoyed by the godly folk. 

Straight Spouses - the Other Victims of the "Ex-Gay" Myth

I've commented before on the manner in which the Christofascists who strive to keep the "ex-gay" myth alive care nothing about the harm they do to straight spouses who marry gays or lesbians who are either (i) in the closet trying to convince themselves they aren't gay, or (ii) deluding themselves into believing that they have "prayed away the gay."  Both categories of gays/lesbians are motivated, of course by those who condemn homosexuality and keep alive societal disapproval of same sex sexual orientation.  The motivation of the Christofascists - in addition to (a) making money running fraudulent "cure" ministries and/or (b) over compensating for their own same sex attractions - is to avoid admitting that the Bible is wrong about homosexuality so as to maintain their fantasy world religious beliefs.  With TLC having recently broadcast the ridiculous My Husband's Not Gay, one straight spouse has spoken out at Huffington Post and rightly blames the "godly folk" for the damage done to straight spouses and their children.  Here are post highlights:

As the hype around the TLC show My Husband's Not Gay begins to wane, I find it a shame that there has been little attention paid to the perspectives of straight women who have experienced being in a mixed-orientation marriage, where one spouse is gay and the other is straight.

The reality is too complex, hurtful and shrouded in embarrassment.  This embarrassment is also felt by the lesbian or gay spouse and is not to be diminished. The straight spouse, however, experiences these things from a different angle, and it is important to not overshadow his or her journey.

There are two things that are frustrating regarding mixed-orientation marriages. The biggest issue is how religious and archaic thinking exacerbates the problem of lesbian and gay people entering into "traditional" marriages. Secondly, straight women and men who have been blindsided by a spouse coming out experience shame and embarrassment, so much so that they often do not receive the help and support that they need from others, who remain unaware of how common this crisis is and how hurtful it can be.

 Straight spouses are often considered naïve, victims or even stupid. So it is not surprising that people who need support and empathy are too afraid to reach out during one of the most difficult times in their lives.

TLC used to be known as The Learning Channel. If they truly wanted to live up to their legacy, here are the things that they would help viewers learn about mixed-orientation marriages.

1. Finding out your spouse is lesbian or gay is one of the most painful experiences any straight spouse can go through. Many people who have experienced a spouse coming out of the closet hear the following from well-meaning comrades: "Well, at least you aren't being cheated on with another woman. I mean, who can compete with that?" This is not accurate. When a man comes out to a straight wife who never saw it coming, she often cannot grasp the possibility that her husband might be truly gay.  . . . . when a spouse comes out as gay, the entire marriage is called into question. There is an intense need to try to understand everything that the couple has ever been through, to figure out if it was even real or not. An affair with someone of the same sex is better? It isn't quite that simple.  

2. A straight spouse can try to stay married with the knowledge that their spouse is lesbian or gay, but they will always live with an enormous amount of distrust and suspicion. Many couples do try to stay together. While it is difficult to understand, some of the reasons include the number of years they have been married, a desire to stick it out for their children, a desire to work through it with the possibility of having an open marriage, or pressure from perceived religious or societal beliefs. . . . on the show on TLC, everything seems great for one of the couples until the husband, who is "same-sex-attracted," announces that he is going on a camping trip. His wife's face betrays her suspicions, and she has to talk herself into trusting him, even though he has cheated on her before in their own home. . . . This is not trust. This is not intimacy. 

3. Conservative religious views, including archaic ideas coming from society, keep many gay men and women from living honest, fulfilling lives. Instead, they pull other people into their world because they want to change, desperately. They get married. They have kids. They take positions of leadership in their churches and in civil society through politics. They wax eloquent about how fulfilling their lives are -- when all the while they are hiding, lying to themselves and others. Eventually, under extreme pressure, they often explode and ruin everything around them. . . . . Religion and archaic societal ideas are the very things that exacerbate an already difficult situation.

Legislating what marriage means in our secular world, keeping lesbian and gay people from having the same rights as everyone else, and preaching that being gay is a choice and a sin encourages people to be dishonest. It manipulates people into hiding this part of themselves by getting married to straight people, having children with them, and living a charade that will blow up in their faces -- and in the faces of those they don't want to hurt.

4. Until conservative religious people face the truth about what their beliefs do to people who are lesbian or gay and married to a straight spouse, there will be very little change in religious communities. The expression "Love the sinner but hate the sin" is not in the Bible. It is a philosophy that was devised by St. Augustine and has been taken out of context for entirely too long.

Until a religious conservative experiences a child or a spouse coming out of the closet, the degree to which this belief hurts people -- and even contributes to suicide -- cannot be fully understood. People who claim to know how to "fix" something that isn't broken, and haven't walked in those shoes, have no business trying to lecture, counsel or legislate on these issues, unless they truly try to understand the situation. It's impossible to "pray away the gay."

5. A relationship can go one of two ways after a spouse comes out as lesbian or gay: It can remain tenuous and bitter, or it can be beautiful. With a lot of time, work and compromise, a couple (especially one with children) can have a blended family without being married. Amicable divorce is possible. While it takes two people for it work, change is attainable and can turn tragedy into something wonderfully unique. Some people cannot move forward, especially if one of the spouses is unable to do what it takes because of selfishness or bitterness. This kind of thing is very sad, because it could have been avoided completely if our society and our religious leanings weren't so guilt- and pressure-oriented regarding lesbian and gay people. If lesbian and gay people are able to live openly and honestly, a lot of heartache can be avoided.

For people who are in this situation with kids, it can be a blessing. That may seem strange to hear, but ultimately, if it weren't for the marriage, the gift of being a parent would not have been experienced. This can be the silver lining that actually helps people choose the beautiful path of amicable divorce and living as a blended family. 

I suspect that my former wife will never fully forgive me.  From the perspective of the gay spouse, what is perhaps the hardest thing is convincing your straight spouse that you never meant to harm them.  For gays of my generation who grew up into early adulthood at a time when being gay was literally classified as a mental illness, one desperately sought to convince one's self that they were not really gay.  Adding to the pressure was the ever present poison of religion that depicted gays as depraved and headed toward Hell.   If these so-called mixed orientation marriages to be come a thing of the past, religion must be driven out of public policy and religious conservatives who out of laziness or a willing embrace of ignorance need to become the outcasts that they have tried to make gays. 

Study: Gay Mormons in "Mixed Marriages" Likely to Divorce

Yet more cold water has been poured on TLC's ludicrous show, My Husband's Not Gay which aired this past Sunday.  Not only are most of the individuals in the show affiliated with "ex-gay ministries" - i.e., they are "ex-gays for pay" - but new studies indicate that closeted gay Mormons who marry women are 3 times more likely to divorce that are true heterosexual Mormon couples.  For anyone in touch with objective reality, the results should not come as a surprise. Meanwhile, the proponents of the "ex-gay myth" care nothing about the collateral damage done to straight spouses and/or the children of this faux marriages.  The Salt Lake Tribune has details.  Here are highlights:

The LDS couples profiled on TLC’s "My Husband Is Not Gay" may find these statistics sobering: Marriages like theirs — same-sex attracted husbands and straight wives — are two to three times more likely to end in divorce than others.

That finding and others come from a newly released in-depth survey of 1,612 self-selected LGBT/same-sex attracted Mormons and former Mormons, thought by researchers to be the largest study ever conducted with this population.

The study found that:

• Between 51 percent and 69 percent of mixed-orientation Mormon marriages end in divorce, well above the roughly 25 percent of LDS couples who split up.

• More than 70 percent of LGBT/same-sex attracted Mormons leave the LDS Church.

• 80 percent of respondents reported undergoing efforts to change their sexual orientation — 85 percent of which were religious and private efforts, 31 percent were private efforts only, 40 percent therapist-led and 21 percent group efforts.

• 53 percent rejected their religious identity; 37 percent compartmentalized their sexual and religious identities; 6 percent rejected their LGBT identity; 4 percent integrated the two.

Those whose mixed-orientation marriages ended experience "a kind of triple blame by their family and faith communities — first for being gay, then for having ruined the lives of their spouses and children by ... marry[ing] in the service of trying to ‘overcome’ their homosexuality, and then finally for having failed in the marriage and ‘given up,’ " he says. "They want their story to be known and not repeated; they want vindication for their mistreatment." 

The survey also concluded that many more LDS gays try "personal righteousness" efforts — prayer, fasting, church activity, temple worship and strict observance of the LDS health code — as a way to change their orientation than those who seek psychological interventions such as the discredited "reparative therapy."

TLC Show Lies and Promotes Discredited "Ex-Gay" Therapy

Thankfully, the blow back against TLC's propaganda like show "My Husband’s Not Gay," is getting media coverage.  Sadly, most media coverage leaves out one crucial element: the men featured as well as at least one of the wives, are "ex-gays" for pay and work for "ministries" that promote the medical/mental health falsehood that gays can "change."  In short, these individuals are little better than sleazy prostitutes who peddle a lie to make a buck.  Thus, TLC hasn't just happened upon some men who are honestly conflicted because of the religious brainwashing with which they were raised. It's akin to depicting  the Kouachi brothers who launched mayhem in Paris this past week as typical French Muslims.  The Salt Lake Tribune has coverage on the true nature of these dishonest individuals for whom TLC has provided a platform to disseminate false propaganda.  Here are excerpts:

It turns out that TLC has been downright dishonest about "My Husband’s Not Gay," the special that airs Sunday at 11 p.m. And it turns out that at least three of the Mormons on the show are not what they portray themselves to be.

"My Husband’s Not Gay" follows three Salt Lake-area, male-female married couples and one single man, and all the men say they have "same-sex attraction." At the same time, however, they claim they’re not gay.

Organizations like GLAAD have assailed the show, claiming that it promotes the discredited practice of conversion therapy – attempts to change a person’s sexual orientation, often through coercive methods. And TLC has rejected that criticism.

[T]he network said in a statement. "The individuals featured in this one-hour special reveal the decisions they have made, and speak only for themselves."  But that’s not true. As reported by mediamatters.org, three of the Utahns profiled on the show are closely tied to those discredited therapies.

Preston "Pret" Dahlgren is the former chairman of Evergreen International, a Mormon-linked organization that promoted so-called "reparative therapy." After Evergreen shut down last year, Dahlgren joined North Star International – yet another such group – as a board member.

His wife, Megan, has worked with three "reparative therapy" groups — Evergreen, North Star, and People Can Change.

And Jeff Bennion, another of men profiled in "Not Gay," is a spokesman for North Star.

None of this is mentioned even in passing in the special. Which is a clear attempt to deceive the viewers.

Another column in the Salt Lake Tribune is equally brutal on both TLC and the frauds featured in the show.  Here are some highlights:

"My Husband’s Not Gay" just might be the least believable reality show in the history of television. It’s also sad, because if the participants are lying, they’re lying mostly to themselves.

The premise of the show, which airs Sunday at 11 p.m. on TLC, is that you can pray the gay away. It’s about a group of Utah Mormons who have "same-sex attraction" but have, nonetheless, married women.

Gay is not a lifestyle, it’s a life. And encouraging gay men to marry women and have families has led to a lot of heartache. On that level, "Not Gay" is dangerous and destructive.

As a TV show, "Not Gay" is contrived and unbelievable. What are supposed to be spontaneous moments are clearly set-ups.

And the message the show sends is not the one participants intended. It’s clear that Tom turned his same-sex attraction into homophobia, unable to see past stereotypes he perpetuates.

"I don’t feel like I fit the mold of guys that are attracted to other men," Tom says. "Other than my deep and abiding love for Broadway showtunes and the attraction to males."

Yeah, being attracted to males means you’re gay.

And while Tanya insists repeatedly that she trusts Jeff, her actions indicated otherwise. 

The participants are clearly unaware of this, but "My Husband’s Not Gay" puts them on display as if they’re in a carnival side show. They come across as an oddity.

If these couples are genuinely happy, good for them. But it would be interesting if TLC checks back in with them in a few years.  Not that we need any more of these people on TV. Ever.

Ouch!!  One would think these women are nuts marrying gays until one remembers that it's how their families make their living.  Like their husbands, they are little better than tawdry whores.  The last writer is correct and one has to wonder if these women will be singing a different tune in a few years when their husbands, like so many "ex-gays for pay," finally admit that it's all a lie.  Meanwhile, how many other women will fall for this crap and enter into marriages that are less than what they deserve.

TLC Facing Backlash Over " My Husband’s Not Gay"

Despite all of the medical and mental health association findings that efforts to suppress or change sexual orientation through "ex-gay" therapy - usually offered through witch doctor like "ministries" or unethical therapists - TLC has launched a new reality special My Husband’s Not Gay, which showcases Mormon men who are open about their attraction to men even as they date and sometimes marry women.  Apparently, TLC cares nothing about the harm being done to these men or their families in instances where they marry.   I was in the closet for 37 years, tried desperately to "pray away the gay" and finally could do it no longer and had two suicide attempts along the way (thus, I know of what I speak).   A piece in Psychiatric Times quantifies the increased suicide risk to LGBT individuals which is exacerbated by efforts to "be straight":

There is strong evidence of elevated rates of suicide attempts in sexual minorities. Lifetime suicide attempts, on average, are 4-fold higher in gay and bisexual men, and twice as high in lesbian and bisexual women, compared with heterosexuals. Among adolescents, those who are LGB report making a lifetime suicide attempt at 3 times the rate of heterosexual youths. Moreover, LGB youths report 4 times as many medically serious attempts. Recent research suggests adolescent suicide risk is more strongly associated with LGB identity than with same-sex sexual behavior and is higher in behaviorally bisexual youths than in those with exclusively same-sex sexual behavior. 

Meyer’s minority stress model attributes elevated rates of mental disorders and suicidal behavior in sexual minorities to greater exposure to prejudice, discrimination, and victimization as well as to internalization of negative social views. Hatzenbuehler and colleagues found that discriminatory laws and policies increase the prevalence of mental disorders in LGB adults. Hatzenbuehler also observed increased suicide attempts in LGB youths who lack supportive social environments, including protection against bullying and discrimination. Family rejection is also strongly related to depression and suicide attempts in LGB youths.

In short, religious traditions that pressure gays to "change" and TLC by not condemning  such programs add to the potential suicide rate of LGBT individuals.  A piece in The Daily Beast looks further at TLC's show an the Mormon Church which pressures gays to enter into doomed to fail heterosexual marriages.  Here are highlights:

The trailer for the special depicts clean-cut Mormon men ice-skating with their wives and girlfriends as their individual voiceovers slowly reveal a shared secret.  “I’m attracted to my wife for sure,” says one, “And I’m definitely attracted to men, too.” “I want to marry a woman but I don’t know how to work out these feelings,” adds another.

After the release of the trailer for the special last week, TLC received a requisite and perhaps well-deserved tongue-lashing. Mary Elizabeth Williams of Salon labels the show a “crass stunt” on a “bottom-feeding vortex of sadness network.”

Across the board, My Husband’s Not Gay has been cited as a new low for both the network and the stubbornly homophobic Mormon religion.

Although the Mormon Church, as it is commonly known, has long opposed homosexuality—most notably playing an influential role in California’s since-overturned 2008 ban on same-sex marriage—its official stance toward its own gay members has softened over the years. But the plight of the men on My Husband’s Not Gay demonstrates that Mormonism is not changing quickly enough to prevent another generation of sham marriages.

Although homosexuality has technically been verboten since the start of the religion, Quinn presents evidence that it wasn’t until the McCarthy era that Mormon leaders began to crack down on homosexuality. Under the leadership of Spencer W. Kimball, then an apostle in the church’s ranks, Mormon officials began to treat “unrepentant” homosexuality as an excommunicable offense. It was also during Kimball’s tenure that researchers at the church-owned Brigham Young University (BYU) reportedly began conducting electroshock aversion therapy on gay male students. 

Church leaders were adamant that homosexuality was not inborn and that heterosexual marriage was its chief cure.

The men that TLC will showcase in January are caught in a religion that simultaneously tells them that God loves them despite their “challenge” while also refusing to shut the door completely on the tantalizing possibility of full cultural acceptance within the faith.

From the outside, then, we might shame the men of My Husband’s Not Gay for not accepting who they are but within the context of the Mormon faith, we can hardly expect them to. The American Psychological Association may have closed the book on conversion therapy in 2009 but many gay Mormons, led on by equivocating statements from leaders like Oaks, are still hoping that they can change and eventually marry. 

The women who date and marry gay Mormon men are likewise victims of a religion that tacitly encourages heterosexual marriage at almost any cost. If the women on My Husband’s Not Gay fare similarly to the previous generation of Mormon cross-orientation marriages studied by University of North Florida sociologist Richard Phillips, they are likely to feel “unattractive” as a result of their spouses’ disinterest. D. Michael Quinn adds that, in the past, Mormon women married to gay Mormon men experienced “a consistent pattern of despair and self-loathing at their inability to achieve reciprocal intimacy.” 

The Mormon Church may have traded electrodes for euphemism and excommunications for loving leaflets but in so doing, they have also created a culture in which members cannot even admit to themselves that they are who they are. My Husband’s Not Gay is not so much a straightforward indication that Mormonism is homophobic as it is a sign that Mormon homophobia has taken an even subtler and perhaps more pernicious turn.

Let's be clear on one thing - the Mormon Church isn't alone in continuing the lie that gays can change.  Fundamentalist and evangelical Christian denominations continue the lie as does the official line of the Vatican.  And as I have noted before, none of the "godly folk" give a damn about the straight spouses trapped in such marriages or the upheaval that may be experienced by the children of these "mixed marriages."  Rather, it all efforts are focused on avoiding the reality that the Bible is wrong about homosexuality, a reality that then causes the entire faith construct of these selfish, self-centered folks to begin to collapse.