Upcoming Family Cruise

In the past I have blogged about the travels my husband and I have enjoyed both on cruises and trips to various parts of Europe, often from an LGBT travel perspective. Now, we are embarking on a new travel experience: we are taking my two daughters, their husbands and the five grandchildren - ranging in age from 3 and a half to 10 - on a family cruise.  We sail out of Norfolk on Monday to The Bahamas for six nights aboard the Carnival Sunrise.  Our wonderful friend Jenny will be staying at our home and house sitting and dog sitting our Chihuahua. 

Between now and then, I will be working through much of the weekend getting things ready for a large commercial closing while I am away.  As has been the norm, I will blog about our experiences and reflections on this new episode of family travel.  The take away for the vacation and cruise industry is that the pink dollar also includes family travel. 

Straight Spouses: the Other Victims of Conversion Therapy Fraud

In pushing to keep gay conversion therapy legal - increasingly a lost cause - both so they can rake in money and use the "gays can change" lie for political purposes, there is one group that Christofascists consistently ignore: straight spouses of gays who will never be able to change their sexual orientation despite lies to the contrary.  While I was never subjected to conversion therapy per se, I fully bought into the Catholic Church's lie that one could "pray away the gay," got married with the best of intentions, and had children.  Ultimately, that marriage ended, causing pain and chaos for years. Am I bitter that I believed a lie?  You bet I am.  But I am even more angry that right wing "Christians" continue to push the lie caring nothing about the harm done to gays, but especially the straight spouses and children of doomed marriages. To these foul people, all that matters is making money through fraud, political messaging and, in some cases, not having to face the reality that their faith construct is built on a lie.  A piece in Queerty looks at once family harmed by this pernicious lie.  Here are highlights:

There’s more than enough evidence out there to show things like conversion therapy and trying to “pray the gay away” doesn’t work. Yet there are still those who continue to try because faith, they say, is blind.

In a new blog post published on Love What Matters, a woman by the name of Ali Anne details her nine year marriage to a man named Kyle, and how she spent nearly a decade trying to pray his gay away to no avail.

Ali says she knew Kyle was gay before they wed, but she agreed to marry him anyway.
“One day, Kyle had pulled me aside and told me that he ‘struggled’ with homosexuality. My response: ‘Wow, you’re going to need a really strong wife!’ Ali writes.

Both she and Kyle were raised in religious households where they were taught being gay was wrong and, if a person did experience same-sex attraction, they should “either live a celibate life, or, deny yourself and marry someone of the opposite sex and do your best to live a heterosexual lifestyle.”

“Kyle always knew he wanted a family, so living a heterosexual lifestyle was the only option for him–we were both under the assumption we would be able to pray the gay away.”

So Ali and Kyle got married. A few years later, they started having kids.

“Being parents was the highlight of our life,” Ali recalls. “Everything we did, we did with them in mind. Life was busy and beautiful.”

Except not. Because eight years into their marriage, she says, “Kyle began feeling the weight of not being true to himself as a gay man.”

[I]tbecame obvious to both of them that praying the gay away wasn’t working. So they went to a marriage counselor.

“One of the ideas, was for Kyle to ‘come out’ as gay, publicly, while still remaining in our marriage,” Ali writes. “I was hopeful. I liked the idea.”

Kyle, however, didn’t. One evening he told her, “If I am going to be around gay men, I’m going to want to be with a man. This is not just about sex with a man, this is about loving a man and being loved by a man. Ideally, I want to have a relationship with a man.”

That’s when Ali says she knew her marriage was over.

“It has been two years since we made the decision to end our marriage and our lives have drastically changed,” Ali writes. “Through our decision to end our marriage, coming out as gay (Kyle) and becoming an LGBTQ ally (myself) we lost 95% of our friends and family.”

Although Kyle and I don’t choose each other romantically anymore, we still have a deep love and a deep connection with one another,” she continues. “He is my best friend, and I am his. We are committed to our family, as non-traditional as that may look.”

Replicate this story over and over again and one begins to see the harm that this deliberate lie causes.  Conversion therapy needs to be banned in every state in America - indeed, across the globe. Sadly, this truth is ignored by the Catholic Church, the United Methodist Church and other denominations. 

Pope Francis: Same-Sex Families Deserve No Recognition

Since his rise to the throne of St. Peter I have founding it beyond annoying to see Catholic gays who cannot let go of their internalized homophobia and walk away from Catholicism gush and swoon over Pope Francis.  Indeed, these individuals cling to unofficial comments made by Francis to try to convince themselves that Francis might be less extreme than his two predecessors.  In the process, of course, they strive to ignore the reality that Francis has done NOTHING to change official Catholic Church dogma that condemns every LGBT individual.  Now, perhaps statements made by Pope Francis at an event for Catholic families in Italy will wake these individuals and Francis apologists to the reality that the Church is incapable of change - at least absent massive defections of members and plummeting parishioner collection revenues.  What did Francis say?  That same sex headed families  - and by extension, their children - deserve no recognition.  Only heterosexual headed families and their children merit recognition and support.  Metro Weekly looks at Francis' revelation of his true deep seated animus towards LGBT individuals and their families. Here are excerpts:

Pope Francis has condemned same-sex families, saying they do not deserve to be recognized in the Catholic Church.

Francis made the comments at an event for Catholic families in Italy, saying that opposite-sex parent families are the only partnerships that should be recognized by the church.

“It is painful to say this today: People speak of varied families, of various kinds of family [but] the family [as] man and woman in the image of God is the only one,” he said, according to ANSA News Agency, who published the remarks on Saturday.

Francis apparently also said that abortion should be considered the modern-day Holocaust.  “In the last century, the entire world was scandalized by what the Nazis did to ensure the purity of the race,” he said. “Today we do the same, but with white gloves.”

The Pope even praised spouses who stay with partners that are unfaithful, saying that it’s more holy to wait for them to stop cheating rather than seek a divorce. “Many women — but even men sometimes do it — wait in silence, looking the other way, waiting for their husband to become faithful again,” he said, adding that it was “the sanctity that forgives all out of love.”

[L]ast month, the Pope warned Italian Bishops to monitor for any gay applicants trying to join the priesthood and to not allow them into the church.

And in 2015, he said that conservative Christians should be allowed to refuse to issue same-sex marriage licenses if doing so violates their personal religious beliefs. That same year, he said that the institution of marriage was threatened by redefining sexuality.

Remember this: Francis could change this within a matter of minutes if he chose to issue a reversal of the Church's poisonous doctrine while speaking "ex cathedra."  He chooses not to and, thus, if one is gay and unfortunate enough to have been born into a Catholic family, there truly is only one solution: walk away and convince as many family members and friends as possible to walk away with you.

Thanksgiving Reflections - 2017

It has been ten years since my first Thanksgiving post.  I want to say "Thank you" to my readers who have been along with me for all those years. Much has changed in the last decade.  I met my husband, I reconciled with my children, I lost my parents (actually, my dad passed away eleven years ago), and I gained five grandchildren. I also have become fully comfortable with who I am.  It seems with each passing Thanksgiving, however, that even as I remember all the good in my life I think more and more about those who are no longer with me: grandparents, parents, my sister, and many others - I learned this past week that a friend from my magical teen years at Brantingham Lake left us.   The top image in a photo of a pencil drawing of my parents home of 30 years in Virginia Beach where we had so many Thanksgiving.  It was a Christmas gift to them and was done by a local artist based on a photo that we gave her.  When my mother passed away, the framed drawing came back to me.  It now hangs adjacent to photos of my parents on their wedding day. 

On a happier note and looking forward, the husband and I are hosting one of his nieces and her husband (they have hosted us in the past) and four friends )the table is set as shown above.   We will be joined by our niece's daughter and her husband and new baby for dessert along with another couple.  I've already baked three pies - my grandmother's pumpkin pie recipe, pecan and an apple/raspberry pie.  The husband has been busy as well.  It should be a fun afternoon.  On Saturday we will get together with my two daughter and the five grandchildren - it will be another fun time that we are looking forward to.

I wish a Happy Thanksgiving to all my Facebook friends and my readers who celebrate the holiday -  thanks for visiting the blog.  May all enjoy this special day of family and friends.

Tennessee GOP Has Declared War on Same-Sex Families

Here in Virginia, at least for the moment, LGBT citizens are protected from the worse hatred and bigotry that Republicans and their Christofascist puppeteers due to the fact that we currently have a Democrat governor and attorney general.  After the November, 2017, elections, that could frighteningly change if the Democrat base does not mobilize and get to the polls.  In other Southern states, we are already seeing what the consequence for LGBT Virginians might look like and it is not pretty.  Tennessee offers a particularly ugly example of the efforts being done to strip away legal rights and protections won by same sex couples through marriage and underscores the viciousness of the "godly folk" who cannot tolerate the very existence of those who do not subscribe to their myth and legend based beliefs.   Sadly, among those targeted are the children of same sex couples whose security, safety and access to heath care coverage means nothing to the members of the Christian Taliban.  A piece in Salon looks at the coordinated attacks on same sex families in Tennessee.  Here are excerpts:

Heather MacKenzie bought her wedding ring at Wal-Mart. MacKenzie, now 38, proposed to her wife, Charitey, by driving to the top of Tiger Hill in Murfreesboro, a town located near the couple’s Tennessee home. . . . The pair said “I do” in June 2015, just days after the Obergefell v. Hodges ruling legalized marriage between same-sex couples in their state. The MacKenzies were wed in Nashville in front of the courthouse under a magnolia tree.

Over a year later, the couple are expecting a child: Charitey is 12 weeks pregnant with a son. A trio of recently proposed laws, however, could jeopardize the future of their growing clan. This legislation seeks to erase any hint of legal recognition for LGBT couples in Tennessee, all but declaring war on the families of same-sex parents living in the state.

Filed by State Rep. Terri Lynn Weaver, House Bill 1406 would prevent a couple from listing on the birth certificate the second parent (the spouse not giving birth) after a woman becomes pregnant through artificial insemination. The legislation would nullify a provision of the Tennessee Code Annotated 68-3-306, which was issued as part of the Vital Records Act of 1977. The law states, “A child born to a married woman as a result of artificial insemination, with consent of the married woman’s husband, is deemed to be the legitimate child of the husband and wife.”

If Weaver’s bill passes, Heather would not be considered the legal guardian of the child on the way. In order to gain that status, she would have to file for a second-parent adoption, a process that’s both costly and time intensive.

If Charitey were to be in a car wreck, for instance, Heather could make legal decisions for her but not for their expected child. The  newborn would have no rights to Heather’s inheritance or her insurance — an added complication for the couple. If HB 1406 were to be passed, it would go into effect on July 1, three months before Charitey is expected to give birth. Heather receives health care benefits through her workplace, but if the new baby would not be longer eligible for that coverage, who would pay for the hospital costs?

The legislation leaves a terrifying number of unanswered questions, few of which have been answered by HB 1406’s authors. Although Weaver claimed in a Facebook post that the legislation is not intended to target same-sex families, she didn’t address the fact that her bill does exactly that.

HB 1406 isn’t the only bill, however, that would make lives more difficult for same-sex couples in the state. Republican state Rep. Mark Pody has refiled House Bill 892, also known as the Tennessee Natural Marriage Defense Act. Voted down by the General Assembly last year, the legislation seeks to override the Supreme Court’s decision on same-sex unions in favor of the state’s definition — or lack thereof. In 2006, 81 percent of voters cast a ballot saying that marriage should be between one man and one woman.

In addition, there’s also House Bill 33. Sponsored by state Reps. Janice Bowling and John Ragan, the bill would “[require] that the words ‘husband,’ ‘wife,’ ‘mother,’ and ‘father’ be given their natural and ordinary meaning” in any legal or legislative context.  According to The Tennessean, HB 33 could have extreme, sweeping effects on same-sex couples in the state, erasing the rights and benefits afforded to their relationships at every turn.

[E]ven if these three discriminatory pieces of legislation are unconstitutional, it “could take years before they are overturned,” as Sarah Warbelow, Human Rights Campaign’s legal director, explained. In the interim, they could do enormous damage to the lives of LGBT families. For instance, HB 33 would stipulate that if one member of a same-sex couple dies, he or she doesn’t have to be treated as a legal spouse possessing the same property rights granted heterosexual couples. And because he or she wouldn’t be recognized under the traditional definitions of “husband” or “wife,” the surviving partner could be forced out of the home they shared.

“The real victims will be the children of same-sex couples and of all couples who are conceived by means of fertility clinics,” Littrell said, noting that the artificial insemination bill would also affect opposite-sex parents. “It seems awfully counterproductive.”

[T]hese bills hurt everyone, they are part of a targeted legislative push to make LGBT Tennesseans feel unwelcome and unsafe in their own state. This trinity of anti-marriage legislation coincides with the re-introduction of a bathroom bill, filed by Rep. Pody and state Sen. Mae Beavers, intended to prevent trans people from using the public restroom that corresponds with their gender identity. A similar law had been considered last year but tabled following overwhelming backlash — much like the controversy that has followed North Carolina’s House Bill 2.

While LGBT people in the South have been fighting against right-wing bigotry for decades, Melissa Snarr said it feels “brutally personal” this time. “We’re used to that sort of thing in Tennessee, but after the election, it’s become even more brutal,” said Snarr, who teaches at Vanderbilt University’s School of Divinity.

Thanksgiving Eve Reflections

The dining area set for dinner with the husband and six friends tomorrow

Fourteen years ago I had my first Thanksgiving after I had come out and moved to an apartment from the family home.  While I had dinner on Thanksgiving with my late parents in their home in Virginia Beach along with some of my siblings, my children were not present and, truth be told, it was perhaps the worse Thanksgiving of my lifetime.  I knew very few people after having been abandoned by most of friends from the straight phase of my life and depression was my near constant companion.  Fast forward to today and I have the life I wanted back then but never expected to have: a loving husband, great relationships with my children and grandchildren, and an involved and active social life.

In contrast to that bleak and depressed Thanksgiving in 2002, tomorrow the husband I will host dinner for six friends and then afterward we will all go down the street to the home of neighbors for a "pie contest " - I baked a pie to take - with even more friends.  On Saturday, the daughters and grandchildren will come to the house.  I never could have envisioned the happiness and stability that I now have even though my therapist always lectured me that it would if only I would be patient and let go of the self-pity.

I don't mean to sound like I am bragging or self-satisfied.  Rather, my message to those coming out later in life as I did who may be experiencing the sadness and heartache I did, hang in there.  Time is on your side and in almost all cases your children, if you have them, will come around and support you and love you.  Let them know that you are there for them and always will be.  With time, they will figure it all out in time.  As far as rebuilding a social circle, that too can happen with time and effort.  Get involved in LGBT organizations, the arts, politics, or all of the foregoing and you will make new friends.  Some may even turn out to be some of the best friends you will ever have, It seems like an eternity at the time, but you too can move on and live a happy and authentic life.  Find some happiness this Thanksgiving.

As always, feel free to call or e-mail me if you feel the need.  I feel blessed to be able to help others on their journey.

Happy to Welcome a New Grandson

On Wednesday a new grandson was born to me and the husband.  He came far ahead of schedule, but is doing well and making great progress.  Hopefully, he will soon be off of oxygen and in not too long be able to go home.  Words do not express the joy and happiness his birth gives us.  We now have three grandchildren (two are boys), one step granddaughter, and we will have another granddaughter in July.  Our family definitely doesn't fit the image that hater merchants like Tony Perkins and Victoria Cobb like to disseminate. 

They other positive is that these children and more and more of their friends will grow up believing that same sex couples are a normal part of life.  Better yet, should any of them turn out to be LGBT, they will know that they can be themselves and have a wonderful future ahead of them without the shame and torment I and so many suffered growing up. 

Similarly, more and more people are coming to realize that, contrary to the image with which anti-gay hate groups like to depict gays, many of us in the LGBT community have families - children and even grandchildren.  We are very much just like everyone else other than who we love.  Indeed, we are far more that the sorry image "ex-gays for pay" talk about as they parade around and whine about the "gay lifestyle" as one of promiscuous sex and constant drug use (in my view, most of these charlatans suffered from psychological damage stemming from religious brainwashing that screwed up their lives rather than their sexual orientation).  There is no "gay lifestyle." We are all just people.

Social Overload Weekend

Posting has been down today because our social life has been crazy starting yesterday morning and continuing through this evening.  Highlights so far have been "Breakfast with Santa" at the Hampton Yacht Club where the husband and I hosted my daughter and here family (photos are above).  Yes, Santa arrived via boat, not a sleigh, but what would one expect at a yacht club.  It was a fun event and was an opportunity to once again show that gay couples are really no different that other couples and have families too.

The bellinis are wonderful!

The second highlight so far was Drag Brunch at Croc's Bistro in Virginia Beach where a friend of ours performed today (see photo above).  Some consider Virginia Beach one of the more conservative cities in Hampton Roads, but Croc's Bistro has been have two drag shows every Sunday for six years and they are always sold out.  We will definitely go again and perhaps take some of the husband's clients with us - they will love it!

Now, I am about to dress for the Hampton Yacht Club holiday party.  It's always packed and pretty lively.  Our club as one friend says is "a bunch of hard sailors and even harder drinkers."   We naturally fit right in. :) 

Mormons Plan Mass Resignation Over Anti-Gay Policy

Homophobe - Dallas H. Oaks of the Church’s Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Perhaps Catholics can learn something from gay Mormons and their supporters.  In the wake of a cruel new policy that will bar children of gays from Mormon Church membership until they are 18 - and have disavowed their parents - many Mormons are planning a mass resignation from the Mormon Church on Saturday.  Faced with the outcry, the gathering of bitter old men who head up the Mormon Church are rumored to be rethinking their action. If one is leading a cult/clique, the last thing you want is mass resignations and the corresponding loss of funds from resigning members.  Another Washington Post story looks at the furor the mean old men in Salt Lake have brought down on themselves.  Here are excerpts:

Advocates for LGBT Mormons say they’re seeing an unprecedented uproar in the past week about a new church policy banning the baptism of same-sex couples’ children and declaring married gay couples apostates. Some longtime advocates say they know dozens of Mormons quitting over the new policy. A public group resignation is planned for Saturday and reports are surfacing that church leadership may already be preparing to tweak the controversial edict.

“I’ve seen lots of painful things, but nothing so widespread, in terms of the devastation and heartbreak. I personally talked to dozens of people who are walking away. And these aren’t people with LGBT ties. These are ardent, faithful, in-the-box believing Mormons who can’t abide this,” said Wendy Montgomery, an Arizona Mormon who has a 17-year-old gay son and who co-founded Mama Dragons, a group for church mothers with gay children.

When the group was founded four years ago it had six members. It now has more than 500. She worked to create groups like Sit With Me Sunday, a program that helps LGBT people who want to come to church but are afraid to connect with someone to take them. The volunteer running it shut it down last week after news broke of the new policy, Montgomery said. “She said, ‘It’s no longer safe to invite them. It’s better if we tell them to run.'”

Before the change, the church’s policy was that same-sex marriage might require discipline and it was usually left up to local leaders. Now that same-sex marriage is legal throughout the country, the church decided to identify those in a same-sex marriage as apostates, or people who renounce their faith. 

Rumors began this week that the church’s 15-man leadership — three in a body called The First Presidency and 12 in a lower-level unit called the Quorum of the Apostles — might change the document following the uproar.

The Salt Lake Tribute on Wednesday cited excommunicated activist John Dehlin as saying a major church governing group “sent out a memo to regional leaders, saying that ‘there will be additional clarification on these changes from the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve [Apostles] in the coming days,'” the Tribune quoted Dehlin as saying.

Former Mormons and others announced Wednesday that there will be a “mass resignation” from Mormonism Saturday at a Salt Lake City park. Critics of the church have in recent years occasionally held public “resignations,” emphasizing LDS bureaucracy that keeps people on the books until they formally quit and hoping to further their cause. 

A Utah lawyer told local station KIVI that he personally is helping more than 1,000 leave the church. You don’t need a lawyer to step away, but because the church is known for its record-keeping and keeping members on their books, some apparently enlist legal help.

Imagine if gay Catholics did the same type of mass resignations in front of  cathedrals around America and across Europe.  The media would eat it up and the PR for the Church would be devastating.  I for one would happily work to organize such events!  I hope the Mormon mass resignation effort is successful.

Mormon Church Wages New War Against Gays and Their Children

Like the Roman Catholic Church, the Mormon Church is more or less run by a bunch of bitter old men who take supreme joy in flexing their power over those in the pews and in punishing those who fail to adhere to their fairy tale beliefs (If the Bible is based on myth, the Book of Mormon is truly based on fairy tale).  Having lost the battle to stop civil law same sex marriage, the gaggle of old men at the top of the Mormon Church have decided to punish gays by attacking their children and barring them from participation in the Mormon Church until they reach 18 years of age and with the proviso that they dishtowel same sex marriage and, by extension, their parents.  Once again we see the least Christian conduct on display by those who most loudly proclaim their own piety.  Hopefully, what these bastards achieve will turn out to be an acceleration of the exodus Church members.  The New York Times looks at this ugly new tactic.  Here are highlights:

The changes to the Mormon handbook — disseminated last week to church leaders around the world — say that being in a same-sex marriage warrants ousting from the religion and that children of gay parents must wait until they are 18 and disavow homosexual relationships to be baptized.

The revisions set off a wave of anger, confusion and sadness for a growing faction of L.G.B.T.-supportive Mormons who were buoyed in recent years by church leaders’ calls for more love and understanding for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender members.

In a video interview posted Friday night on a church website, a Mormon leader, D. Todd Christofferson, said the changes had been prompted by questions that arose after the United States Supreme Court in June made gay marriage legal throughout the United States.

The church, he said, considers same-sex marriage a particularly egregious sin that requires mandatory church discipline.

“There was the need for a distinction to be made between what may be legal and what may be the law of the church and the law of the Lord,” said Mr. Christofferson, a member of the religion’s governing Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. “It’s a matter of being clear. It’s a matter of understanding right and wrong. It’s a matter of a firm policy that doesn’t allow for question and doubt.”

The new rules stipulate that children of parents in gay or lesbian relationships — be it marriage or just living together — can no longer receive blessings as infants or be baptized at about age 8. They can be baptized and serve missions once they turn 18, but only if they disavow the practice of same-sex relationships, no longer live with gay parents and get approval from their local leader and the highest leaders at church headquarters in Salt Lake City.

The handbook revisions also for the first time list being in a same-sex relationship as an offense that can lead to being ousted from the religion. This is a category known as apostasy, which until now has been reserved primarily for people who practice polygamy, teach inaccurate doctrine or publicly defy guidance from church leaders. 

Ms. Montgomery said news of the new rules left her son sobbing and forced her and her husband to consider leaving a religion they have been desperately trying to stay in, despite a harsh reception to their son’s coming out.

Ms. Montgomery echoed a response shared by many on social media: She can somewhat understand the hard stance on same-sex marriage, but she can’t comprehend singling out gay couples’ children.

“We just put a scarlet letter on these kids,” she said. “This isn’t my church. I don’t see God in it. I don’t see divinity it. It just feels evil.”

It is pure evil and sadly it reflects religion's main contribution to the world: hate, division, and the desperate attempt of the few to control the lives of the many.  A religion free world would be a better place.

A Lifeline For Older Men Coming Out

When I began my coming out journey, I spent literally years in therapy.  First, I had to shed the religious brainwashing, shame and guilt inculcated into me by my Catholic upbringing.  After that bridge had been crossed, my nest stage was to figure out how to live a fulfilling life as a gay man.  My therapist were a life line for me and they pushed and forced me to find inner strength and to let go of so much old baggage.  Despite this help, there was a lack of books and other resources aimed at those coming out in mid-life.  In fact, my last therapist said repeatedly that I should write a book for those coming out later in life.  He said a friend of his was writing a blog as a method to accumulate material for his upcoming book.  He suggested that I should do the same.  Thus, Michael-in-Norfolk- Coming Out in Mid-Life was born.  Eight years later, I still have not written the book, but I have tied to share my trials and tribulations along the way as I have made my journey.  I remain more than happy to communicate with those seeking advice or shared experiences via e-mail and/or telephone calls. A piece in Huffington Post looks at a new book that tries to help fill the void I found in terms of resources.  Here are review highlights:

When my therapist, Adam asked me who I could talk to about coming out, I pointed at him. "Of course," he said "But, what I meant, was a friend or a family member." I looked up as if the answer might have been written on the ceiling. Not finding it there, I looked down at my shoes, shifted uncomfortably in my chair and then said "No one." At forty-three years of age, nobody really knew who I was. I was alone.

I was a father, a husband, a son, a brother and an IT Director. I had friends, but none of them close. When you're in the closet, you worry that every word, glance or gesture might give your secret away. How could I have developed an authentic relationship?

The closet seems like a vestige from a darker time. Many young LGBT people never experienced the repression, but there is an older generation of men who closed the door decades ago and now find themselves transported through time, tentatively stepping out into a terrifying, exciting and puzzling world. They often feel alone.

If you are coming out late, you are not alone.  Fashionably Late: Gay, Bi, and Trans Men Who Came Out Later in Life is a collection of stories that sheds light on a large and largely overlooked segment of the LGBT+ community. The anthology offers affirmation to older men coming out of the closet. I am honored to have an essay included.

I had the opportunity to speak with Vinnie Kinsella, the publisher and editor from Eldredge Books, who created this anthology. 

Q: What prompted you to create this book?  KINSELLA: The biggest prompt for me was the surprising growth of the meetup group I started for men who came out later in life: . . . I expected maybe twelve men in my city would ever join. When we exceeded a hundred members in just a few months, I was floored. I had no idea there were that many men in my city who identified as coming out later in life.

Q: How do you think this book will help LGBT men?  KINSELLA: My hope is that the book will be a strong tool for combating shame. What I hear from a lot of men coming out is a lot of shame for what they didn't do. Shame for not being honest with friends and family about their sexuality of gender identity. Shame for letting fear keep them from living an authentic life. I think this book combats shame by sending the message of, "Don't beat yourself up for coming out a bit later than the norm. Celebrate the fact that you came out at all!"

Q: Is there a void in the market for this type of book or these stories?   KINSELLA: Yes. When I looked for books that could help me early on in my coming out, I found that most of the resources for coming out are youth-focused. I think the belief is that coming out as an adult is rare, but that's simply not true. The culture is so different today from what it was thirty or forty years ago. For Baby Boomers and older Gen Xers, the support system for youth coming out wasn't like it is today, so many men from that era stayed in the closet. . . . That's the void this book fills. It's not a how-to guide. It's more like an "It's Gets Better" campaign for men.

Q: Do you expect this book to help the families of LGBT men? KINSELLA: Indirectly, yes. It will offer insight into what goes on in the mind of a man coming out, which can helpful for spouses, kids, grandkids, and others who have lots of questions about what might have prompted their relative to come out.

As Kinsella notes, there are LOTS of us who have come out or who are in the process of coming out later in life.   We all need to help and support one another.

HR Pride Block Party - Gays Have Come a Long Way

A thorn between two roses

Last night's HR Pride  Block Party which was moved to Scope - Norfolk's concert and sports arena - because of threatening weather.  The event was so over the top compared to anything ever seen before outside of the actual PrideFest event in Town Point Park.  Perhaps because of yesterday's historic marriage ruling, people may have been in an extra celebratory mood.  Whatever the reason, the place was packed with thousands of people, a huge dance floor, great music, a wonderful decor - including a full moon and "moonlit" seating areas for those not wanting to dance - and, of course, adult refreshments.  One thing that was amazing is how the city of Norfolk stepped up and made Scope available on basically a day's notice.  The entire event was something that no one in the LGBT community would have imagined ever being held in Norfolk just five to ten years ago, especially with massive cooperation with the city.     While there, I had the opportunity to speak with the Grand Marshal for today's event, MSNBC anchor Thomas Roberts (who was a local reporter years ago) and his husband, Patrick.

The weather forecast today is less than wonderful but the husband and I will be aboard the American Rover for the PrideFest boat parade - the only one in America - with friends before spending the afternoon at PrideFest.  I encourage local readers to attend.  More details can be found here. 

This year's Pride celebration has truly turned into a Pride week with events virtually every day all week.  Just 12 years ago when I attended my first Hampton Roads Pride, the event was tucked back out of sight in a Norfolk city park with the number of attendees being in the hundreds.  Now, we are celebrating in Norfolk's premier waterfront venue and the attendees number in the many thousands.  We have truly come a long way in Norfolk and across the nation.

On a side note, one of my daughters posted this on her Facebook page and really touched me:

This is probably not the most mature thing but....if you don't agree with today's ruling please either go ahead and unfriend yourself, or comment so I can unfriend you. Today's ruling was just the first step of many needed to provide our LGBTQ brothers and sisters with the rights they are due.

The Christofascists and Republican Party are truly alienating the Millennials with their anti-gay animus and bigotry. 

Supreme Court Strikes Down All Gay Marriage Bans

It is a very emotional day - in a 5-4 ruling, with Justice Anthony Kennedy writing the opinion, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that the Fourteenth Amendment of the United States Constitution requires a State to license a marriage between two people of the same sex and to recognize a marriage between two people of the same sex when their marriage was lawfully licensed and performed out-of-State.  It is a dream come true for same sex couples who until just 12 years ago had to fear felony prosecutions in 13 states (including Virginia) for same sex relations. It is also a nightmare come true for Christofascists who see their ability to inject their toxic and ignorance worshiping beliefs crumbling before their eyes.    As a bit of irony, its was on June 26, 2013, that the ruling in Lawrence v. Texas struck down the remaining sodomy statutes. Then, on June 26, 2013 the ruling in United States v. Windsor struck down the Federal Defense of Marriage Act as applicable to the federal government.  Here are some initial highlights from the ruling (see the opinion here):

The Constitution promises liberty to all within its reach, a liberty that includes certain specific rights that allow persons, within a lawful realm, to define and express their identity. The petitioners in these cases seek to find that liberty by marrying someone of the same sex and having their marriages deemed lawful on the same terms and conditions as marriages between persons of the opposite sex.

With the exception of the opinion here under review and one other,  . . . . the Courts of Appeals have held that excluding same-sex couples from marriage violates the Constitution.

Under the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment, no State shall “deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law.” The fundamental liberties protected by this Clause include most of the rights enumerated in the Bill of Rights. See Duncan v. Louisiana, 391 U. S. 145, 147–149 (1968). In addition these liberties extend to certain personal choices central to individual dignity and autonomy, including intimate choices that define personal identity and beliefs.

The generations that wrote and ratified the Bill of Rights and the Fourteenth Amendment did not presume to know the extent of freedom in all of its dimensions, and so they entrusted to future generations a charter protecting the right of all persons to enjoy liberty as we learn its meaning.

[T]he Court has long held the right to marry is protected by the Constitution. In Loving v. Virginia, 388 U. S. 1, 12 (1967), which invalidated bans on interracial unions, a unanimous Court held marriage is “one of the vital personal rights essential to the orderly pursuit of happiness by free men.” The Court reaffirmed that holding in Zablocki v. Redhail, 434 U. S. 374, 384 (1978), which held the right to marry was burdened by a law prohibiting fathers who were behind on child support from marrying. The Court again applied this principle in Turner v. Safley, 482 U. S. 78, 95 (1987), which held the right to marry was abridged by regulations limiting the privilege of prison inmates to marry. Over time and in other contexts, the Court has reiterated that the right to marry is fundamental under the Due Process Clause.

[A]nalysis compels the conclusion that same-sex couples may exercise the right to marry. The four principles and traditions to be discussed demonstrate that the reasons marriage is fundamental under the Constitution apply with equal force to same-sex couples.

A first premise of the Court’s relevant precedents is that the right to personal choice regarding marriage is inherent in the concept of individual autonomy. This abiding connection between marriage and liberty is why Loving invalidated interracial marriage bans under the Due Process Clause.

A second principle in this Court’s jurisprudence is that the right to marry is fundamental because it supports a two-person union unlike any other in its importance to the committed individuals. . . . As this Court held in Lawrence, same-sex couples havethe same right as opposite-sex couples to enjoy intimate association.

Under the laws of the several States, some of marriage’s protections for children and families are material. But marriage also confers more profound benefits. By giving recognition and legal structure to their parents’ relationship, marriage allows children “to understand the integrity and closeness of their own family and its concord with other families in their community and in their daily lives.” . . . As all parties agree, many same-sex couples provide loving and nurturing homes to their children, whether biological or adopted. And hundreds of thousands of children are presently being raised by such couples.

Excluding same-sex couples from marriage thus conflicts with a central premise of the right to marry. Without the recognition, stability, and predictability marriage offers, their children suffer the stigma of knowing their families are somehow lesser. They also suffer the significant material costs of being raised by unmarried parents,relegated through no fault of their own to a more difficult and uncertain family life. The marriage laws at issue here thus harm and humiliate the children of same-sex couples.

[W]hile the States are in general free to vary the benefits they confer on all married couples, they have throughout our history made marriage the basis for an expanding list of governmental rights, benefits, and responsibilities. These aspects of marital status include: taxation; inheritance and property rights; rules of intestate succession; spousal privilege in the law of evidence; hospital access; medical decision making authority;adoption rights; the rights and benefits of survivors; birth and death certificates; professional ethics rules; campaign finance restrictions; workers’ compensation benefits; health insurance; and child custody, support, and visitation rules.

There is no difference between same- and opposite-sex couples with respect to this principle. Yet by virtue of their exclusion from that institution, same-sex couples are denied the constellation of benefits that the States have linked to marriage. This harm results in more than just material burdens. Same-sex couples are consigned to an instability many opposite-sex couples would deem intolerable in their own lives. As the State itself makes marriage all the more precious by the significance it attaches to it,exclusion from that status has the effect of teaching that gays and lesbians are unequal in important respects. It demeans gays and lesbians for the State to lock them out of a central institution of the Nation’s society. Same-sex couples, too, may aspire to the transcendent purposes of marriage and seek fulfillment in its highest meaning.

The limitation of marriage to opposite-sex couples may long have seemed natural and just, but its inconsistency with the central meaning of the fundamental right to marry is now manifest.

The right to marry is fundamental as a matter of history and tradition, but rights come not from ancient sources alone. They rise, too, from a better informed understanding of how constitutional imperatives define a liberty that remains urgent in our own era. Many who deem same-sex marriage to be wrong reach that conclusion based on decent and honorable religious or philosophical premises,and neither they nor their beliefs are disparaged here. But when that sincere, personal opposition becomes en- acted law and public policy, the necessary consequence is to put the imprimatur of the State itself on an exclusion that soon demeans or stigmatizes those whose own liberty is then denied. Under the Constitution, same-sex couples seek in marriage the same legal treatment as opposite-sex couples, and it would disparage their choices and diminish their person hood to deny them this right. 

The right of same-sex couples to marry that is part of the liberty promised by the Fourteenth Amendment is derived, too, from that Amendment’s guarantee of the equal protection of the laws.

The Constitution, however, does not permit the State to bar same-sex couples from marriage on the same terms as accorded to couples of the opposite sex.

More reflections will follow in subsequent posts - as will thoughts on the spittle flecked hysteria that will no doubt be sweeping through Christofascists circles.

Pope Francis: Gay Parents Not Capable Of Loving Children Like Straight Parents

I am beginning to wonder whether Pope Francis is bi-polar.  One minute he is saying something progressive and accepting of science and modern knowledge - e.g., his encyclical on climate change - yet the net minute he says something worthy of the worse ignorance embracing Christofascist.  The later is exemplified by his statement claiming that gay couples with children are not capable of loving children like heterosexual parents.  Of course, Francis knows nothing of marriage or parenting himself being a celibate man.  And I suspect that he has never sat down with a same sex couple and their children, nor has he read any of the legitimate studies finding that the children of same sex couples do just as well as those with heterosexual parents - or that most child abuse is done by heterosexual parents.  The Daily Grind looks at this outburst of batshitery.  Here are excerpts:

Pope Francis once again stressed the importance of children being raised by heterosexual parents on Sunday (June 14), likening a long-lasting marriage to a good wine, in which a husband and wife make the most of their gender differences.

Francis addressed a crowd of about 25,000 followers from the Diocese of Rome, saying the differences between men and women are fundamental and “an integral part of being human.”

“They’re not scared of the differences!” the pope said. “What great richness this diversity is, a diversity which becomes complementary, but also reciprocal. It binds them, one to the other.”

He stressed that heterosexual marriages ensure a couples’ happiness and are essential for good parenting.

The pontiff’s address came a day after Rome celebrated gay pride with a parade which included the city’s mayor, Ignazio Marino, just outside the Vatican walls.

What children need are parents. Parents who will love them, nurture them and protect them. What they don’t need is to be told that the anatomy of the parents raising them will somehow make them into better people. In fact, research shows that children raised by same sex couples do as well as those raised by heterosexual couples.

Francis, not gays is the one who is afraid.  Francis also conveniently ignores the reality that at least here in America, 50% of straight marriages end in divorce and that the children of such marriages witness a reality that is far different than Francis' fairytale vision of marriage.   Why anyone listens to the blather of celibate old men when it comes to issues of marriage and child rearing is baffling.  These are the LAST people to give realistic advice or guidance.

A Pro-Same-Sex Marriage Ruling Will Not Resolve Parents’ Rights

At a recent panel discussion I attended, one topic that came up is what will still need to be done to win fully LGBT equality even if the U.S. Supreme Court strikes down state same sex marriage bans as is widely expected.  For starters, it 29 states, - including Virginia which always brings up the rear guard it seems - LGBT employees will still be subject to being fired at will based on their sexual orientation or gender identity/expression.  Then there is the whole realm of parental adoption.  Some states ban gay adoption, others restrict adoption to single gays or lesbians.  Here in Virginia, the governor and attorney general have stated that married same sex couples can adopt just like heterosexual couples, yet private adoption agencies so far are still allowed to discriminate against gays seeking to adopt based on "religious belief" - a parting gift to bigots by former Governor (and now convicted felon) Bob McDonnell and former Attorney General Ken "Kookinelli" Cuccinelli.  The New York Times looks at the minefields that still will exist for gays seeking to adopt in many states.  Here are highlights:

When Jessica and Melissa Tincher take the four-hour road trip from their home in Lexington, Ohio, to visit relatives in Indiana, it is a two-vehicle affair: They need car seats for each of their four children — a 4-year-old, a 3-year-old and 2-year-old twins — along with Pack ’n Plays, high chairs, diapers and enough toys to keep everyone entertained. And then there are the two dogs, who together weigh 165 pounds.

But as their caravan crosses state lines, the family’s relationship changes. In Ohio, their marriage is not fully recognized, which is why only one parent — Jessica — was permitted to adopt the four biological siblings who came to them through the foster care system. When they drive into Indiana, where they were both raised and married last June, the couple’s union is valid, but Melissa still does not have any parental rights.

They live in Ohio because Jessica’s job as an air traffic controller is there. So Melissa, who stays home to care for the children, must carry around a permission slip of sorts when she takes them to the doctor or other appointments. “I am with them all day every day,” Melissa said. “I take care of their day-to-day needs, and I have no rights to them legally. It’s hurtful.”

If same-sex marriage is legalized nationwide as part of the monumental case before the Supreme Court  . . . .  married couples living in states that do not acknowledge their unions will gain significant financial and legal benefits.   But as sweeping as the changes will be, one aspect of marriage may not always be automatically guaranteed: parental rights.

Family law varies in different states, which is why the advice to same-sex couples will remain the same: Nonbiological parents wishing to fully cement legal relationships with their children may need to take another step like adopting or securing another court-ordered judgment. If the court rules in their favor, gay couples would for the first time be able to widely adopt children regardless of which state they live in.

The right to adopt would provide a profound sense of relief to the Tinchers, along with same-sex households across the country, because it would largely end the inequality for many couples whose children have legal ties to only one parent.

Now, only individuals or couples whose marriages are legally recognized can generally adopt children in most states. That means same-sex couples can adopt in at least 35 states that issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, along with the District of Columbia . . .

National marriage status could also provide another way to create legal ties to children, although it may be more tenuous in some states. Traditionally, children born to a married woman are generally presumed to be the legal children of her husband. Many states also have laws that say the husband of a woman who is artificially inseminated with donor sperm is the child’s legal father, if he consents to the procedure. Those laws also apply to two married women in many states, but it is unclear whether all states will adopt that position if same-sex marriage is legalized nationwide.

Because of the way interstate recognition works on different issues, adoption is the only way to ensure that a parent-child relationship is recognized across state lines, said Joanna L. Grossman, a professor of family law at Hofstra University.

Some nonbiological parents may not even realize that they have legal relationships with only some of their children, or with those born after the same-sex couple was married.
Legalizing same-sex marriage will not eliminate the potential for discrimination over parental rights in every corner of the country, particularly in places already working on legislation that would undermine a pro-marriage ruling. Michigan just passed a law that would allow state-funded child welfare agencies to deny services to people — including same-sex couples who want to provide foster care or adopt — based on religious grounds. Virginia and North Dakota already have similar religious exemption laws, according to the Movement Advancement Project, and Alabama and Texas have proposed them.

Read the entire piece.  And remember that all of these anti-LGBT laws and regulations have one ultimate purpose: (i) to force Christofascist religious beliefs on all citizens, (ii) to punish gays for not complying with Christofascist religious dogma, and (iii) to allow the Christofascists to feel superior and self-satisfied.  As for the children harmed by such bigotry their response, as Rhett Butler said to Scarlett, is simply "frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

New Research Further Debunks Mark Regnerus Study On Gay Parenting

One of my last posts on Mark Regnerus involved efforts by students at the University of Texas to have him disciplined - read fired - in the wake of his bogus research on gay parenting being rejected by a federal judge in Michigan last year and the University's sociology department formally distancing itself from Regenus and his "research" which was funded by far right anti-gay groups.  Now, two researchers who have been reviewing Regnerus' fraudulent study are about to release a study of their own which concludes that when all of the false data is stripped from Regnerus' work, it actually supports gay parenting.  Right Wing Watch looks at the coming release:

In an upcoming article, a pair of sociologists are putting what they call the “final nail in the coffin” of the much-criticized study by University of Texas sociologist Mark Regnerus that purported to show that being raised by gay and lesbian parents harms children. The Regnerus study has become a favorite tool of Religious Right activists seeking to show that households led by same-sex couples are bad for children. At the same time, the study has come under scrutiny for the funding it received from anti-gay groups and for its lack of respondents who were actually raised in same-sex parent households.

Indiana University's Brian Powell and the University of Connecticut’s Simon Cheng didn’t just find methodological flaws in Regnerus’ research — they took the data he collected, cleaned it up, and redid the study, coming to a very different conclusion about families led by same-sex couples. Their article will be published in “Social Science Research,” the same journal that published the Regnerus study.

By eliminating suspect data . . . . and correcting what they view as Regnerus’ methodological errors, Cheng and Powell found that Regnerus’ conclusions were so “fragile” that his data could just as easily show that children raised by gay and lesbian parents don’t face negative adult outcomes.

“[W]hen equally plausible and, in our view, preferred methodological decisions are used,” they wrote, “a different conclusion emerges: adult children who lived with same-sex parents show comparable outcome profiles to those from other family types, including intact biological families.”

In other words, as University of Maryland sociologist Philip Cohen put it, “when you clean the data and fix the things that are fixable, the results just don’t hold up.” 

[O]ver one-third of the 236 people whom Regnerus classified as having been raised by a lesbian mother or gay father “should absolutely not have ever been considered by Regnerus in this study.”

Reanalyzing Regnerus’ data after eliminating respondents who offered dubious biographical information and recategorizing people who clearly were not raised by gay parents, Cheng and Powell found only three statistically significant differences between  the respondents raised by a lesbian mother and those who reported having been raised in “intact biological family” households. Only one of those differences could be considered a negative adult outcome — those respondents were more likely to have had an affair while married or cohabitating.

If the University of Texas cares about its reputation, Regnerus needs to be sent packing.  He is a liar and a fraud - which, of course, is why he's a darling of the Christofascists.