A Lifeline For Older Men Coming Out

When I began my coming out journey, I spent literally years in therapy.  First, I had to shed the religious brainwashing, shame and guilt inculcated into me by my Catholic upbringing.  After that bridge had been crossed, my nest stage was to figure out how to live a fulfilling life as a gay man.  My therapist were a life line for me and they pushed and forced me to find inner strength and to let go of so much old baggage.  Despite this help, there was a lack of books and other resources aimed at those coming out in mid-life.  In fact, my last therapist said repeatedly that I should write a book for those coming out later in life.  He said a friend of his was writing a blog as a method to accumulate material for his upcoming book.  He suggested that I should do the same.  Thus, Michael-in-Norfolk- Coming Out in Mid-Life was born.  Eight years later, I still have not written the book, but I have tied to share my trials and tribulations along the way as I have made my journey.  I remain more than happy to communicate with those seeking advice or shared experiences via e-mail and/or telephone calls. A piece in Huffington Post looks at a new book that tries to help fill the void I found in terms of resources.  Here are review highlights:

When my therapist, Adam asked me who I could talk to about coming out, I pointed at him. "Of course," he said "But, what I meant, was a friend or a family member." I looked up as if the answer might have been written on the ceiling. Not finding it there, I looked down at my shoes, shifted uncomfortably in my chair and then said "No one." At forty-three years of age, nobody really knew who I was. I was alone.

I was a father, a husband, a son, a brother and an IT Director. I had friends, but none of them close. When you're in the closet, you worry that every word, glance or gesture might give your secret away. How could I have developed an authentic relationship?

The closet seems like a vestige from a darker time. Many young LGBT people never experienced the repression, but there is an older generation of men who closed the door decades ago and now find themselves transported through time, tentatively stepping out into a terrifying, exciting and puzzling world. They often feel alone.

If you are coming out late, you are not alone.  Fashionably Late: Gay, Bi, and Trans Men Who Came Out Later in Life is a collection of stories that sheds light on a large and largely overlooked segment of the LGBT+ community. The anthology offers affirmation to older men coming out of the closet. I am honored to have an essay included.

I had the opportunity to speak with Vinnie Kinsella, the publisher and editor from Eldredge Books, who created this anthology. 

Q: What prompted you to create this book?  KINSELLA: The biggest prompt for me was the surprising growth of the meetup group I started for men who came out later in life: . . . I expected maybe twelve men in my city would ever join. When we exceeded a hundred members in just a few months, I was floored. I had no idea there were that many men in my city who identified as coming out later in life.

Q: How do you think this book will help LGBT men?  KINSELLA: My hope is that the book will be a strong tool for combating shame. What I hear from a lot of men coming out is a lot of shame for what they didn't do. Shame for not being honest with friends and family about their sexuality of gender identity. Shame for letting fear keep them from living an authentic life. I think this book combats shame by sending the message of, "Don't beat yourself up for coming out a bit later than the norm. Celebrate the fact that you came out at all!"

Q: Is there a void in the market for this type of book or these stories?   KINSELLA: Yes. When I looked for books that could help me early on in my coming out, I found that most of the resources for coming out are youth-focused. I think the belief is that coming out as an adult is rare, but that's simply not true. The culture is so different today from what it was thirty or forty years ago. For Baby Boomers and older Gen Xers, the support system for youth coming out wasn't like it is today, so many men from that era stayed in the closet. . . . That's the void this book fills. It's not a how-to guide. It's more like an "It's Gets Better" campaign for men.

Q: Do you expect this book to help the families of LGBT men? KINSELLA: Indirectly, yes. It will offer insight into what goes on in the mind of a man coming out, which can helpful for spouses, kids, grandkids, and others who have lots of questions about what might have prompted their relative to come out.

As Kinsella notes, there are LOTS of us who have come out or who are in the process of coming out later in life.   We all need to help and support one another.

What Do You Tell A Gay Man Who Is Afraid to Come Out of the Closet?

From time to time I receive requests for advice from gay men who are in the closet and struggling to either come out and rebuild a new life or who sometimes simply want a sympathetic ear.  Sometimes the requests come by e-mail, sometimes by telephone calls to me at the office and, on a few occasions, in person meetings.  The later always arise from a call seeking an appointment to discuss "a confidential matter."  Coming out is hard - perhaps the hardest thing one can do after years of being married to a woman and having children.  I experienced that road all too well.  But there is life after coming out even if it doesn't fall into place as quickly as we would want.  

Recently, I received a call from a man in a somewhat confounding situation.  He lives in a moderate sized city in the Bible Belt, is gay, is separated from his wife of many years but not divorced, is afraid to come out because of fears of what it would do to his career (which given the city he is in is likely a valid fear), yet he wants to find someone for a committed relationship who is like him in the closet.  He asked me for advise on how to find that special someone.  Frankly, I am at a loss as to what to tell him.  By not coming out, to my view, the opportunities of meeting someone are limited.  Craigslist or Adam4Adam, etc., are not exactly sites for finding a long term committed relationship. I'd love to receive readers' thoughts on this issue.

For those not living in a Bible Belt city, an advice column in the Washington Post had the advice I would more typically tell someone coming out.  Here is the column:

Q. Carolyn, my spouse told me earlier this week that they want a divorce. I had a gay affair, and they found out in November. I thought we might make it, and I was pushing for us to work past this, but it looks like that's not going to happen. We both love each other, but I guess emotional love isn't enough. The thing is -- I don't even know where to start. I can't tell my family. I don't want to come out. I feel like a failure. No one in my family is divorced. Is there a step-by-step guide to this? Where do I live? What do I tell people? How do I navigate? (we have no kids, and we've already agreed to split everything 50/50, so this will be painful but not spiteful. I just don't know what to DO and I feel paralyzed.)

A. Carolyn Hax :

I can't tell my family.

Yes, you can, and have to. The bulk of your problem(s) right now trace right back to this truth: Who you are and the life you're living are not in harmony. You are one person and trying to live as another. Until you resolve this fundamental dissonance, you will remain at a loss for what to do next. Where you start is to accept who you are, then you decide how you want to live (from among the options available to you, I should say, since the option of preserving the illusion of your marriage is now off the table).

I don't want to come out.

See above.

I feel like a failure.

You are not a failure; your marriage has failed. Big difference. This will go a whole lot better if you resist the urge to see cosmic meaning in earthly things. When it all feels overwhelming, take each piece and deal with it as pragmatically as you can. Make lists, for example: 1. Find place to live. 2. Schedule the move. 3. Notify people on need-to-know basis. Etc.

 

No one in my family is divorced.

Hey, somebody had to be first! Flippant as hell, but you know what? You go with it. It's the only option that won't make you nuts.

Is there a step-by-step guide to this?

No, but ... well, there probably is a guide in a blog somewhere, so I'll leave that to Google. But right now what you probably need more than anything is a safe place to sort out all of your feelings in this. A good, reputable therapist is an investment in your future, at this point, one I suggest you make. (Don't be afraid to shop around.)

Where do I live?

Not for me to say, but, if you're really unsure, look for something short term while you regain your emotional footing.

What do I tell people?

"[Wife] and I are separating. I'd rather not get into details right now, thanks."

How do I navigate?

With confidence that you will be okay, and that any seismic shifts will be scary but also necessary and, for that reason, ultimately to your benefit. Hang in there.

I have found that often our own fears and the fear of what others will think are our biggest obstacles. We cannot let them paralyze us and keep us trapped.

How Many American Men Are Gay?

Degrees of the Closet - Mississippi is the most intolerant state with the likely most closeted men

Since coming out in mid-life one thing that has struck me is the number of closeted men there are.  They even exist in my old suburban neighborhood although the only place you will find them is on sites like Craigslist or Adam4Adam.  Many apparently go on and on living a double life, never admitting that they are in reality gay.  It is something that I could not do and I cannot imagine every returning to a life where I played a role rather than truly living my life.  An op-ed in the New York Times conjectures that at least 5% of American men are gay.  I'd venture that the percentage is much higher if all the closet cases were ever truly counted.  Here are are excerpts from the column:

WHAT percent of American men are gay? This question is notoriously difficult to answer. Historical estimates range from about 2 percent to 10 percent.

But somewhere in the exabytes of data that human beings create every day are answers to even the most challenging questions. 

Using surveys, social networks, pornographic searches and dating sites, I recently studied evidence on the number of gay men. The data used in this analysis is available in highly aggregated form only and can be downloaded from publicly accessible sites. While none of these data sources are ideal, they combine to tell a consistent story. 

At least 5 percent of American men, I estimate, are predominantly attracted to men, and millions of gay men still live, to some degree, in the closet. Gay men are half as likely as straight men to acknowledge their sexuality on social networks. More than one quarter of gay men hide their sexuality from anonymous surveys. The evidence also suggests that a large number of gay men are married to women. 

While these data sources all measure different degrees of openness, one result is strikingly similar: All three suggest that the openly gay population is dramatically higher in more tolerant states, defined using an estimate by Nate Silver of support for same-sex marriage.

Are there really so many fewer gay men living in less tolerant states? There is no evidence that gay men would be less likely to be born in these states. Have many of them moved to more tolerant areas? Some have, but Facebook data show that mobility can explain only a small fraction of the difference in the totally out population.  . . . .  Some gay men do move out of less tolerant states, but this effect is small. 

While tolerant states have a slightly higher percentage of these searches, roughly 5 percent of pornographic searches are looking for depictions of gay men in all states. This again suggests that there are just about as many gay men in less tolerant states as there are anywhere else.  

These results suggest that the closet remains a major factor in American life. For comparison, about 3.6 percent of American men tell anonymous surveys they are attracted to men and a tenth of gay men say that they do not tell most of the important people in their lives. In states where the stigma against homosexuality remains strong, many more gay men are in the closet than are out. 

How deep in the closet are these men? . . . . Additional evidence that suggests that many gay men in intolerant states are deeply in the closet comes from a surprising source: the Google searches of married women. It turns out that wives suspect their husbands of being gay rather frequently. In the United States, of all Google searches that begin “Is my husband...,” the most common word to follow is “gay.” “Gay” is 10 percent more common in such searches than the second-place word, “cheating.” It is 8 times more common than “an alcoholic” and 10 times more common than “depressed.” 

Searches questioning a husband’s sexuality are far more common in the least tolerant states. The states with the highest percentage of women asking this question are South Carolina and Louisiana. 

Craigslist lets us look at this from a different angle. I analyzed ads for males looking for “casual encounters.” The percentage of these ads that are seeking casual encounters with men tends to be larger in less tolerant states. Among the states with the highest percentages are Kentucky, Louisiana and Alabama. 

There is, in other words, a huge amount of secret suffering in the United States that can be directly attributed to intolerance of homosexuality. 

This particular part of the column stood out to me and embodies the pain and suffering caused by religious bigotry, all so that the Christofascists can feel better about themselves while denigrating gays:

I asked a psychiatrist in Mississippi who specializes in helping closeted gay men if any of his patients might want to talk to me. One man contacted me. He told me he was a retired professor, in his 60s, married to the same woman for more than 40 years. 

He and his wife do not have sex. He says that he would feel guilty ever ending his marriage or openly dating a man. He regrets virtually every one of his major life decisions. 

The retired professor and his wife will go another night without romantic love, without sex. Despite enormous progress, the persistence of intolerance will cause millions of other Americans to do the same.

This knowledge leaves me with a deep sense of sadness.  What also bothers me is that the Christofascist, anti-gay hate groups, and denominations like the Catholic Church and Southern Baptist Convention do not give a damn about the harm their anti-gay jihad is having on straight spouses.   To me, that's the biggest sin of all.

How People Lie About Gay Sex and Homophobia

Since coming out I have become convinced that the actual number of gays is actually much larger than the official statistics on the LGBT population state.  Why?  Because so many men lie about their real sexual orientation.  Go to any Craigslist M4M "personals" section and you will find countless "MWM - married white male - and DL - down low black guys looking for gay sex.  Does anyone seriously believe these guys admit that they are gay on surveys?  They are in denial and have countless excuses as to why they are looking for other guys, none of which include the fact that they are gay.  I assume a similar phenomenon goes on in the W4W sections.   A piece in Bloomberg seems to bear out my unscientific research conclusions.  Here are excerpts:

Social theorists, above all Duke University’s Timur Kuran, have drawn attention to the phenomenon of “preference falsification.” The basic idea is that when people speak in public, they aren’t always truthful about their preferences. What they say is different from what they really think. 

Recent research uncovers strong evidence of preference falsification in the U.S. When people are assured of anonymity, it turns out, a lot more of them will acknowledge that they have had same-sex experiences and that they don’t entirely identify as heterosexual. But it also turns out that when people are assured of anonymity, they will show significantly higher rates of anti-gay sentiment. 

These results suggest that recent surveys have been understating, at least to some degree, two different things: the current level of same-sex activity and the current level of opposition to gay rights. 

The research, conducted by Ohio State University economist Katherine B. Coffman and her colleagues, involved 2,516 participants, all from the U.S. About half of the participants were randomly assigned to take a standard survey, employing the “best practices” in widespread use today. 

In this survey, people were asked to respond to several innocuous questions, not involving sensitive issues, and then to answer questions about sexual orientation, designed to elicit both their views and their reports about their own behavior. This approach gives apparently credible assurances of anonymity to those surveyed, but it remains possible, in practice, for the experimenters to link particular answers to particular questions. 

The other participants were assigned to what Coffman and her colleagues call a “veiled report” treatment. The details are a bit technical, but the basic point is to design the survey so that the experimenters can’t learn, and can’t even make inferences about, any individual’s answers to particular questions. They can calculate answers only at the aggregate level. 

The two approaches produced significantly different results. In the best practices survey, 17 percent of participants said they had had a sexual experience with someone of the same sex (12 percent of men, 24 percent of women). For the veiled report, the corresponding number was 27 percent (17 percent of men and 43 percent of women) -- an increase of 58 percent.

The effect of assuring anonymity varied significantly across demographic groups. The veiled survey had no effect on the answers of young people to questions about their sexual orientation, apparently because social norms don’t much discourage young people from revealing the truth.

[A]mong Christians and older people, the effect of the veiled approach was especially large, increasing their reports of non-heterosexuality and of same-sex experiences by more than 100 percent. 

Americans increasingly disapprove of discrimination against gay men and lesbians. That disapproval is likely to grow over time.  But social norms continue to matter. We have good reason to believe that there is more same-sex activity, and also more homophobia, than current surveys suggest.

 Note the findings on responses from Christians.  

Pakistan: HomophobiscYet Addicted to Gay Sex and Pornography

Just as in the homophobic and supposedly "family values" Bible Belt where Internet porn use is off the charts, so too in Islamic Pakistan it seems that gay sex and pornography are likewise rampant.  The hypocrisy in both instances is, of course, exquisite.   The lesson is that the more a social or faith group feigns religiosity and would be piety, the  more likely it is that it's all a crock of bullshit when one sees what happens behind closed doors.  The Atlantic looks at the gay sex that some claim is rampant in Pakistan.  Here are story excerpts:

Pakistan is one of the most homophobic countries in the world. Yet gay sex is apparently prevalent in the country, which is home to 183 million people, some 97% of whom are Muslim. 

As the BBC's Mobeen Azhar reports in a fascinating investigation, the combination of the prevalence of gay mobile apps like Grindr and Scruff, plus the onus of arranged marriage, has made the Pakistani city of Karachi — the nation's biggest city, at nearly 24 million people — a hotbed of gay sex, even if actually maintaining a gay lifestyle is still incredibly difficult.

"[S]ome say the country is a great place to be gay — even describing the port city of Karachi as 'a gay man's paradise," Azhar writes.

Gay rights don't exist there, being openly gay is still looked down upon, gay relationships are hard to come by, and Karachi pretty much fails on every metric of gay life except for one: man-on-man sex. Karachi is home to a lot of it. 

Like any other country in the world (despite Iran's claims to the contrary), Pakistan has a homosexual population. Earlier this summer, for example, the Pew Research Center found that Pakistan was simultaneously one of the most intolerant countries in the world for gay people while at the same time being one of the world leaders in searching for gay porn. "As of this writing, Pakistan is by volume the world leader for Google searches of the terms 'shemale sex,' 'teen anal sex,' and 'man fucking man,'" Mother Jones's Alex Park wrote.

But despite all this gay sex, life for gay people is still pretty awful in Karachi. That's because gay people, like straight people, crave relationships. And that's still not possible in Pakistan. Many of the men engaging in gay sex acts, Azhar explains, are married. "Sex between men will be overlooked as long as no-one feels that tradition or religion are being challenged. At the end of it all, everyone gets married to a member of the opposite sex and nothing is spoken about," a local told Azhar. 

So gay relationships become an anomaly. Azhar uses the word "occasional." And its led to plots like what's currently going in China—gay men and lesbians "marrying" each other out of convenience.

Actually, Karachi doesn't sound too different from the Hampton Roads area of Virginia.  Go on craigslist or any gay hook up site and you will find countless married men looking for quick nearly anonymous gay sex. 

Closeted Gays: Married Men Seeking Married Men

I always laugh when the Christofascists insist that gays make up only 2 to 3 percent of the population.  These folks obviously haven't surfed gay hook up sites where there are multitudes of  married men seeking other married men for sex.  I'm sure that if asked all of these men would claim that they are straight - yes, straight to the next married man.  The attraction of other married men  is obvious - another closeted man is not likely to "out" you and force you to confront what's really going on and the fact that one isn't straight if you are having sex with other men.  When I came out I was shocked by the number of married men looking for sex in gay chat rooms.  I even encountered one from my old neighborhood who had kids on the same neighborhood swim team as my children.  Yes, I was naive to put it mildly.  And, unlike so many of these "straight" married men, I had to be honest about myself and to my family.   Yes, the consequences of honesty and my ultimate divorce were messy to put it mildly.   But living a dual life was something I simply could not do.  A piece in Huffington Post looks at the phenomenon of married men looking for other married men.  Here are some excerpts:

Just a little over 12 years ago, I would have said, "I'm not gay, I just like having sex with men!"  Excuse me, that sounds pretty homosexual to me. Granted, if you're a male and having sex with other males, you could be bisexual, but whatever you are, you should just admit it. But I didn't do that 12 years ago. I was caught in a dysfunctional sexual limbo that made no sense. Of course, things have changed and I'm a happy homosexual now. I've also joined the ranks of the "happily divorced" and I'm no longer messing around with other married men, disengaging from the experience and pretending to be something I'm not. However, contrary to popular belief, there are more "married men looking for married men" out there.

Shocking as it may seem to some of you, this phenomena is not new. Of course, I have no cold hard facts to prove this statement, but I don't need them. All I need is a computer, an Internet connection and an hour of free time. There are numerous sites where "married men for married men" lurk. There are also online groups where these guys exchange their stories, get support for their dual lives and find the occasional hookup. And then there are online chat rooms, gay hook-up sites, and gay apps that are also used by men who are married and "just having sex with men," even though they're "not gay." 

Society's lack of education and understanding towards alternatives to heterosexuality has forced people, men and women, into hiding in mixed-orientation marriages. This leads to people not living their authentic lives, nasty divorces, children who question their own sexuality after a parent comes out and numerous other problems .  .  .  . 

There's more to the piece that looks at why no gay man in his right mind would date and become emotionally involved with a married man.   To me, however, the real point of the story is that there are many, many more gays than the Christofascists like to believe.  And as society becomes more accepting of gays and we achieve full civil law equality, expect our visibility and numbers to increase.  It will not because there are suddenly more gays, but rather simply because more of us are finally being honest with ourselves and our families.

A "White Marriage" - A Perfect Model for "Ex-gays"

I will concede that I missed the first episode of GCB - Good Christian Belles. But from the media coverage it seems that the first episode showcased a perfect model for marriage between "ex-gays" and "ex-gays" and their camouflage providing straight spouses. What's a "white Marriage"? The Free Dictionary defines it as a "marriage without sexual relations." That model obviously works for "celibate ex-gays." But what about those who have found that "change doesn't really occur despite what the Bible beaters say? For them, a perhaps more realistic "white marriage" is where the couple grits their teeth, have relations, produce a couple of children and thereafter go their own sexual ways in pursuit of the same sex relationships that they truly seek. Even though the marriage is a fraud, the ex-gays can parade their spouses and children about as proof that they are "ex-gay." Community Voices looks at the plot behind the first GCB episode. Here are some highlights:

On his new show, ABC's "GCB" (10 p.m. Sunday, WTAE), the actor [Mark Deklin] gets to smile. A lot.

In last night's episode Deklin's Blake even managed to smile through some personal sadness as the show's writers revelaed the extent of his wife's knowledge about his sexual orientation. The premiere episode of "GCB" clued viewers in that Blake is gay and last night's episode revealed Blake's wife, Cricket (Miriam Shor), signed on to the marriage with the understanding that he'd be having sex with men on the side. The couple even share opposite sides of an extra-wide bed.

Deklin said when he signed on to appear in "GCB" he wasn't sure how to approach Blake and his relationship with Cricket.

"I have 100 or so gay friends and they're all out. I don't know anyone in the closet," he said. So he consulted executive producer Robert Harling. "Bobby said there's this peculiar thing in the South called a 'white marriage,' it's an open secret, almost like the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell. Husbands and wives who grew up together and are from dynastic, wealthy families, and they decide to get married and have 'our little secret' and they won't talk about it. Bobby said he was always fascinated by that dynamic. I was very naive. I thought it was something nobody did anymore and I've since learned it's more common than we think."

Yes, it involves living a lie, but as this blog has noted many, many times, no one lies more often and with more duplicity than "godly Christians" who pat themselves on their backs for their own piety.

Michele Bachmann’s Political Headache

I wrote yesterday about a hit piece leaked via the Daily Caller that raised questions about Michele Bachmann's fitness for the presidency because of her supposedly "incapacitating" migraines. The story, of course, ignored the myriad other reasons why Bachmann is utterly unfit for the office of president, starting with her religious extremism and the fact that she's totally untethered from objective reality (she makes the Chimperator look well grounded). The fact that she's married to an outwardly lisping, mincing queen only adds to the spectator sport aspects of her campaign. The clear unspoken message from the leaked story is that mainline Republicans want to kill her campaign since they realize that in a general election Obama would massacre Bachmann as thinking moderates and independents fled to the Democrat standard bearing - possibly taking down GOP members of Congress in the process. The Daily Beast looks at Bachmann's headache problem and other machinations likely going on behind the scenes. Here are some highlights:
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When is a migraine more than a migraine? When the person afflicted is a leading presidential candidate who also happens to be a woman. The same day she moved into first place for the first time in a national poll of Republican primary voters, Michele Bachmann faced a potentially game-changing story about her personal health. Coincidence? Who knows, but with success comes heightened scrutiny. She’s in the big leagues now.
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In its explosive story, The Daily Caller described Bachmann’s migraines as weekly and incapacitating, requiring heavy medication and at least three hospitalizations. . . . An unnamed adviser is quoted as saying, “When she gets ’em, frankly, she can’t function at all.”
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The Minnesota congresswoman issued a statement that pointedly did not address her hospitalizations or the possible role of stress. She said her migraines are “easily controlled with medication” and suggested that the proof lies in her busy life as a wife, mother, lawyer, Minnesota state senator, congresswoman, and—now—a White House candidate constantly on the road.
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Larry Jacobs, director of the Center for the Study of Politics and Governance at the University of Minnesota, called Bachmann’s response a good start but only that. “We have learned that we need transparency — medical records, information about the medication, and preferably access to her health provider,” he said. “Being president is too important for a ‘trust me.’”
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The questions raised about Bachmann’s migraines have potentially major political implications. If her supporters are unsure about her health, some may look at other candidates.
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Bachmann’s migraines never came up in her campaigns for the House or the state Senate, according to Jacobs. But the consensus is they are fair game in a presidential campaign. The job has become so global, so demanding, that it requires not simply good health but also enormous stamina.
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In the end, Bachmann may need to release more medical information and grant access to her doctors. If her condition is anywhere close to as serious as depicted by her former aides, her campaign will be in trouble. For now the greater challenge seems to stem from the unusually rapid turnover rate in Bachmann’s congressional staff. She has a slew of former aides, and some of them, apparently, have lots to say.
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I don't wish Michele Bachmann any ill will. That said, I do think she's a menace to the country and we need her out of politics, not occupying the White House.

Stress/Migraine Condition Often "Incapacitates" Michele Bachmann

In what may wel be a hit piece launched by Republicans worried about Michele Bachmann's unelectability in a general election, the Daily Caller, a conservative web outlet, is reporting that Bachmann is plagued with stress related migraines that incapacitate her on a regular basis. Having family members who suffer from migraines, I know first hand just how debilitating they can be when they set in. Thus, as in the article, I cannot help but wonder how a President of the United States could afford to be out of commission on a frequent regular basis due to an afliction that sets in often without warning. And if Bachmann's migraines are stress related, how much worse would the stress of the presidency make them. (I'd further add, and not just to be mean, but if living with her husband who some describe as a cross between Liberace and the Pillsbury dough boy isn't stressful enough now, just wait until he were the first husband.) Here are some story highlights:
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In late July 2010, Rep. Michele Bachmann’s then-communications director, Dave Dziok, told his boss that he planned to take a new job with the public relations firm Edelman. Dziok had worked for Bachmann for two and a half years, a relatively long period by the standards of her office, and was leaving on good terms.
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Staff turnover can frustrate any employer, but Bachmann responded more dramatically. Dziok’s departure triggered a debilitating medical episode that landed the congresswoman in urgent care. “Within 24 hours she was in the hospital,” a former aide says. Bachmann was admitted to a Washington, D.C. hospital on Friday, July 30, and released that same day. She flew home to Minnesota to recuperate, missing a scheduled campaign event with Sen. Roy Blunt.
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It was, according to three people who have worked closely with Bachmann, not an isolated event. The Minnesota Republican frequently suffers from stress-induced medical episodes that she has characterized as severe headaches. These episodes, say witnesses, occur once a week on average and can “incapacitate” her for days at time. On at least three occasions, Bachmann has landed in the hospital as a result.
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“She has terrible migraine headaches. And they put her out of commission for a day or more at a time. They come out of nowhere, and they’re unpredictable,” says an adviser to Bachmann who was involved in her 2010 congressional campaign. “They level her. They put her down. It’s actually sad. It’s very painful.”
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Bachmann’s medical condition wouldn’t merit public attention, but for the fact she is running for president. Some close to Bachmann fear she won’t be equal to the stress of the campaign, much less the presidency itself. “When she gets ‘em, frankly, she can’t function at all. It’s not like a little thing with a couple Advils. It’s bad,” the adviser says. “The migraines are so bad and so intense, she carries and takes all sorts of pills. Prevention pills. Pills during the migraine. Pills after the migraine, to keep them under control. She has to take these pills wherever she goes.”
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To staff, Bachmann has implausibly blamed the headaches on uncomfortable high-heel shoes, but those who have worked closely with her cite stress, a busy schedule and anything going badly for Bachmann as causes.
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Of particular concern to some around her is the significant amount of medication Bachmann takes to address her condition. The former aide says Bachmann’s congressional staff is “constantly” in contact with her doctors to tweak the types and amounts of medicine she is taking. Marcus Bachmann helps her manage the episodes.
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Sources who spoke to The Daily Caller said they did so because they are terrified about the impact the condition could have on Bachmann’s performance if she actually became president. They also worry that the issue could blow up in the general election campaign, giving President Obama an easy path to re-election.
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“It’s a careful choice of words I used: ‘incapacitated,’” the adviser says. “As president, when she’s in crisis management mode, is she going to have the physical ability to withstand the most difficult challenges facing America?” the former aide asks.
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TheDC agreed to provide the sources anonymity because they were providing information only a select group of people could know, at great professional risk. Two sources independently provided detailed accounts of Bachmann’s condition. A third source confirmed that Bachmann frequently suffers from debilitating headache episodes.
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Again, I am not unsympathetic to Michele Bachmann's medical issue. And it cannot be easy being a right wing extremist culture warrior while married to someone who appears to be a closeted gay man. However, if these allegations of "incapacitating" migraines are true, it's an issue voters need to know about.

Navy Prosecutes More Sailors Who Married to Hide Sexuality

The Virginian Pilot is reporting that the Navy is continuing its witch hunt for LGBT service members who married to hide their sexual orientation and local individuals have been arrested. The Navy's premise is that they unlawfully received benefits that married couples receive when a spouse is a member of the military. Sadly, the same effort to weed out sham straight marriages doesn't seem to be materializing. I don't necessarily condone the actions of these sailors, but had they not been faced with potential persecution and expulsion from the Navy because of religious based discrimination, they likely would never entered into these marriages. And compared to the huge amounts of money ripped off by military contractors - who mostly go completely unpunished - and the monies squandered daily by the military (e.g., the senior brass constantly redecorate their offices and discard the old furnishings), we are talking pennies on the dollar. Here are highlights from the Pilot story:

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Two men pleaded guilty Monday to arranging three phony marriages, including one with a Navy doctor, so they and their wives could get more pay and health care benefits and so they could conceal their sexual orientations from the Navy. The men, long-time live-in boyfriends, received tens of thousands of dollars in benefits they weren't entitled to.
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Jeffrey H. Marshburn, 50, and retired Navy Chief Petty Officer Kristopher Graham-Marshburn, 45, both of Hampton, pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court to conspiracy to make false claims against the United States. Graham-Marshburn had his name legally changed, court records say.
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The conspiracy began nearly 20 years ago while Marshburn and Graham-Marshburn, then a petty officer third class and a corpsman, were living in Beaufort, S.C. Marshburn arranged a phony marriage with an unidentified woman so the woman could obtain health care benefits and Marshburn could get an additional housing allowance.
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In 1995, Graham-Marshburn arranged his own phony marriage for the extra housing pay. His then-wife, who was not identified, received health benefits for her and her son. In 2000, he listed Marshburn as his brother and named him a beneficiary of his death benefits.
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Graham-Marshburn admitted that he remains married but has never lived with or had sex with his wife and that his primary motivation to marry was to conceal his sexual orientation from the Navy."

R.I.P Farley Granger

Farley Granger died on Sunday at the age of 85. While he had a very successful career in many respects, he never achieved the stardom that he might have found if he had been willing to succumb to studio pressure and manufactured PR stories to cover up the fact that he was not straight. His story is yet another one of a list of those who paid - and many continue to pay the price even at this moment - for their failure to conform to the religious dictates of a warped version of Christianity which seems more identified by who and what it hates than any love of neighbor lauded by the Christ of the Gospels. Despite career set backs, it seems that Granger had the courage to be his own man and to live his life for who he was as opposed to living a lie to please others. In 2007, he published a memoir, Include Me Out, co-written with his long-term partner (they were together since the 1960's), the producer Robert Calhoun, who died in 2008. Would that more in Hollywood had the courage that Granger displayed. Here are highlights from The Guardian:
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Early on in his career, the actor Farley Granger, who has died aged 85, worked with several of the world's greatest directors, including Alfred Hitchcock on Rope (1948) and Strangers On a Train (1951), Nicholas Ray on They Live By Night (1949) and Luchino Visconti on Senso (1953). Yet Granger failed to sustain the momentum of those years, meandering into television, some stage work and often indifferent European and American movies.
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The reasons were complicated, owing much to his sexuality and an unwillingness to conform to Hollywood pressures, notably from his contract studio, MGM, and Samuel Goldwyn. Granger refused to play the publicity or marrying game common among gay and bisexual stars and turned down roles he considered unsuitable, earning a reputation – in his own words – for being "a naughty boy".
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Luckily, he had also been loaned out for the claustrophobic Rope, filmed in 10-minute takes, resulting in an elegantly artificial movie, with the actors even more puppet-like than was usual with Hitchcock. Granger and John Dall were ideally cast as gay students who murder a friend to display a Nietzschean concept of supremacy. Granger played the highly strung Phillip, who cracks under the probing of their tutor (James Stewart). The public were less than enthusiastic. The director Jean Renoir scathingly dismissed the film, adding that it was "a film about homosexuals in which they don't even show the boys kissing".
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[In 2001 he] retired, devoting himself to travel and his greatest love, the theatre, now as a spectator. In 2007, he published a memoir, Include Me Out, co-written with his long-term partner, the producer Robert Calhoun, who died in 2008.
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As I know first hand after coming out in mid-life, being true to who one is can carry a high price career wise. But the alternative is selling one's soul. That's something Granger apparently refused to do. I applaud his decision.

It Get's Better - Formerly in a Straight Marriage With Children and Gay

It will be ten years ago this fall that I told my former wife that I was gay. In the wake of that revelation, my entire world as I had known it began to collapse with the consequences ranging from a horrible divorce to being fired for being gay to two suicide attempts. Along the way I began this blog to tell my story and vent my feelings of loneliness and often despair as a form of therapy. Since then much has changed - and for the better, including my wonderful relationship with my partner and acceptance by and reconciliation with my children.

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But there are still many, many gays out there across America (and some I know locally) who are still struggling to achieve a level of peace with who they are and at the same time fighting the sense that they have failed their families somehow for merely being who God made them to be and by having tried albeit unsuccessfully to live up to family and societal expectations. If anyone doubts me, peruse some blogs such as Conflicting Clarity; A Journey By Myself; Too Late for Regrets; New Day, New Life, where the author said this:
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My situation is like the snow. I can push it aside and move it around all I want, but it is still there. Push enough of it together and it becomes a bigger pile. Add the lying, cheating, and guilt and the pile grows bigger and bigger until you have an immovable mountain of snow. It never really goes away until the sun melts it. The only way to bring light to this snow pile to possibly melt it down is.....?
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The pain and heartache is palpable. And you will not find any truly selfish or self-centered motivations. Only the desire to tell and live the truth - doing the least harm to others as possible. Living a life of secret hell and self-loathing is exhausting. I've been there and done that. And if there are victims in these scenarios, it is both the gay individual and their straight spouse, not to mention the children involved. And who are the ones responsible for these damaged and conflicted lives? Folks like Pope Benedict XVI, Maggie Gallagher, Bryan Fischer and leaders of "ex-gay" ministries who deliberately spread a message of homophobia and the myth that sexuality is a choice.

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The good news for the writers of these blogs is that life can and will get better. It won't be an easy path as I know all too well. But things will get better. Looking back on how I once lived and how I always felt an actor on a stage playing a role scripted for me by someone else, I could never go back to it. That's not to say all of the past was bad because it wasn't. I'm just saying that it could have been better if I had lived more honestly both with myself and others far earlier.

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I hope that the authors of the blogs mentioned and the countless other individuals out there struggling down the path toward self acceptance and living honestly don't loose sight of the fact that it does get better. It may seem like an eternity at the time, but it will get better. I'm proof that is does.

The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Closet

Jack Drescher, M.D., is a member of the LGBT Committee of the Group for Advancement of Psychiatry and has long been an advocate for ending homophobia and life in the closet. He has a good piece at Huffington Post that looks at the toll DADT takes on closeted members of the military. His analysis likewise describes the phenomenon that many in the LGBT community have taken for varying periods of time in their lives: denial of who they are and strenuous efforts to adopt a life/persona that will be deemed acceptable by family members, church and the larger society. I for one am guilty of this inasmuch as I went through mental gymnastics for years trying to convince myself that I really wasn't attracted to other males that fit the parameters of "my type," got married and had children, and continued in this illusion of authentic life until I simply could no longer do it. The irony, of course, is that many of the opponents of DADT repeal both in the military and in Congress are likely doing the same thing I did for decades by deluding themselves as to their true self. The hostility is a mere transference of their own self-hate. Unlike these people, however, I never allowed my efforts of denial to lead me to actively harm members of the LGBT community or to opposed equality under the civil laws. Here are some highlights from Dresher's piece:
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While repeal would cause little harm, numerous critics have detailed both the financial and security costs of continuing DADT. There are psychological costs as well. . . . To avoid discharge under DADT, these young people engage in a series of mental and behavioral gymnastics. One cadet admits he learned "how to be a good actor." Another, tired of "hiding" her sexual identity, publicly resigned after two years at the Academy.
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"Acting" and "hiding," common ways of describing life in the closet, and are surface manifestations of the underlying psychology of maintaining secret identities for long periods of time. While gay people are not the only ones who hide secrets, the gay closet has unique features.
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Gay people often spend long periods of their lives unable to acknowledge their own homosexuality to themselves or to others. Beginning in childhood and throughout adolescence, being "tagged" as gay can lead to teasing, ridicule, family rejection and even violence. For aspiring young cadets, being gay means giving up dreams of a life of service to one's country. So they, like many gay people, treat their same-sex feelings as an unpleasant fact they would rather not know about themselves or admit to others. They keep those feelings out of awareness and separated from their public personas.
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The solution to one problem, however, creates others. Constant hiding takes its toll. It is painful to continuously hide important parts of the self or to always keep parts of the self separated from each other. As a way of hiding, they may choose to adopt public, heterosexual identities. This leads some closeted gay people to heterosexually marry yet lead secret homosexual lives.
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However, the mental effort needed to maintain a double life sometimes leads to errors in judgment and engaging in compromising situations, which may explain the parade of married, anti-gay public figures who have been arrested for public lewdness or outed by indiscreet male prostitutes.
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When hiding becomes too painful, some people come out. They do so even though the benefit of being a whole person risks exposure to the social stigma attached to homosexuality.
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Why come out? One ex-cadet who did said, "I have lied to my classmates and compromised my integrity and my identity by adhering to existing military policy. I am unwilling to suppress an entire portion of my identity any longer." The case for repealing "don't ask, don't tell" and choosing psychological unity could not be expressed any better.

An Understanding Straight Spouse - Jemma Thomas

Many times on this blog I have discussed to turmoil of coming out in mid-life after living in self-denial for years and years. But the turmoil extends not just to the gay spouse, but also to the straight spouse and other family members. As the gay spouse, it is difficult to ever adequately relate to the straight spouse that they did nothing wrong and that they were in fact loved. Indeed, in my view neither spouse did wrong. Rather, both found themselves caught as victims of differing degrees of the same societal and religious prejudice that forces the gay spouse to deny their true sexuality typically even to themselves. It is near impossible to describe how one knows in some sense that they are gay, yet they will not accept it and come up with all kinds of mental exercises to convince themselves that the - in their view - horrible truth is not in fact true. Reading the accounts of Gareth Thomas' decision to come out later in life after marriage, I could truly identify with the inner Hell he likely experienced. I can likewise understand the devastation his wife, Jemma Thomas (pictured above) felt. Like myself, I suspect Gareth Thomas married with the best of intentions. Unlike in my situation, his wife seems more able to forgive and understand than has been the case with my own divorce. Here are some highlights from a Daily Mail interview with Jemma Thomas and Gareth Thomas:

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Jemma Thomas cries when she remembers her wedding. It was, she says, the proudest, happiest, most perfect day of her life. Everything was magical about that sunny August afternoon in 2001 in the pretty South Wales town of St Brides Major; her first day as the wife of Wales rugby star and sporting legend Gareth Thomas. 'I absolutely adored Gareth with every bone in my body,' says Jemma, 33. 'As I said my vows, all I could think was: "He's mine, this wonderful, amazing man is all mine."' Or so Jemma believed at the time. For the truth was Gareth Thomas could never entirely be hers, no matter how much he loved her or desperately wanted to be.
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Gareth took his marriage vows keeping one devastating secret to himself; that he was gay - something he had, since the age of 17, tried to suppress and push into a dark corner, hoping the feelings would go away. In an exclusive interview in Saturday's Daily Mail, the former Wales and British Lions captain revealed publicly for the first time how he struggled for almost 20 years to come to terms with his true sexuality.
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'I was like a ticking bomb. I thought I could suppress it, keep it locked away in some dark corner of myself, but I couldn't. It was who I was and I just couldn't ignore it any more. It was like a tight knot in my stomach, always threatening to seep out,' said Gareth, who knew he was gay at the age of 17, but refused to accept it, convincing himself his love for Jemma would rid him of these feelings. 'I've been through all sorts of emotions, tears, anger and absolute despair. I used to hope that I would wake up one morning and all these feelings could be gone. I would pray to God: "I have Jemma, I love her, please take away these feelings."
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Jemma Thomas could be forgiven for hating her ex-husband for his deception. No one would blame her for feeling angry, bitter and humiliated by his betrayal. Least of all Gareth. Remarkably, she does not. Jemma was heartbroken when Gareth told her the truth in 2006, and three years later her heart remains broken. But she forgave him long ago. 'I still love Gareth and I will never stop loving him,' says Jemma, in her first interview since he publicly announced he was gay. 'What happened to us is just so terribly sad. He really was the perfect husband in every other way.
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'I'm incredibly proud of him for coming out and if anyone thinks any less of him because of it, then they are stupid. I know it was a massive relief when he told me, his family and close friends three years ago, and it will be even more of a relief now that everyone knows. 'It would be easy to wallow in self-pity and dwell on the negatives, but I am a positive person and I'm grateful that he loved me so much he had to tell me the truth because he felt I deserved better. 'He released me and in doing so he released himself.
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'And the saddest thing is we really did have the perfect marriage - apart from this grey corner which was secretly eating away at him. We never argued about anything, we just spent the whole time laughing and having fun. We had a great circle of friends.
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'If it had been another woman, I think I would have thrown myself off a cliff, because it would have destroyed every ounce of my selfesteem. But the fact he'd been with men, strangely almost didn't feel like cheating to me. 'This was who he was, something I could never have changed, something that was nothing to do with his feelings for me as a woman. 'I knew that whatever he had done had not been done with malice towards me and I could see how much he was suffering and how sorry he was for hurting me.
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'With Gareth coming out publicly and our divorce being finalised in the New Year, I feel a chapter is closing and, although I feel sad and wish it could be different, it's for the best. 'This is who Gareth is and it is something which cannot be changed, but it has been so hard coming to terms with that. It would be easy for me to think that if I hadn't married Gareth, I might have met and married someone else, but I don't regret a single day I spent as his wife.
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I send my best wishes to both Gareth and Jemma Thomas. I hope that her interview may help other straight spouses to come to terms with the loss of a spouse who never sought to hurt them in a malicious manner. I treasure my children more than they will ever know, but I wish I could have had them without hurting their mother or myself so much in the process.

Rugby Star Gareth Thomas Comes Out

The media and our enemies like to depict gay males as effeminate and unmanly. Indeed, when I was on the Cathy Lewis show earlier this month, one caller said he did not want to be associated with the "gay community" but preferred to refer to himself as homosexual because of the negative stereotype often associated with gay men. The reality, of course, for those us us deeply involved in the LGBT community know that gay males come in all shapes and sizes as do lesbians many of whom do not remotely fit the "butch dyke" stereotype. Thus, I applaud when individuals like rugby star Gareth Thomas (pictured above) come out because they definitely shatter the would be stereotype. Here are some highlights on Thomas' coming out via Sky News:
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Rugby star Gareth Thomas has said he hopes coming out publicly will "send a positive message" to the sport.The 35-year-old wants young gay people, particularly those with aspirations in sport, to be reassured after he became the first high-profile player to announce he is gay.
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The former British and Irish Lions and Wales captain, a supporter of the children's charity NSPCC, said: "If it makes one young lad pick up the phone to ChildLine, then it will have been worth it." Thomas said he became aware of his sexual orientation at the age of 16 or 17 but could not accept it and feared it would affect his playing career. He told the Daily Mail he was "anxious about people's reactions" but "just couldn't ignore it any more".
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The rugby star, Wales's most-capped player, said he realised in summer 2006 that he could no longer live a lie. He told his wife, Jemma, that he was gay and admitted cheating on her with male partners. Thomas, who plays for Cardiff Blues, said he felt like his life was "falling apart" as his four-year marriage broke down.
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The star recounted to the paper how he cried in the changing rooms of Cardiff's Millennium Stadium, after representing Wales in November 2006. He later came out to coach Scott Johnson, who advised he speak to a few of his international colleagues for support. Thomas said: "He told two of my team-mates, Stephen Jones and Martyn Williams, and as I sat in the bar waiting for them, I was absolutely terrified, wondering what they were going to say. "But they came in, patted me on the back and said: 'We don't care. Why didn't you tell us before?'
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I can commiserate with Thomas' experience in coming out after being married to a woman. I suspect he married for the best of intentions and not just to hide who he was. The pressure to conform to societal and religious expectations can be so powerful. As more people come out, one can only hope that fewer people will feel the need to try to be what they are not.

Alone in a Mess - The Quandary of a Gay Spouse Coming Out

Jim at Conflicting Clarity has a post with which I can very much identify. It looks at his quandary of knowing that he must come out, yet not wanting to totally destroy his relationship with his wife. I was once in that same place and, unfortunately, my wish that I remain on decent terms with my former wife was not realized as she decided to turn the split up into something viciousness, encouraged in that quest, I suspect, by her women friends some of whom had gone through divorces and also encouraged by some family members. For Jim, it's a very dark place and in my own case, I knew that I could not continue as I had for years. Yet, it was a terrifying place to be emotionally: the world and life I had known was collapsing and I had no clear image of what would replace it. Just darkness and uncertainly and often despair even though finally admitting that I was gay was unbelievably liberating in so many ways. In my case, that was eight (8) years ago. Jim is still at the center of the vortex and likely feels utterly bewildered. I believe that it WILL get better for him even though it may be darker still before things turn around. Here's how he describes his current state:

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I have been told it will worse before it gets better. Maybe that started yesterday. I am trying hard to explain to K about me. She is hung up on the fact that I am the one leaving. I am the one that no longer wants her. I am trying to get her to understand why I have to be who I am.
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One of the things I am trying to get K to understand is that I have reached a place where I don't really know who I am. I have pretended for close to 30 years to be someone totally different from who I really am, I no longer know that person. Each day I look in the mirror the face looking back at me look less and less familiar. More like a stranger.
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I need her to understand that this is not just be getting tired of her. It is me being honest for the first time in my life with her, with myself and with the world about who I really am. I think she will still be hurt and angry, but I also believe that if she can reason it out and understand this in not about blow jobs and more about shedding the false identity I have created for myself, I think it might be easier.
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I think that it's important that she understand, to the extent possible, how I have gotten us to the point in the road. I think if she can clearly understand it will be easier for us to decide together the right course of action. The right time to separate, while still being supportive of each other. Wish me luck.
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I sincerely hope that Jim is more successful than I was. Despite what the straight spouse may feel, it really is NOT about them in anyway. Moreover, there is nothing they can do to turn back time. Going back into the closet is not a viable option and if the straight spouse ever loved the gay spouse they would never ask that of them. In my case, I truly believe trying to stay in the closet would have guaranteed my ultimate suicide. Not that I have not made attempts along the way in my journey. I am blessed now with a wonderful man in my life and I am in the best relationship of my entire life because I am completely me and no longer some actor playing a scripted part written by others.

‘Family Ties’ Mom: ‘I am a Lesbian’

Some have reacted with a shrug to the coming out of Meredith Baxter at age 62. She hasn't been in the Hollywood lime light for years, but she is still well known to many and overall, I congratulate her on taking this action. The reality is that the more that we all come out, the more the lies and stereotypes are destroyed. Some have asked me how she could possibly not have known she was gay as she went through three marriages and had five children. My response is that one can go to great lengths to deny what they do not want to accept. I did it for decades and might well have stayed closeted but for a totally unplanned encounter a decade ago - you might say that "I kissed a boy and I liked it." And that unplanned encounter and the way it "felt right" for the first time made me have to face what I had never wanted to accept because of my religious background and upbringing in a conservative area. Younger readers may not recall that homosexuality was classified as a mental illness until 1973 (my third year of college) and the ever gay-hating Catholic Church was of course preaching that gays were going to go straight to Hell. I suspect that Meredith Baxter, especially being older than me, went through some similar type of denial for years as I did. Here are some highlights from MSNBC:
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For seven years, actress Meredith Baxter has been hiding a secret. Now Baxter, who played the devoted hippie mom constantly butting heads with her conservative kids on “Family Ties,” is making a public admission.
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“I am a lesbian and it was a later-in-life recognition,” she told Matt Lauer on TODAY. “Some people would say, well, you’re living a lie and, you know, the truth is — not at all. This has only been for the past seven years.” Baxter, 62, though anxious, decided to come out on national television after her sexuality became tabloid fodder. “I’ve always lived a very private life,” said the actress, who’s never even had a publicist. “To come out and disclose stuff is very antithetical to who I am.”
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The National Enquirer reported that Baxter was spotted last month aboard a Caribbean cruise sponsored by lesbian travel company Sweet, writing that she was seen “traveling with a female friend, and she seemed very relaxed and comfortable.”
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Baxter says that her relationship with men was complicated, and it took her decades to understand why. . . . “I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with, and it was that kind of awakening,” she said. “I never fought it because it was like, oh, I understand why I had the issues I had early in life. I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships.”
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Both Baxter’s former on-screen family and her real family have known about her sexuality, though she was initially nervous about telling her five children. “I said, ‘I think I’m gay,’ and my oldest boy said, ‘I knew,’ ” Baxter laughed. “The support from my family and anyone close to me has been so immediate and unqualified. I’ve really been blessed.”
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Now that she is coming out, she also sees herself as an advocate for gay rights. “This is a political act, even though that’s not what it feels like to me,” she said. “If anyone knows someone who’s gay or lesbian … they’re less likely to vote against them to take away their rights. I can be that lesbian you know now …”