Suicide: A Public Health Crisis

The suicide deaths of designer Kate Spade and the celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain have at least temporarily - the American media has the attention span of a gnat - focused attention on the growing suicide rate in America which, like so many other things (e.g., gun violence) exceeds that of other advanced nations. Having made two serious attempts myself over a decade ago, it's a topic I am familiar with and on which I have strong opinions as to the causation.  While treatment for depression is much more common, much of what is available simply doesn't work, plus there is the impediment of the social stigma than many still hold towards seeking treatment, especially among men.  Like so much in American medicine, the most common approach seems to be simply prescribing drugs to mask the situation rather than deal with underlying causation. Feeling like one's body is not fully one's own and being drugged up is not a satisfactory long term solution.  Getting to the underlying causation, however, means extended therapy and counseling sessions - things for which most American health insurance plans  provide paltry coverage.  Thus, unless one has the ability to pay out of pocket, long term therapy simply doesn't happen in all too many cases.   The consequences can be literally deadly.  A piece in the New York Times looks at the growing public health crisis.  Here are excerpts:

Treatment for chronic depression and anxiety — often the precursors to suicide — has never been more available and more widespread. Yet the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week reported a steady, stubborn rise in the national suicide rate, up 25 percent since 1999.

The rates have been climbing each year across most age and ethnic groups. Suicide is now the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Nearly 45,000 Americans killed themselves in 2016, twice the number who died by homicide.

After decades of research, effective prevention strategies are lacking. It remains difficult, perhaps impossible, to predict who will commit suicide, and the phenomenon is extremely difficult for researchers to study.

One of the few proven interventions is unpalatable to wide swaths of the American public: reduced access to guns. The C.D.C. report found that the states where rates rose most sharply were those, like Montana and Oklahoma, where gun ownership is more common.  It is predominantly men who use guns to commit suicide, and men are much less likely to seek help than women.

The escalating suicide rate is a profound indictment of the country’s mental health system. Most people who kill themselves have identifiable psychiatric symptoms, even if they never get an official diagnosis.

The number of people taking an open-ended prescription for an antidepressant is at a historic high. More than 15 million Americans have been on the drugs for more than five years, a rate that has more than tripled since 2000.

[O]ne recent study, by Danish researchers, supported the benefits of therapeutic intervention.  Using detailed medical records, the investigators studied more than 5,500 people who had been treated for deliberate self-harm, including cutting and clear suicide attempts.

Over decades, the portion of those people who got psychotherapy at suicide clinics were about 30 percent less likely to die or commit further self-harm than those who did not.  “I personally think that it’s the quality of care that matters, not the quantity,” Dr. Insel said. “We need more access, better measures and better quality of care.”

But in this country, many of those who commit suicide have received little or no professional help. Indeed, they rarely tell anyone beforehand of their plan — when there is one. Often the act is impulsive. . . . . the wide majority of people who die by suicide “explicitly deny suicidal thoughts or intentions in their last communications before dying.”

Andrew Spade, Ms. Spade’s husband, said she had seemed fine when he’d talked to her just before her suicide. Mr. Bourdain was filming one of his clever, humorous shows in Strasbourg, France, when his body was discovered.

The rise of suicide turns a dark mirror on modern American society: its racing, fractured culture; its flimsy mental health system; and the desperation of so many individual souls, hidden behind the waves of smiling social media photos and cute emoticons.

More recently, the economists Anne Case and Angus Deaton of Princeton have argued that the hollowing out of the economy and loss of middle and working class supports, like unions, have contributed to a broad increase in self-reported pain in those groups, both mental and physical.

The aggressive marketing of opioids by Purdue Pharma and others eased some of that pain — and helped create a generation of addicts, tens of thousands of whom die each year. Opioids are the third most common drugs found in the systems of suicides, after alcohol and anti-anxiety medications like Xanax, the C.D.C. reported.

A decline in marriage rates has likely played a role, as well. In her research, Dr. Phillips has found that in 2005 single middle-aged women were as much as 2.8 times more likely to kill themselves than married women, and their single male peers 3.5 times more likely than married men to do the same.

“In contrast to homicide and traffic safety and other public health issues, there’s no one accountable, no one whose job it is to prevent these deaths — no one who gets fired if these numbers go from 45,000 to 50,000,” Dr. Insel said.  “It’s shameful. We would never tolerate that in other areas of public health and medicine.”  

With Trump and Republicans dismantling heath care coverage, quality treatment will likely decline and, most likely, the death toll will increase.  Not that Trump or the GOP give a damn about ordinary citizens. 

If you are having thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or go to SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for a list of additional resources.

Anti-Gay Catholic Activist Michael Voris Confesses Gay Past

Having been raised Roman Catholic, in my view few things screw one up more emotionally and psychologically - especially if one is LGBT.  When I first came out, it took a year and a half seeing a psychologist who was also a Presbyterian minister to make the initial step of letting go all of the damage done to me by my Catholic upbringing.  Even after that, it took more counseling to finally find self-acceptance.  Sadly, some never overcome the poison from their psychologically twisted Catholic upbringing (other denominations - e.g., Southern Baptists - can likewise mess one up in a major way).  Worse yet, others find that by clinging to such batshitery, they can make a living and seemingly care nothing about the harm that they do to others by peddling misogyny.  The "ex-gays for pay" crowd are but one example of this phenomenon.  Blogger friend Joe Jervis reports on another psychologically afflicted individual who seemingly cannot let go of the poison of his Catholic upbringing: Michael Voris of Church Militant, an ultra-right wing Catholic site.  It turns out that Voris is gay - despite protestations that he has returned to the Church - and has unloaded a lot of bullshit about his past.  Here are some highlights:

Thanks in part to pressure from virulently anti-gay and comically bewigged Catholic activist Michael Voris, last week the Catholic Church fired its news service editor for tweeting against North Carolina’s hate law. Yesterday Voris posted a video on his website, Church Militant, in which he confesses that for most his thirties, he lived a sexually sinful life of “live-in relationships with homosexual men.” Voris claims that he makes this revelation because the New York Archdiocese has been plotting to out him over his past. From the transcript for the video:

I will now reveal that for most of my years in my thirties, confused about my own sexuality, I lived a life of live-in relationships with homosexual men. From the outside, I lived the lifestyle and contributed to scandal in addition to the sexual sins. On the inside, I was deeply conflicted about all of it. In a large portion of my twenties, I also had frequent sexual liaisons with both adult men and adult women. These are the sins of my past life in this area which are all now publicly admitted and owned by me. That was before my reversion to the Faith.

I had great pain to overcome from childhood and my youth and instead of recommending myself to God in my youth, I gave in to the flesh and died spiritually. I shudder every time I think what would now be my lot had I died in a traffic accident or something. I gave up myself — my masculinity, my identity, my self-understanding, my own dignity as a baptized Catholic.

The sad truth is that Voris has not overcome the pain and damage of his childhood and youth.  If he had, he would not be wallowing in the anti-sex batshitery that is the Church's stock in trade.  Joe continues with this:

Back in 2010 I posted several times about Voris, his attacks on President Obama, on LGBT rights, and his call for a “benevolent Catholic dictatorship in the United States.”  These posts prompted a JMG reader to write and tell me that he’d once been close friends with Voris, who, according to the reader, had been a producer at the CBS affiliate in Detroit.

From the reader’s email: “It really pains me to see Mike spitting this vitriol into the public, and it also pains me to see a guy who was once a deep and close friend be the subject of ridicule and derision. But I also recognize that he’s brought this upon himself. Until he can face his own demons, he’ll only be able to demonize that which scares him.”

During my 2010 exchange of emails with the above-quoted JMG reader, he asked that he not be named should I report on his account of Voris’ past. As I was unable to independently confirm that Voris had, as Voris himself now puts it, once lived a sexually sinful life, I decided against outing him based on an anonymous claim. That issue, obviously, is now moot. At this writing, nearly 1400 Church Militant commenters have effusively praised Voris for his revelation.

1400 psychologically and emotionally damaged commenters who, like Voris, cannot let go of the brainwashing they received growing up.  I would further add this: does Voris believe this crap or has he cynically decided that embracing such dysfunction is an easy way to make money?

A Lifeline For Older Men Coming Out

When I began my coming out journey, I spent literally years in therapy.  First, I had to shed the religious brainwashing, shame and guilt inculcated into me by my Catholic upbringing.  After that bridge had been crossed, my nest stage was to figure out how to live a fulfilling life as a gay man.  My therapist were a life line for me and they pushed and forced me to find inner strength and to let go of so much old baggage.  Despite this help, there was a lack of books and other resources aimed at those coming out in mid-life.  In fact, my last therapist said repeatedly that I should write a book for those coming out later in life.  He said a friend of his was writing a blog as a method to accumulate material for his upcoming book.  He suggested that I should do the same.  Thus, Michael-in-Norfolk- Coming Out in Mid-Life was born.  Eight years later, I still have not written the book, but I have tied to share my trials and tribulations along the way as I have made my journey.  I remain more than happy to communicate with those seeking advice or shared experiences via e-mail and/or telephone calls. A piece in Huffington Post looks at a new book that tries to help fill the void I found in terms of resources.  Here are review highlights:

When my therapist, Adam asked me who I could talk to about coming out, I pointed at him. "Of course," he said "But, what I meant, was a friend or a family member." I looked up as if the answer might have been written on the ceiling. Not finding it there, I looked down at my shoes, shifted uncomfortably in my chair and then said "No one." At forty-three years of age, nobody really knew who I was. I was alone.

I was a father, a husband, a son, a brother and an IT Director. I had friends, but none of them close. When you're in the closet, you worry that every word, glance or gesture might give your secret away. How could I have developed an authentic relationship?

The closet seems like a vestige from a darker time. Many young LGBT people never experienced the repression, but there is an older generation of men who closed the door decades ago and now find themselves transported through time, tentatively stepping out into a terrifying, exciting and puzzling world. They often feel alone.

If you are coming out late, you are not alone.  Fashionably Late: Gay, Bi, and Trans Men Who Came Out Later in Life is a collection of stories that sheds light on a large and largely overlooked segment of the LGBT+ community. The anthology offers affirmation to older men coming out of the closet. I am honored to have an essay included.

I had the opportunity to speak with Vinnie Kinsella, the publisher and editor from Eldredge Books, who created this anthology. 

Q: What prompted you to create this book?  KINSELLA: The biggest prompt for me was the surprising growth of the meetup group I started for men who came out later in life: . . . I expected maybe twelve men in my city would ever join. When we exceeded a hundred members in just a few months, I was floored. I had no idea there were that many men in my city who identified as coming out later in life.

Q: How do you think this book will help LGBT men?  KINSELLA: My hope is that the book will be a strong tool for combating shame. What I hear from a lot of men coming out is a lot of shame for what they didn't do. Shame for not being honest with friends and family about their sexuality of gender identity. Shame for letting fear keep them from living an authentic life. I think this book combats shame by sending the message of, "Don't beat yourself up for coming out a bit later than the norm. Celebrate the fact that you came out at all!"

Q: Is there a void in the market for this type of book or these stories?   KINSELLA: Yes. When I looked for books that could help me early on in my coming out, I found that most of the resources for coming out are youth-focused. I think the belief is that coming out as an adult is rare, but that's simply not true. The culture is so different today from what it was thirty or forty years ago. For Baby Boomers and older Gen Xers, the support system for youth coming out wasn't like it is today, so many men from that era stayed in the closet. . . . That's the void this book fills. It's not a how-to guide. It's more like an "It's Gets Better" campaign for men.

Q: Do you expect this book to help the families of LGBT men? KINSELLA: Indirectly, yes. It will offer insight into what goes on in the mind of a man coming out, which can helpful for spouses, kids, grandkids, and others who have lots of questions about what might have prompted their relative to come out.

As Kinsella notes, there are LOTS of us who have come out or who are in the process of coming out later in life.   We all need to help and support one another.

The Toxicity of Internalized Homophobia

I've written on the topic of internalized homophobia and how it is soul destroying - it took me years of therapy, two failed suicide attempts, and years living out and authentically to get over the poison I had learned growing up - which is just what the Christofascists want.  They care nothing about the lives that are damaged (and sometimes lost to suicide) since their sole agenda is to stamp out anything that calls into question their myth and fairy tale based world view or impedes their ability to feel superior to others.  As LGBT individuals (or as LGBT straight allies), our task is to unlearn the untruths that church, family and society have indoctrinated into us.   If there is a God - something I question often given how evil his self-proclaimed followers are - he/she/it made each us as we are.  A piece in Gay News Network out of Australia looks at the struggle all of us face in letting go of internalized homophobia.  Here are excerpts:

It lurks, often imperceptibly, as an emotional backdrop in the lives of LGBTI people – and for this reason, it often remains unexamined. Unidentified even. It acts as our internal editor, vetting and judging our behaviours and mannerisms and it holds us back from truly loving ourselves for who we are.

I’m talking about internalised phobia. And just like the external variety LGBTI people face from others in the broader community, it can eat away at our self-esteem.

I would venture that there is no such thing as an LGBTI person who has not, at some point, struggled with an internalisation of the negative external judgments of our gender identity or sexual orientation. And it’s an understandable reaction.

From day one we’ve been socially conditioned by a society that privileges heterosexuality and cis-genderism, to the exclusion of all other ways of being. We’ve been sold a narrative by parents, teachers, peers, religious and political leaders and the media, which renders us invisible. And not only does the dominant culture fail to see us, it actively ostracises us.

Now tell me: What 13-year-old has the strength and self-conviction to stand against such a tidal wave of cultural proscription and state: “You’re all wrong, I’m happy just the way I am.”?

This is more often a sentiment that comes a good few years down the track, after considerable personal development. In short, it’s almost impossible for us to avoid our internal self-concept being informed by the external forces of homo/bi/transphobia.

Just like external bigotry, our internalised phobias can manifest in subtle ways: Reluctance to associate with other LGBTI people, feeling disgusted by expressions of same-sex affection or sexuality, disapproval of butch women or femme men, or refusal to show affection with a same-sex partner in public. In the extreme, internalised phobia can lead to self-harm and suicidality.

Working through feelings of internalised judgment with a counsellor who is experienced in such matters can be one way to gradually examine the distorted views of our sexuality or gender, that have been written into our evolving self-concept. In time, and with patience, it is possible for us to rewrite the internal narratives, freeing us to truly be the authors of proud new chapters in our story.

Letting go of  internalized homophobia is very, very hard.  I even know married gay couples who haven't fully let go of it as they avoid socializing with many other gays, especially those not "straight acting."  In the process, of course, they miss out of knowing and coming to love some very wonderful people.

America's Mental Health Crisis; Creigh Deeds on "60 Minutes"

While I supported him against the now disgraced Bob "Taliban Bob" McDonnell, Creigh Deeds was a terrible candidate when he ran for governor of Virginia in 2009.  That said, his appearance on 60 Minutes this evening was incredibly powerful and helped to expose the disgraceful state of mental health care in America.  His scared face and deep emotion was so very, very moving. The lack of mental health care is literally a national embarrassment.  But it is especially relevant to members of the LGBT community struggling to deal with the harm done by anti-gay bigotry and the family rejection that some of us are faced with.  A clip from the show is posted above and well worth watching.

When I came out and struggled to overcome religious based internalized homophobia and societal condemnation, access to competent and supportive therapists was crucial.  Yet even with good medical insurance, coverage for mental health therapy was greatly limited and significant out of pocket costs were part of receiving the assistance I needed.  One can only hope that the nightmare that Creigh Deeds experienced and his personal testimony will push the Virginia General Assembly to do the right thing and (i) allocate more money for mental health care and (ii) force insurers to afford increased coverage for this much needed  segment of health care.

A sincere thank you to Creigh Deeds for speaking out so that the tragedy that happened to his son and his family hopefully does not happen to anyone else! 

An Inexplicable Gay Suicide

We read time and time again about gay teens who end their lives prematurely due to relentless bullying and other factors that no one will likely ever know. Thus, it's unnerving to read about the suicide of a financially successful member of the LGBT community who had outwardly seemed to come to terms with living in a still very homophobic society and by reports was a personification of the "It Gets Better" story line. The New York Times has such a story today. Having attempted suicide twice myself in the past and ended up hospitalized as a result, I do understand all too well the feeling that forces are out of one's control and the desire to just stop the pain can take control and trump everything else. And getting older - I will hit a major age benchmark in August, so I speak with knowledge - and realizing that so many of your dreams of your youth will never come to be can also be a depressing phenomenon - especially for those of us who tend to be perfectionists.

While I don't claim to know what motivated Bob Bergeron to take his own life, I do believe that gays have a far more burdensome existence where we are forced to justify our own humanity and worth in ways that the heterosexual world will never know. Like it or not, the religious culture in America remains overwhelmingly toxic towards LGBT individuals who see themselves as a group denigrated daily and described in the foulest of ways by the "godly Christian" crowd. Even if one's family doesn't reject you, some level of damage is done nonetheless. And that damage is done deliberately by those like the folks at the National Organization for Marriage, Family Research Council, and even the Vatican. Devout Mormons and Christians don't like have their responsibility cited - as I found from a nasty e-mail attacking me for a recent post on a gay Mormon suicide - but the fact that the truth hurts doesn't make it any less the truth.

Here are some excerpts from the New York Times on Bergeron's tragic and still inexplicable suicide:

Over the last decade, he built a thriving private practice, treating well-to-do gay men for everything from anxiety to coping with H.I.V. Mr. Bergeron had also begun work as a motivational speaker, giving talks at gay and lesbian centers in Los Angeles and Chicago. In February, Magnus Books, a publisher specializing in gay literature, was scheduled to print a self-help guide he had written, “The Right Side of Forty: The Complete Guide to Happiness for Gay Men at Midlife and Beyond.”

It was a topic he knew something about. Having come out as gay in the mid-1980s, Mr. Bergeron, 49, had witnessed the worst years of the AIDS epidemic and emerged on the other side. He had also seen how few public examples there were of gay men growing older gracefully.

He resolved to rewrite the script, and provide a toolbox for better living. “I’ve got a concise picture of what being over 40 is about and it’s a great perspective filled with happiness, feeling sexy, possessing comfort relating to other men and taking good care of ourselves,” Mr. Bergeron said on his Web site. “This picture will get you results that flourish long-term.”

But right around New Year’s Eve, something went horribly wrong. On Jan. 5, Mr. Bergeron was found dead in his apartment, the result of a suicide that has left his family, his friends and his clients shocked and heartbroken as they attempt to figure out how he could have been so helpful to others and so unable to find help himself.

But there is something particularly resonant about Mr. Bergeron’s tale. Here was a man who ended his life at the exact moment he seemed to be nearing a professional peak, one that involved the upbeat story of a mature gay man facing the second half of his life with enthusiasm, hope and an endless array of tight T-shirts.

“We sell this idea that 60 is the new 40, but it’s just lying,” said Dr. Frank Spinelli, an internist in Chelsea who referred numerous patients to Mr. Bergeron. “We tell children there’s Santa Claus, and then they get older, and learn better. I can’t even begin to imagine what Bob was going through.”

Though some of his friends, Mr. Rappaport among them, wondered whether drugs were involved, leading to a crash Mr. Bergeron did not anticipate, the suicide seemed to have been carried out with methodical precision. On an island in the kitchen, Mr. Bergeron had meticulously laid out his papers. There was a pile of folders with detailed instructions on top about whom to call regarding his finances and his mortgage. Across from that he placed the title page of his book, on which he also wrote his suicide note. In it he told Mr. Sackheim and Mr. Rappaport that he loved them and his family, but that he was “done.”

As his father remembered it, Mr. Bergeron also wrote, “It’s a lie based on bad information.”An arrow pointed up to the name of the book. The inference was clear. As Mr. Bergeron saw it at the end of his life, the only right side of 40 was the side that came before it.

I hope Bergeron finds the peace that seems to have eluded him. Perhaps he feared not living up to his own standard. Perhaps he feared disappointing - failing, if you will - his patients and readers. Even writing this small blog, I at times feel I cannot fail readers. For the rest of us, we need to be vigilant in watching out for one another and keep up the fight against the anti-gay hate and bigotry that remain so rampant in America.

Coming Out - Ten Yars Later - Further Thoughts

My post on this blog and on the Bilerico Project generated some powerful responses, most in the form of direct e-mails from those struggling as I once did to survive the coming out journey and to escape what often seemed like a black tunnel with no exit and no ray of sunlight in the distance. I have tried to offer words of encouragement and I hope that those who wrote to me will keep up the good fight.

I wish that I could promise happiness and full self-acceptance overnight, but sadly, it doesn't seem to work that way. Building a new life takes hard work - especially if one has been married and sees their entire former world crumbling with nothing immediately at hand to replace it. I hope that those I heard from will not succumb to depression and that they will continue to strive to move forward. Having reached the point I am at in terms of self-acceptance and feeling good about being gay, I would never go back into the closet. I just could not do it. For those still struggling, I hope you will find good therapists and work to build support networks and social networks. For those in cities that have gay and gay friendly chambers of commerce affiliated with the NGLCC, check them out. Many have individual memberships and they can be a great way to meet the types of people needed to rebuild your life. I also recommend getting involved with volunteer work. Will it take you outside of your comfort zone? Most likely, but you need to see it as a stepping stone toward your ultimate goal.

Hang in there all of you - it does get better.

Coming Out - Ten Years Later

This blog began as a form of therapy for me and a means to share my coming out journey with others in the hope that it might help others to avoid my missteps and to help others know that they are not alone no matter how alone they may feel in darker moments.

That said, today to the best of my calculation marks the tenth anniversary of the day I first came out to my former wife. Prior to that date I had struggled for the better part of thirty nine (39) years trying to convince myself that what I knew in my heart about my sexual orientation was not really true. As part of that internal mental contortion process, as long time readers know, I married and fathered three children> In addition, I tried to be everything that church and society told me I should be. Over time, however, it all began to fall apart and I came to realize that I just could not continue to live my life as an actor on a stage if you will. I had to either to do something about my situation and “come out” or kill myself. I chose the former, unwittingly almost on National Coming Out Day.

So very much has changed since that fateful day a decade ago, not the least of which is that I have achieved a level of self-acceptance that had previously eluded me all my life. That’s not to say that such self-acceptance and inner peace with who I am came easily or overnight. I first had to overcome a sense of shame about being gay and a sense of failure that I had not been able to keep up the role playing and had thereby failed my children. In addition, I had to rebuild a future even as my world as I had known it crashed and disintegrated all around me. And along that path I seriously flirted with suicide when my sense of failure and an unknown future overwhelmed me.

Contributing to the sometimes nightmare like journey, I also had to deal with being forced from my law firm for being gay and a nasty and contentious divorce. Coming out is likely never an easy process, but coming out later in life definitely entails additional challenges both in terms of one’s former spouse and one’s children. Is the ordeal worth it? I say without reservation that, yes, it is. It’s impossible to put a price on one’s soul and self-acceptance. And to me, remaining in the closet is a form of selling one’s soul. How did I survive the process? Here are a few highlights.

First, I will readily admit that without the efforts of two wonderful therapists I would perhaps never overcome the sense of shame and failure and made it through the coming out process. One, an ordained minister, helped me rid myself of shame and the brainwashing/psychological abuse of the religious tradition in which I had been raised. Leaving that faith tradition for one more accepting of LGBT individuals also played an important role in the process. Remaining in a church setting that denigrates you constantly is extremely unhealthy. The other therapist played the much needed role of someone who could be objective when I was unable to be objective and who could help me to believe that I did indeed have a future (even if the details were not yet known). The particularly unwavering support and love of one of my children also played a critical role.

When I came initially came out I had a picture in my mind’s eye of what I wanted: a committed monogamous relationship with a wonderful man with whom I could be complete emotionally and in terms of my sexual orientation. The difficult part for me was to find a way to believe that what I envisioned and longed for would actually happen in time, particularly since when I came out, I knew virtually no one in the local LGBT community. Too often during my darkest days – and I had many of them - I saw the future as a black empty screen. It was very hard at times to remain positive and making the coming out journey was arduous.

But the longer term reality is that I did achieve my vision. I am happily partnered with one of the sweetest individuals that I have ever known. Like all couples we have our differences and frictions, but overall, he is everything that I wanted. And I have a great relationship with my children even though things were difficult at times during the contentious divorce. The lesson in hindsight is to be patient – not my strongest suit – and to believe in yourself and that you DO have a positive future. It is also important to realize that building a new life takes concerted effort and that you have to take the initiative to make things happen. Getting involved in the LGBT community and LGBT activism was a life saver for me and it truly allowed me to rebuild my social world and helped my law practice in the process.

For those coming out tomorrow and in the future, remember that you CAN survive and find happiness. It will involve hard work and rejection by some, but it IS worth it. It's terrifying at times but so wonderful to finally live one's life as it was meant to be lived.

Gay Parenting - The Pain, the Joy and the Pride

I know that a number of my readers were married like I was and that the coming out and divorce process is horrific in many cases to say the least. One of the most painful aspects emotionally is the distance that can develop with one's children and the all too easily embraced feeling that one has failed them as a parent. I certainly experienced much of this myself.

*

The good news is that time is on the side of the gay parent. My therapist and others stated this repeatedly to me during some of my darkest days and it turned out to be true. I have a wonderful relationship now with my youngest daughter - pictured here giving a wedding toast - and I am also back in communication and better terms with my other two children. I view the three of them as the most successful aspect of my entire life. I sincerely hope that others who are currently experiencing very dark times will hang onto the knowledge that it does get better. Perhaps not as quickly as we would like, but again, time is on your side. I urge each of you currently feeling lost and thinking that all is over to take a deep breath, step back, and try to be patient.

Three Year Anniversary Retrospective

Yesterday was the three year anniversary of the day that I began seriously blogging on a regular basis and talking about my own coming out story and whatever else struck my mind on this blog. A lot has happened in that period - my divorce finally became final, I managed to survive a series of court hearings before typically homophobic judges - one even opined in writing that sexual orientation is a choice - a suicide attempt, the launch of HRBOR, the end of one relationship and the beginning of a new and wondrous one, the law firm has managed to survive so far despite the horrific economy, I attended the LGBT Blogger Summit in December 2008 and the National Equality March last October, the boyfriend and I have lived through the flooding of our home last November 12th and the repair and renovation saga (which hopefully will be over next week), I was initiated to Key West, I became a contributor to The Bilerico Project, my youngest daughter began working for me at the firm, and I followed my son's progress on the Appalachian Trail. The list goes on and on. Through it all, this blog and my readers have been a source of therapy and support beyond measure. I want to thank every one of my almost 170,000 visitors and hope you will continue to stay with me on the journey.
*

I also want to thank the boyfriend for his support and understanding of my blogging. He calls this blog his only serious competitor. Blogging takes a part of each morning and an hour or more each evening, yet he supports my efforts and the blog has introduced both of us to interesting people and experiences. Thank you to all of you.

Friday Morning This and That

The greater Norfolk region is in freak out mode. Why? There is a forecast that the area could receive up to a foot of snow starting after midnight tonight. Meanwhile, the boyfriend and I are supposed to be headed to Charlottesville to spend the weekend with my mother who is recovering from her recent stroke. Luckily, the forecast for that area is only light snow. I want to see my Mom, keep her company, and most importantly get a handle on what is going on with her medically on in person. Obviously, with the current weather forecast, we will take the boyfriend's Ford Expedition that typically is used to hall supplies for the Salon or in instances where we have too many people to fit comfortably in the other vehicles. It's a tank and four wheel drive, so hopefully the trip will be uneventful.
*
I am seeking my therapist this morning. With the new calendar year, I have a new deductible to overcome, so it's likely that Ill be dropping out of therapy and going off the meds once the current prescriptions run out since I am still trying to pay off the one from last year. Welcome to America where - unlike other advanced nations - the health of citizens means nothing, particularly those on the far right, many of whom claim to be Christian. It is a truly f*cked up value system where the never ending quest lower taxes trump health care even for children. WWJD?
*

Having my daughter working for me continues to be a joy even as I continue to hear nothing from my other two children. She is smart, a very fast typist, and seems to be catching on quickly as my office manager teachers her some of the bookkeeping chores and other administrative tasks. She has struck up a fast friendship with a young gay friend who helps us out from time to time covering the phones and doing document preparation, as well as working for another attorney subletting office space from me. Of my children, she is the only one who has a window into my world, sees my LGBT friends and clients and sees the burdens of running a small law firm in the current economy. She remains a true treasure.

Coming Out Later in Life: Complex But Not Unusual

We attended a holiday party last night hosted by a gay couple, each of whom had been previously married to women and each of whom had one or more children. In fact, I know many guys - and women too - who married and finally figured out later in life that they were not heterosexual and their marriages ended. Sadly, the majority had nasty divorces and few remain on good terms with the former spouses. One of the hosts who is certainly NOT the norm says he and his former wife are still friends. Something I would have preferred myself, but which did not come to pass not of my choice. CNN has a story that looks at this trend of people coming out later in life - something I suspect we we see more and more as people realize that "ex-gay" programs are bogus snake oil and that sexual orientation is pretty much set at birth despite however much one may try to deny it to themselves and the rest of the world. As the CNN article notes, coming out in mid-life is a complex process but truly not all that unusual - even though during the process one may feel as if no one else has ever experienced the difficult journey. It is important to understand that many have made the journey and that you are not some lone freak. Here are some highlights:

*
Marrying someone of the opposite sex, but coming out as gay or lesbian later in life is not uncommon, therapists say. A prominent example is actress Meredith Baxter, 62, who had been married to men three times but recently announced that she has been dating women for the past seven years. The thought of being gay "had never crossed my mind," before seven years ago, she told People magazine earlier this month.
*
Women, more often than men, report having these awakenings later in life, said Chris Kraft, clinical director at the Johns Hopkins Sexual Behaviors Consultation Unit. Males who decide to adopt a gay lifestyle late in adulthood generally have known about their orientation since their school years but do not want to risk telling others, he said.
*
It's hard to say what it means to "not know" that you are gay until late in adulthood, said Gail Wyatt, sex therapist and professor at the University of California, Los Angeles. But she and Kraft both know of people who simply did not know how to interpret their feelings of attraction for many years.
*
Generally, sexual orientation becomes apparent to a person in adolescence, and to boys slightly earlier than girls, experts say. But sometimes the feelings of arousal and excitement that come from members of the same sex, even from casual sexual encounters, may feel more like "risk taking," and don't prompt a person to embrace a new sexual identity, Wyatt said. "They may have kids and families, a life that they would have to change, and many people don't want to have to make that kind of change," she said.
*
Science has not homed in on a single cause for homosexuality, but research has found various genetic associations in males. Studies have found that having older brothers increases a man's likelihood of being gay, as well as that the arrangement of a mother's genes could impact whether her son is gay. A study on identical male twins found that if one twin was gay, the other had a 50 percent likelihood of also being gay.
*
Divorce isn't always the solution for gays, lesbians, bisexuals and the transgendered who are in heterosexual marriages, therapists said. Some couples choose to stay together because they don't want to disrupt their children's lives. But others separate and successfully begin new lives, Kraft said.
*
For someone who has decided to date members of the same gender, there's a whole process of socialization that has to be learned -- a lot of people don't know how to establish a same-sex relationship, Wyatt said. "Just like the first date, the first kiss -- it's still a first," she said. "There is learning that has to take place, and certainly learning in a safe way so that disease does not get transmitted, so that people get tested, all of those things have to come into any kind of relationship today."
*

One of the other party attendees has come out fairly recently and is going through a divorce nightmare and - as the article notes - is experiencing the whole new socialization process in transitioning to a different life. It truly takes time and one needs to have patience and realize that getting to where they want to be, especially if it involves a special committed relationship, takes work and does not happen overnight. n understanding therapist is a must and if you are not happy with the first one or two you see, keep on looking for that right fit.

Random Thoughts on Life Out of the Closet and Therapy

While I nervously await updated election results on Question 1 in Maine and results from Washington State and the Referendum 71 effort to repeal same sex domestic partnership rights, I figured it was a good time to reflect on my personal saga and further update readers after a very serious meltdown back in late September that resulted in a TDO - something I never want to experience again. As I mentioned over the weekend, I've been on new meds for roughly a month and I saw my new therapist and psychiatrist yesterday and today. I believe that things are moving in a positive direction. As I have stated before, I believe that therapy is a must for anyone making the transition from the closet - or undergoing the consequences of homophobic judges who continue to believe the discredited "choice myth" disseminated by anti-gay Christianist organizations.

*

When it comes to finding the right providers and/or coming to feel comfortable with new providers, it is important to remember that achieving a new comfort zone does not happen over night. And, if you do not feel the right fit with providers, it is critical that you try someone else. If it doesn't feel right, do not do it. That said, I think I am going to be happy with the new therapist and psychiatrist both of whom are not locals and come from much more enlightened and liberal areas. Indeed, both are still suffering culture shock and are shocked by the open racism and homophobia in this area. While my past providers have been male and it is a bit of an adjustment to be working with women - not that gay guys and straight women do not work well together.

*

Bottom line, coming out in mid-life is not easy - not that coming out is ever truly easy in our current society - and it is important to not expect the process/transition to happen over night. One also needs to accept the fact that there may/will be set backs from time to time. To readers in situations comparable to my own, my message to you is to "hang in there." As for bouts of depression, a reader in California sent me an e-mail that I found very profound. Here are highlights:

*

A really interesting insight came in my years of counseling. This doctor talked about "the dignity of depression." I could hardly believe my ears, and asked him about it many times. He suggested that a person who can feel deep depression (pain) also has the capacity to feel great joy. The depression is a measure of passion, and passion is good! If you can have negative passion, you can also have positive passion. On the other hand, some people who seem to be "okay" really have very little passion, either way. They don't feel deeply sad or very, very happy... they just go along, with a narrow range of feeling. He spoke about the dignity of having great passion. I could hardly believe him, but I've come to know it's true.

*

I can honestly say that if the choice is between going through life semi-numb emotionally or having depression as well as great passion, I will take passion any day.

Nearly Half of Gays in Therapy

The Advocate has a story with statistics that I do not find at all surprising given the constant anti-gay message disseminated by so many religious denominations and the fear many of us have on the employment front for lack of employment non-discrimination laws - gays and lesbians get mental health treatment at twice the rate of heterosexuals. Constant dehumanization, being told that one is doomed to go to Hell, and fears of family rejection take a significant toll. In my own case, therapy helped me overcome decades of religious poison. Once I had put that issue behind me, therapy also helped me begin to move on with my life and accept my sexual orientation. For readers who are in the closet and who have not tried therapy, I strongly recommend it regardless of whether you decide to come out. I continue to rely on therapy and medication to help me get through the nastiness of the post divorce wars and push back suicidal thoughts when I find myself subjected to Virginia's anti-gay legal system. Here are highlights from the Advocate story:

*

Gays and lesbians get mental health treatment at twice the rate of heterosexuals, a new study concludes. The group least likely to seek treatment? Heterosexual men. . . . . 48% of lesbian, gay, and bisexual men and women have received treatment in the past year, compared to 22% of straight people.

*
"The pervasive and historically rooted societal pathologizing of homosexuality may contribute to this propensity for treatment by construing homosexuality and issues associated with it as mental health problems," said Susan Cochran, professor of epidemiology at the UCLA School of Public Health and one of the study's authors.

*

Many LGBT individuals do not have diagnosable disorders but seek treatment for psychological distress, the report shows. The study also found that ethnic and racial minorities are less likely to use mental health services. The study was published today in the journal BMC Psychiatry.

*

I believe that only when (1) the spiritual murder that so many religious denominations inflict on LGBT individuals truly ends and (2) LGBT citizens secure equality under the civil laws will we see a significant change in the higher rate of therapy among the LGBT community. Being relentlessly stigmatized takes a significant toll.

Divorce Wars - Part 3

I will not be doing my usual posting tomorrow/this morning because I need to leave early for yet another show cause hearing brought by the former wife (and in my opinion her unethical attorney) in her apparent quest to either drive me to suicide or perhaps get my mother to advance funds to pay her off and get her out of my life. I will confess that the new meds are helping some and I'm not on the verge - at least yet - of checking myself into a inpatient facility as I thought might well be the case a week or so ago. I WILL be dosed up with meds for the hearing tomorrow.

*

Fortunately, the boyfriend - pictured with me at left at a friend's retirement party last weekend - has been wonderfully supportive and will be in court with me tomorrow for moral support as well as a possible witness on various issues. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. hope and pray that the Court will see through the former wife's harassment tactics and send her and her attorney packing.

*

FYI - this post has been published via delayed publishing options.

Divorce Wars Redux

My attorney - who is representing me pro bono - met with the former wife's attorney today in an attempt to find a way to forge an agreement that would avoid the on-going nightmare of homophobic court hearings which are putting me on the edge of either committing myself to a mental institution or doing something far more drastic. While I question the opposing attorneys ethics in handling a case that is ultimately without merit and based on vindictiveness, revenge and harassment, the ultimate problem likely rests with the former wife for whom financial reality was always what she wanted it to be as opposed to objective fact. Funny that she thinks she knows more than the trustee in my Chapter 11 case and other judges who have reviewed my financial records and concluded that I do not have the financial resourse that she thinks exist in her fanatacies. Of course, the other possibility is that she WANTS to push me to suicide. Of course, should that happen, the laugh will be on her since she will end up collecting nothing.

*

I am not sure where this is all heading, but due to the boyfriend's concerns I am going back into therapy tomorrow - which will just further decrease moneys available to pay the former wife - and I will hopefully gain some more options in the event I go into another free fall melt down like over the weekend. Meanwhile, if I find I will not be able to complete my book, I will be doing a number of posts that I will program to post over a period of time (thanks to the magic of Blogger) should I be unable to post daily any longer. I do plan on some bombshells such as:

*

Details on a trip to Washington, D.C., in the summer of 1976 by the former wife - one of her then roommates helped with the costs - that figured significantly in causing me to feel that I had to marry her given my then foolish religious beliefs.

*

The details - and perhaps the actual text - of a January 13, 2004 e-mail to GOP candidate for Governor of Virginia, Bob "Taliban Bob" McDonnell, former Congresswoman Thelma Drake and others in the Virginia Beach GOP establishment (and Victoria Cobb at the Family Foundation) concerning former Congressman Ed Schrock and his Mega Phone "habit."

*

Information on a compromising video of former "Ex-gay" poster boy Michael Johnston acting anything but "cured" which continues to be held for safe keeping by me.

*

Regardless of what happens to me, I do plan on stirring the pot and doing my best to expose liars and hypocrites.

Sunday Morning Reflections

Last nights dance outing turned into a cluster f*ck and was anything but the relief that I needed so much. My straight friend slipped and fell on the dance floor and broke her wrist. We ended up in the Sentara Norfolk General ER until nearly 4:00 AM- which offers treatment at a pace one would expect to find in some third world medical facility rather than one that spends incredible amounts advertising even though the Sentara Health System has a near monopoly on hospitals in the region. Some of the many millions spent on advertising to a captive market would be far better spent having adequate staff in the ER's. If one wants to die, OD on a Saturday night and be taken to a Sentara facility and you'll be as good as dead.

*

To add to the fun, my deep depression/melancholy of yesterday spun out of control and descended into a major melt down. I very nearly agreed to check myself into the psychiatric ward. The financial strain of the bad economy combined with the unrelenting nastiness of the post-divorce wars is taking a severe toll on me and I've agreed with the boyfriend to go back into therapy to begin trying to re stabilize. I truly feel that I had been doing well emotionally and psychologically until the post-divorce nightmare began last December. Now, I feel that I've regressed significantly - not in terms of my self-acceptance - in my ability to withstand the anti-gay bigotry that continues to be a hallmark of the Virginia judicial system.

*

What is perhaps the most distressing is that I feel powerless in a system where the judges I have had to face view gays basically as some type of vile vermin that needs to be punished if not eradicated. I truly intend to do all I can to make their names public and do all I can to see that they are not reappointed to the bench when their current terms expire - even if that includes going before committees in the General Assembly and describing the injustices done to me. I suspect I will be able to find others who will be willing to likewise speak out against these homophobic judges.

*

One bright spot through all of this mess is the boyfriend who continues to be loving and supportive and overall simply wonderful. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Finding Self-Acceptance

I regularly get questions/comments via e-mail about my own experiences in moving to self-acceptance after so many years of self-hate due to my religious upbringing, the perfection I demand of myself, and the frequent past irritability from being in the closet. In fact, I remarked in recent weeks that I probably could have been a better parent if I had not been so plagued by my own demons and that I hope my children see that being out has made such a difference in my former moodiness. Other times, I receive questions as to what made me decide that I could no longer stay in the closet, etc. In any event, I received such a question recently and wanted to share my thoughts, with the caveat that each one of us is different and we each have our own baggage to overcome. Thus, anything I say may or may not work for someone else. That being said, here’s the question:
*
I was wondering if sometime you might write more of your own experience of coming to better self-acceptance especially if/when those times happen when you still lash out (as most of us do, from time to time). Have you found a way to recover and try to work again with someone after a blow up?
*
Coming to better self-acceptance has been a gradual process for me and literally has taken years since I first came out to my former wife in late 2001. I do not think there was anyone person, event or thing that magically got me to the much better place I am in now compared to most of my prior life. Rather, it was a combination of things. However, my therapist surely played a major role, so I will start with my relationship with him.

*

My therapist's practice focuses principally on men in mid-life transition due to divorce, death of a spouse, loss of a child or like in my case coming out and divorce combined. I would be lying if I said I was always receptive to his advice and counsel. There were times that I lashed out at him and threatened to never go back, but I always ultimately did so since sooner or later I realized that what he was telling me was correct even if I did not want to hear it. He also was very good at trying to get me to live in the now and to have some faith that the future would sort itself out without me unduly obsessing about it in the present. The other thing that he counseled me on was patience (definitely not one of my strong suits), both in terms of reconciling with my two older children during the height of the divorce war and in arriving at a point where I was truly comfortable in just being me and living authentically. Yes, it was humbling to have to go crawling back to him and apologize, but it was worth it in the long run. Also, I think he knew that when I lashed out at him it was often really more a case of lashing out due to anger with myself and not so much him.
*
Changing religious denominations combined with doing a great deal of reading on the Bible, its history, and the political and cultural bias in the Bible, etc., also was of great help. Catholic guilt can be so destructive. While I still consider myself as a Christian, I dismiss much of the Bible for being tainted by the limited knowledge of the writers and/or the political and cultural environment in which it was written (this applies to the Old Testament and the writings of Paul- who I see as a Pharisee who could not completely let go of the legalism he was raised with - in particular). Moreover, belonging to a less strident and judgmental church helped complete the process. That is not to say, however, that I have not had a confrontation or two with the pastors at First Lutheran on occasion or that there have not been times that I did not go to church because I was in a huff over something I was not happy with (e.g., the ELCA’s slow pace of arriving at full acceptance of LGBT members). But, the pastors, like my therapist, never closed the door and ultimately reconciliation would come to pass. By nature, I can blow up and not always be very diplomatic in my comments, but then I cool off and need to repair the damage of my own volatility. The lesson is to burn no bridges and, if you damage them, go back and re-establish communications.
*
The other factor that I believe has helped me a great deal too is becoming involved in LGBT activism, be it HRBOR, Equality Virginia projects, or the new HROC effort to set up a local LGBT community center. Making more LGBT friends and seeing the diversity and goodness of members of the LGBT community goes a long way to dispel some of the negatives one can feel about being gay at times, especially living in a less than progressive area such as Hampton Roads.

Another Sleepless Night and Rambling Thoughts

I am convinced that I will probably get little or no sleep between now and the divorce hearing tomorrow morning. Try as I might, I cannot help but find my mind dwelling on it, especially lying in bed during the quiet of the night. The feeling is less abject fear than a dull foreboding-wondering how much nastier can it get. If the version of the order sought by opposing counsel goes through, my retirement IRA will be gone and what's left of my credit will be destroyed too. I will definitely be the "disposable male."

Thus, it was nice to log on early this morning and find numerous messages of support and good wishes from many readers - some from the other side of the globe. Lately, I get in to the office long ahead of my staff because I cannot stand to lie awake in bed for hours nor do I want to hang around at home and potentially wake the roommates who have no need for being up in the wee hours. My therapist was right on the benefits of doing a blog. I have "met" great people and have greatly enjoyed the sharing of ideas and perspectives. It also eliminates a sense of being alone. Not that I am physically alone, but that I can vent and "talk" about things that would probably bore or exhaust friends in a face to face discussion. I never want to be thought of as being "needy."

I also suspect that this blog is being monitored by my opponent. If I am not going out, not killing time watching TV in the evening, and want to blog at night, in the early morning, or even briefly at lunch instead, one would think that such would be allowable. But no!!! I spend in general 12 hours a day at work or more. But, as I have indicated, I perceive the opposing mindset to be that Michael deserves nothing and no happiness. It's ONLY about satisfying others who have no obligation to reciprocate.

I truly believe that what I describe is increasing the norm in straight marriages. True, there are some that are wonderful. But when I look at the families I knew in my old "perfect" upscale neighborhood, these marriages appear to have been the exception to the norm. Once the chaos of raising kids and all the related activities and obligations were over, so many marriages ended. Or at least the fact that they were not happy and fulfilling became clear to the participants from what I have garnered. Yet, the Christianists blame gays for threatening the "sanctity of marriage."

I believe the bigger threat is the marginalization that goes on of the individual spouses, particularly the husbands who are expected to (1) make money so everyone lives nicely, (2) act as the disciplinarian generally, so that mom can be the "good mommy," and (3) never receive anything for themselves. Work you ass off all your life and then die. Suburban America is not a pretty place and, to quote my therapist, most of the participants are "sleep walkers" going through the motions of a life.

That so many LGBT individuals do NOT want to fit within that horrible, socially dictated norm and want something different is what scares the Christianists the most. Or so I believe.

Therapy

In light of what's going on in my divorce and other matters, I had a session with my therapist today. He is always a good source for an objective perspective, particularly since he himself divorced in mid-life after more than two decades of marriage. While he is straight, he has been down a somewhat similar path, particularly dealing with children who were set against him by a bitter estranged wife. The best advice he gives me is to not be controlled by my conditioning patterns and, while a response is needed to certain circumstances, it should not merely be a reaction based on past conditioning.

He is also a good one to remind me that while I may not like what is occurring at a particular time, feeling sorry for myself or fretting that what is happening is not fair does not face the issue and work toward a constructive and positive plan of action. He has seen me through some very dark times and severely chastised me for self pity, wanting to give up at times, and/or my past overdose episode. All in all, he helps me to endeavor to live in the present and not overly obsess about the future, not that he encourages me to ignore issues that need decisive action.

His analysis and the support of a few true friends and some of you readers has made me feel much more able to face things and not feel beaten down. I thank him, my friends, and those of you who have sent me messages of support and encouragement. Among my readers, I particularly want to thank Shawn for the e-mail he sent, both supporting me in my current travails and encouraging me to keep on blogging.