Robin Williams Comes Out In Final Film Release, "Boulevard"

As the name of this blog indicates, I have special experience when it comes to coming out of the closet in mid-life.  Added to my own journey has been what I have learned from others making the journey, including one relative and acquaintances of the husband and our circle of friends.  It is safe to say that there is no recipe or blue print of how one goes about the process of letting go of the in some ways artificial life that was created to meet the expectations of family and society as a whole. A new movie - which I have yet to see - looks at the process and stars the late Robin Williams.  The name of the film is "Boulevard."  Some may pan the film, but it addresses an issue that I suspect impacts far more men and women than most are likely able to imagine.  As I have noted in the past, simple go to Craigslist or sites like adam4Adam or Grindr and witness just how many closeted married men there are. The question is one of how many will decide to come to full self-acceptance as opposed to continuing to live a role dictated to them by others.   Deadline Holywood looks at the film which I do plan to see.  Here are excerpts:

Robin Williams’ final theatrical release, Boulevard, opens this weekend via Starz Digital. The feature, starring Williams as a 60-year-old married man who comes out of the closet, debuted at the 2014 Tribeca Film Festival, but was temporarily shelved following the actor’s death. Starz will open the film in a slow traditional rollout this summer.

Boulevard centers on a married but closeted 60-year-old bank officer Nolan (Williams), whose spontaneous turn down an unknown street upends his monotonous life and marriage. After forming an unusual friendship with a young, charismatic hustler named Leo, Nolan finds himself on a journey of self-discovery that forces him to confront lifelong secrets he has kept from his wife, Joy (Kathy Baker), and himself. Nolan’s climactic decision to confront who he really is promises to bring happiness and reconciliation to both him and his wife, proving that it is never too late to change life for the better.

“I received a copy of the script…and something about it really touched me,” said director Dito Montiel. “Probably the last thing your agent wants to hear is that you want to do [a movie] about a 60-year-old man coming out. [But] there was an aspect of the coming out I was drawn to and that was of the marriage itself. The [couple] do love each other. It’s not a ‘stand-up and cheer’ to leave ‘the evil woman.’ They did love each other.”

The film has also screened as part of recent Robin Williams retrospectives at the Museum of the Moving Image in New York (MOMI) and the American Cinematheque in L.A. “We planned the release around a lot of things but didn’t plan around the Marriage Equality Act,” said Starz’s Winokur. “Robin’s character is 60 and didn’t have the right to live his life as he would have. It’s a fortuitous coincidence to be able to look at this movie with a fresh pair of eyes.” Starz also released the film’s trailer on YouTube, receiving about 4 million views.

Recently, I was at the birthday party for one of my grandchildren and my ex-wife was there with her husband.  It was awkward at first - I usually "self-medicate" with a glass or two of wine - but we did hug each other.  The truth is that we did love each other once upon a time.  Sadly, we were doomed to failure because I my inability to accept myself for so many years and my foolish belief in wrongheaded, false religious dogma and "pray away the gay" lies and nonsense.  We all deserve happiness and we all deserve to be happy.  I do hope that my former wife finds happiness too.  With our children and now grand children, we will always be connected. 

When Did I Know (Or Should Have Known) That I Am Gay?

 

Having been married to a woman for years with three children before "coming out," I often get asked the question of "when did you know you were gay?"  My response typically is that there is a difference between secretly knowing something in your heart and being able to accept that reality.   For years, due to in retrospect, a warped Roman Catholic upbringing and the conservatism of the area where I grew up, being gay was just something that I could not accept.  As a result I went through many mental contortions to convince myself that "it wasn't really true."  It is this mental state that the fraudulent "ex-gay" groups and misnamed "ministries" prey upon.  

But looking back, there were unmistakable signs I refused to accept.  One was prompted to mind while going through old possessions in my house in Norfolk that I plan to put up for sale soon.  Among these things was a stack of old vinyl LP albums.  One was for the soundtrack of the 1968 movie version of Romeo and Juliet.  When I first saw the movie as a field trip for a high school English class, while all the boys were swooning for Olivia Hussey, who starred as Juliet, I was swooning inwardly - and secretly - for Leonard Whiting (pictured below) who played Romeo. 

I should have gotten the message, but I didn't.  Of course, when the movie was released, it would be another five (5) years before homosexuality ceased to be classified as a form of mental illness.  I suspect that in towns and cities all across America - indeed the world - there are teens who like me are striving desperately to not accept the reality of who they are and/or to deal with it and accept it.  What drives all this inner torment and self hate is, of course, religion and the need for the pious crowd to condemn and stigmatize others so that they (i) don't have to think and face the fact that the Bible is wrong about gays and (ii) can feel superior and good about themselves.  

For all these youths, I hope the day of full marriage equality nationwide comes soon and that conservative Christianity (and other fundamentalist religions) finds a much needed death.

Today is National Coming Out Day

Unwittingly, eleven years ago almost to the day I came out to my former wife.  It was the first step on what would prove to be a long turbulent journey.  Admittedly, I was clueless at the time on many gay rights issues that I write about all the time now.  All I knew was that I could not go on living my life like some actor on a stage playing a role that wasn't the real me.   The stress of always maintaining a glass wall between myself and the world was becoming simply too much to handle.  Add to that the emotional and psychological damage done to me being raised Catholic and my foolishly believing the "pray away the gay" myth, and suicide really looked to be the only alternative to finally trying to face who I really was.  Since taking that first initial step, the intervening years have certainly seen triumphs and tragedies.  But I have accomplished one thing: a level of self-acceptance and peace with who I am that had eluded me for nearly five decades.

I know from the e-mails I receive or even from venturing into gay chat rooms, that there are still so many individuals who are not "out" and still living their lives in various levels of fear of discovery.   It is a scary place to be.  I've been there.  But coming out is not only liberating, it is also the strongest form of activism that one can undertake.  Living out and proud is a daily testament that the lies and smears told about LGBT individuals are not true.  Being out is truly the most powerful way to alter hearts and minds.   It's not always easy and, yes, it can be terrifying at times.   But it beats the hell out of staying in the closet.

 

Straight Spouses - The Collateral Damage of the "Ex-Gay" and "Change" Myths

A topic that I've addressed before but which needs much more exposure is the damage done to straight spouses who find themselves in marriages to gay/lesbian spouses who have married typically under pressure to conform to societal/family expectations and religious brainwashing that tells them that sexual orientation is changeable and that one can become "straight."   Despite the fact that all legitimate medical and mental health associations now condemn the "change myth" as I call it and hold that sexual orientation is not something that one can change, the leading Christofascist and anti-gay hate groups and many churches continue to push the myth that "gay is wrong" and that "change is possible."  Indeed, just this week Joel Osteen engaged in some of this batshitery even though he conceded that he did not "choose" to be heterosexual.  

A piece by Amity P. Buxton, (pictured above left) founder of the Straight Spouse Network, in Huffington Post looks at the plight of these men and women who find themselves in a whirlwind because their wives or husbands, as the case may be, tried to be straight, married and often had children as they deceived themselves and their spouses until the whole structure simply collapsed.  I'm one such formerly married gay with children and I've seen the collateral damage that the ex-gay charlatans and religious leaders like Pope Benedict XVI cause.   The evil they do to countless thousands of gays/lesbians and their straight spouses needs to be exposed and stopped.  Here are excerpts from the piece in Huffington Post:

Tucked in a corner of the lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender closet is a little-known group: straight women and men in heterosexual marriages whose husbands or wives come out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender after marrying them as "the right thing to do." Finding the marriages too difficult to maintain due to their hidden sexual orientation or gender identity, they eventually say, "Honey, I'm gay," or, "I need to become the woman or man I am .  .  .  .

Though some couples work out ways to stay together, most divorce, their children now in a broken family. As divorced LGBT partners begin to live their lives with integrity, their straight ex-partners are left in shock, their own identity, integrity, and belief system shattered. The spotlight on the disclosing partners, few outsiders think about their wives or husbands. "They're straight! They're normal. No problem."

Lately, many people -- of all orientations -- say to me, "Oh, this doesn't happen nearly as often now, right?" Wrong.  While conditions are improving for same-sex relationships and transgender persons, these marriages still occur to meet heterosexist expectations, and LGBT spouses in them keep coming out.

More importantly, the larger community remains unaware of this wider range of harm caused by anti-same-sex and pro-heterosexual marriage beliefs. Straight spouses are injured by the very anti-gay or anti-trans/pro-straight factors in our society that caused their mates to marry them -- "collateral damage," some say. 

Once they know the truth, the vast majority divorce and must pick up the pieces of their fractured families to create a semblance of normalcy for their children. In addition, a number keep their ex-partners' "secret," wanting to avoid the latter's rejection by community, workplace, or place of worship, and to protect their children from taunts.  .  .  .  .  Few find the knowledgeable professional help they need.

It's time to pay attention to this invisible group. A new book does just that. Unseen-Unheard: The Journey of Straight Spouses, of which I am a co-author, opens the window onto their emotional, sexual, cognitive, psychological, relational, and spiritual trauma.

We wanted readers to see and hear straight spouses' anger at being in their mates' closet unknowingly, their disbelief that the marriage they knew was a mirage, their fear that they don't have strength to cope, their anxiety that their children will suffer, and their grief from letting go of what they thought they had. 

The good news is that most spouses gradually become triumphantly self-confident. Many gain understanding of why their mates married them, and a number, like me, become LGBT equality activists. The bad news is that the societal factors underlying these painful journeys persist, and, until we change them, painful stories like these will continue to be told.

The next time you hear some pastor, priest, televangelist snake oil merchant, Pope, or self-enriching "professional Christian" railing against gays and the homosexual agenda or claiming that gays can "change" I hope you will picture in your mind the men, women and children who are being condemned to doomed marriages  - all so that liars and hypocrites can either feel superior and good about themselves or so that they can line their pockets with money.  Tawdry whores are more virtuous than these "godly Christians." 

Facing Down Old Demons

I noted yesterday that August 24, 2012, is the 10 year anniversary of the day I moved out of the family home and began my effort to find self-acceptance and some kind of peace in my life in terms of who I was/am as a gay man.  For those who have contacted me with word of kindness in follow up to that post, please accept my sincere thanks.  As long time readers know, there were times in the past when this blog was a true lifeline for me. I'm amazed that some of you have remained loyal readers over the last 5+ years.  And again, all I can say is "thank you."

An irony about yesterday that I had not shared was that there was an "old timers" reunion/party at the neighborhood pool where I once spent so much time, served on the board of directors for over five years and served as president two years.  The pool manager/swim team coach of three decades was the motivating force behind the event.  I had real trepidation about going - some of my former "friends" had been less than supportive when I came out and moved out.   Others were wonderful and some have remained legal clients and true friends of mine to this day. 

In any event, the boyfriend and I and my youngest daughter all went to the event and much to my surprise it turned out to be a great event and virtually everyone was friendly and gracious to the boyfriend and me.  Perhaps it was out of a knowledge that I had more sweat equity if you will in the facility than many of them.  Or perhaps the former gossips in the crowd had come to rethink their past catty behavior.  In any event, I decided that I would not be kept away by my fears of possible rejection and we proudly and openly attended the event.  Not surprisingly, the boyfriend charmed everyone that he talked with.  

After the event ended, we went over to the home of one of the couples who had always remained supportive to me and before we knew it another three hours had gone by.  I am very glad I went and the lesson to me and others is to be confident with who you are and hang on to the mindset "if  you don't like me, the loss is yours."  Holding you head up high and being confident can really set the tone.

 

Of Skeletons and Closets - The Poisonous Effects on Married Gays

The Christofascists go to great lengths to continue to foist the "ex-gay" myth and "change" myth on the public at large not to mention those unfortunate enough to have been raised in their psychologically disturbed denominations.  The damage done to gays who marry out of fear or a desire to do "what is expected" of them by family and society is immense.  I know, because I was one such gay man who tried to believe the lie and be something that I was not.  The inner conflict and years of self-hate took a toll both on me and those around me that I loved and cared about.  Not that any of this type of associated damage means a thing to the Christofascists whose anti-gay hatred knows few boundaries.  A piece in the Sydney Morning Herald takes a good look at the consequences for gays who marry as I did and try to lie a lie.  Here are some excerpts:

Coming out – it’s an emotional minefield. Accepted by some, rejected by others, confused about who to trust and where to turn.  How much harder if you were a gay man who had to ‘'come out'’ to your wife and children?

It is estimated roughly two million lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people in the United States have married someone of the opposite sex.  One-third of these couples break up immediately after disclosure, one third stay together for a year and then separate and another third attempt to make it work (although three years later, only half of this group were still together).

Psychologist Paul Martin from Brisbane's Centre for Human Potential has spent 25 years working with men and women of mixed-orientation marriages.  Mr Martin said the impact of suppressing or denying homosexuality was wide-reaching, resulting in both physical and mental health issues. “This story needs to be told. It’s something that’s happening underneath our noses all the time, more than anyone would imagine,” he said.

As the acceptance of homosexuality increases, it is expected the number of married men coming out will continue to rise.  “These men have a heightened level of internalised homophobia and are responding to a discomfort with who they are. They develop many defences,” Mr Martin said.

“Everything they say and do and every person they interact with is an act of deception because they have a conflict between the real self and the projected self.  “They become masters of deception. They can quite often be loveable and popular, but the problem for that person is that people are interacting with an ‘avatar’ and not the ‘real’ person. It is the loneliest place in the world.” Mr Martin said the leading motivation for a man to deny his homosexuality was the fear of rejection.

She felt societal homophobia coupled with her (now ex-) husband’s internalised homophobia was a major contributing factor in his inability to be true to himself and to his wife and family.  .   .   .   “His violent mood swings stemmed from his confused sexuality. He felt trapped and scared keeping such a huge secret. He had been fighting suicidal thoughts. He was taking anti-depressants. I felt more sorry for him than I did for myself.

“In one study, 12 of the 60 married bisexual men interviewed were past 40 when they had their first homosexual relationship. These men reported that the first experience came entirely unexpectedly. “Those wives who do finally discover that their husbands are gay rarely, if ever, understand why they prefer other men,” according to Alwood.

“There will always be pain and hurt and shock but there is a way to best manage that. It can never be done in a way that is good, but with sensitivity, integrity and love it mitigates against huge amounts of pain.”

Again, what angers me the most  is not that the Christofascists are lying (and often knowingly), but that they care nothing about the victims of the the myth that sexual orientation is a choice and/or changeable.  And all so that they can try to avoid facing (i) the fact that their "inerrant Bible" is most fallible and was authored by ignorant people and/ot (ii) their own psychological problems.

The Other Victims of the "Ex-Gay" Myth - Part 2

I recently wrote about the victims so often ignored by the Christianists and fraudulent "ex-gay ministries - the straight spouses who end up in doomed marriages all so that (i) self-loathing closet cases can try to convince themselves they're not really gay,  (ii) politically involved Christianist can spread the lie to their GOP allies that gays can "change," and (iii) the "ex-gay" ministries can rake in some buck preying on tortured gays and their typically ultra-religious parents.  Meanwhile, the straight spouses are treated as they don't exist - nor are the families of such "mixed marriages" acknowledged to exist.  Instead, it's all about making a buck and playing political games with peoples' lives.  Andrew Sullivan has some more comments from his readers who suffered because of the "ex-gay" myth and religious traditions that refuse to accept modern knowledge about sexual orientation.  Religious traditions that - to quote blogger friend Bob Felton - prefer to cling to the writings of nomadic Bronze Age goat herders.  Here are excepts from Andrew's latest post on this sad topic:  

Last Monday, six days after I voted against the amendment in North Carolina that would protect the sanctity of marriage by stomping on the rights of gay couples, I told my husband that as much as it saddened me, we needed to divorce. We’ve been married for nearly 25 years and have two great teenagers, but I found out seven years ago that he was gay. We have worked mightily to reach some sort of an accord that would keep our marriage and our family intact. But I just can’t do it anymore.

As soon as I told him that the end was here, the emotion in second place to our sadness was relief … for both of us. The day we had both been dreading but knew deep down had to come was finally here. We will tell our children the whole truth once school is over. We feel they are old enough to understand now, and it is important that they know why we are separating so the cycle of secrets can stop.

When we got married, he was sure that he had put "those" feelings behind him for good, relieved that he wouldn’t be disappointing his parents. He was optimistic about having it all: the wife, the family, the career - things he didn’t feel he could have had if he’d chosen to be openly gay in the late 1980s. So he pushed it all away until he couldn’t deny it any longer

And it is all just so sad. I have to part ways with the person that I thought I would grow old with, who knows me better than any human on earth, who laughed out loud with utter joy when our daughter was born, who read each Harry Potter book aloud to our son until he was old enough to read them himself. I’m not mad at him anymore. I’m just so very sad.

That narrative in some ways describes my own failed marriage.  Like the husband in the comment, I stupidly believed that I could deny who I was and make it all go away.  Of course, it doesn't go away.  And while trying to please family, church and a large segment of society one experiences a daily living Hell and others are harmed.  Others that you love.  I hope that some day my former wife (who I will see Saturday at our daughter's wedding) fully forgives me.  I will likely never forgive myself.  Andrew also has a son's perspective.  Here are highlights:

My mother will never forgive my father, which I understand. .  .  .  .  For her, he stole her womanhood; he stole the possibility of making love and being loved by a man who desired her. That's what hurt me the most.

As I said, I will likely never forgive myself.  Nor will I forgive the professional Christians and church leaders who continue to denigrate and demonize gays and in the process create more failed marriages like my own.  Worse of all, they don't give a damn about the straight spouses and the children of these doomed marriages.

Straight Spouses - The Other Victims of "Ex-Gay" Programs

The preceding post took a second look at Robert Spitzer's recanting of his infamous 2003 study.  Having read the study and better yet a number of the reviews, one has to wonder how and why Spitzer ever believed anything that those in "ex-gay" ministries said.  Especially given the virulent anti-gay positions of these organizations, the fact that some of the study participants made their livelihood by claiming to be "ex-gay", and the - in my opinion -  extreme psychological problems of many who had been brainwashed and traumatized by religious doctrine from their youth.  It is fortunate that Spitzer finally has rendered the study worthless except in the hands of the most dishonest of the Christofascists such as those at PFOX and NARTH.   The victims of "reparative therapy" and "praying away the gay" are many.  But the victims extend beyond the men and women who submitted to the witch doctor like ex-gay therapy.  There is another large pool of victims who the Christofascists and "ex-gays for pay" care nothing about: the straight spouses of gays who in self-denial marry and try to conform to the demands of church and society.  In my own case, I will always feel some level of guilt for deceiving my former wife even though I was deceiving myself as well.  I have three wonderful children that I don't regret, but my former wife deserved better.  All of the straight spouses deserve better.  Yet the charlatans of the ex-gay industry continue to victimize on a large scale.  Two posts here and here on Andres Sullivan's blog brought these other victims to mind.  Here are some highlights:

A reader writes:

Andrew, I've been reading your blog for about three years and feel like you're someone who can understand how I'm feeling right now. My ex-husband and father of my two oldest sons passed away of kidney cancer last November. We had been divorced since 1984 and hadn't spoken for the last ten years.

The gay marriage debate lately has had me thinking about him again and feeling so sad. How he tried so hard to fit into the mold society demanded and how much emotional pain and turmoil caused to all our families when he couldn't.

I always thought gays should be allowed to marry but didn't think it affected me personally. Now I know better. This is why we, as a society, must love and accept everybody the way they are and not the way we demand they be. I can't regret loving him because of the wonderful sons we have. I only regret not being the one he could trust with the truth of his life.

I'm crying now writing this. It's been 38 years since we married, 28 since we divorced and six months since he died, and I am still trying to finally have some closure.

This is the flipside of the social conservative debate. One of the great threats to successful marriage in this country is the way in which fundamentalism and homophobia coax gay people into straight relationships which are, at root, based on a lie. The human pain and wreckage this causes - to both gays and straights, and especially children - is immense. Yet so many on the right seem not to care or even notice. They just want us to disappear. It was so much easier when we didn't so obviously, you know, exist.

A reader provides the flipside experience of this post:

There are so many of these straight spouses of closeted gays out there still and they are the very real, and often ignored, collateral damage of anti-gay rights campaigns.  I was one of them once - a closeted lesbian married to a man. I'm not sure I'll ever completely let go of the shame I have about marrying someone while I knew stuffed way deep down, but could not accept, that I am a lesbian. Did I love him? I did. Passionately, though fleetingly. We too lasted 10 years before neither of us could take the distance my secret knowledge created between us.

Another writes:

I haven't been following the Dish like I'd prefer as I've ended my last semester of seminary, but I caught your post and the commentary at the end: "One of the great threats to successful marriage in this country is the way in which fundamentalism and homophobia coax gay people into straight relationships which are, at root, based on a lie." That struck a chord with me.  When I got to college and started sleeping around with guys, I still saw myself middle-aged and married to a woman with children. I was living and knowing one thing, but my fundamentalism and internalized homophobia made me plan to keep living a lie. Guys I hooked up were planning weddings sometimes. At least one of those has ended in a divorce. My experience of the ex-gay garbage was far more threatening to a potential marriage to a woman than my ability to marry my fiance.

The Christofascists say that homosexuality is a sin.  I would argue that what they cause to happen to countless gays and countless straight spouses is by far and away the bigger sin.   And as Andrew and his readers note, the "godly Christians" don't give a damn about the harm they cause.  In their quest to stamp out anything that demonstrates that their "inerrant Bible" is horrifically flawed they care nothing about others.  It's all about themselves and their intense desire to avoid having to think beyond what they were told as children in soul destroying Sunday school lessons.

Thought on a Daughter's Upcoming Wedding

I haven't mentioned this soon to occur significant life experience event yet, but my youngest daughter - pictured above with me before the Last Dinner on the Titanic event last month - is getting married on May 26, 2012.  Moreover, the wedding will take place in the back yard of the home I share with the boyfriend in Hampton.  My oldest daughter eloped due to her now military husband's orders scheduling issues and my free spirited hippie-like son may never officially marry.  Thus, this could be the main wedding experience I get to have as the father of a member of the wedding couple.

If one listens to the lies and hate disseminated by the Christianists, one would believe that gay parents are incapable of having a profound loving parental relationship with children they raise.  Like so much of what the Christianists say about LGBT individuals, it's a lie.  I feel I have an amazing relationship with my children and my youngest daughter in particular since she works at my law office and we see each other so much each and every week.  I treasure her.

Given that this will be the first time that my former wife and her new husband (and other members of her family) will be at out home, the boyfriend - a/k/a "Martha Stewart" - has me working to have the place as immaculate as possible.  We are tenting in part of the back yard that overlooks the tidal creek that forms two sides of our yard, coordinating with a caterer and orchestrating wine, champagne, and flowers among other things for the event.

The far right can denigrate gay parents all they want, but we love our children as much or more than anyone else and I hope the event will make a statement to guests that no one makes a parent set of parents than two gay dads.  As an added bonus, my oldest daughter and her new husband are flying in from Washington State for the event.

Living Out and Proud - Returning to and Facing the Pst

The Hampton Roads Pride launch fundraiser for Out in the Park 2012 that I wrote about earlier in the week that took place this evening at the home of Susan and Paul Hirschbiel in Virginia Beach. It was a wonderful event and seems to have raised much of the additional funding that is needed to put on this year's "Out in the Park" event on August 18, 2912 in Town Point Park on the Norfolk waterfront. For me, however, even thought the event was obviously a safe venue (especially with me being a member of the HR Pride Board of Directors), it was nonetheless a bit unnerving. Why? Because the event was held in my former neighborhood where I lived for 18 years during the "straight phase" of my life. Yes, the same neighborhood where after I came out I suddenly became invisible, if you will, despite my many years of civic involvement that ranged from the PTA, local civic league, to the neighborhood pool association. It was an eye opening experience that brought home to me how few real friends I had.

Sometimes it is hard to let go off past hurts and slights no matter one's age or the age at which one came out and finally admitted to themselves and others who they really are. Not surprisingly, not many of my former neighbors were at the event. But some did attend, including a great straight couple with whom I had lost contact. The husband was my son's boy scout leader and my oldest daughter coached the neighborhood pool swim team that their boys swam for over a number of summers. They no longer live in the old neighborhood either, but it was great reconnecting and having them meet the boyfriend. The irony is that they confessed that they never liked the old neighborhood which they viewed as rather right wing in retrospect. Not that I knew their thoughts at the time that I lived in the neighborhood. Moreover, their favored circle of friends now includes many members of the gay community. I suspect that we will do more with them socially in the future.

Facing the past and old haunts and demons can indeed be frightening. But facing past demons can be liberating and prove that not all of you fears were justified. The best revenge is to be proud of who you are and refuse to allow others to diminish who you are. It's a lesson that sadly took me too many years to learn. I hope readers don't make my mistakes.

On a different note, the evening provided a great opportunity to get to speak with Paul Hirschbiel who is running for Congress and challenging hate group endorsed Scott Rigell. Check out Paul's website and support his effort. The nation doesn't need haters and Christianists like Rigell in Congress.

Fighting Holiday Loneliness

As I have noted before, early in my coming out journey, the holiday season was the worse time of the year for me. All I did was focus on what I'd lost - and the fact that I had not yet found anything meaningful to replace it. The fact that my late parents were totally accepting of me (admittedly something wonderful) did little to replace the emptiness. Separation from my children on days like Thanksgiving and Christmas only further aggravated the situation. In fact, for the first two years of my coming out journey, the holidays found me most often simply wanting to die.

From e-mails I have received over the course of the weekend, I know that there are many others in the dark place that I once inhabited too much of the time. A common complaint is that the formerly married gay man has left his marriage and now has no one in their life. The result is that they are terrified that they will be alone forever. This was certainly a common theme during my sessions with my therapist who nearly pulled his hair out at times when I was insistent that I could not survive if I was alone. In retrospect, his lectures that I needed to find a way to be happy and confident in myself even if I remained single forever were worthwhile. At the time, it was a message that I simply did NOT want to hear. The other thing that I've come to appreciate after the fact is the reality that if one is caught up in a constant pity party, you're not going to strike most people as attractive husband material. In fact, potential partners may discretely run from you.

Reaching that point of contentment with being alone, however, is easier said than done. I am frequently asked how I reached a point of being content with being alone if that were to be the hand I was dealt. that point. The answer is not easy to explain. But I will give it a shot for both those who have contacted me and others who have not but who are suffering quietly alone. One step in the process for me involved jumping prematurely into what in many ways was an utterly disastrous relationship. I won't go into all the gory details - old posts on this blog from the time period of the long overdue break up of that relationship have already done that. Suffice it to say, I finally came to see that being alone was far better than being immersed in a dysfunctional relationship that carried constant high drama.

Concurrent with the break up, I found ways to be busy and around people even though I did not have a significant other. At the time, HRBOR (www.hrbor.org) was newly launched and I immersed myself in building the organization. I had one gay couple that remain the best of friends and often I'd simply hang out with them rather than stay home alone. Involvement in the Legends Committee for Equality Virginia's fall fundraiser likewise was a means to (1) stay busy and (2) meet new people within the LGBT community. This blog also provided a means to have a "cyberspace family" that I could communicate with daily. Through these efforts and others, I was able to see that I had a purpose in my life and that I could participate in making a difference. It all sort of jelled and I came to believe that I could have a full and purposeful life even if I never found "Mr. Right." The result was that guys came to see me - rightly or wrongly - as "having my shit together" and being someone self-confident and self-sufficient. In short, someone who was husband material. And guess what, that's when I met my current partner of over 3 years.

Was the process along the way fun and easy? Not at all much of the time and I was often outside my comfort zone in a major way. I had to force myself to stay engaged at times, but in the long run, it was worth every moment of effort and/or discomfort. And my message to other in the dark places I once knew too well is that you CAN make the transition too. I'm proof that it can be done.

Coming Out - Ten Yars Later - Further Thoughts

My post on this blog and on the Bilerico Project generated some powerful responses, most in the form of direct e-mails from those struggling as I once did to survive the coming out journey and to escape what often seemed like a black tunnel with no exit and no ray of sunlight in the distance. I have tried to offer words of encouragement and I hope that those who wrote to me will keep up the good fight.

I wish that I could promise happiness and full self-acceptance overnight, but sadly, it doesn't seem to work that way. Building a new life takes hard work - especially if one has been married and sees their entire former world crumbling with nothing immediately at hand to replace it. I hope that those I heard from will not succumb to depression and that they will continue to strive to move forward. Having reached the point I am at in terms of self-acceptance and feeling good about being gay, I would never go back into the closet. I just could not do it. For those still struggling, I hope you will find good therapists and work to build support networks and social networks. For those in cities that have gay and gay friendly chambers of commerce affiliated with the NGLCC, check them out. Many have individual memberships and they can be a great way to meet the types of people needed to rebuild your life. I also recommend getting involved with volunteer work. Will it take you outside of your comfort zone? Most likely, but you need to see it as a stepping stone toward your ultimate goal.

Hang in there all of you - it does get better.

Reflections of a Gay Father

Two weeks ago when the boyfriend and I were in New York City we saw the Broadway show "Priscilla Queen of the Desert." At the time I mentioned a line in the show that hit home with me in a special way. It was the scene in the show when the character Tick says that marrying and fathering a son was "the best mistake that I ever made." With my three wonderful children, I feel that way every day notwithstanding the psychological hell of my years in the closet and the arduous aspects of my coming out journey. I guess I am feeling particularly sensitive because it's my son's birthday today. Since he lives in Washington State (the photo above is from a couple years ago when he hiked the entire Appalachian Trail, finishing the 2,176 mile trek on my birthday) the distance between us has made me all the more conscious of his special day. I hope he knows he's in my heart and mind always. Happy Birthday, son!!

Boehner Claims Homosexuality Is A "Choice"

It's no secret to many that I cannot stand Speaker of the House John Boehner who I perceive to be nothing more than an ignorant, lying weasel. He underscored this assessment back in August when a brief was filed in the ongoing DOMA litigation in which it was stated “a significant percentage of gays and lesbians believe they exercised some or a great deal of choice in determining their sexuality.” As proof, fingers were pointed at gays and lesbians who had married as if lying to one's self - and everyone else - and trying to be straight when you're not somehow makes sexual orientation a "choice." I have a lot of experience in this matter and my comment to Boehner is get your head out of your ass and get your nose out of the asses of the Christofascists. To Boehner, the professional opinions of legitimate professional associations (with emphasis on the word legitimate) like the APA mean nothing to Boehner. He'd rather listen to quacks like "Marcia" Bachmann and the folks at NARTH. Think Progress looks at Boehner's disingenuous batshitery. Here are some highlights:

Edie Windsor, who is challenging the constitutionality of the the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act and seeking a refund of the federal estate tax paid by the estate of her late wife, filed an affidavit yesterday responding to House Speaker John Boehner’s (R-OH) claim that her homosexuality was a “choice.” Lawyers for Boehner’s Bipartisan Legal Advisory Group of the House of Representatives (“BLAG”) levied the charge in a brief filed on Aug. 1, writing, “a significant percentage of gays and lesbians believe they exercised some or a great deal of choice in determining their sexuality.”

Windsor argued that her short marriage to a man demonstrated the opposite. “I understand that BLAG argues in its papers that my first, brief marriage to Saul Weiner in 1951 demonstrates that I had a ‘choice’ about my sexual orientation. As I explain below, that is certainly not the case,” she said. “What my marriage to Saul Weiner shows is that although I tried to make a ‘choice’ about my sexual orientation by getting married to a man, I was simply unable to do so.”

All major medical professional organizations agree that sexual orientation is not a choice and cannot be changed, from gay to straight or otherwise. . . . Professor Lisa Diamond — whose work Boehner’s lawyers cite to substantiate their claims — has charged BLAG of distorting her writings. “Neither this article nor any of my other published work supports BLAG’s claim that ‘a high number of persons who experience sexual attraction to members of the same sex early in their adult lives later cease to experience such attraction,” she claimed in an affidavit.

It's all too typical of the political whores in the GOP who slavishly kiss the asses or the Christianist and lie and distort research to further lies and untruths.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

Today is the boyfriend's birthday and tomorrow is the third anniversary of our first date. Over the past three years he has proven to be a sweet and gentle soul and I am so very lucky to have him in my life. That's not to say there isn't occasional friction in our relationship - I usually check his infrequent Germanic rigidness by saying "Yes, mein Fuhrer" - as in any relationship. But over all he's truly sweet, kind and loving. Indeed, he's one of the nicest people I've ever known. It's no wonder that his client's nearly worship him.

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I hope he has a wonderful day today and a few friends and my youngest daughter and her boyfriend will be getting together with us for a birthday dinner this evening.

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For those coming out later in life, what I've found with the boyfriend proves that it does get better and that there is a new life out there waiting for you even at times you feel your entire world has collapsed and left nothing to replace it. Patience is the key, although that's not exactly one of my strongest attributes. Believe that there's a positive future and it will arrive in time.

Coming out in Mid-Life: Avoiding the Guilt Trap

It seems that one of the common traps associated with coming out later in life is the tendency to take on mountains of guilt which then can nearly immobilize you and in some cases pressure one to even ponder suicide. There will likely be many that are only too happy to help in piling on this guilt as the upheaval in the lives of loved ones is seen to be “all my fault.” The consequences of this guilty is to descend in a downward spiral of self-hate and depression. Unfortunately, I hear these stories of crippling feelings of guilt frequently, from readers who are having a very rough time as they travel through their coming out journey, other bloggers in the past and even individuals I know personally in the local community.
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I am not unsympathetic to those experiencing this phenomenon and I have certainly been there myself as long time readers of this blog know full well. I even went so far as to engage in two pretty serious suicide attempts – each triggered by a combination of immense feelings of guilt, my horrific divorce and the accompanying financial ruin that went with it. In retrospect, these attempts only hurt those I cared about the most. But at the time the sense of hopelessness and guilt over everyone else’s lives being upset that I simply did not see that truth. *

So how does one avoid the guilt trap? First, stop listening to others tell you that it’s your fault. As if any of us voluntarily decided to be LGBT just for the Hell of it. Truth be told, if we did not live in a screwed up and still far too homophobic a society, there’d be no prejudice against LGBT citizens and there’d be no need for trying to conform and living in the closet in the first place. Likewise, do not buy into those who are saying that you have “ruined their lives” by coming out. Change happens to all of us and all involved can move on if they want to do so. I’d also point out that if you think about it, the message that they are sending you is that they care so little about you that they’d rather you be miserable for the rest of your life than have change forced into their lives.

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On a related note, don’t buy into the whining of those who want to play the game that they are the victim. None of those that I have known and heard from went into marriage with any evil intent or desire to harm others. Rather, they bought into society’s lie that being gay is a sin and that one had to marry and have children. Thus, in many ways, the party coming out has been victimized by the fouled up system as much victims former spouses, children and other family members. This reality is one of the reasons I so strongly challenge the lies of the “ex-gay” ministries and proponents of what I call the “choice myth.” These individuals pressure gays to marry and have children even though they know damn well that their ministries are fraudulent and that sexual orientation is not something that can “change.” Naturally, they are nowhere to be seen when such marriages fall apart hurting all involved. Nope, instead they are off conning the next gullible and religiously conflicted individual to embrace their poison.
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Remaining in the closet long term serves the needs of no one. Oh, things may seem easier, but living as someone that you’re not and depriving others of the opportunity for legitimate relationships with a straight spouse isn’t a solution. It merely compounds the problem further. That said, it is still a very rough road coming out in later life (not that it’s ever necessarily easy), but it is something all involved can survive. One needs to hang onto that truth. One also needs to realize that you are entitled to some level of happiness too - just like everyone else.

A "Thank You" From/To Robyn Deane

The way in which the Internet allows one to connect with people is amazing. I just received a comment from Robyn Deane, Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell's transgender former sister-in-law, concerning the effort made to disseminate her message. Her message is posted on The Bilerico Project version of the post I did on this blog. Robyn is not the first to connect based on blog posts that I have done. Recently, after posting about Australian former Olympic swimmer Daniel Kowalski, I was surprised to find an e-mail from Kowalski himself saying "Thank You." Here's the message from Robyn Dean:
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Hello!!
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I signed on to say "Thank you!!" to everyone that went before me, paving an easier road to travel than was available long ago when I first realized who I was. Now, it's becoming difficult to imagine a world where such uplifting support wouldn't be available!! Sometimes, I think, we overlook just how far we've come...doesn't mean the job is done; just that we've made quite a bit of progress!!
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Again, Thank you all very much and I remain committed (Oh my, the sense of humor just jumped into hyper-drive!!) ...to our cause, that is, until the questions change from "Who do they think they are?" to "What were we all thinking?" If it takes being "in it" for the long-haul to get to that point, then I'm in it for the long-haul!!
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Warmest regards,
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Robyn Deane

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My message to Robyn is," Thank You for your courage and willingness to speak out for fairness and equality." If we all work together we can continue to change hearts and minds.

Coming Out of "‘Situational Heterosexuality’

Joe Jervis has a quote at Joe By God from Former "ex-gay" evangelical minister Anthony Venn-Brown. Brown, now one of Australia's leading LGBT activists, where he says that gay men in heterosexual marriages engage in the opposite of the situational homosexuality found in prisons and other all same gender settings. Having been in a heterosexual marriage myself for 24 years , I think that Venn-Brown is on to something. Those of us gays who married and tried to do "what was expected" by family, society and/or our religious upbringings in effect engaged in straight relationships even thought that was not our true sexual orientation. We either did not know what else to do, wanted to have children, or simply could not admit to ourselves who we really were. Thus, you try to make it work even though in your heart you know its not complete and you continue to suffer from those pesky attractions to other males. You become the actor on the stage playing a role until the point comes where you simply no longer have the energy to keep up the performance either inwardly or outwardly. Here are some of Venn-Brown's comments on the phenomenon:
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"‘Situational heterosexuality’ is a term I’ve used for several years when people have asked how I could have been married for so many years and yet be gay. This term has also helped people gain a clearer understanding of what really happens when someone who is homosexual marries someone of the opposite sex and claims change. Confusion about what really happens in these situations still exists and often wrongly reinforces the ‘homosexuality is a choice’ and ‘homosexuals can change’ concept.
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"How often have you heard someone say something like this ‘They couldn’t be gay, they’re married’. When someone says that to me, I just remain silent for a while with a smile on my face (having been a gay man in a heterosexual marriage) and wait for what I’m actually thinking to sink into the consciousness of the person who made the naive statement."
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As much as "ex-gays" may seek to deny it - even to themselves - they have not changed their sexual orientation. Instead they have suppressed it at least for a time. That does not equate to permanent change.

Why Coming Out and Living Openly Matters

On Hearsay with Cathy Lewis yesterday (btw, thank you Lyndon for your very kind words), one caller said that he had no desire to identify with the gay community because the media stereotype of gay males is effeminate, sissy males. While his comments were in part true, what he failed to grasps is that the MAJORITY of gay males are NOT effeminate as per the stereotype. So much so, in fact, that they generally pass for straight and those who casually observe them and even socialize with them will typically assume that they are anything but gay. Indeed, I have gay clients who are military personnel in special forces divisions. These men could literally kill you with their bare hands and appear outwardly as macho as they come, yet they are just as homosexual as some nellie gay.

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The truth is that stereotypes die only when there are enough readily available examples to the contrary that the image portrayed by the stereotype becomes a recognizable caricature as opposed to the generally known reality. What's the best way to kill prejudicial stereotypes? To come out and live openly so as to show the falsehood of the stereotype. I realize that not everyone is at a place in their life that they can come out - they may be in the military, hold a job where they might be fired, etc. - but those of us who can need to do so. I commented yesterday on Meredith Baxter's coming out and how I applauded her. Now, she intends to write a book that hopefully will educate others that, contrary to what our Christianist enemies preach, the vast majority of us in the LGBT community are every day ordinary people and live lives not so different than the general public. Here are highlights from a story in The Advocate:

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“The message I get is that I’m America’s mom,” Baxter told The Advocate. “And because research seems to show that people who have someone who is gay in their family — or a friend or just know someone in the community who is gay — they seem to have a more open attitude about gay and lesbian issues. So I can say I’m still that mom. I am still the same person. I’m non-threatening, I’m very friendly, I’m accessible, and if they can say, ‘OK, well, she’s a lesbian, maybe that’s not such a scary thing. And if she can come out and say that without too much fear, then maybe I can do that.’ If it makes a difference to a couple of people, then I guess it’s worthwhile.”
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It is true that Baxter outed herself before tabloids could do so, but now that she's done that, she seems to have the correct attitude. Each one of us CAN make a difference by being who we are and telling our stories. Yes, it can be terrifying and even dangerous. But the freedom and relief of being able to be yourself 24/7 is invaluable. I was in the closet for decades and I can say with certainty that I'd NEVER want to live that way again. Never, ever.

Does Coming Out Equate With "Abandoning" One's Family

I saw a new psychiatrist late this afternoon at the office of my former doctor - my former doctor received a promotion and now heads up the entire behavior health care facility and stopped seeing patients - and I liked her alot. Moreover, she seemed to immediately grasp my situation and what has been happening to me over the last 10 months of constant court hearings, threats of contempt charges and finally the TDO last week when I went into total melt down. In fact, she said anyone who had been through what I have been through would likely be feeling depressed and overwhelmed. We are going to try some different meds - since the ones I have been on did not prevent the melt down - and I will see a therapist at the same facility beginning next week. One of the issues I want to address with the therapist is the issue of the pain I feel from my older two children who for all apparent purposes have written me off. It hurts like a knife plunged into me.

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Truth be told, besides the constant financial stress, the most difficult aspect of the last 10 months has been the fact that two of my children have apparently written me off as if I never existed. One even accused me of "abandoning my family" when I came out. Never mind that I was told by the former wife to "go back in the closet and pretend nothing had ever happened or get out of the house." I can still picture the conversation where the ultimatum was given to me as we were standing in the garage of the big home we used to own. And this from someone with a doctoral level education in psychology who certainly knew or should have known what that action would mean for someone gay. It's an emotional death sentence of sorts and an invitation to suicide. Given this reality, I had little choice but to move out, or so I believed at the time when I was still plagued with religious based guilt over who I was/am.

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Since that date, I have done what I could to stay in touch with ALL of my children and given them as much financial support as I could, although for the last 10 months any dollar I gave to them was used against me in court by their mother. Did I abandon them? I think not. At least such was never my intention. Fortunately, my wonderful youngest daughter (pictured above)seems to grasp this reality. She has been a life saver and I treasure her so much.

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Amazingly, the boyfriend has not flinched in the least at paying for everything when I have gotten together with my children or more recently my youngest daughter and her boyfriend (a very sweet guy who treats her well as she deserves). Hopefully, the new therapist (my former therapist, Michael Perkins, has retired) can help me with this issue. Combined with the constant financial stress and court hearing harassment, it is something that at times continues to cause me to have fleeting thoughts that death would be less painful.

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NOTE TO READERS: I am NOT feeling suicidal, so do NOT call the Norfolk police as one dedicated reader did last week causing chaos at the Legends committee meeting and at my house that I rent out to tenants when police officers showed up. I am here at home with the boyfriend, so all is well - but I do thank whoever made that call for caring so much about me.