What Would You Do If Your Child Was Gay?

In follow up on a theme from yesterday, we have arrived in perhaps the most difficult time of the year for many in the LGBT community as they face either family acceptance or rejection.  Many of our friends who have experienced the latter or have no family close by, have gone on to create their own "family" and have moved on emotionally - one group of friends is having a large Thanksgiving dinner today (see image at left) at a friend's home that we affectionately call "the country club."  A new video from YouTube channel Culture Beats asks people from around the world, "what would you do if your child was gay?"  Some responses are encouraging, others are not.  As is always the case, religion is seemingly the evil that fuels anti-gay animus.  Towleroad looks at the video findings:

The people interviewed are both young and old and come from all different corners of the world.

Many indicated they would support their children if they were gay while others shared more disturbing reactions. A woman from Austria remarked, “You can’t do anything about it because it is not a decision he makes. He was born with this kind of orientation.” Meanwhile, a woman from the United Arab Emirates had almost the exact opposite reaction. “I will kill him,” she said.

An Irish couple touted their country’s recent nationwide referendum on same-sex marriage, saying they were very proud to be the first nation to pass marriage equality by a popular vote. Of having a gay son, the man from Ireland said, “I’d like to understand how he feels…I would wish that he could find happiness.”

A woman from the former Soviet republic of Georgia seemed to get it: “You cannot change him. He’ll live his life so let him live his life.” And, perhaps most surprisingly, a woman from Russia urged tolerance, saying, “God say that we can’t judge.”

One Iranian man, however, lamented the possibility of having a gay child, saying, “I would probably be sad…But maybe I would accept it in the end. You cannot get rid of your children. But I would not be happy, no.” And for a woman from Azerbaijan, she would “be very upset” and would consult a doctor to “see why he’s gay”–if it’s “his hormones, then it’s from God. If it’s because of society, then I will help him,” she said.

 My take away?  A world without religion would be a far, far better place.

Standing Up to Parental and Family Bigotry During the Holidays

The holidays can be a very sad and depressing time of year for many in the LGBT community who have experienced rejection and/or deliberate slights from family members because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.  More often than not, religious belief is used as a justification for the rejection and slights.  My first few holiday seasons after coming out were among the worse of my life and, candidly, I thought of suicide a great deal.  Thankfully, my situation changed markedly due in no small part from finally achieving self-acceptance and finding comfort in my own skin.  I am now married to a wonderful guy and I am in a good place with family members and my children.  Many are not as lucky as I have been.  But that does not mean that you must suffer your rejection in silence or lose your dignity.  A recent column in Out Magazine on a different subject (parental refusal to attend same sex weddings), to me, provides an example of how bigoted, self-centered parents and family members should be approached.  True, you may still face rejection, but at least you have retained your dignity and can set about building a new self-selected "family" with a clear conscience.  Here are some column excerpts:

Patrick’s rebuttal to his parents’ intolerance provides a stinging rebuke to the small-minded way in which, to this day, supposedly responsible adults can turn against their own.

Dear Mom and Dad,

It’s been 890 days since the day that you both decided not to partake in my wedding. I don’t know why it’s taken me this long to say anything about it. Perhaps I’ve been afraid of what the family will think, what the family might say. Or perhaps I’ve been afraid of losing even more of my wonderful, beautiful family, whom I think about day and night.

As not to keep anyone in the family excluded (any longer), I’m sending this letter to everyone involved. I want everyone to know what had happened on my last visit to you, before my beautiful, wonderful wedding. I’m not writing this letter in an act of vengeance (even though it feels like it is), but rather, I’m doing it because I’m tired of walking on eggshells around my siblings, godchildren, nephews and nieces. I’m tired of having to be “civil” with both of you, “for the sake of the family.”

I think it’s time that I told my side of the story to the family, as I’m sure you have already told yours. I want everything to be out in the open, so that I can feel like I have all of my dignity with me when I will undoubtedly see you at family gatherings—gatherings which I now would rather avoid if it means that either of you will be present; I have other ways of seeing my family.

By the time we left A & P, you started citing the bible, while unsuspecting shoppers were bustling about us, running their afternoon errands. And by the time we got back to the car, you’d mentioned your fear of an angel appearing to you, saying, “Stop praying for Patrick! He’s already in hell!” I knew then that it was time to go to my last resort and give an ultimatum which I never expected would be fulfilled.

I explained to you, simply and calmly, that if you (both) did not attend my wedding, you would not see me again after the wedding: no holidays, no birthdays, no hospitals, no funerals. What I heard next put me into a state of mild shock. You followed up, quickly and readily, with, “We know that! I talked to your dad last night and we already accept it! We said that we give you back to God!” I recall other things being said, which I’ll omit here. As I sat in shock—shock that you would rather never see me again than attend my wedding—you simply moved onto your next subject: “Well, I guess you don’t want to go to lunch anymore.” 

Mom and Dad: By not attending my wedding, you rejected me, and you rejected my husband, who is my own immediate family. I, in turn, reject anyone that rejects my family—out of dignity and respect for it. But I am offering resolution.

I will forgive you both for what you have done, if you, in front of the entire family (from youngest to eldest) admit that what you both did was wrong; admit that you both should have been at the wedding. Because I do think that what you both have done is shameful. You’ve torn a family apart. But what breaks my heart most is what this has done to the youngest in the family—the ones who were too young to know, or too young to understand what was going on. The ones whose only conclusion was perhaps “Patrick must be bad” or “He must have done something wrong because Grandma didn’t go to his wedding.” That is where I think you both should bear the shame, not me.

I want everyone to know everything. And maybe tonight, I’ll finally be able to sleep the whole night through.

For readers still struggling through the coming out process, hand on to the truth that there is noting wrong with you and that you have done nothing wrong. It is those who reject or condemn you that have committed the wrong. 

Add the Union Mission to "Charities" to Boycott This Holiday Season

For many the holiday season is a time of year to extend extra kindness and a helping hand to the less fortunate.  Sort of a time to be mindful of putting the parable of the Good Samaritan into action (not that this shouldn't be done year round).  Sadly, it is some of the "godly folk" who are the least inclined to overlook hate and prejudice and as a result, they refuse to help the needy who don't conform to their pernicious hate and fear based religious dogma.  It's if the put their idolatry of   selective Bible passages above living, breathing humans.  One such "charity" that should be avoided is the Union Mission where being gay or transgender disqualifies one from help in the form of housing and other aid.  As noted in connection with the Salvation Army and it's anti-gay policies, there are plenty of worthy charities that one can donate to.  Avoid those that place hate and bigotry over helping their fellow man.  Here are highlights from Think Progress on the Union Mission's bigotry:

The City Union Mission in Kansas City, Missouri boasts that it has provided as many as 165,121 beds in a given year for the homeless, but there is one group who will not have the same access: same-sex families. The shelter announced this week that married same-sex couples will not be allowed to stay together there like other married families do.

Executive Director Dan Doty explained to the Kansas City Star, “We are a Christian, faith-based organization that really does adhere to biblical standards. Our view is that it is inappropriate. Our intent is not to shelter same-sex couples together.”

City Union Mission does not receive any government funding, allowing it to run as a private organization that is not impacted by Kansas City’s civil rights ordinance. It is currently hoping for an influx of donations around the holidays because it is facing a $300,000 budget shortfall.

The shelter also has a policy that requires transgender people to dress according to the gender they were assigned at birth instead of the one they identify with.

Homelessness is particularly problematic for LGBT youth — which is what research has largely focused on — but LGBT people of all ages are generally more vulnerable to homelessness due to discrimination in both housing and employment, as well as lack of family support. As many as 30 percent of clients utilizing housing programs across the country identify as LGBT.

Yes, it's their club and they can set the rules.  But that does not mean the rest of us need to be financially supporting such bigoted organizations.  As seems to be so often the case, religious belief is used to justify evil conduct.

The Salvation Army's History of Anti-LGBT Discrimination

As we move into the beginnings of the holiday season, it is again good to be reminded that not all charities are worthy of support by the LGBT community.  One charity to be avoided is the Salvation Army which has a long history of anti-gay bigotry.  In short, there are many much more deserving charities that do not make LGBT discrimination one of their cornerstones. Here are highlights from a post at Huffington Post that merits a revisit as the holiday season nears:

In recent years, the Salvation Army has come under fire for its lengthy history of anti-LGBT political maneuvering and other incidents. The church has publicly articulated its belief that homosexuality is unacceptable, stating:

Scripture opposes homosexual practices by direct comment and also by clearly implied disapproval. The Bible treats such practices as self-evidently abnormal. ... Attempts to establish or promote such relationships as viable alternatives to heterosexually-based family life do not conform to God's will for society.

While such statements were recently removed from the Salvation Army's website, the church has yet to repudiate any of its explicitly anti-gay beliefs. And though these positions may seem to be limited to the group's internal doctrines, they've become a persistent element of the church's overtly political activities -- activities which have negatively impacted the Salvation Army's ability to provide charitable services, and have aimed to limit the rights and benefits of LGBT citizens in multiple nations.

"Without discrimination" -- myth or fact?

The Salvation Army has recently attempted to counter this perception of the church as homophobic, scrubbing explicitly anti-gay statements from its websites and issuing missives purportedly "debunking" the "myth" of its anti-LGBT stances.

Yet these efforts at cleaning up their image still fail to address the most substantial criticisms of the church's policies. The Salvation Army states that numerous clients at its soup kitchens and homeless shelters are members of the LGBT community, and that these individuals are served without discrimination. They further add: "The Salvation Army embraces employees of many different faiths and orientations and abides by all applicable anti-discrimination laws in its hiring."

These statements completely ignore the reality that the Salvation Army continues to maintain anti-gay theological stances, and continues to discriminate against its own employees and their partners. They also neglect to mention that the organization historically "abides" by anti-discrimination laws by way of shutting down services in areas where such laws apply. The Salvation Army has given no indication that it intends to change any of these anti-LGBT policies.

Supporting the Salvation Army this season, whether by tossing your change in their red kettles or donating your used goods to their resale shops, means assisting an aggressively anti-gay church in furthering its goals of discrimination. Would-be donors should consider whether "doing the most good" might mean supporting one of the many other effective and reputable charities that provide for the needy without engaging in anti-gay beliefs, policies, or political activities.

Holiday Weekend Images

UPDATED:  The dinner party was a great success.  It was the two of us, two other gay couples and four country club women.  Would that all Virginians were as progressive and accepting as our friends.

This weekend has been a social whirlwind, starting with Thanksgiving Day through today when the boyfriend and I are hosting a dinner party for a dear friend before she heads south to the Florida Keys for the winter.  We enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner at the Paradise Ocean Club at Ft. Monroe.  Since then we've been to events/dinner at the Hampton Yacht Club, the James  River Country Club, friends' homes and tonight dinner at home with 8 guests.  Here are a few photos:

View from out table at the Paradise Ocean Club

My youngest daughter and her family and yours truly

My granddaughter waiting for Thanksgiving Dinner to start

The table set and decorated for dinner tonight

I hope readers have had a wonderful weekend as well.

The War on the "War on Christmas" - A Case of Utterly Misplaced Priorities

Every holiday season the boyfriend - a/k/a "Martha Stewart" or "Mein Fuhrer" when he gets really bossy - decorates our house like, well Martha Stewart.  And when he's in serious decorating mode like he is today he puts on a radio station that plays nonstop holiday music which he sends throughout the house on the stereo system.  Some of the music is beautiful, some awful, and some thought provoking.  In the later category is a piece that has played several times so far today:  "Do They Know It's Christmas?" which was written by Bob Geldof and Midge Ure in 1984 to raise money for relief of the 1983–1985 famine in Ethiopia.  Among the lyrics are the following:

It's Christmastime, there's no need to be afraid
At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime

But say a prayer, Pray for the other ones
At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear

 Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

The lyrics then launch onto the refrain "feed the world."  If you watched the video above, most of the performers hardly meet the standards of the American Christofascists.  Indeed, the Tony Perkins and James Dobsons, and Pat Robertsons of the Christian Right likely view them as godless atheists or worse.  Yet the performers got the message that escapes the professional Christian crowd.

The contrast is damning.  What do we see from the Christianists and the professional Christian set?  Money being spent to fight the fabricated "war on Christmas" by retailers who merely have the decency to use the phrase "Happy Holidays" out of respect for their Jewish and non-Christian customers.  Worse yet, we have seen the Catholic Church, the Knights of Columbus and the National Organization for Marriage and similar groups expend millions and millions of dollars over the last few years to deprive LGBT citizens of full CIVIL law rights.  Oh, and let's not forget their dissemination of anti-gay hatred frighteningly similar to the model found in the Nazi propaganda against those of the Jewish faith in Europe.  Millions of dollars that could have and should have been expended feeding and caring for the starving populations across the globe or even the needy here in America.

It would seem that the lyrics "Do they know it's Christmastime at all?" better applies to those in the Christianist and Republican Party ranks who make a mockery of the Gospel message of Christ than it does to those still starving in Africa.   Christianity is becoming increasingly ugly and it is the "godly Christian" set who are turning it into something nothing short of evil. 

P.S. In a final irony, the 2011 Glee episode "Extraordinary Merry Christmas" featured a cover of the song performed by members of the show's cast - all net proceeds from the single have been donated to the Band Aid Trust.  Yet the Christianists describe Glee as "demonic."  Can we talk Christianist hypocrisy?

Christmas Eve Thoughts

It's not exactly Christmas like weather here in Hampton Roads (upper 50's). To be more in the winter time mood I posted a photo taken today at the lake -which has frozen over - where our summer house is in the Adirondacks. The law office closed Thursday evening and will reopen Tuesday morning. Not that it hasn't been hectic. We worked most of yesterday preparing for a family brunch today and an open house at our home on Christmas Day. Then we visited friends in Yorktown, then visited my 96 year old aunt in Virginia Beach before attending a holiday party hosted by friends in Ghent in Norfolk (I was "over served" in the course of the festivities. Today has been a whirlwind so far with the boyfriend and I hosting the brunch for his extended family and one of my daughters and her boyfriend. It was great seeing my daughter!

Next we are headed back to Virginia Beach for dinner with one of the boyfriend's long time clients and her family. After that, it will either be going to church or going to a favorite club that's open tonight. In some ways I think I'd have a more spiritual experience dancing at the club. We'll see.

Christmas Day, we are hosting an open house and should have a number of friends stopping by who either don't have family in the area or who may be looking for a break from family gatherings. On Monday, both my daughters and their boyfriends will be coming over and staying for dinner.

As the narrative above demonstrates, my holidays have improved immensely since the ones I experienced when I first came out. Those first couple of Christmas seasons were among the worse ones of my life. Thankfully, I failed in my suicide attempts and I'm around to enjoy the vastly better circumstances with which I am now blessed. My message to others making the coming out journey is that it does get better even if not at the pace we'd like. It's so very important to hang on to that truth even in the darkest hours. As alone as you may feel, it will not last forever. I'm living proof.

Fighting Holiday Loneliness

As I have noted before, early in my coming out journey, the holiday season was the worse time of the year for me. All I did was focus on what I'd lost - and the fact that I had not yet found anything meaningful to replace it. The fact that my late parents were totally accepting of me (admittedly something wonderful) did little to replace the emptiness. Separation from my children on days like Thanksgiving and Christmas only further aggravated the situation. In fact, for the first two years of my coming out journey, the holidays found me most often simply wanting to die.

From e-mails I have received over the course of the weekend, I know that there are many others in the dark place that I once inhabited too much of the time. A common complaint is that the formerly married gay man has left his marriage and now has no one in their life. The result is that they are terrified that they will be alone forever. This was certainly a common theme during my sessions with my therapist who nearly pulled his hair out at times when I was insistent that I could not survive if I was alone. In retrospect, his lectures that I needed to find a way to be happy and confident in myself even if I remained single forever were worthwhile. At the time, it was a message that I simply did NOT want to hear. The other thing that I've come to appreciate after the fact is the reality that if one is caught up in a constant pity party, you're not going to strike most people as attractive husband material. In fact, potential partners may discretely run from you.

Reaching that point of contentment with being alone, however, is easier said than done. I am frequently asked how I reached a point of being content with being alone if that were to be the hand I was dealt. that point. The answer is not easy to explain. But I will give it a shot for both those who have contacted me and others who have not but who are suffering quietly alone. One step in the process for me involved jumping prematurely into what in many ways was an utterly disastrous relationship. I won't go into all the gory details - old posts on this blog from the time period of the long overdue break up of that relationship have already done that. Suffice it to say, I finally came to see that being alone was far better than being immersed in a dysfunctional relationship that carried constant high drama.

Concurrent with the break up, I found ways to be busy and around people even though I did not have a significant other. At the time, HRBOR (www.hrbor.org) was newly launched and I immersed myself in building the organization. I had one gay couple that remain the best of friends and often I'd simply hang out with them rather than stay home alone. Involvement in the Legends Committee for Equality Virginia's fall fundraiser likewise was a means to (1) stay busy and (2) meet new people within the LGBT community. This blog also provided a means to have a "cyberspace family" that I could communicate with daily. Through these efforts and others, I was able to see that I had a purpose in my life and that I could participate in making a difference. It all sort of jelled and I came to believe that I could have a full and purposeful life even if I never found "Mr. Right." The result was that guys came to see me - rightly or wrongly - as "having my shit together" and being someone self-confident and self-sufficient. In short, someone who was husband material. And guess what, that's when I met my current partner of over 3 years.

Was the process along the way fun and easy? Not at all much of the time and I was often outside my comfort zone in a major way. I had to force myself to stay engaged at times, but in the long run, it was worth every moment of effort and/or discomfort. And my message to other in the dark places I once knew too well is that you CAN make the transition too. I'm proof that it can be done.

Why You Shouldn't Donate to the Salvation Army Bell Ringers

I've written about this topic before, but as we head into the holiday season it's worth stressing that some charities such as the Salvation Army are NOT worthy of our donations. Yes, the organization's web site pretends to be accepting regardless of one's sexual orientation, but as my friend, Bilerico Project editor Bil Browning, notes in a recent blog post, actions speak far louder than words. With many, many worthy charities that do not engage in religious based anti-LGBT discrimination, there is no excuse for donating funds to the Salvation Army. I have absolutely no problem walking right on by the donation kettles. The bigger challenge is to not say what I really think. Here are highlights from Bil's post:

As the holidays approach, the Salvation Army bell ringers are out in front of stores dunning shoppers for donations. If you care about gay rights, you'll skip their bucket in favor of a charity that doesn't actively discriminate against the LGBT community.

The Salvation Army has a history of active discrimination against gays and lesbians. While you might think you're helping the hungry and homeless by dropping a few dollars in the bright red buckets, not everyone can share in the donations. Many LGBT people are rejected by the evangelical church charity because they're "sexually impure."

The church claims it holds "a positive view of human sexuality," but then clarifies that "sexual intimacy is understood as a gift of God to be enjoyed within the context of heterosexual marriage." The Salvation Army doesn't believe that gays and lesbians should ever know the intimacy of any loving relationship, instead teaching that "Christians whose sexual orientation is primarily or exclusively same-sex are called upon to embrace celibacy as a way of life."

On its webpage, the group claims that "the services of The Salvation Army are available to all who qualify, without regard to sexual orientation." While the words are nice, their actions speak volumes. They blatantly ignore the position statement and deny LGBT people services unless they renounce their sexuality, end same-sex relationships, or, in some cases, attend services "open to all who confess Christ as Savior and who accept and abide by The Salvation Army's doctrine and discipline." In other words, if you're gay or lesbian, you don't qualify.

The organization also has a record of actively lobbying governments worldwide for anti-gay policies - including an attempt to make consensual gay sex illegal. (Yes, you're paying lobbyists with those donations.)

Since 1986 the Salvation Army has engaged in five major assaults on the LGBT community's civil rights and attempted to carve out exemptions that would allow them to deny gays and lesbians needed services as well as employment.

***When New Zealand considered passage of the Homosexual Law Reform Act in 1986, the Salvation Army collected signatures in an attempt to get the legislation killed. The act decriminalized consensual sex between gay men. The measure passed over the charity's objections.

***In the United Kingdom, the Salvation Army actively pushed passage of an amendment to the Local Government Act. The amendment stated that local authorities "shall not intentionally promote homosexuality or publish material with the intention of promoting homosexuality" or "promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship." The law has since been repealed, but it led many schools and colleges to close LGBT student organizations out of fear they'd lose their government funding.

***In 2001, the organization tried to extract a resolution from the White House that they could ignore local non-discrimination laws that protected LGBT people. While the commitment would have applied to all employees, the group claimed that it needed the resolution so it "did not have to ordain sexually active gay ministers and did not have to provide medical benefits to the same-sex partners of employees." After lawmakers and civil rights activists revealed the Salvation Army's active resistance to non-discrimination laws, the White House admitted the charity was seeking the exemptions.

***Also in 2001, the evangelical charity actively lobbied to change how the Bush administration would distribute over $24 billion in grants and tax deductions by urging the White House deny funding to any cities or states that included LGBT non-discrimination laws. Ari Fleischer, White House press secretary, issued a statement saying the administration was denying a "regulation sought by the church to protect the right of taxpayer-funded religious organizations to discriminate against homosexuals."

In 2004, the Salvation Army threatened to close all their soup kitchens in New York City to protest the city's decision to require all vendors and charities doing business with the city to adhere to all civil rights laws. The organization balked at having to treat gay employees equal to straight employees.

I've seen the discrimination the Salvation Army preaches first hand. When a former boyfriend and I were homeless, the Salvation Army insisted we break up before they'd offer assistance. We slept on the street instead and declined to break up as they demanded.

Instead of donating to the Salvation Army, choose a different charity that will help everyone without prejudice. Find a local secular charity - or here are some national organizations that provide help to anyone who needs it.

Amen to Bil's recommendations. Give your hard earned money to non-discrimiatory charities and hopefully in time the Salvation Army will "see the light" or wither away and cease being a cesspool of bigotry.

Why People Should Not Give to the Salvation Army

As we move into the holidays, it is appropriate to again remember that one should walk past the Salvation Army's collection kettles without tossing in any form of contribution. The organization is decidedly discriminatory against LGBT citizens and vigorously endorse the deprivation of equal civil rights to LGBT Americans. I have made a point now for years to toss any mailings I receive from the Salvation Army directly into the trash and I most certainly do not throw coins or bills into the collection kettles all to frequently found in front of various shopping outlets. Bil Browning has a piece at The Bilerico Project that underscores why the Salvation Army should be shunned by LGBT individuals and their straight allies. Bigotry needs to carry a financial price. There are plenty of non-discriminatory charities that are far more deserving of your money and other contributions. Here are highlights from Bil's piece:
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In case you've forgotten, the holiday season is fast upon us. That means the Salvation Army bell ringers will be out in full force dunning shoppers for donations meant to help the needy and destitute. Unfortunately, the Salvation Army won't assist everyone - only those they deem sufficiently worthy.
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While many think of the group as just another charity, in truth the group is a religious sect that is notoriously anti-gay; you shouldn't give to the Salvation Army this holiday season if you support gay rights.
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Check out the video . . . for a laundry list of anti-gay policies and positions the Salvation Army has taken. You'll probably be shocked - and you definitely won't put any more coins in those big red buckets.

For LGBT Americans, Holidays Can Be a Time of Added Stress

I have shared with readers the fact that I do not like the Holiday Season in many ways and often find it to be a time where I find myself battling sadness. Many other LGBT individuals find it equally bad or even fer worse if they have been disowned by their families because of their sexual orientation. I know a number of individuals in this latter category who have been cut off from family for many years. As a parent myself, I truly cannot understand how one can have such a warped mindset as to disown their own child. To me, it says much more negative about the parent than the LGBT child. Sadly, it is typically a toxic version of religion that leads parents to act this way - yet another example as a force for evil rather than good. The Chicago Tribune has a story that looks at this difficult season from the perspective of many LGBT Americans. Here are some highlights:

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Even after he turned 20, Justin Herren viewed Christmas with childlike wonderment. Back at his family's home in Tennessee, he and his brother and sister -- all three grown up -- would rise before dawn to open presents, just like they did as kids. The family would sing carols around their mother's piano, soak in a tree trimmed with long-familiar ornaments and reconnect over an elaborate feast.
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But when Herren was 22, he sat his family down and told them he is gay. At that moment, the holiday he loves was forever altered. Five years on, he and his father still barely speak. His mother doesn't want to hear about his life in Chicago. Instead of a four- or five-night Christmas stay, he flies in for a night and leaves the next day. "We're able to be around each other, but it's just tense," said Herren, now 27. "To be honest, I'd rather be in a place with people who are happy to have me around, rather than just tolerating me."
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While many view the holidays with a certain amount of familial anxiety, people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender often face a wide array of additional stressors. Some aren't out of the closet -- or have told only a sibling or two -- and spend the holiday keeping a whole part of their life and personality locked away. Others must manage parents who don't approve of their sexuality. And some must be apart from their partner because of unaccepting relatives.
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"You have all the built-up family expectations and the mythology of the holidays, you have the regular family drama, plus this," said Lisa Gilmore, a counselor at the Center on Halsted, a GLBT community center in Lakeview. "There's this added tension relating to a family member's identity, there's anxiety over secret-keeping." "The holidays are a lot about fantasy," Gilmore said. "For some, there can be a deep grief and sense of loss over the shattering of that fantasy. For others, it's knowing that the holidays are always going to be this hard, thinking, 'Something about my identity is always going to be a problem.' "
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That's what it's like for Ben Gannon, 24, of Chicago, who still returns to his family's home in rural Washington state every Christmas. His father is a conservative Christian minister who, along with his mother, has been unable to accept that Gannon is gay, even though he came out at age 19. "I was informed of the impact I'd had on the family by coming out," Gannon said. "So at Christmas, it's a bit of a Cold War. I don't talk about my sexuality, I don't talk specifically about my life. It's a part of my life they just can't handle."
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Germaine McGlun was born and raised in Chicago. She's 54, and this Christmas she'll surround herself with friends at a celebration the Center on Halsted is hosting. She has vivid memories of Christmastime growing up, from the smell of home cooking to the excitement of being surrounded by loved ones.
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"They're my family, I love them," Gannon said. "Ideally, I would love to spend Christmas with them as myself. But right now, I just can't do that."
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What strikes me as a constant in stories like this is that the parents/family are more concerned about themselves rather than their child. They worry about "what will people think" and cling to out dated and false views about sexual orientation. Love is love whether it be between and man and woman or two people of the same sex.

Holiday Doldrums-2009

I know that I am not alone in this phenomenon, but the Thanksgiving through New Year's holiday season is all too typically depressing for me. Feelings of the need to exhibit forced cheerfulness and gaiety certainly do not help matters. I tend to think of lost opportunities, past mistakes, happier times past, lost relatives and worse of all my abandonment by my two older children. My son (pictured above in 2004 at Whistler, BC) has gone back to Washington State and I do not even know how to contact him. As for my oldest daughter, we have had no contact since late May. Thankfully, my youngest remains in contact and in fact is working for me part time so I get to see her almost every weekday. She truly doesn't know how much her faith in me has meant and helped me avoid the unthinkable to date.

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I know full well that there was no way that I could have gone on living in the closet racked with self-hate and loathing. Plus, in retrospect, I was in a very dysfunctional marriage where my happiness was never allowed on the radar screen (I existed merely to make others happy, never myself)- all of which led me to be a very angry and unhappy person. Suicide would have been an absolute certainty if I had pursued the course of remaining in the closet. And yet, doing the right thing - indeed the necessary thing - and coming out has been anything but an easy journey. I know that am very blessed with a wonderful man in my life who treasurers me more than anyone in my life ever has before, but the sadness still often remains at times just beneath the surface. My therapist yesterday asked if I allowed myself to slide back into the old habit of putting on a pleasing facade for others in the pretense that all is well. Perhaps I do on occasion, but overall I can never return to that way of living.

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This blog has been a life saving therapy for me. It allows me to vent feelings and most importantly vent anger and rage at a screwed up society where those who are different than the majority - in the case of gays, due to noncompliance with Christianist religious dogma - all too often suffer the consequences. It's ironic that those who claim to honor the sanctity of life go out of their way to make so many miserable. Are things changing for the better? I believe so, but surely not at the pace I would want. I want as few future generations to experience the crap that so many of us older gays knew growing up where the closet seemed the only viable option. We did nothing wrong and are merely as God made us, yet because of that, life has been far, far more difficult than it should have been.

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I will survive another holiday season and this weekend will be busy with us joining the boyfriend's extended family on Thanksgiving - we had been scheduled to host, but the flood derailed that plan - and working away packing up everything remaining on the first floor before demolition and repairs get underway. We will also be installing a new floor in the styling area of the boyfriend's salon. Scatter throughout will be some evening social affairs with friends. Life goes on.

Holiday Season Blues

I know that the Holiday season is supposed to be joyous, yet most years I find myself in depression. Work usually involves year end chaos and worries over money. With the free fall in the housing market, residential work is way down and cash flow with it. Hence this year is worse than most. In addition, clients want you to work around their schedules, yet often care nothing of your attempts to have a life. There are days I almost would prefer to not wake up.

On the other hand, the divorce is finally done, my kids are reconciling with me, and my son recovered from his accident, so I have some things to be happy about as the year closes. Yet I find that I have a strong melancholy that I cannot shake. With the 24th and 31st being work days – I am closing a commercial deal on the 31st, in fact - it makes going out of town difficult. I guess I also am finding myself thinking of last year when my ex (who I still very much care about even if we do better living apart) and I spent Christmas at my mom’s place. There is no one special in my life this year – no one even on the horizon.

The roommates are staying in town and they may want to do something on Christmas if I am in town. One of them is not out to his conservative parents and I doubt he'd want to leave the other by himself. They are sweet guys (cute too) and having them around has lessened the loneliness. My best friends, Christopher and Martin, will be out of town (Christopher wants to be somewhere else since this is the first Christmas without his mom and they do not want to go to Marty’s family since his parents – at least his mother - is not very accepting of their relationship even though they got married in Canada last July), so doing anything with them is not an option. I guess I need to decide something soon!!