I know that I am not alone in this phenomenon, but the Thanksgiving through New Year's holiday season is all too typically depressing for me. Feelings of the need to exhibit forced cheerfulness and gaiety certainly do not help matters. I tend to think of lost opportunities, past mistakes, happier times past, lost relatives and worse of all my abandonment by my two older children. My son (pictured above in 2004 at Whistler, BC) has gone back to Washington State and I do not even know how to contact him. As for my oldest daughter, we have had no contact since late May. Thankfully, my youngest remains in contact and in fact is working for me part time so I get to see her almost every weekday. She truly doesn't know how much her faith in me has meant and helped me avoid the unthinkable to date.*
I know full well that there was no way that I could have gone on living in the closet racked with self-hate and loathing. Plus, in retrospect, I was in a very dysfunctional marriage where my happiness was never allowed on the radar screen (I existed merely to make others happy, never myself)- all of which led me to be a very angry and unhappy person. Suicide would have been an absolute certainty if I had pursued the course of remaining in the closet. And yet, doing the right thing - indeed the necessary thing - and coming out has been anything but an easy journey. I know that am very blessed with a wonderful man in my life who treasurers me more than anyone in my life ever has before, but the sadness still often remains at times just beneath the surface. My therapist yesterday asked if I allowed myself to slide back into the old habit of putting on a pleasing facade for others in the pretense that all is well. Perhaps I do on occasion, but overall I can never return to that way of living.
*
This blog has been a life saving therapy for me. It allows me to vent feelings and most importantly vent anger and rage at a screwed up society where those who are different than the majority - in the case of gays, due to noncompliance with Christianist religious dogma - all too often suffer the consequences. It's ironic that those who claim to honor the sanctity of life go out of their way to make so many miserable. Are things changing for the better? I believe so, but surely not at the pace I would want. I want as few future generations to experience the crap that so many of us older gays knew growing up where the closet seemed the only viable option. We did nothing wrong and are merely as God made us, yet because of that, life has been far, far more difficult than it should have been.
*
I will survive another holiday season and this weekend will be busy with us joining the boyfriend's extended family on Thanksgiving - we had been scheduled to host, but the flood derailed that plan - and working away packing up everything remaining on the first floor before demolition and repairs get underway. We will also be installing a new floor in the styling area of the boyfriend's salon. Scatter throughout will be some evening social affairs with friends. Life goes on.
5 comments:
Hola Michael, ¿Qué tal?, hacía tiempo que no me pasaba por aquí, pero bueno. Sí, ser gay es muy difícil, yo también sueño con un futuro mejor para las próximas generaciones de gays. Una sociedad que no nos maltrate y persiga más. La soledad siempre ha sido nuestra eterna y maldita compañera, que a veces nos puede llevar hasta el paroxismo de terminar de una vez con nuestro sufrimiento. Son muchos los que nos dan la espalda, es una eterna tragedia, a unos los echan de casa, a otros nuestros amigos y familiares nos retiran el habla, a otros infortunados esta hipócrita sociedad los señala y los convierte en blanco a destruir marginar y exterminar. Es tanto la rabia y la frustración que siente por esto, que tal como dice uno de nuestros mejores escritores en la lengua de Cervantes (Español):
"A veces pienso en lo afortunado, o lo sólido, o lo entero, que debe de ser un homosexual que consigue llegar a los cuarenta sin odiar desaforadamente a esta sociedad hipócrita, obsesionada por averiguar, juzgar y condenar con quién se mete, o no se mete, en la cama. Envidio la ecuanimidad, la sangre fría, de quien puede mantenerse sereno y seguir viviendo como si tal cosa, sin rencor, a lo suyo, en vez de echarse a la calle a volarle los huevos a la gente que por activa o por pasiva ha destrozado su vida, y sigue destrozando la de los chicos de catorce o quince años que a diario, todavía hoy, siguen teniéndolo igual que él lo tuvo: las mismas angustias, los mismos chistes de maricones en la tele, el mismo desprecio alrededor, la misma soledad y la misma amargura."
"Envidio la lucidez y la calma de quienes, a pesar de todo, se mantienen fieles a sí mismos, sin estridencias pero también sin complejos, seres humanos por encima de todo. Gente que en tiempos como éstos, cuando todo el mundo, partidos, comunidades, grupos sociales, reivindica sus correspondientes deudas históricas, podría argumentar, con más derecho que muchos, la deuda impagada de tantos años de adolescencia perdidos, tantos golpes y vejaciones sufridas sin haber cometido jamás delito alguno, tanta rechifla y tanta afrenta grosera infligida por gentuza que, no ya en lo intelectual, sino en lo puramente humano, se encuentra a un nivel abyecto, muy por debajo del suyo. Pensaba en todo eso mientras el barquito cruzaba la laguna y la pareja se mantenía inmóvil, el uno contra el otro, hombro con hombro. Y antes de volver a lo mío y olvidarlos, me pregunté cuantos fantasmas atormentados, cuántas infelices almas errantes no habrían dado cualquier cosa, incluso la vida, por estar en su lugar. Por estar allí, en Venecia, dándose calor en aquella fría tarde de sus vidas."
Se me olvidó el añadir el nombre de nuestro escritor: Arturo Perez Reverte (este comentario no es necesario que lo publiques).
michael: you give voice, eloquently as always, to the feelings of many; certainly mine. If the calendar suddenly jumped from tomorrow, the day before thanksgiving, to jan. 2, 2010, you would not hear any complaint from me. now need to focus on something or some persons other than myself, this thurs. and in the weeks of dec. jon
Happy Thanksgiving to you, the BF, mom and all the readers of Micheal In Norfolk
Michael, Thanks for sharing that story. As I progress on my journey my worst fear is rejection by my kids (I have 4). I glad your daughter is standing by you. Hopefully, one day, she can facilitate a reconnection with the other 2.
Try to enjoy the time with those that are still close to you and have a happy holiday.
-jim
Post a Comment