Fighting Holiday Loneliness

As I have noted before, early in my coming out journey, the holiday season was the worse time of the year for me. All I did was focus on what I'd lost - and the fact that I had not yet found anything meaningful to replace it. The fact that my late parents were totally accepting of me (admittedly something wonderful) did little to replace the emptiness. Separation from my children on days like Thanksgiving and Christmas only further aggravated the situation. In fact, for the first two years of my coming out journey, the holidays found me most often simply wanting to die.

From e-mails I have received over the course of the weekend, I know that there are many others in the dark place that I once inhabited too much of the time. A common complaint is that the formerly married gay man has left his marriage and now has no one in their life. The result is that they are terrified that they will be alone forever. This was certainly a common theme during my sessions with my therapist who nearly pulled his hair out at times when I was insistent that I could not survive if I was alone. In retrospect, his lectures that I needed to find a way to be happy and confident in myself even if I remained single forever were worthwhile. At the time, it was a message that I simply did NOT want to hear. The other thing that I've come to appreciate after the fact is the reality that if one is caught up in a constant pity party, you're not going to strike most people as attractive husband material. In fact, potential partners may discretely run from you.

Reaching that point of contentment with being alone, however, is easier said than done. I am frequently asked how I reached a point of being content with being alone if that were to be the hand I was dealt. that point. The answer is not easy to explain. But I will give it a shot for both those who have contacted me and others who have not but who are suffering quietly alone. One step in the process for me involved jumping prematurely into what in many ways was an utterly disastrous relationship. I won't go into all the gory details - old posts on this blog from the time period of the long overdue break up of that relationship have already done that. Suffice it to say, I finally came to see that being alone was far better than being immersed in a dysfunctional relationship that carried constant high drama.

Concurrent with the break up, I found ways to be busy and around people even though I did not have a significant other. At the time, HRBOR (www.hrbor.org) was newly launched and I immersed myself in building the organization. I had one gay couple that remain the best of friends and often I'd simply hang out with them rather than stay home alone. Involvement in the Legends Committee for Equality Virginia's fall fundraiser likewise was a means to (1) stay busy and (2) meet new people within the LGBT community. This blog also provided a means to have a "cyberspace family" that I could communicate with daily. Through these efforts and others, I was able to see that I had a purpose in my life and that I could participate in making a difference. It all sort of jelled and I came to believe that I could have a full and purposeful life even if I never found "Mr. Right." The result was that guys came to see me - rightly or wrongly - as "having my shit together" and being someone self-confident and self-sufficient. In short, someone who was husband material. And guess what, that's when I met my current partner of over 3 years.

Was the process along the way fun and easy? Not at all much of the time and I was often outside my comfort zone in a major way. I had to force myself to stay engaged at times, but in the long run, it was worth every moment of effort and/or discomfort. And my message to other in the dark places I once knew too well is that you CAN make the transition too. I'm proof that it can be done.

Older Gays - The Fear of Coming Out

A new study in Ireland yields results that I suspect apply in many of the so-called "red states" in the United States - fear on the part of older gays to "come out." Indeed, many remain basically in the closet and forgo meaningful relationships because of their fear of rejection by friends, neighbors or family. It's a sad situation and I've met a number of men in the Hampton Roads area who cannot overcome the fear factor. They are reduced to chatting online and maybe an occasional lunch or dinner out with people, but the rest of the time their lives are in the closet. I've known a couple who were interested in me, but the last thing I wanted to do after my difficult coming out journey was to get involved with someone where I'd be the "dirty secret" and hidden from most of aspects of their lives. It may sound harsh, but if your family will not accept you for who you are, perhaps you are better off without them. I'd also add that family members who will not accept one for being gay - usually out of THEIR own embarrassment rather than real concern for the gay relative - give new meaning to the word selfish in my opinion. Yes, fear of rejection is strong - I've known it myself - but remaining in the closet is forfeiting much of one's life. Here are highlights from the Irish Times on the findings:

MORE THAN one-third of older gay people fear they will be rejected by friends and family if they disclose their sexual orientation, new research shows.

The findings – part of the first major study into the experiences of gay people over 55 in Ireland – highlight ongoing challenges faced by those who feel they cannot live openly in society.

Most went through their adolescence and early adulthood without disclosing their sexuality.

While most respondents are comfortable with their identity, 28 per cent are not out to any neighbours and 10 per cent are not out to any of their close family members.

The study shows that while coming out gave individuals greater freedom, it also includes varying consequences ranging from acceptance, to denial to complete rejection. Some 26 per cent of respondents had been married and faced major difficulties making the decision to come out to their spouse and children.

There is also significant isolation among older gay people. Some 46 per cent of older gay people live alone, compared to just 15 per cent among the general over-55 population.

One case study cited in the article hit home with me since there was a long period I could not even "come out " to myself:

CASE STUDY: "I COULDN'T COME OUT, EVEN TO MYSELF"

EDDIE PARSONS is 66. As a young man he was a member of a religious order for a few years, before he left to marry a girl with whom he fell madly in love. He went on to father two children. Then, just a couple of years ago, he revealed he was gay.

“Sometimes you have to go to extremes before you change yourself,” says Parsons. “I had always felt I was hiding something. I was scared. I couldn’t come out, even to myself. I was trapped. I had to conform to the image I had created, but it was destroying me.”

He had been an English and art teacher for 20 years, but ended up losing his job as a result of depression. His relationship with his wife was fraying badly. After feeling suicidal, he went into hospital. That’s when his life turned around.

His marriage was annulled, which was extremely painful for both of them. But the reaction of friends was almost completely positive. His children were supportive and accepted his sexuality.

All in all, he feels he has blossomed over the past few years. “I now feel I can be myself in a safe way in society. My children are so glad that I’m no longer depressed. That’s so important for them. I’m genuinely happy. Sometimes I wonder, ‘how long is this going to continue?’ ”

“Coming out takes courage, because there can be negative effects. But often they are only in our own heads. For me, all I can say is it’s been a very positive experience.”

Ambrose Olson - RIP

I have featured photos of male model Ambrose Olson (pictured above) in prior "Male Beauty" posts and was greatly sadden to learn that he died last week at age 24 - some rumors say of suicide. As long time readers know, suicide is an issue that hits a bit too close to home for me since I have lost friends to suicide and have had a couple of very close encounters of my own, the last being in late September 2009. If indeed Ambrose Olson took his own life, I hope he has found peace that he obviously sought/needed. Obviously, one has to wonder what would drive someone young a beautiful to such an act, but then we never know what is in the heart and mind of others. My thoughts and prayers go out to those who loved him and who now no doubt look back and wish they had done more or done things differently. The message to be learned is that we need to live each day in the moment and love others unconditionally. We truly never know when death might take any one of us and we need to live our lives accordingly. Let those you love know how much you love them and cherish them each and every day. It is a message that I wish I had fully known many years ago.

Another Glowing Review of "A Single Man" - Life's Relevancy

I have yet to see Tom Ford's movie, A Single Man, but most definitely want to do so - right now it is only showing at one theater in Virginia Beach which is about 25 miles from the house. Given this area's social backwardness, it is likely to not be shown at many theaters due to its gay theme. Dan Siegel has a review at Huffington Post that makes the movie sound both wonderful and relevant. Indeed, it sounds like it has themes that many of us who have come out later in life go through, even if sometimes unknowingly as we endeavor to create new lies yet are haunted by the past as well. In addition to the freedom gained by coming out, there is nonetheless a mourning of what is gone. The past is gone, yet we have not yet to fully replace it and the future can look at times like a dark void full of loneliness. I for one admit that I often miss out on the beauty of life as I struggle with dealing with the daily crap that confronts me and I forget that tomorrow can/will be better. Living in and savoring the moment is not always easy, but it certainly can boost the quality of life. Especially since we do not know how many tomorrows there will be. Here are some review highlights:

*
A Single Man has garnered Colin Firth his first Oscar nomination, and praise for fashion designer-turned movie director Tom Ford. Too bad the film was overlooked as a best picture contender. This movie deserves your viewing for Firth's magnificent (and indeed Oscar-worthy) performance in a wrenching yet life affirming story of love and loss.
*
The film follows George on his final day as he meticulously plans to end his life. We are taken on a series of encounters with those who color his decision: his closest friend and gal pal Charley (Julianne Moore), a Spanish street hustler, and an infatuated young male student who senses his pain and loneliness. Writer-director Ford finely details the invisibility of gay life in post-War America, portraying a man who lives in a glass house but cannot be seen much less understood in a 1950s culture defined by conformity and gripped by fear.
*
Firth provides a masterful performance of grief locked in the closet, most notably when informed by phone that he is not invited to the "family-only" funeral of his lover. . . . These stories, told through the magical powers of cinema, capture the twin truths of the human condition: loneliness and the search for meaning, and the often unseen beauty that surrounds us.
*
In the case of A Single Man, we observe a gay man unable to publicly mourn loss, thus denied closure and renewal. Firth's restrained voice-over narrative of his inner thoughts adds great poignancy to his predicament.
*
Some have criticized the film for being too art-directed and stylized by a fashion designer director. This frankly misses the point, as one's final day of remembering the past and seeing life before departing is well-suited to an idealized or hyper-real treatment. Or as one character declares in the film: "Sometimes, awful things have their own kind of beauty."

Middle of the Night Depression

Tonight is one of those nights when I wonder why I bother to try to soldier on. I put on a brave front much of the time and stay busy with work, this blog, and various activities. But every now and then, I just cannot pull out my depression. At least I don’t have any prescription sleeping pills or other things lying around – I might be tempted. I think once you have tried to overdose, the chances of doing it again are increased. Somehow the fear or whatever you want to call it is lessened.

It’s funny. The evening started out alright as I worked a fundraiser for Make a Wish Foundation – the Ghent Bar Tour with 12 participating local bars/restaurants in the Ghent neighborhood. My volunteer station was at a restaurant called The Boot. Lots of cute guys (mostly straight) came through during the evening. And, since we volunteers were dealing cards for a form of poker for the participants in the bar tour (prizes were awarded at the end of the evening), we ended up with patrons buying us drinks.

In any event, I got on a definite buzz and went out dancing to work off the drinks. All the smiling couples around me made my loneliness come crashing down upon me even more and made me think that I am fated to be alone forever. A few more drinks did nothing to lighten my mood. So here I am at the computer venting my frustration and unhappiness. I know intellectually that no relationship is better than a bad relationship. Yet, sleeping alone with no one to hold and snuggle against or share my life with gets me down at times. I guess I will sign off now. I will hopefully be more cheerful in the morning.

Tuesday Thoughts

It may seem crazy, but learning of Heath Ledger’s possible suicide has left me feeling rather shaken. I’m not sure why exactly – perhaps because it has brought thoughts of my own near successful deliberate drug over dose flooding back over me. The thoughts of futility, hopelessness and the feeling of mental, spiritual and physical exhaustion that I experienced at that time have been put behind me, at least for the most part, so that I am in a much different place than I was on that afternoon. Yet, I still can feel the comforting sense of drifting off into a black weightlessness of sorts, with no awareness of what was going on around me as the ER personnel worked on me to bring me back. Thinking about it scares me now. Really scares me. But I cannot help but imagine what Ledger might have felt as he drifted off, if indeed he deliberately over dosed. It is so very sad that no one was there to save him in time. I was lucky.

My sense of sadness perhaps also arises from thoughts of three former friends who committed suicide, plus my former b/f, RH’s, brother who took his own life. The two friends from my teen years took this route I believe because they never seemed to overcome the horror of their experiences in Vietnam. I guess they just wanted the horrors to stop and did not know what else to do. Another friend killed himself because he could not accept being gay or reconcile it with his religious background. All of them were overcome with a sense of hopelessness and, no doubt loneliness.

I know that at least a couple of my readers have felt themselves close to this level of hopelessness at times (you know who you are). I sincerely hope that they will fight the urge to just surrender. As my therapist stressed over and over to me, what appears bleak and beyond bearable can change overnight. Also, none of us knows what role we may have yet to play in the world or the lives of others – how tragic if one were to exit before their time. Clearly, at the time of my suicide attempt I was not thinking this. But in retrospect, it makes me think of the lyrics from one of Jackson Browne’s 1974 songs: “And somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go may lie a reason you were alive, but you’ll never know.” Please hang in there my friends.