Older Gays - The Fear of Coming Out

A new study in Ireland yields results that I suspect apply in many of the so-called "red states" in the United States - fear on the part of older gays to "come out." Indeed, many remain basically in the closet and forgo meaningful relationships because of their fear of rejection by friends, neighbors or family. It's a sad situation and I've met a number of men in the Hampton Roads area who cannot overcome the fear factor. They are reduced to chatting online and maybe an occasional lunch or dinner out with people, but the rest of the time their lives are in the closet. I've known a couple who were interested in me, but the last thing I wanted to do after my difficult coming out journey was to get involved with someone where I'd be the "dirty secret" and hidden from most of aspects of their lives. It may sound harsh, but if your family will not accept you for who you are, perhaps you are better off without them. I'd also add that family members who will not accept one for being gay - usually out of THEIR own embarrassment rather than real concern for the gay relative - give new meaning to the word selfish in my opinion. Yes, fear of rejection is strong - I've known it myself - but remaining in the closet is forfeiting much of one's life. Here are highlights from the Irish Times on the findings:

MORE THAN one-third of older gay people fear they will be rejected by friends and family if they disclose their sexual orientation, new research shows.

The findings – part of the first major study into the experiences of gay people over 55 in Ireland – highlight ongoing challenges faced by those who feel they cannot live openly in society.

Most went through their adolescence and early adulthood without disclosing their sexuality.

While most respondents are comfortable with their identity, 28 per cent are not out to any neighbours and 10 per cent are not out to any of their close family members.

The study shows that while coming out gave individuals greater freedom, it also includes varying consequences ranging from acceptance, to denial to complete rejection. Some 26 per cent of respondents had been married and faced major difficulties making the decision to come out to their spouse and children.

There is also significant isolation among older gay people. Some 46 per cent of older gay people live alone, compared to just 15 per cent among the general over-55 population.

One case study cited in the article hit home with me since there was a long period I could not even "come out " to myself:

CASE STUDY: "I COULDN'T COME OUT, EVEN TO MYSELF"

EDDIE PARSONS is 66. As a young man he was a member of a religious order for a few years, before he left to marry a girl with whom he fell madly in love. He went on to father two children. Then, just a couple of years ago, he revealed he was gay.

“Sometimes you have to go to extremes before you change yourself,” says Parsons. “I had always felt I was hiding something. I was scared. I couldn’t come out, even to myself. I was trapped. I had to conform to the image I had created, but it was destroying me.”

He had been an English and art teacher for 20 years, but ended up losing his job as a result of depression. His relationship with his wife was fraying badly. After feeling suicidal, he went into hospital. That’s when his life turned around.

His marriage was annulled, which was extremely painful for both of them. But the reaction of friends was almost completely positive. His children were supportive and accepted his sexuality.

All in all, he feels he has blossomed over the past few years. “I now feel I can be myself in a safe way in society. My children are so glad that I’m no longer depressed. That’s so important for them. I’m genuinely happy. Sometimes I wonder, ‘how long is this going to continue?’ ”

“Coming out takes courage, because there can be negative effects. But often they are only in our own heads. For me, all I can say is it’s been a very positive experience.”