LGBT Youth Continue to Lack Social Support

Growing up gay is not easy, especially at younger ages when one does not even know the term for who one is.  All you know is that you are different even if one cannot describe or quantify the difference.  As one gets older, the disconnect grows stronger and, in my case, high school was a nightmare, as I tried to hide my innate difference.  Today, things are far better for many LGBT youth, but for many others, little has changed over the last 50 years.  While there are now LGBT role models and celebrities and some schools have gay-straight alliances, church and family expectations and anti-gay bigotry still make lives of many LGBT youth a living hell.  Indeed, estimates are that 40% of all homeless youth are LGBT, often thrown out by parents or feeling forced to flee.  Now, with the Trump/Pence regime pushing the U.S. Supreme Court to legalize anti-LGBT discrimination, the stress many LGBT youth experience is likely to increase.  A piece in The Atlantic looks at the lack of social support so many LGBT youth experience.  Here are highlights:

The 12-year-old drag star Desmond Napoles is one of a growing number of kids who have embraced an LGBTQ identity at an early age. He has already come out as gay. Recent postings on his Instagram feed, which has 181,000 followers, feature him posing in a purple wig with red lips pursed, or in a rainbow dress at Brooklyn Pride. . . . “He is spreading the message that it is okay for kids to drag,” his mother, Wendy Napoles, told Gay Star News. And to “explore their identity and express themselves, without shame, without hiding.”

Her son may be precocious, but most queer kids remember feeling different very early in their lives. . . . . Years later, a family photo surfaces—of a boy holding a doll, say, as his brothers roughhouse nearby—that, in retrospect, makes the story seem obvious. These unwittingly campy childhood photos also communicate a reality generally overlooked in society: Budding queer identities have nonsexual elements that often form long before puberty, signaling what lies ahead.

Nevertheless, seeing preteens involved in drag shows—an age-old staple of LGBTQ culture, often performed in gay clubs—makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Critics have accused Desmond’s mother of allowing her son’s sexualization and exploitation. After another preteen boy performed drag in Ohio, state Republicans proposed legislation barring these performances, linking them, without evidence, to child trafficking.

Over time, American society has been steadily making peace with gay adults, gay marriages, even gay political candidates. Yet it still broadly pretends that people are straight until, at some point after age 18, they proclaim themselves otherwise. . . . . by this logic, all things LGBTQ should be relegated to adult spaces, preventing children’s premature sexualization. This explains why the backlash to preteen drag performers like Desmond has been so fierce—and why so many queer kids, with their difference manifesting as awkwardness, are forced to tread the rough waters of adolescence with no social support.

Numerous studies have shown that children who eventually come out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual—scientists call them pre-homosexual, or pre-GLB kids—demonstrate more childhood gender nonconformity in their speech, body language, and choice of activity than their pre-straight contemporaries do. These reports have also produced evidence of a “dosage effect”: The more gender nonconformity someone shows in childhood, the more likely they will identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual as an adult.

Critics instead see adults in and aligned with the LGBTQ community as sexualizing children by exposing them to what a National Review writer calls a “deeply and perversely erotic subculture.” Conservative media have accused Wendy Napoles of endangering her son.

This adult disquiet allows for the continued neglecting of nascent queerness, leaving pre-GLB kids to be mocked, rather than affirmed, fostering another generation of queer people who carry scars into adulthood. “Growing up gay, it seems, is bad for you in many of the same ways as growing up in extreme poverty,” Michael Hobbes wrote in a much-discussed 2017 HuffPost article. A 2015 study showed that gay people as adults produce less cortisol, the hormone that regulates stress—–“their systems were activated, so constantly, in adolescence that they ended up sluggish as grownups”––than their straight counterparts. A 2014 study similarly showed that “stressful life events” inflict more damage on gay kids’ nervous systems than on their straight peers’ nervous systems.

Growing up LGBTQ is isolating, a reality pointedly depicted by a 2016 Saturday Night Live sketch titled “Wells for Boys.” . . . .To that script we might add: Some kids are straight; other kids are gay.

But pre-GLB kids, even if they’re not as forthright in their nonconformity as Desmond is, should not be forced to wait for adulthood to receive society's permission to be themselves. Instead, they need age-appropriate safe spaces—so they don’t have to co-opt more mature queer arenas—in which they can come to grips with their otherness. Queer kids know they’re different, even before most have the words to say so; for their sake, we need to listen a bit more closely.

The Evils of Religion: Athlete Disowned for Being Gay

Emily Scheck

Ironically, a group of us had already planned to see "Boy Erased" today when I came across this article about a young student athlete disowned by her parents for being gay.  Both the Buffalo News and Out Sports have coverage of the nightmare Emily Scheck has experienced since her parents learned she was gay and disowned her.  It is a story only too common for many in the LGBT community where parents cling to Bronze Age myths originating with ignorant herders and reject their own children.  Schenk's parents' claim that they did not want to force her into "conversion therapy" - a thoroughly discredited and dangerous practice often peddled by quacks and charlatans - seem disingenuous.  Thankfully, she found support  from here girlfriend who launched a GoFundMe page and her college community.   Meanwhile, conservative Christianity remains a toxic evil.  Here are excerpts from the Buffalo News story:

Canisius College sophomore Emily Scheck had just moved back onto campus in August as a cross-country and track athlete when her mother came across photos of Scheck and her girlfriend on a photo-sharing social media site.

That's when Scheck's life came crashing down.  Her parents, who had been unaware their daughter was a lesbian, demanded she come home to the Rochester area, give up her partial athletic scholarship to Canisius College, commute to a local college and participate in counseling sessions. When she refused, her parents cut her off.

"I couldn’t even get groceries, initially," said Scheck, 19. "I was just really relying on my roommates and my girlfriend."

What happened next launched her into a public controversy over whether money raised for a student through a GoFundMe page should disqualify that student’s athletic eligibility under NCAA rules.

After three months, a frustrated roommate posted Scheck's story on a GoFundMe page. Money started pouring in. But when the college alerted the NCAA to the GoFundMe page, Scheck's student athlete status and partial scholarship were suddenly in jeopardy.

OutSports first reported Scheck's predicament last week. At that time, the NCAA stated it was "currently reviewing all options" regarding Scheck's situation. The NCAA revised its position Friday after being contacted by The Buffalo News, and said Scheck could keep the money raised through her GoFundMe page as long as Canisius monitors the contributions.

"Emily Scheck can retain her eligibility and continue to receive GoFundMe donations that assist her with living and educational expenses," the NCAA said in a statement.

Her mother sent her a text that read, "Well, I am done with you. As of right now, declare yourself independent. You are on your own. Please don’t contact us or your siblings."

When Scheck asked her mother why she would do this, she said her mother texted back, "Because you disgust me."

Though Scheck owned a car, she said, her parents removed her from their insurance policy. And shortly afterward, her father drove to Buffalo from the Rochester suburb of Webster with Emily's remaining personal belongings, including her birth certificate, stuffed animals, trophies, childhood photos and clothing. He dumped them in her car and removed the license plates. The family asked her to participate in counseling sessions, but he said that did not mean conversion therapy. The family accepts her sexual orientation, he said. Scheck disputes her father's account.

Scheck said her family didn't change their behavior toward her until after the GoFundMe page went up. In the meantime, she said, she struggled to make ends meet, working two part-time jobs and going to cross-country practice every day. She relied on her roommates and girlfriend until she received her first paychecks, she said, and continued to field difficult and upsetting messages from her family. Scheck said she's not ready go home and be part of her family's plans when for months it seemed they didn't want her.  "As long as I stay in Buffalo and I don’t come home, they’ve made it clear that I’m still on my own," she said.

Another case of supposed "Christian love" that in truth is infused with hatred.  Time and time again I find the so-called "unchurched" and agnostics far more likely to exhibit behavior in keeping with Christ's gospel dictates than the self-congratulatory "godly folk."

The Right's Continued Hypocrisy-Filled Anti-Gay Bigotry

It is 2017, yet in the minds of many on the political right, if they had their way, it would still be the 1950's.   Institutionally, the Republican Party continues to officially oppose LGBT rights and, in fact, the party's 2016 national platform is the most homophobic in history. Making good on this declared agenda, the Trump/Pence regime is rolling back LGBT protections instituted by the Obama administration and we have witnessed in two cases before the U.S. Supreme Court where the U.S. Department of Justice has filed briefs that support anti-LGBT discrimination, one which argues that employers should be free to fire LGBT employees due to their sexual orientation and the other that Christofascists have the right to ignore non-discrimination and public  accommodation laws. All of which encourages the modern day Pharisees among the godly folk to discard their children like useless trash and/or withdraw all financial support at age 18.  The result?  40% of homeless youths are LGBT  and far too many would be college students lack finances to allow them to attend college.  

In recognition of this reality and in honor of my parents who accepted me when I came out unlike so many parents, I established and provided the original endowment for a scholarship for graduating LGBT high school students from the Hampton Roads area.  Likewise recognizing this sad reality, The Serpentine Society, an alumni organization at the University of Virginia (my alma mater) has established a scholarship for gay male students.  A similar scholarship exists for lesbian students.  This is all too much for the right wingers who strive to perpetuate a climate of discrimination and then whine when victims organize to help others in the targeted class.  To the falsely sanctimonious "conservatives" - bigots is a more apt description - the scholarship amounts to horrific "identity politics" which are seemingly only acceptable when put forward by white supremacists.  A column at "The College Fix" which holds itself out as "right minded news from across the nation"  whines in part as follows:

In one instance we are asked to accept everyone as moral equals; in another instance we are expected to accept very specialized and preferential treatment for certain demographics. The former is good; the latter suggest that there is something markedly different about the target group, something worth treating them differently than the rest of the population.

My response? What assholes, pardon "my French."  You support discrimination and the ostracizing of gays  based typically on Bronze Age era derived religious belief and then get your panties in a knot when something is done to address the consequences of the bigotry to strive to cultivate.   I suspect that the author of the piece finds scholarships for blacks and other minorities demonized by the right as offensive as well. The hypocrisy is off the charts.  Kudos to the Serpentine Society.  And, yes, I have joined it.

Coming Out for the Holidays: Family Acceptance Could Save Lives

As I noted in my most recent VEER Magazine column, studies indicate gay men are significantly more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts, with the numbers increasing exponentially during the holidays.  To me, the reason for this phenomenon is: (i) the family rejection many gays have experienced, (ii) alienation from the religious backgrounds in which they were raised and (iii) the forced effort to be "happy" during the holiday season.  Indeed, my holiday seasons during the first years of my "coming out" journey could be best described by two words: depression and therapy.  It took literally years of therapy to overcome the emotional and psychological damage I suffered from my Catholic upbringing.  And deep depression can lead to suicide attempts.  I survived two such attempts, both of which sent me to the hospital.  Thankfully, that was years ago and I have moved on in my life and I now find myself in a very different place emotionally and psychologically. But many in the LGBT community, especially those still in the early stages of "coming out" still find the holiday season to be challenging at best.  As a piece in USA Today notes, how families react to those coming out can literally make a difference at times between life and death.  Here are article highlight:

Holiday gatherings feel fraught for many families, but around-the-table affairs can put distinct pressures on those newly out as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

Maybe your cousin is going by different pronouns than last year. Perhaps a nephew makes first mention of a boyfriend from school. How a family reacts to such revelations can seriously impact that relative's wellbeing, said Jaime Grant, director of the LGBTQ advocacy group PFLAG.

Grant, a lesbian, was shunned by her mother when she came out in the early '80s. She missed a decade of holiday gatherings thereafter, she said, carrying a rejection that led to years of drug addiction. LGBT youth who feel highly rejected by families are three times as likely to use illegal drugs, according to 2009 research from San Francisco State University's Family Acceptance Project. They're eight times as likely to have attempted suicide. 

"It’s not just a feel-good thing. It’s a life-saving thing," said Grant, now a mother herself. "One of my kids is bi, and he is coming home for Thanksgiving to talk to me about his first semester at college — new crushes, student government, the whole bit."

Here's how to best offer support should a newly out guest join your table for the holidays, according to PFLAG.

First: Thank them for opening up to you“The first thing to say is, 'I feel so honored, blessed, happy, like a treasured person in your life that you want to share this with me,'" Grant said. "And then listen." Show interest and empathy. For some, coming out is a struggle, she said. For others, it's exciting. The person may offer up preferred pronouns, or mention a previously undisclosed partner, but don't rush the process or overstep by asking prying questions, Grant said.

Set the tone for acceptance among your familyReactions from family members may vary from surprise, to gladness, to dismay. Let them know how to address this new-to-them aspect of your guest's identity and that you expect them to be treated no less than anyone else at the table, said Marsha Aizumi, a PFLAG national board member from Pasadena, Calif. If a relative's coming out announcement came at the dinner table, "I would jump up and immediately give them a hug," she said. If unkind remarks fly, call them out; the brief discomfort doesn't outweigh any potentially damaging effects.

Help relatives process the new infoWhen Aizumi's transgender son came out during the holidays, she dealt with feelings of shame, fear and doubt. Family members might need time beyond a holiday to fully process the new information, she said. You can lift some burden from a newly out family member by having a dialogue and educating family members who have questions or seem less accepting. While it's important to allow space to reflect for yourself and others, Aizumi said, make clear to the newly out relative that you still love that person. "My son needed to hear it more than ever," she said.

Own your mistakes with graceEven family members striving to be inclusive can let an unintentional pronoun slip. Opportunities for fumbles and unintentional hurt abound as family members adjust and learn more about a newly out relative's orientation or identity. Fostering grace is key for all parties. There's nothing wrong with simply owning a mistake. 

Follow up after the holidayIn the days following a holiday gathering, check in with your newly out family member. Remind them you appreciated their presence. Ask them how they thought it went. Understand their journey with your family goes beyond this first holiday. Ben Hodges, the son of PFLAG President Jean Hodges, first introduced his partner to his family 21 years ago. "Remember that telling family and friends you are LGBTQ is a process," he said. "This is a healthy dialogue that will not be resolved over the holiday meal."

Sadly, far too many families do not follow this wise advice.  I was lucky and was fully accepted by my parents and siblings and aunts and uncles.  Even with such support, coming out was a difficult process.  Roughly 40% of homeless youths in America are LGBT, most having been disowned and discarded by their falsely pious parents who call themselves "Christian" or, in some cases, devout Muslims.  With three children of my own, I truly cannot fathom how anyone "Christian" can discard their own children due to the writings of ignorant, uneducated and unknown Bronze Age herders.   In memory of my parents, I endowed a scholarship fund to help graduating LGBT high school seniors who may have found themselves without parental financial support.  If you are inclined to donate to the fund, you can do so here.  The donation is tax deductible.

Illinois Seeking LGBT Couples to Adopt/Foster Homeless LGBT Youth

LGBT youth continue to make up a hugely disproportionate percentage of the homeless youth population, not because their parents cannot take care of them, but rather because these parents (who typically are the part of the "godly Christian" crowd) have discarded them as if they were trash simply because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. In short, these parents use their religious belief to justify what amounts to nothing less than child abuse and, in my view, states ought to start prosecuting such parents and/or forcing them to contribute to the support of their children.  Meanwhile, in Illinois, state agencies are seeking to identify LGBT individuals and couples to either adopt or serve as foster parents for LGBT youths who have been thrown away by their parents.   Here are some highlights from Gay Star News:

Fostering and adoption agencies in Illinois are looking to increase the number of same-sex parents on their books, in order to help young people disowned by their families because of their sexual orientation. According to Renee Lehocky, director of strategic initiatives at social services organization Lawrence Hall, around 50% of homeless LGBTI teenagers have come into contact with the Department of Children and Family Services. In the hopes of better meeting their needs, Illinois agencies are now partnering to increase the pool of LGBTI parents who would like to foster or adopt. Susan Stoga, board member for non-profit fostering and adoption education initiative Let It Be Us, told Chicago local press: ‘Usually, when you think about a child or a teen entering foster care, there is a set of circumstances you think about, like mom and dad cannot take care of them or they were removed. ‘With a lot of teens in the LGBTQ community, it’s because their parents don’t want to support who they’ve become, and that is heart-breaking.’

An outreach event at the University of Illinois in Chicago today aims to recruit more LGBTI parents to fostering and adoption, with further outreach programs planned. As Debbie Saucedo, senior director of operations at the Illinois Center for Adoption and Permanency, told the Windy City Times, ‘[LGBTI parents] are able to expose children to a diverse world and [are] able to accept those differences. ‘Also, when they adopt the decision is extremely intentional, and they tend to have more resources and more support systems.’ Lehocky added that the LGBTI community had been a largely untapped resource and that today’s targeted outreach event represented a first for many adoption and foster agencies.

While LGBTI parents may be a largely untapped resource, Saucedo revealed her agency had seen a 22% increase in same-sex couples adopting within the last year, which she hailed as ‘a great improvement’. 

If you want to witness true "Christian" behavior, don't look for it among the "godly folk" who are today's version of the Pharisees of the New Testament.  I openly admit that I hold these people in utter contempt and view them as a toxic evil that poison the world. 

What Growing Up In An Anti-Gay Household Does to a Gay Person

I grew up in a relatively conservative Republican home where we regularly attended Roman Catholic Church services.  I was very Catholic and served as an altar boy fro age 8 to 17 (I had just turned 18 when I started college) and went on to become a 4th Degree Knight of Columbus as I desperately tried to "pray away the gay."  That said, while my religious upbringing was virulently anti-gay as was the norm back in those days - actually, it still is if one is raised Catholic - my parents were not homophobic.  Indeed, it was only in later years I figured out that one of my maternal great aunts by marriage had a gay brother who was partnered for roughly 40 years.  This gay couple were part of our extended family for all of my youth and first years of college.  Their relationship was never discussed around us children, but was totally accepted by my parents and aunts and uncles and grand parents.  

Despite this surprisingly enlightened mindset, my religious upbringing nonetheless wreaked havoc on me emotionally and psychologically.  In the wake of the horrific massacre in Orlando over the past weekend, there is much speculation over the mindset of the shooter who killed 49 innocent people. The facts as known to date suggest perhaps toxic influences from ISIS propaganda were a motivation for the bloodbath, yet on the other hand, given the emerging facts about the shooter's exposure to fundamentalist Muslim beliefs and his homophobic father, some believe that internalized homophobia might also have been in play.  A piece in the Washington Post looks at the damage done to LGBT individuals raised in anti-gay homes and the role that this might have played in the tragedy in Orlando.  Here are excerpts:

Imagine growing up hearing from those you love and trust that certain groups of people are evil. In fact, these people are so bad, so wrong, that God himself will punish them. Imagine absorbing this hatred deep into your bones. Imagine that you then discover, at some point in your adolescence, that you are one of these people. They are the hated. You are the hated.

We don’t know the details of Omar Mateen’s sexuality. Perhaps he did not fully understand. But according to some, Mateen expressed romantic interest in men. A classmate from his 2006 police academy class told the “Palm Beach Post” that Mateen had asked him out. Sometimes, after class, Mateen would go with friends to gay nightclubs, the classmate said.

We will never understand what triggered Mateen. But there is abundant evidence that the prejudice we face is toxic. And when anti-gay prejudice comes from parents or religion, the effect is profound. According to University of Tennessee Knoxville psychology professor Dawn Szymanski, research shows that experiencing rejection from parents of your sexual identity is linked to traumatic internalized negativity – what psychologists call “internalized homonegativity” or “internalized stigma.” The same is true when a person belongs to a religion that rejects homosexuality.

One consequence of this internalized stigma is violence: Studies of same-sex couples show that internalized homophobia is significant predictor of violence within a relationship. Self-hatred also creates profound psychological distress: One meta-analysis found that higher levels of internalized anti-gay stigma were correlated with worse mental health. The psychological distress can include anxiety, depression, poor self-esteem and hyperarousal – a state of increased tension that includes irritability, anger and aggression.

Anti-gay prejudice is especially pernicious because it creeps into the intimacy of one’s own family. For other forms of bias – racism, for example, or prejudice based on one’s religion — the family can be a refuge against the hatred of the outside world. But anti-gay prejudice is different. The hatred comes from not outsiders, but from loved ones. Parents’ rejection of their children is the one of the biggest reasons as many as 40 percent of homeless youths are LGBT.

Politicians will continue to use “radical Islam” as a culprit. But it’s not clear that Mateen was motivated by ideology; indeed, he claimed to support a jumble of groups with conflicting points of view. On the other hand, his ex-wife told CNN, “It doesn’t surprise me that he was leading two totally different lives and was in such deep conflict within himself.” 

Imagine a young person sitting in his congregation, listening. Imagine this young person absorbing that certain people deserve to die because of who they are. Now imagine that child growing up to discover that he is gay. He, too, deserves to die. Imagine the chaos and self-hatred growing inside his heart.

The root cause, of course, of anti-gay beliefs is religion, especially Abrahamic religions.  The same religions that over the centuries have lead the the deaths and stigmatization of millions of people.  As I have said before, religion is a pernicious evil that needs to be eradicated.

Spending Christmas Without Family Because You're Gay

As long term readers know, when I finally came out I was accepted and supported without reservation by my parents - I endowed a scholarship for LGBT students in their honor - but many LGBT individuals are not so lucky.  Indeed, 40% of homeless youth nationwide are LGBT, the majority of whom have been rejected by their families who place their perverted form of Christianity, Judaism or Islam over their own children.  This time of year my heart goes out to all those in the LGBT community who face family rejection and may find themselves spending Christmas alone.   A piece in Huffington Post looks at this sad and, in my mind, tragic circumstance.  Here are excerpts:

[S]itting with friends and talking about our Christmas wishes and the one recurring wish was "to see my family."

Hearing this was heartbreaking for me because it became so clear that I wasn't alone in my emotional rollercoaster. You see, earlier this year, I made the most difficult decision of my life. I had to choose between staying in a homophobic country where my life was being threatened as a lesbian with no help from authorities and leaving my family behind to migrate to a country where I could live my life without persecution. I made the obvious choice!

As we speak, there are thousands of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender folks from across the world who are not able to spend Christmas with their families this year. They have been beaten, cursed at and made to feel like they do not belong, leading them to say goodbye to their family and friends.

I could write a list of wishes to Santa for health, wealth and success, but my only wish for this Christmas is for all the men and women, who were forced to leave their countries because of their sexual orientation, to see their families.

As you celebrate Christmas with your loved ones this year, remember the families who are without their mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends because they decided to be true to themselves. Let this be a reminder of how our attitudes tear families apart and leave hearts broken. May this Christmas bring love and acceptance for all!

As noted, the cause of all this heartache and emotional pain is ultimately religion, one of the most evil and perverse forces in the world.   I wish I could take in all the LGBT youth who have been discarded by their "godly" parents and families. 

Standing Up to Parental and Family Bigotry During the Holidays

The holidays can be a very sad and depressing time of year for many in the LGBT community who have experienced rejection and/or deliberate slights from family members because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.  More often than not, religious belief is used as a justification for the rejection and slights.  My first few holiday seasons after coming out were among the worse of my life and, candidly, I thought of suicide a great deal.  Thankfully, my situation changed markedly due in no small part from finally achieving self-acceptance and finding comfort in my own skin.  I am now married to a wonderful guy and I am in a good place with family members and my children.  Many are not as lucky as I have been.  But that does not mean that you must suffer your rejection in silence or lose your dignity.  A recent column in Out Magazine on a different subject (parental refusal to attend same sex weddings), to me, provides an example of how bigoted, self-centered parents and family members should be approached.  True, you may still face rejection, but at least you have retained your dignity and can set about building a new self-selected "family" with a clear conscience.  Here are some column excerpts:

Patrick’s rebuttal to his parents’ intolerance provides a stinging rebuke to the small-minded way in which, to this day, supposedly responsible adults can turn against their own.

Dear Mom and Dad,

It’s been 890 days since the day that you both decided not to partake in my wedding. I don’t know why it’s taken me this long to say anything about it. Perhaps I’ve been afraid of what the family will think, what the family might say. Or perhaps I’ve been afraid of losing even more of my wonderful, beautiful family, whom I think about day and night.

As not to keep anyone in the family excluded (any longer), I’m sending this letter to everyone involved. I want everyone to know what had happened on my last visit to you, before my beautiful, wonderful wedding. I’m not writing this letter in an act of vengeance (even though it feels like it is), but rather, I’m doing it because I’m tired of walking on eggshells around my siblings, godchildren, nephews and nieces. I’m tired of having to be “civil” with both of you, “for the sake of the family.”

I think it’s time that I told my side of the story to the family, as I’m sure you have already told yours. I want everything to be out in the open, so that I can feel like I have all of my dignity with me when I will undoubtedly see you at family gatherings—gatherings which I now would rather avoid if it means that either of you will be present; I have other ways of seeing my family.

By the time we left A & P, you started citing the bible, while unsuspecting shoppers were bustling about us, running their afternoon errands. And by the time we got back to the car, you’d mentioned your fear of an angel appearing to you, saying, “Stop praying for Patrick! He’s already in hell!” I knew then that it was time to go to my last resort and give an ultimatum which I never expected would be fulfilled.

I explained to you, simply and calmly, that if you (both) did not attend my wedding, you would not see me again after the wedding: no holidays, no birthdays, no hospitals, no funerals. What I heard next put me into a state of mild shock. You followed up, quickly and readily, with, “We know that! I talked to your dad last night and we already accept it! We said that we give you back to God!” I recall other things being said, which I’ll omit here. As I sat in shock—shock that you would rather never see me again than attend my wedding—you simply moved onto your next subject: “Well, I guess you don’t want to go to lunch anymore.” 

Mom and Dad: By not attending my wedding, you rejected me, and you rejected my husband, who is my own immediate family. I, in turn, reject anyone that rejects my family—out of dignity and respect for it. But I am offering resolution.

I will forgive you both for what you have done, if you, in front of the entire family (from youngest to eldest) admit that what you both did was wrong; admit that you both should have been at the wedding. Because I do think that what you both have done is shameful. You’ve torn a family apart. But what breaks my heart most is what this has done to the youngest in the family—the ones who were too young to know, or too young to understand what was going on. The ones whose only conclusion was perhaps “Patrick must be bad” or “He must have done something wrong because Grandma didn’t go to his wedding.” That is where I think you both should bear the shame, not me.

I want everyone to know everything. And maybe tonight, I’ll finally be able to sleep the whole night through.

For readers still struggling through the coming out process, hand on to the truth that there is noting wrong with you and that you have done nothing wrong. It is those who reject or condemn you that have committed the wrong. 

Petition to Pope Francis and U.S. Catholic Bishops

Faith in America has launched a petition drive via Change.org to make a plea to Pope Francis and the always anti-gay U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops to cease preaching that homosexuality and homosexual relationships are a sin.  Study after study has shown that the number one cause of homelessness for LGBT youth is religious based discrimination and bigotry that motivates parents to treat their LGBT children as if they were disposable trash.  This bigotry in turn traces ultimately to the writings of unknown ignorant authors from two millennium ago.  I would urge readers to sign the petition.  Here are highlights about the petition:

Pope Francis and Catholic Bishops, we are asking for your help and the Catholic Church's leadership in righting a grave moral wrong that is being perpetrated on untold millions of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth as well as their parents, siblings and other members of their families.

By teaching that homosexual conduct is sin or that homosexuality is a sinful inclination, the Catholic Church and other Christian and non-Christian churches are causing immense emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical harm to these youth and families worldwide.

• Last year at least 200,000 LGBT youths experienced homelessness in the United States. LGBT youths make up 40% of the homeless youth population in this country, despite comprising only about 5% of the overall youth population.
• A recent study of Family Rejection found that parents who identified as "strongly religious" were significantly more likely to reject their LGBT children.
• A recent study published by the American Psychological Association reported that a majority of gay participants cited religious teaching as the primary source of conflict within families after they came out.
• LGBT youths who are rejected by their families are eight times more likely to attempt suicide than LGBT youths whose parents accept them.

The pain and torment does not end with LGBT youth as the conflict results in derogation to the entire family – parents, siblings, grandparents and other relatives.

The conflict is often viewed as irreconcilable and parents and other family members feel they cannot affirm the LGBT youth and remain true to their faith. The young person may feel they are the source of such conflict within the family and then are burdened with more guilt from feeling they have brought pain and anguish to their parents, siblings and others.

Such emotional, psychological and spiritual trauma leads many young LGBT youth to feel they must leave the family as their way of resolving the conflict.

Most tragically, many LGBT youth decide that suicide is their only escape from the type of personal and familial conflict that results from religious teaching that condemns their same-sex attraction as a sinful inclination or their sexual acts or expressions of affection with other same-sex individuals as sin. 

So many of these youth feel their sexuality is in conflict with their Christian faith as church teaching tells them they are separate and apart from God. Parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and peers also experience this conflict and therefore a profound hindrance to the Gospel is being allowed to flourish within our society.

When the church in the past has refused to examine fault within scriptural teaching, such moral wrongs as genocide, slavery, subjugation of women have flourished within society. The ultimate result of the church's complicity in such moral failure is the denigration of the Christian faith. We see this happening today in relation to traditional church teaching on homosexuality. A younger generation recognizes the church's inability and unwillingness to right a grave moral wrong being perpetrated on their LGBT brothers, sisters, parents, relatives and friends.

We are asking that you, Pope Francis and Catholic Bishops, to allow the Catholic faith to lead the world's religious communities in bringing an end to this grave moral failure in the church's response to and its embrace of LGBT youth and families.

 I have signed the petition and I hope you will do so as well.

Homeless LGBTQ Youth Often Forced to Trade Sex for Food/Shelter

As numerous posts on this blog have noted in the past, LGBT youth are disproportionately represented among the number of homeless youth across America.  And the number one reason for the homeless status of these LGBT youth is family rejection, most often due to parental rejection of the youth's sexual orientation or gender identity.   What fuels this rejection?  The conscious embracing of ignorance and bigotry based on the writings and myths of ignorant herders 2500 years ago.  An ignorance and bigotry that is prompted constantly by charlatans and shysters in pulpits across the country that are little better than the imam who promote Islamic extremism.  What is even more sad is that because of the lack of resources available to such homeless youth, far too many are forced to trade sex for food and shelter.  A piece in The Raw Story looks at the sad phenomenon which is in truth brought about by the "godly folk" for whom I hold nothing but contempt.  Here are some highlights:

Homelessness is one of the main reasons youth in New York City and across the country engage in “survival sex”—national estimates range from 10 to 50 percent. One 2013 study on the city’s homeless youth found that some 25 percent had traded sex, and a 2008 study indicates these youth routinely trade sex for shelter. But lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning (LGBTQ) youth are dramatically more likely to trade sex for a place to stay, according to a new study that analyzes their experiences.

At around 17, Andy wound up in New York City. Clients raped and robbed him during his years on the streets. But he was wary of seeking help, —even in as LGBTQ-friendly a city as New York. Andy says he felt child protective services and law enforcement agencies wouldn’t be sympathetic. If he went to a shelter as a minor, he would wind up on its radar. If that happened, they would place him in foster care or, worse, send him back home, he feared. He was able to leave the world of survival sex, but hundreds of children in New York City alone still sell their bodies to live.

Prior research has shown homeless LGBTQ youth were “seven times more likely” to trade sex than their heterosexual counterparts, notes “Surviving the Streets of New York,” a study conducted by the Urban Institute and Streetwise & Safe (SAS), released Wednesday.

LGBTQ youth make up 5 to 7 percent of the overall youth population but 20 to 40 percent of the homeless youth population. There are some 350 youth shelter beds in New York City, so scores spend their nights on the streets, in parks and in subway stations or, as the study emphasizes, engage in survival sex just for a roof over their head and maybe a hot meal.

Worth noting is that many of these youths also worked outside of the sex industry. More than half of those surveyed had sources of income other than survival sex, but employment options were limited, largely due to discrimination, according to the study.

Importantly, “almost all” of these youths—93 percent—did not want to trade sex. Those surveyed said that employment, housing and education opportunities were integral to leaving the trade. . . . . “There’s no social safety support net,” she tells Newsweek. “Without that in their lives, immediately upon leaving home, they do what they have to do to survive.”

Carl Siciliano, founder of the Ali Forney Center, “the largest agency dedicated to LGBTQ homeless youth in the country,” says these allotments are insufficient. Every night, there are 200 to 250 youths who want to get into a bed at the center, but there aren’t any available. This means some may wait months for a slot.

“We see every single day that the lack of safe shelter for LGBT youth are driving them into situations where they are forced to do survival sex,” he says. “The report is confirming something that we see every single day.”

Note the reference to employment discrimination as on cause of limited employment opportunities.  Here in Virginia, thanks to The Family Foundation and its political whores in the Virginia GOP, there are ZERO employment protections for LGBT individuals.  Meanwhile, around the country, Republicans are striving to broaden anti-gay discrimination or to rescind non-discrimination protections - all ultimately because of the "godly Christian" crowd.  Like fundamentalist Islam, conservative Christianity is a pervasive cancer on mankind that needs to be eradicated.  

Internalized Homophobia - The Worst Homophobia

Over the weekend Irish Minister for Health, Leo Varadkar (pictured above), came out as gay during an interview. His move comes as Ireland prepares for a referendum on allowing same sex marriage in May, 2015.   It goes without saying that the morally bankrupt Catholic Church in Ireland is strenuously against same sex marriage and is engaging in scare tactics and lies worth of American Christofascist hate groups.  Varadkar's action has also caused a fair amount of news coverage and reflection as to why his declaration is even news worthy at the date in the 21st century.  Equally, it has caused some to look at the problem of internalized homophobia which keeps many gays either fully in the closet or closeted to friends and family.  

Behind all of the fear and self-loathing is religion and its fruits of hate, fear and the embrace of ignorance.  These forces indoctrinate most of us growing up and the result is that it is very hard to let go of the old brainwashing.   For me, taking the first step of being able to stand in front of a mirror and say to myself "I'm gay, and I'm OK with that." was extremely hard.  Many in the LGBT community cannot fully take that step.  I know too many gays who remain closeted to family and self-flagellate, guaranteeing they will not find full happiness.  A piece in the Irish Examiner looks at the poison of internalized homophobia.  Here are highlights:

Leo Varadkar’s ‘coming out’ on radio brought back lots of memories for Caomhan Keane who dreams of a time when such a public ‘coming out’ is as dated as a debutantes ball

The main thing that struck me about Minister for Health Leo Varadkar’s interview with Miriam O Callaghan on RTÉ recently was not how articulate, courageous and open he was, although he was all of those and more.

Instead it was how awkward and painfully familiar it sounded.

Most gays have, at one time or another, sat in their closet as a conversation skirted dangerously close to the secret they were keeping; its content making the blood rush to our head and our hearts pound like a techno drumbeat.

It was a proud day for Ireland to say we had an openly gay minster in our cabinet. But there was also something deeply disconcerting about a grown man having to divulge the personal details of his sexuality so that he could go about doing the job he was elected to do.

Whatever Minister Varadkar’s reasons for speaking publicly, his conversation with O’Callaghan will inspire even those not enamored with his work as Minister for Health.

The worst homophobia I suffered was internalised. Even as I took those first tentative steps out of the closet, I was quick to reassure myself that I was ‘different’ from those other gays, the ones prancing in their underwear outside the Dáil, snogging on the streets during pride and generally fighting for my rights.

In my note coming out to my parents, I even stated that I wasn’t a ‘campaigning’ gay, as if that were something to be proud of. So I can identify with the minister’s discomfort as he was forced to detail his reasons for waiting. My heart went out to him as O’Callaghan was forced to ask for information we somehow feel we have the right to.

We’ve become so blasé as a society as to how difficult the act of coming out can be. Society may have moved on, but I’m still fairly sure I’m the only gay my father knows by name. Which would account for why he didn’t speak to me for a month after I came out. Not because he had an issue with it. But because he genuinely didn’t know what to say.

Maybe Varadkar’s disclosure will offer ease to parents shaken by the news their child is gay? That his sexuality wasn’t an inhibitor to him climbing to ministerial office? But mainly I hope it’s a stepping stone; that a ministers wish to be treated equally will be extended to all citizens, thereby removing the need for gays to ‘come out’.

Evangelicals with Gay Children Belatedly Challenge Church

We have made it past Thanksgiving, but still have the rest of the holiday season before us.  As noted before, this is often a terrible time of year for members of the LGBT community - the holidays were torture for me the first year or two after I came out - but especially so for LGBT youth.  Too many parents continue to literally throw away their children in acts of unspeakable child abuse, listening to the anti-gay screeds of vicious pastors in pulpits instead of listening to their hearts and what I see as human instinct to protect one's child.  Some such unfit parents learn they have erred and make amends with their discarded children while some never do.  Others do so only after it is too late and their child has died ultimately because of their rejection of that child.  Rob and Linda Robertson fall into this last category and, as CBS News reports, they are now working to help other evangelicals to accept their LGBT children and say no to the hate and bigotry that is the stock and trade of their churches.  Here are article highlights:

Rob and Linda Robertson did what they believed was expected of them as good Christians.

When their 12-year-old son Ryan said he was gay, they told him they loved him, but he had to change. He entered "reparative therapy," met regularly with his pastor and immersed himself in Bible study and his church youth group.

After six years, nothing changed. A despondent Ryan cut off from his parents and his faith, started taking drugs and in 2009, died of an overdose.

"Now we realize we were so wrongly taught," said Rob Robertson, a firefighter for more than 30 years who lives in Redmond, Washington. "It's a horrible, horrible mistake the church has made."

The tragedy could have easily driven the Robertsons from the church. But instead of breaking with evangelicalism -- as many parents in similar circumstances have done -- the couple is taking a different approach, and they're inspiring other Christians with gay children to do the same.

They are staying in the church and, in protesting what they see as the demonization of their sons and daughters, presenting a new challenge to Christian leaders trying to hold off growing acceptance of same-sex relationships.

"Parents don't have anyone on their journey to reconcile their faith and their love for their child," said Linda Robertson, who with Rob attends a nondenominational evangelical church. "They either reject their child and hold onto their faith, or they reject their faith and hold onto their child. Rob and I think you can do both: be fully affirming of your faith and fully hold onto your child."

Linda Robertson, who blogs about her son at justbecausehebreathes.com, said a private Facebook page she started last year for evangelical mothers of gays has more than 300 members. And in the last few years, high-profile cases of prominent Christian parents embracing their gay children indicate a change is occurring beyond a few isolated families.

"I think at some point moms and dads are going to say to their pastors and church leadership that you can't tell me that my child is not loved unconditionally by God," said Susan Shopland, the daughter of a Presbyterian missionary who, along with her gay son, is active with the Gay Christian Network.

Kathy Baldock, a Christian who advocates for gay acceptance through her website CanyonwalkerConnections.com, said evangelical parents are speaking out more because of the example set by their children.

The collapse of support for "reparative therapy" is also a factor, Shopland said. In June of last year, Alan Chambers, the leader of Exodus International, a ministry that tried to help conflicted Christians repress same-sex attraction, apologized for the suffering the ministry caused and said the group would close down.

At a conference on marriage and sexuality last month, a prominent Southern Baptist leader, the Rev. Al Mohler, said he was wrong to believe that same-sex attraction could be changed. Baldock, The Marin Foundation and the Gay Christian Network all say Christian parents have been reaching out to them for help in notably higher numbers in the last couple of years.

Much work needs to be done.  Personally, I view religion as one of the principal forces of evil on the planet and believe it best if parents simply walk away from their churches.  But, if they feel they can't do that, then they need to stay and challenge the hate, bigotry and ignorance that are the hallmarks of conservative Christianity.  

This undated photo provided by Linda Robertson shows her son Ryan, who died in 2009.

"We Won't Have a Faggot in Our House" - Child Abuse in the Name of God

Thanksgiving is supposed to be about giving thanks and spending time with family and friends.  Yet for a large number of LGBT youth, today is a day of loneliness and fending to survive on the streets.  LGBT youth make up up to 40% of homeless youths.  What drives them to the streets?  Their "godly Christian" parents - conservative Jews and Muslims also throw away their children - who prefer to cling to the myths authored by ignorant herders from two millennia ago rather than accept and love their own children.  In my view, such parents should be prosecuted for criminal child abuse.  They certainly deserve no respect or even civil treatment.  Carl Siciliano who runs the Ali Forney Center in New York City has a guest post at Joe Jervis' blog that is worth a read on the dire predicament of so many of these discarded youths. Here are highlights:

"We won't have a faggot in our house."

Those are the words M heard after his mother died of cancer. He was 16. His mom had loved and accepted him. But not his aunt and uncle. They took in his little brother, but left M to fend for himself in the streets.

M lived in a town in Florida that had no youth shelter. He and about 20 other homeless kids slept on the floor of an unlocked building in the town park. He used his knapsack with his school books and his toothbrush and deodorant inside as his pillow. Those were the good nights. The bad nights were when the police chased them out. On those nights he tried to sleep in an abandoned lot, hidden in the weeds. Those nights his allergies tormented him; his eyes and throat swelled, and he struggled to breath.

No matter what kind of night he had, M went to school every day. He did it to honor the memory of his mom, who said she would kick his butt in the afterlife if he didn't get an education. Despite the soul-shattering hardships he endured, he graduated at 18.

"As soon as I get the chance, I'm going to kill you, you fucking faggot."

Those are the words one of M's friends heard when he walked through the courtyard into the youth shelter where most of the beds for New York City's homeless youths are located. Despite local and federal regulations that mandate that youth shelters be in homelike environments with no more than 20 beds, NYC has crowded hundreds of kids into that shelter. Many LGBT kids report being bashed and harassed by the numerous gang members who stay there. M came to New York City after he graduated from high school, and tried to stay at there. But after being attacked too many times he ended up sleeping in the subways.

I met M the day he moved into one of the Ali Forney Center's homelike shelters after sleeping in the subways for six months. That was a really good day for M. He has had some wonderful days since; like the day he was accepted into college, and the day he got hired for his job counseling other teens. Those were good days for the Ali Forney Center as well, as have the been the joyful days in recent months when over 40 of our youths in our new job training program have been hired.

But we have had some really bad days. Since the federal sequestration and it's vast cuts we have lost about $1 Million in government funding. I have been struggling to pay our rents and our food bills, and keep our programs going. I don't sleep in a vacant lot, but I have had more than my share of sleepless nights worrying about the future of the Ali Forney Center.

But in the end I trust we will go forward. Our work of housing and protecting homeless LGBT youths must survive and grow. Too many of the LGBT kids we care for have endured cruelty, violence and contempt in their homes and in other shelters. Over 1,300 kids a year from across our country rely on the Ali Forney Center to provide a home where they are protected and accepted for who they are. I trust that our work will go on, because I trust in the goodness of our community.

If you want to give donations to charities this time of year, think about making a donation to the Ali Forney Center.   You can do that here. You can also make donations on PayPal by using this email: mramos@aliforneycenter.org.  Another charity dear to my heart is the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar HRBOR Scholarship that I started to help LGBT students needing assistance for a college education.  You can make a donation here.  Please do NOT give you donations to "charities" or churches that promote discrimination and bigotry. 

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