The Right's Continued Hypocrisy-Filled Anti-Gay Bigotry

It is 2017, yet in the minds of many on the political right, if they had their way, it would still be the 1950's.   Institutionally, the Republican Party continues to officially oppose LGBT rights and, in fact, the party's 2016 national platform is the most homophobic in history. Making good on this declared agenda, the Trump/Pence regime is rolling back LGBT protections instituted by the Obama administration and we have witnessed in two cases before the U.S. Supreme Court where the U.S. Department of Justice has filed briefs that support anti-LGBT discrimination, one which argues that employers should be free to fire LGBT employees due to their sexual orientation and the other that Christofascists have the right to ignore non-discrimination and public  accommodation laws. All of which encourages the modern day Pharisees among the godly folk to discard their children like useless trash and/or withdraw all financial support at age 18.  The result?  40% of homeless youths are LGBT  and far too many would be college students lack finances to allow them to attend college.  

In recognition of this reality and in honor of my parents who accepted me when I came out unlike so many parents, I established and provided the original endowment for a scholarship for graduating LGBT high school students from the Hampton Roads area.  Likewise recognizing this sad reality, The Serpentine Society, an alumni organization at the University of Virginia (my alma mater) has established a scholarship for gay male students.  A similar scholarship exists for lesbian students.  This is all too much for the right wingers who strive to perpetuate a climate of discrimination and then whine when victims organize to help others in the targeted class.  To the falsely sanctimonious "conservatives" - bigots is a more apt description - the scholarship amounts to horrific "identity politics" which are seemingly only acceptable when put forward by white supremacists.  A column at "The College Fix" which holds itself out as "right minded news from across the nation"  whines in part as follows:

In one instance we are asked to accept everyone as moral equals; in another instance we are expected to accept very specialized and preferential treatment for certain demographics. The former is good; the latter suggest that there is something markedly different about the target group, something worth treating them differently than the rest of the population.

My response? What assholes, pardon "my French."  You support discrimination and the ostracizing of gays  based typically on Bronze Age era derived religious belief and then get your panties in a knot when something is done to address the consequences of the bigotry to strive to cultivate.   I suspect that the author of the piece finds scholarships for blacks and other minorities demonized by the right as offensive as well. The hypocrisy is off the charts.  Kudos to the Serpentine Society.  And, yes, I have joined it.

Promises From a Christian Pastor/Parent

My dad at about age 20

Friday was the eight anniversary of the day I lost my father after he had battled a lingering illness.  It is always a strange day for me since September 26th is also my son's birthday.  I guess bitter sweet is the best way to describe the feelings I experience: sadness about my dad and joy about my wonderful son.  Coincidentally, on Friday, one of the staff from the Hampton Roads Community Foundation - which administers the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar/HRBOR scholarship I endowed in my parents memory - called me because the Foundation is updating its website and adding more history/details about the various scholarships that it administers.  Among the questions that were ask was what motivated me to use a chunk of my inheritance to create the scholarship which benefits LGBT graduating high school seniors from the seven cities of Hampton Roads.  In a nutshell, I said I wanted to (i) honor my parents for how they embraced and supported me when I came out, and (ii) help LGBT youth who might not have as supportive of parents (this area still have far to many Bible thumpers).   My father was not the easiest of parents, but when the challenge came to accepting me, he met the test.  A piece in Huffington Post by a pastor and parent (he has two young children) summarizes to me what moved my father - and my mother to do the right thing.  Here are excerpts:

Sometimes I wonder if I'll have gay children.  I'm not sure if other parents think about this, but I do -- quite often.  Maybe it's because I have many gay people in my family and circle of friends. It's in my genes and in my tribe.

Maybe it's because, as a pastor of students, I've seen and heard the horror stories of gay Christian kids -- from both inside and outside of the closet -- trying to be part of the Church.

Maybe it's because, as a Christian, I interact with so many people who find homosexuality to be the most repulsive thing imaginable, and who make that abundantly clear at every conceivable opportunity.

He then goes on to expound on how he will love and support his children shoud they be LGBT.  He then says this to the horrid Christofascist and homophobes who might be motivated to reject their children:

Many of you may be offended by all of this, I fully realize. I know this may be especially true if you are a religious person -- one who finds the whole topic disgusting or unpleasant.
As you've been reading, you may have been rolling your eyes, or clicking the roof of your mouth, or drafting familiar Scriptures to send me, or praying for me to repent, or preparing to Unfriend me, or writing me off as a sinful, evil, Hell-bound heretic... but with as much gentleness and understanding as I can muster; I really couldn't care less.
This isn't about you. This is a whole lot bigger than you.

You're not the one I waited on breathlessly for nine months.

You're not the one I wept with joy for when you were born.

You're not the one I bathed, and fed, and rocked to sleep through a hundred intimate, midnight snuggle sessions.

You're not the one I taught to ride a bike, and whose scraped knee I kissed, and whose tiny, trembling hand I held, while getting stitches.

You're not the one whose head I love to smell, and whose face lights-up when I come home at night, and whose laughter is like music to my weary soul.

You're not the one who gives my days meaning and purpose, and who I adore more than I ever thought I could adore anything.

And you're not the one who I'll hopefully be with, when I take my last precious breaths on this planet; gratefully looking back on a lifetime of shared treasures, and resting in the knowledge that I loved you well.

If you're a parent, I don't know how you'll respond if you find out your children are gay, but I pray you consider it.

One day, despite your perceptions of your kids or how you've parented, you may need to respond in real-time, to a frightened, frantic, hurting child -- one whose sense of peace, and identity and acceptance, whose very heart, may be placed in your hands in a way you never imagined -- and you'll need to respond.

If that day should ever come for me -- if my children should ever come out to me -- this is the Dad I hope I'll be to them.

My dad wasn't a church goer, but when it came to honesty, integrity and supporting his children, he was far more Christian in his behavior that the hate merchants of the professional Christian class - where lying is the norm - and the leadership of falsely named "family values" organizations. 

Father's Day Reflections

Army lieutenant WWII

I lost my father on September 26, 2006 - ironically, my son's 21st birthday - and I continue to think of him often and sometimes find myself thinking that I want to tell him something such as about my new job and career path change.  It's hard to believe it's already been almost eight years since he left us.  He wasn't an easy father, but I credit much of my sense of what's right and wrong to him and he instilled in all of his children that it was better to do the right thing rather than follow the herd and follow the less noble, less moral course of action.  That duty to morality and instilled sense of what's right and what's wrong - and unwillingness to suffer fools readily - doesn't always make one popular, but it allows you to always look at yourself in the mirror without regrets.

Equally importantly, my father stood by me when I came out and was there for me when I saw my legal career crash as I was forced out of my former law firm due to homophobic bigotry.  Sadly, he never got to meet and know my husband, but I suspect they would have hit it off.  Thankfully, my mother was able to have my husband in her life for three years and they truly bonded with one another. 

To my father my message today is that I love and miss you.  As time goes by, I appreciate what you accomplished and taught me more and more.  I hope you are proud of the scholarship I endowed in your names.  Happy Father's Day.

Wedding Congratulations and Gifts - Support the Hamar/HRBOR Scholarship

Me with the husband - April 20, 2014

Since our wedding - actually even before it - the husband and I have been showered with congratulations and gifts for which we are most grateful.   The trend continued last night when we had dinner at the Hampton Yacht Club and had many people come over to extend congratulations - on April 13th we had been featured in a Daily Press story, so our impending wedding was very well advertised, if you will - and again, the husband and I have been very touched.  Gifts have ranged from cash (which is always nice) to beautiful gifts.  In talking about it, the husband and I have come up with another way in which friends - or readers - can extend us wedding congratulations: make a tax deductible donation to the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar/HRBOR Scholarship.  The Hampton Roads Community Foundation which administers the scholarship has created a special direct link for donations which is here.  On the link page, the following statement appears:

Thank you for donating to the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar HRBOR Scholarship. The endowed scholarship fund was started in 2011 at the Hampton Roads Community Foundation by Michael Hamar in memory of his parents and in honor of Hampton Roads Business OutReach (HRBOR), an LGBT chamber of commerce. The permanent scholarship fund helps self-identifying lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT) students attend college. Scholarship recipients must be from high schools in Chesapeake, Hampton, Newport News, Norfolk, Portsmouth, Suffolk or Virginia Beach. Donations to the scholarship fund will help it grow so it can help even more students go to college. (my emphasis)

The husband and I are strong believers in making a difference.  Yes, the scholarship honors my late parents and HRBOR, but the real goal is to help change lives.  With far too many LGBT youth still finding themselves disowned by their families - something that I hope will begin to change -  the need for financial assistance is stark.  The scholarship also helps students from families unable to provide much financial support.

If you feel moved to do so, consider making a gift to the scholarship fund.  Every little bit helps grow the endowment and help more LGBT youth as time goes by.  Thank you for being readers and thank you to those who contribute.

George and Marion Hamar - Wedding June 3, 1950

Wedding Weekend in Washington, D.C.

Posting will be reduced this weekend.  Tomorrow morning Barry and I are headed to Washington, D.C., for our wedding.   It's an event that not too many years ago neither of us would ever have dreamed would be possible.  For me, after a coming out process that at times verged on a living Hell, its the culmination of the image in my mind of what I sought at the end of the journey: a legally recognized, committed relationship to a wonderful man.  All the plans are in place and family members who cannot attend will be staying at the house and other family members will be dog sitting the "furry children" as Barry calls the two Chihuahuas.

A wedding commissioner for the District of Columbia will be officiating the ceremony,but Barry's dad - a retired Southern Baptist pastor - will be participating in the ceremony.  The actual ceremony will be conducted on the southeast corner of the top terrace of the John F. Kennedy Center for the performing Arts (pictured above).  With a forecast of good weather, the image below shows the view that will be the back drop for the ceremony (in the background is Virginia where our marriage still will not be recognized).

 Following the ceremony, we will dine in the Terrace Restaurant on the top level of the complex which is pictured below.

 

The group in Washington will be small and intimate and later in the year when my oldest daughter and my grandson have returned from Washington State we will have the first of several receptions for family and friends.  Tonight we had dinner at the Hampton Yacht Club where we received congratulations and hugs from other members and the staff.  Living one's life openly and honestly does change hearts and minds.  We will take plenty of photos and there will be some updates as the weekend progresses.

Main floor atrium - Kennedy Center

For those who would like to do something in honor of our wedding, we will be setting up a page at the Hampton Roads Community Foundation where tax deductible donations can be made to the Hamar/HRBOR Scholarship that the Foundation manages for HRBOR.  Details will follow.

A Father's Beautiful Letter to His Gay Son

Thanksgiving is only three days away and for many in the LGBT community it's a time of pain and hurt arising from parental and family rejection.  Rejection fueled most often by the parents and family members who cling to the ignorant writing of Bronze Age herders rather than exercise thought and analysis to discern that the Bible is fraught with inconsistencies and much that is ugly and down right horrible.  As longer term readers know, I was lucky and when I came out in mid-life, my parents accepted me without reservation (in honor of my late parents, I endowed a scholarship in their name for LGBT graduating high school students).  But others have been lucky too.  A piece in The New Civil Rights Movement reflects on one such happy story:

A father overheard his son making plans to come out to him. The son apparently was talking with his boyfriend.

The dad, who deserves a “Father of the Year” award, wrote him a letter to save him the trouble of coming out.

“Nate,” the dad writes, “I overheard your phone conversation with Mike last night about your plans to come out to me. The only thing I need you to plan is to bring home orange juice and bread after class. We are out, like you now.”
“I’ve known you were gay since you were six, I’ve loved you since you were born.”
“P.S. Your mom and I think you and Mike make a cute couple.”

We thought this was pretty cool, and tried to find the letter’s origins. Turns out, this was published back in March, but since we hadn’t seen it, we thought perhaps you might not have either.

The letter was published most recently here, but also earlier on Buzzfeed and The Huffington Post, and on FCKH8.com.

Kudos to this father.  He exemplifies good parenting unlike the "godly folk" who reject their own children because they are gay.   For those not as lucky as Nate in the letter discussed, please keep them in your thoughts and help them keep hope alive that someday their parents/families will have the scales peeled off their eyes and see the real truth: we are all equally human and all deserving of love.

University of Missouri-Kansas City Created Scholarship for Gay Students

All too often young LGBT individuals continue to find themselves disowned by family and cut off from financial resources as they seek to further their education and enroll in college.  I have personal friends who suffered this sad fate and this reality is part of what motivated me to provide the initial endowment for the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar/HRBOR scholarship nearly 2 years ago to aid LGBT students in financial need.  Apparently, the University of Missouri-Kansas City seemingly recognized the unique needs of LGBT applicants who have been cast out by "godly Christian" parents and left to their own devices for financing their education.   The result is a scholarship at that university.  Here are highlights via the Kansas City Star:

For all the increasing public acceptance of same-sex marriage (in Washington and elsewhere), for all the backlash against antigay bullying, for all the popularity of a TV show like “Modern Family,” which features a same-sex couple …

Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/2013/04/08/4169302/tuition-and-tolerance.html#storylink=cpy

It’s still not always easy being gay. Even on a college campus.  After all, if your parents just found out you’re gay and aren’t exactly cool with it, your days on that campus might be numbered. Especially if they’re footing the bills.

University of Missouri-Kansas City officials started talking about what they could do to help in that situation, and four years ago created a scholarship for gay students who suddenly find themselves facing a financial crisis. Two students got the scholarship in 2009-10, the first year. The following year: one. This school year? Three.

“This year was the greatest need we’ve seen,” says Kristi Ryujin, UMKC’s assistant vice chancellor for diversity, access and equity. “We have a long way to go still.”

The Pride Empowerment Scholarship is thought to be fairly unusual. The annual breakfast that raises money for it is Thursday; the event is sold out.  National Public Radio White House correspondent Ari Shapiro, who was on campus in March for a pride event, tweeted afterward: “Real privilege to speak at UMKC tonight. The school raises $ to help students whose parents kick them out for being gay. Bravo.”

Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/2013/04/08/4169302/tuition-and-tolerance.html#storylink=cpy

Since the scholarship was first offered, eight students have been awarded it. Files says he’s aware of the situations of this year’s other two recipients. One family basically said, “Don’t call us anymore.” The other was of the we’re-cutting-you-off variety.

One of this year’s recipients had been living in a “camp space,” Ryujin says.  The scholarship goes beyond financial assistance. Ryujin’s office keeps tabs on students and connects them with other campus resources, such as the university’s counseling center. UMKC also has an LGBTQIA Resource Center and a Pride Alliance student group.

Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/2013/04/08/4169302/tuition-and-tolerance.html#storylink=cpy

Kudos to the  University of Missouri-Kansas City!  Meanwhile, if any readers would like to contribute to the scholarship I founded, click on the image of my parents on their wedding day at right and make a contribution via the Hampton Roads Community Foundation which administers the scholarship.  Be sure to identify the Hamar/HRBOR scholarship as the intended recipient of the tax deductible donation.

A Story of Family Acceptance

I have noted many times on this blog as to how fortunate I was to have parents who accepted me without hesitation when I finally came out of the closet after decades of denial and endless amounts of self-hate.  Indeed, to reflect my endless gratitude and appreciation to my parents, I endowed the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar/HRBOR Scholarship that benefits LGBT graduating high school students (a link to the scholarship is at right on this blog).  But far too many LGBT individuals are not as lucky as I was.  Some find themselves disowned and cut off from their families both emotionally and financially.  This past weekend, New York Times columnist Frank Bruni shared a story of his own father's method of dealing with having a gay son.  Some of Bruni's father's initial ways of dealing with the news and his assessments of those who are not accepting of gays are reminiscent of my own dad's views.  Here are some column highlights:

FOR a long while, my father’s way of coping was to walk quietly from the room. He doesn’t remember this. I do. I can still see it, still feel the pinch in my chest when the word “gay” came up — perhaps in reference to some event in the news, or perhaps in reference to me — and he’d wordlessly take his leave of whatever conversation my mother and my siblings and I were having. He’d drift away, not in disgust but in discomfort, not in a huff but in a whisper.

And I was grateful. Discomfort beat rejection. So long as he wasn’t pushing me away, I didn’t need him to pull me in. Heart-to-hearts weren’t his style, anyway. With Dad you didn’t discuss longings, anxieties, hurts.

But at some point Dad, like America, changed. I don’t mean he grew weepy, huggy. I mean he traveled from what seemed to me a pained acquiescence to a different, happier, better place. He found peace enough with who I am to insist on introducing my partner, Tom, to his friends at the golf club. Peace enough to compliment me on articles of mine that use the same three-letter word that once chased him off. Peace enough to sit down with me over lunch last week and chart his journey, which I’d never summoned the courage to ask him about before. 

It’s been an extraordinary year, probably the most extraordinary yet in this country’s expanding, deepening embrace of gays and lesbians as citizens of equal stature, equal worth. For the first time, an American president still in office stated his belief that two men or two women should be able to marry. For the first time, voters themselves — not lawmakers, not courts — made same-sex marriage legal.

He’s 77. Closing in fast on 78. Hasn’t voted for a Democrat in a presidential election since Kennedy. Pledged a fraternity in college. Served as an officer in the Navy. Chose accounting as his profession. Remained married to his high school sweetheart, my mother, until she died in 1996, just shy of their 40th anniversary. He still mentions her daily.

She was the freer spirit, and I told her I was gay back in 1981, when I was 17. She implored me not to tell him — too risky, she said — and to let her handle it. A few years later, she informed me that she’d done so, and that was that. Dad said nothing to me. I said nothing to him. 

I was sure that he’d resolved simply to put what he’d learned about me out of his mind and pretend it didn’t exist. I was wrong. He was mulling it over, trying to figure it out. “It was just so unusual to me,” he recalled, groping for the right word. 

He’d heard it said that gay people were somehow stunted, maybe even ill. But that made no sense to him, because he was confident that I was neither of those things.  He’d heard it said that peculiar upbringings turned children gay. “I thought about it a lot,” he said, “and I came to the conclusion that it had to be in your genes, in you, because I couldn’t think how the environment for you was any different than it was for your two brothers.” 

He said he worried that I was in for a more difficult, less complete life than they and my sister were. I asked him why he’d never broached that with me. He said that it would have been an insult — that I was obviously smart enough to have assessed the terrain and figured out for myself how I was going to navigate it.

[W]hen I would write candidly about my life, as I did on occasion, he’d flinch a bit. Still does.

But he has decided that such writing is necessary. “There’s prejudice out there, and it’s good to fight that,” he said, adding that visibility and openness are obviously integral to that battle. “I’m convinced that people who don’t accept gays just don’t really know any of them.”  He’s increasingly irked at his political party, which he thinks is signing its own death warrant with its attitude toward gays, toward guns, toward immigrants. 

[H]e’s not prepared to say that what two committed men or two committed women share is anything less than what a man and a woman do. In any case, he noted, society is moving in only one direction on this front. And he’s O.K. with that. 

He shook his head: “I almost think I love you more for it — for being what you are rather than what was expected of you.” 

For far too many years I tried to be what I thought was expected.  Yes, I have three amazing children as a result, but it cause me, them and their mother much avoidable misery.   As for my dad, he went further than Bruni's father - he left the GOP in disgust over its anti-gay agenda.  Sadly, my dad did not live to meet the boyfriend, but he accepted my ex and the two of them used to call each other and chat on the phone.  That men like Bruni's dad and my late father can get it give hope that we are going to win the war against the Christofascists.