Deciding to Let Go of Religious Based Bigotry is a Choice

Growing up Roman Catholic I was brainwashed into viewing almost all sex as something bad and abhorrent - gay sex, of course, was in a category of its own and offered an express ticket to Hell and eternal damnation.  Thankfully, with therapy I got over the damage done to me by the nuns and the male clergy who we all know are most characterized by hypocrisy when not actively aiding and abetting predator priests.  Leaving the Catholic Church was another positive step and now I remain a nominal member of the ELCA - Evangelical Lutheran Church in America - which is gay friendly and affirming.  My point from all of this is that clinging to homophobic religious beliefs is a choice.  To do so, however, one needs to be willing to think and analyze for them self  and be willing to do some independent study - concepts that terrify religious fundamentalists of all faiths and which are condemned by the parasitic "holy men" who want their flocks ignorant and viewing them as the sole source of divine knowledge.  Without this monopoly, the need for such holy men and by extension ceases.  Something we are seeing as the number of Americans who label themselves as "Nones" skyrocketing.  

When one looks at letting go of religious based homophobia, one unlikely champion given her religious upbringing is Marie Osmond - the mother of a lesbian daughter.  Despite her Mormon background, she firmly supports same sex marriage - something no doubt frowned on by the elderly old men who continue to maintain a stranglehold on the Mormon Church.  A piece in Huffington Post from a few years ago looks at Osmond's position which is diametrically opposed to that of her brother Donnie.  Here are highlights:

Marie Osmond subtly re-affirmed her support of marriage equality in a poignant new interview.

The singer-actress, who is currently promoting her new memoir The Key Is Love: My Mother’s Wisdom, A Daughter’s Gratitude, spoke frankly about her daughter Jessica, who is openly gay.

“The God that I believe in is a god of love, not fear,” Osmond, who is a practicing Mormon, told Diane Sawyer.

As for same-sex marriage, Osmond noted, “I believe in [my daughter’s] civil rights, as a mother. I think that my daughter deserves everything that she desires in life. She’s a good girl. She’s a wonderful child.” She then added, “I don’t think God made one color flower. I think He made many.”

Osmond, 53, has spoken out in support of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights in previous years, usually citing Jessica’s role in that mindset. “I think everybody should have the right to share homes and finances with somebody that they care about,” she told KOST 103.5 Los Angeles in 2009. “You know on those types of things I’m very supportive. When it comes to marriage...I think that civil rights need to be for all.”

Meanwhile, Osmond’s brother Alan reportedly hosted a “pro-family” rally at the Utah State Capitol earlier this week, aimed at “benefitting the protection of marriage” from gay and lesbian Americans, according to Towleroad.

The take away?  The next time you hear of a parent rejecting an LGBT child, know that the evil lies with the parent who is intellectually lazy and more worried about what others may think of them than what is best for their child.  It is the ultimate form of selfishness.  

The Damage Parents do When They Bully Their Gay Children

I make no secret of the fact that I view raising LGBT children and youths in the homes of Christian fundamentalists (and other anti-gay religions adherents) as nothing short of child abuse and what ought to be a basis for the removal of children and youths from such home settings.  The further irony is that, despite the questionable actual carry through by school administrators, it is largely accepted that bullying of gay students is not acceptable.  Yet s is allowed to go on regularly in homes and be inflicted by parents as if children are chattel property of brutish and religiously brainwashed parents.  And as usual, behind much of the abuse and bullying is fundamentalist religion, the never ending scourge of mankind. As the Washington Post reports, a new study looks at the damage parental bullying of LGBT children and youths inflicts.  Here are excerpts:

Public tolerance for laws and practices that discriminate against LGBT people under the guise of religion has rapidly declined. President Obama last week called for an end to so-called conversion therapies that seek to “fix” LGBT youth in some fundamentalist Christian circles. Public support for marriage equality – overturning the traditional concept of “one man, one woman” – has ballooned. And the chorus of indignant voices responding to Indiana’s religious freedom law was so overwhelming that the state has had to hire a PR firm to repair its image.

Politicians and activists have been increasingly vocal about how businesses, churches and government institutions treat LGBT people – children and teenagers, in particular. But the most important arena has escaped wide criticism: their homes. The disdain and discrimination that many gay or gender non-conforming youth receive from their parents has the potential to do far more damage than hostility they experience from others. The evidence abounds: Kids lacking parental support for their sexual orientation are at higher risk for mental health problems, drug use, and unprotected sex. And the risk isn’t minor – those who felt rejected by their families are eight times more likely to have attempted suicide.

More than one in four LGBT youth say parents and relatives who don’t accept them are the biggest problem in their lives, according to a Human Rights Campaign survey. And the consequences have been tragic. In Ohio, transgender teen Leelah Alcorn committed suicide in January after her mother, Carla, rejected her gender identity and took her to conversion therapy. Discussing Leelah’s gender identity, Carla Alcorn later told CNN, “We don’t support that, religiously.” 

In North Carolina, transgender activist Blake Brockington, who was his school’s first transgender homecoming king, committed suicide last month. He had moved out of his parents’ home and stopped communicating with most of his family. The discrimination sexual minorities receive continues to have lethal effects over the course of their lives: One study found that sexual minorities living in communities with high levels of anti-gay prejudice experience a life expectancy 12 years shorter than those living in more supportive communities. 

Unsupportive families also lead to high rates of homelessness for LGBT youth nationwide. In Los Angeles and certain other urban areas, they make up as much as 35 percent of the homeless population. 

Science shows that when LGBT young people get the parental support they need, it puts them on the road to a healthy adulthood. Recent research found that LGB young adults with greater family support show lower cortisol reactivity – a measure of stress – to a lab stress test. By comparison, the level of peer support LGB youth received didn’t have a significant effect on stress response.

What’s missing here are public policies and campaigns to improve the family context for LGBT kids. Other countries are already leading the way: Argentina, Brazil, Colombia, and Mexico all have had government-led campaigns seeking to change homophobic attitudes.

Federal and state governments also could help by channeling funding to community organizations that support of LGBT youth, as they do for other at-risk groups.

Over the past few years we’ve seen a transformation in policies at the federal, state, and municipal levels: marriage equality, drivers’ license sex change laws, the expanded hate crimes laws, and laws to prevent school-based bullying.. . . . LGBT kids are increasingly protected in school, but as long as they live in homes where parents have a free pass to mock or criticize them for failing to meet expectations about what it means to be a man or a woman, our work is not done.

I have known too many gays raised in fundamentalist homes and many even in adulthood have not put the emotional and psychological abuse they experienced fully behind them.  Thus, next time you see some spittle flecked pastor ranting against gays or hear a parent citing religion as justification for abusing their gay children, call them out.  They need to become political and social lepers that decent, moral people have nothing to do with and openly condemn.  They deserve no deference and absolutely no respect whatsoever.  They are monsters in my view. 

Parental Acceptance and Fond Memories of My Parents.

Today would have been my late parents' 64th wedding anniversary.   They are pictured above on their wedding day. Ironically, my husbands' parents were also married on June 3, 1950, at approximately the same time of day as my parents.  Talk about weird coincidences.  Not surprisingly, I thought of my parents frequently today and the way they were wonderfully supportive and accepting when I came out in mid-life after 24 years of marriage.  Sadly, not all LGBT individuals are as lucky as I was and, in honor of my parents, in April 2011, I endowed a permanent scholarship fund (contributions are tax deductible) in their honor and in honor of Hampton Roads Business OutReach ("HRBOR") which I helped found shortly after my father's death.   I miss my parents everyday.  Here are highlights from a post I wrote back in 2011:

I provided the initial funding to establish the scholarship for a number of reasons, not the least of which was to honor my parents who always valued education and who were unwavering in their support of me when I came out. In fact, when I was telling them that I was gay and made a remark that I hoped that they would not disown me, my father - not always the easiest of individuals to get along with - was indignant that I'd even think such a thing about them. He honestly could not conceive of any decent parent who would disown their own child merely because they were gay. Unfortunately, many parents do not follow my late parents' example. And as a result, LGBT youth make up a disproportionate percentage of homeless youths because too many parents prefer to cling to religious based bigotry or worry about what others will think rather than stand by their children.

Other LGBT youths, if not disowned and homeless, nonetheless can find themselves cut off from family resources and may never have an opportunity to got to college. Sadly, I know a significant number of individuals who suffered this disheartening experience. It's a tragedy. I sincerely hope that this scholarship will help offset such bigotry in small part and over time will grow and provide benefit for more aspiring LGBT youth each year. 

Please consider making a donation - either in honor of my parents or my marriage to my husband. 

We Are Married - Wedding Reflections Pt 2

The reaction to my post yesterday-  and a link to it that I put on Facebook - about our wedding in Washington, D.C., has been amazing and overwhelmingly supportive.  I've literally heard from people I haven't heard from in a long time.   My husband has had a similar experience with his clients and Facebook friends.  We are both looking forward to the reception for family and friends this summer when we will get to celebrate with those unable to be with us in Washington, D.C.

I've been asked repeatedly whether or not I/we feel any different.  The simple answer is "Not really."  We have been together for nearly six years and have lived together for a little over five years.  Our day to day routines will change very little in reality.  But on a different level, things have changed completely.  The government of the United States of America and its agencies recognize us as married spouses and we now are entitled to all the federal benefits that go along with such recognition.  Moreover, while Virginia ay still refuse to recognize the legal status of our relationship, our friends and neighbors and many others now see us as lawfully married.  It is a huge difference:

Click image to enlarge

The other thing that is different is that when we were married yesterday, I had no concerns about conforming to societal expectations.  Thankfully, I have put concerns for what others will think behind me.  Indeed, one could argue that by getting married we both ignored traditional societal expectations - or at least those that were the norm when I married my former wife.

Those many years ago when I married my former wife - who I truly hope has found happiness - I was deep in denial to myself and everyone else as to who I really was and who I was attracted to and likely to fall in love with.   With homosexuality literally classified as a form of mental illness until my last year of college, being gay was just something too horrible to contemplate.  Particularly when you added in my Roman Catholic upbringing.  The result? An endless struggle to be "what was expected" and to "change myself."  It did not work in the long run.  Perhaps my first marriage was fated to happen since three wonderful children were the outcome.  Yet I hurt my former wife and suffered silently for decades with self-loathing and self-hate because I could not "change" as the Church and the ex-gay ministries promised could be the case.

Thankfully, I am long past where I was when I first started this blog.  Readers from those early years will likely recall some of the dark posts - and even the suicide attempts.  Amazingly, I have now achieved the image of what I longed for when I first began the coming out process: I am in a committed, legally recognized relationship with a wonderful man who I love deeply and, mercifully, I am on good terms with my three children who we referenced in our wedding ceremony and vowed to embrace as our common children.

My message to others making the journey I made is to think positive.  What you seek is possible.  As for the ex-gay quacks and charlatans, I hold them in utter contempt.  For the love of money and a psychological sickness they continue to ruin the lives of so many, including straight spouses who they apparently view as acceptable collateral damage.  We all need to live our lives as we are and as the Creator made us to be.

The husband, his father and me

Prop 8 Lawyer Charles Cooper Now Supports Same Sex Marriage

Activists and news junkies like myself will remember that Charles Cooper argued before the United States Supreme Court that Proposition 8 was constitutional and Cooper opposed same sex marriage.  Then an amazing thing happened: Cooper's stepdaughter came out as lesbian.  Now she is getting married to her partner and Cooper is helping with the wedding planning.  This about face shows the power of LGBT individuals living their lives "out" and proud.  It does changes hearts and minds.  True, some us will not have the positive experience of Cooper's stepdaughter, but in the larger scheme of things being out will create change.  A piece in Slate looks at Charles Cooper's stunning "evolution" on same sex marriage.  Here are highlights:

The lawyer who argued before the Supreme Court last year in defense of California’s Proposition 8 that banned gay marriage in the state, says his views on same-sex marriage are evolving. It’s a stunning change of heart from attorney Charles Cooper who argued before the court that same-sex unions weaken marriages between a man and a woman.

The reason behind Cooper’s rethink on the issue is an understandable one—during the high profile case, he learned his stepdaughter was gay. "My views evolve on issues of this kind the same way as other people's do, and how I view this down the road may not be the way I view it now, or how I viewed it ten years ago," Cooper is quoted as saying in an upcoming book, the Associated Press reports. In journalist Jo Becker’s book "Forcing the Spring: Inside the Fight for Marriage Equality," Becker recounts how, as the case rose through the court system, “Cooper's family began to consider the plaintiffs in the case, Kris Perry and Sandy Stier, as an inspiration for their daughter,” according to the AP.

With the case resolved, and Prop 8 dismissed by the Supreme Court, signaling a victory for gay rights advocates, Cooper opened up about his evolving personal opinion on gay marriage. Cooper’s stepdaughter plans to marry her partner in Massachusetts this summer. In a statement to the AP: Cooper said his family "is typical of families all across America." "My daughter Ashley's path in life has led her to happiness with a lovely young woman named Casey, and our family and Casey's family are looking forward to celebrating their marriage in just a few weeks," he said.

Hate group leader Tony Perkins and NOM's Brian Brown must be acting as if someone just peed big time in their Cheerios.  I can just imagine the flying spittle. 

The Changing Boundaries of Gay Rights

Paul Singer

The world is changing despite the efforts of many in the Republican Party to drag America back to some of the worse abuses and callousness of the Gilded Age.  One only need look at GOP efforts to slash the social safety net for the less fortunate, allow large corporations to run amok without consequences, disenfranchise minority voters, and fuel soaring wealth disparities to see it happening.  But no all Republicans are intent on going back to a time when there was less equality and gays in particularly were - when not openly criminalized - supposed to stay not only inferior but invisible.  A column in the New York Times looks at the efforts of billionaire Paul Singer to force the GOP to pick up the gay rights banner.  Here are column excerpts:

[Paul Singer] was announcing a new project to be funded, at least at the outset, by him and other conservative donors but to be run by the Human Rights Campaign, an L.G.B.T. advocacy group in Washington, which is much more closely affiliated with Democrats. The initiative will be dedicated to fighting the victimization of gays and lesbians internationally. But it will also show that there are Republicans — not a majority, but an increasingly impassioned minority — who are intent on progress and justice for L.G.B.T. people. They won’t surrender that cause to Democrats, and they believe that Republicans who do so are resisting a future that’s both just and inevitable.

“Unless America engages in a terrible, terrible retreat from freedom, towards fascism, communism, whatever — some totalitarian harsh state — this seems inexorable,” Singer told me, meaning equal rights, including the spread of gay marriage, for which he has campaigned with particular energy.

Although Singer declined to discuss specific conversations with individual politicians, other Republicans have told me that he is close to, and has discussed gay rights with, Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey, who recently backed off a legal challenge to gay marriage in that state, which became the 14th in which gays and lesbians can legally wed. 

I’ve also been told that Singer has had such talks with Senator Rob Portman, the Ohio Republican who came out for gay marriage, citing his love for his gay son. Singer also has a gay son — and a gay son-in-law. The two men are married. 

His vision of how Republicans must evolve was echoed in a subsequent conversation that I had with Daniel Loeb, another New York hedge-fund billionaire who has given lavishly to conservatives. Loeb is Singer’s principal financial partner in the H.R.C. international project; Singer has already committed $1.5 million, and Loeb has promised a similar amount over its first years.

When I asked Loeb if opposition to gay rights would increasingly hurt Republicans in elections, he said: “Absolutely. It’s where the country’s gone, and if they don’t go with it, they’ll lose a very important demographic. They already have lost some young people.” Surveys show that more than 70 percent of Americans under 30 favor marriage equality.

All of the 55 senators in the Democratic majority have endorsed it, as have four Republicans, excluding Portman, who appears to be leaning that way. His vote would give supporters the 60 they need to overcome a filibuster. 

BUT the bill’s odds aren’t great in the House, whose Republican majority is more conservative on gay rights than the Republican electorate nationally seems to be.

[T]o appeal on a national level to independent voters, young voters and minorities, the party badly needs to amend its ossifying image as an archaic refuge for scolds at odds with modernity itself. An embrace of gay rights, even a partial one, is a great place to start. It could give Republicans a chance to stanch some of the bleeding from the federal shutdown and from continuing rifts over immigration. 

[T]he international initiative has a fascinating wrinkle. In addition to training L.G.B.T. advocates outside the United States and publicizing the failings of especially repressive countries, it intends to name and shame American religious zealots who sponsor antigay campaigns abroad. So Republican money may wind up challenging a constituency within the party. (We’re most definitely not in Kansas anymore.)

In Singer’s view, gay rights are consistent with a Republican philosophy of individual liberty, and gay marriage is “an augmenter of social stability, family stability and stability in raising kids.” In other words, it’s conservative. 

All in all, he has pumped more than $17 million of his own money over the last decade or so into gay rights. And he privately tells Republicans leaning toward pro-equality positions that if they face fire from antigay groups, he’ll help them round up retaliatory funds.

Cher Tells Russia/Putin to Shove It, Turns Down Offer to Do Opening of 2014 Olympics

I have been a fan of Cher for a long, long time.  I of an age where I remember when she and Sonny Bono first appeared on television in the 1960's.  She has her detractors (especially among the Christofascist set), but she has never been afraid to speak her mind and she stood by Chaz Bono when he transitioned with no reluctance.  Now, she indicates that she was asked to a main act for the opening ceremonies for the 2014 Winter Olympics and she said no.  She will not go to an anti-gay country like Russia.  Hopefully, other major acts will follow suit and refuse to perform in Russia and make it perfectly clear why Russia has become a country to be avoided.  Russian may pretend that they don't care, but Russia has a long history of wanting to be accepted as a fully modern and western country.  When major stars and cultural exchanges refuse to visit, it will make a difference in the longer term.  I hope it ultimate bites Vladimir Putin in the ass big time.  Here are story highlights:

Her voice—that famous contralto—has kept Cher on the Billboard charts, on TV and in films for more than five decades. She is one of only 16 people on the planet to be part of the EGO club—a rarefied circle of performers who have won an Emmy, a Grammy and an Oscar. And a Tony win may be in the cards in the future as she plans to stage a Broadway musical about her life. Her 26th album, Closer to the Truth, due out Sept. 24, comes more than a decade after her last full-length disc. Already, her latest single, Woman’s World, has made it to the Billboard dance club songs chart—her eighth No. 1 hit.  

Q: What do you think about what’s going on in Russia right now?

A: I can’t name names but my friend called who is a big oligarch over there, and asked me if I’d like to be an ambassador for the Olympics and open the show. I immediately said no. I want to know why all of this gay hate just exploded over there. He said the Russian people don’t feel the way the government does.

The Death Toll from Homophobia and Family Rejection

With a new grandson of my own I am not surprisingly reminiscing about the births of my own three children and how the center of my whole world changed with their arrival into my life.  When speaking to my daughter yesterday, I teased her that now she would understand a parent's worry about their child and perhaps understand better the things that I and my former wife did to keep them safe and happy.  Sadly, some parents don't seem to get that message and, worse yet, reject their children out of slavish belief in ancient myths s that modern knowledge increasingly disproveand the propaganda of those who blogger friend Bob Felton calls the "holy men" whose number one concern is power and control over their congregations.  These "holy men" are the antithesis of family and proper parental love and support for ones children.   Here are two quotes from Albert Mohler of the Southern Baptist Convention that make this point:

As the Gospels make clear, loyalty to Christ exceeds that of any family commitment, . . .

The believer in Christ acknowledges him as Savior and Lord, with an allegiance that exceeds any earthly commitment. 

Bob goes on to correctly note in the context of the Supreme Court gay marriage rulings that the only thing impacted is as follows: "All that is marginalized and subverted is the power of the clergy — and that’s a good thing."

As note, too many people continue to cling to the lies and bullshit peddled by despicable, power hungry individuals like Mohler who in the final analysis don't give a damn about others.  And the consequences of such unthinking and foul allegiance to the rants of the holy men has all too often deadly consequences. A piece in Huffington Post reveals how one set of parents learned this the hard way and lost their son - their refusal to accept his homosexuality basically killed him in the end - as a consequence.  Religion and "faith" are too often a toxic evil and anything but a "common good" as claimed by Pope Francis.  Here are article highlights:

On the night of Nov. 20, 2001, a conversation held over Instant Messenger changed our lives forever. Our 12-year-old son messaged me in my office from the computer in his bedroom.

Ryan says: can i tell u something
Mom says: Yes I am listening
Ryan says: well i don't know how to say this really but, well......, i can't keep lying to you about myself. I have been hiding this for too long and i sorta have to tell u now. By now u probably have an idea of what i am about to say.
Ryan says: I am gay
Ryan says: i can't believe i just told you
Mom says: Are you joking?
Ryan says: no
Ryan says: i thought you would understand because of uncle don
Mom says: of course I would
Mom says: but what makes you think you are?
Ryan says: i know i am
Ryan says: i don't like hannah
Ryan says: it's just a cover-up
Mom says: but that doesn't make you gay...
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: but u don't understand
Ryan says: i am gay
Mom says: tell me more
Ryan says: it's just the way i am and it's something i know
Ryan says: u r not a lesbian and u know that. it is the same thing
Mom says: what do you mean?
Ryan says: i am just gay
Ryan says: i am that
Mom says: I love you no matter what
Ryan says: i am white not black
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: i am a boy not a girl
Ryan says: i am attracted to boys not girls
Ryan says: u know that about yourself and i know this
Mom says: what about what God thinks about acting on these desires?
Ryan says: i know
Mom says: thank you for telling me
Ryan says: and i am very confused about that right now
Mom says: I love you more for being honest
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: thanx

We were completely shocked. Not that we didn't know and love gay people; my only brother had come out to us several years before, and we adored him. But Ryan? He was unafraid of anything, tough as nails and all boy. We had not seen this coming, and the emotion that overwhelmed us, kept us awake at night and, sadly, influenced all our reactions over the next six years was fear.

We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible, the Word of God, should say:

We love you. We couldn't love you more. But there are other men who have faced this same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires. We'll get you their books; you can listen to their testimonies. And we will trust God with this.

We thought we understood the magnitude of the sacrifice that we -- and God -- were asking for. And this sacrifice, we knew, would lead to an abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards. Ryan had always felt intensely drawn to spiritual things; He desired to please God above all else. So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls. He memorized Scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly, enthusiastically participated in all the church youth group events and Bible Studies and got baptized. He read all the books that claimed to know where his gay feelings came from . . . .

But nothing changed. God didn't answer his prayer, or ours, though we were all believing with faith that the God of the Universe, the God for whom nothing is impossible, could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.

Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between Jesus and his sexuality. We forced him to make a choice between God and being a sexual person. Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime condemned to being alone. He would never have the chance to fall in love, have his first kiss, hold hands, share intimacy and companionship or experience romance.

We had unintentionally taught Ryan to hate his sexuality. And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself. So as he began to use drugs, he did so with a recklessness and a lack of caution for his own safety that was alarming to everyone who knew him.

Suddenly our fear of Ryan someday having a boyfriend (a possibility that honestly terrified me) seemed trivial in contrast to our fear of Ryan's death, especially in light of his recent rejection of Christianity and his mounting anger at God.

Now, when I think back on the fear that governed all my reactions during those first six years after Ryan told us he was gay, I cringe as I realize how foolish I was. I was afraid of all the wrong things. And I grieve, not only for my oldest son, whom I will miss every day for the rest of my life, but for the mistakes I made. I grieve for what could have been, had we been walking by faith instead of by fear. Now, whenever Rob and I join our gay friends for an evening, I think about how much I would love to be visiting with Ryan and his partner over dinner. But instead, we visit Ryan's gravestone.

We weep. We seek Heaven for grace and mercy and redemption as we try not to get better but to be better. And we pray that God can somehow use our story to help other parents learn to truly love their children. Just because they breathe.

What is so troubling about this story is that Ryan's torment and ultimate death is not unique.  I lived with self-hate for years and only got over it when I opened my eyes and realized that all of the teachings I had received from the Catholic Church on sexuality were lies promulgated by morally bankrupt men who were little better than criminals given the cover ups exposed when the sex abuse scandal exploded in Boston.  Unlike Ryan, I had parents who never wavered in their support of me and who welcomed my boyfriends with open arms. Unfortunately, many LGBT individuals never get over the brainwashing and self-hate.  Two friends ultimately killed themselves and another became a debilitated alcoholic.  All because their families could not let go of ignorance and myths derived from Bronze Age nomads.

Again, the irony is that the Christofascists claim that gays and gay marriage threaten marriage and the family, yet is they themselves who constitute the larger threat.  Gays don't advocate for the rejection of family members, whereas the Christofascists do.  They have so much blood on their hands.  They are evil.

Father's Day Reflections

I lost my father on September 26, 2006, and rarely a day goes by that I don't think of him.  He was a tough taskmaster for his children and expected us to excel in school- which we all did - and taught us how to do all sorts of things from roofing barns and the summer home to doing concrete work and simple plumbing tasks. 

Orphaned at age 3 and raised to age 16 in an orphanage that used the children do do all kinds of labor and tasks.   World War II started and he soon found himself in the Army Corps of Engineers as a First Lieutenant and crossed the English Channel the day after D-Day.  He was only 18 at the time (see image above).  He finished the War as Fire Marshall of Marseilles after seeing much of France and Paris during the last years of the War.  He used the GI bill to put himself through Syracuse University where he met my mother.  He went on to raise five children, put us all through school and remained there to support us as tough times and turbulence came along.  When I came out, he amazed many people by accepting me unquestioningly.  He wasn't an easy person to have as a dad at times, but especially in retrospect, his heart was always in the right place.  I miss him greatly and wish that he had lived long enough to meet my partner, Barry.

Today, I find myself the father of three and grandfather to one, with another grandchild due within the next two weeks or so.  Through my son-in-law, I also have a step-granddaughter (pictured holding my granddaughter).  We hear much from the Christofascists about gays being unfit parents and all sorts of horrible anti-gay propaganda.  Like most everything that comes from these hate-filled, unloving "godly Christians," none of it is true.  Like my dad, I may not have been the easiest dad to my kids, but I hope they know that my heart was always in the right place, even during the worse moments of my coming out transition and my very nasty divorce.

Yesterday we attended a cookout at the boyfriend's father's home that included my youngest daughter and her family and the pastor of my father-in-law's church.  My daughter and son-in-law gave us a wonderful card (it is addressed to both me and the boyfriend).  Here's a portion of the written note inside it:

"We don't know what we would have done/what we would do without you both.  We love you so much and Kyleah and Mia are so lucky to have you both in their lives."

We feel blessed to have them in our lives. These sweet girls will grow up knowing the truth about gays as opposed to the lies disseminated about us.

My message to readers who are struggling with coming out after marriage and children is to hang in there.  It does get better and time is on your side when it comes to your relationships with your children.  It's a message that my therapist tried to beat into my head and he was right.  Things may not move on the schedule we want - I am one for immediate gratification and low on patience - but despite the current darkness, a bright future is there ahead.  Live you life proudly and openly be true to who you are.  And always let your children know that you are there for them. Your children will eventually figure it out. 

Parental Rejection - The Bible As a Message of Hate - America's Got Talent

As regular readers know, I hold "godly Christians" who disown their own children for being gay in utter contempt.  Such individuals are utterly despicable and underscore the reality that those who profess piety and cling to a few selective Bible passages (passages that originated with ignorant, uneducated authors) are NOT nice people and clearly people worthy of one shred of deference or respect.  They are horrible people.  The video clip below is of a 20 year who was disowned by his parents who "did not like his lifestyle" who wowed the folks at America's Got Talent.  Kudos to Jonathan Allen and shame on his parents who I hope will find themselves met with well deserved ridicule and contempt.  When I hear being gay referred to as a lifestyle choice I know that either the party making the statement is (i) an ignorant ass, or (ii) an raging bigot.  Being gay is about as much of a lifestyle choice as breathing.  Personally, if I was Jonathan, I'd write his folks off, go on to do great things and treat his parents as they treated him.  Here's the video:

David Mixner states the matter well on his blog:

In the most moving moment for the LGBT community in the history of America's Got Talent, a young gay youth who appeared last night absolutely had America fall in love with him. The young sweet man was kicked out of his home in Tennessee for being gay. His parents kicked him out of his house on his 18th birthday. Be prepared to be inspired, proud and moved with this Susan Boyle moment! 

The boyfriend and I were both verklempt watching the clip  As a parent of three children myself, I cannot comprehend how one can consciously decide to embrace ignorance and bigotry and disown one's own child.  Perhaps Allen and his parents will reconcile.  In my view, they deserve to burn in Hell.  By the way, has anyone told them that Adam and Eve never existed?   They have disowned their own son why?  In sum, religion is a foul, toxic force that produce more ill fruits than positive benefits.

P.S. "Time to Say Goodbye" is one of my favorites and was one of the musical selections at my late mother's memorial service.

Facing Down Hate and Homophobia

This blog has looked at writings of the blogger known as Amelia who has recounted her experiences as a mother of a young boy who seemingly is gay.  Her posts can make you laugh, cry and cheer.  She definitely calls things as she sees them and often doesn't mince her words.  Her writing style is wonderful as an added treat.  Until now, she has remained anonymous.  But now, she is "coming out" as "Amelia" - a fierce gay ally - and has been photographed by Adam Bouska of the NOH8 Campaign.  She's keeping her name confidential, but she's showing that she's a living, breathing person and a mother ready to do battle for her child.  In a post in the Huffington Post Amelia recounts her journey as a blogger and gay rights supporter and her decision to no longer remain anonymous.  We need allies like Amelia who are willing to face down haters and argue for LGBT equality.  Here are some post highlights:

When the first blog post I wrote went viral, I was shocked and overwhelmed. Being a blogger was never on my bucket list, and it was something I was completely unprepared for. I called my father to let him know what was going on. He was well aware of my son's crush on Glee's Blaine, so there was no surprise there. Instead, his reaction went like this:  "Are you anonymous?" he asked, his voice low and intent.  "Yeah, Dad, totally."  He continued in that same tone: "Good. Now I don't have to worry about you being shot."

I know that that might seem a little melodramatic, but I don't think my father's concerns were totally unfounded. In our society, being loud and proud in support of LGBT rights has, many times, led to violence. And here we were in a red state that will probably be the 40th or so to have marriage equality. Like my father, all I could think about was the safety of my kids. It made the decision easy: I started out anonymous, and I was going to stay that way.

That was over a year and a half ago, and I have learned a lot since then. Anonymity comes with a price. Although my close friends and family know I'm the blogger known as Amelia, most of the people I deal with every day don't. At first it was fine. I was so overwhelmed by the whole thing that it honestly helped to think of what was going on as though it were happening to someone else. 

[W]hen I talk to my friends about things happening with Amelia, they often stop me and say, "Hon, you are Amelia." And they are right. I am the one dealing with the hard stuff, the bad stuff. I am the one who loses sleep when I am up all night responding to emails from LGBT kids. I am the one reading the hate messages. I am the one who struggles to figure out what to say next. 

And as any LGBT person who has lived in the closet can tell you, being two people sucks. There is so much lying. It makes me crazy. I can't count the number of times someone has asked me why I look tired, what I did over the weekend or why I'm distracted, and the answer, the true answer, is on the tip of my tongue, and I have to swallow it back. I end up saying something like, "Things are crazy at home," or, "Things are nuts at work," when what I really want to say is, "I've been Amelia a lot lately." And the truth is that I've spent a lot of time being Amelia. Responding to the messages from LGBT kids and adults has become a huge part of my life, and a part I love. I often spend entire evenings online or on the phone with teens, LGBT adults or parents of LGBT or gender-nonconforming kids. And some of these people have become my very good friends. There are weeks when I spend more hours being Amelia than I do on the job that pays all our bills.

I get nasty comments and emails. People threaten to steal my son from me so that they can "make a man out of him." People tell me that they are waiting for the chance to "beat the fag out of him." This is my kid they are talking about, and it is my job to keep him safe. He is just a little boy. So no matter how difficult and annoying anonymity might be, I still think it is the right choice for my kid.

And here's where the difficult part comes in. I feel like complete anonymity is getting in the way of what my blog posts are all about: reaching out to people and being damn proud of my kid. But how proud can I really be if I'm speaking from behind a faceless headshot? I'm hiding behind a mask, and it feels wrong. I am so proud of my kid. I am so proud that I get to be his mom. And I am proud that I get to write about our life and share it with the readers of The Huffington Post.

So I've finally arrived at a compromise: I am going to continue being "Amelia," and the most I'll show of my kid is the back of his head. There are too many threats to my family for me to reveal everything about who I am. (The emails I get can be seriously nasty.) But I am not going to hide my face any longer. It is time for me to show some pride and give some real visibility to the woman, the mom, who is sharing our family's story. So, with the help of the fabulous guys at the NOH8 Campaign (something else I am so proud to put my face on), I have a photo to show. Here I am, tattoos and all. I am Amelia.  

Kudos to you Amelia.   Being a blogger who argues for LGBT equality and acceptance does bring the hate filled e-mails and on occasion death threats (which is why for a while I stopped allowing anonymous comments).  It is ALWAYS the "godly Christian" folk who write the horrible messages, dripping with hate and threats on violence.  

On the positive side, I also receive wonderful supportive e-mails and many "thank you" messages.  And like Amelia, I do speak on the phone with some readers, especially men coming out after marriage and kids who often just need a friendly listener or someone who can tell them that the CAN and WILL survive the journey no matter how arduous it may seem at times.

Coming Out to One's Anti-Gay Father

 

One thing that continues to strike me is the irony that many of the most vociferous homophobes are the parents of gay children, e.g., Phyllis Schlafly is but one example.  Another is Charles W. Socarides, M.D., the father of gay rights activist Richard Socarides.  The elder Socarides not only is anti-gay, but was a founder of NARTH, which continues to maintain that homosexuality is a form of mental illness that can be "cured" through psychotherapy despite the positions of every legitimate medical and mental health association.  Personally, I believe that the only mental illness involved is that on the part of parents who cannot accept their gay children, especially those like Schlafly who blame sexual orientation on poor parenting.  In The New Yorker Richard Socarides has an interesting article that looks at his situation with his father.  Here are highlights:

Ever since I first knew I was gay, which for me was early on—as a teenager—I have been conflicted about talking about my father and our relationship. By the time I was in high school and felt the first attraction to other boys, he was a renowned New York psychiatrist—Dr. Charles W. Socarides, M.D.—famous mostly for being an early proponent of the theory that homosexuality is a mental illness that can be cured through psychotherapy.

I was never interested in changing my sexual orientation. For some reason, despite my background, I always considered it a gift and just a part of who I was.

There were challenges. Often, especially before I was out of the closet, I felt I had to hide my sexual orientation in order to avoid the notoriety that would have accompanied such a disclosure by the son of one of the founders of so-called gay-conversion therapy.

As I became an advocate for gay rights, I wanted very much for that work to stand on its own, and not viewed in the context of my father’s reputation. I was also sometimes embarrassed for him, as his professional reputation became interconnected with a theory that was, over time, wholly discredited. And it was just plain irritating to be asked, over and over again, if I was related to that crazy anti-gay doctor (and to have to say yes). With this backdrop, it was difficult, over the years until his death in 2005, to hold on to the residual affection I had for him as just my dad.

I think that coming out is the strongest and most important political act any gay person can take. It lets others know who we are, and, as I learned in politics, if you personally know a gay person, it is harder to support any kind of discrimination against him or her.

I don’t think my coming out to my dad was harder or easier than anyone else’s. I didn’t come out to the founder of conversion therapy. I came out to my father.

Richard Socarides talks about his coming out to his dad here:

Gay Son Doesn’t ChangeBigoted Congressman’s View on Gay Marriage

North Carolina blogger Bob Felton often correctly notes that even though the Christofascists love to wrap themselves in the cloak of "family values," conservative Christianity is in fact anything but family friendly.  Rather, one is encouraged to put God before all else, family first and foremost, and if one's family gets in the way of this allegiance, then they are to be discarded and shunned.  When faced with having a gay son, GOP Senator Rob Portman did the moral thing and embraced his son and did an about turn on gay marriage.  Sadly, GOP Rep. Matt Salmon of Arizona - who is Mormon - has chosen the opposite path.  While claiming to love and care about his son, he prefers to cling to ignorance and bigotry rather than embrace his son and support gay marriage.  I continually am shocked and saddened to see individuals like Salmon prefer to base their moral judgments on the writings and myths of ignorant nomads from the centuries before - individuals who knew less about biology and a host of modern knowledge matters than a typical middle school student.  In my view, individuals like Salmon suffer from some sick psychological syndrome if they put ignorance and hate based religious views before their own family members.    Pieces in the Washington Post and Think Progress look at Salmon's sickness and failure to be moved by the testimony of his own son.  Here are highlights from the Post article:

“I don’t support the gay marriage,” the congressman said. But Salmon emphasized that he loved and respected his son and did not consider homosexuality a choice.

“My son is by far one of the most important people in my life. I love him more than I can say,” an emotional Salmon told 3TV. “It doesn’t mean that I don’t have respect, it doesn’t mean that I don’t sympathize with some of the issues. It just means I haven’t evolved to that stage.”

Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) recently endorsed gay marriage, saying his son’s homosexuality inspired him to change his position.

A staunch social conservative, Salmon voted for the Defense of Marriage Act and for a ban on gay adoptions in Washington, D.C. His wife, Nancy Salmon, led the Arizona chapter of the group United Families International during an unsuccessful 2006 fight to ban gay marriage, civil unions and domestic partnerships in the state constitution. (A narrower marriage amendment was passed two years later).

“We respect each others’ opinions and we just know that on certain issues we have to agree to disagree,” the congressman’s son, Matt R. Salmon, told The Post. “I love my father and realize that he can have the opinions that he has, and they might differ from mine, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about him.”

In a 2010 interview with the Phoenix New Times, the then-22-year-old revealed that he was dating Kent Flake, the second cousin of Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.). In the article both young men, who have since broken up, discussed coming out to their conservative Mormon families.

“The first time I had a conversation with [my father] about it, it did not go well. He was very upset and said some things right off that I know he doesn’t really feel,” Salmon revealed. “He’s never called me any slurs or anything like that, but he made it clear he didn’t like it.”

The younger Salmon said his father came to support his activism even if he didn’t agree with it, a point he emphasized in a 2011 “It Gets Better” video describing his experience with his family, with bullies and with gay “conversion” therapy:

Salmon's son has taken the high road on the issue and I respect him for it.  However, as a father of three children myself, I cannot comprehend how any decent and truly loving father can take the stance of Rep. Salmon.  He's a hypocrite if he says he loves his son yet clings to the ignorant bullshit peddled by his church.  It is simply sick and underscores to me the great evil that is continually caused by religion.  The world would be a better place if it were free of religion, especially fundamentalists and ignorance embracing religion.

Christofascists Continue to Go Berserk Over Rob Portman's Embrace of Gay Marriage

 

Often it seems the best arguments for LGBT rights and gay marriage are the Christofascists themselves  as they unwittingly display just how horrible and hate filled they are by almost any objective standard.  For example, in the context of the pending gay marriage cases, some of amicus briefs filed by the "godly Christian" crowd fairly drip with anti-gay animus and batshit craziness in general.  Nothing helps one's cause more than having outright lunatics and hate mongers as your principle opponents.  And in the wake of Senator Rob Portman's epiphany on same sex marriage, the spittle from the godly set is flying in sheets and the personal attacks on Portman are likely underscoring just how un-Christian the self anointed pious set has become.  A rant in the American Thinker - which describes itself as a "daily internet publication devoted to the thoughtful exploration of issues of importance to Americans" is a case in point:

In another case in the annals of conservative "adaptation" to yesterday's liberal innovation, Ohio Republican senator Rob Portman has just announced that he now supports faux marriage. The change was motivated, he said, by his son having come out to him and his wife as a homosexual.

Well, it's a good thing his son didn't announce that he was involved in bestiality.  Talk about a pandering parent.

We can also talk here about letting your personal life influence your public policy. If I were a statesman and learned that a child of mine were hooked on cocaine or had joined the Taliban, I wouldn't change my position on drug policy or terrorism. Of course, Portman has said that his son's revelation inspired some soul searching, and, true, life events can spur thought and intellectual growth. But is his decision really the fruits of sound intellectual analysis?

In an interview on his Obamaesque evolution, Portman talked about his "Christian faith," "love and compassion," and the Golden Rule. As to the last thing, I would certainly want others to do unto me as they would have me do unto them (unless they happen to be masochists), and this would include leading me toward Truth and virtue -- not away from them.

The fact is that God and His law come even before family; "Blood is not thicker than morality," as Dr. Laura Schlessinger once put it. And while this may seem a harsh prescription, it is actually the only way to do right by your family.

There's much more of this drivel which clearly shows that the level of "thoughtful exploration" at American Thinker is limited indeed.   No doubt parents who have thrown away their gay children and forced them to homelessness hold views akin to those of the author of this excrement.  To such "godly" folk, we gays truly are not viewed as even human.  

Elderly CPAC Attendees and Pastors Attack Portman

In a post this morning I looked at the stunning but welcomed reversal of Ohio Senator Robert Portman on the issue of gay marriage.  Another post also looked at the growing strains between the younger conservatives and the Bible thumping older crowd at CPAC on social issues.  Think Progress spoke with some of the latter set and not surprisingly, the spittle was flying and Portman was under attack.  Particular telling were the comments of an 88 year old bitch woman who blamed Portman for his son's sexual orientation:

WASHINGTON, DC — Sen. Rob Portman’s (R-OH) decision to support marriage equality was not warmly received at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) Friday.

ThinkProgress spoke with 10 attendees about the Ohio Senator’s announcement this week that he was reversing course and backing marriage equality after his own son came out of the closet. Every person we spoke with opposed same-sex marriage, and many had harsh words for Portman.

“Horrible!” said Tony Mele, an 88-year-old woman from New Jersey, of Portman’s decision. When told he did so because of his gay son, she responded, “That’s his fault! He gets no sympathy from me.” A pastor from Georgia, William Temple, told Portman to “quit being so selfish as to only think about his son,” and if he won’t reverse himself, “to step down and go home.” Another pastor, Rev. Robert Lancia, dismissed Portman’s point that we should treat each other according to the Golden Rule: “That doesn’t cover it.” One man, David Kern, even said Portman’s son’s choice of college turned him gay. “Well what did Sen. Portman expect when he sent his son to Yale?”

These people are horrible and certainly fit the mold of the Pharisees that Christ so roundly condemned in the Gospels. Yet, these old bats and hate merchants wonder why the Christian brand has become toxic with the younger generations.  These people are walking, talking advertisements as to why one should flee screaming from Christianity.

GOP Senator Rob Portman Comes Out for Marriage Equality After His Son Comes Out

One can just imagine the shrieks and convulsions at NOM and FRC over GOP Senator Bob Portman's announcement that he now supports gay marriage.  An equal heresy is that Portman now appears to also believe that being gay is not a choice and is not something one can change regardless of the snake oil peddled by the "ex-gay for pay" crowd.  What brought about Portman's epiphany?  His college age son came out as gay and, wonderfully, Portman and his wife listened to their son and chose to stand by him rather than kick him to the curb as far to many "godly Christian" parents continue to do with their gay children.  Kudos to Portman.  And kudos to his son for his courage as well.  CNN has details.  Here are highlights:

[Sen. Rob Portman}  .  .  .  .  the prominent Ohio conservative will be known for something else: reversing his hardline position against gay marriage.  He invited CNN to his Senate office to reveal the news.

"I'm announcing today a change of heart on an issue that a lot of people feel strongly about that has to do with gay couples' opportunity to marry," Portman told CNN.

It has to do with another revelation, one deeply personal. His 21-year-old son, Will, is gay.

"I've come to the conclusion that for me, personally, I think this is something that we should allow people to do, to get married, and to have the joy and stability of marriage that I've had for over 26 years. That I want all of my children to have, including our son, who is gay," said Portman.

Will Portman told his father and mother he is gay two years ago, when he was a freshman at Yale University.

"My son came to Jane, my wife, and I, told us that he was gay, and that it was not a choice, and that it's just part of who he is, and that's who he'd been that way for as long as he could remember,

And complete surprise. He told CNN that he never suspected that his son was gay.

What was the Republican senator's reaction?  "Love. Support," responded Portman.  And complete surprise. He told CNN that he never suspected that his son was gay.

Portman says his son, now a junior in college, helped him work through his decision to announce his change in position on gay marriage and blessed the idea of publicly announcing Will Portman's sexuality.

"I think he's happy and, you know, proud that we've come to this point, but he let it be my decision just as you know, it's going to be his decision as to the role he plays going forward in this whole issue," said Portman.

Asked about why he is announcing this change of heart, since his son revealed it to him two years ago, Portman cited two reasons. He just recently became comfortable with his decision to shift his position on gay marriage, and also he said he knew the Supreme Court is considering a pair of gay marriage cases, and reporters would likely ask him for his position.

"I thought it was the right time to let folks know where I stand so there's no confusion, so I would be clear about it," said Portman.

Portman has also authored an op-ed in the Columbus Dispatch entitled "Gay couples also deserve chance to get married."  Here are some excerpts:

I have come to believe that if two people are prepared to make a lifetime commitment to love and care for each other in good times and in bad, the government shouldn’t deny them the opportunity to get married.

That isn’t how I’ve always felt. As a congressman, and more recently as a senator, I opposed marriage for same-sex couples. Then something happened that led me to think through my position in a much deeper way.

Two years ago, my son Will, then a college freshman, told my wife, Jane, and me that he is gay. He said he’d known for some time, and that his sexual orientation wasn’t something he chose; it was simply a part of who he is. Jane and I were proud of him for his honesty and courage. We were surprised to learn he is gay but knew he was still the same person he’d always been. The only difference was that now we had a more complete picture of the son we love.

I wrestled with how to reconcile my Christian faith with my desire for Will to have the same opportunities to pursue happiness and fulfillment as his brother and sister. Ultimately, it came down to the Bible’s overarching themes of love and compassion and my belief that we are all children of God.

British Prime Minister David Cameron has said he supports allowing gay couples to marry because he is a conservative, not in spite of it. I feel the same way. We conservatives believe in personal liberty and minimal government interference in people’s lives. We also consider the family unit to be the fundamental building block of society. We should encourage people to make long-term commitments to each other and build families, so as to foster strong, stable communities and promote personal responsibility.

One way to look at it is that gay couples’ desire to marry doesn't amount to a threat but rather a tribute to marriage, and a potential source of renewed strength for the institution.

Over the past decade, nine states and the District of Columbia have recognized marriage for same-sex couples. It is understandable to feel cautious about making a major change to such an important social institution, but the experience of the past decade shows us that marriage for same-sex couples has not undercut traditional marriage. In fact, over the past 10 years, the national divorce rate has declined.

I’ve changed my mind on the question of marriage for same-sex couples. As we strive as a nation to form a more perfect union, I believe all of our sons and daughters ought to have the same opportunity to experience the joy and stability of marriage.

It is noteworthy to me that Portman focused on God's supposed love for all people.  It's a concept devoid from the mindset of the Christofascists who are best defined by who they hate: virtually everyone but themselves.  Portman still has more evolving to do such as embracing ENDA and protecting LGBT Americans from being fired simply because who they are.  Religious based hate and bigotry have no place in the work place. But at least Portman has begun the journey. 

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A Story of Family Acceptance

I have noted many times on this blog as to how fortunate I was to have parents who accepted me without hesitation when I finally came out of the closet after decades of denial and endless amounts of self-hate.  Indeed, to reflect my endless gratitude and appreciation to my parents, I endowed the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar/HRBOR Scholarship that benefits LGBT graduating high school students (a link to the scholarship is at right on this blog).  But far too many LGBT individuals are not as lucky as I was.  Some find themselves disowned and cut off from their families both emotionally and financially.  This past weekend, New York Times columnist Frank Bruni shared a story of his own father's method of dealing with having a gay son.  Some of Bruni's father's initial ways of dealing with the news and his assessments of those who are not accepting of gays are reminiscent of my own dad's views.  Here are some column highlights:

FOR a long while, my father’s way of coping was to walk quietly from the room. He doesn’t remember this. I do. I can still see it, still feel the pinch in my chest when the word “gay” came up — perhaps in reference to some event in the news, or perhaps in reference to me — and he’d wordlessly take his leave of whatever conversation my mother and my siblings and I were having. He’d drift away, not in disgust but in discomfort, not in a huff but in a whisper.

And I was grateful. Discomfort beat rejection. So long as he wasn’t pushing me away, I didn’t need him to pull me in. Heart-to-hearts weren’t his style, anyway. With Dad you didn’t discuss longings, anxieties, hurts.

But at some point Dad, like America, changed. I don’t mean he grew weepy, huggy. I mean he traveled from what seemed to me a pained acquiescence to a different, happier, better place. He found peace enough with who I am to insist on introducing my partner, Tom, to his friends at the golf club. Peace enough to compliment me on articles of mine that use the same three-letter word that once chased him off. Peace enough to sit down with me over lunch last week and chart his journey, which I’d never summoned the courage to ask him about before. 

It’s been an extraordinary year, probably the most extraordinary yet in this country’s expanding, deepening embrace of gays and lesbians as citizens of equal stature, equal worth. For the first time, an American president still in office stated his belief that two men or two women should be able to marry. For the first time, voters themselves — not lawmakers, not courts — made same-sex marriage legal.

He’s 77. Closing in fast on 78. Hasn’t voted for a Democrat in a presidential election since Kennedy. Pledged a fraternity in college. Served as an officer in the Navy. Chose accounting as his profession. Remained married to his high school sweetheart, my mother, until she died in 1996, just shy of their 40th anniversary. He still mentions her daily.

She was the freer spirit, and I told her I was gay back in 1981, when I was 17. She implored me not to tell him — too risky, she said — and to let her handle it. A few years later, she informed me that she’d done so, and that was that. Dad said nothing to me. I said nothing to him. 

I was sure that he’d resolved simply to put what he’d learned about me out of his mind and pretend it didn’t exist. I was wrong. He was mulling it over, trying to figure it out. “It was just so unusual to me,” he recalled, groping for the right word. 

He’d heard it said that gay people were somehow stunted, maybe even ill. But that made no sense to him, because he was confident that I was neither of those things.  He’d heard it said that peculiar upbringings turned children gay. “I thought about it a lot,” he said, “and I came to the conclusion that it had to be in your genes, in you, because I couldn’t think how the environment for you was any different than it was for your two brothers.” 

He said he worried that I was in for a more difficult, less complete life than they and my sister were. I asked him why he’d never broached that with me. He said that it would have been an insult — that I was obviously smart enough to have assessed the terrain and figured out for myself how I was going to navigate it.

[W]hen I would write candidly about my life, as I did on occasion, he’d flinch a bit. Still does.

But he has decided that such writing is necessary. “There’s prejudice out there, and it’s good to fight that,” he said, adding that visibility and openness are obviously integral to that battle. “I’m convinced that people who don’t accept gays just don’t really know any of them.”  He’s increasingly irked at his political party, which he thinks is signing its own death warrant with its attitude toward gays, toward guns, toward immigrants. 

[H]e’s not prepared to say that what two committed men or two committed women share is anything less than what a man and a woman do. In any case, he noted, society is moving in only one direction on this front. And he’s O.K. with that. 

He shook his head: “I almost think I love you more for it — for being what you are rather than what was expected of you.” 

For far too many years I tried to be what I thought was expected.  Yes, I have three amazing children as a result, but it cause me, them and their mother much avoidable misery.   As for my dad, he went further than Bruni's father - he left the GOP in disgust over its anti-gay agenda.  Sadly, my dad did not live to meet the boyfriend, but he accepted my ex and the two of them used to call each other and chat on the phone.  That men like Bruni's dad and my late father can get it give hope that we are going to win the war against the Christofascists.