Remembering My Parents and a Scholarship in Their Honor

Marion Phelps Hamar on her wedding day.

Today would be my mother's 92 birthday.  Unfortunately, my family and I lost her back in 2011 - my dad left us in 2006 - but hopefully both of them will live on in people's memories at least in some small part through the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar/HRBOR Scholarship that I endowed with the Hampton Roads Community Foundation.  Unlike so many parents reference in this blog who reject their children when they come out as LGBT, my parents embraced me and supported me in every way possible.  So many LGBT youth are not as lucky and often they find themselves disowned and unable to pursue a higher education. The Hampton Roads Community Foundation diligently administers the scholarship and has created a special direct link for donations which is here.  On the link page, the following statement appears:

Thank you for donating to the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar HRBOR Scholarship. The endowed scholarship fund was started in 2011 at the Hampton Roads Community Foundation by Michael Hamar in memory of his parents and in honor of Hampton Roads Business OutReach (HRBOR), an LGBT chamber of commerce. The permanent scholarship fund helps self-identifying lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT) students attend college. Scholarship recipients must be from high schools in Chesapeake, Hampton, Newport News, Norfolk, Portsmouth, Suffolk or Virginia Beach. Donations to the scholarship fund will help it grow so it can help even more students go to college. 

I believe my parents would be proud of the scholarship, especially my father who was orphaned at age 3 and benefited from the GI bill following WWII and thereby secured his college education.   I wish my mother a "Happy birthday" and hope that, if readers are so moved, they will make a donation.  The endowed fund is steadily growing and my hope is that more and more students can benefit from the scholarship as the years go by,  Happy Birthday Mom!

Religion: The Driving Force Behind Anti-LGBT Bigotry

High school co-valedictorian discarded by parents for being gay.

When I belatedly came out of the closet in mid-life, my parents embraced me and supported and accepted me.  After my mother's death in 2011, I endowed a scholarship for graduating LGBT high school seniors in honor of my parents (donations can be made here).  One of the goals of the scholarship was/is to give financial support to students disowned by their "godly Christian" parents/families who value the myths and legends of unknown Bronze Age herders more than their own flesh and blood.  I have friends who suffered this fate and, as a story out of northeast Florida demonstrates the religious based hatred of gays and the discarding of children still stems from toxic "conservative" Christianity.  I remain convinced that causing LGBT children and youths to live in fundamentalist Christian homes is a form of child abuse.  Here are highlights on the travesty out of Florida (a gofundme page has been set up for this young man here - please consider donating): 

The 18-year-old First Coast High School co-valedictorian, student leader, athlete and extremely snappy dresser was supposed to spend his last summer at home, getting ready for college in the Ivy Leagues. Instead, he’s crashing with a bestie and preparing for his first semester at Georgetown University . . . . The more intriguing story, however, is how Seth came to be couch-surfing just months before graduating from high school. Unwinding that colorful, tangled yarn will make you want to cry, or scream.

See, in addition to all the other supposed-to’s, Seth Owen was supposed to be straight. The fact that he’s not has driven a wedge between him and his strict Baptist family who, as he tells Folio Weekly, have kicked him out of the house and refused to sign the financial aid package Georgetown put together, leaving Seth without the $20K he needs for tuition. Seth’s father, Randy Owen, denies kicking him out, and says that he’s willing to provide Seth with the same assistance as the family has done for his brother. “I made it very clear to him that he was not being kicked out, that he would have to make a decision … . We worship as a family. He would be going to church if he lived in our home,” he says. . . . and says he was not aware before a reporter told him that Seth is gay, though he did admit to seeing “a video of him kissing another boy” roughly a year-and-a-half ago.

He plans to study international politics, then attend law school (naturally), after which, he says, he’s leaning toward a career fighting for juvenile justice.

The subject is more than a passing interest; for his college entrance essay, Seth wrote about child marriage. “I think that’s what got me into Georgetown,” he says. His commitment to the subject is also what he says finally, after years of conflict about his homosexuality, cleaved him from family hearth and home.

The niggling awareness that he wasn’t drawn to the opposite sex began when Seth was just a tot. In childhood, he’d sit in the pews and absorb restrictive sermons and lessons, following along obediently as a good boy does, while deep in his heart, he didn’t agree with some of the lessons being imparted.

Seth says that his parents discovered evidence that he is gay a few years ago while searching his phone. Not wanting to hurt them, in his early youth, he’d tried to convince himself that he was “straight with some issues,” but by then, the closet was only a place he knew at home and in church.

Afterward, he says, they attempted conversion therapy—though no one specifically called it that, it was obvious this was the intent. For a few months, Seth says a counselor tried to help him pray the gay away, encouraging him to partake in stereotypical straight masculine behaviors, like fixing up an old car, or watching straight pornography. His father characterizes it as typical, not conversion, therapy, and says that neither parent knew what Seth discussed with his therapist. . . . eventually, the therapy stopped and the family went back to the way things had been before—pretending.

But now that the truth had come out once, going back into hiding proved almost more difficult for Seth, who says he felt “extremely comfortable” with his sexuality among his peers. Nevertheless, he lived a double life: out at school, closeted at home. “I can remember driving home and being in tears because I had to put on a mask,” he says.

In February, during one of those more tranquil times, Seth was sitting in a pew at church as usual, listening to the sermon, when a switch flipped inside him. The sermon was about children being required to obey their parents regardless of the circumstances. Someone in the congregation asked the question on Seth’s mind: ‘What if the parents are abusing the child? Must they still obey?’ ‘Yes,’ was the response.

This was a bridge too far. “It was that comment about the little girl, that she would have to sit there and take this abuse,” Seth says. Later, Seth says he confronted his family. The conversation ended with Seth giving them an ultimatum: He’d go to any church they want, but not that one. It did not go over.

Since then, he stayed with a few friends and mentors before settling in with a close friend for the summer. And he’s remained in communication with his family, who also attended his graduation. It’s obvious when he talks that he still loves and respects them; he’s just no longer willing to be anything but his authentic self for their benefit—even though in his case, it’s more about his principles as they apply to the treatment of others than it is about his sexuality.

On June 18, another of his teachers launched a GoFundMe page to help the young man pay tuition and expenses. Though as of this writing, the fundraiser is well short of its $20,000 goal, the smart money’s on the perseverance of Seth Owen. To borrow a line from his valedictorian speech, “Because of our struggles and life circumstances, we know that we are strong enough, and we are resilient enough to overcome anything and to accomplish everything on which we set our sights.”

Living in the closet is soul killing.  I know, I did it for 37 years, tried to "pray away the gay" and tried suicide twice. Kudos to Seth. Shame on his parents.  Fundamentalist religion is truly a toxic evil that needs to be eliminated from the Earth.

Coming Out for the Holidays: Family Acceptance Could Save Lives

As I noted in my most recent VEER Magazine column, studies indicate gay men are significantly more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts, with the numbers increasing exponentially during the holidays.  To me, the reason for this phenomenon is: (i) the family rejection many gays have experienced, (ii) alienation from the religious backgrounds in which they were raised and (iii) the forced effort to be "happy" during the holiday season.  Indeed, my holiday seasons during the first years of my "coming out" journey could be best described by two words: depression and therapy.  It took literally years of therapy to overcome the emotional and psychological damage I suffered from my Catholic upbringing.  And deep depression can lead to suicide attempts.  I survived two such attempts, both of which sent me to the hospital.  Thankfully, that was years ago and I have moved on in my life and I now find myself in a very different place emotionally and psychologically. But many in the LGBT community, especially those still in the early stages of "coming out" still find the holiday season to be challenging at best.  As a piece in USA Today notes, how families react to those coming out can literally make a difference at times between life and death.  Here are article highlight:

Holiday gatherings feel fraught for many families, but around-the-table affairs can put distinct pressures on those newly out as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

Maybe your cousin is going by different pronouns than last year. Perhaps a nephew makes first mention of a boyfriend from school. How a family reacts to such revelations can seriously impact that relative's wellbeing, said Jaime Grant, director of the LGBTQ advocacy group PFLAG.

Grant, a lesbian, was shunned by her mother when she came out in the early '80s. She missed a decade of holiday gatherings thereafter, she said, carrying a rejection that led to years of drug addiction. LGBT youth who feel highly rejected by families are three times as likely to use illegal drugs, according to 2009 research from San Francisco State University's Family Acceptance Project. They're eight times as likely to have attempted suicide. 

"It’s not just a feel-good thing. It’s a life-saving thing," said Grant, now a mother herself. "One of my kids is bi, and he is coming home for Thanksgiving to talk to me about his first semester at college — new crushes, student government, the whole bit."

Here's how to best offer support should a newly out guest join your table for the holidays, according to PFLAG.

First: Thank them for opening up to you“The first thing to say is, 'I feel so honored, blessed, happy, like a treasured person in your life that you want to share this with me,'" Grant said. "And then listen." Show interest and empathy. For some, coming out is a struggle, she said. For others, it's exciting. The person may offer up preferred pronouns, or mention a previously undisclosed partner, but don't rush the process or overstep by asking prying questions, Grant said.

Set the tone for acceptance among your familyReactions from family members may vary from surprise, to gladness, to dismay. Let them know how to address this new-to-them aspect of your guest's identity and that you expect them to be treated no less than anyone else at the table, said Marsha Aizumi, a PFLAG national board member from Pasadena, Calif. If a relative's coming out announcement came at the dinner table, "I would jump up and immediately give them a hug," she said. If unkind remarks fly, call them out; the brief discomfort doesn't outweigh any potentially damaging effects.

Help relatives process the new infoWhen Aizumi's transgender son came out during the holidays, she dealt with feelings of shame, fear and doubt. Family members might need time beyond a holiday to fully process the new information, she said. You can lift some burden from a newly out family member by having a dialogue and educating family members who have questions or seem less accepting. While it's important to allow space to reflect for yourself and others, Aizumi said, make clear to the newly out relative that you still love that person. "My son needed to hear it more than ever," she said.

Own your mistakes with graceEven family members striving to be inclusive can let an unintentional pronoun slip. Opportunities for fumbles and unintentional hurt abound as family members adjust and learn more about a newly out relative's orientation or identity. Fostering grace is key for all parties. There's nothing wrong with simply owning a mistake. 

Follow up after the holidayIn the days following a holiday gathering, check in with your newly out family member. Remind them you appreciated their presence. Ask them how they thought it went. Understand their journey with your family goes beyond this first holiday. Ben Hodges, the son of PFLAG President Jean Hodges, first introduced his partner to his family 21 years ago. "Remember that telling family and friends you are LGBTQ is a process," he said. "This is a healthy dialogue that will not be resolved over the holiday meal."

Sadly, far too many families do not follow this wise advice.  I was lucky and was fully accepted by my parents and siblings and aunts and uncles.  Even with such support, coming out was a difficult process.  Roughly 40% of homeless youths in America are LGBT, most having been disowned and discarded by their falsely pious parents who call themselves "Christian" or, in some cases, devout Muslims.  With three children of my own, I truly cannot fathom how anyone "Christian" can discard their own children due to the writings of ignorant, uneducated and unknown Bronze Age herders.   In memory of my parents, I endowed a scholarship fund to help graduating LGBT high school seniors who may have found themselves without parental financial support.  If you are inclined to donate to the fund, you can do so here.  The donation is tax deductible.

Spending Christmas Without Family Because You're Gay

As long term readers know, when I finally came out I was accepted and supported without reservation by my parents - I endowed a scholarship for LGBT students in their honor - but many LGBT individuals are not so lucky.  Indeed, 40% of homeless youth nationwide are LGBT, the majority of whom have been rejected by their families who place their perverted form of Christianity, Judaism or Islam over their own children.  This time of year my heart goes out to all those in the LGBT community who face family rejection and may find themselves spending Christmas alone.   A piece in Huffington Post looks at this sad and, in my mind, tragic circumstance.  Here are excerpts:

[S]itting with friends and talking about our Christmas wishes and the one recurring wish was "to see my family."

Hearing this was heartbreaking for me because it became so clear that I wasn't alone in my emotional rollercoaster. You see, earlier this year, I made the most difficult decision of my life. I had to choose between staying in a homophobic country where my life was being threatened as a lesbian with no help from authorities and leaving my family behind to migrate to a country where I could live my life without persecution. I made the obvious choice!

As we speak, there are thousands of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender folks from across the world who are not able to spend Christmas with their families this year. They have been beaten, cursed at and made to feel like they do not belong, leading them to say goodbye to their family and friends.

I could write a list of wishes to Santa for health, wealth and success, but my only wish for this Christmas is for all the men and women, who were forced to leave their countries because of their sexual orientation, to see their families.

As you celebrate Christmas with your loved ones this year, remember the families who are without their mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends because they decided to be true to themselves. Let this be a reminder of how our attitudes tear families apart and leave hearts broken. May this Christmas bring love and acceptance for all!

As noted, the cause of all this heartache and emotional pain is ultimately religion, one of the most evil and perverse forces in the world.   I wish I could take in all the LGBT youth who have been discarded by their "godly" parents and families. 

Disposable Children - One of the Evils of Religion

I happened upon the video above which is a advertisement for the Los Angeles LGBT Center. Yes, it's a dramatization, but the story depicted in it sadly happens virtually daily across America.  Forty percent of homeless youth are LGBT youth.  Many, if not most, have been discarded by their parents who put belief in mythical ancient writings over the lives and well being of their their own children.  It literally sickens me.   I was lucky that when I came out, my parents embraced me - hence the scholarship for LGBT youth I endowed.   So many LGBT youth are not so lucky.  What happens to them is one of the great evils caused by religion.  In Islamic countries, their fates are often even worse.  We need to end deference to - and I would argue even tolerance for - religious belief.  All too often it perpetrates evil.  Worse yet, due to tax-exempt status for anti-gay churches, the rest of us are indirectly funding such evil.

Make a difference and make a donation to an organization that helps homeless LGBT youth.

Ryland Wittington - True Parental Acceptance

As Andrew Sullivan so rightly noted, one of the principal sicknesses of Catholicism and much of Christianity is its obsession with repressing individuals sexuality.  This obsession extends to forcing rigid gender roles on males and females and anyone who does not conform with the preconceptions of the bitter old men in dresses at the Vatican or the pompous, self satisfied bible thumpers in pulpits across America (and now Africa thanks to the efforts of American Christofascists) is targeted as deserving a life of living hell.  Gays, of course, are met with open animus.  For those who are transgender, the fate is often even worse, easily explaining why transgender individuals experience an attempted suicide rat nearly ten times higher than the general public.

The reality is that none of us has any role in choosing what nation we will be born in, what faith tradition our parents will follow, whether we are gay of straight, the color of our skin, or if we are transgender.  Yet too many, especially the "godly Christian" crowds in modern day Pharisee like behavior act as if they did make these decisions.  Worse yet, they seek to play God and dictate to others of who they must be and how they must live their lives.  It is part of what in my view makes the "godly Christian" crowd a social cancer on society.

I noted recently that I had established a scholarship for LGBT students in honor of my late parents in recognition of their unconditional acceptance of me when I came out in mid-life.  As The Raw Story reports, the parents of Ryland Wittington, a six year old transgender boy, have taken parental acceptance of their child to new heights,  I encourage readers to watch the video above.  Here are details from The Raw Story:

A family’s video detailing their 6-year-old trans son’s declaration of his male gender has gone viral and sparked fierce debate about the nature of gender and identity in our society and the changing beliefs around those topics.

Wisconsin’s WAOW Channel 9 reported that the video story of Ryland Wittington, whose family lives in San Diego, CA, received millions of views in its first days on YouTube.

Jeff and Hillary Wittington’s baby Ryland announced as soon as he could speak that he was not a girl, but a boy. He insisted on being referred to as his sister’s brother and, after conferring with psychiatric professionals, the Wittingtons allowed Ryland to express his gender as male at the age of 5.

“I’m a transgender kid,” said Ryland in the video. “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life. Thank you to my parents.”

Some reactions to the video, however, have been hostile.  “I would NEVER do this to my CHILD,” wrote one People magazine reader after the publication ran a story about Ryland.

Experts like Tando, however, say that allowing trans kids to express their gender is the best thing for them.  “There’s huge benefits to doing this earlier in life,” Tando said. “It’s like they’ve been given this gift where everyone around them recognizes them for who they really are.”

The sooner religious based animus and discrimination is purged from the world, the better life will be for everyone.  Kudos to Ryland's parents.

Parental Acceptance and Fond Memories of My Parents.

Today would have been my late parents' 64th wedding anniversary.   They are pictured above on their wedding day. Ironically, my husbands' parents were also married on June 3, 1950, at approximately the same time of day as my parents.  Talk about weird coincidences.  Not surprisingly, I thought of my parents frequently today and the way they were wonderfully supportive and accepting when I came out in mid-life after 24 years of marriage.  Sadly, not all LGBT individuals are as lucky as I was and, in honor of my parents, in April 2011, I endowed a permanent scholarship fund (contributions are tax deductible) in their honor and in honor of Hampton Roads Business OutReach ("HRBOR") which I helped found shortly after my father's death.   I miss my parents everyday.  Here are highlights from a post I wrote back in 2011:

I provided the initial funding to establish the scholarship for a number of reasons, not the least of which was to honor my parents who always valued education and who were unwavering in their support of me when I came out. In fact, when I was telling them that I was gay and made a remark that I hoped that they would not disown me, my father - not always the easiest of individuals to get along with - was indignant that I'd even think such a thing about them. He honestly could not conceive of any decent parent who would disown their own child merely because they were gay. Unfortunately, many parents do not follow my late parents' example. And as a result, LGBT youth make up a disproportionate percentage of homeless youths because too many parents prefer to cling to religious based bigotry or worry about what others will think rather than stand by their children.

Other LGBT youths, if not disowned and homeless, nonetheless can find themselves cut off from family resources and may never have an opportunity to got to college. Sadly, I know a significant number of individuals who suffered this disheartening experience. It's a tragedy. I sincerely hope that this scholarship will help offset such bigotry in small part and over time will grow and provide benefit for more aspiring LGBT youth each year. 

Please consider making a donation - either in honor of my parents or my marriage to my husband.