Remembering My Parents and a Scholarship in Their Honor

Marion Phelps Hamar on her wedding day.

Today would be my mother's 92 birthday.  Unfortunately, my family and I lost her back in 2011 - my dad left us in 2006 - but hopefully both of them will live on in people's memories at least in some small part through the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar/HRBOR Scholarship that I endowed with the Hampton Roads Community Foundation.  Unlike so many parents reference in this blog who reject their children when they come out as LGBT, my parents embraced me and supported me in every way possible.  So many LGBT youth are not as lucky and often they find themselves disowned and unable to pursue a higher education. The Hampton Roads Community Foundation diligently administers the scholarship and has created a special direct link for donations which is here.  On the link page, the following statement appears:

Thank you for donating to the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar HRBOR Scholarship. The endowed scholarship fund was started in 2011 at the Hampton Roads Community Foundation by Michael Hamar in memory of his parents and in honor of Hampton Roads Business OutReach (HRBOR), an LGBT chamber of commerce. The permanent scholarship fund helps self-identifying lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT) students attend college. Scholarship recipients must be from high schools in Chesapeake, Hampton, Newport News, Norfolk, Portsmouth, Suffolk or Virginia Beach. Donations to the scholarship fund will help it grow so it can help even more students go to college. 

I believe my parents would be proud of the scholarship, especially my father who was orphaned at age 3 and benefited from the GI bill following WWII and thereby secured his college education.   I wish my mother a "Happy birthday" and hope that, if readers are so moved, they will make a donation.  The endowed fund is steadily growing and my hope is that more and more students can benefit from the scholarship as the years go by,  Happy Birthday Mom!

Coming Out for the Holidays: Family Acceptance Could Save Lives

As I noted in my most recent VEER Magazine column, studies indicate gay men are significantly more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts, with the numbers increasing exponentially during the holidays.  To me, the reason for this phenomenon is: (i) the family rejection many gays have experienced, (ii) alienation from the religious backgrounds in which they were raised and (iii) the forced effort to be "happy" during the holiday season.  Indeed, my holiday seasons during the first years of my "coming out" journey could be best described by two words: depression and therapy.  It took literally years of therapy to overcome the emotional and psychological damage I suffered from my Catholic upbringing.  And deep depression can lead to suicide attempts.  I survived two such attempts, both of which sent me to the hospital.  Thankfully, that was years ago and I have moved on in my life and I now find myself in a very different place emotionally and psychologically. But many in the LGBT community, especially those still in the early stages of "coming out" still find the holiday season to be challenging at best.  As a piece in USA Today notes, how families react to those coming out can literally make a difference at times between life and death.  Here are article highlight:

Holiday gatherings feel fraught for many families, but around-the-table affairs can put distinct pressures on those newly out as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

Maybe your cousin is going by different pronouns than last year. Perhaps a nephew makes first mention of a boyfriend from school. How a family reacts to such revelations can seriously impact that relative's wellbeing, said Jaime Grant, director of the LGBTQ advocacy group PFLAG.

Grant, a lesbian, was shunned by her mother when she came out in the early '80s. She missed a decade of holiday gatherings thereafter, she said, carrying a rejection that led to years of drug addiction. LGBT youth who feel highly rejected by families are three times as likely to use illegal drugs, according to 2009 research from San Francisco State University's Family Acceptance Project. They're eight times as likely to have attempted suicide. 

"It’s not just a feel-good thing. It’s a life-saving thing," said Grant, now a mother herself. "One of my kids is bi, and he is coming home for Thanksgiving to talk to me about his first semester at college — new crushes, student government, the whole bit."

Here's how to best offer support should a newly out guest join your table for the holidays, according to PFLAG.

First: Thank them for opening up to you“The first thing to say is, 'I feel so honored, blessed, happy, like a treasured person in your life that you want to share this with me,'" Grant said. "And then listen." Show interest and empathy. For some, coming out is a struggle, she said. For others, it's exciting. The person may offer up preferred pronouns, or mention a previously undisclosed partner, but don't rush the process or overstep by asking prying questions, Grant said.

Set the tone for acceptance among your familyReactions from family members may vary from surprise, to gladness, to dismay. Let them know how to address this new-to-them aspect of your guest's identity and that you expect them to be treated no less than anyone else at the table, said Marsha Aizumi, a PFLAG national board member from Pasadena, Calif. If a relative's coming out announcement came at the dinner table, "I would jump up and immediately give them a hug," she said. If unkind remarks fly, call them out; the brief discomfort doesn't outweigh any potentially damaging effects.

Help relatives process the new infoWhen Aizumi's transgender son came out during the holidays, she dealt with feelings of shame, fear and doubt. Family members might need time beyond a holiday to fully process the new information, she said. You can lift some burden from a newly out family member by having a dialogue and educating family members who have questions or seem less accepting. While it's important to allow space to reflect for yourself and others, Aizumi said, make clear to the newly out relative that you still love that person. "My son needed to hear it more than ever," she said.

Own your mistakes with graceEven family members striving to be inclusive can let an unintentional pronoun slip. Opportunities for fumbles and unintentional hurt abound as family members adjust and learn more about a newly out relative's orientation or identity. Fostering grace is key for all parties. There's nothing wrong with simply owning a mistake. 

Follow up after the holidayIn the days following a holiday gathering, check in with your newly out family member. Remind them you appreciated their presence. Ask them how they thought it went. Understand their journey with your family goes beyond this first holiday. Ben Hodges, the son of PFLAG President Jean Hodges, first introduced his partner to his family 21 years ago. "Remember that telling family and friends you are LGBTQ is a process," he said. "This is a healthy dialogue that will not be resolved over the holiday meal."

Sadly, far too many families do not follow this wise advice.  I was lucky and was fully accepted by my parents and siblings and aunts and uncles.  Even with such support, coming out was a difficult process.  Roughly 40% of homeless youths in America are LGBT, most having been disowned and discarded by their falsely pious parents who call themselves "Christian" or, in some cases, devout Muslims.  With three children of my own, I truly cannot fathom how anyone "Christian" can discard their own children due to the writings of ignorant, uneducated and unknown Bronze Age herders.   In memory of my parents, I endowed a scholarship fund to help graduating LGBT high school seniors who may have found themselves without parental financial support.  If you are inclined to donate to the fund, you can do so here.  The donation is tax deductible.

What Would You Do If Your Child Was Gay?

In follow up on a theme from yesterday, we have arrived in perhaps the most difficult time of the year for many in the LGBT community as they face either family acceptance or rejection.  Many of our friends who have experienced the latter or have no family close by, have gone on to create their own "family" and have moved on emotionally - one group of friends is having a large Thanksgiving dinner today (see image at left) at a friend's home that we affectionately call "the country club."  A new video from YouTube channel Culture Beats asks people from around the world, "what would you do if your child was gay?"  Some responses are encouraging, others are not.  As is always the case, religion is seemingly the evil that fuels anti-gay animus.  Towleroad looks at the video findings:

The people interviewed are both young and old and come from all different corners of the world.

Many indicated they would support their children if they were gay while others shared more disturbing reactions. A woman from Austria remarked, “You can’t do anything about it because it is not a decision he makes. He was born with this kind of orientation.” Meanwhile, a woman from the United Arab Emirates had almost the exact opposite reaction. “I will kill him,” she said.

An Irish couple touted their country’s recent nationwide referendum on same-sex marriage, saying they were very proud to be the first nation to pass marriage equality by a popular vote. Of having a gay son, the man from Ireland said, “I’d like to understand how he feels…I would wish that he could find happiness.”

A woman from the former Soviet republic of Georgia seemed to get it: “You cannot change him. He’ll live his life so let him live his life.” And, perhaps most surprisingly, a woman from Russia urged tolerance, saying, “God say that we can’t judge.”

One Iranian man, however, lamented the possibility of having a gay child, saying, “I would probably be sad…But maybe I would accept it in the end. You cannot get rid of your children. But I would not be happy, no.” And for a woman from Azerbaijan, she would “be very upset” and would consult a doctor to “see why he’s gay”–if it’s “his hormones, then it’s from God. If it’s because of society, then I will help him,” she said.

 My take away?  A world without religion would be a far, far better place.

South Bend Mayor: Why Coming Out Matters

Pete Buttigieg (pictured above), who is the mayor of South Bend Indiana - not a particularly gay friendly state -  is the youngest mayor of a city with more than 100,000 residents in America.  Yesterday, Buttigieg, age 33, came out as gay in a powerful essay published by the city's local newspaper on Tuesday.  In the op-ed, Buttigrieg made the case as to why coming out is so important, both for one's own well being, but also for the larger LGBT community.   It is easy to hold prejudices against those that one does not know - or thinks one doesn't know.  When suddenly the class despised and condemned by religious extremists and bigots is discovered to include friends, neighbors and family members, it is much more difficult to continue to hang on to the hate and bigotry peddled primarily by the "godly folk."  If EVERY gay were to come out of the closet completely and cease living a furtive, closeted or semi-closeted life, we would have secured full equality long before now.  Here are excerpts from Buttigrieg's column:

Any day now, the Supreme Court will issue a decision on same-sex marriage that will directly affect millions of Americans. It comes at a time of growing public acceptance and support for equal rights. But no matter what the Court does, issues of equality are hardly settled across the country. Today it remains legal in most parts of Indiana (though not South Bend) to fire someone simply for being gay, and bullying still contributes to tragically high suicide rates among LGBT teens.

Experiences with friends or family members coming out have helped millions of Americans to see past stereotypes and better understand what being gay is — and is not. Being gay isn’t something you choose, but you do face choices about whether and how to discuss it. For most of our history, most Americans had no idea how many people they knew and cared about were gay.

My high school in South Bend had nearly a thousand students. Statistically, that means that several dozen were gay or lesbian. Yet when I graduated in 2000, I had yet to encounter a single openly LGBT student there. That’s far less likely to be the case now, as more students come to feel that their families and community will support and care for them no matter what.

I was well into adulthood before I was prepared to acknowledge the simple fact that I am gay. It took years of struggle and growth for me to recognize that it’s just a fact of life, like having brown hair, and part of who I am.

Putting something this personal on the pages of a newspaper does not come easy. We Midwesterners are instinctively private to begin with, and I’m not used to viewing this as anyone else’s business.

But it’s clear to me that at a moment like this, being more open about it could do some good. For a local student struggling with her sexuality, it might be helpful for an openly gay mayor to send the message that her community will always have a place for her. And for a conservative resident from a different generation, whose unease with social change is partly rooted in the impression that he doesn’t know anyone gay, perhaps a familiar face can be a reminder that we’re all in this together as a community.

Whenever I’ve come out to friends and family, they’ve made clear that they view this as just a part of who I am. Their response makes it possible to feel judged not by sexual orientation but by the things that we ought to care about most, like the content of our character and the value of our contributions.

Being gay has had no bearing on my job performance in business, in the military, or in my current role as mayor.

We’re moving closer to a world in which acceptance is the norm. This kind of social change, considered old news in some parts of the country, is still often divisive around here. But it doesn’t have to be. We’re all finding our way forward, and things will go better if we can manage to do it together. In the wake of the disastrous “Religious Freedom Restoration Act” episode here in Indiana earlier this year, we have an opportunity to demonstrate how a traditional, religious state like ours can move forward.

Like most people, I would like to get married one day and eventually raise a family. I hope that when my children are old enough to understand politics, they will be puzzled that someone like me revealing he is gay was ever considered to be newsworthy. By then, all the relevant laws and court decisions will be seen as steps along the path to equality. But the true compass that will have guided us there will be the basic regard and concern that we have for one another as fellow human beings — based not on categories of politics, orientation, background, status or creed, but on our shared knowledge that the greatest thing any of us has to offer is love.

Towleroad notes these other things about Buttigrieg:

According to his Facebook page, Buttigieg is a reserve officer in the Navy, and a graduate of both Harvard and Oxford universities.

IndyStar.com reports that Buttigieg, a Democrat, is in his first term and faces re-election this year.

Response to Buttigieg's essay on social media has been overwhelmingly positive .

Yes, coming out is terrifying, especially for us older gays, and can be fraught with upheaval.  My divorce was a nightmare and I was wiped out financially for a time.  But I cannot stress how wonderful it is to just be who I am.  No more hiding, no more self-loathing, no more secrets and feeling like an actor on a stage.  If people cannot accept you for who you are, then you are better off not having them in your life be they family members or those you thought were friends.  And remember, if they cannot accept you, it ultimately is because of their selfishness and their refusal to rethink matters and/or let go of ridiculous myths and fairy tales.  Kudos to Buttigrieg.

College-Age Grandson of William F. Buckley, Jr., Comes Out

Nothing shakes up a sane, rational family's approach to gays and gay rights issues more than having a family member come out of the closet.  Note, I prefaced my statement with the words "sane and rational" which by definition excludes Christofascists, far too many of whom react by merely disowning their family member.   But those not totally obsessed with Bronze Age myths and fairy tales more often than not find themselves suddenly having to reevaluate old prejudices and beliefs.  A case in point is what is likely happening in the family of Sean Buckley, grandson of William F. Buckley, Jr., viewed by many as a founder of modern conservatism.  In a piece in The Daily Beast young Buckley makes the conservative case for marriage equality.  In addition, he relates the anguish and self-hate that many of us raised in religious homes suffer as a result of religious based ignorance and bigotry.  Here are article highlights:

If you had asked me a few years ago if I supported the freedom to marry, I’d have been one of many young Republicans at the time who’d have given you an unequivocal “no.”

As the grandson of former Conservative Party New York Sen. James L. Buckley and great-nephew of National Review founder William F. Buckley Jr., I believed that gay rights were inherently anti-conservative and anti-Catholic.

But I began to reexamine my views after acknowledging a part of myself that I’d suppressed for years—I am gay.

My family is loving and compassionate but they have been active in the fight to keep marriage limited to heterosexual couples. Because of their influence and the views expressed by so many in my religious community, I grew up with an extremely negative view of gay people.

I was taught a “hate the sin, love the sinner” approach to moral issues while always being told to respect those with whom I disagreed. But given that you can’t separate yourself from who you love, teaching someone to hate their sexual orientation inadvertently teaches them to hate themselves. For me, this led to an intense self-hatred and a reflexive rejection of anyone that resembled the part of me I was so desperately trying to fight.

A clear majority of Americans now understand that being gay is not a choice. Gradually, this understanding is also extending among conservatives. And over 60% of millennial evangelical youth now support the freedom to marry.

It was not until the dawn of the Enlightenment in the 18th century that the idea of marrying primarily for love arrived. Those who opposed this shift saw it as an affront to social order, and rejected it as a dangerous change in the definition of marriage—similar to the arguments today.

But we’ve evolved, and learned that marriage matters for other reasons. At its core the institution of marriage hinges on two individuals committing to one another in life, for life, on a bedrock of love and self-sacrifice, which results in a better environment for raising children.

Above all else, the greatest gift our parents can give us is to teach us how to love—an emotion that gives the human experience both the purpose and meaning that is so critical to a happy and healthy life. I count this as one of the greatest gifts my parents have given me, and hope to one day give the same to my kids. Conservatives are right to argue that the best environment to raise children is within a marriage. However, it has nothing to do with the gender of their parents but instead the love they have for one another.

[G]ranting the freedom to marry to all loving couples is not a shift from the central tenet of marriage, but instead a fulfillment of its most basic ideals.

Gay couples today are building families and raising children. If we as conservatives care about preserving marriage and family, we must include gay people in the equation.

I believe that individuals have the power and ability to make decisions for themselves better than any government can. For conservatives who likely agree, I ask: why does this suddenly change when it comes to whom one loves and chooses to marry? This is a fight specific to the LGBT community, but it is also a fight for the rights of individual self-determination—a cause conservatives should always be ready and willing to fight for.

As the Supreme Court prepares to consider whether all loving couples should have the freedom to marry, it is time for conservatives to recognize that just as individual liberty should not depend on a person’s gender or race, it should not depend on whom a person loves, either.

Promises From a Christian Pastor/Parent

My dad at about age 20

Friday was the eight anniversary of the day I lost my father after he had battled a lingering illness.  It is always a strange day for me since September 26th is also my son's birthday.  I guess bitter sweet is the best way to describe the feelings I experience: sadness about my dad and joy about my wonderful son.  Coincidentally, on Friday, one of the staff from the Hampton Roads Community Foundation - which administers the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar/HRBOR scholarship I endowed in my parents memory - called me because the Foundation is updating its website and adding more history/details about the various scholarships that it administers.  Among the questions that were ask was what motivated me to use a chunk of my inheritance to create the scholarship which benefits LGBT graduating high school seniors from the seven cities of Hampton Roads.  In a nutshell, I said I wanted to (i) honor my parents for how they embraced and supported me when I came out, and (ii) help LGBT youth who might not have as supportive of parents (this area still have far to many Bible thumpers).   My father was not the easiest of parents, but when the challenge came to accepting me, he met the test.  A piece in Huffington Post by a pastor and parent (he has two young children) summarizes to me what moved my father - and my mother to do the right thing.  Here are excerpts:

Sometimes I wonder if I'll have gay children.  I'm not sure if other parents think about this, but I do -- quite often.  Maybe it's because I have many gay people in my family and circle of friends. It's in my genes and in my tribe.

Maybe it's because, as a pastor of students, I've seen and heard the horror stories of gay Christian kids -- from both inside and outside of the closet -- trying to be part of the Church.

Maybe it's because, as a Christian, I interact with so many people who find homosexuality to be the most repulsive thing imaginable, and who make that abundantly clear at every conceivable opportunity.

He then goes on to expound on how he will love and support his children shoud they be LGBT.  He then says this to the horrid Christofascist and homophobes who might be motivated to reject their children:

Many of you may be offended by all of this, I fully realize. I know this may be especially true if you are a religious person -- one who finds the whole topic disgusting or unpleasant.
As you've been reading, you may have been rolling your eyes, or clicking the roof of your mouth, or drafting familiar Scriptures to send me, or praying for me to repent, or preparing to Unfriend me, or writing me off as a sinful, evil, Hell-bound heretic... but with as much gentleness and understanding as I can muster; I really couldn't care less.
This isn't about you. This is a whole lot bigger than you.

You're not the one I waited on breathlessly for nine months.

You're not the one I wept with joy for when you were born.

You're not the one I bathed, and fed, and rocked to sleep through a hundred intimate, midnight snuggle sessions.

You're not the one I taught to ride a bike, and whose scraped knee I kissed, and whose tiny, trembling hand I held, while getting stitches.

You're not the one whose head I love to smell, and whose face lights-up when I come home at night, and whose laughter is like music to my weary soul.

You're not the one who gives my days meaning and purpose, and who I adore more than I ever thought I could adore anything.

And you're not the one who I'll hopefully be with, when I take my last precious breaths on this planet; gratefully looking back on a lifetime of shared treasures, and resting in the knowledge that I loved you well.

If you're a parent, I don't know how you'll respond if you find out your children are gay, but I pray you consider it.

One day, despite your perceptions of your kids or how you've parented, you may need to respond in real-time, to a frightened, frantic, hurting child -- one whose sense of peace, and identity and acceptance, whose very heart, may be placed in your hands in a way you never imagined -- and you'll need to respond.

If that day should ever come for me -- if my children should ever come out to me -- this is the Dad I hope I'll be to them.

My dad wasn't a church goer, but when it came to honesty, integrity and supporting his children, he was far more Christian in his behavior that the hate merchants of the professional Christian class - where lying is the norm - and the leadership of falsely named "family values" organizations. 

Family Reflections - My Father-in-Law's Funeral

My husband lost his father on Wednesday unexpectedly and today was the visitation/funeral/internment.  It was a long day to say the least and the husband held up well throughout it even as he delivered his father's eulogy which referenced our marriage in April in which my father-in-law co-officiated.  The outpouring of support from our friends in the gay community and his clients and their friends conspicuously filled the church.  The church pastor, those who assisted with the reception after all of the other events, and other church members were kind and accepting and no one even raised an eye brow as I was introduced to those I did not now as my husband's "husband."  It goes without saying that such an accepting church had long ago left the Southern Baptist Convention.

My father-in-law was a kind and loving man.  Equally loving was his late wife, my husband's mother.  They truly lived the Gospel message and always understood that we are all God's children and that none of us are loved more or less than any other.  It's a message that is lost on the Christofascists and hate peddling professional Christian crowd.    I will miss them both and will be forever grateful for the acceptance they extended to me and the love they demonstrated to me.  I feel honored to have known them.

The Tolerance Trap - Sabotaging Gay Equality

I am a strong advocate for coming out and securing not only self acceptance, but also along the way force others to change their hearts and minds. Unlike some in the LGBT community, I am not looking for tolerance.  I want to be accepted as a full and complete person and seen as a valid member of the community.  For those who cannot do that, my attitude is "its your loss if you don't accept me."  After the horrors of being fired for being gay and going through a brutal divorce with a judge who deemed being gay as a choice, things have looked up.  The husband and I are well accepted in the community and, given the success of his salon, at times I feel married to a celebrity.  Not everyone is as lucky as we have been.  A new book "The Tolerance Trap: How God, Genes, and Good Intentions are Sabotaging Gay Equality." looks at the pitfalls of merely settling for tolerance.  Here are highlights via Salon:

The larger social message now, however, is that coming out will promote tolerance. So the tolerance framework depends on coming out but insists that it be done quietly  and correctly so as not to stir up or upset heterosexual equanimity. At the same time, and contradictorily, the fantasy of a newly tolerant world downplays the persistence of the closet and therefore conceals the continued strength of homophobia.

So one must be “known” to be tolerated. But not all ways of being out are equally validated, nor are all motivations for coming out similarly situated. In truth, we have different expectations of the people we come out to. Sometimes all we want is to be heard. Sometimes we want to be known. Sometimes we want affirmation of continued love. Sometimes we want to challenge what we understand to be the homophobia of the listener. 

People can “receive” the coming out of a friend or family member as life altering, or they can hear it for a moment and then seemingly ignore its salience. Certainly, many gays report this response with their parents, when the utterance has only temporary meaning as it is actively disavowed in subsequent familial interactions or when admonitions not to come out to others (grandparents, relatives) are the immediate response.

But coming out as a singular process—and the closet as the paradigmatic metaphor for same-sex life itself—depended on the establishment of a gay identity and a gay movement to make it happen. In simple terms, one needed the very category of “the homosexual” to produce the story of coming out. As many historians and theorists have convincingly argued, the homosexual as a distinct category, a demarcated identity (rather than, say, a set of possible sexual acts or preferences) is a very modern invention, as is the heterosexual. Coming out may appear now as the transhistorical and transcultural story of gay life, but it actually was “invented” as recently as the early part of the last century.

Both the cultural historians and the psychologists would also agree that the idea that “the closet” and “coming out” are one-off experiences is patently false. Not only is coming out an endless and recurrent process so that one is always having to reengage the questions one thought settled, but the closet is of course also a space of variability, inflected geographically and culturally. Someone’s “life in the closet” may be another person’s refusal to be pinned down. While you can’t be a little  bit pregnant, you certainly can be a little  bit “out.” What seems like a straightforward question (“Are you out?”) will be answered by perhaps the majority of gays in long and meandering sentences rather than a single word. It might  be answered emphatically (“Of course I am!”) and then qualified in further conversation. Or it may be the proverbial open secret in which everyone seems to know but no one seems to be able to utter the words. While some are out to absolutely everyone in their lives, the majority of (nonexclusively heterosexual) Americans practice some sort of concealment of their sexual preference . . . 

Tolerance must not be the goal.  Rather full acceptance and fully legal and social equality must be the goals.  One needs to not make excuses or worry about the sensibilities of straights, far too many of whom care nothing about our sensibilities.  Yes, there will be some - most notably the Christofascists, who will never accept us.  But that doesn't mean we cease the effort to live "out" and openly both for our own mental well-being, but also to keep the momentum going for change.  Hopefully, the end result will be that it is the homophobes and Christofascists who are the ones driven into the closet.  It would be far too sweet to have them experience what they have forced on others for far too long.

.

Same Sex Weddings: Spend Less and More Innovative

As same sex couples marry in growing numbers - our friends are getting married in droves it seems and we attended a wedding last weekend and have another one this weekend - one phenomenon that is appearing is that we gays spend less but have more innovative weddings. I like to think a case in point is the husband and my own wedding in Washington, DC, which used the Kennedy Center roof terrace for the site of the actual ceremony.  In a few weeks we will be having a family reception and then likely two more receptions for  differing groups of friends rather than one massive event.  Like many same sex couples, we wrote our own vows.   The Advocate looks at the findings of a survey on innovative aspects of same sex weddings.  Here are highlights:

A new survey conducted by The Knot in partnership with The Advocate finds that one year after the U.S. Supreme Court's landmark ruling and marriage equality's spread across the country, same-sex couples are starting new traditions.

With a wave of new U.S. states with marriage equality in the past year, most same-sex couples (82 percent, up from 70 percent in 2013) are making it very clear to attendees that their ceremony is a wedding, by calling it this term in invitations. A minority of same-sex couples label their event a celebration (7 percent), a commitment ceremony (4 percent), or a civil union (2 percent).

Among engaged same-sex couples, 58 percent indicated there was a formal proposal (and for 38 percent of this pool, it was a surprise occasion), compared to straight couples, who had a much higher proposal rate of 94 percent. A sizable portion of same-sex couples (38 percent) mutually decided to wed.
77 percent of respondents in same-sex couples did not ask the family’s permission before getting engaged. . . . . Conversely, 71 percent of straight fiancés did ask the family's permission. And 26 percent of same-sex couples said that, of all the possible surprises that were involved with wedding planning, they were most pleased to learn that their families were accepting and willing to help them throughout the process.

In planning their matrimonies, same-sex couples are spending less on average ($15,849) than straight couples ($29,858). However, same-sex couples tend to invite fewer guests, meaning the amount spent per person is only slightly less ($205) than in a straight couple’s wedding ($220).  . . . .only 13 percent of straight couples are paying for their weddings out of their own pockets, compared to 85 percent of same-sex couples.

Some 81 percent of same-sex couples indicated that they would not hire a wedding planner. So they're being very hands-on when deciding how to adopt traditions.

Same-sex couples are far less likely than straight couples to have a religious service or officiant. Only 38 percent of those who responded to the survey said they would include a religious element to their wedding, favoring either a justice of the peace (23 percent) or a family member or friend (21 percent) to conduct the proceedings. By contrast, 63 percent of straight couples favored a religious service. In this vein, more same-sex couples (49 percent) are writing their own vows, although 29 percent said they did or would incorporate a religious component to the speech.

The practice of having one partner change a last name after marriage is not being adopted by most same-sex couples. Only 23 percent of gay couples and 41 percent of lesbian couples are going with this practice, with 54 percent keeping their own names and 15 percent creating a hyphenated surname. In contrast, 79 percent of straight brides-to-be marked “I'm changing my name to his.”

Ending Internalized Homophobia: The Next LGBT Movement

When I get contacted by readers seeking advice on their coming out process one of the things that often becomes quickly apparent: like myself before I got over it, these individuals have internalized large amounts of homophobia which is causing them to feel shame and even disgust with themselves.  While they have come to the realization that living in the closet simply isn't going to work for them any longer, they are having a horrific time letting go of the poison they have internalized in the form of religious based brainwashing/bigotry and the larger society condemnation of gays - something that while lessening can still be very powerful in many regions of the country.  During my own coming out journey, letting go of the internalized homophobia that had been instilled in me largely by my Catholic upbringing was the first and perhaps the hardest part of the process.  A piece I came across suggests that ridding gays of this internalized sense of shame and self-hate needs to be the next part of the larger LGBT movement.  Here are excerpts:

[W]hile progress for LGBT equality has undoubtedly been made since his childhood, he says, there are still plenty of issues left unaddressed.

One in particular: internalized homophobia.

"It's something that's really well-known to anyone who's gay," he says, "but not many people in the mainstream world think about it. Most people don't even know what it is — and that's dangerous."

So, what is internalized homophobia?

If it sounds like a fancy clinical term, it's because it is.  Definitions vary between therapists, but it generally refers to the internalization of a society's homophobic attitudes within lesbian, gay or bisexual people.

Researchers say it can correlate with a number of psychological and medical outcomes, including depression, shame, substance abuse and dangerous sexual behaviors.

For Thorpe, his environment shaped his internalized homophobia. The shame he felt, almost subconsciously, was a direct result of the "facts" against homosexuality he had been taught while growing up.

"You're impressionable when you're young. When I came to terms with my sexuality, I was trying to accept who I was," he says.

Matthew Weissman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C., works predominately with gay teens and adults. Most of his patients struggle with some form of internalized homophobia. Like Thorpe, the root cause is typically the home environment.

"People hear disparaging comments from friends, parents, political leaders," Weissman says. "The church, of course, creates a huge stigma against it — that one still affects a lot of people."

Geography plays a big role, too. For gay people living in communities where those stigmas still exist, he says, it's best to just move to a more progressive area. But it's not always an option — especially for teens and high schoolers.

"But I still had all these notions I'd been taught while growing up. It's easy to put aside those prejudices and acknowledge that that's all they are — but still, there's this lingering default feeling that sticks around. You can't just put that aside."

"When you're a social minority, it's so important to make contact with communities to avoid feeling isolated," he says. "That can't be stressed enough."

What can we do?

The solution is both easy and extremely challenging at the same time. For a social issue to change, the overall mindset needs a makeover. It's a tall order.

"The best thing is to identify the source of the stigma. I tell my patients to think: 'Who, or what, was it that made me feel this way for the first time?'" Weissman says. "Then go from there. If it's a certain group that you're still associated with, leave; if it's an organization, get out of it."

The Internet has definitely helped, he adds. It's easier to build communities online — an especially helpful tool for anyone who feels geographically constricted.

"If we want to end internalized homophobia, we need to first end homophobia," she says. "It's as simple as that."

The experts are right: if your church or family are the problem and refuse to accept you and modern knowledge, put distance between them and yourself.   I have friends who are plagued with internalized homophobia and they refuse to stop attending toxic, anti-gay churches which continue to reinforce the internalized sense of shame and self-loathing.  They worry about family acceptance too.  Candidly, as a parent myself, any decent parent who truly loves their child will accept a gay child.  If they won't then it's time to move on.  The problem is theirs, not yours. One of the best things I did was to leave the poisonous Catholic Church.  One of the other positives was getting involved in LGBT organizations where I was able to make many friends and learn that we are kind, good and decent people contrary to what the hate merchants preach.  Remaining isolated can literally be deadly.

Father's Day Reflections

Army lieutenant WWII

I lost my father on September 26, 2006 - ironically, my son's 21st birthday - and I continue to think of him often and sometimes find myself thinking that I want to tell him something such as about my new job and career path change.  It's hard to believe it's already been almost eight years since he left us.  He wasn't an easy father, but I credit much of my sense of what's right and wrong to him and he instilled in all of his children that it was better to do the right thing rather than follow the herd and follow the less noble, less moral course of action.  That duty to morality and instilled sense of what's right and what's wrong - and unwillingness to suffer fools readily - doesn't always make one popular, but it allows you to always look at yourself in the mirror without regrets.

Equally importantly, my father stood by me when I came out and was there for me when I saw my legal career crash as I was forced out of my former law firm due to homophobic bigotry.  Sadly, he never got to meet and know my husband, but I suspect they would have hit it off.  Thankfully, my mother was able to have my husband in her life for three years and they truly bonded with one another. 

To my father my message today is that I love and miss you.  As time goes by, I appreciate what you accomplished and taught me more and more.  I hope you are proud of the scholarship I endowed in your names.  Happy Father's Day.

Parental Acceptance and Fond Memories of My Parents.

Today would have been my late parents' 64th wedding anniversary.   They are pictured above on their wedding day. Ironically, my husbands' parents were also married on June 3, 1950, at approximately the same time of day as my parents.  Talk about weird coincidences.  Not surprisingly, I thought of my parents frequently today and the way they were wonderfully supportive and accepting when I came out in mid-life after 24 years of marriage.  Sadly, not all LGBT individuals are as lucky as I was and, in honor of my parents, in April 2011, I endowed a permanent scholarship fund (contributions are tax deductible) in their honor and in honor of Hampton Roads Business OutReach ("HRBOR") which I helped found shortly after my father's death.   I miss my parents everyday.  Here are highlights from a post I wrote back in 2011:

I provided the initial funding to establish the scholarship for a number of reasons, not the least of which was to honor my parents who always valued education and who were unwavering in their support of me when I came out. In fact, when I was telling them that I was gay and made a remark that I hoped that they would not disown me, my father - not always the easiest of individuals to get along with - was indignant that I'd even think such a thing about them. He honestly could not conceive of any decent parent who would disown their own child merely because they were gay. Unfortunately, many parents do not follow my late parents' example. And as a result, LGBT youth make up a disproportionate percentage of homeless youths because too many parents prefer to cling to religious based bigotry or worry about what others will think rather than stand by their children.

Other LGBT youths, if not disowned and homeless, nonetheless can find themselves cut off from family resources and may never have an opportunity to got to college. Sadly, I know a significant number of individuals who suffered this disheartening experience. It's a tragedy. I sincerely hope that this scholarship will help offset such bigotry in small part and over time will grow and provide benefit for more aspiring LGBT youth each year. 

Please consider making a donation - either in honor of my parents or my marriage to my husband. 

Prop 8 Lawyer Charles Cooper Now Supports Same Sex Marriage

Activists and news junkies like myself will remember that Charles Cooper argued before the United States Supreme Court that Proposition 8 was constitutional and Cooper opposed same sex marriage.  Then an amazing thing happened: Cooper's stepdaughter came out as lesbian.  Now she is getting married to her partner and Cooper is helping with the wedding planning.  This about face shows the power of LGBT individuals living their lives "out" and proud.  It does changes hearts and minds.  True, some us will not have the positive experience of Cooper's stepdaughter, but in the larger scheme of things being out will create change.  A piece in Slate looks at Charles Cooper's stunning "evolution" on same sex marriage.  Here are highlights:

The lawyer who argued before the Supreme Court last year in defense of California’s Proposition 8 that banned gay marriage in the state, says his views on same-sex marriage are evolving. It’s a stunning change of heart from attorney Charles Cooper who argued before the court that same-sex unions weaken marriages between a man and a woman.

The reason behind Cooper’s rethink on the issue is an understandable one—during the high profile case, he learned his stepdaughter was gay. "My views evolve on issues of this kind the same way as other people's do, and how I view this down the road may not be the way I view it now, or how I viewed it ten years ago," Cooper is quoted as saying in an upcoming book, the Associated Press reports. In journalist Jo Becker’s book "Forcing the Spring: Inside the Fight for Marriage Equality," Becker recounts how, as the case rose through the court system, “Cooper's family began to consider the plaintiffs in the case, Kris Perry and Sandy Stier, as an inspiration for their daughter,” according to the AP.

With the case resolved, and Prop 8 dismissed by the Supreme Court, signaling a victory for gay rights advocates, Cooper opened up about his evolving personal opinion on gay marriage. Cooper’s stepdaughter plans to marry her partner in Massachusetts this summer. In a statement to the AP: Cooper said his family "is typical of families all across America." "My daughter Ashley's path in life has led her to happiness with a lovely young woman named Casey, and our family and Casey's family are looking forward to celebrating their marriage in just a few weeks," he said.

Hate group leader Tony Perkins and NOM's Brian Brown must be acting as if someone just peed big time in their Cheerios.  I can just imagine the flying spittle. 

"Coming Out" as Gay Meant That I Could Finally be Myself

In my surfing the Internet to find thinks to talk about, I came across a column from last October on The Journal, a news outlet based in Ireland, that hit a nerve with me since the author, like me had come out in mid-life.  The title to this post is a shortened version of his column and to me, it underscored what coming out meant for me.  Just finally being able to be myself and to stop playing a role on a stage dictated to me by others/society.  Like the author (pictured at right), over time playing this imposed role just became harder and harder and led to my decision to either come out and face who I was and come to terms with it or end my life.  From the e-mails I receive, I know many others are going through this struggle which is anything but easy.  Yet, despite the difficulty of the journey, I remain convinced that the journey is worth it.  To not undertake the journey ultimately is tantamount to giving up one's soul.  Yes, there are times along the way where it seemed that a decision to remain in the closet would have been easier.  But in the long run, if I had remained in the closet I would have slowly suffocated and likely have cause unhappiness to those I loved in any event.  Note: (i) how the author could not come out even to himself for many years - that certainly was my situation as well, and (ii) how getting in LGBT organizations helped in the transition.  Here are highlights from the column:

SINCE COMING OUT, I have left my anti-depressants behind, travelled the world, made lots of friends and, now – at the age of 68 – I would have to say I am relatively happy. But it has been a long road and it hasn’t been easy.

I was born in Mayo back in 1945, when Ireland was a very different place. I went to a small school in the countryside, then on to boarding school, before joining a monastery when I was 18, where I stayed for four years. I was very religious then, but decided to leave the monastery to study English in UCD, after which I became a secondary school teacher, and got married. At that stage, I was in denial about my sexuality and couldn’t come out even to myself.

The marriage started off well and I loved my wife a lot – and still do in many ways – but the fact that I was gay became something that, increasingly, I could no longer ignore. I struggled a lot with that and it caused me severe depression.

When I was 40, I went on a trip to Amsterdam, where I visited a number of gay venues and felt totally at home. Only then did I actually come out to myself and admit that I was gay. A few years later, I told my wife – but I said I was bisexual to soften the blow, as a lot of gay people do when they are coming out to their partner. We stayed together for 10 years after that, but my depression became so severe that I had to give up teaching, which meant I was at home doing nothing, and so it became even worse.

Eventually, I became suicidal and was admitted to hospital in 1999, aged 54. At that stage, I was experiencing total self-hatred but, while I was in hospital, I got very angry and, to be honest, it was actually the anger that saved me in the end. I realised that I had to be true not only to me but to the world, and I decided that I deserved to be able to live my life truthfully. I couldn’t take it anymore and my marriage was annulled.

After that point, I was in a gay relationship for a few years, but it didn’t work out. I also started to work part-time in Outhouse LGBT Community Resource Centre on Capel Street in Dublin and, during the 10 years I worked there, I met a huge amount people of all different ages and backgrounds who had come out under various circumstances and in their own unique ways. I drew enormous strength from being around these people who understood what I had been through and I learned a lot.

Looking back, there were three main factors holding me back from coming out. They were: the danger of losing my family, including my parents; the social situation of living in Ireland at a time when it was not even legal to be gay; and religion. In that order.

Happily, I can say that, since coming out, my family – including my two children from my marriage and my extended family in Mayo – have been very supportive. As for religion, these days I would say I am a 100 per cent non-religious and a 100 per cent believer, so faith is important to me, but I’m not a practicing Catholic.

it’s important to realise that there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ to ‘coming out’. Everyone is different. If you were to ask me to give advice to people who may be thinking of coming out, I would say ‘Get loads of advice and proceed with caution’.  For me, however, I finally feel like me.

Some time ago I posted these lines from a Susan Boyle song, but they do describe the point that I have finally achieved after much struggle and plenty of turmoil:

And though I may not
Know the answers
I can finally say I am free
And if the questions
Led me here, then
I am who, I was born to be

We all deserve to be who we were born to be and no one has the right to take that from us.  No one.

The Boyfriend and I Are Getting Married

12-15-13 at a friend's home in Kingsmill near Williamsburg

A number of readers of this blog have followed it from the beginning and have followed me through the horrors of my divorce after coming out, my struggles to find full self-acceptance and freedom from internalized homophobia, moments of deep depression and other life time events and challenges.  Now, after five and a half years together, the boyfriend and I have set a date and will be getting married in Washington, D.C., on Sunday, April 20, 2014.  We will be using the same marriage commissioner that friends used and found to be wonderful.  

As for the timing, we had thought of waiting until marriage became legal in Virginia, but in the wake of the DOMA ruling and with the boyfriend's dad growing older - we want him to co-officiate since he is a retired pastor - we decided that waiting would be a mistake.  The ceremony in Washington, D.C. will be small.  We will have a larger reception back in Hampton at a later date which has not yet been finalized.  So far the support from friends and family, including all three of my children, has been amazing.  

More details will follow as the plans become finalized.  My life has come a long way since the dark days of the past.

A Father's Beautiful Letter to His Gay Son

Thanksgiving is only three days away and for many in the LGBT community it's a time of pain and hurt arising from parental and family rejection.  Rejection fueled most often by the parents and family members who cling to the ignorant writing of Bronze Age herders rather than exercise thought and analysis to discern that the Bible is fraught with inconsistencies and much that is ugly and down right horrible.  As longer term readers know, I was lucky and when I came out in mid-life, my parents accepted me without reservation (in honor of my late parents, I endowed a scholarship in their name for LGBT graduating high school students).  But others have been lucky too.  A piece in The New Civil Rights Movement reflects on one such happy story:

A father overheard his son making plans to come out to him. The son apparently was talking with his boyfriend.

The dad, who deserves a “Father of the Year” award, wrote him a letter to save him the trouble of coming out.

“Nate,” the dad writes, “I overheard your phone conversation with Mike last night about your plans to come out to me. The only thing I need you to plan is to bring home orange juice and bread after class. We are out, like you now.”
“I’ve known you were gay since you were six, I’ve loved you since you were born.”
“P.S. Your mom and I think you and Mike make a cute couple.”

We thought this was pretty cool, and tried to find the letter’s origins. Turns out, this was published back in March, but since we hadn’t seen it, we thought perhaps you might not have either.

The letter was published most recently here, but also earlier on Buzzfeed and The Huffington Post, and on FCKH8.com.

Kudos to this father.  He exemplifies good parenting unlike the "godly folk" who reject their own children because they are gay.   For those not as lucky as Nate in the letter discussed, please keep them in your thoughts and help them keep hope alive that someday their parents/families will have the scales peeled off their eyes and see the real truth: we are all equally human and all deserving of love.