Father's Day Reflections

Army lieutenant WWII

I lost my father on September 26, 2006 - ironically, my son's 21st birthday - and I continue to think of him often and sometimes find myself thinking that I want to tell him something such as about my new job and career path change.  It's hard to believe it's already been almost eight years since he left us.  He wasn't an easy father, but I credit much of my sense of what's right and wrong to him and he instilled in all of his children that it was better to do the right thing rather than follow the herd and follow the less noble, less moral course of action.  That duty to morality and instilled sense of what's right and what's wrong - and unwillingness to suffer fools readily - doesn't always make one popular, but it allows you to always look at yourself in the mirror without regrets.

Equally importantly, my father stood by me when I came out and was there for me when I saw my legal career crash as I was forced out of my former law firm due to homophobic bigotry.  Sadly, he never got to meet and know my husband, but I suspect they would have hit it off.  Thankfully, my mother was able to have my husband in her life for three years and they truly bonded with one another. 

To my father my message today is that I love and miss you.  As time goes by, I appreciate what you accomplished and taught me more and more.  I hope you are proud of the scholarship I endowed in your names.  Happy Father's Day.

Father's Day Reflections

I lost my father on September 26, 2006, and rarely a day goes by that I don't think of him.  He was a tough taskmaster for his children and expected us to excel in school- which we all did - and taught us how to do all sorts of things from roofing barns and the summer home to doing concrete work and simple plumbing tasks. 

Orphaned at age 3 and raised to age 16 in an orphanage that used the children do do all kinds of labor and tasks.   World War II started and he soon found himself in the Army Corps of Engineers as a First Lieutenant and crossed the English Channel the day after D-Day.  He was only 18 at the time (see image above).  He finished the War as Fire Marshall of Marseilles after seeing much of France and Paris during the last years of the War.  He used the GI bill to put himself through Syracuse University where he met my mother.  He went on to raise five children, put us all through school and remained there to support us as tough times and turbulence came along.  When I came out, he amazed many people by accepting me unquestioningly.  He wasn't an easy person to have as a dad at times, but especially in retrospect, his heart was always in the right place.  I miss him greatly and wish that he had lived long enough to meet my partner, Barry.

Today, I find myself the father of three and grandfather to one, with another grandchild due within the next two weeks or so.  Through my son-in-law, I also have a step-granddaughter (pictured holding my granddaughter).  We hear much from the Christofascists about gays being unfit parents and all sorts of horrible anti-gay propaganda.  Like most everything that comes from these hate-filled, unloving "godly Christians," none of it is true.  Like my dad, I may not have been the easiest dad to my kids, but I hope they know that my heart was always in the right place, even during the worse moments of my coming out transition and my very nasty divorce.

Yesterday we attended a cookout at the boyfriend's father's home that included my youngest daughter and her family and the pastor of my father-in-law's church.  My daughter and son-in-law gave us a wonderful card (it is addressed to both me and the boyfriend).  Here's a portion of the written note inside it:

"We don't know what we would have done/what we would do without you both.  We love you so much and Kyleah and Mia are so lucky to have you both in their lives."

We feel blessed to have them in our lives. These sweet girls will grow up knowing the truth about gays as opposed to the lies disseminated about us.

My message to readers who are struggling with coming out after marriage and children is to hang in there.  It does get better and time is on your side when it comes to your relationships with your children.  It's a message that my therapist tried to beat into my head and he was right.  Things may not move on the schedule we want - I am one for immediate gratification and low on patience - but despite the current darkness, a bright future is there ahead.  Live you life proudly and openly be true to who you are.  And always let your children know that you are there for them. Your children will eventually figure it out. 

Father's Day Thoughts

So far my day has been pretty good. I went to church - and probably will need to get back to going more regularly since I am subletting part of my office space to the Lutheran Council of Tidewater to help with the overhead until the real estate market picks up again, whenever that might be - and then I met my two daughters for brunch at No Frill Grill here in Ghent and about two blocks from my church. We had a great visit and my oldest brought me up to date on the summer swim league team that she coaches at the pool where I was once on the board and pool president for two terms. She has 254 swimmers on her team ranging in age from 5 to 18. She loves coaching and is a natural talent with kids. I think she will be a great counselor when she starts her full time position at a Virginia Beach high school in August. The first swim meet is on this coming Saturday and I may go to watch the team hopefully beat a mean spirited arch rival team.

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My younger daughter has two days off from work and is as busy as ever and will be going to Richmond later today to see a friend and then on to Washington, D.C., where a band she knows is putting on a show. They are both smart, poised young women and I am ever so proud of them. As is typical, our conversation also included politics and their strong desire to see Obama elected as president. My oldest who voted a straight GOP ticket (other than for Bush) in her first election experience plans to vote a straight Democrat ticket this year. She is one of many younger voters that the Chimperator, Karl Rove and the Christianists have driven from the GOP.
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The TACT fundraiser yesterday had a huge turn out of probably 350 to 400 people. I avoided playing volleyball and read a book and worked on my tan from about 1:30 PM until 5:00PM when the party/fundraiser began. In addition to food and adult beverages, there war a great DJ and we had a fair group who danced for hours. It was a great event although it was weird having large numbers of red-neck fishermen on the pier below the upper deck where the event was held. I will confess to being naughty: I wore a white shirt - there was a white party theme - that had the legend "Stop Gay Oppression - Spay ot Neuter and Evangelical" aross the chest. Needless to say, I wore a shirt over it when descending down to the pier level. : )

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Thankfully, the wind has finally shifted today from a south southwesterly direction so that for the first time in days we are not getting blanketed with smoke and/or awful smells from the wild fires burning in northeaster North Carolina. The sunset on the pier last night was surreal due to the sun setting in a haze of smoke particles which created a pink/red glow in the sky. Fortunately, up on the Bay the smell was nowhere near as bad as in other parts of the metropolitan area.

Father's Day Musings

Today has been a strange father's day. First off, it's the first one that has occurred since my dad died last September. June used to be full of events involving him: Wedding anniversary on June 3; birthday on June 9; and fathers day. While we often did not get along and only fully reconciled a while before his death, it is simply so strange not to know he's there any more.

Second, I have so far had no word from the kids yet today. Sadly, I won't be surprised if I hear nothing from them. Their mother has worked long and hard for years to always make me the bad guy so that she could play the "good mommy" role. In retrospect, I should have left her many years earlier. She manipulated and used me for so long and, secretly trying to atone for hidden sexual orientation, I generally let it happen. For all those closeted married guys, my advice is DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE. You have nothing to apologize for in terms of who you are.

I continue to be glad about the Graduation. The photo at top is of my two daughters. The older, Lauren, at least has spoken to me in the last few weeks. I have got to do some work at the office - in a weak moment I said I would speak at a seminar and now I have to finish the course materials I am covering - and then Raymond and I are going to chill. The party in Willoughby Spit last night was awesome: open bar, great food, music, and on the beach with a fantastic sunset as the evening progressed. The hosts, Cindy Cutler and Craig Haines DO know how to throw a fabulous party, The down side is that I am suffering a bit from Grey Goose poisoning today.