Another "Ex-Gay" Leader Admits Conversion Therapy is a Fraud

While far right groups held a pitifully attended "straight pride" event in Boston (the counter protesters far out numbered the few dozen participants), the far right and Christofascists groups continue to peddle the lie that "conversion therapy" can change one from gay to straight. Why?  Three reasons, in my view: (i) its very lucrative financially to the charlatans who operate the "ministries," (ii) it provides an excuse to oppose LGBT non-discrimination protections, and (iii) it allows proponents to avoid admitting that homosexuality is a normal, god-given characteristic for a certain portion of the population and that their corruption of the Bible is flat out wrong.  Depending on the quack involved, the particular motivation will vary. One thing that has not changed is the continuing cavalcade of former "ex-gay" leaders who are admitting that the programs they lead - sometimes for many years - were and are frauds.  A long piece in the Charleston Post Courier looks at the latest individual to admit that the entire conversion therapy industry is a fraud.  It also looks at who right wing religion pushed him to try to "change," plus the other casualties of these fraudulent programs: the straight spouses these "ex-gays" marry.  Here are excerpts:

McKrae Game is gay.  He was gay when he received counseling from a therapist who assured him he could overcome his same-sex attractions. He was gay when he married a woman and founded what would become one of the nation’s most expansive conversion therapy ministries. He was gay when thousands of people just like him sought his organization’s counsel, all with the goal of erasing the part of themselves Game and his associates preached would send them to hell.

For two decades, he led Hope for Wholeness, a faith-based conversion therapy program in South Carolina’s Upstate. Conversion therapy is a discredited practice intended to suppress or eradicate a person’s LGBTQ identity through counseling or ministry.

In June, Game publicly announced he was gay and severed his ties with the organization. Now, the man once billed as a leading voice in the conversion therapy movement is trying to come to terms with the harm he inflicted while also learning to embrace a world and community he assailed for most of his adult life.

Game is one of many former conversion therapy leaders who have left the movement and come out as LGBTQ.

In 2014, nine founders and leaders from some of the country’s most prominent programs and ministries wrote an open letter calling for a nationwide ban on the practice.

“As former ex-gay leaders, having witnessed the incredible harm done to those who attempted to change their sexual orientation or gender identity, we join together in calling for a ban on conversion therapy,” they wrote in the letter. “It is our firm belief that it is much more productive to support, counsel, and mentor LGBTQ individuals to embrace who they are in order to live happy, well-adjusted lives.”

“Conversion therapy is not just a lie, but it’s very harmful,” Game told The Post and Courier. “Because it’s false advertising.”

Nearly 700,000 LGBTQ-identifying adults have undergone conversion therapy treatments or counseling, according to a 2018 study by UCLA’s Williams Institute. The various forms of conversion have been tied to emotional and psychological trauma for many, including depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide. It’s been condemned by virtually every major medical group in the United States, including the American Psychological Association and the American Medical Association.

Eighteen states and Washington, D.C., have laws on the books banning the practices on anyone younger than 18. South Carolina is not one of them. Whether or not there’s a ban in place, there’s nothing to prevent a religious organization from offering such counseling.

“I was a religious zealot that hurt people,” Game said in an interview. “People said they attempted suicide over me and the things I said to them. People, I know, are in therapy because of me. Why would I want that to continue?”

Game recently published a written apology to his personal Facebook page in which he called for the dissolution of any conversion therapy practice or ex-gay ministry.  Game said he realizes that for many an apology won’t be enough. And that he’ll likely be apologizing for the rest of his life.

While I never participated in a formal "conversion therapy" program, I tried many of the techniques they advocate.  I never "changed" but I surely experienced increased levels of self-loathing and self-hate, none of which made me a better person or parent to my children.  Yet believing the lie that "change" was possible I married - like Game did - and cheated my former wife from the type of marriage she deserved. She has remarried and I hope she is truly happy. Will she ever forgive me for believing the lie and marrying her?  Probably not. Of course, the proponents of conversion therapy care nothing about the spouses of gays or their children.  All that matters is the money to be made, furthering their political agenda, and/or avoiding the truth about their false faith system.

The Post Courier has another good piece entitled "Taught to Hate Myself" that is  worth a read. Sadly, these fraudulent ministries continue to do severe harm on a daily basis.

Utah Mormon Republican Comes Out as Gay: He "Could Not Continue to Live a Lie”

Nathan Ivie — Photo: Facebook

Those of us of older generations and/or raised in anti-gay religious traditions often struggle for years trying to "pray away the gay" or even undergoing fraudulent "conversion therapy" in order to meet family or religious denomination expectations.  Having undergone this struggle myself for decades, I can assure straight readers that it is a living hell filled with self-hate and self-loathing and, at least in my own case, constant thoughts of suicide which eventually lead to two serious attempts which landed me in the hospital.  Eventually many of us - unless one is Rick Santorum or Ken Cuccinelli - reach a point where we simply no longer have the strength to continue to live a lie and live our lives as actors on a stage playing an assigned role. To say that it is exhausting and soul killing is an understatement.

This is not to say that those of us who married spouses of the opposite gender did not love that other person as much as a gay can romantically love an  opposite gender spouse.  I/we did love them, yet felt guilt because in our heart we could not be what they deserved. This damage to both the gay spouse and the straight spouse is the direct fruit of right wing Christians' - and Muslims' - rejection of modern medical and mental health knowledge on sexual orientation.  Rather than admit that their cherished religious dogma is wrong, these fundamentalist prefer to ruin countless lives. 

As Metro Weekly is reporting, a Mormon Republican  from the state of Utah finally reached the point I reached 18 years ago where he simply could no longer live the lie.  Here are article excerpts:

A Republican lawmaker in Utah has come out as gay after working with families who lost their LGBTQ children to suicide.  Nathan Ivie, a Utah County Commissioner, posted a four-minute video to his Facebook page saying that he had been fighting his sexuality since age 9.

The forty-year-old also detailed a suicide attempt in his early 20s, and said he wanted to help struggling LGBTQ youth know that life is worth living.

“There’s no easy way to say this, I might as well just jump up and say it — I’m gay,” Ivie, who is also Mormon, said. “That’s my reality and that’s what I need to talk to you about today.” Ivie said he had spent “decades…wrestling with who I really am,” and that accepting his sexuality had “not been easy.”

“I understand the impact my discoveries have had and will have on others, yet I’m still the same person I’ve always been,” he said. “I hope, to you, this part of my life doesn’t become my defining trait.”

Ivie said that, when he first realized his sexuality at age 9, he “believed there was something wrong with me.”  “I fought from the beginning to find some way to change myself,” Ivie said. “That battle resulted in a failed suicide attempt when I was 22 years old.”

After recovering from what he called a “near tragedy,” Ivie said he “tried to live the life that was expected of me.” “The truth is, I never felt comfortable in my own skin,” he continued. “I felt I was living someone else’s life rather than my own.”

Ivie said that while he was “as committed today as I have ever been to my faith, family and freedom,” he realized he “could not continue to live a lie. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right for anyone.”

The politician noted that he and his wife had separated, but that she remains his best friend and they have discussed at length how to “move forward as a different kind of family to fulfill the responsibilities we took on together to our two amazing children.”

Ivie said he was aware that some would neither understand nor accept his announcement, but that he would “continue to serve my county as Utah County commissioner with all of my heart. I know there are haters in every area of our lives, but we cannot let that be what defines us as a community.”

Ivie said his decision to come out was inspired by working with families who have lost LGBTQ children to suicide.  “That really makes you reevaluate your life, and what you’re doing as a leader to prevent that kind of stuff,” he said.

He added that he wanted young LGBTQ people to know that “it’s OK to be different, it’s OK to live authentically. You can be gay and a Republican…. You need to trust that people will love you for who you really are.”

Speaking to the Salt Lake Tribune, he noted that “somewhere out there” is a younger version of him, who is contemplating taking their own life, and that he wants them to know that it’s worth continuing to live.  “They need to know that it is,” Ivie said. “They need to know they’re valued, they’re loved.”

Tanner Ainge, who serves alongside Ivie on the Utah County Commission, tweeted his support for Ivie’s announcement.

“My instinct is just to embrace [Nathan],” he tweeted. “Today I stand with him as a friend, valued colleague, and fellow Republican. His story will provide strength and hope to those feeling the lonely despair that almost took his life and has taken too many in our community.”

Utah has one of the highest youth suicide rates in America - in my view probably in no small part due the the Mormon Church's historic homophobia.  In my own case, I think I knew from around age 12 that I was gay, but my Catholic upbringing in then conservative Central New York  and family expectations - not to mention the fact that homosexuality was at the time classified as a mental illness - made accepting my true self impossible.  Suicide seemed a far better solution to my problem. Kudos to Ivie for coming out and striving to stop LGBT youth suicides. 

Fear of Being Outed Prompted Killing by Aaron Hernandez

Internalized homophobia is a horrible thing.  It impacts individuals in varying ways: (i) it causes some individuals to be overwhelmed with self-hate and resort to suicide, (ii) others lash out against others in the LGBT community by embracing anti-gay politics and religion, and (iii) others take desperate steps to conceal their "secret."  New reports indicate that  former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, who hung himself in his solitary jail cell, took deadly action and killed a one time friend to prevent being "outed."  A sad end to a sad story and life.  Tainted because of religious fueled homophobia and the internalized self-hate that it causes in so many LGBT individuals.  Science tells us that sexual orientation is not a choice, is set before we are born, and is a normal aspect of biology.  Yet, ignorance embracing religion demonizes same sex attraction and continues to destroy lives across the world.  The Advocate looks at Hernandez' disturbing tale.  Here are excepts:

Newsweek confirmed that Hernandez, 27, left a suicide note for his female fiancee, his daughter, and the boyfriend he met at the Souza Baranowski Correctional Center in Shirley, Mass, where he was serving a life sentence for murder. Hernandez's boyfriend, who has not been named by the media, is under suicide watch.

Hernandez was convicted for the murder of his one-time friend, Odin Lloyd. A motive for the 2013 killing was never clear, but Newsweek and other outlets reported that Lloyd was aware Hernandez was bisexual and had carried on a long-time affair with a male friend from high school. At the time of his death, Lloyd was dating the sister of Hernandez's fiancee; it's believed Hernandez was fearful word of his bisexuality would reach his fiancee.

Lloyd also allegedly called Hernandez a "smoocher," which the football star believed was an antigay slur. Later, a man accused of helping Hernandez attempt to conceal Lloyd's murder told his girlfriend he would not have helped him had he known he was a "limp wrist."

Hernandez, born in Bristol, Conn., in 1989, lost his father at the age of 16. Even with a promising football future at the University of Florida, Hernandez could not escape a life of crime and violence. He was accused of taking part in a 2007 double-shooting that left two men injured in Gainseville, Fla.; he was not convicted. Five years later, he was connected to a shooting in Boston that left two men dead, but was found not guilty of that crime five days before he committed suicide. 

When Hernandez's body was discovered this week — the same day his former teammates traveled to the White House to celebrate their Super Bowl win in February — he had a Bible verse scrawled on his forehead and red ink on his hands and feet, imitating the stigmata.

A Somewhat Overlooked Impact of the Gay Marriage Ruling

One aspect of the recent same sex marriage ruling that is overlooked by many - in the case of the self-centered Christofascists, they don't care even if it has crossed their minds - is that for countless LGBT youth there is now a message from the highest court in the land that they are worthy of dignity and that their love is worthy of state recognition.   For straights, it may be hard to comprehend how deeply this touches emotionally - I shed some tears when I heard of the ruling - and how many may in the future suffer less from the self-hate and damaged lives that goes with trying to "pray the gay away" and living in the closet.  A piece in Huffington Post by a psychologist looks at this perhaps overlooked impact and the benefits that may flow from the ruling.  Here are highlights:

[H]omosexuality and gay marriage are highly emotional issues. And we therapists possess the privilege of a unique perspective on the emotional elements of most any issue. And the emotional elements are crucial in understanding the issue overall.

For I have sat across from the young man fighting against his truth, his gay-ness, with every fiber of his being. Because it will disappoint his parents. Because he won't be accepted or loved, but rejected. Because he has been taught that who he knows himself to be is wrong. So he fights. He fights against his very nature. The resulting anxiety and depression run so very deep.

I have sat across from the teenage girl who recognizes who she is, but loathes the fact of it, and loathes herself as a result. Because it makes her life so hard, so odd, so weird. It estranges from people she once considered safe. Thoughts of suicide hover in the shadows all around her. And yet in every conceivable way, she is better-than-fine: bright, driven, beautiful, athletic, funny. And gay.

And I have sat across from the man who has lived a lie his entire life, hiding beneath the trappings of 'normalcy': wife, children, house, couple of dogs. Family man. But he is tortured nonetheless. For he is gay as well, and he and those around him, he projects, would find this to be unacceptable. And now an entire family is drawn into the dark.

[T]his ruling suggests another wave in a sea change. For many people, many of my own clients in fact, can now comfort themselves with the fact that what they sense and know about themselves, this undeniable core essence of their being, is now lawful and allowable and acceptable by society's standards. And sure, that's good. 

But it goes beyond just that, right? Because for the majority of us, our loves and attractions are actually celebrated, from crushes to dates to proms to weddings. And we don't really need to give it a thought. There is a wild emotional divide between private shame and public celebration, and it is critical.

I like to think that a generation from now, if our sons or daughters are drawn to someone, male or female, and fall in love with that someone, that we will want to share in the joy that love will bring to their lives, and to our own. 

Making ourselves unavailable to that joy ensures, and has ensured, the opposite: fear and judgment and ego, enough to keep therapists like me flush with clients for generations, treating toxic, wholly unnecessary feelings of shame and depression and relentless anxiety about something that is organic and authentic and actually quite simple.

Fewer people will be compelled to live a lie their entire lives. Fewer people will feel a need to shield their deep reality in shame. Fewer lives will end tragically. This is no small deal.

So I celebrate today, for the emotional well-being of every gay person, man or woman,
who has suffered their love in lieu of celebration. I celebrate the deep breath they can finally draw, and the joyful, well-appointed weddings on the horizon.

Of course, upon sober reflection, we all know that legislation does not flip a switch on feelings, attitudes and emotions. These biases lag well behind.

So if you are the parent, brother, sister, teacher or friend of a gay man or woman and you find yourself bitter today, let me encourage you to turn a page. Allow yourself to open your heart and mind to them, for them and for yourself. Because the train has left the station, and you can continue to be a part of the pain and anxiety and costly emotional heartache, or serve as part of the joy.

Homophobia and America's Huge" Closet"

Sarah Rice—Getty Images

Despite advances in gay rights compared to even 15 years ago, the number of men who remain in the closet remains shockingly large and demonstrates that homophobia and fear of becoming a social outcast and/or losing one's job is very much alive and well, especially in "conservative" states an regions.  Don't believe me?  Try a simple experiment: check out Craigslist and see how many "MWM" - married white male - and "DL" - down low - individuals that you will find on any given day.  There are LOTS of them.  Odds are these individuals do not respond to surveys admitting their true sexual orientation.  Hence, the true umber of gays is, in my view still, way under reported.  A piece in Time Magazine looks at America's huge closet and the damage that it does. Here are some highlights:

After determining that the percentage of men attracted primarily to men is roughly equivalent in states throughout the country, based on dating site and adult-content searches, Stephens-Davidowitz was able to draw some preliminary conclusions. The barriers preventing men from building openly gay lives in certain parts of the country are clearly specific to the local social climate. For instance: The rate of Craigslist searches by men seeking casual encounters with men is higher in Mississippi than in New York, while there’s a higher rate of gay men seeking dates and relationships on Match.com in New York than in Mississippi.

“The closet doesn’t just mean you don’t announce your sexuality on Facebook,” Stephens-Davidowitz said. “It’s influencing people’s lives in a big way.” For a closeted gay or bisexual man in Mississippi or someplace like it, in other words, a relationship with a man may seem impossible. Some men in this situation are married to women or are trying to pass as heterosexual while seeking secretive, casual encounters on the side.

Stephens-Davidowitz points to one horribly confining and terribly sad effect of homophobia in conservative parts of the country and even in conservative areas of more liberal regions: It allows gay and bisexual men in these regions to seek only furtive, often dangerous sexual encounters with other men rather than making free choices about their sexual and emotional interactions and enjoying the rites of passage of dating and relationships just as heterosexuals do.

Looking at Google searches, Stephens-Davidowitz found that the question “How do I know if my husband is gay?” is far more common than “How do I know if my husband is cheating?” or “How do I know if my husband is depressed?” Moreover, the highest percentage per capita of “How do I know if my husband is gay?” searches come from conservative parts of the country, with South Carolina at number 1, followed by Kentucky and Louisiana.

Stephens-Davidowitz determined that, . . . about half of gay men nationally do not identify publicly as gay or bisexual. In more conservative places, again using Mississippi as an example, that figure goes up to 80%.

Far fewer people are openly gay (or, we can assume, openly lesbian or bisexual) than we have come to think, even in perhaps the most liberal places, and it’s extremely difficult to be out in many parts of the country. The presumption of victory whitewashes the hardship of millions of Americans — not just lesbians and gays themselves but also the spouses and children of people living in the closet.

“In Gallup polls, among people under the age of 30, more than 6 percent of adults tell pollsters they’re gay,” Williams Institute Demographer Gary Gates told the Chicago Sun-Times in 2013 . . . a large piece of that is younger people are growing up in an environment where this is acceptable, so they’re willing to identify themselves as gay.”

The closet is very damaging, both for gays and their families - I know, I lived in the closet for 37 years.  It made me miserable much of the time and certainly prevented me from being as good of parent as I might otherwise have been.  Self-hate and self-loathing and living in fear of having one's "secret" discovered does not make for a happy life or quality relationships.  Yet, thanks to the "godly folk" and the embrace of ignorance and bigotry, millions still suffer because of homophobia and the closet.  This needs to end NOW.

 

Ending Internalized Homophobia: The Next LGBT Movement

When I get contacted by readers seeking advice on their coming out process one of the things that often becomes quickly apparent: like myself before I got over it, these individuals have internalized large amounts of homophobia which is causing them to feel shame and even disgust with themselves.  While they have come to the realization that living in the closet simply isn't going to work for them any longer, they are having a horrific time letting go of the poison they have internalized in the form of religious based brainwashing/bigotry and the larger society condemnation of gays - something that while lessening can still be very powerful in many regions of the country.  During my own coming out journey, letting go of the internalized homophobia that had been instilled in me largely by my Catholic upbringing was the first and perhaps the hardest part of the process.  A piece I came across suggests that ridding gays of this internalized sense of shame and self-hate needs to be the next part of the larger LGBT movement.  Here are excerpts:

[W]hile progress for LGBT equality has undoubtedly been made since his childhood, he says, there are still plenty of issues left unaddressed.

One in particular: internalized homophobia.

"It's something that's really well-known to anyone who's gay," he says, "but not many people in the mainstream world think about it. Most people don't even know what it is — and that's dangerous."

So, what is internalized homophobia?

If it sounds like a fancy clinical term, it's because it is.  Definitions vary between therapists, but it generally refers to the internalization of a society's homophobic attitudes within lesbian, gay or bisexual people.

Researchers say it can correlate with a number of psychological and medical outcomes, including depression, shame, substance abuse and dangerous sexual behaviors.

For Thorpe, his environment shaped his internalized homophobia. The shame he felt, almost subconsciously, was a direct result of the "facts" against homosexuality he had been taught while growing up.

"You're impressionable when you're young. When I came to terms with my sexuality, I was trying to accept who I was," he says.

Matthew Weissman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C., works predominately with gay teens and adults. Most of his patients struggle with some form of internalized homophobia. Like Thorpe, the root cause is typically the home environment.

"People hear disparaging comments from friends, parents, political leaders," Weissman says. "The church, of course, creates a huge stigma against it — that one still affects a lot of people."

Geography plays a big role, too. For gay people living in communities where those stigmas still exist, he says, it's best to just move to a more progressive area. But it's not always an option — especially for teens and high schoolers.

"But I still had all these notions I'd been taught while growing up. It's easy to put aside those prejudices and acknowledge that that's all they are — but still, there's this lingering default feeling that sticks around. You can't just put that aside."

"When you're a social minority, it's so important to make contact with communities to avoid feeling isolated," he says. "That can't be stressed enough."

What can we do?

The solution is both easy and extremely challenging at the same time. For a social issue to change, the overall mindset needs a makeover. It's a tall order.

"The best thing is to identify the source of the stigma. I tell my patients to think: 'Who, or what, was it that made me feel this way for the first time?'" Weissman says. "Then go from there. If it's a certain group that you're still associated with, leave; if it's an organization, get out of it."

The Internet has definitely helped, he adds. It's easier to build communities online — an especially helpful tool for anyone who feels geographically constricted.

"If we want to end internalized homophobia, we need to first end homophobia," she says. "It's as simple as that."

The experts are right: if your church or family are the problem and refuse to accept you and modern knowledge, put distance between them and yourself.   I have friends who are plagued with internalized homophobia and they refuse to stop attending toxic, anti-gay churches which continue to reinforce the internalized sense of shame and self-loathing.  They worry about family acceptance too.  Candidly, as a parent myself, any decent parent who truly loves their child will accept a gay child.  If they won't then it's time to move on.  The problem is theirs, not yours. One of the best things I did was to leave the poisonous Catholic Church.  One of the other positives was getting involved in LGBT organizations where I was able to make many friends and learn that we are kind, good and decent people contrary to what the hate merchants preach.  Remaining isolated can literally be deadly.

Australian Actor Harry Cook Comes Out

It seems that more and more celebrities and sports figures are coming out.  Olympic diver Tom Daley, obviously is one who comes to mind.  But there have been many more this year.  Towleroad has a compilation here of some of the more notable people who have taken the plunge and begun living honestly during 2013.  A new addition to this group who came out today is Australian actor Harry Cook who posted a poignant video on YouTube (see the clip above) as his way of making his announcement.  In the clip, Cook talks about the fear he experienced in deciding to be honest.  He also talks about the huge relief he felt once he took the plunge.

I continue to be contacted frequently by those who are either still in the closet as well as those who have recently come out.  Yes, coming out is a terrifying experience, especially if one has married and had children with a straight spouse.  But the stress of playing a role and trying to be what you are not  - often wracked with self-hate in the process - is so debilitating and, at least in my own case, made me someone who was not  always the best person to be around and certainly not the husband and father I wanted to be. I truly would never want to go back in the closet and relive the torment that it involved.  I wish the best of luck and happiness to Cook and the others who have come out this year.

For those unfamiliar with who Harry Cook is, Towleroad has these details:

Australian actor Harry Cook came out of the closet in a video posted to his YouTube account yesterday.

Said Cook: "Life's too short to be anything but yourself. So, on that note...I'm gay."

Cook said he was worried about coming out because he's an actor:

"I thought about it for a really long time and really stewed over it. I was like 'Oh my God, this could ruin my career.' All this crap… and then it kind-of hit me that that’s so ridiculous...The title of my job is 'actor'. It's fake. It's pretend. I'm not me. I know how to play straight - I did it all through high school."

Cook is best known for co-starring with Geena Davis in the 2009 coming of age dramedy Accidents Happen. He has also performed at The Corpus Playroom in Cambridge UK at the International Playwright Competition as the lead in the play "Russets" which went on to win the competition.

The Terrible Destructive Power of Religion

One local Baptist church regularly runs ads on the radio station I listen to in the morning for traffic report updates.  To listen to these ads, if one just merely accepts Jesus all of life's problems will go away and one will be showered with certainty in life.  Never mind that this ultra conservative church has strong anti-gay attitudes with a strong dose of racism if one actually knows more about the church and its agenda.  Likewise, never mind that a lobotomy would give one a similar blank minded existence.  The ads make me want to scream because for gays, it is the form of religion peddled by such churches is the source of much of our mental and emotional torment and third class status as citizens.  Indeed, for many gays religion isn't the solution but the very heart of the problem.  Especially when virulently anti-gay Christofascists seek to infuse their hate and fear based form of religion into public policy.  Personally, it took years of therapy for me to get over the psychological damage done to me being raised as a Roman Catholic.  An op-ed in The Advocate looks at how one gay man - who tried to be "cured" much as I had done - found peace and self-acceptance by leaving religion and embracing  those who loved him.  Here are some excerpts:

Sometimes a person can descend so low into his or her own misery that returning to the world is impossible without the help of another person. Sinking deeper and deeper into self-loathing as an adolescent, I thought that person would be Jesus.

I was a gregarious child, but I lost my self-confidence around the age of 11. Shortly after joining a fundamentalist, nondenominational Christian church at the encouragement of friends, I realized I was gay. The evangelical community I converted into made it clear that embracing my same-sex attractions was not an option, but they presented a way out: I could pray the gay away.

I launched a private campaign to cure myself of my sexual orientation. I prayed and fasted obsessively, spending my middle school lunch periods in an empty classroom with an empty stomach, a teen study Bible plastered with bumper stickers, a Discman to play Christian worship music, and a journal for reflecting on my efforts.

This self-imposed isolation went on for years, but my attractions remained. Growing more and more frustrated that I was perpetually hiding this struggle and not seeing any hope of change, I became despondent. I kept praying and fasting, waiting to wake up straight, but I was at the end of my rope.

In a moment of deep despair, I toyed with ending my life. Late one night, I took a knife into the bathroom, turned on the fan, and bolted the door shut. I walked into the shower and sat down, sliding the glass door shut behind me. The house was silent, except for the drip of the faucet and the sound of air rapidly entering and exiting my nostrils.

I couldn’t work up the nerve to end my own life, yet I wasn’t really living. I stumbled through life like a zombie, totally disconnected from what was going on around me, fixated on changing something I could not, seeking solace in the Bible, in prayer, in worshipping a God I was sure was disgusted by me. I could find no relief. Surrounding myself with people who saw me as the perfect Christian, I felt trapped within my own lie of a life — one I could not bring myself to end, but one I could not go on living.

[My mother] was something of a stickler when it came to how we kept our rooms, and she knew I was hiding my clutter in the back of my closet as I always did. While digging out my mess, she found the notebook in which I’d been detailing my agony and read some of its contents.

Soon after, she picked me up from an event. I got into the car, and she said, “We need to talk.” Those words could only mean one thing: I was in big trouble. My heart leapt into the back of my throat. I was sure that it was the moment I’d feared more than anything. I started to mentally catalogue everything I had loved about my family. This is it, I thought to myself, you’re on your own now.

I felt the light touch of my mother’s hand on my back.  “I love you, and nothing will ever change that,” she said, and I couldn’t stop shaking.

The next day, she took me to meet with a Christian minister who told me that God loves all people, queer and straight, and that I didn’t need to change. This moment changed my life forever, and set me on the course toward the work that I do now as an atheist-interfaith activist. My experiences of feeling isolated and misunderstood inform my conviction that it is imperative to work for a world where people of all sexual orientations, and all different faiths and beliefs, understand one another better — a society where all people can live openly and be who they are without fear.

[M]y mother had saved me, loving me when I did not love myself. Her love was a gift, given at the moment I needed it most — and I intend to pass it on.

The author's struggle against deeply instilled religious based self hate is not unique and countless LGBT individuals continue this struggle even as I type this post.  And for what purpose?  So that pompous, self-centered, self congratulatory preachers and clergy can shake down the masses for money and so that their weak minded followers can feel superior to others?  It is a travesty, yet given the undeserved deference given to religion this poisonous and deadly phenomenon continues to destroy lives. 

Like the author, I was lucky and both of my late parents accepted me unconditionally when I came out (it's why I established a scholarship to help financially needy LGBT teens in their honor), but far too many LGBT individuals are not so lucky.  Hence the disproportionate number of LGBT yoth among the homeless in our cities.

Unlike the author, I did try to end my own life.  Twice.  First through a massive dose of Xanax - I lost consciousness as my former partner got me to the ER - and later via a fifth of vodka and a running vehicle in a closed garage.  In the later attempt, the police, alerted by the boyfriend, showed up before I completed the act.  Other LGBT individuals succeed where I failed all to often.  What drove me to it in both instances was the hate and viciousness against gays fanned by the "godly Christian" folk that pervades many members of the judiciary and far too many members of society who seemingly can only feel good about themselves when making life for others a living Hell.  Science tells us that being gay is normal and unchangeable for a certain percentage of us.  Yet the self-designated godly folk prefer to cling to the writings of ignorant Bronze Age herders so that they can look down on others.  Religion in this form is a pervasive evil and it needs to die.

Life Magazine’s “Homosexuality In America”: 1964.

Over the weekend I was talking to a straight friend of the boyfriend's who asked me if I ever knew that I was gay when I was growing up. I answered "yes and no." Yes, part of my knew the truth, but it was something I simply could not consider acceptable. It was something just too horrible to be true. The consequences were just to terrible. You see, I was 12 years old in 1964 and just at the point of realizing that while many of my male friends were becoming attracted to girls I was feeling attraction to some of my male friends. Being raised in conservative Central New York in a fairly traditional Catholic family, I already pretty much knew that same sex attraction was NOT something that one wanted to be experiencing. And then comes along Life Magazine's lengthy feature story on "Homosexuality in America." Yes, my family subscribed to Life Magazine and I recall seeing the story to my absolute horror. If I had inclinations to stay in the closet and deny who and what I was, this article certainly underscored the need to do so. The message to me and I suspect many other young gays of that era was that we could never, ever, admit to our feelings and that I/we needed to do everything possible to not be one of these people so maligned in the article. Box Turtle Bulletin looks at the piece as does Ronslog.com where the full article can be found. Here are some excerpts from the Life piece which along with Catholic Church brainwashing helped drive me deep into the closet for 37 years:

“Homosexuality shears across the spectrum of American life — the professions, the arts, business and labor. It always has. But today, especially in big cities, homosexuals are discarding their furtive ways and openly admitting, even flaunting, their deviation. Homosexuals have their won drinking places, their special assignation streets, even their own organizations. And for every obvious homosexual, there are probably nine nearly impossible to detect. This social disorder, which society tries to suppress, has forced itself into the public eye because it does present a problem — and parents especially are concerned. The myth and misconception with which homosexuality has so long been clothed must be cleared away, not to condone it but to cope with it.”

Over the next fourteen pages, Life magazine explored what they called the “sordid world” of the gay community. 

 Homosexuals everywhere fear arrest -- and the public exposure that may go with it. In Los Angeles, where homosexuals are particularly apparent on city streets, police drives are regular and relentless. The running battle between police and homosexuals has produced bitter feeling on both sides. Leaders of homophile societies in Los Angeles and San Francisco have accused the police of "harassment, entrapment and brutality" toward homosexuals.

Civil Service regulations – which govern 93 per cent of federal employees – state that a person is unsuitable for government employ if he is guilty of “criminal, infamous, dishonest, immoral or notoriously disgraceful conduct.” The Civil Service Commission maintains that homosexuals can be a disruptive influence in a government agency, that a homosexual in a position of influence is likely to bring other homosexuals into government service, and that where security is necessary they are a greater risk than heterosexual co-workers. When the commission has evidence than an employe or prospective employe is a homosexual, he is denied a job – or fired – for “immoral conduct.”

A Catholic viewpoint, which does not condone homosexuality but does regard it as a psychological problem, has been provided in a book, Counselling the Catholic, written for U.S. parish priests by Father George Hagmaier, C.S.P. and Father Robert Gleason, S.I. The book makes the point that in order to “bring one’s activity into accord with objective morality, one needs knowledge and one needs freedom. A defect in either will ordinarily imply some lessening of responsibility.” The authors conclude that, because they are subjected to this psychological disturbance, homosexuals do not have this freedom.

[I]in Florida early this year the Legislative Investigation Committee’s consideration of homosexuality produced an inflammatory report, calling for tougher laws to support the conclusion that “the problem today is one of control, and that established procedures and stern penalties will serve both as encouragement to law enforcement officials and as a deterrent to the homosexual [who is] hungry for youth.” Its recommendations would make psychiatric examination of offenders mandatory and create a control file on homosexuals which would be available to public employment agencies throughout the state. The report, which included an opening-page picture of two men kissing and photographs of nude men and boys, was so irresponsible that it brought attacks from the Dade County state’s attorney and the Miami Herald, which described it as an “official obscenity.”

You get the drift: why would any youth want to be gay when this is what a national magazine that came into your home every week had to say about gays?  It goes without saying that the years in the closet were damaging for me emotionally and psychologically.   They were no less unkind to those I loved and kept behind a glass wall so that they would never learn my horrible truth.  Finally, it got to the point where I had to either try to face reality or end my own life )something I came close to doing twice).

Dan Savage on GOProud and the Hate Merchants of the Far Right

I've often equated being a gay Republican to being something akin to being Jewish and belonging to the Nazi Party or being black and seeking to be a part of the KKK.  Why would anyone in their right mind want to engage in such self-defeating masochism?   And the truth is the GOP is NOT going to "change from within" as the puppets at GOProud like to pretend.  Only sustained electoral defeats are going to force a rejection of the GOP's anti-gay agenda (ditto in respect to its racist agenda).  As a former GOP activist, I can assure you that all of the rational people who might listen to reason left the GOP years ago leaving only the crazies and those who are driven by love of their money more than anything else.  Dan Savage has a great piece that looks at the bizarre dysfunctions of those in GOProud.  He also attacks the far right which demonize gays and then point to the fruits of their foul handiwork as proof that gays are inferior.  Not surprisingly, the GOProud crowd isn't happy since Dan's remarks hit all too close to home.  Here are some highlights:

 Gay people abuse drugs, alcohol, and tobacco at higher rates than straight people do. We also commit suicide at higher rates. The haters on the religious right argue that these higher rates of self-harming behaviors are proof that the gay "lifestyle" is inherently dangerous and unhealthy.  

The haters have it backwards. It's not that self-hatred in many gay people causes personally-destructive behavior. It's that the external hatred all gay people have to endure—discrimination, oppression, bigotry, and rejection by family members poisoned by "faith"—can lead to substance abuse, punishing sexual excess, and suicide. Being gay doesn't damage us. It's the way we are treated for being gay that leaves many of us damaged. Johann Hari said it best:

Being subjected to bullying and violence as children and teenagers makes gay people unusually vulnerable to depression and despair. The homophobes then use that depression and despair to claim that homosexuality is inherently a miserable state—and we shouldn’t do anything that might “encourage" it. They create misery, and then use it as a pretext to create even more misery.

[H]ere's something I've noticed about the self-hating, self-destructing gay guys I've known: it wasn't good enough for them to destroy only themselves. They had to destroy other gay men too. Using meth wasn't enough—they wanted their friends to use meth too. Abusing alcohol wasn't enough—they insisted that their friends match them drink-for-drink. And spinning out of control sexually wasn't enough—they wanted their friends to join them down at the bathhouse. 

Which kindasorta brings me to my recent dustup with GOProud. The hard-right gay Republican organization—a rightwing front group that exists to pinkwash the GOP—endorsed Mitt Romney last week. Romney, of course, opposes marriage equality. Romney supports DOMA. Romney has pledged to write anti-gay bigotry into the U.S. Constitution. Romney opposed the repeal of DADT. Romney opposes the federal Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA). Romney opposes adoptions by same-sex couples. GOProud's endorsement of Romney, while not a surprise, was annoying, and it prompted me to send out this tweet: "The GOP's house faggots grab their ankles, right on cue. Pathetic." The boys at GOProud accused me of using a hate term and claimed that I had bullied them. For the record, boys, this is what the bullying of an adult looks like. Politically-active adults taking the piss out of each other—and you guys have called me all sorts of lovely names—isn't bullying.

Anyway, mixing it up with GOProud last week got me thinking about why a gay man would endorse—much less "commit significant resources" to help elect—a man who has pledged, if elected, to do as much harm as he possibly can to gay people. I mean, what kind of faggot supports a politician who would do him harm?

Oh, right: the same kind of faggot who would harm himself with drugs or alcohol or sex. The kind of gay men who don't like themselves or other gay people much. But while most self-loathing, self-destructive gay men are content to abuse booze, drugs, or dick, the self-hating GOProud boys abuse themselves with politics. And  .   .  .  .   They want to harm other gay people—they want to harm all gay people—by getting Mitt Romney elected. And just like your meth-addicted friend who pushed the drug on you, or your drunk friend who mocked you for stopping at four, or your sexually out-of-control friend who insisted that you were a prude if you didn't play the come dump with him down at the bathhouse, the GOProud boys want you to abuse yourself the same way that they're abusing themselves.  .   .   .   .  Because they're damaged.

Yes, the boys at GOProud are none to happy with Dan Savage, but I'd say his analysis is dead on.  Sometimes the truth hurts, but it doesn't make it any less the truth.  The GOProud ought to save their contributions to the GOP and instead get some good therapy so that they can finally escape their internalized homophobia.  A good description of internalized homophobia can be found here.

Is Homophobia Actually Self-Phobia?

I've often noted that the extreme homophobia displayed by some of the leading anti-gay Christianists - and I'd include GOP presidential want to be Rick Santorum in this group - suggests to me that these individuals doth protest too much. Now, a new study from the University of Rochester tends to support the premise that the loudest homophobes hysteria really comes from their own deeply repressed homoerotic feelings. These findings are in line with past findings that homophobic men were most aroused by watching gay porn. As I suggested to Robert Knight years ago, perhaps he simply needs to hire a hot gay escort and face reality. Needless to say, he wasn't amused. But seriously, Knight, Tony Perkins, Matt Barber, Peter Sprigg, Bryan Fischer, and a number of others need to focus on their own screwed up psyches rather than attacking others who are merely living their lives as these men apparently only fantasize about. First some highlights from USA Today on the study:

A new study suggests intense hostility toward homosexuals may be linked to a repressed same-sex attraction, combined with an authoritarian upbringing.

Though such factors are not the only cause of homophobia, the findings suggest those "who have a discrepancy within themselves about their expressed vs. unconscious sexual attraction find gay and lesbian people more threatening and are more likely to express prejudice and discrimination toward them," says University of Rochester psychology professor Richard Ryan, co-author of the study, which is published in the April Journalof Personality and Social Psychology. Also an author is Netta Weinstein of the University of Essex, England.

The blocking of unconscious desires by adopting an opposite view is a well-known psychoanalytic concept, suggested by Freud and others. The new study uses "modern methods that allow us to more reliably peer into these less explicitly available parts of peoples' psyches and see what's arising," Ryan says.

The findings suggest participants with accepting parents were more in touch with their innate sexual orientation. But, Ryan says, "if you come from a controlling home where your parents do have negative attitudes toward gays and lesbians, you're even more likely to suppress same-sex attraction and more likely to have this discrepancy that leads to having homophobia and feeling threatened."

Ryan says the study may help explain the personal dynamics behind some bullying and hate crimes directed at gays and sheds light on high-profile cases in which public figures who have expressed anti-gay views have been caught engaging in same-sex sexual acts. "Some people who are threatened by gays and lesbians and are most vociferous in their opposition to them are suffering internally themselves," he says.

More details on the study findings are available at Newswise.com. Here are a few more details:

Homophobia is more pronounced in individuals with an unacknowledged attraction to the same sex and who grew up with authoritarian parents who forbade such desires, a series of psychology studies demonstrates.

The study is the first to document the role that both parenting and sexual orientation play in the formation of intense and visceral fear of homosexuals, including self-reported homophobic attitudes, discriminatory bias, implicit hostility towards gays, and endorsement of anti-gay policies.

“Individuals who identify as straight but in psychological tests show a strong attraction to the same sex may be threatened by gays and lesbians because homosexuals remind them of similar tendencies within themselves,” explains Netta Weinstein, a lecturer at the University of Essex and the study’s lead author.

“In many cases these are people who are at war with themselves and they are turning this internal conflict outward,” adds co-author Richard Ryan, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester who helped direct the research.

People in denial about their sexual orientation may lash out because gay targets threaten and bring this internal conflict to the forefront, the authors write.

“In a predominately heterosexual society, ‘know thyself’ can be a challenge for many gay individuals. But in controlling and homophobic homes, embracing a minority sexual orientation can be terrifying,” explains Weinstein. These individuals risk losing the love and approval of their parents if they admit to same sex attractions, so many people deny or repress that part of themselves, she said.

In addition, participants who reported themselves to be more heterosexual than their performance on the reaction time task indicated were most likely to react with hostility to gay others, the studies showed. That incongruence between implicit and explicit measures of sexual orientation predicted a variety of homophobic behaviors, . . . .

Bottom line, the next time you hear a professional Christian engaged in a homophobic rant, we all will know what is likely really going on. I just wished they would focus their self-hate on themselves and leave the rest of us alone.

The Tortured and Dysfunctional Lives of Professional "Ex-Gays"

Have you ever noticed that virtually all of the prominent "ex-gays for pay" have a common theme in their pasts? It seems that nearly every one, whether male of female, has a history that includes alcoholism, drug use, prostitution, molestation, screwed up family backgrounds, or all of the foregoing. And rather than take real responsibility for the bad life choices they made, they without exception want to blame their tortured pasts on being gay. In fact, in my view, the biggest problem driving all of the poor choice behavior these "ex-gays" exhibit is the psychological damage they experienced from their religious upbringings. I've often maintained that raising and LGBT child in a far right religious household is a form of child abuse and most "ex-gays" - many of whom have no careers except playing ex-gay for pay - seem to be very damaged individuals as a result of their religious inner self-hate and self-loathing. To listen to these "ex-gays," no one who is LGBT can lead a normal productive life like everyone else in society. Truth be told, most of us do and given their train wreck like past lives, "ex-gays" would seem to be the last people to advise others on any issue. Jeremy Hooper looks at the bizarre lives of the "ex-gays for pay" in a post at Good As You:

n a recent interview with Christian radio host Janet Parshall, professional "ex-gay" Stephen Bennett did that thing the professional "former homosexuals" always do: He linked a whole host of horrible life experiences and choices to his sexuality, as if unrelated feathers are undetachable parts of the gay bird . . .

It's so telling. Virtually to a person, these career "ex-gays" have backgrounds (or supposed backgrounds) of prolonged drug abuse, alcoholism, family strife, molestation, vicious shunning, obsessions with club life, bulimia, and any number of things with which most people truly would need to deal, if they wanted to advance. These "former gays" then link those other elements directly to their sexual orientations, as if it's all in the same bucket. Alan Chambers does it. Charlene Cothran did it. Melissa Fryrear does it. Janet Boynes does it. We never see an "ex-gay" paycheck-earner who just happened to be LGBT with the everyday, up and down life experiences that are most common among the LGBT population. They are always presented as having been addicted, abused, trapped, entrenched, damaged, broken, stuck in horrible relationships, sex-crazed, lacking ambition, immoral (or at best amoral), and generally hurting -- part of a "lifestyle" rather than a life.

I actually think it does more damage to their cause than they realize. Most modern Americans now know an LGBT person or two. Many more see LGBT people in pop culture. A growing number even realize that the negative cultural elements that do greet some LGBT people are largely the byproducts of decades of forced differentiation and stigma, not innate "brokenness."

More and more people know that Stephen Bennett, despite his pretense of firsthand insight, doesn't speak for the LGBT experience, writ large: He speaks for Stephen Bennett, or at least the professionally-crafted version thereof. Oh, and of course he speaks against the entire field of credible science. So there's that, too.

The Trials of Growing Up Gay in Red America

I first got the idea for this blog back in 2007 after reading the coming out saga of a blogger on Debriefing the Boys. The author of that blog is much younger and my therapist thought a similar story by someone coming out in mid-life after marriage and children might fill a need niche. And many of the early posts on this blog looked at the good, the bad and the ugly phases I went through along my journey, including a suicide attempt (for the record, I had engaged in an earlier attempt before I started the blog). My experience demonstrated the difficulty with accepting one's sexual orientation growing up in a conservative religious atmosphere in a conservative area. Sadly, many LGBT youth continue to be faced with these trials, especially if they have the misfortune to be growing up in backward, reactionary parts of the country. A story in OutSports.com about a 17 year old gay high school athlete struck a note with me. Many of the feelings related in the story - especially the initial inability to accept one's sexual orientation - rang true even though we are at a place in history more than 40 years after I was a similar age in high school. Here are highlights from the story:

My name is Jeremy. I’m 17 and a junior in high school. I’m a good student, a driven guy with ambitions, a football player, a track runner, and I’m gay. Saying the latter has always been a challenge, and up until recently I couldn’t accept it; thankfully that’s changed.

I’m not publicly out for several reasons. I live in one of the most rural, conservative spots in the country, where homophobia runs rampant. I also happen to be the son of a prominent Southern Baptist preacher.

My environment is not the most tolerant. I constantly hear crude jokes and comments defiling gay people from my teammates. Where I live, people judge first and listen only if they have to. If everyone knew they had a gay teammate, it would not be a joyous occasion for me, as I have been recently discovering.

I suppose I knew at an early age I was into guys. Grade school brought up those feelings of being “different,” but they didn’t solidify until middle school. . . . . I absolutely refused to make anything of it – I couldn’t be gay, I wouldn’t accept it. In high school, I started to date girls and fought everything in me that screamed, “You know Jeremy, this isn’t what you want.” As I matured and I reached my junior year, the feelings only deepened. It got to the point where I broke down in my room and cried. I couldn’t get away from being gay. I went through so many internal fights and I found myself hating who I am. I felt that if I even gave one ounce of indication I might be gay, my entire school, family and team would disown me.

As I began to accept myself, I came across several blogs on the Internet of other gay high school athletes. It finally hit me that I wasn’t alone and that really helped. . . . . After being inspired, I started my own blog, “Standing Up Speaking Now,” in December to rant about the happenings of my life.

To say that my life has changed since I started the blog would be an understatement. So much has happened to me that I feel like a new person. It first started with unending desire to come out to someone. I was on the verge of going insane, simply because I couldn’t be “me” around my best friends. I first came out to a couple of my best female friends; their support was universal and it went amazingly well.

Life wouldn’t be a ride if you didn’t get the bad with the good, and coming out is obviously no exception. I’ve had a couple of, let’s say, “interesting” moments.

I don’t want to relay a lot of what’s happened, for personal reasons. It’s not been pretty and the worst things I’d rather not be published. One could say that I’m literally the talk of my high school. Since I’ve not publicly come out, it’s one of those “everyone thinks they know” concepts. Half of my class has shunned me, and won’t talk to me. While most of my teammates don’t believe it, several do, and have tried to get me kicked off of the football team. I’ve received a lot of nasty comments and texts.

I’m a strong person. I can handle comments and everything from people. I’m holding my head high, going forward, and trying not to let it bother me. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been affected a little, though. I’ve literally had so many “friends” just bail on me, and I know I couldn’t expect a lot from where I live – they’ve grown up in it – but it still hurts. I’m not even out, and the rumor has caused this.

Life has been interesting for me, and I know sharing my story creates a lot of risks for me. If I was publicly out, it would likely go horribly wrong, but the support I’ve gotten will carry me through whatever trials I’ll face. Yes, I’m an athlete. Yes, I’m gay. Yes, I probably kicked your ass on the field. And, yeah, I’m standing up for who I am.

Having "friends" bail is something I know all about. Only a handful of my "friends" from my married days even acknowledge me. Surprisingly, some I never viewed as friends have come through and stood by me. I hope Jeremy continues to stay strong and shut out the hate and bigotry that are so prevalent in the red states. I hope he also feels the rush of finally coming to terms with who he is. To say that it is liberating is an understatement.

Quote of the Day - Andrew Sullivan on "Ex-Gays"

Personally, I view self-described "ex-gays" as just slightly less foul that full blown anti-gay Christianists. Why one might ask? Because they are selling other gays out to extremists rather than face their own very f*cked up psychological issues which typically stem from religious based brain washing that results in volumes of self-hate. Yes, I spent years in the closet trying to be straight but I never once sought to inflict my own religion based demons on anyone else much less make a living aiding and abetting hate merchants of the Christianist right. In a post today, Andrew Sullivan had a spot on comment on whether "ex-gays" exist:

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The vast majority of "ex-gays," in my view, are not ex-gay in any internal sense; except if their inability to accept their true nature is so overwhelming that they'd rather live as tortured heteros than marginalized homos. They can do it, of course, and it should emphatically be their choice. But in many cases, it will come at enormous personal and human cost.
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If one wants to delude them self into pretending they are "ex-gay" that's their prerogative. However, the moment they try to disseminate the "ex-gay" liar for use by Christianists (and worse yet in exchange for a pay check), they become fair game for exposure as frauds and hypocrites.

Over the Cliff: Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages

I regularly receive e-mails from men who are walking the path that I once did: coming to terms with the fact that I was gay and having to tell my straight spouse and children. Other than losing a loved one, it is without a doubt the hardest thing that I've ever had to do and it's not an overnight process. Indeed, it's not a process that cannot be completed in even one or two years in my view. Rather it can take years to make the transition and find real self-acceptance and happiness. What makes it even harder is the fact that while the gay spouse is moving towards a new life, the straight spouse is left with only a sense of what's been lost and often extreme anger and bitterness. Too often, in my view, straight spouses fail to see that they are just as much victims of a homophobic society as their gay spouse who did everything to try to be straight and to deny who they really were. Every Christianist who promotes the "ex-gay" myth - like Michele and Marcus Bachmann - continues to damage lives of both gay and straight spouses. Worse yet, they show no remorse for the harm that they do. One big difficulty facing the gay spouse is finding guidance on the coming out journey. I bought what books I could find, but they were few and far between - at least for those coming out in mid-life. Now, Doug Dittmer (who has made the journey himself and has compared notes if you will with me) and Bonnie Kay have co-authored a book that endeavors to give some guidance to both the gay spouse and the straight spouse. Here are some highlights from their website:
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Millions of gay men throughout the world find themselves in marriages to women because they didn’t understand their homosexuality when they got married. Most of them took their sacred vows with honorable intentions because it was the “right thing” to do according to religious, family, and societal pressures. They hoped in their hearts that loving their wives and children would make those nagging attractions to men fade and eventually go away. As hard as they try to be “straight” by living a “straight life,” in time it just doesn’t happen. No amount of therapy, counseling, or love for a family can change a man’s sexuality. Sadly, many of these gay men spend years of their lives feeling confused, guilty, trapped, and unfulfilled.
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For those men who are living a double life, the prolonged staying in a marriage can last for years because they just don’t know how to leave. They have real fears that keep them stuck in the quicksand feeling paralyzed to make a move. Some of these fears include: What will the repercussions be? How can I walk away from my family? What about hurting my wife? How will my children look at me if they know I am gay? Will they hate me? These are all difficult questions that need meaningful answers.
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Over the Cliff - Gay Men in Straight Marriages addresses these issues through interviews with 16 men who faced making this decision. Their stories will definitely validate everything you are feeling and fearing. In addition, the book offers advice from internationally recognized straight/gay marriage counselor Bonnie Kaye as well as her gay male peer counselor, Doug Dittmer, who also helps both men and women in their pursuit for understanding how to move past the pain of these marriages.
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This book is also a valuable read for straight wives to explain why their husbands married them and to help them understand why their marriages failed. Through the stories of the gay husbands, women will understand that they are in no way responsible for their husband’s homosexuality or the deterioration of the marriage.
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You can find the book at Amazon.com

Cher Tweets Her Thoughts on Marcus Bachmann

If you've listened to Michele Bachmann's husband talk about the evils of homosexuality, his voice alone screams out that the guy's a huge closet case. It's almost impossible to sound any more nellie than Bachmann. Cher tweeted her thoughts on this vile pack of sh*t. She's right on the mark!! H/T to Towleroad.

The Twisted Mindset of "Ex-Gays"

An article in the New York Times Magazine looks at what I view as the bizarre renunciation of homosexuality by Michael Glatze (pictured with his former partner) who now professes to be "straight." I believe that individuals have the right to be who they want to be even if that means deluding themselves - so long as it doesn't harm others. Glatze once was openly gay and once worked at XY, a San Francisco-based national magazine for young gay men. Then, after a health scare he walked away from his former life, embraced evangelical Christianity and is a frequent anti-gay gadfly at far right anti-gay publications such as World New Daily, a/k/a Wing Nut Daily on this blog.
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Having spent 37 years strenuously working to convince myself that I wasn't really gay, I know full well how once can engage in all kinds of mental games and tricks aimed at continuing the self-delusion that you are not who you secretly know in your heart that you are. During my decades of trying to will and pray myself straight, I also experienced the cult like aspects of religion which can be used as a tool - a drug almost - to try to further support the denial that one is striving for. Some of the article about Glatze sounds like the self-delusion I inflicted on myself. Also, from the great deal of reading I've done on the subject, I well aware that no credible mental health experts believe that one can change your sexual orientation.
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Honestly, it's the religious brainwashing that's false as opposed to being gay and accepting it and being honest about it - especially to one's self. Thus, my questions to Glatze are (1) how long will it be before the religiously induced and supported self-denial crashes and burns, (2) how empty will you feel when that fall eventually comes, and (3) how much harm will you have cause to others in the LGBT community by allowing yourself to be used as a tool by the modern day Pharisees of the Christian Right? Candidly, I feel sorry for Glatze - or I would but for the damage he is willfully doing to others. Here are some brief highlights from the article:
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Michael was fast becoming the leading voice for gay youth until the day, in July 2007, when he announced that he was no longer gay. “Homosexuality came easy to me, because I was already weak,” he wrote in the opening line of an article for the far-right Web site, WorldNetDaily.com. He went on to renounce his work at XY and Y.G.A. “Homosexuality, delivered to young minds, is by its very nature pornographic,” he claimed. In a second WorldNetDaily article a week later, he said that he was “repulsed to think about homosexuality” and that he was “going to do what I can to fight it.”
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Though I don’t doubt that sexual attraction can evolve, I was skeptical of Michael’s claim of heterosexuality — and I rejected his argument that “homosexuality prevents us from finding our true self within.” Besides, I had a hard time believing that Michael’s “true self” was a fundamentalist Christian who writes derogatorily about being gay. But whatever aspirations I had about persuading Michael to join the ranks of ex-ex-gays, they were no match for his eagerness to save me.
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“God loves you more than any dude will ever love you,” he told me at the cafe. “Don’t put your faith in some man, some flesh. That’s what we do when we’re stuck in the gay identity, when we’re stuck in that cave. We go from guy to guy, looking for someone to love us and make us feel O.K., but God is so much better than all the other masters out there.”
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Michael, who is 36, now often refers to gay life as a kind of cave — or cage. In an open letter to Ricky Martin, published on WorldNetDaily after Martin came out, he wrote, “Homosexuality is a cage in which you are trapped in an endless cycle of constantly wanting more — sexually — that you can never actually receive, constantly full of emptiness, trying to justify your twisted actions by politics and ‘feel good’ language.”
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Michael didn’t begin to question his life path, he told me, until a health scare in 2004 that led to what he calls his “spiritual awakening.” That year, when Michael was 29, he experienced a series of heart palpitations and became convinced that he suffered from the same congenital heart defect that killed his father when Michael was 13. (Michael lost both his parents young; his mother died of breast cancer when he was 19.)
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After tests eventually ruled out his father’s illness, Michael felt that he had escaped death and found himself staring “into the face of God.” In a published interview with Joseph Nicolosi, a leader in the controversial field of reparative therapy, which seeks to help people overcome unwanted homosexual attractions, Michael said that he became “born again” in that moment and that “every concept that my mind had ever entertained — my whole existence — was completely re-evaluated.”
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Michael told me that he has no same-sex sexual desires today, a claim that I found hard to believe. Many ex-gays admit to struggling with same-sex attraction years after they’ve rejected a gay identity, and a handful of high-profile leaders in the movement have been humbled by public slips or “relapses,” a word borrowed from the language of addiction recovery. (Many ex-gays see same-sex attractions as a kind of addiction, one with no “cure” but with the possibility of freedom with God’s help.)
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Ben went on. “To me, Michael is a victim of this insane society we live in, where we grow up with all these conflicting messages and pressures around sexuality and religion, and where we divide into these camps where we’re always right and the other side is always wrong. Some people are susceptible to buying into that, and I think Michael is one of them.”
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For an ex-gay intent on staying that way, there are few safer places in the world than a Bible school in Wyoming. The country’s least-populous state — where Matthew Shepard was murdered and left to die on a rural fence post, and where two fictional cowboys fell in love on Brokeback Mountain but never allowed themselves a life together — is also a state without a gay bar. My old friend, it seems, has picked the perfect place to go straight.