The Trials of Growing Up Gay in Red America

I first got the idea for this blog back in 2007 after reading the coming out saga of a blogger on Debriefing the Boys. The author of that blog is much younger and my therapist thought a similar story by someone coming out in mid-life after marriage and children might fill a need niche. And many of the early posts on this blog looked at the good, the bad and the ugly phases I went through along my journey, including a suicide attempt (for the record, I had engaged in an earlier attempt before I started the blog). My experience demonstrated the difficulty with accepting one's sexual orientation growing up in a conservative religious atmosphere in a conservative area. Sadly, many LGBT youth continue to be faced with these trials, especially if they have the misfortune to be growing up in backward, reactionary parts of the country. A story in OutSports.com about a 17 year old gay high school athlete struck a note with me. Many of the feelings related in the story - especially the initial inability to accept one's sexual orientation - rang true even though we are at a place in history more than 40 years after I was a similar age in high school. Here are highlights from the story:

My name is Jeremy. I’m 17 and a junior in high school. I’m a good student, a driven guy with ambitions, a football player, a track runner, and I’m gay. Saying the latter has always been a challenge, and up until recently I couldn’t accept it; thankfully that’s changed.

I’m not publicly out for several reasons. I live in one of the most rural, conservative spots in the country, where homophobia runs rampant. I also happen to be the son of a prominent Southern Baptist preacher.

My environment is not the most tolerant. I constantly hear crude jokes and comments defiling gay people from my teammates. Where I live, people judge first and listen only if they have to. If everyone knew they had a gay teammate, it would not be a joyous occasion for me, as I have been recently discovering.

I suppose I knew at an early age I was into guys. Grade school brought up those feelings of being “different,” but they didn’t solidify until middle school. . . . . I absolutely refused to make anything of it – I couldn’t be gay, I wouldn’t accept it. In high school, I started to date girls and fought everything in me that screamed, “You know Jeremy, this isn’t what you want.” As I matured and I reached my junior year, the feelings only deepened. It got to the point where I broke down in my room and cried. I couldn’t get away from being gay. I went through so many internal fights and I found myself hating who I am. I felt that if I even gave one ounce of indication I might be gay, my entire school, family and team would disown me.

As I began to accept myself, I came across several blogs on the Internet of other gay high school athletes. It finally hit me that I wasn’t alone and that really helped. . . . . After being inspired, I started my own blog, “Standing Up Speaking Now,” in December to rant about the happenings of my life.

To say that my life has changed since I started the blog would be an understatement. So much has happened to me that I feel like a new person. It first started with unending desire to come out to someone. I was on the verge of going insane, simply because I couldn’t be “me” around my best friends. I first came out to a couple of my best female friends; their support was universal and it went amazingly well.

Life wouldn’t be a ride if you didn’t get the bad with the good, and coming out is obviously no exception. I’ve had a couple of, let’s say, “interesting” moments.

I don’t want to relay a lot of what’s happened, for personal reasons. It’s not been pretty and the worst things I’d rather not be published. One could say that I’m literally the talk of my high school. Since I’ve not publicly come out, it’s one of those “everyone thinks they know” concepts. Half of my class has shunned me, and won’t talk to me. While most of my teammates don’t believe it, several do, and have tried to get me kicked off of the football team. I’ve received a lot of nasty comments and texts.

I’m a strong person. I can handle comments and everything from people. I’m holding my head high, going forward, and trying not to let it bother me. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been affected a little, though. I’ve literally had so many “friends” just bail on me, and I know I couldn’t expect a lot from where I live – they’ve grown up in it – but it still hurts. I’m not even out, and the rumor has caused this.

Life has been interesting for me, and I know sharing my story creates a lot of risks for me. If I was publicly out, it would likely go horribly wrong, but the support I’ve gotten will carry me through whatever trials I’ll face. Yes, I’m an athlete. Yes, I’m gay. Yes, I probably kicked your ass on the field. And, yeah, I’m standing up for who I am.

Having "friends" bail is something I know all about. Only a handful of my "friends" from my married days even acknowledge me. Surprisingly, some I never viewed as friends have come through and stood by me. I hope Jeremy continues to stay strong and shut out the hate and bigotry that are so prevalent in the red states. I hope he also feels the rush of finally coming to terms with who he is. To say that it is liberating is an understatement.