Revisiting the Past - High School Reunion

Onondaga Central High School.

For those who have read posts from the early period of this blog, high school and growing up in the closet was not an easy journey for me - like so many other LGBT youths.  My high school, Onondaga Central High School, pictured above, was small, rural (about 10 miles south of Syracuse, New York) and everyone knew everyone - for good and for bad.  There were few secrets.  At the time, there were roughly 750 students in grades 7-12 and there was nowhere from a smart, extremely shy and semi-nerdy kid who did not get the team sports gene to hide. I finally found a niche in cross country and earned a varsity letter and graduated with a New York State Regents diploma and a Regent's scholarship.  

This week I am back for a high school reunion - the husband has been a good sport so far even though he knows no one - and we went to the informal gathering last evening with the formal reunion dinner tonight.  Things went smoothly and one thing I wish my young self had known was that in the long run, high school social drama does not matter, especially if one goes on to college and leaves the area.  You will have many opportunities to re-create yourself.  Just be patient. That said, your high school years do nonetheless shape who you are and the positive friendships are things that can be treasured.

Being back in the Syracuse area for the first time in 20 years has been interesting as well.  Since there is not much hotel wise close to my school, we are staying a few blocks from Syracuse University ("SU") at the Skyler Hotel (part of the Hilton conglomerate) housed in a former Jewish temple. The place is remarkable and it is so nice to see a historic building saved and reincarnated.  After touring part of the main SU campus, we went to the Armory District which is full of shops - we found a great clothing store - and eateries.  A number of gay and gay friendly clubs/establishments are close at hand as well.  Overall, despite what one hears about "rust belt" cities, Syracuse looks good and very livable if one can handle the snowy winters. 

Today, we plan on first visiting a downtown street fair, then visiting apple orchards still owned by families my family knew years ago: McLusky Orchards and Beak & Skiff Orchards.  The latter has grown exponentially and has hard  cider - last night we had some of its 1911 blend named for the year the orchard was founded - and a distillery.  This afternoon, there will be a tour of the greatly renovated high school school, and the formal reunion dinner on the shores of Otisco Lake, the smallest of the Finger Lakes.  Making it all better is a great day weather wise.

'Cutest Couple' High School Story Goes Viral

Folks like Tony Perkins, Bryan Fischer and the bitches at One Million Moms must have their panties in a serious knot over the positive acceptance a story about two boys - a gay couple - who were voted "cutest couple" by their high school class are receiving.  It's a sweet story and gives me a sense of hope that things are in fact getting better despite the efforts of the Christofascists and scary candidates like Ken Cuccinelli, E.W. Jackson and Mark Obenshain here in Virginia.  Huffington Post looks at the story.  Here are excerpts:

When 18-year-old Chelsea posted a photo of her classmates Brad Taylor And Dylan Meehan to her Tumblr blog this week, she did not anticipate the incredible response it would receive -- within 24 hours, the entry had been shared almost 100,000 times.

The image was taken from her high school yearbook, and she included this caption:
"Two of my best friends won Cutest Couple of our senior class. First time in my school history a same sex couple has even been able to run for this category, not to mention winning it. So proud of them, and my school."

No one was more surprised, however, than the couple themselves. In an email to The Huffington Post, Taylor and Meehan shared their reaction to the image -- and relationship -- being shared around the world.

This whole thing has been a bit surreal for us because we have been raised to believe that love is love. We never realized that our happiness and openness would inspire so many individuals. The support we have received from our family, friends, and even strangers has led us to believe that our affection for each other is normal ... When we started dating a year [ago], the thought of a photo of us traveling throughout the world would be a bit frightening, but now we are proud to be part of the LGBT community.

The Trials of Growing Up Gay in Red America

I first got the idea for this blog back in 2007 after reading the coming out saga of a blogger on Debriefing the Boys. The author of that blog is much younger and my therapist thought a similar story by someone coming out in mid-life after marriage and children might fill a need niche. And many of the early posts on this blog looked at the good, the bad and the ugly phases I went through along my journey, including a suicide attempt (for the record, I had engaged in an earlier attempt before I started the blog). My experience demonstrated the difficulty with accepting one's sexual orientation growing up in a conservative religious atmosphere in a conservative area. Sadly, many LGBT youth continue to be faced with these trials, especially if they have the misfortune to be growing up in backward, reactionary parts of the country. A story in OutSports.com about a 17 year old gay high school athlete struck a note with me. Many of the feelings related in the story - especially the initial inability to accept one's sexual orientation - rang true even though we are at a place in history more than 40 years after I was a similar age in high school. Here are highlights from the story:

My name is Jeremy. I’m 17 and a junior in high school. I’m a good student, a driven guy with ambitions, a football player, a track runner, and I’m gay. Saying the latter has always been a challenge, and up until recently I couldn’t accept it; thankfully that’s changed.

I’m not publicly out for several reasons. I live in one of the most rural, conservative spots in the country, where homophobia runs rampant. I also happen to be the son of a prominent Southern Baptist preacher.

My environment is not the most tolerant. I constantly hear crude jokes and comments defiling gay people from my teammates. Where I live, people judge first and listen only if they have to. If everyone knew they had a gay teammate, it would not be a joyous occasion for me, as I have been recently discovering.

I suppose I knew at an early age I was into guys. Grade school brought up those feelings of being “different,” but they didn’t solidify until middle school. . . . . I absolutely refused to make anything of it – I couldn’t be gay, I wouldn’t accept it. In high school, I started to date girls and fought everything in me that screamed, “You know Jeremy, this isn’t what you want.” As I matured and I reached my junior year, the feelings only deepened. It got to the point where I broke down in my room and cried. I couldn’t get away from being gay. I went through so many internal fights and I found myself hating who I am. I felt that if I even gave one ounce of indication I might be gay, my entire school, family and team would disown me.

As I began to accept myself, I came across several blogs on the Internet of other gay high school athletes. It finally hit me that I wasn’t alone and that really helped. . . . . After being inspired, I started my own blog, “Standing Up Speaking Now,” in December to rant about the happenings of my life.

To say that my life has changed since I started the blog would be an understatement. So much has happened to me that I feel like a new person. It first started with unending desire to come out to someone. I was on the verge of going insane, simply because I couldn’t be “me” around my best friends. I first came out to a couple of my best female friends; their support was universal and it went amazingly well.

Life wouldn’t be a ride if you didn’t get the bad with the good, and coming out is obviously no exception. I’ve had a couple of, let’s say, “interesting” moments.

I don’t want to relay a lot of what’s happened, for personal reasons. It’s not been pretty and the worst things I’d rather not be published. One could say that I’m literally the talk of my high school. Since I’ve not publicly come out, it’s one of those “everyone thinks they know” concepts. Half of my class has shunned me, and won’t talk to me. While most of my teammates don’t believe it, several do, and have tried to get me kicked off of the football team. I’ve received a lot of nasty comments and texts.

I’m a strong person. I can handle comments and everything from people. I’m holding my head high, going forward, and trying not to let it bother me. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been affected a little, though. I’ve literally had so many “friends” just bail on me, and I know I couldn’t expect a lot from where I live – they’ve grown up in it – but it still hurts. I’m not even out, and the rumor has caused this.

Life has been interesting for me, and I know sharing my story creates a lot of risks for me. If I was publicly out, it would likely go horribly wrong, but the support I’ve gotten will carry me through whatever trials I’ll face. Yes, I’m an athlete. Yes, I’m gay. Yes, I probably kicked your ass on the field. And, yeah, I’m standing up for who I am.

Having "friends" bail is something I know all about. Only a handful of my "friends" from my married days even acknowledge me. Surprisingly, some I never viewed as friends have come through and stood by me. I hope Jeremy continues to stay strong and shut out the hate and bigotry that are so prevalent in the red states. I hope he also feels the rush of finally coming to terms with who he is. To say that it is liberating is an understatement.

Applications Being Taken for the Hamar/HRBOR Scholarship

Earlier this year I established The George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar/HRBOR Scholarship in honor of my late parents (pictured at right on their wedding day) - who accepted and supported me when I came out without reservation - and Hampton Roads Business OutReach ("HRBOR") which I helped found and which has made a significant positive impact on my life as an "out" professional. Applications forms for the scholarship available to graduating LGBT high school students from Hampton Roads - which is being administered by the Hampton Roads Community Foundation - are now available online here. Applications must be received by March 1, 2012.

Students applying for the scholarship will need to complete a personal statement concerning the experience as an LGBT student in high school and must be willing to be publicly identified with the scholarship should they be selected as the recipient. I sincerely hope that local readers who know students who might qualify will spread the word about the scholarship.

With so many of our LGBT youth still not finding family acceptance, it is my great hope that this scholarship fund will grow to support more students in need of financial assistance while pursuing their college education. For those who have already made donations, I want to sincerely say "thank you." Anyone desiring to make a tax deductible donation to grow the fund can do so in several different ways:

How to donate by check. To contribute to the Hamar/HRBOR Scholarship, you can make your check payable to the Hampton Roads Community Foundation, and mail it to 101 W. Main Street, Suite 4500, Norfolk, VA 23510. Please indicate that your gift is for the Hamar/HRBOR Scholarship.

How to donate online. If you prefer to make a gift online using a credit card, please go to https://secure.acceptiva.com/?cst=a9fc33 and click on the Donate Now button at the top of the home page. Complete the online giving form and check the box under additional information that says, “Named Fund.” Check there and fill in Hamar/HRBOR Scholarship under “Name of Fund.” The Foundation accepts online gifts using Visa or MasterCard.

Victim of Bullying Has the Last Laugh - And a Video Message from Lady Gaga

As noted in past posts, junior high school and much of high school were not good periods in my life and I suffered my share of taunts of "fag," "pansy"and other derogatory names since I wasn't the butch, macho type. Add to that the fact that I was regarded as being one of the smartest kids in my class, so I had the nerd image to further enhanced my misery. Summers at the family lake house were a totally different matter, but did little to get me through the school year. Then came snow skiing that made a big difference later in high school. I excelled and was better than many of the high school jocks - even some of the sports stars would go skiing with me. My point is that I know that one can be bullied and yet ultimately have the last laugh. A case in point is Jacques St. Pierre, a 17 year old student at the Etobicoke School of the Arts in Toronto, Canada. St. Pierre under went bullying but decided to fight back and organized a school assembly with an anti-bullying theme. He also sought out celebrities to back up the assembly's message. Lady Gaga was one of those asked and did a video for St. Pierre. Here are highlights from the Vancouver Sun followed by the video:

The Fame Monster herself is putting her popularity to good use — Lady Gaga recently acknowledged a Toronto student’s tremendous endeavour to raise awareness and put an end to bullying.

Jacques St. Pierre, 17, was motivated to make a change after being bullied himself growing up. As the student council president of the Etobicoke School of the Arts, he organized a school assembly with an anti-bullying theme.

“I got called the gay kid, the fag, because I liked to be in the school plays,” St. Pierre told CBC. “I lost my best friend because he joined in with the bullies. It’s not fun, I’ve been there, I’ve been bullied. Before that, I didn’t know bullying could affect people so severely.”

Gathering pledges from fellow students and contacting an array of celebrities for their support, St. Pierre was overjoyed and emotional after he received Gaga’s heartfelt video voicing her unconditional support for his actions.

“I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for being such a strong advocate of the LGBT community in your school. There should be more little monsters like you,” Gaga said. “It is important that we push the boundaries of love and acceptance. It is important that we spread tolerance and equality for all students.”

St Pierre said Gaga’s high profile will help spread a positive message. “Young or old, people know who Lady Gaga is, because she’s such as character and she does so much to stand up against bullying in any way she can. And someone as inspiring as her, taking 20 minutes out of her day to write down a speech, sit in front of a Teleprompter, get all made up and read it to us directly at our school. It’s fantastic,” he told CBC.

Bleckley County High Prom Goes Smoothly

After all the bizarre and heartless things that took place in the Itawamba County school district in Mississippi to block a same sex couple from attending a high school prom, it is nice to be able to report that Bleckley County, Georgia was a study in contrasts in comparison. The Prom itself went smoothly and both school officials and most students seem to not had their heads up their ass about the matter. Derrick Martin and his date, Richard Goodman (pictured at right) made a cute couple and I am glad that the Prom turned out well for them. Sadly, Derrick Martin's parents showed far less class that the supportive parents of Constance McMillen. They threw their son out of their home because of the publicity. Were these horrid parents worried about their son or their own sensibilities. As a parent, I cannot fathom such behavior towards one's child. I hope Derrick puts it behind him in time. Here are some highlights from the Macon Telegraph:
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Bleckley County High School senior Derrick Martin made history Saturday when he arrived at his high school prom on the arm of another boy. He was the first in his hometown of Cochran — and perhaps in Georgia — to ask permission to take a same sex partner to prom and have his school allow it.
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About 7:45 p.m., couples started to arrive at the high school in a line of stretch limos, a bus, a John Deere tractor and even carriage and buggy, and afterward walked through a crowd of parents and friends who snapped photos.

When Martin, 18, and his boyfriend Richard Goodman, also 18, stepped onto a makeshift “red carpet” and their names were announced, a few parents whispered but many in the crowd gave him a loud cheer. No one yelled out in protest. “I wonder if they realize what they’ve done,” said Arturro Beeche, a San Francisco professor who flew into Georgia on Friday and drove Martin and Goodman to the prom. “Once it happens in small-town America, it will inspire so many,” he said. Security was tight with at least 15 officers stationed at the high school, and no one could enter the parking lot without a ticket.
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The move had been met with some conflict, such as talk of a separate prom. A few weeks back, a small group of students held an opposition rally in front of the town courthouse to protest. Martin’s parents also kicked him out of his home after the publicity. But a rally in support of Martin was also held in a Macon park and supporters have donated more than $5,000 for college this fall.

An Amazing Teacher - Joy Newcom

In the course of surfing the Internet and checking my Google search agent results I came across a blog post by a straight teacher that I found amazingly moving and most relevant in light of the recent anti-gay behavior of some public high schools and/or parents of gay teens. Would that there were many, many more teachers who could grasp the lesson Joy Newcom seems to have taken to heart. Admittedly, I was also moved because the story told by Marc Wheeler (pictured at left) is in many ways similar to my own (and probably many more in the LGBT community) Except that, in my case, it took me another two decades to accept who I was and to try to come to terms with the fact that I'd been born gay for some unknowable reason. Marc accepted that truth in college. In her post, Joy demonstrates a wonderful level of empathy and an ability to see Marc as another human being and an equal child of God. Why more people - especially those who claim to be Christian - cannot learn the lesson she espouses is troubling. Thankfully, time and the younger generation do seem to be on the side of what is right and good in terms of gay acceptance. Joy Newcom and Marc Wheeler are exceptional individuals and I encourage readers to read Joy's full post. Marc also needs to be credited with proving that living out and openly can impact others in a tremendously positive way. Here are some highlights from Joy's remarkable post:

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This blog is not like others I've done. I'm basically sharing my homework with you, because I feel the topic of my assignment is worth sharing. My task was to interview someone who is gay, asking him or her to describe any difficulties that occurred while growing up, attending school, and coming out to family and friends. . . . when it came time to choose [an interview subject], Marc Wheeler, now a working actor living in West Hollywood, Calif., it seemed the full-circle choice. This homegrown Iowan was the first openly gay student I ever taught. I realized I didn't know much about what life was like for him during the years he was a student in my classroom. It was time to learn.

We talked for two hours one night, and I learned a lot that will help me as I teach others who happened to be born gay. I have always respected Marc for his willingness to openly share who he is with the world. I hope you do too.
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Marc Wheeler is likely not the first gay student I have ever taught; however, he is the first student I taught who openly identified himself as gay. In fact, I am fairly confident that I taught students born with a same-sex orientation before Marc came along in 1997 – whether any of us knew it at the time or not.
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By the time Marc, a 4.0 GPA student, was ready to attend college in the late 90s, his identity as a man who happened to be gay was something he was ready to define and accept. However, his parents were unaware of his sexual orientation and related identity struggles. . . . The admission was something he had feared happening in elementary and middle school, for at that young age, Marc believed identifying himself as homosexual would mean – according to what he had learned from his experiences in churches (i.e., Pentecostal, United Methodist, Baptist, Lutheran) – that he would “burn in hell.”
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Because I have always known Marc as a male who happens to be gay, I was not aware – until this paper – of the intensely personal identity struggles he navigated, particularly in relation to his father. I was aware that his father was having a hard time reconciling Marc’s sexual orientation; however, I wasn’t aware of how long it took and how isolated Marc felt during that time. The ability to have conversations with family members about important topics is a valuable part of belonging to a family unit. As I teach, I will now be more aware of the personal pain and toll that is exacted on students who are not only far from home, but also emotionally isolated from people who define key relationships in their lives. Children depend on primary relationships to help them form their identities. I hope to become even more sensitive to the difficulties that face young men and women who come to an awareness of their same-sex gender orientation without the full support of their parents or siblings.
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What I will remember most about this conversation with Marc, however, are the stories about other children calling him “faggot” or “gay” beginning in elementary. . . . Marc helped me understand the extreme difficulty present in those moments. Teachers might be insensitive to the harm that occurs from name calling, and it takes great courage for the victim of the slur to make the offense known. As Marc explained, sharing news of the incident is practically an admission of its truth at a time when the student might not yet be ready to bear the consequences. “When children identify someone as gay,” said Marc, “they may well be right, but it is so difficult to admit, because you are not yet ready to accept all that goes with it.” I want to be a teacher that any student would be comfortable coming to.
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To help, I will continue to support GSA events and create a classroom environment that upholds all students as valued members of society, while including lessons that highlight the harm of discriminatory language and actions. Thank you, Marc, for being my teacher.
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Thank you Joy for your insights and reflections. And thank you Marc for your courage and strength.

Georgia Prom - Good News and Bad News

First, the good news. A number of news outlets and blogs, including Towelroad, have reported on the enlighten approach adopted by the Bleckley County, Georgia, School District that has agreed to allow Derrick Martin (pictured at left), a gay senior, to bring his same sex date to the school district's senior prom. The school district's response is 180 degrees from that involving the Mississippi school district that cancelled its prom rather than allow a lesbian to bring her same sex date. Here are highlights:
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"After asking Bleckley County school officials permission in January to take another boy to the prom, [Derrick] Martin got word last week that his high school will allow it. Bleckley’s prom is April 17 in the high school cafeteria. “I didn’t expect them to say yes. It’s who I am. I have the same rights,” he said. “It’s my senior prom and I wanted to be able to prove not everyone would cancel prom.” Martin is an honor student who tutors at-risk elementary and middle school students after school. He also has a full scholarship to college. He said he knew the move would be controversial for the town of about 5,200 residents. At his high school, prom dates from outside counties must be approved in advance, so Martin went to his principal and asked. “At first she said no, Cochran wasn’t ready for it,” he said. But then last week, school officials said they have no policy in place against it."
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Now for the bad news. Martin's have thrown him out of his home because he is gay and because of the media coverage. What kind of f*cked up parent would do such a thing? I have three children and I simply cannot grasp how a parent could treat a child this way. No doubt, I suspect that these unloving douce bags parents see themselves as Godly Christians. The Macon, Georgia newspaper has these highlights on this utterly messed up situation:

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But because of the media attention, Martin’s parents have kicked him out and the teen is staying with a friend, he said. Martin said he pushed to take his boyfriend to the dance after hearing about a girl in Mississippi who asked to take her girlfriend to the prom. Her school eventually canceled the dance rather than allow them to attend together. “Maybe (other gay students) will think if Bleckley County will let them, maybe my school will,” Martin said.
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School Superintendent Charlotte Pipkin said the move is a first for Bleckley County. “I’m not aware of it having happened in the past,” she said. School officials have said they have no plans to cancel or change plans for the prom.
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On the positive side, various LGBT donors have stepped up and offered to make Derrick's prom memorable despite the sick parental behavior that has to have hurt him. Here are highlights on some of the offers:
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[A]n Atlanta filmmaker said he hopes to document the story. “I sent flowers to his high school,” said Randi Reitan, a resident of Eden Prairie, Minn., who sent a bouquet of yellow flowers with a rainbow-colored balloon to Bleckley County High on Tuesday to show her support. “We have a gay son. I wish he could’ve danced with a young man at his prom,” Reitan said. She also has offered to buy Martin and his date, who is from Tift County, boutonnieres to wear on prom night.
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Drew Dowdell from Pittsburgh is setting up a link on his Web site for people to leave donations for Martin to help buy the 18-year-old a limo ride to the prom.
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My heart goes out to Derrick and I will pray that his parents wake up to the evil that they are doing by treating their son in this manner. Obviously, if it is purported Christian belief that motivates them, they are a strong argument for why one would perhaps rather be an atheist rather than a Christian.

What's Wrong With Being Gay?

A column in the San Francisco Chronicle that looks at the Christian Right's jihad against Kevin Jennings, the assistant deputy secretary of education, who heads the Office of Safe and Drug Free Schools, raises a good question. Namely, what's wrong with being gay? The answer is nothing at all unless one subscribes to ignorance and bigotry based on few passages from an ancient,often historically inaccurate, much edited and modified writing known as the Bible. Same sex attraction has been documented to exist in virtually hundreds of animal species and increasingly has been shown to be an innate as opposed to learned phenomenon in humans. You either are gay or you are not - it does NOT changes despite the claims of snake oil merchant like preachers, many of whom are out to make a quick buck off of the fears of others. Hence, there is nothing to "promote" despite the claims of the theocrats. Moreover, the fact that religious based ignorance and bigotry is allowed to attempt to influence science and public policy in a nation that claims to guarantee religious freedom to ALL is a travesty - and evidence that much of America's promise to its citizens continues to be a fraud. Here are some highlights:

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Let's suppose, for a moment, that conservative critics are correct: Gay educators want to "promote homosexuality" in American schools. So what? That's the real question behind the recent attacks on Kevin Jennings, the assistant deputy secretary of education, who heads the Office of Safe and Drug Free Schools. Fifty-three House Republicans signed a letter Oct. 15 calling on President Obama to fire Jennings, who founded the Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network (GLSEN) in 1990. According to its critics, GLSEN spreads "the gay agenda" - that is, it tries to make more people gay.

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By denying the charge that they're promoting homosexuality, gay activists implicitly endorse the idea that there would be something wrong if they were promoting it. . . . But none of this should matter, he quickly added. One day, Jennings said, "most straight people, when they would hear that someone was promoting homosexuality, would say, 'Yeah, who cares?' because they wouldn't necessarily equate homosexuality with something bad that you would not want to promote."

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So the real question isn't whether Jennings and other educators want to promote homosexuality. It's about being gay, and whether there's anything wrong with that. And on that question, Americans remain deeply divided. So I have a proposition: Let's have a full and free airing of the question in America's high schools.

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I believe that increasingly such discussions are happening in the nations' high schools and that in many cases, the students decide that there is nothing wrong with being gay - something that scares the daylights out of the Christianists who subconsciously know that they are losing the "culture wars." Meanwhile, I have to wonder about the mental issues that make Christianist strive to make others live their lives in misery and self-hate merely because we do not subscribe to their intolerant religious beliefs. These folks say that its the gays who are sick, but in reality it is they themselves who are sick spiritually and in some cases mentally (e.g., think Randall Terry and Peter LaBarbera).

Owning One's Gay Identity

It is often said that being gay is only one aspect of who any of us are, which is true. However, it is a very significant part of each of us since it impacts who we are attracted to both emotionally and physically. In short, who we fall in love with. Trying to pretend otherwise, or worse yet, trying to deny that one is gay and desperately attempting to be straight results in all kinds of issues, including self-hate and possibly self-destructive behavior be it drug use, excess alcohol, or unsafe sex. I certainly am familiar with the attendant self-hate that goes with being in the closet and the thoughts of death as the only solution since I found I was unable to change no matter what I did. Fortunately, the younger generation of gays are coming out and declaring who they are at a much earlier age and, hopefully, they will not experience much of the emotional and psychological damages many of us older gays lived through. Because of this, I believe everything possible needs to be done to support this new generation be it in terms of GSA's or anti-bullying laws. Coming out is still a hard thing to do and far to much of the world and society remain hostile. Today's Washington Post has a story on one brave teenager who has come out before age 15 and who refuses to hide his true self. Here are some highlights:

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School's out, and Saro Harvey and his best friend, Samantha Sachs, are hanging out in his Arlington County bedroom. . . . The 15-year-olds were voted most popular last spring in their section of ninth grade at Wakefield High School. Still, Saro knows there are those on and off campus who don't like him, who never will.

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Saro, who first said he liked boys to a classmate in sixth grade, is like many of today's lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youths who openly discuss their sexual orientation and identity with friends, and sometimes family, before entering high school. In doing so, experts say, these youths are escaping the isolation of generations before them but also finding themselves vulnerable to harassment -- or worse.

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"Within any given school system, there may be a very accepting crowd and a very hateful crowd," said Robert-Jay Green, executive director of the Rockway Institute in San Francisco, a national center for LGBT research and public policy. "You have to find a way to avoid the people who will hurt you and keep close to the group that will accept you."

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While children are coming out younger, studies show that they are doing so in schools where staff members have received little training in the area, where their fellow students use such language as "That's so gay" every day to express dislike, and where anti-bullying policies often don't exist or don't specifically protect students on the basis of sexual orientation.

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A generation ago, the typical coming-out story for a young person involved a college student and distraught parents, said Lindy Garnette, executive director of Metro DC Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Now, she said, the more likely scenario involves a minor living at home, and the questions from parents have evolved from panicky to pragmatic.

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"I worry about him all the time," she [Saro's mother] added. "All the time." Her immediate fear: Will someone hurt him? Her long-term concerns: Will he find someone who loves him for him? And if he does, will he have the same rights as everyone else?

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Doris Jackson, the principal of Wakefield, said the school does not tolerate bullying for any reason. "To me, it's more than having a policy and enforcing it. It's establishing an environment of tolerance of everyone," she said, adding that the school even provides a separate restroom for a transgender student so the person is not forced to use the girl's room or boy's room.