Showing posts with label living in the closet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living in the closet. Show all posts

Saturday, July 27, 2019

Revisiting the Past - High School Reunion

Onondaga Central High School.
For those who have read posts from the early period of this blog, high school and growing up in the closet was not an easy journey for me - like so many other LGBT youths.  My high school, Onondaga Central High School, pictured above, was small, rural (about 10 miles south of Syracuse, New York) and everyone knew everyone - for good and for bad.  There were few secrets.  At the time, there were roughly 750 students in grades 7-12 and there was nowhere from a smart, extremely shy and semi-nerdy kid who did not get the team sports gene to hide. I finally found a niche in cross country and earned a varsity letter and graduated with a New York State Regents diploma and a Regent's scholarship.  

This week I am back for a high school reunion - the husband has been a good sport so far even though he knows no one - and we went to the informal gathering last evening with the formal reunion dinner tonight.  Things went smoothly and one thing I wish my young self had known was that in the long run, high school social drama does not matter, especially if one goes on to college and leaves the area.  You will have many opportunities to re-create yourself.  Just be patient. That said, your high school years do nonetheless shape who you are and the positive friendships are things that can be treasured.

Being back in the Syracuse area for the first time in 20 years has been interesting as well.  Since there is not much hotel wise close to my school, we are staying a few blocks from Syracuse University ("SU") at the Skyler Hotel (part of the Hilton conglomerate) housed in a former Jewish temple. The place is remarkable and it is so nice to see a historic building saved and reincarnated.  After touring part of the main SU campus, we went to the Armory District which is full of shops - we found a great clothing store - and eateries.  A number of gay and gay friendly clubs/establishments are close at hand as well.  Overall, despite what one hears about "rust belt" cities, Syracuse looks good and very livable if one can handle the snowy winters. 

Today, we plan on first visiting a downtown street fair, then visiting apple orchards still owned by families my family knew years ago: McLusky Orchards and Beak & Skiff Orchards.  The latter has grown exponentially and has hard  cider - last night we had some of its 1911 blend named for the year the orchard was founded - and a distillery.  This afternoon, there will be a tour of the greatly renovated high school school, and the formal reunion dinner on the shores of Otisco Lake, the smallest of the Finger Lakes.  Making it all better is a great day weather wise.

Saturday, March 02, 2019

Is the Closet Behind Hollywood Sex Abuse Allegations?

The Roman Catholic Church continues to be shaken by sex abuse allegations fueled, in my view, by the Church's warped 12th century dogma on human sexuality and the forced celibacy of the priesthood which together have psychologically disturbed clergy and a significant portion of the priesthood being comprised of emotionally tormented closeted gays. It was and continues to be a recipe for disastrous consequences, not that the corrupt leadership at the Vatican will ever willing admit the error of their dogma.  Travel from the Vatican to Hollywood and one sees gays still being told to stay in the closet if they hope to have successful careers.  Go back decades in the past and the situation was even worse as the studio system demanded fake marriages and contrived dating situations.  Actor Ian McKellen states that he believes the Hollywood closet has played a role in the sex abuse allegations against Kevin Spacey and Bryan Singer. If true, it certainly is no excuse, but it should focus attention on the pervasive damage done living in the closet.  Here are excerpts from Vanity Fair:
Ian McKellen has a controversial theory regarding why both Kevin Spacey and Bryan Singer allegedly sexually abused several under-aged men.  At a live recording of the podcast #QueerAF, journalist Evan Davis asked the actor what he made of allegations of sexual misconduct against performers with whom he’d collaborated in the past—including Spacey and Singer. His response?
 “[T]he couple of names you mentioned, of people I’ve worked with, most of them were in the closet—hence all their problems as people, and their relationship with other people. If they had been able to be open about themselves and their desires, they wouldn’t have started abusing people in the way they’re being accused.” McKellen has worked with Singer on several films, including the X-Men franchise—most recently, X-Men: Days of Future Past—and 1998’s Apt Pupil. The actor also worked with Spacey during Spacey’s time as the artistic director of the Old Vic theater, where 20 allegations would eventually surface from a confidential tip line to describe Spacey’s alleged inappropriate behavior. Spacey denied some of the allegations against him as they emerged before, eventually issuing an apology to Anthony Rapp, who accused Spacey in the fall of 2017 of making a sexual advance toward Rapp when Rapp was 14. When allegations of sexual abuse first emerged against Spacey in 2017, the actor initially responded by coming out publicly. “This story has encouraged me to address other things about my life,” Spacey said at the time. “I now choose to live as a gay man.” In response, GLAAD C.E.O. Sarah Kate Ellis tweeted, “Coming out stories should not be used to deflect from allegations of sexual assault. Singer, who has been accused of sexually abusing young men for years, has always vehemently denied all allegations against him; in January, when an exposé in The Atlantic detailed new allegations against him, Singer replied by calling the report a “homophobic smear piece.” In 2014, Singer was accused twice of sexual abuse; one case was dropped, and the other dismissed. In 2017, Singer was sued for allegedly raping a 17-year-old boy in 2003. The case is still pending. Despite that, he went on to executive produce the TV series Legion, and direct 2018’s Bohemian Rhapsody, before he was fired for allegedly being frequently absent from set, and for clashing with star Rami Malek.

The sooner society lets go of Bronze Age myths found in the Old Testament, the better off the world will be.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Longing for the Freedom Not to Hide Oneself


Over the weekend at the Equality Virginia Commonwealth Dinner at one point in the evening one of the speakers reminded the audience that for some in attendance from rural, backwater areas merely being able to walk into a large ball room full of LGBT individuals was an usual experience  given that in their home areas many such individuals must remain in hiding or be very circumspect in who they allow to know their "secret."  Living in the closet is exhausting not to mention soul killing.  Yet even for those of us who are "out" many occasions occur regularly where in a split second one must decide whether it is safe to be authentic or better to allow others to assume that you are part of the straight world.  A world where no one has to worry about hiding the gender of their spouse and who they really are in a most basic way.  A column in the Washington Post picks up on this theme as the LGBT community waits to learn if the United States Supreme Court will find a right to religious based bigotry and discrimination towards others or uphold long standing public accommodation laws.  Here are column excerpts:

Charlie Craig, one of the men that Masterpiece Cakeshop, a Colorado bakery, turned away because they are gay, said something about shopping for a wedding cake that stuck with me: “That day,” he said, “I really let my guard down.”
I knew exactly what Craig meant. Not just because he’s my client but because I keep my guard up most days, too — just like nearly every LGBT person I know.
Craig grew up in Wyoming and went to college in Laramie, the town where Matthew Shepard, a gay man, lived when he was killed. I grew up in a progressive New York City neighborhood. Those two places were worlds apart, yet Craig and I had something in common. I was 8 when I realized I was attracted to women. I didn’t have the vocabulary yet to name those feelings. What I did have was a sharp, painful sense that my feelings were wrong and had to be hidden.
I couldn’t have imagined that by 2015, the Supreme Court would rule that same-sex couples have the same freedom to marry as everyone else or that I’d be an LGBT rights lawyer. Those advances were simply unthinkable. But some things haven’t changed: While I’m out as a professional, in my day-to-day life it often remains possible — and feels safer — to stay hidden.
My spouse and I sometimes commute together. Do we kiss goodbye on a crowded subway car, risking a negative comment — or worse? Or do we wave goodbye as if we are just friends who happened to run into each other on the way?
Is it really necessary to correct all of these people, I wonder? If I don’t, what will my children think of my casually erasing our family? And each time I let faulty assumptions slide, am I making them more likely the next time?
These calculations — weighing the risk of censure or even violence against the personal and political costs of invisibility — happen in a split second. But they exact a toll — a mental burden that can’t be quantified.
The ability to stay out of sight can mean the ability to stay safe, and many in our community don’t have a choice about whether to be out. That’s partly why LGBT people, particularly transgender women of color, experience disproportionate rates of violence and murder. Juxtaposed against this gruesome reality, life in my Brooklyn enclave feels fortunate indeed.
We stay hidden because when we don’t — or can’t — we know there may be consequences, ranging from a disapproving look to being denied service, fired from a job, followed, harassed or even arrested.
Planning a wedding is one of those times we can’t hide who we are. Craig said that, before being turned away, it didn’t even occur to him to disclose that he and David Mullins were a same-sex couple.  This is part of what I think about as we wait for the Supreme Court to decide whether Masterpiece Cakeshop has a constitutional right to hang a sign in its storefront essentially saying, “Your kind not served here.”
Laws against discrimination can’t protect us from violence, but they can protect us from going about our daily lives in fear of being turned away from stores, banks and hotels simply because of who we are. I hope Craig will know that freedom.


I sincerely hope that the Court will uphold common sense public accommodation laws and not grant a special right to those who would use claimed religious belief to discriminate against and mistreat others. 

Monday, December 07, 2015

Science Triumphs Over Religion: Depathologizing Homosexuality

Being gay and of a generation that still recalls the era when homosexuality was classified as a form of mental illness and was classified as such in the American Psychiatric Association's (APA's) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) - which certainly played a strong role in my refusal to accept my sexual orientation for many years - I find the role that science played in depathologizing sexual orientation.  Jack Drescher, MD, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, New York Medical College
and Adjunct Professor, New York University, has a piece in Behavior Sciences Journal that looks at the original, principally Christian, religious basis for anti-gay and then tracks the scientific developments and research that ultimately brought an end to the treatment of homosexuality as a "disease" or "mental illness" outside of Christofascist circles.  Here are some article excepts:
Rigid gender beliefs usually flourish in fundamentalist, religious communities where any information or alternative explanations that might challenge implicit and explicit assumptions are unwelcome. When entering the realms of gender and sexuality, it is not unusual to encounter another form of binary thinking: “morality tales” about whether certain kinds of thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are “good or bad” or, in some cases, whether they are “good or evil” [14–16]. The good/bad binary is not confined to religion alone, as the language of morality is inevitably found, for example, in theories about the “causes” of homosexuality.

For much of Western history, official pronouncements on the meanings of same-sex behaviors were primarily the province of religions, many of which deemed homosexuality to be morally “bad” [36]. However, as 19th century Western culture shifted power from religious to secular authority, same-sex behaviors, like other “sins,” received increased scrutiny from the law, medicine, psychiatry, sexology, and human rights activism. Eventually, religious categories like demonic possession, drunkenness, and sodomy were transformed into the scientific categories of insanity, alcoholism, and homosexuality.

Thus, the modern history of homosexuality usually begins in the mid-19th century, most notably with the writings of Karl Heinrich Ulrichs [21]. Trained in law, theology, and history, he might be considered an early gay rights advocate who wrote a series of political tracts criticizing German laws criminalizing same sex relationships between men. He hypothesized that some men were born with a woman’s spirit trapped in their bodies and that these men constituted a third sex he named urnings. He also defined a woman who we would today call a lesbian as urningin, a man’s spirit trapped in the body of a woman.

Freud saw expressions of adult homosexual behavior as caused by “arrested” psychosexual development, a theory of immaturity. Toward the end of his life, Freud wrote “Homosexuality is assuredly no advantage, but it is nothing to be ashamed of, no vice, no degradation; it cannot be classified as an illness; we consider it to be a variation of the sexual function, produced by a certain arrest of sexual development” [39], (p. 423). This belief made him pessimistic about efforts to change a homosexual orientation to a heterosexual one: “In general, to undertake to convert a fully developed homosexual into a heterosexual does not offer much more prospect of success than the reverse, except that for good practical reasons the latter is never attempted”

As psychiatrists, physicians, and psychologists tried to “cure” homosexuality, sex researchers of the mid-20th century instead studied a wider spectrum of individuals that included non-patient populations. Psychiatrists and other clinicians drew conclusions from a skewed sample of patients seeking treatment for homosexuality or other difficulties and then wrote up their findings of this self-selected group as case reports. Some theories about homosexuality were based on studies of prison populations. Sexologists, on the other hand, did field studies in which they went out and recruited large numbers of non-patient subjects in the general population.

The most important research in this area was that of Alfred Kinsey and his collaborators, published in two headline-generating reports [22,23]. The Kinsey reports, surveying thousands of people who were not psychiatric patients, found homosexuality to be more common in the general population than was generally believed, although his now-famous “10%” statistic is today believed to be closer to 1%–4% [46]. This finding was sharply at odds with psychiatric claims of the time that homosexuality was extremely rare in the general population. Ford and Beach’s [47] study of diverse cultures and of animal behaviors, confirmed Kinsey’s view that homosexuality was more common than psychiatry maintained and that it was found regularly in nature. In the late 1950s, Evelyn Hooker [24], a psychologist, published a study Behav. Sci. 2015, 5 570 in which she compared psychological test results of 30 gay men with 30 heterosexual controls, none of whom were psychiatric patients. Her study found no more signs of psychological disturbances in the gay male group, a finding that refuted psychiatric beliefs of her time that all gay men had severe psychological disturbances.

[I]f homosexuality was no longer considered an illness, and if one did not literally accept biblical prohibitions against it, and if gay people are able and prepared to function as productive citizens, then what is wrong with being gay? Additionally, if there is nothing wrong with being gay, what moral and legal principles should the larger society endorse in helping gay people openly live their lives?

The result, in many countries, eventually led, among other things, to (1) the repeal of sodomy laws that criminalized homosexuality; (2) the enactment of laws protecting the human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people in society and the workplace; (3) the ability of LGBT personnel to serve openly in the military; (4) marriage equality and civil unions in an ever growing number of countries; (5) the facilitation of gay parents’ adoption rights; (6) the easing of gay spouses’ rights of inheritance; and (7) an ever increasing number of religious denominations that would allow openly gay people to serve as clergy. 

Most importantly, in medicine, psychiatry, and other mental health professions, removing the diagnosis from the DSM led to an important shift from asking questions about “what causes homosexuality?” and “how can we treat it?” to focusing instead on the health and mental health needs of LGBT patient populations.
Many young gays have no idea of the mental anguish I and others suffered in our teens and early twenties as we feared being labeled mentally ill.  Add to this the poison of religious brainwashing and it is little wonder that I remained closeted for years and contemplated suicide constantly.   I am thankful that science saved me from the hate, ignorance and bigotry of religion.