In Politics, Some Gays Are Their Own Worse Enemy

I grew up in a politically involved family where politics were discussed at the dinner table and sometimes quite vocally at family reunions and other extended family gatherings. Despite sometimes strenuous disagreements (one might think a fight was ensuing at times), my relatives fortunately stayed focus on the bigger picture and did not believe in circular firing squads in politics.  The same cannot be said for many in the LGBT community. Most idiotic, of course are the gay Republicans who increasingly suffer from a blindness that a 1930's German Jew would have had if they had joined and actively supported the Nazi Party. Only a fool - or someone with significant self-loathing - supports a party that opposes ones rights and embraces extreme elements that say gays are "worthy of death" as one Christofascists recently said about Pete Buttigieg.  

Next in line for the idiocy award are those in the LGBT community who oppose Pete Buttigieg because he is not "gay enough."  It's not his policy proposals that are the problem. No, Buttigieg's big sin is that he, like myself and so many others I know, stayed in the closet for years and blended in with the straight world rather than being flamboyant and marching in a pride parade in only a speedo.  Meanwhile, through his presidential campaign, Buttigieg is engaging in an amazing level of default gay rights activism and is changing many minds along the way.  A piece in the New Yorker looks at the idiocy, resentment and perhaps hidden jealousy - in my view - of those in the LGBT community who seemingly think they have the exclusive right to be the arbiters of and to define what it is to be gay.  

What most disturbs me is that what one might call the radical gays continue to miss the reality that without the rest of us gays - the ones who live in straight residential neighborhoods, have joined once exclusively straight social institutions and to an extent blended, if you will - have been a major reason gays rights have progressed so much over the last two decades.  They also forget that when one doesn't live in San Francisco, Chicago, New York or other ultra-liberal cities, being a radical revolutionary can be downright dangerous. Here are article excerpts that try to make excuses for those who once again prove to see themselves as superior and in the process are their own worse enemies, show that they cannot see the forest for the trees, and make the rest of us gays look ridiculous:

By now, you may have heard that some queer people think that Pete Buttigieg, the former mayor of South Bend, Indiana, and a current contender for the Democratic Presidential nomination, is not gay enough. Unless you are immersed in this conversation with other queer people, you may have thought, “That’s ridiculous.”

The notion that some of us think Buttigieg is not gay enough has an identifiable relationship to the facts, which are that, for the purposes of this discussion, people who grew up queer in this country fall into two distinct categories of experience. One is the experience of never fitting in, being bullied by classmates for the way you walk, the way you look in clothes, the way you hit or fail to hit—all the things that set you apart before you have language to describe them. . . . . Millions of people have had a version of that experience.

And then there is the other experience, the life of blending in, only to surprise your classmates—or, more likely, former classmates who follow you on social media—with the revelation that you are gay. I am not arguing that one category of experience is worse or more difficult or painful than the other. [But, of course, she is doing so]. There are people who revel in their specialness from an early age, and there are people who fit in but feel tormented by their deep secret. I am saying only that these two kinds of experience are very different. . . . . Recently, a friend mentioned that, after thirty years of teaching, she had mentioned her wife in class for the first time, surprising her students with the revelation that she was gay—and I found myself momentarily marvelling at having the option to come out to one’s students or not.

As part of his campaign, and in developing his political persona, Buttigieg has repeatedly told a compelling story about his coming out. His is the story of someone who blended in and was therefore able—or, one might say, forced—to choose the circumstances and timing of his coming out. He chose to wait a long time: until after he graduated from college, after he had served in the military, after he had been elected mayor. He has made it clear that he feared that, if he had come out sooner, his political career might have suffered.

He also waited until after attitudes toward homosexuality had changed and same-sex marriage had become legal in more than half the states and was recognized by the federal government—all thanks to the courage and work of people who came out before Buttigieg did. Then, in 2015, he had the chutzpah to write an op-ed titled “Why Coming Out Matters,” in which he praised himself for “putting something this personal on the pages of a newspaper.” Many a reader might have wondered, as I did when my friend mentioned her relationship with her students, what it must be like to have the option of not being exposed.

Again, I am not saying that L.G.B.T. people who don’t pass are somehow morally superior to L.G.B.T. people who do [But, of course, she is doing so]. But these two distinct experiences are in some ways correlated with two divergent tracks in L.G.B.T. politics. One kind of queer politics is rooted in ideas of liberation, revolutionary change, and solidarity. . . . . The strategy of this brand of politics is to work across differences to bring about change.

The other, more mainstream, and often more visible kind of L.G.B.T. politics aims to erase difference. Its message to straight people is “We are just like you, and all we want is the right to have what you have: marriage, children, a house with a picket fence, and the right to serve in the military.” The vision of this politics is a society in all respects indistinguishable from the one in which we live now, except queer people have successfully and permanently blended in. To be sure, all kinds of queer people have been involved in both kinds of queer politics. But the politics of being “just like you” leaves out the people who cannot or do not want to be just like conventional straight people, whether in appearance or in the way we construct our lives and families.

Buttigieg embodies the second kind of gay experience and the second kind of gay politics. In a beautiful essay published in the Los Angeles Review of Books, Greta LaFleur, a professor of American studies at Yale, analyzed a photograph of Buttigieg and his husband, Chasten, that appeared on the cover of Time magazine in May of last year. “This photo is about a lot of things,” LaFleur wrote. “But one of its defining features is its heterosexuality. It’s offering us the promise that our first gay first family might actually be a straight one.

Buttigieg is the ultimate candidate of the country’s post-2016 trauma. He is not a woman. He is not a socialist. He is decidedly not a revolutionary. He does not make big, sweeping promises, except one: that nothing much will change, only Donald Trump won’t be President. “What I like about Mayor Pete is that he is not a strong ideologue,” Tod Sedgwick, a [straight] volunteer who had gone to New Hampshire to canvass for Buttigieg, told me.

What makes Buttigieg an easy and reassuring choice for these older, white, straight people, and a disturbing possibility for the queer people who seem to be criticizing him for not being gay enough? It is that he is profoundly, essentially conservative. He is an old politician in a young man’s body, a straight politician in a gay man’s body.

In truth, Buttigieg is proposing big changes should he be elected and just by his success to date  in the primary contest has raised gay acceptance to a level most of us would not have believed possible not many years ago.  As for the gays who attack Buttigieg, whether they know it or not, they are attacking the rest of us gays who according to the radicals suffer from the cardinal sin of having blended and wanted some of the same rights as the straight community enjoys. Sadly, they are blind to the reality that they need us more than we need them. 

Christian Rock Star Trey Pearson Comes Out as Gay.

This blog began as a way for me to deal with my coming out process and, at the time, to compile material for a book as suggested by my therapist.  Along the way, I have shared my thoughts and feelings and given glimpses of my struggle growing up gay, yet denying it and striving to conform to what I thought my religion, society and my family expected.  It was an exhausting and soul killing experience that ground me down until I reached a point of either having to admit reality and come to terms with it or end my life (something I tried twice along the journey).  Today, many news outlets, both gay and religious, are reporting on the coming out of Trey Pearson (pictured at right), a Christian music star.  In reading the coverage, including the letter that Pearson released, I was struck by the common feelings and motivations that had pushed both he and I to strive to deny the truth about ourselves.  I want to share some of the coverage because it answers a question I am still often asked when people learn that I was once married to a woman and have children: when did you know you were gay and why did you get married?  Here are highlights from Religion News Service:

“I don’t mean to cry. It’s just been such a long time coming.”

Trey Pearson, 35, was overcome with emotion halfway into our first interview, and it is easy to understand why. For the past 15 years, he’s been the lead singer of the popular Christian rock band Everyday Sunday. But he decided to put his career on the line this week and acknowledge to his fans that he is gay.

“I finally decided to come out because I couldn’t keep trying to be something that I wasn’t,” he tells me.

(614) Magazine, an entertainment and culture magazine in Columbus, Ohio, will tell Pearson’s story in a 12-page cover story for its June issue. His narrative will ring familiar to many who grew up in a religious community. Pearson was raised in a conservative Christian home where he was taught that sexual orientation was a matter of choice. Though he knew from an early age that he was attracted to other males, he attempted to suppress his feelings and “be straight.”

“I never wanted to be gay,” he tells (614). “I was scared of what God would think and what all of these people I loved would think about me; so it was never an option for me.”

Nearly eight years ago, Pearson married a woman in hopes of achieving the kind of straight dream-life his community would support. Though he and his wife had two children, his hopes never materialized and Pearson realized he “was never going to be who my wife needed me to be.”

“I was not making it an option to be gay so I could be loyal to her and my children,” he told me. “But then I realized the only way I was ever going to be my best for them was to be healthy myself.”

Pearson’s shift places him in the center of a growing movement of popular Christian musicians who are coming out as gay and are advocating for a more open and accepting posture in the church. Ray Boltz, whose songs were staples in evangelical churches throughout the 1990s, came out as gay in 2004. Grammy-nominated Anthony Williams  became the first openly gay gospel artist in 2009. Jennifer Knapp, another Grammy-nominated Christian artist, acknowledged that she was a lesbian one year later. And in 2014, popular worship music artist Vicky Beeching told The Independent that she too was a lesbian.

These musicians paid a hefty price. Since Christian music fans tend to be conservative and believe that homosexual acts are sinful, you won’t hear these artists’ music played in most churches or on Christian radio these days.

I absolutely want to be a voice for other people,” Pearson says. “I know there are more and more Christians that realize how important this is, and I hope I can join with them in seeing this change.”

As for Pearson's letter to his fans and friends, here are excerpts:

 To my fans and friends:

Most of us reach at least one pivotal moment in our lives that better defines who we are.
These last several months have been the hardest – but have also ended up being the most freeing months — of my life.

To make an extremely long story short, I have come to be able to admit to myself, and to my family, that I am gay.

I grew up in a very conservative Christian home where I was taught that my sexual orientation was a matter of choice, and had put all my faith into that. I had never before admitted to myself that I was gay, let alone to anyone else. I never wanted to be gay.

I’ve tried my whole life to be straight. I married a girl, and I even have two beautiful little kids. My daughter, Liv, is six and my son, Beckham, is two.

I had always romanticized the idea of falling in love with a woman; and having a family had always been my dream. In many ways, that dream has come true. But I have also come to realize a lot of time has passed in my life pushing away, blocking out and not dealing with real feelings going on inside of me. I have tried not to be gay for more than 20 years of my life.

I tried to convince myself that this was what God wanted and that this would work. I thought all of those other feelings would stay away if I could just do this right.

When Lauren and I got married, I committed to loving her to the best of my ability, and I had the full intention of spending the rest of my life with her. Despite our best efforts, however, I have come to accept that there is nothing that is going to change who I am.

I know I have a long way to go. But if this honesty with myself about who I am, and who I was made by God to be, doesn’t constitute as the peace that passes all understanding, then I don’t know what does. It is like this weight I have been carrying my whole life has been lifted from me, and I have never felt such freedom.

In sharing this publicly I’m taking another step into health and wholeness by accepting myself, and every part of me. It’s not only an idea for me that I’m gay; It’s my life. This is me being authentic and real with myself and other people. This is a part of who I am.

I hope people will hear my heart, and that I will still be loved. I’m still the same guy, with the same heart, who wants to love God and love people with everything I have. This is a part of me I have come to be able to accept, and now it is a part of me that you know as well. I trust God to help love do the rest.

Without realizing it perhaps, Pearson has described the private struggle and agony that I and many others have experienced.  For readers who are still in the closet, I hope you with think about what Pearson has said.  It applies to all of us who due to religious based ignorance and bigotry tried so hard to live a lie.  I wish Pearson much happiness and much deserved self-acceptance. 

Things That I Wish I Had Known in High School

A graduation day similar to my own at Onongada Central Jr./Sr. High

In many of the earliest posts on this blog I have recounted my coming out story and my life growing up as a closeted gay boy in a Catholic household and attending a small conservative public high school in Central New York State.  One of the worse parts of that era before the Internet was the sense of being utterly alone and believing myself to be some sort of lone freak (who, of course, was damned to an eternity in Hell according to my church).  The consequence was that I worked incredibly hard in not allowing my secret to come out.  Other than summers in the Adirondacks and snow skiing during the winter, I viewed my life as a living hell.

Now, inadvertently I have discovered that I wasn't the lone freak I had thought I was at the time. It turns out there were indeed other LGBT kids at my school, including some that I knew (the school was so small that one knew just about everyone).  I've communicated with two of them and now know there were others as well.  It's been a great experience.  Of course, at the time none of us knew about each other, so we never had our "Geography Club"  moment. 

Growing up gay is still difficult in many parts of America and in far too many families.  Thankfully, the Internet will allow many to reduce their sense of isolation  - some that plagued me and increased my own lack of self acceptance - and add to their belief that things will get better.  Yes, a long term view for teenagers is hard to implement, but having access to the knowledge that there are others like you and places that are accepting will hopefully serve as a life line to more and more of today's LGBT teens.  Meanwhile, I will continue to try to expose the hypocrisy and evilness of those who seek to oppress and stigmatize LGBT individuals. 

  

Colton Haynes Officially Comes Out

Previous post on this blog have looked at Colton Haynes' past flirtations with gay modeling and his suggestion more recently that he might actually be gay.  Now, Haynes has made it official and confirmed that, yes, he is gay, and that he has been "out" to family and friends for some time.  I congratulate Haynes on finally making it official.  Having first lived in the closet for decades myself and then lived in the closet at work, words truly do not describe the weight one feels lifted from them once the hiding and secrecy are needed no more.  I wish Haynes happiness as he now lives an authentic life.  One of his comments that I touched a cord with me - he talked about having to act 24/7.  I described my years in the closet as living as "an actor on a stage."   Interesting that an actor would use the same analogy.  Here are highlights from an interview article in Entertainment Weekly:

If you don’t know Colton Haynes by name – and he’d be the first person to bashfully tell you, you probably don’t – you at least know the 27-year-old actor by his familiar Hollywood fable: farm boy turned New York model turned aspiring Los Angeles actor, a paragon of the digital age of the Instagrammable hunk, a slab of innocent Kansas marble sculpted by MTV and polished by The CW.

He’s a teen heartthrob and a fast-rising one at that, thanks to two major roles: His life-changing debut in 2011 as slithering jock Jackson Whittemore on MTV’s runaway hit Teen Wolf, and his series regular gig on The CW’s Arrow as hooded vigilante Arsenal. Both roles made him digital teen royalty, bolstered by Haynes’ decided effort to embrace and interact with fans and his eccentric social media savviness (somewhere to the tune of some 4-million Instagram followers).

So why, then, would a rising prince of teen genre walk away from two red-hot TV gigs – arguably at their own peaks, and on the cusp of his own – and all but abdicate the throne?

“I asked to step away because I cared more about my mental and physical health than my career at the time,” the actor tells EW, opening up about his personal and professional life for the first time in quite some time. “I’ve had terminal anxiety my entire life. Physically ill, fainting. I’m 27 years old, and I have an ulcer. I had to step back.” Clinical anxiety and public pressure are a potent mix, but their effects may be worse for someone like Haynes – a gentle spirit in a threatening (or so he’s been told by many a casting director) build, someone who lost control of his own personal narrative somewhere along the way between Kansas and California.

Social media afforded a temporary way to maintain his public voice after his departure from Arrow in 2015, . . . But while social media has helped his career, it’s also gotten him into some trouble. Case in point: A Tumblr post in January sparked an Internet firestorm after a fan commented on Haynes’ “secret gay past,”regarding racy modeling photos Haynes took while underage. Without giving it much thought, Haynes offered a coy reply: “Was it a secret?” The comment was picked up by bloggers as his coming out – but it wasn’t. Not yet.

“It was a complete shock. I wasn’t ready to be back in the headlines,” says Haynes, who is in fact gay but has never publicly addressed his sexuality (and, like many others on his path, took advice early in his career to subdue it). “I should have made a comment or a statement, but I just wasn’t ready. I didn’t feel like I owed anyone anything. I think in due time, everyone has to make those decisions when they’re ready, and I wasn’t yet. . . . .  He had checked into rehab for anxiety and would be frequently back in the hospital over the next three months.

“People want you to be that GQ image that you put out, but people don’t realize what it’s like to act 24 hours a day. I’d go home and I was still acting,” he says gently. “People who are so judgmental about those who are gay or different don’t realize that acting 24 hours a day is the most exhausting thing in the world.” The truth is, Haynes has been out for most of his life – in high school, to his family and friends, to his cast members, to his Hollywood bosses (like Arrow creator Greg Berlanti, now one of his closest mentors). But as a green transplant in Hollywood in 2006, he wasn’t any more immune to the town’s well-chronicled discomfort with LGBT identity.

Now, however, there’s a palpable energy around him, a positivity that gushes from a 27-year-old eager to start not just a new chapter, but perhaps a new book. He’s setting his eye on movies, on comedy, on theater and photography and music – all passions he’s keen to explore as a version nothing less than himself. 

If his cyber clash with his own identity earlier this year forced him to take stock of his life, its after-effects are now on the positive upswing. “It took me so long to get to this point, but I’m doing so good,” says Haynes. “I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and healthier than I’ve ever been, and that’s what I care about.”

No one should have to live in the closet like an actor 24/7 - especially when the need to do so stems solely from religious based ignorance and bigotry and the refusal of many, especially evangelical Christians, to move into the modern world and let go of brainwashing they received as children.  Again, kudos to Colton Haynes.

Bisexuality and John Lennon

I come from a generation younger than the late John Lennon, but I know all about conforming to societal expectations and suppressing ones feelings and attractions.  I denied admitting who I really was for 37 years.  Nonetheless, I surprised to see Yoko Ono state in an recent interview that she thought Lennon was bisexual although she believes he never acted on his same sex attraction.  The take away?  That many of us live lives that hide aspects about ourselves and try to be what we believe others expect us to be.  It can be stifling and oppressive.  Some will likely claim that Ono is sullying Lennon's memory.  I am not of that view.  Here are highlights from The Advocate on Ono's interview:

John Lennon has long been rumored to have been bisexual, and now his widow, Yoko Ono, says he had a desire to have sex with men but she believes he never acted on it.

“I think he had a desire to, but I think he was too inhibited,” Ono told The Daily Beast in a wide-ranging interview published today. She noted that Lennon had to be both physically and intellectually attracted to a partner. “He said, ‘I don’t mind if there’s an incredibly attractive guy.’ It’s very difficult: They would have to be not just physically attractive, but mentally very advanced too. And you can’t find people like that.”

Despite rumors Lennon that had been sexually intimate with Beatles manager Brian Epstein, who was gay, Ono says Lennon was not sexually involved with Epstein or any other man.

“Uh, well, the story I was told was a very explicit story, and from that I think [Lennon and Epstein] didn’t have it [sex],” Ono told the Beast. “But they went to Spain, and when they came back, tons of reporters were asking, ‘Did you do it, did you do it?’ So he said, ‘I did it.’ Isn’t that amazing? But of course he would say that. I’m sure Brian Epstein made a move, yeah.”

Ono believes Lennon’s lack of sexual intimacy with men had more to do with societal limitations than Lennon’s sexuality.

“John and I had a big talk about it, saying, basically, all of us must be bisexual. And we were sort of in a situation of thinking that we’re not [bisexual] because of society. So we are hiding the other side of ourselves, which is less acceptable."

Poll: Gay Pride Rising Even as Sense of Community Decreases

While gays are increasingly "mainstream" - the husband and I are yacht club members, frequent guests at a country club and even in Hampton Roads, Virginia, law firms are now happy to hire attorneys who are openly gay - much anti-gay discrimination continues to exist, especially in red states and backwaters like Southwest Virginia.  A recent poll, however, suggests that some gays are feeling a lost sense of community as society becomes more gay friendly. Personally, I have not felt this phenomenon, perhaps because the husband and I are so active in LGBT organizations such as Equality Virginia, HRBOR, the local gay and gay friendly chamber of commerce, HR Pride and other community organizations.  Nonetheless, as the Washington Post reports, while a sense of "gay pride" seems to be occurring, some poll respondents feel a loss of a sense of community as more gays go mainstream.  Here are article highlights:

In an illuminating and strikingly different survey, Logo — the Viacom Media network aimed at gay audiences — polled 1,061 gay men between ages 18 and 49, asking them how they saw themselves and their communities and following up with smaller groups in a number of cities. The survey is the first in a series of surveys of different LGBT communities that Logo plans to conduct. And it provides a fascinating look at how a rising generation of gay men feels about gay history, the role of the Internet and some of the biggest internal challenges facing gay communities. (An early look at the survey results was provided to The Washington Post.)

No matter its findings, the Logo study is unusual simply in that it exists at all. . . . . it’s only recently that LGBT people have been asked about how they see themselves and the society they live in more generally.

While this first Logo study doesn’t capture the range of experiences of other members of the LGBT community, like lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people, the researchers behind it were able to delve more broadly into the way gay men see themselves and their communities — with some surprising results.

The survey results reflect high and intense levels of pride among the respondents. Sixty-one percent of gay men between ages 20 and 29 told researchers that being gay was either extremely or very important to their identity (those numbers declined somewhat with age). Seventy-five percent of respondents of all ages agreed with the statement “Being gay makes me feel different in a good way.” Three-quarters also said that their sexual orientation had a positive effect on their lives, and 67 percent said that their lives were more interesting because they were gay. And 83 percent said that they found something distinct and important in their friendships with other gay men.
 
 “But at the same time we started to hear expressions of nostalgia from the younger end of the community, that they felt that the gay community of today didn’t feel as united or close-knit as they imagined it once was.”

While younger gay men have no desire to return to eras defined by persecution, police violence and indifference from public officials, and while they benefit from much greater access to one another through the Internet and through smartphones, the survey results did suggest a real longing for gay institutions. Sixty-four percent of the respondents in their 20s and 30s told researchers that “As gay people become more integrated into the mainstream, we have fewer places we can call our own,” and 85 percent of the overall respondents agreed with the statement “It’s sad to see gay neighborhoods and bars disappear,” and also with the idea that even as more Americans become open and accepting to gay people, it’s important to maintain gay-only spaces.

One of the ways these generational differences manifest is in the very process of figuring out how to be gay and what it means to be gay. Sixty-five percent of the survey respondents in their 20s and 30s agreed with the statement “Today the big struggle is no longer coming out but figuring out what kind of gay man do I want to be.”

“One of the interesting things about that is they felt like it was harder for them to take advice from older members of the community because they felt like the experiences they were having today, and the fact that they grew up in such a different environment sort of meant that the advice they had received from their older counterparts wasn’t going to be directly relevant,” Cohen says of the the 79 percent of all respondents who said that younger gay men were creating new rules and ways of gayness . . . .

[T]he process of identity formation is broadly disruptive, political scientist Kenneth Sherrill argues, because despite a profusion of cultural archetypes and the fact that more people are out of the closet, the assumption is still that most children will be heterosexual. When young people realize that they are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, it raises many other questions as well. Sherrill’s research, for example, has found that LGBT children of Republican parents switch party identification at exceptionally high rates. “That shock to the system has political and social consequences,” Sherrill explains. “It puts your identity on the table for reconsideration the moment you consider you’re not the person you thought you were going to be growing up. And when that happens, our research leads us to believe that it puts all aspects of identity on the table for reconsideration.

Eighty percent of respondents described the gay community as very judgmental, and 81 percent called it clique-y. Sixty-five percent of respondents agreed with the statement “Within the gay community, I often feel the pressure to look or act a certain way.” In particular, that judgment can manifest as racism against men of color, heavier or older men or men who don’t present themselves as hyper-masculine.

Cohen and Hillhouse emphasized repeatedly that gay men and the LGBT community at large still face substantial material obstacles to equality. But their research suggests that the wave of attitudinal change that shows up in their survey is just beginning to crest.

I came out in late 2001 and began living as a gay man (although closeted at work) in August, 2002.   Since then, I have seen a decline in the number of local gay clubs and those that have survived tend to market to an increasingly mixed clientele of gays and straights.  That said - at least in larger metropolitan areas - opportunities exist to build a sense of community through LGBT organizations.  In addition, most colleges and universities have active LGBT organiztions. Like many things, finding a sense of community requires effort on one's part to get involved and get to know people.  While more effort may be required today, in my view, it still beatds the "old days" where gays felt compelled to congregate at gay bars and clubs simply because they had nowhere else they could go.

On a last note, I definitely agree with the statement of survey respondents that “Being gay makes me feel different in a good way.”  I did not always feel this way, especially in the early days of my coming out journey, but now I truly feel that being gay is a gift.  A gift that I am thankful for.

Rugby League star Keegan Hirst "Comes Out"

Over the weekend British rugby star Keegan Hirst came out as gay after marrying a woman and fathering two children.   The story he tells in the Daily Mirror is all too familiar to those of us who suppressed who were are and did what was expected of us.  As in my case and that of so many others, eventually the strain becomes too much and one simply can no longer play the role one believes family and society demand.  The collateral damage, of course, is the straight spouse - who never seems to appear on the radar screen of anti-gay extremists who continue to push the :ex-gay" myth in their quest for money and to massage their own psycho-sexual issues.  Here are highlights from the interview article:

Rugby League player Keegan Hirst is the first British professional in the code to openly say he is gay.  Respected prop Keegan, 27, reveals the secret torment of dealing with his sexuality while carving out a career in one of the world’s most macho sports.

Speaking exclusively to the Sunday Mirror, the dad of two tells of the moment he finally found the words to explain to his wife the reason they could no longer be together.  And he talks emotionally of the support he got, not only from her but also from his rugby team-mates.

The 6ft 4in captain of West ­Yorkshire side Batley Bulldogs said: “At first I couldn’t even say ‘I’m gay’ in my head, let alone out loud.  “Now I feel like I’m letting out a long breath that I’ve held in for a long time.” . . . And he reveals: “The only time I felt free of the torment was when I stepped on the rugby pitch. Now I feel free.”

. . . .  he knew he had to be honest with his wife after he realised she blamed herself for their marriage break-up.  He said: “I finally told my wife I was gay a few weeks ago.  “She blamed herself when we ­separated but I knew she’d done nothing wrong. I couldn’t bear it any more, the guilt of it all, of her not knowing why I left. It was eating me up.

Keegan says he first felt he might be gay as a teenager. He said: “I had ­girlfriends on and off, but at about 15, I started feeling attracted to guys too.  “I was having conflicting feelings, but it was something I suppressed. It wasn’t the done thing to admit it.”

He said: “By the time I was 18, I was in complete denial, hoping it would go away. It was inconceivable to tell anybody how I was feeling.  "I didn’t have it right in my own head, so how could I tell anybody?  “Society dictates that when you’re a 16-year-old lad you have a girlfriend, you sleep with her and that’s how it is.

“It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy with her, it was that I wasn’t happy with myself.”  He adds: “I feel bad for what I’ve put her through, but hopefully it’s a case of better late than never.  “She’s got the chance now to get on with her life, to find someone new to be happy with. She deserves that.”

At his lowest, Keegan says, he considered taking his own life. “On the worst days I’d think, ‘I can’t do this, I’d rather be dead than for it all to come out.’

I totally understand his feelings.  I wish him happiness and hope that both he and his former wife find happiness.  

Back in Virginia - Reflections on the Past

The husband and I got back to our home in Virginia a short while ago and on the 11 hour drive home - it took 12 hours going north - I reflected on the long weekend and going back to a place that had held a special place in my heart for so many, many years.  I am no longer the closeted gay teen who desperately needed to try to reinvent himself in order to cope with school bullying and a never ending sense of being different.  And what I discovered over this weekend, one cannot recreate the past.  It's gone forever and many of those who played important roles have either died or moved on in their lives.  Yes, Brantingham Lake is still amazingly beautiful.  But the true magic that it once held for me is gone.  So many that I loved - my parents, one of my sisters, my grandparents and numerous aunts and uncles - are gone forever.  Hence the bitter sweetness of the visit.

Will I ever go back?  Probably not.  My husband got to see places that were a part of my past and very important in my former life and learn also some family history.  But my real take away from the long weekend - and I will admit, attempt to recapture the past - is that the real focus needs to be on the present and more importantly, the future.  As much as I will always love the family camp, in many ways it has become more of a museum to the past than a home. 

The camp from the water

I am blessed with a wonderful husband, three amazing children and now grandchildren.  Of equal importance is the fact that I have at long last achieved self-acceptance and do not need others - or things or money - to validate me.  All of us need be mindful of the past and respect our remarkable ancestors.  But the focus needs to be on the future.  The trip to Brantingham surprisingly was an unexpected reminder to me that home is where my husband is and with my children and grandchildren.

During my arduous coming out journey in mid-life, one of my fears was about the future which at the time seemed to be a black emptiness.  I clung to the past which was comfortable and familiar even though it was over and never to return.  What was once a black emptiness is now full with the husband, countless friends and a never ending whirl of social activities.  Getting to this point took a great deal of work, including throwing myself into organizations in order to meet new people and rebuild my world.  My advice to those coming out?  Focus on the future and let go of the past.  Don't forget the good of the past and honor it, but acknowledge that it is over.  Your life now belongs to the present and the future.  It took me far too long to figure this out.

There is a great interview of Olympic diver Tom Daley in The Guardian today.  In addition to talking about his grueling training schedule Daley talks about coming out and the fact that he "always knew he was attracted to guys."  It is something that I believe that every gay male knows from a fairly early age even if, like myself, we try to deny it to ourselves, seek to explain it away through mental gymnastics, and go to great lengths in self-deception before admitting the truth.  Finally accepting one self and the reality of who you are attracted to and love is such a liberating experience.  Word truly do not adequately describe the phenomenon.  Here are highlights from the interview:

“I think I’m diving as well as I am now because of Jane, and because of Lance.”

In March 2013, Daley went for dinner at a friend’s home in Los Angeles and met Dustin Lance Black, a screenwriter 20 years his senior who won an Oscar for Milk, the biopic of gay rights campaigner Harvey Milk. Daley says it was love at first sight. Until then, his only relationships had been with girls, but he had never been in love. Had he thought he might be gay? “I guess it has always been in the back of my head, but you never really know. I’d never had feelings for a person along those lines. I’d been in relationships with girls where I’d had sexual feelings, but it became so much more intense when I met Lance. I thought, ‘Whoa, this is weird. Why am I having these feelings for somebody?’”

Did that freak him out? He nods. “It freaked me a little bit initially, but then it was like, ‘OK, this makes sense’. Lots of things started to make sense.”  Is this his first relationship…? He cuts me off before I can finish the question.  “With a guy? Yes.”

Does he think he’s unusual in discovering his sexuality so late? Well, he says, it’s more complicated than that. “I always knew that I had that attraction to guys, but I just thought that was a usual thing, being attracted to guys and girls. It was only when I met Lance I started having such strong feelings.”

Did Black encourage him to come out? “Yes, he was supportive, but it never got to a point where he said, ‘You should do something about coming out.’ He was just always there, supportive. At no point was he at all pushy.”

Did he discuss coming out with his mother? “Oh yes. My mum had known for six months, and so had my friends. Mum was like, ‘Whatever makes you happy, I’m completely OK with.’” It couldn’t have been more different from the reaction from Black’s family. “He was Mormon, so homosexuals were put in the same group as serial killers.”

Daley says he was unsure how, and whether, to come out publicly right until the last moment. “I thought, should I just not say anything and get caught out, which would be horrible?” And would he have regarded it as getting caught out? “It was more a case of, ‘Oh screw it. I don’t care what people think. I’ll do my own thing. I can still dive, I can still do what I want to do.’ Then I was thinking I could do a newspaper interview, but you wouldn’t want somebody to twist your words. You could do a TV interview, but you don’t want to be asked questions you don’t want to answer. So I just said exactly what I was comfortable with saying at the time. And nothing could be twisted.”

Was there anybody directing him when he made his video? “No, I did it on my phone. I was the only one in the room. That was the way I talk to people anyway, through my YouTube channel.”

How did he feel once the video was out? “It was a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. I was terrified before. And then when it finally happened I was like, great, I don’t need to worry about it any more, people know, who cares, whatever…”

I am happy for Daley and for Lance Black.  Having met his three different times, he's not only beautiful in person, but also one of the nicest unassuming guys  one could ever meet.  I think him profusely for all his work in bringing same ex marriage nationwide. 

Robin Williams Comes Out In Final Film Release, "Boulevard"

As the name of this blog indicates, I have special experience when it comes to coming out of the closet in mid-life.  Added to my own journey has been what I have learned from others making the journey, including one relative and acquaintances of the husband and our circle of friends.  It is safe to say that there is no recipe or blue print of how one goes about the process of letting go of the in some ways artificial life that was created to meet the expectations of family and society as a whole. A new movie - which I have yet to see - looks at the process and stars the late Robin Williams.  The name of the film is "Boulevard."  Some may pan the film, but it addresses an issue that I suspect impacts far more men and women than most are likely able to imagine.  As I have noted in the past, simple go to Craigslist or sites like adam4Adam or Grindr and witness just how many closeted married men there are. The question is one of how many will decide to come to full self-acceptance as opposed to continuing to live a role dictated to them by others.   Deadline Holywood looks at the film which I do plan to see.  Here are excerpts:

Robin Williams’ final theatrical release, Boulevard, opens this weekend via Starz Digital. The feature, starring Williams as a 60-year-old married man who comes out of the closet, debuted at the 2014 Tribeca Film Festival, but was temporarily shelved following the actor’s death. Starz will open the film in a slow traditional rollout this summer.

Boulevard centers on a married but closeted 60-year-old bank officer Nolan (Williams), whose spontaneous turn down an unknown street upends his monotonous life and marriage. After forming an unusual friendship with a young, charismatic hustler named Leo, Nolan finds himself on a journey of self-discovery that forces him to confront lifelong secrets he has kept from his wife, Joy (Kathy Baker), and himself. Nolan’s climactic decision to confront who he really is promises to bring happiness and reconciliation to both him and his wife, proving that it is never too late to change life for the better.

“I received a copy of the script…and something about it really touched me,” said director Dito Montiel. “Probably the last thing your agent wants to hear is that you want to do [a movie] about a 60-year-old man coming out. [But] there was an aspect of the coming out I was drawn to and that was of the marriage itself. The [couple] do love each other. It’s not a ‘stand-up and cheer’ to leave ‘the evil woman.’ They did love each other.”

The film has also screened as part of recent Robin Williams retrospectives at the Museum of the Moving Image in New York (MOMI) and the American Cinematheque in L.A. “We planned the release around a lot of things but didn’t plan around the Marriage Equality Act,” said Starz’s Winokur. “Robin’s character is 60 and didn’t have the right to live his life as he would have. It’s a fortuitous coincidence to be able to look at this movie with a fresh pair of eyes.” Starz also released the film’s trailer on YouTube, receiving about 4 million views.

Recently, I was at the birthday party for one of my grandchildren and my ex-wife was there with her husband.  It was awkward at first - I usually "self-medicate" with a glass or two of wine - but we did hug each other.  The truth is that we did love each other once upon a time.  Sadly, we were doomed to failure because I my inability to accept myself for so many years and my foolish belief in wrongheaded, false religious dogma and "pray away the gay" lies and nonsense.  We all deserve happiness and we all deserve to be happy.  I do hope that my former wife finds happiness too.  With our children and now grand children, we will always be connected. 

A Somewhat Overlooked Impact of the Gay Marriage Ruling

One aspect of the recent same sex marriage ruling that is overlooked by many - in the case of the self-centered Christofascists, they don't care even if it has crossed their minds - is that for countless LGBT youth there is now a message from the highest court in the land that they are worthy of dignity and that their love is worthy of state recognition.   For straights, it may be hard to comprehend how deeply this touches emotionally - I shed some tears when I heard of the ruling - and how many may in the future suffer less from the self-hate and damaged lives that goes with trying to "pray the gay away" and living in the closet.  A piece in Huffington Post by a psychologist looks at this perhaps overlooked impact and the benefits that may flow from the ruling.  Here are highlights:

[H]omosexuality and gay marriage are highly emotional issues. And we therapists possess the privilege of a unique perspective on the emotional elements of most any issue. And the emotional elements are crucial in understanding the issue overall.

For I have sat across from the young man fighting against his truth, his gay-ness, with every fiber of his being. Because it will disappoint his parents. Because he won't be accepted or loved, but rejected. Because he has been taught that who he knows himself to be is wrong. So he fights. He fights against his very nature. The resulting anxiety and depression run so very deep.

I have sat across from the teenage girl who recognizes who she is, but loathes the fact of it, and loathes herself as a result. Because it makes her life so hard, so odd, so weird. It estranges from people she once considered safe. Thoughts of suicide hover in the shadows all around her. And yet in every conceivable way, she is better-than-fine: bright, driven, beautiful, athletic, funny. And gay.

And I have sat across from the man who has lived a lie his entire life, hiding beneath the trappings of 'normalcy': wife, children, house, couple of dogs. Family man. But he is tortured nonetheless. For he is gay as well, and he and those around him, he projects, would find this to be unacceptable. And now an entire family is drawn into the dark.

[T]his ruling suggests another wave in a sea change. For many people, many of my own clients in fact, can now comfort themselves with the fact that what they sense and know about themselves, this undeniable core essence of their being, is now lawful and allowable and acceptable by society's standards. And sure, that's good. 

But it goes beyond just that, right? Because for the majority of us, our loves and attractions are actually celebrated, from crushes to dates to proms to weddings. And we don't really need to give it a thought. There is a wild emotional divide between private shame and public celebration, and it is critical.

I like to think that a generation from now, if our sons or daughters are drawn to someone, male or female, and fall in love with that someone, that we will want to share in the joy that love will bring to their lives, and to our own. 

Making ourselves unavailable to that joy ensures, and has ensured, the opposite: fear and judgment and ego, enough to keep therapists like me flush with clients for generations, treating toxic, wholly unnecessary feelings of shame and depression and relentless anxiety about something that is organic and authentic and actually quite simple.

Fewer people will be compelled to live a lie their entire lives. Fewer people will feel a need to shield their deep reality in shame. Fewer lives will end tragically. This is no small deal.

So I celebrate today, for the emotional well-being of every gay person, man or woman,
who has suffered their love in lieu of celebration. I celebrate the deep breath they can finally draw, and the joyful, well-appointed weddings on the horizon.

Of course, upon sober reflection, we all know that legislation does not flip a switch on feelings, attitudes and emotions. These biases lag well behind.

So if you are the parent, brother, sister, teacher or friend of a gay man or woman and you find yourself bitter today, let me encourage you to turn a page. Allow yourself to open your heart and mind to them, for them and for yourself. Because the train has left the station, and you can continue to be a part of the pain and anxiety and costly emotional heartache, or serve as part of the joy.

The 11-Year-Old Who Rocked Hampton Roads Pride Block Party

I will be posted photos shortly from yesterday's PrideFest event which unfortunately had to close early due to violent thunderstorms that moved into the area halfway through the event. However, a friend on the Pride Board just shared this Youtube video that I found very touching.  What is ironic is that at one point, we were dancing close to him.  He was having a ball.  This is his mother's post that goes with the video:

My son Quin is 11, he has Asperger Syndrome and has been bullied for being different. When he heard we were going to the Pride Block Party at the Scope Center, here in Norfolk, Virginia, to celebrate the passage of national equal marriage he asked to come. "I relate to not being accepted, bullied and having to not be who you really are," he said. "I'm happy the law is changed. I'm happy people can be who they really are and love who they really love. Let's party!"
And he sure did.

Quin's enthusism and happiness was shared by the thousands of others who were at the block party.  It was an amazing event.  There was far more joy and kindness towards others at the event than what you see in most church services, especially Southern Baptist services, I suspect.

LGBT Youth - Coming Out is Worth the Risk

Since coming out, I've gone through an ugly divorce and been forced out of a Virginia Beach based law firm for being gay.  But despite these negatives, coming out was the best thing I ever did for my own emotional/psychological well being.  Thirteen plus years later, I cannot imagine ever going back in the closet.  The living in fear of discovery, the self-hate arising from an inability to "pray the gay away," and the inability to simply be one's self is so toxic.   A new study finds that for LGBT youth, coming out is an overall positive despite some of the negatives that may go with it: bullying being perhaps the biggest negative.  A piece in Think Progress looks at the study findings.  Here are excerpts:

A new study published in the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry finds that LGBT young people benefit greatly from coming out in school, even in cases where they experience bullying. Indeed, the study found that the positive effects of coming out actually seemed to counteract some of the consequences of bullying that LGBT students might experience in school.

Research has consistently shown that anti-LGBT victimization in schools is associated with negative adjustment for students, but being out is associated with positive adjustment for LGBT students. Students who were out in this study demonstrated lower levels of depression and higher levels of satisfaction and self-esteem, effects that carried into young adulthood. Though it was previously assumed that being out increased the amount of victimization, the current study found that LGBT students experienced bullying whether they were out or not.

That’s because students who feel the need to hide their identity are already exposed to a toxic environment, and hiding, itself, contributes to depression. The study found that among the young people it studied, “attempts to hide their LGBT identities during adolescence were, on average, unsuccessful. The result appears to be more victimization and, ultimately, higher depression.”

In other words, coming out is worth the risk in most cases. Bullying and victimization that an out student might experience specifically because of their LGBT identity can certainly compromise the positive benefits of coming out, but overall, being out will still result in a net positive adjustment over hiding.

Previous studies have similarly found positive results when individuals come out, both for their mental health and overall happiness, provided they don’t face hostility for doing so. . . . Coming out early could thus set young people on a course to be more successful over the rest of their lives.

Admittedly, coming out and living out and proud is not always easy.  One definitely has to develop an attitude of "if you don't like me, it's your loss."  I've also found that if one is confident and self-assured, it goes a long way to deter would be bullies and those who might otherwise reject you.  

Tom Daley: 'I Am a Gay Man Now'

I have one friend - he knows who he is - who just loves British diver Tom Daley.  With Daley's new announcement that he's gay, not bisexual, my friend DW must be in seventh heaven.  Here are excerpts from The Bilerico Project:

Tom Daley, the cute 19-year-old British diver and reality television star who won the bronze medal in the 10-metre platform in the 2012 London Olympics, announced in December that he's "dating a guy and... couldn't be happier" but that he also "still fanc[ies] girls."

But last night on the UK television show Celebrity Juice, Daley told the world that he does not identify as bisexual, but as gay. "I am a gay man now," Daley said.

He went on to explain:

"I came out on YouTube as I wanted to say what I wanted to say without anyone twisting it. I told my family before I told the world. I was terrified. I did not know what the reaction was going to be. I did it on YouTube because people were constantly digging and asking questions."

As to his relationship with Oscar-winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black, Daley said things are "all good."

 

Hopefully, Daley's example and that of other recently out athletes will continue to inspire other athletes to come out of the closet.  Meanwhile, DW, sweet dreams!

re at http://www.bilerico.com/2014/04/tom_daley_i_am_a_gay_man_now.php#6z6I5Gikd8eYjYyp.99