LGBT Youth - Coming Out is Worth the Risk

Since coming out, I've gone through an ugly divorce and been forced out of a Virginia Beach based law firm for being gay.  But despite these negatives, coming out was the best thing I ever did for my own emotional/psychological well being.  Thirteen plus years later, I cannot imagine ever going back in the closet.  The living in fear of discovery, the self-hate arising from an inability to "pray the gay away," and the inability to simply be one's self is so toxic.   A new study finds that for LGBT youth, coming out is an overall positive despite some of the negatives that may go with it: bullying being perhaps the biggest negative.  A piece in Think Progress looks at the study findings.  Here are excerpts:

A new study published in the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry finds that LGBT young people benefit greatly from coming out in school, even in cases where they experience bullying. Indeed, the study found that the positive effects of coming out actually seemed to counteract some of the consequences of bullying that LGBT students might experience in school.

Research has consistently shown that anti-LGBT victimization in schools is associated with negative adjustment for students, but being out is associated with positive adjustment for LGBT students. Students who were out in this study demonstrated lower levels of depression and higher levels of satisfaction and self-esteem, effects that carried into young adulthood. Though it was previously assumed that being out increased the amount of victimization, the current study found that LGBT students experienced bullying whether they were out or not.

That’s because students who feel the need to hide their identity are already exposed to a toxic environment, and hiding, itself, contributes to depression. The study found that among the young people it studied, “attempts to hide their LGBT identities during adolescence were, on average, unsuccessful. The result appears to be more victimization and, ultimately, higher depression.”

In other words, coming out is worth the risk in most cases. Bullying and victimization that an out student might experience specifically because of their LGBT identity can certainly compromise the positive benefits of coming out, but overall, being out will still result in a net positive adjustment over hiding.

Previous studies have similarly found positive results when individuals come out, both for their mental health and overall happiness, provided they don’t face hostility for doing so. . . . Coming out early could thus set young people on a course to be more successful over the rest of their lives.

Admittedly, coming out and living out and proud is not always easy.  One definitely has to develop an attitude of "if you don't like me, it's your loss."  I've also found that if one is confident and self-assured, it goes a long way to deter would be bullies and those who might otherwise reject you.  

America's Mental Health Crisis; Creigh Deeds on "60 Minutes"

While I supported him against the now disgraced Bob "Taliban Bob" McDonnell, Creigh Deeds was a terrible candidate when he ran for governor of Virginia in 2009.  That said, his appearance on 60 Minutes this evening was incredibly powerful and helped to expose the disgraceful state of mental health care in America.  His scared face and deep emotion was so very, very moving. The lack of mental health care is literally a national embarrassment.  But it is especially relevant to members of the LGBT community struggling to deal with the harm done by anti-gay bigotry and the family rejection that some of us are faced with.  A clip from the show is posted above and well worth watching.

When I came out and struggled to overcome religious based internalized homophobia and societal condemnation, access to competent and supportive therapists was crucial.  Yet even with good medical insurance, coverage for mental health therapy was greatly limited and significant out of pocket costs were part of receiving the assistance I needed.  One can only hope that the nightmare that Creigh Deeds experienced and his personal testimony will push the Virginia General Assembly to do the right thing and (i) allocate more money for mental health care and (ii) force insurers to afford increased coverage for this much needed  segment of health care.

A sincere thank you to Creigh Deeds for speaking out so that the tragedy that happened to his son and his family hopefully does not happen to anyone else! 

Recovering from Homophobia as Sexual Abuse

Anti-gay hate groups and misnamed "family values" organizations like to tell the larger public that gays suffer from more mental health issues than "normal" heterosexuals.  Of course, these same nasty groups and individuals conveniently ignore the fact that they do all in their power to malign, marginalize and keep gays legally inferior as citizens.  Being told that one is perverted, sinful, disgusting, and so on and depicted as diseased and a threat to society can and does take its toll even on the strongest individuals.  Through this blog, I get contacted frequently by closeted gay men who are trying to come to terms with their sexuality or by those who are recently out, but struggling with internalized homophobia.  More recently, I have even had wives contact me who are worried about the closeted husbands.  It is a daunting task to try to give advice, but what it often comes down to is that these gay men - and it applies to women too - need to let go of the poison with which they have been brainwashed.  A piece in 10 Thousand Couples looks at this problem and some means to over come it.  Here are excerpts:

Shame is a nearly universal experience for gay men.  Even if a gay man has not been sexually abused physically, his experience growing up in a homophobic culture can be considered a form of sexual abuse. 

The culture teaches every gay youth that something essential about their core sexual selves is different and, moreover, gross and weird.  The typical result of this teaching is that gay men believe it, even when they grow up and start to question its validity.

gay men often minimize the psychological impact of their experiences growing up gay.  There has been so much exciting recent progress in gay marriage equality that I believe it feeds a growing tendency to assume that our childhood exposure to humiliation is no longer an issue. 

I often hear “That happened long ago and I’m over it.”

Decades of psychological research have proven that our experiences growing up make a huge difference in our well-being.  The root cause of much of the anxiety and low self-esteem experienced by gay men can often be traced back to childhood experiences with homophobic parents, relatives, and classmates.

Uncovering and releasing each piece of internalized homophobia requires an ongoing commitment to your own self-observation and re-education.  Here are some suggestions that may help you stay on the path to recovery from your exposure to homophobia:

• Keep reading autobiographical books and essays by gay men so that you can see your life experiences validated by the experiences of others.  My current favorite is the 2011 book of essays by Ryan Van Meter entitled If You Knew Then What I Know Now.

• Start to notice when you disparage members of the gay community—or yourself—as being “too feminine.”  It is very easy to blindly accept the cultural teaching that femininity in men is bad.  But if you take the time to explore this, you’ll realize that this is just an arbitrary, manufactured cultural idea that has no basis in truth. 

• Join gay political groups like the Human Rights Campaign, Lambda Legal, or GLAAD and read their newsletters to raise your political consciousness and to help invoke your outrage at the injustice still levied at people simply for being gay.

• Continue searching for a group of gay friends who will validate and mirror your experiences.  Avoid bringing homophobic people into your social circle.  Their beliefs are toxic to your personal health. 

It is abusive to tell young people that their same-sex gender attraction is bad.  Like recovery from sexual abuse, the process of healing from these influences takes awareness, diligence, and support. 

Shame is a nearly universal experience for gay men.  Even if a gay man has not been sexually abused physically, his experience growing up in a homophobic culture can be considered a form of sexual abuse.
The culture teaches every gay youth that something essential about their core sexual selves is different and, moreover, gross and weird.  The typical result of this teaching is that gay men believe it, even when they grow up and start to question its validity.
- See more at: http://10thousandcouples.com/issue/october-2013/article/homophobia-as-sexual-abuse#sthash.HlzDrUXx.dpuf

The Health Benefits of Coming Out

As readers who have followed this blog from its inception know, coming out of the closet is not an easy process at any age, especially after years of marriage and three children. But as a new study shows, coming out and living openly can result in real health benefits.  Yes, that's right coming out is good for one's mental health and reduces stress levels.  Out gay men are less stressed and suffer from less depression than even heterosexual men.  And in contrast to closeted gays, out gays are even more stress free and far less depressed.  In some ways, the findings are simple common sense if one thinks about it.   I for one know that I am far happier and have a much better level of self-acceptance than I ever had during my closeted years.  A piece in Slate looks at the study findings.  Here are some highlights:

Research shows that LGBT people, especially those living in the closet, face disproportionate stresses, including higher risk of anxiety and depression. But a study published this week in Psychosomatic Medicine uncovered something surprising: Heterosexual men had higher levels of depression than gay and bisexual men. Less surprising but still important: Lesbians, gays, and bisexuals who are open about their sexuality had less stress than those who conceal it.

The authors gave several hypotheses to explain the surprising finding that straight men have higher stress than out gay men.  .   .  .   .  hypotheses related to the character-building component of surviving and rejecting years of shame and stigma. Perhaps this struggle produces coping skills that straight men never need to learn.

Or do they? .   .  .  .   Men suffered from gender inequality, too, and faced a whole added level of stress born of the internalized belief that they must adhere to certain roles, especially those of breadwinner and protector, which discouraged them from expressing vulnerabilities, fears, and emotional needs.   These burdens have been built into our laws and culture for years. Recall that the rationale for the military’s ban on open gays had nothing to do with the abilities of gay people but was an accommodation to the special needs of straight men. The late sociologist Charles Moskos, who coined “don’t ask, don’t tell,” testified before Congress that because of the “sexual insecurities” of straight men, “this is exactly why we need the ban.”

[I]n reality, resistance to equality was more complex, rooted in the fragile identity of the modern male. As I recently explained, both Moskos and members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff opposed women in combat in the 1990s not because of ability or even distraction but because of their attachment to cultural ideas about gender.

Gay people have been dealing with this kind of “logic” for years. And it has a silver lining. For all the added struggles of being LGBT, the experience of coming out to someone who says, “I love you even so” can create a sense of acceptance and relief that many straight people never get to enjoy. Those who have never come out about anything as traditionally shameful as being queer remain silently burdened by responsibilities, roles, and a level of repression—often self-imposed—that add needless stress to their lives.

The dramatic leaps forward in LGBT equality over the past few years have not only been about legal equality but about replacing shame with dignity. In addition to the right to serve in uniform and marry in several states, gay people have enjoyed a new sense of liberation from needless emotional repression.

In 1993, Gerald Garvey and John DiIulio, then politics professors at Princeton, wrote an article in the New Republic explaining that the reason for the military’s gay ban was that, “by military cultural definition, a soldier can’t be gay and be a part of all that is best or most cherished in military life and lore.” The same was true of women. Now it’s true of neither. Yet for straight men, the stresses of performing manhood persist. The authors of the study say their findings confirm the importance of disclosure. Hopefully straight men can recognize that they, too, inhabit a closet of sorts, from which they can liberate themselves.

Warning: Anti-Gay States May be Hazardous to Your Health

Living in an anti-gay state like Virginia - and there are others that are even worse - does take a toll on a person even when outwardly one has come to terms with the hostility that pervades the legal environment in which gays must live: no employment non-discrimination protections; no legal recognition of relationships; pervasive gay bashing for sport; and, of course, constant verbal assaults from Bible beaters. This reality was brought home to me recently when an outwardly very well adjusted gay couple I know remarked about how much they enjoyed traveling to more gay friendly destination where they felt free to just be themselves. A new study has confirmed what this couple and many others have felt: living in an anti-gay state increases stresses and can be harmful. Dr. Abbie Goldberg, assistant professor of Psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Massachusetts, and JuliAnna Smith at the Center for Research on Families of the University of Massachusetts-Amherst have written a report on their study which appears in the in February 2011 issue of the Journal of Counseling Psychology, a peer-reviewed publication of the American Psychological Association. Keen News Service has a story on the report and here are some highlights:
*
Same-sex couples with adopted children living in states with anti-gay adoption laws and attitudes had more mental health issues in their first year of parenthood than couples with adopted children living in more accepting states, a new study has found.
*
Gay and lesbian adoptive parents living in states with unfavorable laws regarding adoption by gay people showed greater increases in symptoms of depression and anxiety (as measured by standard clinical scales) during the period of study than did individuals living in states with more favorable legal climates.
*
The effect was most pronounced among those with high levels of internalized homophobia—which was assessed by a questionnaire asking participants how strongly they agreed with statements such as, “If someone offered me the chance to be completely heterosexual, I would accept the chance.”
*
In comparison, individuals with high levels of internalized homophobia, but who lived in states with favorable legal climates, experienced decreases in symptoms of depression during the period of study.
*
In addition to state legal climates, other factors in the study that predicted lower symptoms of depression and/or anxiety among new adoptive parents were workplace support, friend support, relationship quality, and family support.
*
[S]everal previous studies have shown a general correlation between states with anti-LGBT laws and negative mental health in LGBT people. Most recently, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention released a comprehensive report on the causes of suicidal behavior in LGBT adolescents and adults. It concluded, “discriminatory laws and public policies have a profound negative impact on the mental health of gay adults.”
*
And what's behind all these anti-gay laws? Christianists and professional Christians who work daily to subvert religious freedom in this nation.

Christine O’Donnell Likens Repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell To Adultery

In my view, Christine O'Donnell is a certifiable nutjob. On gay rights, however, she's at least honest and voices her contempt for LGBT Americans - something that's refreshing compared to Barack Obama who says he's for LGBT equality but then throws obstacles in the path of progress. Personally, I prefer a known enemy any day over a back stabbing liar who disingenuously claims to be your ally. Given O'Donnell's lunacy and "ex-gay" ministry past, it's not surprising that her views on DADT repeal are beyond nasty. Think Progress has some highlights of O'Donnell's batshitery in which she - unlike Obama who I think actually agrees with her based on his actions to date - doesn't hide her bigotry and rejection of modern medical and mental health knowledge on sexual orientation. I can't help but wonder how many gay teens hearing this garbage from O'Donnell or Valier Jarrett's "lifestyle choice" statements and coverage of Obama's likely appeal of the DADT ruling may be convinced that it does NOT get better. These people have blood on their hands. Here are highlights of O'Donnell's verbal diarrhea:
*
During this evening’s Delaware Senate debate, Christine O’Donnell — who has a spotty record on LGBT rights — repeatedly compared allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military to “adultery” and condemned the recent court decision which banned the military from enforcing the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy:
*
O’DONNELL: A federal judge recently ruled that we have to overturn Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. There are a couple of things we need to say about that. First of all, judges should not be legislating from the bench. Second of all, it’s up to the military to set the policy that the military believes is in the best interest of unit cohesiveness and military readiness. The military already regulates personal behavior in that it doesn’t allow affairs to go on within your chain of command. It does not allow it you are married to have an adulterous affair within the military. So the military already regulates personal behavior because it feels that it is in the best interest of our military readiness. I don’t think that Congress should be forcing a social agenda on to our military. I think we should leave that to the military.
*
“People are created in God’s image. Homosexuality is an identity adopted through societal factors. It’s an identity disorder,” O’Donnell told the Washington Post four years ago, taking a position that has been universally rejected by science and psychology since the early 1970s.

*

Blaming the Victims - Mental Health Issues in the LGBT Community

One of the favorite things the homo-haters like to do in their efforts to denigrate LGBT individuals is to cite the higher level of mental health issues that many gays are plagued with. Never mind that the number one cause of these issues stems not from being gay itself but rather from the living hell that all too many of us have experienced due to the discrimination and bigotry that we face daily. This malevolent reality arises from the anti-gay jihad of "godly Christians," the Roman Catholic Church, the Southern Baptist Convention, etc., and a host of professional Christian organizations whose principle stock in trade is the dissemination lies and untruths about gay individuals. Add to this constant barrage the fear of being disowned by family, the danger of being fired at will in the majority of the states in this country, and the lack of recognition and support for our relationships. All of which again is due to the efforts of the self-congratulatory religious folks in this country and the parasites who make a living stirring up anti-gay hate.

*

The wonder is, in fact, that gays aren't even more messed up emotionally and psychologically than we are given the relentless attacks we face constantly. Personally, it took me years of therapy and two suicide attempts before I finally put this kind of poison behind me. Sadly, given the USA's still badly broken health care system, many LGBT individuals lack the medical insurance coverage that would allow them to seek professional help. While what I have just described applies to the USA, the phenomenon of increased mental health issues is not unique to America. In the UK, the award-winning gay lifestyle magazine, Attitude, is seeking to address the issue head on as reported by The Guardian. Here are some highlights:
*
"It's a big taboo, we're expecting it to cause quite a stir," admits the editor of Britain's award-winning gay lifestyle magazine, Attitude. . . . The theme is the worryingly high rates of mental health and dependency problems among gay men.
*
Evidence shows that gay men are more than twice as likely to attempt suicide. A research project at London's University College hospital found "significantly higher" rates of mental illness among gay men than their straight peers. "It's an incredibly sensitive issue that gay men are very defensive about," said Todd, "because we fought so long to say we're equal, we're happy with who we are. While that's true, we're are also suffering from the trauma of the journey, the isolation, the secrecy and the shame, and the resulting effect on your mental health that is more likely to happen to you if you grow up gay than if you grow up straight.
*
"It's about low self-esteem and the self-hating gay man. But the time has come to find the strength to face it and realise that, while it's not our fault this has been inflicted on us, we do need to deal with it." For Todd, realising he was gay at the age of 10 sent him "freefalling into shame". "It was the beginning of the worst five years of my life. I feel for me then and for kids now totally let down by society. I should have been able to talk to my teacher, to my parents. I don't think many people really understand the trauma."
*
The isolation begins in childhood. "They pick up on the fact that the parents are sensing there's something different too, and that's bad. The child is absorbing all this. Another level of shame. It's a painful thing for people to deal with. Not everyone comes out of the closet shouting hurray!"
*
[A]s one gay blogger wrote: "The gay community is truly a wounded lot. In essence, young gay men have no role models in the home, no one to guide them through feelings of insecurity. They know deep down that they are different, but as young people tend to do, they don't view 'difference' in a positive, healthy light. They come to believe that they are inherently flawed, unlovable, second-class citizens."
*
Things may be changing, but the damage inflicted by homophobia and growing up "different" has already been done for many gay men. "Homosexuality" was not taken off the list of psychiatric disorders until 1973, making it especially difficult for older gay men to reveal their sexuality to mental health providers, said Dominic Davies, director and founder of Pink Therapy, the UK's largest independent counselling organisation working with gender and sexual minority clients: "If you don't feel you can trust your doctor, you are not going to disclose to them.
*
The result of living as a stigmatised minority is that you self-medicate." Tim Franks of the gay and lesbian charity Pace said mental health providers in Britain are blind to the problem. "Of the young people coming into our workshops, around one in four has already attempted suicide. They are isolated and in hiding almost, they don't know who the safe people are.
*
Todd hopes Attitude will help gay men to tackle that question: "If there is a gay community, we need to look after people who are having a bad time. For the first time, we have concrete answers. If you have these issues, there's a way to deal with them."

APA: Gay Marriage Bans Harm Mental Health

An upcoming article in the Journal of Counseling Psychology, published by APA, looks at the consequences of the gay marriage bans on the mental health status of LGBT citizens. In my opinion, the real goal behind these bans has always been to stigmatize gays and do as much emotional and psychological damage to gays as possible. To the supporters of these bans, depression and suicide in the LGBT community is a good thing and they'd be more than happy if we all hung ourselves or fatally over dosed. Some may think me too harsh, but I don't believe so. These people truly view us as less than human and something to be eradicated. and the leaders of our enemies are NOT nice people regardless of whatever insincere lip service they put out to the contrary. Here are some highlights on the APA findings from 365gay.com:

*

Amendments that restrict civil marriage rights of same-sex couples – such as Proposition 8 that recently passed in California – have led to higher levels of stress and anxiety among lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender adults, as well as among their families of origin, according to several new studies the American Psychological Association said Wednesday.

*

The survey results documented increased minority stress, as well as more general psychological distress, among LGB individuals following the passage of a marriage amendment in 2006, compared to LGB people in states without an amendment on the 2006 ballot. The researchers, led by Sharon Scales Rostosky, Ph.D., at the University of Kentucky, found that those participants living in states that passed a measure in 2006 reported increased exposure to negative media messages and negative conversations.

*

“And this stress is not due to other pre-existing conditions or factors; it is a direct result of the negative images and messages associated with the ballot campaign and the passage of the amendment.”

*

Participants reported feeling not just alienated from their communities, but fearful that they would lose their children, that they would become victims of anti-gay violence or that they would need to move to a more accepting community. Some of these anxieties were mitigated by social support.

*

Brent Mallinckrodt, Ph.D., editor of the Journal of Counseling Psychology, said the three articles provide empirical evidence of the harmful psychological and emotional effects of such measures.

*

I suspect that Christianist leaders who read this article - a big if, I know - they will likely be smiling to themselves. It's sick, I know, but also probably very true. Again, these folks are not nice people.