White Heterosexual Men Have the Fewest Friends

Studies indicate that white heterosexual men have the fewest close friends.  A piece in Salon looks at the issue:

Of all people in America, adult, white, heterosexual men have the fewest friends. Moreover, the friendships they have, if they’re with other men, provide less emotional support and involve lower levels of self-disclosure and trust than other types of friendships. When men get together, they’re more likely to do stuff than have a conversation. Friendship scholar Geoffrey Greif calls these “shoulder-to-shoulder” friendships, contrasting them to the “face-to-face” friendships that many women enjoy. If a man does have a confidant, three-quarters of the time it’s a woman, and there’s a good chance she’s his wife or girlfriend.

[R]esearch shows that boys are just as likely as girls to disclose personal feelings to their same-sex friends and they are just as talented at being able to sense their friends’ emotional states.

But, at about age 15 to 16 — right at the same age that the suicide rate of boys increases to four times the rate of girls — boys start reporting that they don’t have friends and don’t need them. Because Way interviewed young men across each year of high school, she was able to document this shift. One boy, Justin, said this in his first year, when he was 15:

[My best friend and I] love each other… that’s it… you have this thing that is deep, so deep, it’s within you, you can’t explain it.

By his senior year, however, this is what he had to say about friendship:

[My friend and I] we mostly joke around. It’s not like really anything serious or whatever… I don’t talk to nobody about serious stuff…

Why?  Some posit that it's because of the (in my view) sick macho mentality in which men are raised and taught to hide their feelings and never show weakness or any traits that might suggest femininity.  And then there is the so-called gay panic syndrome: men cannot show affection towards without facing possible accusations of being gay.  Andrew Sullivan looks at these toxic causes.  Here are highlights:

Lisa Wade blames the conditioning boys undergo in their teens:

[M]en are pressed — from the time they’re very young — to disassociate from everything feminine. This imperative is incredibly limiting for them. Paradoxically, it makes men feel good because of a social agreement that masculine things are better than feminine things, but it’s not the same thing as freedom. It’s restrictive and dehumanizing. It’s oppression all dressed up as awesomeness. And it is part of why men have a hard time being friends.

To be close friends, men need to be willing to confess their insecurities, be kind to others, have empathy and sometimes sacrifice their own self-interest. “Real men,” though, are not supposed to do these things. They are supposed to be self-interested, competitive, non-emotional, strong (with no insecurities at all), and able to deal with their emotional problems without help. Being a good friend, then, as well as needing a good friend, is the equivalent of being girly.

Katy Waldman thinks it’s also about gay panic: 

Wade doesn’t mention the rainbow elephant in the room, but I wonder whether men are less afraid of girliness here than homosexuality. In many ways, it’s a distinction without a difference, since homophobes tend to imagine gay men as effete.

Daisy Buchanan believes one solution is to battle the stigma against boys making friends with girls:

I don’t believe men are naturally wired to be any less intimate and caring than women are. But if young boys grow up in a world where they’re mocked for pursuing friendships with girls, and don’t see enough examples of friendships between older men, it’s going to cause huge problems for men and women later in life. Without a network of friends, boys are going to grow up to feel confused, lonely and alienated.

Personally, I think the American image of manliness is very fu*ked up.  Perhaps not surprisingly, I never fit the societal model and always found that, with a few exceptions, I usually had girls as my closest friends.  Being gay even though in the closet for decades possibly a part of the reason I did not fit the supposed idealized male stereotype.  I will say that since coming out, I have developed many more friendships with other males than in all the years prior to coming out.  

Blaming the Victims - Mental Health Issues in the LGBT Community

One of the favorite things the homo-haters like to do in their efforts to denigrate LGBT individuals is to cite the higher level of mental health issues that many gays are plagued with. Never mind that the number one cause of these issues stems not from being gay itself but rather from the living hell that all too many of us have experienced due to the discrimination and bigotry that we face daily. This malevolent reality arises from the anti-gay jihad of "godly Christians," the Roman Catholic Church, the Southern Baptist Convention, etc., and a host of professional Christian organizations whose principle stock in trade is the dissemination lies and untruths about gay individuals. Add to this constant barrage the fear of being disowned by family, the danger of being fired at will in the majority of the states in this country, and the lack of recognition and support for our relationships. All of which again is due to the efforts of the self-congratulatory religious folks in this country and the parasites who make a living stirring up anti-gay hate.

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The wonder is, in fact, that gays aren't even more messed up emotionally and psychologically than we are given the relentless attacks we face constantly. Personally, it took me years of therapy and two suicide attempts before I finally put this kind of poison behind me. Sadly, given the USA's still badly broken health care system, many LGBT individuals lack the medical insurance coverage that would allow them to seek professional help. While what I have just described applies to the USA, the phenomenon of increased mental health issues is not unique to America. In the UK, the award-winning gay lifestyle magazine, Attitude, is seeking to address the issue head on as reported by The Guardian. Here are some highlights:
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"It's a big taboo, we're expecting it to cause quite a stir," admits the editor of Britain's award-winning gay lifestyle magazine, Attitude. . . . The theme is the worryingly high rates of mental health and dependency problems among gay men.
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Evidence shows that gay men are more than twice as likely to attempt suicide. A research project at London's University College hospital found "significantly higher" rates of mental illness among gay men than their straight peers. "It's an incredibly sensitive issue that gay men are very defensive about," said Todd, "because we fought so long to say we're equal, we're happy with who we are. While that's true, we're are also suffering from the trauma of the journey, the isolation, the secrecy and the shame, and the resulting effect on your mental health that is more likely to happen to you if you grow up gay than if you grow up straight.
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"It's about low self-esteem and the self-hating gay man. But the time has come to find the strength to face it and realise that, while it's not our fault this has been inflicted on us, we do need to deal with it." For Todd, realising he was gay at the age of 10 sent him "freefalling into shame". "It was the beginning of the worst five years of my life. I feel for me then and for kids now totally let down by society. I should have been able to talk to my teacher, to my parents. I don't think many people really understand the trauma."
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The isolation begins in childhood. "They pick up on the fact that the parents are sensing there's something different too, and that's bad. The child is absorbing all this. Another level of shame. It's a painful thing for people to deal with. Not everyone comes out of the closet shouting hurray!"
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[A]s one gay blogger wrote: "The gay community is truly a wounded lot. In essence, young gay men have no role models in the home, no one to guide them through feelings of insecurity. They know deep down that they are different, but as young people tend to do, they don't view 'difference' in a positive, healthy light. They come to believe that they are inherently flawed, unlovable, second-class citizens."
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Things may be changing, but the damage inflicted by homophobia and growing up "different" has already been done for many gay men. "Homosexuality" was not taken off the list of psychiatric disorders until 1973, making it especially difficult for older gay men to reveal their sexuality to mental health providers, said Dominic Davies, director and founder of Pink Therapy, the UK's largest independent counselling organisation working with gender and sexual minority clients: "If you don't feel you can trust your doctor, you are not going to disclose to them.
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The result of living as a stigmatised minority is that you self-medicate." Tim Franks of the gay and lesbian charity Pace said mental health providers in Britain are blind to the problem. "Of the young people coming into our workshops, around one in four has already attempted suicide. They are isolated and in hiding almost, they don't know who the safe people are.
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Todd hopes Attitude will help gay men to tackle that question: "If there is a gay community, we need to look after people who are having a bad time. For the first time, we have concrete answers. If you have these issues, there's a way to deal with them."

Coming Out in Mid-Life - Seeking Light at the End of the Tunnel

Last week I did a post about the added challenges that I believe are involved in coming out in mid-life after years of marriage, children, etc. In the process, I shared some thoughts from a reader who likewise came out later in life after years of marriage. Subsequently, still another reader left the following comment:

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There are many times where I look back the last couple years and wonder why in the hell I did what I did.....this has been an incredibly stressful journey, some laughs, many many tears...anger...and all the other gamets of emotion that I had no idea I even had;....yes I am out, yes I am gay, yes I am single, would I do it again....I don't know....

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I understand this statement all too well. I shared such thoughts and feelings on many, many occasions along the path of my journey. What is so hard - and by saying this I in no way intend to slight the ordeal that coming out is at any age - is that one goes from a straight world full of acquaintances, neighbors, children events and activities and a circle of those who are at least outwardly friends, and a structure to one's life to suddenly a new world that is devoid of most of what one knew.

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It is a devastating situation in many ways and even though one likely could not continue to live on in the closet - I know I could not have done so - it is so very easy to look back and wonder why the decision was made to come out. It is truly a case of yearning in moments of darkness for a what was a dysfunctional situation. But at least in retrospect that lost life is recalled as familiar and safe. Especially compared to total new and uncharted waters where there is no clear picture of what life will bring.

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How does one survive these dark moments? It is not easy - of that I am certain - and it takes concerted effort. Two things that are critical in my view: (i) finding a good therapist and (ii) making gay friends. And by making gay friends I do NOT mean the bar crowd, although I am not adverse to going out dancing at clubs. My advice is to get involved in gay rights activities and organizations or political action groups. If you are a business owner or professional, seek out LGBT chambers of commerce and other venues where you can meet other gays who have the potential to become friends and even perhaps a romantic interest. The thing to remember is that YOU are the one who needs to take the initiative and seek out ways to connect and build a new social circle.

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With effort and patience (something that I am not very good at) it is possible to rebuild and move forward. While I am still plagued with post-divorce wars issues, in large part I HAVE achieved what I wanted when I first came out: to find a stable relationship with a wonderful guy with whom I could feel complete emotionally and on a soul to soul connection basis. While "Martha Stewart" as I call the boyfriend has her issues - I tell him he needs Midol on occasion - he is one of the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate people I have ever known. I teased my mother recently that I have not been as well taken care of since I left home to go to college.

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Coming out in mid-life is a special challenge, but it can be survived by taking one day at a time.