Last week I did a post about the added challenges that I believe are involved in coming out in mid-life after years of marriage, children, etc. In the process, I shared some thoughts from a reader who likewise came out later in life after years of marriage. Subsequently, still another reader left the following comment:*
There are many times where I look back the last couple years and wonder why in the hell I did what I did.....this has been an incredibly stressful journey, some laughs, many many tears...anger...and all the other gamets of emotion that I had no idea I even had;....yes I am out, yes I am gay, yes I am single, would I do it again....I don't know....
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I understand this statement all too well. I shared such thoughts and feelings on many, many occasions along the path of my journey. What is so hard - and by saying this I in no way intend to slight the ordeal that coming out is at any age - is that one goes from a straight world full of acquaintances, neighbors, children events and activities and a circle of those who are at least outwardly friends, and a structure to one's life to suddenly a new world that is devoid of most of what one knew.
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It is a devastating situation in many ways and even though one likely could not continue to live on in the closet - I know I could not have done so - it is so very easy to look back and wonder why the decision was made to come out. It is truly a case of yearning in moments of darkness for a what was a dysfunctional situation. But at least in retrospect that lost life is recalled as familiar and safe. Especially compared to total new and uncharted waters where there is no clear picture of what life will bring.
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How does one survive these dark moments? It is not easy - of that I am certain - and it takes concerted effort. Two things that are critical in my view: (i) finding a good therapist and (ii) making gay friends. And by making gay friends I do NOT mean the bar crowd, although I am not adverse to going out dancing at clubs. My advice is to get involved in gay rights activities and organizations or political action groups. If you are a business owner or professional, seek out LGBT chambers of commerce and other venues where you can meet other gays who have the potential to become friends and even perhaps a romantic interest. The thing to remember is that YOU are the one who needs to take the initiative and seek out ways to connect and build a new social circle.
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With effort and patience (something that I am not very good at) it is possible to rebuild and move forward. While I am still plagued with post-divorce wars issues, in large part I HAVE achieved what I wanted when I first came out: to find a stable relationship with a wonderful guy with whom I could feel complete emotionally and on a soul to soul connection basis. While "Martha Stewart" as I call the boyfriend has her issues - I tell him he needs Midol on occasion - he is one of the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate people I have ever known. I teased my mother recently that I have not been as well taken care of since I left home to go to college.
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Coming out in mid-life is a special challenge, but it can be survived by taking one day at a time.
2 comments:
True, Michael.
I came out at 35. My circle of friends was mainly straight, and while it certainly included gay men and women, that wasn't its focus.
We develop deep friendships through sharing important experiences in our lives--often school, military service, university, recreation, travel and work. Shoulder-to-shoulder experiences forge the strongest bonds. This is especially so for men, who share emotions by DOING things together, rather than TALKING together.
Those experiences, often, occur when you're young. If you want to gain friends as you come out in mid-life, you need to actively seek those experiences, or create them yourself.
That's why your suggestion of working with gay charities and organisations is such a good one. They are great sources of shared experience--the kind that makes friends for life.
I came out at 26. It took me (literally) half of my life to decide to finally fess up to friends. I came out to some friends on a trip to Vegas, and have been trying to come out to more and more people with every passing week.
It's been fun. It's also been a trial. I wish I'd done it years ago though. I regret not being "out" in college, or even high school.
When I came out at work, I actually advanced my career. When I came out to my parents, I caused significant grief and heartache. When I came out to my brother, I finally became a "real" person, and we grew closer.
I wouldn't take any of this back.
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