Recovering from Homophobia as Sexual Abuse

Anti-gay hate groups and misnamed "family values" organizations like to tell the larger public that gays suffer from more mental health issues than "normal" heterosexuals.  Of course, these same nasty groups and individuals conveniently ignore the fact that they do all in their power to malign, marginalize and keep gays legally inferior as citizens.  Being told that one is perverted, sinful, disgusting, and so on and depicted as diseased and a threat to society can and does take its toll even on the strongest individuals.  Through this blog, I get contacted frequently by closeted gay men who are trying to come to terms with their sexuality or by those who are recently out, but struggling with internalized homophobia.  More recently, I have even had wives contact me who are worried about the closeted husbands.  It is a daunting task to try to give advice, but what it often comes down to is that these gay men - and it applies to women too - need to let go of the poison with which they have been brainwashed.  A piece in 10 Thousand Couples looks at this problem and some means to over come it.  Here are excerpts:

Shame is a nearly universal experience for gay men.  Even if a gay man has not been sexually abused physically, his experience growing up in a homophobic culture can be considered a form of sexual abuse. 

The culture teaches every gay youth that something essential about their core sexual selves is different and, moreover, gross and weird.  The typical result of this teaching is that gay men believe it, even when they grow up and start to question its validity.

gay men often minimize the psychological impact of their experiences growing up gay.  There has been so much exciting recent progress in gay marriage equality that I believe it feeds a growing tendency to assume that our childhood exposure to humiliation is no longer an issue. 

I often hear “That happened long ago and I’m over it.”

Decades of psychological research have proven that our experiences growing up make a huge difference in our well-being.  The root cause of much of the anxiety and low self-esteem experienced by gay men can often be traced back to childhood experiences with homophobic parents, relatives, and classmates.

Uncovering and releasing each piece of internalized homophobia requires an ongoing commitment to your own self-observation and re-education.  Here are some suggestions that may help you stay on the path to recovery from your exposure to homophobia:

• Keep reading autobiographical books and essays by gay men so that you can see your life experiences validated by the experiences of others.  My current favorite is the 2011 book of essays by Ryan Van Meter entitled If You Knew Then What I Know Now.

• Start to notice when you disparage members of the gay community—or yourself—as being “too feminine.”  It is very easy to blindly accept the cultural teaching that femininity in men is bad.  But if you take the time to explore this, you’ll realize that this is just an arbitrary, manufactured cultural idea that has no basis in truth. 

• Join gay political groups like the Human Rights Campaign, Lambda Legal, or GLAAD and read their newsletters to raise your political consciousness and to help invoke your outrage at the injustice still levied at people simply for being gay.

• Continue searching for a group of gay friends who will validate and mirror your experiences.  Avoid bringing homophobic people into your social circle.  Their beliefs are toxic to your personal health. 

It is abusive to tell young people that their same-sex gender attraction is bad.  Like recovery from sexual abuse, the process of healing from these influences takes awareness, diligence, and support. 

Shame is a nearly universal experience for gay men.  Even if a gay man has not been sexually abused physically, his experience growing up in a homophobic culture can be considered a form of sexual abuse.
The culture teaches every gay youth that something essential about their core sexual selves is different and, moreover, gross and weird.  The typical result of this teaching is that gay men believe it, even when they grow up and start to question its validity.
- See more at: http://10thousandcouples.com/issue/october-2013/article/homophobia-as-sexual-abuse#sthash.HlzDrUXx.dpuf