When I get contacted by readers seeking advice on their coming out process one of the things that often becomes quickly apparent: like myself before I got over it, these individuals have internalized large amounts of homophobia which is causing them to feel shame and even disgust with themselves. While they have come to the realization that living in the closet simply isn't going to work for them any longer, they are having a horrific time letting go of the poison they have internalized in the form of religious based brainwashing/bigotry and the larger society condemnation of gays - something that while lessening can still be very powerful in many regions of the country. During my own coming out journey, letting go of the internalized homophobia that had been instilled in me largely by my Catholic upbringing was the first and perhaps the hardest part of the process. A piece I came across suggests that ridding gays of this internalized sense of shame and self-hate needs to be the next part of the larger LGBT movement. Here are excerpts:
[W]hile progress for LGBT equality has undoubtedly been made since his childhood, he says, there are still plenty of issues left unaddressed.
One in particular: internalized homophobia.
"It's something that's really well-known to anyone who's gay," he says, "but not many people in the mainstream world think about it. Most people don't even know what it is — and that's dangerous."
So, what is internalized homophobia?
If it sounds like a fancy clinical term, it's because it is. Definitions vary between therapists, but it generally refers to the internalization of a society's homophobic attitudes within lesbian, gay or bisexual people.
Researchers say it can correlate with a number of psychological and medical outcomes, including depression, shame, substance abuse and dangerous sexual behaviors.
For Thorpe, his environment shaped his internalized homophobia. The shame he felt, almost subconsciously, was a direct result of the "facts" against homosexuality he had been taught while growing up.
"You're impressionable when you're young. When I came to terms with my sexuality, I was trying to accept who I was," he says.
Matthew Weissman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C., works predominately with gay teens and adults. Most of his patients struggle with some form of internalized homophobia. Like Thorpe, the root cause is typically the home environment.
"People hear disparaging comments from friends, parents, political leaders," Weissman says. "The church, of course, creates a huge stigma against it — that one still affects a lot of people."
Geography plays a big role, too. For gay people living in communities where those stigmas still exist, he says, it's best to just move to a more progressive area. But it's not always an option — especially for teens and high schoolers.
"But I still had all these notions I'd been taught while growing up. It's easy to put aside those prejudices and acknowledge that that's all they are — but still, there's this lingering default feeling that sticks around. You can't just put that aside."
"When you're a social minority, it's so important to make contact with communities to avoid feeling isolated," he says. "That can't be stressed enough."
What can we do?
The solution is both easy and extremely challenging at the same time. For a social issue to change, the overall mindset needs a makeover. It's a tall order.
"The best thing is to identify the source of the stigma. I tell my patients to think: 'Who, or what, was it that made me feel this way for the first time?'" Weissman says. "Then go from there. If it's a certain group that you're still associated with, leave; if it's an organization, get out of it."
The Internet has definitely helped, he adds. It's easier to build communities online — an especially helpful tool for anyone who feels geographically constricted.
"If we want to end internalized homophobia, we need to first end homophobia," she says. "It's as simple as that."
The experts are right: if your church or family are the problem and refuse to accept you and modern knowledge, put distance between them and yourself. I have friends who are plagued with internalized homophobia and they refuse to stop attending toxic, anti-gay churches which continue to reinforce the internalized sense of shame and self-loathing. They worry about family acceptance too. Candidly, as a parent myself, any decent parent who truly loves their child will accept a gay child. If they won't then it's time to move on. The problem is theirs, not yours. One of the best things I did was to leave the poisonous Catholic Church. One of the other positives was getting involved in LGBT organizations where I was able to make many friends and learn that we are kind, good and decent people contrary to what the hate merchants preach. Remaining isolated can literally be deadly.
No comments:
Post a Comment