Coming Out to One's Anti-Gay Father

 

One thing that continues to strike me is the irony that many of the most vociferous homophobes are the parents of gay children, e.g., Phyllis Schlafly is but one example.  Another is Charles W. Socarides, M.D., the father of gay rights activist Richard Socarides.  The elder Socarides not only is anti-gay, but was a founder of NARTH, which continues to maintain that homosexuality is a form of mental illness that can be "cured" through psychotherapy despite the positions of every legitimate medical and mental health association.  Personally, I believe that the only mental illness involved is that on the part of parents who cannot accept their gay children, especially those like Schlafly who blame sexual orientation on poor parenting.  In The New Yorker Richard Socarides has an interesting article that looks at his situation with his father.  Here are highlights:

Ever since I first knew I was gay, which for me was early on—as a teenager—I have been conflicted about talking about my father and our relationship. By the time I was in high school and felt the first attraction to other boys, he was a renowned New York psychiatrist—Dr. Charles W. Socarides, M.D.—famous mostly for being an early proponent of the theory that homosexuality is a mental illness that can be cured through psychotherapy.

I was never interested in changing my sexual orientation. For some reason, despite my background, I always considered it a gift and just a part of who I was.

There were challenges. Often, especially before I was out of the closet, I felt I had to hide my sexual orientation in order to avoid the notoriety that would have accompanied such a disclosure by the son of one of the founders of so-called gay-conversion therapy.

As I became an advocate for gay rights, I wanted very much for that work to stand on its own, and not viewed in the context of my father’s reputation. I was also sometimes embarrassed for him, as his professional reputation became interconnected with a theory that was, over time, wholly discredited. And it was just plain irritating to be asked, over and over again, if I was related to that crazy anti-gay doctor (and to have to say yes). With this backdrop, it was difficult, over the years until his death in 2005, to hold on to the residual affection I had for him as just my dad.

I think that coming out is the strongest and most important political act any gay person can take. It lets others know who we are, and, as I learned in politics, if you personally know a gay person, it is harder to support any kind of discrimination against him or her.

I don’t think my coming out to my dad was harder or easier than anyone else’s. I didn’t come out to the founder of conversion therapy. I came out to my father.

Richard Socarides talks about his coming out to his dad here: