GALLUP: Americans Turn Increasingly Liberal On “Moral” Issues

With the news - OK, the legitimate news, which excludes Fox News - in a constant cycle of coverage of the lies of Donald Trump and the White House's efforts to sabotage the FBI investigation into Trump's possible, and in my view, likely, treason,  on a different note, a new Gallup poll underscores the fact that the Christofascists are losing the culture wars.  And losing them significantly.  On every issue dear to the Christofascists, the majority of Americans hold the opposite opinion.  On contraception, gay relationships and a number of issues, the Christofascists are in the distinct minority.  While perhaps having achieved a last gasp under the Trump/Pence misogyny, long term the prospects for the Christofascists are not good.  The poll results should also send a clarion call to the Republican Party that tying itself to Christofascists is not a wise political move.   Here are highlights from Gallup:

The leftward movement in perceptions of what is morally acceptable has been ongoing, with Gallup also noting shifts in 2014 and 2015. Since then, there have been additional, albeit slight, changes in a more permissive direction. All of the new highs this year are one or two percentage points above previous highs.

On an absolute basis, Americans are most likely to view birth control, divorce and sex between unmarried people as morally acceptable. At least two-thirds say each of these is OK.

Of the 19 issues included in this year's poll, 13 show meaningful change in a liberal direction over time, regardless of whether they are currently at their high point in Gallup's trend. No issues show meaningful change toward more traditionally conservative positions compared with when Gallup first measured them. That leaves six issues for which there has essentially been no change over time.

Some of the largest changes in opinion reflect a transformation in Americans' views about the institution of marriage and intimate relationships. Since the early 2000s, the percentage saying that gay or lesbian relations, having a baby outside of marriage, sex between an unmarried man and woman, and divorce are morally acceptable have increased by double digits.

Gallup has previously shown that Americans in all age groups have adopted more liberal views on these issues over time, but the changes have been proportionately greater among older Americans. Older Americans today are more accepting of same-sex relations and sex between unmarried people than older Americans at the turn of the century were. Still, older Americans today are not as likely as younger Americans to hold permissive views on these issues.

Not only is the more liberal outlook apparent in the perceived morality of issues, but it is also evident in the increasing percentage of Americans who describe themselves as liberal on social issues.

A Homophobic Double Standard for Gay May-December Relationships?

In the interest of full disclosure, my first long term boyfriend was 22 years younger than me.  It lasted for three years and ended badly, but not because of the age difference.  The husband - who is four years younger than me - and I know several very happy couples where there is a significant age difference.  Yet, seemingly such couples face a double standard all too often compared to heterosexual couples where financially successful men often ditch their first wife for a so-called trophy wife.  There were several such couples in my old neighborhood in Virginia Beach. Think of the reaction from some to the relationship of Tom Daley and Lance Black.  And now, the same homophobia snark is revealing itself over the planned marriage of comedian Stephen Fry, 57, and 27-year-old comedian Elliot Spencer.  A piece in The Daily Beast looks at this unfortunate double standard.  Here are highlights:

When news broke earlier this week that British actor and comedian Stephen Fry, 57, is now engaged to 27-year-old comedian Elliot Spencer, homophobic social media users suddenly decided they should try to be comedians, too. There have already been innumerable and equally unfunny variations on the joke that Spencer looks young enough to be Fry’s son, as Hannah Jane Parkinson relays on the Guardian. (And yes, someone has already called Spencer a “Small Fry,” har har.) The Internet reaction took an even darker turn when “Stephen Fry disgusting” reportedly trended on Twitter for a brief time following the announcement.

In the media, the couple’s age gap has been treated less like a scandal and more like a spectacle, with headlines predictably highlighting Spencer’s youth. The major outlets have remained more or less respectful beyond these gawking headlines but, as the Advocate reports, tabloid and entertainment sites have taken a more sensationalistic approach which has only been amplified by their comments sections, where people have been calling Fry a “pedophile,” a “pervert,” and a “dirty old man.”

If it’s not obvious by now, the outsized reaction to Fry and Spencer’s age gap is deeply homophobic. Plenty of straight men—especially famous straight men—have wives that are decidedly their juniors: Harrison Ford is 22 years older than Calista Flockhart, Michael Douglas is 25 years older than Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Clint Eastwood is a whopping 35 years older than his ex-wife. George Clooney’s paramours, too, have waxed ever younger over the years. Sure, these Hollywood May-December relationships are surrounded by plenty of hubbub about “trophy wives” and “gold-digging,” but no one thinks that Clint Eastwood is a pedophile just because he married a much younger woman. However much we gossip about heterosexual couples with large age gaps, we at least refrain from calling them sex offenders.

The news of Fry’s engagement, on the other hand, has done nothing but stoke the flames of a particularly virulent brand of homophobia that sees male homosexuality as a synonym for pedophilia and pederasty.
University of California at Davis psychology professor Gregory M. Herek has meticulously documented (and discredited) the history of this unfounded association.  . . . . Today, it continues to circulate freely on the far Right.

When Bradley Cooper, now 40, started dating the now 23-year-old model Suki Waterhouse, the Daily Mirror called them “the sweetest celebrity couple ever” and repeated the old adage that “age is but a number.” This same outlet worked the phrase “engagement to toyboy lover” into the headline of their article on Fry. What happened to true love knows no boundaries and all that?

[F]ew gay eyebrows seem to be rising, likely because large age gaps are relatively common among same-sex couples. A Facebook study from last year found that both gay and lesbian couples tend to have much higher age gaps than their heterosexual counterparts with the difference—or the age gap gap—widening as people leave college and start new relationships in adulthood. The reasons for a gay age gap are as varied as the couple. For some, it’s about finding stability and maturity. For others, it’s simply about accepting love wherever you find it.

As always seems to be the case, gays face a different standard that do heterosexuals.  One can only hope for the day when we are all judged by one standard. 

Belgian Catholic Bishop Advocates Church Recognition of Gay Relationships

The Roman Catholic Church has always lead up the rear guard resisting social change be it in terms of contraception, women's rights, divorce, and, of course, gay rights. And in every instance, the Vatican's intransigence to change has cost the Church membership.  It's not without reason that so many raised as Catholics sever their relationship with the Church.  Gay rights and gay marriage are but the latest issue to pit the bitter old men in Rome against the views of the younger generations and parents and family members who simply no longer will stand for the Church's denigration of their  gay children, siblings, etc.  Bishop Johan Bonny of Antwerp, Belgium (pictured above), seemingly understands the corrosive and suicidal element that the Church's opposition to gays poses.  His solution? The needs to give ecclesiastical recognition to gay relationships.  Here are highlights from the National Catholic Reporter:

Bishop Johan Bonny of Antwerp, Belgium, has called for ecclesiastical recognition of gay relationships, according to an interview published in De Morgen, a Belgian newspaper, on Dec. 27.  The official teaching that the Catholic church can recognize only male-female committed relationships has to change, Bonny said.

 "There should be recognition of a diversity of forms," he said. "We have to look inside the church for a formal recognition of the kind of interpersonal relationship that is also present in many gay couples. Just as there are a variety of legal frameworks for partners in civil society, one must arrive at a diversity of forms in the church. … The intrinsic values are more important to me than the institutional question. The Christian ethic is based on lasting relationships where exclusivity, loyalty, and care are central to each other."

Bonny made headlines in September when he issued a letter to the Vatican in preparation for the Synod on the family in October. At that time, Bonny stressed that the church urgently needs to connect with contemporary society, showing more respect for homosexuality, divorced people and modern kinds of relationships.

“In his or her life,” he said, “everyone has to deal with relationships, friendship, family, and children's education. We should not deny that dealing with these issues within the church has brought injuries and traumas. Too many people were excluded for a long time."

Bonny stressed openness, the need for further reflection and the danger of getting wrapped up in a complex ideological discussion. He stressed as well that he is a strong advocate for recognizing a diversity of relationships that arise from serious reflection on practical pastoral realities.

Professor Rik Torfs, canon law expert and rector of the Catholic University of Leuven, warned that one should not minimize Bonny’s approach.

"Do not underestimate the significance of this,” he said. “Bonny advocates a change from principles long held as unshakable, something no bishop could have done under the dogmatic pontificates of Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI."

Most observers see him becoming the next archbishop (and cardinal) of the Malines-Brussels archdiocese, when the incumbent, Archbishop André-Joseph Léonard, offers the pope his letter of retirement, at age 75, in May.

Perhaps driving Bonny's call for change is the reality that not a single priest was ordained for Antwerp in 2012, 2013, or 2014.

China’s Sexual Revolution - Refinding Its Past and Rejecting Christian Puritanism

Among the many untruths constantly regurgitated by the Christofascists is the claim that marriage has throughout recorded history been one man and one woman.  The Old Testament its self shows that this claim is a lie since polygamy, not monogamy was the norm and marriage might better be described one man and numerous women at a time.  A parallel lie is that homosexuality is unnatural and that no nation has survived that ever accepted homosexuality.  This story line comes most often from upstart pastors and/or first or second generation of professional Christians ironically from a nation a mere 236 years in existence.  For comparison, ancient Rome existed for nearly three times this time span and in Russia the Romanov family alone ruled for more than 300 years.

Sadly, the truth never seems to be a high ideal with conservative Christians who rewrite history to fit their fascist like agenda (hence my use of the term Christoifascists).  In reality, outside of possibly ancient Israel which wanted to mark itself as different from all other cultures, same sex relations have been accepted universally among disparate groups ranging from the classical Greeks and Romans, the ancient Persian Empire, to Native American tribes to the Far East, including China.  Indeed, it is only where Christianity - in many ways a repackaged version of the ancient Mythras beliefs mixed with a large dose of extremism from the Old Testament's Leviticus thanks largely to St. Paul - and its Abrahamic cousin, Islam, have gone that same sex relations have come to be condemned.  

Thus it is interesting that increasingly - outside of backward and ignorant areas such as equatorial Africa, where extremist versions of Christianity are flourishing with the help of American Christofascists - many older cultures are belatedly discovering that anti-gay rhetoric and Christianity based puritanism are the imported customs and mores.  A case in point is China, which is undergoing a sexual revolution.  A new book, Behind the Red Door : Sex in China, looks at this phenomen.  Here are highlights from a review in the Los Angeles Review of Books:

But the book’s greatest strength is in carving out a distinctive story for China — and showing that analogies to the Western 1960s sexual revolution are misleading. The Chinese are not so much shedding the mantle of history, Burger illustrates, as they are rediscovering their country’s past. And that past includes a sexual openness that puts the West to shame.
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Beginning as early as the 400s BCE, Daoist sex manuals instructed men, in minute detail, how to prolong ejaculation while bringing a woman to multiple orgasms.

That nonjudgmental attitude extended to homosexuality as well. In the Daoist view, sex between men was not so much morally wrong as pointless, as it did not facilitate the accumulation of precious qi. Sex between women, meanwhile, was implicitly condoned. Roughly half of the emperors of the Han dynasty (206 BCE–220 AD) kept young male lovers — a fact we know because imperial scribes dutifully recorded their affairs in works like Biographies of the Emperors’ Male Favorites. Such tolerance prevailed up through the Ming dynasty (1368–1644), when artists produced sex scrolls depicting intercourse between men.

To be sure, Chinese history was not without spells of prudishness. Eras in which the Confucian emphasis on hierarchy and control trumped the Daoist interest in nature were generally not great for sexual freedom. A reactionary swing in the early Ming dynasty brought with it the burning of erotic novels and woodblocks. And yet, Burger shows, the pendulum most often rested on sexual openness. Once the conservative spell had passed, the erotic literature industry again flourished.

It was only in the second half of the 19th century, as Western values seeped into China following the Opium Wars, that puritanism became more entrenched.  .  .  .  . Mao took this notion to a new level after 1949, stamping out prostitution and mandating an androgynous, sexless style of dress, even as he himself maintained stables of mistresses.

The irony is that by the time Deng Xiaoping initiated the economic reforms that would usher in sexual openness, licentiousness had been rebranded as Western “spiritual pollution.” The initial government line on HIV was that it had been brought to China by foreigners. Ditto homosexuality; for years, official lore held that China had no gay or lesbian people. So much for Biographies of the Emperors’ Male Favorites.

As Chinese embrace their rediscovered sexual freedom, the notion that carnality is a foreign import is an increasingly difficult sell. Beginning in 1993, the government allowed the establishment of sex stores, provided they maintained an ostensibly medical focus. Employees at Adam and Eve, the first establishment in Beijing, wore white lab coats and counseled customers on cures for erectile dysfunction. Today, China is reportedly home to 200,000 sex stores, and dried deer penis and other traditional medicines have been supplemented by lifelike sex dolls and French maid costumes.

But as an explanation of the dueling forces within Chinese society, Behind the Red Door is spot-on. Among the book’s more delicious details is the list of seven categories of sex worker devised by Chinese police in the 1990s.   .  .  .  .  And yet the list also suggests a certain innocence — a pragmatic approach to sex in a culture where it has been intermittently criminalized but not indelibly branded as immoral, a culture that will never have the same tortured relationship to contraception, or gay sex, or sexual fantasy that we do in the United States.

Why Are the Christianists So Afraid of Love?

I came across this video which is in Spanish with subtitles (skip the initial advertisement) which makes me ponder once again as to why the Christianists are so terrified of same sex love. Is it because of their own damaged psychological/emotional state? Or is it because their house of cards like faith cannot withstand anything that suggests that the Bible passages cited to condemn us might just be wrong?  Because obviously, if those passages are wrong, then they must confront the reality that much more in the Bible is likely wrong as well.  Love is love and in this troubled world, love should be celebrated.

Finally Headed to Europe

Some readers have asked where I am currently - I'm in Norfolk this morning and then the boyfriend and I and two friends (another gay couple) fly out to Barcelona a little after noon today. Yesterday was chaos at the office trying to get things done before my departure and naturally just to make things a major pain in the you know where the main copier/scanner/ fax machine decides to go down. I'm headed tot he office extra earlier to meet the repair folks, get some more closing documents signed and then off to the airport to meet the boyfriend and our friends who will take my luggage to the airport with them. I will definitely need an adult beverage by the time I get on the plane!

This trip is my gift to the boyfriend as a "thank you" for all he's put up with over the last 3+ years - the last drama of my contentious divorce, other family issues, including the loss of my mother, and the stress of having a solo practice in this economy - and for being a sweetheart in general although he does have his "yes, mein fuhrer" moments when he's not being "Martha Stewart."

We finished packing late last night, the house sitter/dog sitter arrangements are in place, I have back up arranged for my office staff, and hopefully after this morning we can escape for a needed break. As noted yesterday, I will try to post on the trip as we do a loop around the western Mediterranean on the Liberty of the Seas.

Gay Relationships: The Abusive Partner

I frequently get contacted by closeted gays who are married to women and/or in the coming out process who seek advice. I feel at times it's a case of the blind leading the blind for me to give such individuals advice, especially since so much of a coming out journey is specific to one's own circumstances. I also hear at times from those in relationships that clearly are not working - especially if physical violence is involved. I recently received such an inquiry and thought it would be of possible help to re-post something I wrote over two and a half years ago while I was single and myself recovery from an abusive relationship that had ultimately escalated to physical violence. For what it's worth, here's a post from March 2008 which still contains what I believe is thought provoking advice:
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Thanks to a heads up by my friend Vanyel over at If You Could Read My Mind, I saw an great post over at GayTwogether looking at abusive same sex relationships. The information is both on point and something that gays need to be aware of. Abuse in relationships is not limited to straight men abusing their wives. It happens in our community too - I know from personal experience - and is not something that can ever be excused. No one should have to live in fear and if that is a major aspect of your relationship, the only safe thing to do is end it. It will not be easy, but you deserve better and truly have no other choice. I recommend a read of the full post, but here are some highlights: *
No one deserves to be abused! Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate. The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner. The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow his fault, or could have been avoided if he knew what to do.
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ABUSE INCLUDES BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO:

Physical Abuse - hitting; choking; slapping; burning; shoving; using a weapon; physically restraining; intentional interference with basic needs (e.g. food, medicine, sleep)
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Isolation: Restricting Freedom - controlling contacts with friends and family, access to information and participation in groups or organizations; locking up in a room / restricting mobility; monitoring telephone calls
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Psychological & Emotional Abuse - constantly criticizing, ridiculing (self, family, friends, past); trying to humiliate or degrade; lying; undermining self-esteem; misleading someone about the norms and values of the gay/lesbian communities in order to control or exploit them

Stalking / Harassing Behavior - following; turning up at workplace or house; parking outside; repeated phone calls or mail to victim and/or family, friends, colleagues
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Threats & Intimidation - threatening to harm partner, self or others (children, family, friends, pets); threatening to make reports to authorities that jeopardize child custody, immigration or legal status; threatening to disclose HIV status, threatening to reveal sexual orientation to family, friends, neighbors, and/or employers
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Economic Abuse - controlling or stealing money; fostering dependency; making financial decisions without asking or telling partner
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Sexual Abuse/Harassment - forcing sex or specific acts, pressuring into unwanted sexual behavior, criticizing performance.

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ASPECTS OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS:

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Abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser and is always a choice.
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Victims are often blamed for the abuse by partners, and sometimes even family, friends and professionals can excuse or minimize the abusive behavior.
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It is difficult for victims to leave abusive relationships.
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Abuse is not an acceptable or healthy way to solve difficulties in relationships, regardless of orientation.
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Victims feels responsible for their partner's violence and their partner's emotional state, hoping to prevent further violence.
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Abuse usually worsens over time.
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The abuser is often apologetic after abusing, giving false hope that the abuse will stop.
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Some or all of the following effects of abuse may be present: shame, self-blame, physical injuries, short and long-term health problems, sleep disturbances, constantly on guard, social withdrawal, lack of confidence, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of hopelessness, shock, and dissociative states.
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WHAT TO DO IF YOU'RE BEING ABUSED:
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Recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse.
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Recognize that violence/abuse is not likely to stop on its own - episodes of violence usually become more frequent and more severe.
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It is important to break the silence. Try to tell someone who will believe you.
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Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse and is gay positive. A gay male counselor with the above qualities may help you address the pertinent issues of abuse with more comfort and focus.
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Only you can decide what to do about your relationship - whether to stay or leave is your decision. However, it is important to develop a safety plan in case your safety is in jeopardy such as:
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A safe place to stay; emergency phone numbers; some money; your own bank account; post office box; and bag of essentials.
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WHAT TO DO IT YOU'RE THE ABUSER:
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Stop being abusive. Stop using abuse of any form (physical, sexual, verbal or emotional), including threats and intimidation.
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Accept responsibility for your behavior. Remember that the use of violence in any form is always a choice that you make.
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Do not make excuses for your violence or blame your partner for your abusive behavior.
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Recognize that assaultive behavior is unacceptable and is a criminal act.
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Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse and is gay positive. A gay male counselor may help you address the pertinent issues of abuse with more comfort and focus.
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Alcohol, drug use or mental health problems are not excuses for abusive behavior. Seek appropriate help for these problems.
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Pacific Pride Foundation has more information here.

Gays In Brazil Can Claim Partners on Tax Returns

In another example of the USA falling further behind other countries in the Western Hemisphere, pursuant to an attorney general ruling, same sex couples in Brazil will be able to claim partners as dependants as long as they meet the same requirements for heterosexual couples. True, it's not as good as the rights that same sex couples would have from marriage, but its a damn sight ahead of the USA which continues to enshrine religious discrimination in its laws - even as it falsely proclaims itself to be a beacon of freedom and religious liberty. O Globo has details on the ruling and how same sex couples can register their relationships for tax purposes. Oh, and also note Brazil's position of pension benefits and adoption. While the translation that follows is a bit rough, here are highlights on what's happening in Brazil:
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BRASILIA - Gay couples can declare their partner as a dependent of the Income Tax (IR), provided they meet the same requirements established by law for heterosexuals with stable, like living together for five years. The IRS may require the taxpayer to verify the information.
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The ruling will be published Friday in the Official Gazette by an opinion of the Attorney General of the National Treasury. The document was approved by the minister, Guido Mantega. It is expected that Revenue will make public Friday where this type of declaration will be filed and accepted.
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Brazil does not recognize the stable union between persons of the same sex, but the courts - and now the executive branch - have given to same sex relationships the same legal treatment given to heterosexual couples.
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Last month, the Attorney General's Office acknowledged that stable homosexual unions gives the right to receive pension benefits for private sector workers.
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The Superior Court of Justice in 2008, supported the inclusion of a same-sex partners in the health plan of the other partner. And in April this year, the Superior Court of Justice approved the adoption of a child by a homosexual couple.

The Perverse Attraction of "Ex-Gay" Ministries

Anyone who has read this blog for any period of time knows that I am a vocal opponent of fraudulent "ex-gay" programs that are oft times financially lucrative for those who run them and which provide a political staple to the enemies of LGBT equality under the civil laws since the programs give cover to the false claim that sexual orientation is a choice and changeable. Indeed, my first venture into activism involved aiding Wayne Besen in exposing high profile "ex-gay" Michael Johnston (pictured above) as a fraud who was sleeping around the Hampton Roads area under an assumed name. Since that time every legitimate medical and mental health association has stated that there is no evidence that these programs work and the APA has now labeled reparative therapy unethical. Yet these programs continue, often funded directly and indirectly by some of the leading anti-gay professional Christian organizations. So why do individuals submit themselves to these snake oil programs? Some obviously due to parental and family pressure. Others because religious indoctrination pressures them to attempt the impossible and "change" their sexual orientation. And others, as Timothy Kincaid notes at Box Turtle Bulletin, because they are unhappy and blaming their unhappiness on being gay is a convenient way to avoid dealing with other personal and psychological problems. For such individuals, ex-gay programs are only too happy to use anti-gay stereotypes to take advantage of the situation. Part of the blame too lies with the gay community which too often gives the appearance that promiscuity is the norm for all gays. Further compounding the problem is the quest of Christianists to block legal recognition of gay relationships and thus deprive gays of the stability and benefits of marriage. Here are highlights from Kincaid's post:
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It can be hard to understand the reasons why someone would go into the ex-gay movement. Those who are less familiar with the phenomenon tend to think that it is a matter of guilt or shame that drives gullible people to try and change their orientation. Others think that it is oppressive parents and family, a culture that is homophobic or a church that puts pressure on an impressionable youth. And, yes those are reasons.
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But it isn’t just that simple. There are others who go looking for help from an ex-gay ministry in desperation because their life is in chaos and they don’t know what else to do. Their own personal circumstances are so out of control that they need help.

It is only natural to look for a cause for our unhappiness. It’s my job or my girlfriend or my financial situation and if only it would change then I could really be happy. For some gay people they look at their chaos and think “if only I weren’t gay!” This week I heard from one such person. . . . Here is a synopsis of what happened.
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… for many years I was a sex addict till this day I am a recovering sex addict. By the grace of God I am sober. The sex addiction kept me in chains and I wasn’t able to experience true freedom until I dealt with that subject. I thought that being gay I had to sleep with as many men as possible, but that wasn’t the case. I thought it was what all gay men wanted and that’s not how I wanted to live. So I kept going back and forth from being ex-gay to gay. I would get tired of being gay because of the addiction and I would then run to the church. When I couldn’t stand trying to be straight I would give up get depressed and end up in the hospital for suicidal thoughts and depression.
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I entered rehab this past year and it was the best thing for me. I was able to really face the addiction and can happily say that I have been sober for over 90 days. When I refer to being sober for me it is not having anonymous sex. Sex sobriety is such a fine line and everyone must define their own bottom line behavior. Mine is no sex out of a committed loving relationship.
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I’m writing this because I am hoping that someone can benefit from my story. That someone can be saved from the heartache and pain that I went through.
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One of the memes of ex-gay ministry is that the ‘homosexual lifestyle’ is destructive, demeaning, and damaging. My friend’s story of sexual addiction did not seem peculiar or out of the norm, it was just what it’s like ‘in the gay life.’ At his ex-gay ministry, he was bound to hear confirmation of this idea.
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And it makes sense. If you are living a life full of contentment and meaning and you have someone to love and who cares for you, you aren’t as likely to go looking for a way to become heterosexual. If you aren’t miserable, then you aren’t looking for something on which to blame your misery. So naturally, “life of desperation” is the norm as experienced for many ex-gays.
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But we as a community play our part in the confusion. Far too often we act as though getting the next hot guy is what it means to be gay (women do this less) and confirm these ideas.
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I don’t know the solution. But I hope we as a community of individuals can mature to where we provide more messages of substance and meaning – find a way to more frequently remind ourselves and the more vulnerable members of our community (including those still in ex-gay ministries) that sex really isn’t what defines us. Being gay is not where you put your penis, it’s where you put your heart.

Episcopal Committee Is Working on Gay Rite

In a move that will send the Neanderthal elements of the Anglican Communion into full apoplexy, a committee of the Episcopal Church USA is working to develop a rite for same sex couples seeking Church blessing of their relationships. Frankly, I can already envision the spittle flying in Nigeria, Uganda and other nutcase corners of the Anglican Communion where all kinds of things are overlooked - e.g., polygamy, Archbishops who are suspected of ordering massacres, etc - and only gays get condemned on a daily basis. Hypocrisy is very much alive and well in this pockets of hatred with which break away elements of the Episcopal Church (and local GOP politicians like Scott Rigell) are aligning themselves. Here are some highlights from the New York Times:
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Armed with a new $400,000 grant and the support of the Episcopal Church, a Berkeley seminary is convening priests from across the country to craft the liturgical rite for same-sex couples to receive religious blessings.
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The new rite, which will take years to complete, will most likely consist of a series of original prayers, Bible readings and two essays: one on the theological meaning of same-sex blessings, and one advising priests who administer the new rite. If approved, the new blessing would be just the third addition to Episcopal liturgy since 1979.
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“This is very significant,” said the Rev. Ruth Meyers, chairwoman of the church’s Standing Commission on Liturgy and Music, who is heading the effort. “It does acknowledge a fuller participation of gays and lesbians in the life of the church.”
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Most of the grant money will finance travel and accommodations for a series of meetings to garner contributions from all 110 Episcopal dioceses, most in the United States. An official blessing would formalize what has long been an unofficial practice at some dioceses across the country. Unofficial blessings have taken place in Bay Area churches since at least the 1980s.
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But not all Episcopalians support adding the blessing. “Doing this will cause great fracturing and great pain,” said the Rev. Canon Kendall Harmon of the Diocese of South Carolina. “It represents a willful American embrace of something that the Anglican Communion has said is out of bounds.”
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“We’re taking this as an opportunity to offer these resources to the whole church,” Mr. Johnson said, “not just for the sake of gay and lesbian couples but as an opportunity for everybody to reflect theologically on what it means to be in a committed relationship.”
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I firmly believe that history is on the side of the pro-gay leadership of the Episcopal Church and that in time folks like Canon Harmon will be looked back upon with the same disdain as racists and segregationists.

Paul Mayén: Fallingwater’s Lesser-Known Architect

Almost a year ago the boyfriend and I visited Fallingwater, one of Frank Lloyd Wright's most famous residential projects, while in southwestern Pennsylvania for the boyfriend's family reunion. As I noted in a post last August, one thing that isn't mentioned during the tour of the home is that Edgar Kaufmann, Jr., who inherited the house upon death of his parents, was gay. The tour guides only note that "he never married." Thanks to a recent comment from a reader, I was provided with some information about "the rest of the story" as Paul Harvey used to say. It turns out that in many ways Edgar Kaufmann, Jr., did "marry" - or at least to the extent most of us in the American LGBT community still find ourselves "marrying" our life partners. Kaufmann met Paul Mayén (pictured above) in the early 1950's and the two spent their lives together thereafter until Kaufmann's death more than 30 years later in 1989. What's even crazier is that the visitor center/pavilion at Fallingwater (the cafe is shown in the photo below) was designed by Kaufmann, Jr."s partner, Paul Mayén. It is sad that in this day and age, false "family values" still continue to hide gay achievements and relationships. Here is some information that provides the rest of the story:
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Frank Lloyd Wright may have designed Fallingwater in the 1930s, but it was Paul Mayén (5/1918-11/2000) who designed its gift shop. Both structures host over 130,000 architectural devotees and laymen every year. Both structures are internationally recognized for how seamlessly they blend into their environments. Both men were artists and architects and shared many of the same friends. But while Wright has achieved an almost-movie-star-like fame, Paul Mayén remains practically unknown...
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In the early 1950s, he met a fellow art student, Edgar Kaufmann, Jr., with whom he would share his life until Edgar’s death in 1989. Edgar’s father was the founder of Kaufmann’s department store in Pittsburgh; it was his father who commissioned Wright to build the now-famous vacation house for his friends and family near a waterfall in rural Pennsylvania. Wright, exceeding the original budget by almost a factor of ten, instead designed and built Fallingwater over the waterfall. In 1955, Edgar inherited the property and Paul and he visited the site together on mountain retreats until the property was entrusted to a conservation in 1963.
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In 1956, the couple assisted I.N. and Bernadine Hagan in choosing the furniture for the Hagan’s Frank Lloyd Wright house at the architect’s suggestion. In 1959, Paul designed the jacket of a book about Wright, Drawings for a Living Architecture, which was edited by Giuseppe Samonà.
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In 1975, he built a country house for them in Garrison, New York. From 1979 to 1981, he oversaw the building of the Fallingwater pavilion which houses a café, gift store, and visitor’s center. When Edgar Jr. died, Paul scattered his ashes at Fallingwater. He died in 2000 and also had his ashes scattered there.
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Sadly, even Edgar Kaufmann, Jr.'s obituary -while mentioning Mayén as Kaufmann's "longtime colleague and companion" ends with the sentence "There are no survivors."

The Christianist Obsession with Gay Sex

As I have noted before, our enemies among the self-anointed Christianist ranks at first appearance have a bizarre obsession with gay sex. Gays are defined solely by how and with whom we have sex. Emotional bonds, common hopes and aspirations - indeed love - are all utterly removed from the equation. Why? Two reasons I suspect. First, by keeping gays a stereotyped one dimensional image, it is so much easier to demonize us and engage in demagoguery in front of unsophisticated and ignorant audiences. It's a very deliberate and calculated approach intended to dehumanize us and stamp out potential sympathy based on our common humanity. The second reason? Because closeted homophobes like Ed Schrock and now Roy Ashburn dwell - or so it seems - on quick sex with no emotional connect because of their own self-loathing. They project their own distorted emotional hang ups onto all of us who have come to terms with how God made us fir whatever reason. A column in the Washington Post looks at the phenomenon. While I do not agree with all of it, it sheds light on this sexual obsession of self-righteous and judgmental "church people." Here are some highlights:

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Whenever I read about the latest public controversy about gays in church, military, or courthouse, I realize that very personal and painful struggles are going on behind the scenes - not just for gay people, but for those who know and love them. I know, because I've been there.
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Since I come from an Evangelical background, most of my good friends sincerely and passionately hold the strict conservative view on homosexuality with which we all were raised. They can't understand why I don't stand side by side with them on this issue any more.
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As a pastor, I walked this path. Through the years, a steady stream of church members, their children, and their guests made appointments with me, each of which began with almost the same words: "I've never told anyone this before, but ...." All my life I had been told that homosexuality was simply a sinful choice, a yielding to an especially evil temptation. (Back in the 1980s, this was the standard explanation in my circles.) But not one of the people I met fit that explanation.
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As contrary evidence mounted, I began to wonder which was the anomaly and which was the norm - what I had been taught by authority figures I loved and respected, or what I was seeing in people I also loved and respected? About then, the authority figures in my tradition modified their position: yes, there was a homosexual orientation that was unchosen. Being gay was no longer simply an evil choice.
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Over time, I came to a resolution (which I explain in the book) through which I felt I could, in good faith, be true to God, the Bible, and to my gay neighbors, friends, relatives, and colleagues. . . . "the issue" [of gays] will continue to be used to win elections and create voting blocs and headlines. Meanwhile, I will continue to be remember that behind the clamor, private dramas are playing out in agonized prayers and secret tears behind more closed doors than most people imagine. Whatever your position on the issue, I think these personal struggles are worth keeping in mind.

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The reality is that we are just as fully human as our enemies and we have hopes, aspirations and yes, deep love. The very thought of this truth scares the Hell out of our enemies. We need to continue to show ourselves as we are and help kill the deceitful stereotype used to try to define us.

Ancient Gay Lovers - in Africa

As a history lover one of the things that drives me crazy with the Christianists is their total disregard for true historic facts and never ending endeavors to re-write history to match up with their theocratic agenda. A case in point is the efforts of homophobic Christianists in Uganda and other parts of East Africa to depict homosexuality as something "imported from the West." Unfortunately, too many of their countryman know apparently little or no history and are easily duped by such fabricated stories. I stumbled across something this morning via GayAgenda and Living on the Real that highlights the ridiculousness and disingenuousnress of this false story line. The truth is that homosexuality has a long history on the African continent going back at least 4,400 years. As Living on the Real notes:

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Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum are considered the to be the first same-sex couple in recorded history. Considering they were brothers; which was very common in ancient times, they signify the starting history of gay culture.
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Once again those pesky facts get in the way of the Christianists revisionist story line, suggesting yet again that if the lips of a professional Christian are moving, most likely they are lying. They seem to think they has a self-granted exemption from the Commandment against lying and bearing false witness. Wikipedia has this on the ancient gay couple:
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Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum were ancient Egyptian royal servants and are believed to be brothers and probably twins.[They shared the title of Overseer of the Manicurists in the Palace of King Niuserre during the Fifth Dynasty of Egyptian pharaohs, circa 2400 B.C., and are listed as "royal confidants" in their joint tomb. They are considered to be the first recorded same-sex couple in history.
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The tomb of Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum was discovered by Egyptologist Ahmed Moussa in the necropolis at Saqqara, Egypt in 1964, during the excavation of the causeway for the pyramid of King Unas. It is the only tomb in the necropolis where men are displayed embracing and holding hands. In addition, the men's chosen names (both theophorics to the creator-god Khnum) form a linguistic reference to their closeness: Niankhkhnum means "joined to life" and Khnumhotep means "joined to the blessed state of the dead'" and together the names can be translated as "joined in life and joined in death"[5]
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In a banquet scene, Niankhkhnum and Khnumhotep are entertained by dancers, clappers, musicians and singers; in another, they oversee their funeral preparations. In the most striking portrayal, the two embrace, noses touching, in the most intimate pose allowed by canonical Egyptian art, surrounded by what would appear to be their heirs.

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Of course, many other parts of the ancient world also had same sex couples and relationships including but by no means limited to Ancient Greece and Rome, Persia, and East Asia. To say that homosexuality is a western import to Africa is categorically untrue.

Dissolving Same Sex Relationships - Tips For A Smoother Breakup

While I do not handle regular divorce or family law matters in my law practice, I have come to represent on a number of occasions one of the partners in LGBT relationship who are splitting up and in need of sorting out their frequently intertwined assets, preferably with as little animosity and hatred as possible. In fact, I am representing two such clients currently. Since same sex relationships in Virginia receive zero recognition, ownership rights in and the methods for the dissolution of gay and lesbian relationships usually come down to issues of contract and property law, with a jointly titled residence generally being the issue that leads to legal warfare. Although jointly titled investment accounts, vehicles and other items can bubble to the surface and create conflict as well.

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One way to avoid battles over a co-owned residence is to have a written - and preferably recorded - agreement that spells out what will happen if the couple splits. Given the number of gays in the military in this area it is even possible to have such agreements drafted in a manner that make them appear to an outside party as nothing more than a joint ownership/investment agreement with buy-sell options and/or rights of first refusal. Thus, they do not create a possible trigger under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Sadly, most couples do not take these types of precautions and so the battle begins as the relationship falls apart. The New York Times has a story that looks at "pre-coupling" measures that can be taken to make a potential split down the road easier and perhaps even less hostile. Here are some highlights:

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[W]e asked several experts on same-sex issues what gay couples need to think about before legally partnering, and what they’ll probably need to consider should they decide to split:
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Get it in writing. Even though prenuptial agreements or domestic-partner agreements can be contested and may not be enforceable in some states, they can be useful in outlining how assets should be divided in the event of a split, especially if a couple doesn’t have access to divorce court. “Those documents often do clarify intentions and create enforceable obligations,” said Jennifer Pizer, director of Lambda Legal’s national marriage project.
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You can also get creative, said Joyce Kauffman, a lawyer in Cambridge, Mass., with a same-sex clientele, and “put language in it that says if we are not able to divorce, wherever we live, we want this to be viewed as a binding contract and it can be enforced.”
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Children. Same-sex marriage, civil unions and comprehensive domestic partnership laws generally recognize children born into these relationships as the children of both parents. But the parent-child relationship can be contested in some states, which is why parents without biological ties to their children should adopt them (or move to a state where they can). So if a couple splits, the relationship between the nonbiological parent and child will be protected — as will the parents’ obligations to the child — and any custody issues can be decided in a family court.
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Dissolve all unions. All legal unions should be dissolved through the legal system whenever possible. If you don’t (or can’t), the states that respect same-sex marriage may continue to view your former spouse or partner as the next-of-kin, which means that person may have legal rights to make medical, financial and other important decisions if you become incapacitated.
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“If a married gay man who can’t get divorced in his home state is traveling in a state that recognizes him as still married, his estranged husband will have a full range of default legal rights,” Ms. Pizer said. Some of those rights can be overridden with legal documents like medical and legal powers of attorney, but failing to sever your legal ties can also cause problems if you attempt to remarry or repartner.
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Dividing assets. Heterosexual couples can divide their assets with few, if any, tax implications in a divorce. One spouse can sell property to the other without worrying about capital gains taxes, and they can transfer an unlimited amount of assets to each other without incurring gift taxes. (While all individuals can give up to $13,000 in cash and other assets to as many people as they desire, anything above that is considered a taxable gift; everyone has a $1 million lifetime exemption.) But this is a big gray area for gay couples. The Internal Revenue Service hasn’t issued any guidance for same-sex couples, but you can assume that it doesn’t recognize gay marriage because of the Defense of Marriage Act, the federal law that bans same-sex marriage. That means that gay couples are not entitled to tax-free division of assets in a divorce (though they may not have to pay related state taxes if they live in a state that recognizes gay unions).
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So if a gay spouse wanted to transfer his share of the house to a spouse as part of a divorce agreement, any amount above $13,000 could well be considered a taxable gift. (Both spouses would need to file a gift tax return on amounts that exceeded $13,000, which would exhaust part of their lifetime exemption).

“And the sale of one same-sex spouse’s appreciated property to the other, as commonly occurs in divorce, could result in a reportable capital gain,” said Allen Drexel, a family lawyer in New York who works with same-sex couples. But the gay partner selling his share could use the $250,000 exclusion on capital gains, as long as it’s a primary home; there are no exclusions for vacation homes or other property.
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And if a gay couple without access to divorce court can’t figure out a way to equitably split assets on their own, they may need to resort to other legal remedies. “For example, if you own property together and don’t want to, you may be able to file a petition to partition or a similar action, which will result in a court order to sell the property,” Ms. Kauffman said.
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Retirement Plans. When heterosexuals divorce, they can also split qualified retirement plans like 401(k)s without triggering federal income taxes or penalties by using a “qualified domestic relations order,” or QDRO. Individual retirement accounts can be transferred tax-free, too. But gay couples must withdraw the amount and pay all taxes and any penalties. That’s why it pays to compensate a gay spouse with other assets, if you have them, before dipping into a retirement plan . . . .
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Alimony. Typically, the person who pays spousal support can treat those payments as a tax deduction, while the recipient must report it as taxable income. But the I.R.S. hasn’t issued any guidance here either, and the person paying spousal support may not be able to deduct these payments, and he or she could could incur a federal gift tax liability, Mr. Drexel said. “The jury is still out on this very important question,” he added.
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Bottom line: in states that do not allow same sex marriage - and even in those that do because of the Defense of Marriage Act - dissolving same sex relationships and unwinding property interests can be difficult and usually will need to involve both an attorney and a tax advisor.

Montana Justice: Discrimination Against Gays "A Prevalent Societal Cancer Grounded In Bigotry and Hate"

In a well reason, but nonetheless surprising ruling in some ways, the Montana Supreme Court in a 6-1 majority ruling upheld a lower court ruling giving parental rights to a Missoula woman who had been in a 10-year lesbian relationship that included two children legally adopted by the other woman in the partnership. The other woman had left the relationship and married a man, and did not want to grant parental rights to her former lesbian partner. The court ruled that the former partner has a "parental interest" in the children and a right to joint custody. This decision in a "red state" shows that at least some in the judiciary - sadly not in Virginia - are waking up to the fact that LGBT Americans are fully human and entitled to the SAME rights as all other citizens. What is even more amazing is that one justice, James Nelson (pictured above), used his concurring opinion to declare in most uncertain terms what a blight homophobia is on society. Here are highlights from the Missoulian:

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In his specially concurring decision, Nelson denounced discrimination against gays and lesbians as "bigotry" and called it "a prevalent societal cancer grounded in bigotry and hate." "I remain absolutely convinced ... that homosexuals are entitled to enjoy precisely the same civil and natural rights as heterosexuals, as a matter of constitutional law," he wrote.

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Nelson said the case shows that until the courts recognize homosexuals as "equal participants with heterosexuals in our society ... with exactly the same civil and natural rights, lesbian and gay citizens will continue to suffer homophobic discrimination." "Regrettably, this sort of discrimination is both socially acceptable and politically popular," he wrote.

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"Sadly, this case represents yet another instance in which fellow Montanans, who happen to be lesbian or gay, are forced to battle for their fundamental rights to love who they want, to form intimate associations, to form family relationships, and to have and raise children - all elemental, natural rights that are accorded, presumptively and without thought or hesitation, to heterosexuals," Nelson wrote.

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Nelson's comments brought a rebuke from Jeff Laszloffy, president of the Montana Family Foundation, a socially conservative organization that filed legal comments in the case on behalf of the adoptive parent of the two children.8

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Kudos to Justice Nelson. Would that there were more judges and justices on the bench who as clearly understood that equal protection under the law means EQUAL rights and protections. Leave it to the Christo-fascists at an affiliate of Daddy Dobson's foul Focus on the Family to attack Justice Nelson for calling the group and its members what they really are: bigots.

Conservatives Mull Future after ELCA Lifts Gay Ban

It amazes me how people can now easily ignore the passages in the Bible that support slavery, forbid divorce, justify the murder of women and children, yet that cannot get past the few passages that are used to justify homophobia - regardless of modern mental health knowledge about sexual orientation. In my view, these folks are like the Biblical Pharisees and to be blunt, hypocrites - particularly those who have divorced and remarried. In some cases, I surprised that these Neanderthals don't argue that the Sun still revolves around the earth. Already some of the "conservatives" in the ELCA are threatening to break with the national church after 68% of the voting delegates at the Churchwide Assembly approved dropping the ban on partner clergy in same sex relationships, thereby giving LGBT Lutherans full membership at long last in the Church. As I have argued before, in my view it is those with fragile faith that cling to ignorant, antiquated passages in the Bible in order to proclaim themselves better than others. Here are some highlights from the Virginian Pilot:

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MINNEAPOLIS (AP) -- Even though the Rev. Mark Chavez believes the leaders of his church made a decision in direct contradiction of the Bible by lifting a ban on sexually active, monogamous gays and lesbians as clergy, he said he's staying with the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. . . . Chavez, of Landisville, Pa., is director of Lutheran CORE, a conservative group within the ELCA that fought the gay clergy policy. The group will hold a convention in Indianapolis in September to review its next steps, but Chavez said he thinks some ELCA clergy, congregations and individual members will walk away from the nation's largest Lutheran denomination.

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The change to gay clergy policy passed with the support of 68 percent of about 1,000 delegates at the ELCA's national assembly. It makes the group, with about 4.7 million members in the U.S., one of the largest U.S. Christian denominations yet to take a more gay-friendly stance.
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"I have seen these same-gender relationships function in the same way as heterosexual relationships - bringing joy and blessings as well as trials and hardships," the Rev. Leslie Williamson, associate pastor at Trinity Lutheran Church in Des Plaines, Ill., said during the hours of debate. "The same-gender couples I know live in love and faithfulness and are called to proclaim the word of God as are all of us."

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"This will cause an ever greater loss in members and finances. I can't believe the church I loved and served for 40 years can condone what God condemns," said the Rev. Richard Mahan, pastor at St. Timothy Lutheran Church in Charleston, W.Va. "Nowhere in Scripture does it say homosexuality and same-sex marriage is acceptable to God. Instead, it says it is immoral and perverted." Mahan said he believed a majority of his congregation would want to now break away from the ELCA.

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Other leaders indicated they might leave as well. The Rev. Tim Housholder, pastor of St. Luke's Lutheran Church in Cottage Grove, Minn., described himself during the debate as a rostered ELCA pastor "at least for a few more hours."

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The Rev. Katrina Foster, pastor at Fordham Evangelical Lutheran Church in The Bronx, N.Y., said Lutherans heard similar warnings about flouting Scripture when they made past changes that are now seen as successful - chiefly, the ordination of women. "We can learn not to define ourselves by negation," said Foster, a lesbian. "By not only saying what we are against, which always seems to be the same - against gay people. We should be against poverty. I wish we were as zealous about that."

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Rev. Foster has it right - these homophobes should stop living merely to condemn gays and start living the Gospel message to feed the hungry, cloth the poor and treat the sick.

Why Estate Planning Documents Are Crucial

At dinner with friends the other night our hosts and the boyfriend recounted the horror story of a same sex couple where one became very ill and ultimately died. Most of the couple’s assets were in the name of the deceased partner and the surviving partner lost almost everything, including his home and a business that he had helped build. In fact, he had to prove in court which assets he had purchased in his own right in order to have them not incorporated into the deceased partner's estate that went only to his blood relatives. These kinds of nightmares happen with all to frequent regularity. Meanwhile, they CAN be avoided through proper estate planning documents. I have set out below an article I put together on this topic for my LGBT clients (NOTE: While the article deals with Virginia law, the concepts are generally applicable in other states):

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ESSENTIAL LEGAL DOCUMENTS FOR LGBT COUPLES
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There are some things same-sex couples can and should do to provide for some of the legal protection automatically conferred on married couples. Unfortunately, far too many such couples fail to take the relatively simple steps to avoid the adverse and/or unexpected effects of current law.
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NECESSARY DOCUMENTS AND STEPS: There are some basic documents and steps that every unmarried couple and every same-sex couple should have prepared and duly signed. These include:
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Will - A will specifies how you wish your property to be distributed upon your death. In a will, you designate the person you wish to handle your estate -- your partner or another individual. Without one, your partner receives absolutely nothing. Pursuant to § 64.1-46 of the Virginia Code, anyone who is over the age of 18 years and not mentally incompetent may make a will and thereby dispose of any estate to which he shall be entitled, at his death, including any estate, right or interest to which the testator may be entitled at his death, notwithstanding he may become so entitled subsequently to the execution of the will. Inasmuch as neither § 64.1-46 or other provisions of the Virginia Code restrict permitted devisees to spouses or blood relatives, both unmarried heterosexual couples and same-sex couples may make wills leaving assets to their partners.
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Trust - A properly established and funded trust avoids publicly probating assets owned by the trust at the time of one’s death and is more difficult to challenge in court than a will. In addition, a trust can provide beneficiaries with creditor protection in certain circumstances. Properly structured, a trust can provide support for one’s surviving partner for the remainder of his or her life, with the remainder to pass to other relatives and designated beneficiaries, bypassing potential taxes associated with the surviving partner's estate. Chapter 4, Title 26 of the Virginia Code governing the appointment, qualification, resignation, removal of fiduciaries, including trustees, contains no provision restricting permitted trustees or trust beneficiaries to spouses or blood relatives. Therefore, both unmarried heterosexual couples and same-sex couples may create trusts naming their partners as beneficiaries in a manner that does not purport “to bestow the privileges or obligations of marriage.”
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Medical/Health Care Power of Attorney - A health care or medical power of attorney allows one’s partner regardless of gender to make medical decisions on your behalf in the event you are not able to do so due to incompetency or other incapacity. Properly drafted, a health care power of attorney can also ensure hospital visitation rights to the designated attorney-in-fact
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Advanced Medical Directive - § 54.1-2983 of the Virginia Code provides that any mentally competent adult may, at any time, make a written advance directive (i) authorizing the providing, withholding or withdrawal of life-prolonging procedures in the event such person should have a terminal condition, and (ii) appointing an agent to make health care decisions for the declarant under the circumstances stated in the advance directive if the declarant should be determined to be incapable of making an informed decision. Advance medical directives must be signed by the declarant in the presence of two subscribing witnesses who cannot be the spouse or blood relatives of the declarant.
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There is no statutory restriction that one’s agent must be a spouse or blood relative. Rather, §54.1-2982 of the Virginia Code provides that under any such advance medical directive, an agent means “an adult appointed by the declarant under an advance directive, executed or made in accordance with the provisions of § 54.1-2983, to make health care decisions for him. . ." Such authority includes visitation rights, provided the advance directive makes express provisions for visitation. Therefore, properly drafted and executed advanced medical directives by a same-sex couple should not be deemed to “bestow a privileges or obligations of marriage.”
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General/Business Power of Attorney - This form of power of attorney allows a member of either an unmarried couple or a same-sex couple to authorize their partner to handle their financial affairs in the event of disability or unavailability.
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Title on Deeds and Accounts - How title to property is held can effect both future ownership and tax liability. Joint tenancy with rights of survivorship, for example, will ensure that the surviving partner will have full ownership upon the death of the deceased partner and avoid ownership disputes with surviving blood relatives. However, it can create certain negative estate tax treatment depending on the size of one’s taxable estate. Historically, deeds creating a tenancy by the entirety have been reserved for husband and wife couples. In light of the Virginia Affirmation of Marriage Act cited above, such a deed conveying title to a same-sex couple even though validly married in another state such as Massachusetts would not be effective in Virginia.
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BENEFICIARY DESIGNATIONS: Most securities and retirement accounts provide for the designation of beneficiaries. These should be reviewed periodically to ensure that desired goals are achieved and also should include the designation of contingent beneficiaries to ensure the desired parties are named in the event of the death of the principal beneficiary.
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LIFE INSURANCE: Properly utilized, life insurance can provide funding for payment of estate taxes, outstanding mortgages, charitable trusts, education of minors, and other functions.
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NOTE: This article contains a general discussion of estate planning matters which vary greatly in asset structuring needs and potential tax liability based on the particular facts and circumstances of individuals and the nature of their assets. Therefore, it should not be relied upon as a substitute for individualized legal advice addressing one’s particular situation.

Losing One's Father

I received a call late yesterday from my ex-partner (pictured at left with a cat we used to have) letting me know that his father had died. Since I lost my father nearly three years ago now, I know how losing a parent hurts one to the core. Those who have not lost a parent - or a sibling as I did in 2001 - cannot understand the feeling not matter how they might try to empathize. My sincerest condolences go out to my ex-partner and his entire family.

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My former partner's dad was a character as well as a talented musician. Years ago he wrote some country western songs that went on to be quite famous. Unfortunately, as a young writer he had sold them cheap without reserving any rights and as a result he never realized the fame he might otherwise have achieved. I still recall one family reunion I attended where my former partner's dad, some of his sisters and some other family members pulled out their guitars and sang a number of songs - they truly sounded almost professional.

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Max, may you rest in peace.

The Boyfriend - The Wonders of a Committed Relationship

Yesterday was the boyfriend's birthday and today is our anniversary of our first date after knowing each other socially for about five years. Since we have been a couple he has brought me so much happiness and given me so much love. I hope I have given him the same sense of wonder and well being in return. After a long marriage and prior same sex relationships, I feel that I have finally found "the one" who loves me for me and who I am - he asks for nothing in return except my love and faitfulness. He is truly a kind, loving and sweet man and he means more to me than he will ever know. Our relationship should be celebrated and supported by society.

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The irony, of course, is that the "family values" crowd and professional Christian set say that relationships like ours do not exist and/or that if we are allowed to marry - which we will likely do at some point even though it will not be recognized in antediluvian Virginia - somehow heterosexual marriages will be destroyed. Meanwhile, having lived in a straight marriage in a supposedly model neighborhood I know full well that we have a far better and more loving relationship that the majority of straight couples had in that picture perfect neighborhood where all kinds of dysfunctionalities went on behind the facades of the beautifully tended houses.

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I am so lucky to have the boyfriend in my life and I than God for bringing us together. He is a sweetheart and I want to thank him for loving me and being my safe harbor.

Christianists Foaming At Mouth Over Obama Gay Rights Memo

All too predicatbly the Christianists and professional Christian crowd are hyperventilating over Obama's signing of his memorandum today that extends a handful of legal rights and benefits to LGBT federal employers and their families. The professional whiners have their panties in a major knot and are bloviating that this grant of a handful of rights/benefits approximates marriage. The charge is ridiculous and disingenuous, but would one expect anything less from these folk? A handful of rights versus some 1000+ rights/benefits. Pretty poor approximation to marriage if you ask me. Here are some highlights from U.S. News & World Report:

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Conservative Christian groups criticizing the president's memorandum extending certain benefits to same-sex partners of federal employees are alleging that the president is approximating the benefits of marriage —that he's basically creating "marriage light." It's an interesting line of argument because polls show that most Americans support benefits for gay partners but oppose gay marriage.

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Here's a statement today from Concerned Women for America President Wendy Wright: "Barack Obama's order...attempts to elevate relationships outside of marriage as if they are the same as marriage. Marriage provides unique benefits to individuals, families, and society that cannot be replicated by any other living arrangements. Marriage helps nurture children and reduces social and financial costs to society by promoting healthy behavior. Federal funds should not be a political tool to elevate partner arrangements to be treated similar to marriage."

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And here's a statement from Family Research Council President Tony Perkins making a similar marriage-based argument against Obama's executive memorandum: President Obama's expected Executive Order extending benefits to homosexual partners appears to be a violation of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), and clearly violates the spirit of the federal law which defines marriage as the legal union of one man and one woman as husband and wife. In 1996, DOMA passed overwhelmingly in both the House and Senate and was then signed by President Clinton.