Finding Love Again, This Time With a Man

I have been giving thought to former U.S. Senator  Harris Wofford's op-ed in the Sunday New York Times before sharing my thoughts.  Having been married to a woman for 24 years in a marriage that had its share of love notwithstanding my own self-hate and denial of my own sexual orientation and now having been married to a man for over two years, a couple of things struck me.  The first is that Woffard is right: one falls in love with the person - the soul, if you will.  The second is that physical sex takes a back seat to the love and attraction to the other person as a whole - something seemingly lost on Christofascists who focus solely on the physical aspects of gay sex with no thought of the emotional, soul to soul connection.  I love my husband not simply because of some physical activity, but instead because of his being a sweet, thoughtful, kind, genuine and loving person.  Here are excerpts from Harris Wofford's op-ed:

AT age 70, I did not imagine that I would fall in love again and remarry. But the past 20 years have made my life a story of two great loves.

On Jan. 3, 1996, the telephone rang just before midnight, interrupting the silence of the hospital room. From the bedside of my wife, Clare, I lifted the receiver. “Please hold for the president.” Bill Clinton had heard that Clare, struck by acute leukemia, was fading. She listened and smiled but was too weak to speak. Some hours later, I held her hands in mine as she died.

During 48 years of marriage, we had spent a lifetime together. Clare and I fell in love trying to save the world during World War II. . . . Our romance and adventure continued for five decades. . . . . We spent a happy half-century together with different perspectives on life.

For our three children and me, Clare was at the heart of our family. When I told her, “You’re my best friend,” she would reply, “and your best critic.” And when I said, “You’re my best critic,” she responded, “and your best friend.”

We were both about to turn 70 when she died. I assumed that I was too old to seek or expect another romance. But five years later, standing on a beach in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., I sensed a creative hour and did not want to miss it.

I swam alone in the water, attracting the attention of two bystanders near the shore. They came over to say hello, which is how I met Matthew Charlton. As we talked, I was struck by Matthew’s inquisitive and thoughtful manner and his charm. I knew he was somebody I would enjoy getting to know. We were decades apart in age with far different professional interests, yet we clicked. I admired Matthew’s adventurous 25-year-old spirit.

When he told me that I was “young at heart,” I liked the idea, until I saw a picture of him on a snowboard upside down executing a daring back flip. The Jackson Hole newspaper carried the caption, “Charlton landed the jump without mishap.

We took trips around the country and later to Europe together, becoming great friends. We both felt the immediate spark, and as time went on, we realized that our bond had grown into love.

Other than with Clare, I had never felt love blossom this way before. It was three years before I got the nerve to tell my sons and daughter about Matthew. Yet over time my children have welcomed Matthew as a member of the family, while Matthew’s parents have accepted me warmly.

To some, our bond is entirely natural, to others it comes as a strange surprise, but most soon see the strength of our feelings and our devotion to each other. We have now been together for 15 years.

Too often, our society seeks to label people by pinning them on the wall — straight, gay or in between. I don’t categorize myself based on the gender of those I love. I had a half-century of marriage with a wonderful woman, and now am lucky for a second time to have found happiness.

For a long time, I did not suspect that idea and fate might meet in my lifetime to produce same-sex marriage equality. My focus was on other issues facing our nation, especially advancing national service for all. Seeking to change something as deeply ingrained in law and public opinion as the definition of marriage seemed impossible. I was wrong, and should not have been so pessimistic.  . . . . It is right to expand our conception of marriage to include all Americans who love each other.

Matthew is very different from Clare. The political causes that continue to move me do not preoccupy him, nor have I turned my priorities to design, the focus of his driving talent. Still, the same force of love is at work bringing two people together. Twice in my life, I’ve felt the pull of such passionate preference.

At age 90, I am lucky to be in an era where the Supreme Court has strengthened what President Obama calls “the dignity of marriage” by recognizing that matrimony is not based on anyone’s sexual nature, choices or dreams. It is based on love.

All this is on my mind as Matthew and I prepare for our marriage ceremony. On April 30, at ages 90 and 40, we will join hands, vowing to be bound together: to have and to hold, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part.

 My last thought is this: do fundamentalist Christians see their own marriages and loves based solely on physical lust and sex, or do they believe it is based on more.  If it is based on more, then why can't these people see that for gays the situation is no different. It is in the end all about love.

Alécio and Luiz Felipe - A Gay Wedding Ceremony in Brazil

As noted before on this blog, it is amazing that Brazil and Argentina and Uruguay all have full gay marriage nationwide while America, which claims to be the land of liberty and home of religious freedom does not.  Why, because far right religious beliefs are still afforded undeserved - one might even say unconstitutional - deference under America's civil laws.  

A reader in the Netherlands - Amsterdam to be exact - sent me a link to a video clip of a gay marriage ceremony in Brazil.  Watching the video, I can only ask, what is so frightening about recognizing the relationship between a loving couple who seek to share their lives together?  Is the faith of far right Christians - and Muslims for that matter so weak and shallow that it cannot be confronted with anything that goes against the ignorance and mindlessness of such individuals?  Or do couples like the ones in the video terrify them because they - and all of us other out and normal gays - are all too normal.  We don't fit the bogeyman image the far right Christofascists seek to bestow on us?  Ignorance which is often self-selected and fear are at the root of homophobia and bigotry of all kinds.  Here's the video.  What do you think?

Love, commitment and the pledging one's self to another through good times and bad ought to be applauded and supported by our society and by our civil laws. It isn't gay marriage that's scary. Rather it is those who oppose it due to their own psychosis, paranoia and/or fear of thinking who are the scary ones. While the following isn't an actual wedding, it's a video that like the other one sends the message that love is love and commitment is commitment be it between gay couples or straight couples. Hopefully, one day every state in America will grasp this reality.

Quote Of The Day - Sgt. Brandon Morgan

Like the photo of a returning female sailor returning to port in Virginia Beach being kissed by her partner not so long ago, the photo of Sergeant Brandon Morgan kissing his partner (I posted about the homecoming recently) has become emblematic of the new U. S. military where gay and lesbians can proudly serve their country without hiding who they are and constantly fearing witch hunts and forced discharge. In this region with a huge military personnel presence, the repeal of DADT has been a wonderful development.

Brandon Morgan spoke with The Daily Beast and it is instructive that like so many of us in the LGBT community for a period of time he threw himself into religion in an effort to deny that God had made him gay. Having engaged in that pattern myself for roughly 37 years, I fully understand why so many of us try to deny our reality. I also know all too well the amount of wasted energy and hidden internal strife (and outright self-hatred) that such denial engenders. Here are some highlights from The Daily Beast interview:

When Marine Sgt. Brandon Morgan, 25, returned home to Hawaii on Feb. 22 from a deployment in Afghanistan, he found partner Dalan Wells, 38, waiting for him. When a friend snapped a photo of their welcome-home kiss and posted it online, it quickly went viral and has been viewed tens of thousands of times on blogs and Facebook. It has been interpreted as a sign of a more open military in the wake of the repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell.” Sergeant Morgan tells Matthew DeLuca how the photo came to be.

I used to be a very, very fanatical Christian, not that there’s anything wrong with being a Christian, but my beliefs, my core beliefs, definitely have changed as I’ve grown up because of the way I live, the way I am. I joined the Marine Corps because I felt I wanted to be the voice of God in the Marine Corps.

I’m pretty sure people very close to me like my mother, my father, and my sister always knew that there was something different about me. I was always at the church, and had those values, had that idea that homosexuality was wrong according to the Christian faith.

Eventually, nature comes out.

I was married at one point to a woman, but that was a huge mistake, because looking through my faith beliefs I mistook a friendship and thought it was love, which it wasn’t. It took so many mistakes in my life to have the courage to know who I was.

Dalan works on the base and we actually met at the Single Marine and Sailor Program. I walked in and I saw him, and I have to say it was love at first sight. I’ve loved that man ever since I first saw him.

Dalan and I have known each other for four years, and we’ve been really good friends. He helped me through the divorce. As time went on and we were ramping up to deploy, I asked him out, as I knew who I was but couldn’t come out under the DOD policy [“don’t ask, don’t tell”]. He said no because there is a significant age difference.

Every email he sent me I would read a hundred times. Weeks just flew by and I couldn’t wait to get home, and I was like, “When I get home, I’m going to give him the best kiss I can think of.”

All my superiors are happy for me that I finally have a love, someone to be with, that I’m not always hanging out at the single Marine center on the weekend. I believe that the general consensus was that the military didn’t want this, but the people who say that can’t really speak on the behalf of my Marines. My Marines, my family, have welcomed me, they’ve been very happy for me. We’re a family. They care for me the way they always have.

I was a little worried, to be honest. I was afraid that some people’s views of me might change. But that was just my own personal misgiving, a fear I had to overcome. I should have had more faith in my Marines than that. I’m not always right, and I was very glad I was wrong about that.

No doubt this beautiful story of love and two souls finding each other will have Elaine Donnelly, Tony Perkins, Maggie Gallagher and similar hate merchants in convulsions with sheets of spittle flying across the room. But, love is love and who are we to presume that God, the creator, Allah, or whoever made a mistake when he/she made some of us gay and allowed us to find pure, sincere and unselfish love with some of the same sex? To me, it's those who question God's creation who are the blasphemers, not LGBT individuals.

Valentine's Day Videos That Show the Meaning of Love

Valentine's Day is about love. Yes, it's hard to remember at times in states like Virginia where hate and bigotry seem to be in ascendancy. But over time I like to think that love - as opposed to hatred of others will prevail. In keeping with today's theme of love, I want to highlight two videos that seek to demonstrate that we are all the same whether we are gay or straight - notwithstanding what the Christian Right and professional Christian set may allege to the contrary. The first video is entitled The Wedding Dance and looks at gay parenting. As a gay parent myself, I fully believe that children of gays stack up as well or better than those raised in Christianist households, Here's the video clip:

The second video comes from Italy - it's in Italian - and looks at the issue of the need for marriage equality in that country. Andy Towle notes as follows on the video:

Remember Australia's "It's Time" marriage equality video? Well, think of this as Italy's version.

A first-of-its-kind video raises the issue of marriage equality in Italy just in time for Valentine's Day. It's called "I'll Marry You" and it's named for a well-known song by Lorenzo 'Jovanotti' Cherubini, who offered the use of it to LGBT rights group Arcigay for this clip, which draws attention to the need for marriage equality in that country. The video took four months to make, according to Italian paper La Republicca and tells the story of a young gay couple who gets married and another lesbian couple who gets engaged at their wedding. The video is sponsored by Arcigay and AGEDO (the Italian version of PFLAG, as well as Bologna Pride).

Here's the video:

Ti sposerò - Gay Marriage from WEDDINGITALIA FILM on Vimeo.

Taking a Lesson From Down Under

One thing that often drives me crazy about America - especially in conservative circles - is the unwillingness to learn from others in other parts of the world. Instead, Americans seem to always want to re-invent the wheel or have a bias against anything that was developed overseas. Too often, we all end up as losers because of the stubbornness and close mindedness. This criticism can apply to progressives and the LGBT community as well. I've noted the amazing ad entitled "It's Time" that was released by Australian group Get Up! The ad doesn't focus so much on technical legal rights arguments but instead goes for the heart and makes the point that same sex relationships are every bit as committed and love based as are heterosexual ones. I'd even go so far as to say that based on some of the heterosexual marriages I knew in the straight phase of my life (and, yes, I am talking about the Great Neck area of Virginia Beach), same sex relationships are more genuine than many a straight marriage where couples seemed more concerned about what they could get out of the marriage than they did about a true loving relationship with their other half. A piece in The Advocate looks at the effectiveness of the ad "It's Time." Here are highlights:t

It’s time. That’s the tagline for the new marriage ad circulating like wildfire across multiple continents. Created by the progressive Australian group Get Up! as that country debates allowing gay couples to marry, the two-minute video tells the story of a relationship through the eyes of one of the participants. It depicts the initial meeting and romance, the arguments and everyday annoyances, the joyful times and the depths of grief, all culminating in a man getting down on one knee and proposing in front of the couple’s friends and family. The person behind the camera is finally revealed, and the viewer sees that it is another man, just as the two are being enveloped in congratulatory hugs on their engagement.

So why has this ad captured the hearts and Facebook statuses of so many marriage advocates and allies in the U.S., and could it be part of a strategy to move marriage forward in our own country? Third Way’s extensive research on how Middle Americans view the issue of marriage for gay couples — and how to move them to solidly support it — points to three reasons that a similar ad may be effective with the middle stateside.

First, the video could help correct a misperception about the intention of gay couples who wish to marry. In our research, people in the middle overwhelmingly thought that couples like themselves married in order to make a public promise of love and commitment. But when it came to gay couples, the middle believed they were motivated by “rights and benefits, like tax advantages, hospital visitation, or sharing a spouse’s pension.”

[T]hose who believe gay couples want to make a lifetime commitment are far more likely to be in our corner. That’s why Third Way has launched a Commitment Campaign to urge advocates to make a major shift and start talking about marriage in terms of lifetime commitment in order to move the middle. So in contrast to many of the ads run around Proposition 8 and other recent marriage ballot initiatives in the U.S., the Australian ad doesn’t say a word about rights.

Secondly, the ad poignantly depicted the more important side of the vows for the middle: the “for worse.” When asked what marriage means to them, Americans in the middle focus on lifetime commitment through thick and thin — mostly the thin part. The difference between marriage and other relationships in their minds is that you have to stick around through the difficulties, the sorrows, the obligations, and the responsibilities. Marriage is a promise to care for another person even when you don’t feel like it. It [the ad] shows that gay couples are capable of putting convenience and self-interest aside and that they intend to do so. In a way, it shows not only that this couple really gets what marriage is about — they’ve earned it.

Finally, by showing the couple surrounded by their family and friends, and having that group witness and support their engagement, the video imparts another crucial piece of marriage for the middle: community. Americans in the middle don’t believe marriage is simply a contract between two people —rather, it’s about making a promise in front of the people closest to you and asking those people to hold you accountable to those vows. In essence, that’s the difference between a civil union and a marriage.

The Australian ad works because it portrays these three attributes that the middle thinks are crucial to marriage: intention, adversity, and community. It works because it shows — not tells — that gay couples are much more similar to straight couples than they are different. And ultimately, that’s the key to winning the hearts and minds of the middle.

I hope activists in America will learn from this amazingly well done ad. LGBT lives and loves are just as legitimate as those in the straight world - notwithstanding what the hate merchants of the far right may claim to the contrary. We have earned and deserve the same civil law recognition and support that heterosexual couples have enjoyed for centuries.

Reflection on Children and Relationships

This evening was a wonderful time. The boyfriend (pictured at left) and I met my two daughters for dinner in honor of my oldest daughter's birthday. Our relationship has been chilly and strained for nearly a year since one of my deep depression/free fall episodes last year. Spending an evening over dinner with her and my youngest - who has been a life saver throughout for me emotionally - was wonderful and one of the best gifts I could have as a parent. After dinner, we went by my oldest daughter's new place that she has just moved into which is only minutes from my parents' old neighborhood in Virginia Beach. While there, we dropped off an extra TV that we had and looked the place over which is just blocks from the beach on the Chesapeake Bay. True to form the boyfriend, a/k/a "Martha Stewart," had decorating ideas for my daughter and I can easily see him helping my daughter make window treatments and who knows what else for her home. It's something he loves doing and has been known to do for both family and some of his long time clients.

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Speaking of the boyfriend, I treasure him more all the time. The irony is that when I first came out and saw my future as only one of darkness and potential loneliness, in my mind's eye I always pictured what I longed for so much: a stable, committed relationship with a sweet and good hearted man with whom I could make a life and grow older with. Someone who would totally accept and love me and who would embrace my children as well. All too often in moments of darkness and despair I believed that I would never find such a relationship. Between thinking of myself as too old (a "has been" if you will before I even came out), having too much baggage, etc., etc., I never believed that I would find "the one." I am sure that I am hardly alone in the feelings I had. In the final analysis, I suspect almost all of us seek that one person to fully love them and be fully loved by in return.

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My message to others coming out in mid-life is patience and faith. Patience because finding Mr. Right as opposed to Mr. Right Now takes time and self-confidence. Only when I had adapted to being single and being OK with it did the boyfriend appear when I least expected it. The second thing required is faith - faith that "the one" is out there and that he WILL come into your life.

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It took me almost eight tumultuous years to find the boyfriend. Yes, there were interim loves and infatuations along the way, but they never were what I had dreamed of - either because of my own flaws or otherwise. But I kept on going and now enjoy the precious gifts of my children and someone who loves me deeply in a way that I have never experienced before.

The Christianist Obsession with Gay Sex

As I have noted before, our enemies among the self-anointed Christianist ranks at first appearance have a bizarre obsession with gay sex. Gays are defined solely by how and with whom we have sex. Emotional bonds, common hopes and aspirations - indeed love - are all utterly removed from the equation. Why? Two reasons I suspect. First, by keeping gays a stereotyped one dimensional image, it is so much easier to demonize us and engage in demagoguery in front of unsophisticated and ignorant audiences. It's a very deliberate and calculated approach intended to dehumanize us and stamp out potential sympathy based on our common humanity. The second reason? Because closeted homophobes like Ed Schrock and now Roy Ashburn dwell - or so it seems - on quick sex with no emotional connect because of their own self-loathing. They project their own distorted emotional hang ups onto all of us who have come to terms with how God made us fir whatever reason. A column in the Washington Post looks at the phenomenon. While I do not agree with all of it, it sheds light on this sexual obsession of self-righteous and judgmental "church people." Here are some highlights:

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Whenever I read about the latest public controversy about gays in church, military, or courthouse, I realize that very personal and painful struggles are going on behind the scenes - not just for gay people, but for those who know and love them. I know, because I've been there.
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Since I come from an Evangelical background, most of my good friends sincerely and passionately hold the strict conservative view on homosexuality with which we all were raised. They can't understand why I don't stand side by side with them on this issue any more.
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As a pastor, I walked this path. Through the years, a steady stream of church members, their children, and their guests made appointments with me, each of which began with almost the same words: "I've never told anyone this before, but ...." All my life I had been told that homosexuality was simply a sinful choice, a yielding to an especially evil temptation. (Back in the 1980s, this was the standard explanation in my circles.) But not one of the people I met fit that explanation.
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As contrary evidence mounted, I began to wonder which was the anomaly and which was the norm - what I had been taught by authority figures I loved and respected, or what I was seeing in people I also loved and respected? About then, the authority figures in my tradition modified their position: yes, there was a homosexual orientation that was unchosen. Being gay was no longer simply an evil choice.
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Over time, I came to a resolution (which I explain in the book) through which I felt I could, in good faith, be true to God, the Bible, and to my gay neighbors, friends, relatives, and colleagues. . . . "the issue" [of gays] will continue to be used to win elections and create voting blocs and headlines. Meanwhile, I will continue to be remember that behind the clamor, private dramas are playing out in agonized prayers and secret tears behind more closed doors than most people imagine. Whatever your position on the issue, I think these personal struggles are worth keeping in mind.

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The reality is that we are just as fully human as our enemies and we have hopes, aspirations and yes, deep love. The very thought of this truth scares the Hell out of our enemies. We need to continue to show ourselves as we are and help kill the deceitful stereotype used to try to define us.

The Boyfreind

I tease him frequently and affectionately call him "Martha Stewart" because of his amazing cooking, house keeping and design skills, but the boyfriend is a true treasure. He truly rates as one of the sweetest, kindest, and most compassionate individuals I have ever known. I came across some lyrics to an old song from the movie Footloose that aptly describe him even though he protests that he is nothing special. I disagree. Here are the words that I found descriptive of him:

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I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life
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I am a very lucky man - the boyfriend is truly an amazing guy and I think he greatly depreciates how unique and wonderful he is. I just wanted to tell the world that I love him and I think that he's very, very special. He holds my hand trough good times and bad and he means more to me than he will likely ever know.

Further Reflections on Stable Gay Relationships

Last evening I had yet another opportunity to experience another situation that demonstrates the base lies put out by the enemies of LGBT equality such as Peter LaBarbera and Matt Barber. Namely, that gays are incapable of maintaining long term, stable, committed relationships. The occasion was dinner at the home of one of the boyfriend's long time friends and mentors and his partner. One of the boyfriend's always elegant and wonderful friends/clients also joined us.

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The boyfriend's friend is a quintessential Southern gentleman in the best sense - not to mention a wonderful story teller - and between his activities as a retailer, collector and estate appraiser he has assembled a wonderful collection of antiques and art in a comfortable, beautiful "lived in museum" like setting. He and his partner have been together for many years and as was the case in the commitment ceremony anniversary events over the past weekend, the love and affection of this couple is palpable. That relationships like this couples and the ones witnessed over the weekend are equated with incest, etc., by the likes of Rick Warren is a travesty and it demonstrates just how evil and mean spirited our enemies truly can be.

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Our strongest weapon against our foes is to live openly and honestly because it shows the lies disseminated by those who hate us - yes, they do hate us despite the bogus claims of "hate the sine and love the sinner."