The Top LGBT Movies for 2017

The enemies of LGBT Americans - which include the current occupant of the White House and the virulently anti-gay Mike Pence - seemingly never tire in their efforts to malign and stigmatize us or to basically depict us as less than fully human. The Roman Catholic Church and a legion of evangelical "Christian" denominations - I use quotation marks because these people are anything but truly Christian - reject science and modern medical and mental health knowledge that confirms that sexual orientation is not a choice and that being gay is not abnormal.  Just as troubling, they utterly ignore the emotional legitimacy of same sex relationships, many of which are more stable and long enduring than those of many heterosexual couples (two friends will soon have their 40th anniversary).  Our lives and loves involve far more than sex acts, just like those of heterosexual couples.  How do LGBT individuals defeat this bigotry and embrace of ignorance?  One way is to live our lives authentically and without apology ("coming out" remains the strongest form of activism).  Another way is to have movies depict our lives with sensitivity and respect.  A piece in Gay Star News - a British outlet - lists its picks for the top 10 LGBT films of 2017.  My favorite is "Call Me By Your Name" which I saw last week in Fort Lauderdale.   Read the entire piece and see the movies.  Here's GSN's review of its No. 1 pick:

Truly amazing films about queer people often make for punishing viewing. Moonlight, Brokeback Mountain – don’t get me started on Boys Don’t Cry.  Love and sex battle with hatred and violence. Conclusions are tragic. Watching these films rarely feels good.

Call Me By Your Name, about an American student who spends a lazy summer in Italy assisting his professor before falling for his son, is different. Homosexual love – between gifted, libidinous 17-year-old Elio (Homeland’s Timothée Chalamet) and sultry, strapping 20-something Oliver (The Social Network’s Armie Hammer), in 80s Italy of all places – is permitted to flourish.

To clarify, don’t expect a sweet, sickly rom com. The wait for the principal players to get it on is agonizing. It makes up the vast majority of openly gay director Luca Guadagnino’s languid 130 minutes, and said flourishing is brief – but thankfully not too brief.

There’s pain too. But it’s deliciously melancholic. There’s no darkness. I steeled myself for the inevitability of prejudice – as the guys skip drunkenly down an empty street, when Elio opens up to his father about the affair – but no such moment arrives. Everyone in the movie is a good person.

Sound too good to be true? It’s allowed to be. It’s fiction, based semi-faithfully on André Aciman’s 2007 novel of the same name. (Fans of the book have slammed the comparable lack of explicit sex; for me it’s a criticism that certainly stands up stronger than with Tom of Finland).

For the most part the movie exists on a different plane – the unreliable world of Elio’s memory, perhaps. The dense foliage and the hanging fruit of his parents’ gorgeous, ramshackle mansion conjure thoughts of the Garden of Eden. But there’s no fall, per se.

Hammer seduces with his booming voice and statuesque physicality, but the movie belongs to Chalamet. On paper, Elio is dislikable. An awkward, arrogant intellectual who speaks three languages and plays piano and guitar. He’s a rich kid who gets to hang out and read all summer: why the hell doesn’t he get a job?

But you quickly fall in love with him, too. After regarding Oliver like a shaking, frightened gazelle would a predator, he gets plucky. He sarcastically imitates his crush’s performed, all-American manliness and the dynamic between them palpably shifts. I didn’t see it coming and my heart skipped a beat. It’s as heightened and erotic a moment as the now-famous peach-fucking scene.

Guadagnino’s luxurious palette and harnessing of light elevate the story. So does the piano-led soundtrack, including three moving contributions from Sufjan Stevens. A near-perfect movie.

Unless you have a heart of stone, the movie will move you.  I am told that the Naro Theater in Norfolk, Virginia, showed previews of the movie in "coming attractions" although no date is set as yet.  For local readers, I recommend this movie highly.   I also highly recommend the book as well.

Why Are the Christianists So Afraid of Love?

I came across this video which is in Spanish with subtitles (skip the initial advertisement) which makes me ponder once again as to why the Christianists are so terrified of same sex love. Is it because of their own damaged psychological/emotional state? Or is it because their house of cards like faith cannot withstand anything that suggests that the Bible passages cited to condemn us might just be wrong?  Because obviously, if those passages are wrong, then they must confront the reality that much more in the Bible is likely wrong as well.  Love is love and in this troubled world, love should be celebrated.

Argentine TV’s Gay Soccer Storyline Prompts Real World Speculation

Following the World Cup competition has been almost an erotic endeavor given the sexual appeal and eroticism of some of the gorgeous players from around the world. Now a soap opera in Argentina featuring two gay professional soccer players is prompting speculation that the characters may, in fact, be based on real life figures in the sport. Obviously, gays are in all areas of society and many of us are athletic to varying degrees. Hence there is no reason that professional soccer players could not be gay. Nonetheless, with the ongoing battle in the Argentine Senate for the approval of gay marriage, it is interesting that rumors based on this popular TV show are surfacing now. Here are highlights from Rumor Rat:
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On the field, Manuel and Lalo are soccer teammates in the hit primetime Argentine soap “Botineras.” But off the fictional field, and inside the fictional locker room, let’s just say things are getting complicated when it comes to the question of which team the two play for.
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It would seem that the Argentine public’s fascination with this pair of papis and their romantic storyline goes beyond fiction and into the real world of the country’s most macho sport.
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The entire country is abuzz with whispers that the gay plot is pulled from reality, and futboll fans everywhere in South America are wondering if the story might be based on the real-life sexploits of a handful of the sport’s biggest stars. It’s causing lots of whispers about whose team some soccer players are really on, if you get The Rat’s drift.
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Off the set of “Botineras,” the two actors who play Manuel and Lalo (Cristiano Sancho & Ezequiel Castaño) happen to be as straight as a soccer goal line, but on screen they certainly give convincing performances. And the viewers love it enough to make the show’s one of the country’s top-rated. If only we knew how many of its millions of viewers happen to be pro ballers.
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A video clip from the show can be found here on You Tube.

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Rehoboth Weekend

Nearly a year ago the boyfriend bought a weekend package at a B&B (the Royal Rose Inn - pictured above) in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware at a silent auction at Equality Virginia's Commonwealth Dinner. Since the package is about to expire, we are driving up this morning for the weekend. The weather forecast sucks, but then it sucks here as well, so if one must endure a rainy weekend, we might as well have a change of scenery. I also have friends who now live in Rehoboth so it we also give us a chance to visit. It's been years since I was up there to visit them. With the traveling, blog posts will be perhaps irregular, but I will put up as many as time allows.

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We are a little slow on the uptake this morning because the boyfriend did something so typical of him that demonstrates what a sweet guy he is: an 86 year old friend's cat - which is like her child - was in distress last evening so he took her and the cat to a 24/7 animal hospital in Virginia Beach last night. He did not return home until after 1:30 AM. I am happy to report that the cat will recover thanks to receiving medical attention and the boyfriend is sleeping in a little later than usual. He does so much for others and is truly one of the sweetest, most loving guys I have ever known. I'm not sure at times what he sees in me, but I am so very lucky to have him in my life.

The Reality and Worth of Same Sex Love

If one follows the words of the hate merchants among the Christian Right when it comes to gay relationships it soon becomes apparent that our relationships are reduced to physical sex acts, usually with emphasis on whatever aspects these false Christians believe will be the most repellant to their sheep like followers who prefer to avoid any meaningful thought process on their own. Nowhere do our enemies acknowledge that just as heterosexual couples know and experience romantic love, so do we. It is part and parcel of their effort to dehumanize us and make us "other" to their followers so that the deprivation of civil rights and other recognitios of our relationships becomes acceptable. Of course, it's a lie - like so much of what these vicious groups put out about same-sex couples.

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Some years back I sent an e-mail to a Lutheran seminary professor who was going to a conference where he was going to be speaking in opposition to Warren Throckmorton who had been hired as a speaker by a reactionary Lutheran Synod. The e-mail was about gay love and later I shared it with students in a religion class where I had been invited to speak as a "gay Christian" by an adjuct professor that I knew. The college professor subsequently told me that in subsequent class sessions that my message had prompted more discussion than he had previously seen in 20 years of teaching. Here are some highlights that folks are free to use as they wish:

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I wanted to respond further to one remark you made at lunch: the claim that gays do not experience deep romantic love with each other. Pardon my French, but that is such bull shit and obviously, it is aimed at demeaning gay relationships. My own experience has shown that to be such a lie.

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As I indicated, I had a long distance boy friend for over a year - he and I met when I was on a trip to Chicago for a legal seminar. For me it was love at first sight, but it developed into an amazing love that transcended anything merely physical. I just finished a short novel based on the screen play for a gay love story movie currently playing in some cities in the USA called "Latter Days" (see: http://www.latterdaysmovie.com). Hopefully, the movie will come to Norfolk at some point. In the book, there is a passage that describes somewhat what I experienced with him (the words in brackets were added by me based on my own experiences):

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"And then their eyes locked. And Christian knew that no matter what the circumstances were, Aaron did not, and would not want him to ever go. He slowly reached up to caress Aaron's cheekbone with his thumbs. Their faces moved closer. Their noses, then their lips touched. The world stopped,and Christian again experienced the sense of being floated in a prism, a prism filled only with their breath, and their racing hearts, and their kiss. It was like the room was circling them, as if the entire universe had broken apart and heaven had been laid wide open . . . [and God's love surrounded them and transformed them into one - a perfect oneness, soul to soul and body to body, enveloped in God's love]."

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If what I experienced with my boyfriend isn't love, I do not know what is. Part of me will deeply love him and yearn for his happiness and well being until the day I die. We experienced, however briefly, a communion of our souls (holding each other in our arms was of no account compared to the soul to soul connect we felt) and I wanted time to stop and for the moment to never end. The miracle of our emotional connection and love for each other rates up there with seeing my children born and, to me, was a near religious experience. In my oneness with him, I truly felt God's love. It's so hard to convey into words the experience. . . . . It outrages me that some would say that my relationship with him was of no meaning or value. Those who would say such a thing either (1) have never known true love themselves, or (2) are just plain vicious and cruel. If you ever need a testimony on gay to gay love to counter the cruel allegations of gay-haters, please feel free to use this e-mail. I view the love I experienced with him as nothing less than an incredible gift from God.

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It has taken time, but I am happy to report that I have rediscovered that sense of wonder and sense of being blessed by God in my current relationship with the boyfriend and I defy the Christianists to try to minimize our relationship to merely something physical. Love is love whether between a gay couple or a straight couple. As is always the case, the Christianists seek to work a form of spiritual murder on members of the LGBT community in their push for theocracy.

Move Focus of Gay Rights Debate From Sex to Love

A thoughtful op-ed piece in the Salt Lake Tribune makes a beautiful case for looking at LGBT relationships in terms of love instead of focusing on sex acts as is the obsession of our anti-gay enemies who only seek to dehumanize us and degrade us at every opportunity. Interestingly, the author is a straight man with a clinical psychology background. His op-ed column does a wonderful job at making the case that gay relationships are valid and based on love - and that love knows no gender restrictions. Ironically, the piece begins by citing a work written by a survivor of the Nazi death camps. Just like the Nazi regime, the Christianists and Mormons seek to dehumanize LGBT citizens with the same type of sinister motives. Here are some highlights:

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Victor Frankl was a German psychiatrist who survived the holocaust and wrote powerfully about the spiritual lessons he learned while in the Nazi death camps between 1942 and 1945. Man's Search for Meaning , first published in 1959, is one of the classic psychiatric texts of our time. . . . My experience is that in our lives we also find meaning in the antithesis of the horrors of the death camps, in those precious moments when we experience spiritual love.

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. . . I recalled the letter to the editor I had written a few days earlier trying to address the sources of our sexual orientation. I asserted that sexual orientation is not a behavioral issue but it is rooted in our wonderful human encounter with love. Love, that mysterious indefinable process by which we become attracted to other humans and engage in relationships of emotional and physical intimacy, intimacy which at its best has a deep and profound spiritual quality.

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My letter drew the predictable responses online by some unable or uninterested in understanding my argument. The memory of those responses brought me back to another moment I experienced 15 years ago while working as a mental health counselor at an agency in Atlanta, Ga.

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During an emotionally intense counseling session with a young man, we were exploring aspects of our lives and our mutual experiences of romantic love. At one point he looked at me and said: "George, can you understand that the love that I feel for my partner is not different than what you feel for your wife?" In that therapeutic moment, a moment of genuine human intimacy and meaning, the student became the teacher. Reflecting later, I came to understand that in that moment I was confronting the last vestiges of my own homophobia, and this man who sat across from me in this quiet room facing his own death had invited me into Victor Frankl's "community of our humanity."

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The next time state lawmakers consider legislation extending legal protections for gay and transgender couples, can they think beyond the narrow private sexual behavioral issues that dominate the debate to the more important issues of human relationships and love?

Further Reflections on Stable Gay Relationships

Last evening I had yet another opportunity to experience another situation that demonstrates the base lies put out by the enemies of LGBT equality such as Peter LaBarbera and Matt Barber. Namely, that gays are incapable of maintaining long term, stable, committed relationships. The occasion was dinner at the home of one of the boyfriend's long time friends and mentors and his partner. One of the boyfriend's always elegant and wonderful friends/clients also joined us.

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The boyfriend's friend is a quintessential Southern gentleman in the best sense - not to mention a wonderful story teller - and between his activities as a retailer, collector and estate appraiser he has assembled a wonderful collection of antiques and art in a comfortable, beautiful "lived in museum" like setting. He and his partner have been together for many years and as was the case in the commitment ceremony anniversary events over the past weekend, the love and affection of this couple is palpable. That relationships like this couples and the ones witnessed over the weekend are equated with incest, etc., by the likes of Rick Warren is a travesty and it demonstrates just how evil and mean spirited our enemies truly can be.

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Our strongest weapon against our foes is to live openly and honestly because it shows the lies disseminated by those who hate us - yes, they do hate us despite the bogus claims of "hate the sine and love the sinner."

Love and Living in the Moment

As I have mentioned on other occasions, one of the things I have learned during my coming out process and the related therapy that I underwent is to enjoy the "now" and to try to enjoy every moment for whatever it may bring to you. That's not to say that I'm irresponsible and do not try to work towards a successful future. Rather, it involves putting behind me the sense that I have to have everything planned out months and years in advance and be "in control" of everything. The reality is that one's best laid plans can be turned upside down in a moment by some random, unexpected event and all those moments of drying myself crazy were for naught. Too often, I spent so much time and energy worrying about tomorrow that I missed the wonders of the present moment. This is something I was talking about with my friend Justin by telephone last night and about which we reached concurrence: in relationships and new love, one must savor the now and not over think matters and/or try to over control tomorrow. Thus, it is ironic that my friend Euphoric has a post today that utilizes something from another friend's writing that looks at this concept. Here's a portion of what Euphoric's friend Jarad wrote:

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Relationships end all the time; they become friendships, they suffer betrayals, love dies and wilts like a rose, but sometimes it’s so strong it lives forever…If it does die, if it never even begins then I will still be happy that I took that chance…that I gave you the power to break my heart…it doesn’t matter what happens, and why…what matters is we’re here now, pouring our hearts out to each other…trying to make the other understand…and, right now, this very second, I like you…I look forward to chatting to you every night…I think about you during the day…whatever happens at least we have this moment, this time. We shall see what happens, and whatever does happen, it happens. No regrets.”

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Do I care about tomorrow? Most definitely. Am I going to drive myself to distraction worrying about things I cannot control? Not any more. I've done that far too much in the past. As far as love goes, I see myself as a good person, kind and loving, romantic, worthy of love, and generally compassionate. When the right guy comes along he will recognize these qualities in me. I will in turn be seeking the same things in him.

Memoirs of Hadrian

I'm a lover of history and have studied a great deal of classical Greek and Roman history in college and through reading on my own in the subsequent years. Thus, I was excited to read that a new movie based on French writer Marguerite Yourcenar's novel, Memoirs of Hadrian (Mémoires d'Hadrien) is apparently about to begin production. From a gay perspective the movie should be quite interesting in asmuch as Hadrian's great love was for the beautiful Antinous, another male. The movie, describing the life and death of Roman Emperor Hadrian will be directed by John Boorman. Hadrian is expected to be played by Antonio Banderas while Charlie Hunnam (pictured at left) has been cast as his lover Antinous. Yes, indeed, the eye candy will be great. Needless to say, the knuckle draggers will be in a vapor if the movies correctly depicts the gay love affair between Hadrain and his Antinous. Heaven forbid that the REAL history of gays throughout history be told. Here are some highlights from The Guardian:

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Later this summer filming will start in Morocco on a version of the emperor's story by British director John Boorman. Based on Marguérite Yourcenar's 1951 novel, Memoirs of Hadrian, Boorman's film casts Antonio Banderas in the lead role and Charlie Hunnam as Antinous, the Greek boy who became his lover and then drowned mysteriously in the Nile.

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'Hadrian was a real visionary. We will be telling an intimate story and a broad, epic story,' said Boorman this weekend. 'He managed to consolidate the empire, but in doing so he sowed the seeds of its ruin. His armies began to soften.'

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This organised dictator had many guises. He was homosexual and loved architecture and art, but he was also portrayed as a warrior, a beacon of learning and even a god. On top of all this, he was also a poet and writer, penning his own lost memoir . . . Edward Gibbon, the 18th-century historian, began his account of Rome's decline and fall: 'Under Hadrian's reign, the empire flourished in peace and prosperity. He encouraged the arts, reformed the laws, asserted military discipline, and visited all his provinces in person. His vast and active genius was equally suited to the most enlarged views, and the minute details of civil policy.'

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The physical remains of his energy are visible even today. Aside from the British wall, two other vast building projects - the restoration of the Pantheon and his tomb, the Castel Sant'Angelo, still add gravitas to the Roman skyline 1,900 years later.

Fear of Commitment

In reaction to my depressed post during the wee hours over the weekend, I received a number of e-mails and comments. One e-mail indicated that the writer had no desire to be in a relationship ever again since he did not want to set himself up to be hurt again should the relationship end or his partner die before him. Another friend expressed a different reason for his inability to allow himself to become truly close with others: being still locked in the long pattern of never fully investing himself or getting truly close to others due to his many years living in the closet before coming out, especially during many years in the military. Yet another friend tragically lost his parents simultaneously at a relatively young age and then suffered the loss of his twin brother a little more than 10 years later. He resolved that he’d never get totally close emotionally to anyone ever again, thus excluding the possibility of a committed relationship, since he could not bear the thought of once again experiencing the pain of loss. These lines of reasoning can be described as reactions to fear – fear of being hurt or fear of discovered. To me, neither is a good way to live one’s life. This type of existence leaves the individuals isolated and, in my opinion, unfulfilled.

I will freely admit that I am a relationship oriented person. Being fully invested in a relationship DOES involve the potential risk of being hurt. But the rewards can be so amazing. I will admit that during my marriage I kept a “glass wall” between my former wife and me, yet that does not mean I did not love her or that I did not enjoy an emotional intimacy with her. Yes, it was not as complete and fulfilling as it would have been had I been straight and not living in self-denial (and self-loathing) in the closet. Nonetheless there were many rewards, hopefully for both of us. Likewise, in the relationship with my former boyfriend, there were amazing emotional and spiritual rewards. When the relationship ended, it was devastating, but at least I had experienced the wonder that only such commitment can provided.

The reality is that there is risk in virtually every aspect of life. However, as the saying goes, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. To experience the joy and wonder of true intimacy to me is well worth the risk of being hurt. Particularly, if the other option is to remain remote and empty, albeit safe from ever being hurt.

Middle of the Night Depression

Tonight is one of those nights when I wonder why I bother to try to soldier on. I put on a brave front much of the time and stay busy with work, this blog, and various activities. But every now and then, I just cannot pull out my depression. At least I don’t have any prescription sleeping pills or other things lying around – I might be tempted. I think once you have tried to overdose, the chances of doing it again are increased. Somehow the fear or whatever you want to call it is lessened.

It’s funny. The evening started out alright as I worked a fundraiser for Make a Wish Foundation – the Ghent Bar Tour with 12 participating local bars/restaurants in the Ghent neighborhood. My volunteer station was at a restaurant called The Boot. Lots of cute guys (mostly straight) came through during the evening. And, since we volunteers were dealing cards for a form of poker for the participants in the bar tour (prizes were awarded at the end of the evening), we ended up with patrons buying us drinks.

In any event, I got on a definite buzz and went out dancing to work off the drinks. All the smiling couples around me made my loneliness come crashing down upon me even more and made me think that I am fated to be alone forever. A few more drinks did nothing to lighten my mood. So here I am at the computer venting my frustration and unhappiness. I know intellectually that no relationship is better than a bad relationship. Yet, sleeping alone with no one to hold and snuggle against or share my life with gets me down at times. I guess I will sign off now. I will hopefully be more cheerful in the morning.

Friday Evening Thoughts

Another work week is over, albeit a short one. Thank God! The last three days have been CRAZY at the office. I have somewhat shaken off the pre-Christmas depression – my trip to Charlottesville was very nice and some much needed cash came into the firm. Also, this weekend should afford some fun – taste testing tomorrow for the next “hrbortini” for the January 4th HRBOR happy hour at Mixers, followed by the movie premier tomorrow insanity.

Meanwhile, I have been thinking about a comment that was posted on one of my posts that laid out some of my random thoughts about my desire for a committed relationship:

“I just hope you don't overlook him, whoever he is, by creating too many "must have" qualities. Every man has his baggage and his faults. It's not about having everything perfect, but rather finding that one truly special someone for whom you don't mind making a few exceptions and overlooking a thing or two.”

While it is true that I am not willing to settle for just anyone – I doubt any of us would willingly – I do not think I have unrealistic requirements for “Mr. Right.” Besides the obvious requirement that he desire true commitment and have a decent level of intelligence (I would never be able to survive with a mindless “boy toy” type), one "must have" quality is the ability to trust. Another is sufficient self-confidence that he does not always needlessly feel insecure and worry about me "finding someone better" or looking for “someone better.” The two are inter-related, but without these two qualities, a relationship is doomed. The lack of these qualities certainly doomed my last relationship. Other than these qualities, I am open to whoever might come along where the attraction and overall chemistry works.

Given the right guy, I can see myself settling into a relationship for the rest of my life. I think my history demonstrates that I am not one to readily leave my partner at the first glimpse of someone new or the first sign of difficulties. It also shows that I have the ability to make a few exceptions and “overlooking a thing or two” to make a relationship work. I stayed married for 24 years before I could not play the role any longer and finally came out. It is true that part of it was due to fear. But most of it was due to my enjoying a committed relationship (despite the sexual orientation issue) with common goals, caring about the ex-wife, and valuing the trusting relationship we had together. Similarly, I stayed with my ex b/f even after it was obvious that it was not working for us. Why? For many of the same reasons: I am the committed type by nature and also because I loved him. Still do in many ways.

When and where prince charming will appear from to sweep me off my feet remains to be seen. This area is not exactly teeming with eligible guys who are looking for a guy my age. Most of the “good ones” seem settled in relationships. If I was in a different line of work or could figure out a career change that made sense, I’d move in a heart beat to a more progressive area with a larger gay population. Time will tell, I suppose.

Emerging from the Closet - The Struggle to Find a New Identity

In further follow up to yesterday’s post, after moving out of the marital home in an affluent suburban neighborhood, I moved into a two bedroom apartment in an old apartment building in Norfolk’s Ghent section. Having left pretty much all of the furniture in the house my wife continued to live with the children so as to minimize disruption and changes, my apartment looked at first more like early college dorm material than a real home. It’s amazing what you can do with stuff from Value City, Home Depot and Target to make do.

When the marital home was ultimately sold almost two years later in June of 2004, I did get some of the furniture my ex-wife did not want or which did not fit in the smaller house that she purchased. While not glamorous, the apartment was livable and conveniently located where there were numerous restaurants, a movie theater, a fabulous video rental store (with many, many foreign films and even a gay section), and other shops within walking distance. In some ways it was like moving to a small town within the larger city after living in suburbia. Even now, I live only minutes away from the apartment’s location and my office is not far away either.

On the work front, the downtown law firm I was with at the time knew that I was going through a divorce, but I did not elaborate on why the marriage was ending. Fortunately, a couple of the other attorneys had seen prior marriages end and, therefore, it was an issue no one seemed to have much interest in. Eventually, I think office staff and others began to figure it all out – especially after I ran into one employee and her husband at a local bar that I and a number of gay friends I had made by the time frequented some weekends. J, as I will call her, was totally cool about it as was her husband. Nonetheless, I tried to maintain a low profile and had some degree of paranoia about what might happen at the office if word got out. This area after all is not what one would call “gay friendly” to any degree. Not being out certainly greatly added to the level of worry and stress that I did not need on top of everything else. The largest burden at the time was the “Catholic guilt” I felt for having “failed” and allowed my marriage to end. Ultimately putting this misguided sense of guilt behind me - after all, I certainly never chose to be gay - would be among the hardest aspects of coming to accept myself and adjusting to a new life/identity.

Living alone was also a huge change after living in a household with three active children and the coming and goings of their numerous friends. Plus, I withdrew from many of my past activities in straight, GOP dominated Virginia Beach. Eventually, I sublet out the extra bedroom to a other gays (I most certainly did not want a straight roommate), both to cut over all expenses and to also feel less alone. Through them, I did meet more people and increased my sense of acceptance of being a gay man. I also found more ease in going out to venues as a gay man with other similar friends.

Things on the romance front were less than sparkling – nonexistent would be a better term – which only added to my sense of having lost everything, yet found nothing with which to replace it. This was especially true after things ended in my long distance relationship with RH in 2003, in part because he did not want to be “the other man” who ruined my marriage, not that it wasn’t ruined long be fore I ever meet him. Simply chatting with him online and/or talking on the telephone was a lifeline that became sorely missed. Moreover, I truly loved him, and part of me always will. This added layer of grief did not help my over all mindset.

Meanwhile, my therapist worked to get me to believe that I did not need a relationship to define me and that, rather than rush into something, living alone was in fact a viable option. In retrospect, one of my big issues was the belief that I HAD to have something to replace the dysfunctional marriage relationship that I had lost. One of the things that had pushed me to come out was the desire to have an authentic, fulfilling relationship with a guy I loved. As the saying goes, you find love when you are not looking for it. At the time, especially after losing RH, I was looking far too intently for it. Why? Partly, I suspect to convince myself that I was moving forward. I caused myself so much anguish instead of simply enjoying the now and not obsessing over the future. Much of my anguish, was self created. But at the time, I simply could not and/or would not see it.