Census Findings - More Same Sex Couples

I suspect that the actual number of same sex couples has not increased drastically over the past decade and that instead, more are merely open about their relationships and feel comfortable in reporting the truth about their lives on census forms and other such tracking questionnaires. Or maybe they are simply tired of hiding who they are. Whatever the reason, census data shows a rise in same sex couples and our increased visibility will make it increasingly difficult for legislators in backward states like Virginia to pretend that gay households do not exist as they go through contortions to kiss the asses of Christianists such as those at The Family Foundation and other Christian extremists groups of which Virginia seems to have an abundance. The Boston Globe looks at the data for Massachusetts where there's been 1 17% increase in same sex couples that have so identified. Here are some highlights:
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In the decade that saw Massachusetts become the first state to legalize gay marriage, the number of reported same-sex couples in the state climbed sharply, suggesting to many advocates that there is a growing public acceptance and that more gay couples are willing to declare their relationships openly.
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Since 2000, the number of couples living together in the state who identified themselves as same sex rose roughly 17 percent, to more than 20,000, according to the latest estimates from the US Census Bureau.
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In 2009, the state’s proportion of same-sex couples ranked among the country’s highest, and census surveys showed gay couples living across the state, in communities large and small.
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The increase in same-sex couples was more pronounced nationally than in Massachusetts, suggesting that changes in reporting were largely responsible, according to Gary J. Gates, a researcher who specializes in same-sex demographics at UCLA’s Williams Institute. Gates notes that the largest increases tended to be in rural and socially conservative parts of the country where couples might have previously been reluctant to acknowledge their relationship, if only by checking a box on a census form.
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You would expect they would have a bigger closet in 2000,’’ he said, listing Alabama, Mississippi, Kentucky, and Utah among the states with the largest increases in same-sex couples.
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[M]any older gay couples remain wary of reporting their status honestly, despite the legal gains and cultural shifts. “The habits of a lifetime,’’ she said. That is changing, especially among young adults.
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Many same-sex partners report that they are married, even in states where gay marriage is not recognized. In the most recent census survey, some 47 percent of same-sex couple households in Massachusetts described themselves as married, compared to 33 percent in 2000.

Mega Church Pastor Comes Out to Church

Would that more religious leaders had the courage of Jim Swilley, pastor of a mega church in Conyers, Georgia, who this past week told his congregation that he's gay. Admittedly, it took him years to come to the point of admitting who he is, but he did it - unlike many religious leaders who remain self-loathing closet cases who end up damaging the lives of other in their quest of denying who they are. Like Swilley, I was married for over two decades. For anyone who has not walked down that road, it is hard to comprehend what a huge move taking such action represents. Especially if one is in a profession where speaking the truth of who one is may result in a loss of one's career. I congratulate Swilley and hope that his statement may save someone from years of self-hate and/or suicide. Swilley's conduct is in sharp contrast to the closeted professional Christians who continue to damage and/or ruin the lives of others out of their own self-hatred. Robert Knight, Peter LaBarbera and other hate merchants could stand to learn from Swilley's example. Among other things, Swilley told the media:
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“As a father, thinking about your 16-, 17-year-old killing themselves, I thought somebody needed to say something,” . . . “I know all the hateful stuff that’s being written about me online, whatever. To think about saving a teenager, yeah, I'll risk my reputation for that.”
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Here are details from the Rockdale Citizen:
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Church in the Now is entering into a new chapter of its ministry after its leader and pastor Jim Swilley announced to his congregation that he is gay.
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For many church members, Swilley’s coming out during last Wednesday’s service was not a surprise. Swilley said he had been aware of his sexual orientation since a young age. He and his wife and co-pastor, Debye Swilley, separated about 18 months ago and have subsequently divorced after 21 years of marriage. A video of the service was posted to the church’s website Saturday that shows Swilley explaining to his congregation that he needed to be himself to continue his ministry and that meant explaining his homosexuality and debunking rumors about him.
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Swilley gives a 50-minute talk in the video and says that his sexual orientation is something he has struggled with his whole life. He adds he was always attempting to come to terms with his orientation and his faith in God.
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The announcement brought some immediate changes to the church, which celebrated its 25th anniversary in May. Swilley will no longer be referred to as a bishop after he agreed to step down from the College of Bishops of the International Communion of Charismatic Churches, a coalition of church ministries of which Church In The Now is a member.
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There may also be questions about the future of the church. Membership numbers were unavailable, but CITN is one of the largest in the community. The CITN campus is a landmark overlooking Interstate 20, just east of the Salem Road exit.
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In his comments, Swilley said he wants to continue his ministry and that everything is “on the altar, and if we do lose it everybody is ready to start something else.” . . . Swilley has received many comments of support on his blog, Facebook page and Twitter. However, in the video Swilley acknowledges members have left the church and personal relationships ended abruptly over the issue.
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Here is a video that Swilley has posted:

Watch live streaming video from bishopjimswilley at livestream.com

Sunday Reflections

While it started out beautiful and sunny this morning, as the day has progressed, the weather has taken on a threatening soon to rain look. It somewhat matches my emotions. I met my two daughters for brunch in the heart of the Great Neck area of Virginia Beach where I lived for just shy of 20 years. We had a nice time and talked about my oldest daughter’s job (she graduated with her Masters in December and has been working at a Virginia Beach high school since then), my younger daughter’s college courses and latest boy interest, my son's idea of hiking the entire Appalachian Trail, and of course politics. My oldest was at the Obama rally on February 10th and surprisingly reports that Obama seems to have support among a number of parents in her school’s district which encompasses some of the most Republican areas of Virginia Beach. All in all it was a pleasant time. I am very proud of both of my girls - smart, beautiful and nice individuals.

After brunch, I went by the cemetery where my sister and dad are buried since it is a short distance from the restaurant where we met. I rarely go there because (1) I believe once you die your soul is gone and the person is no longer there and (2) the cemetery is not far from my former neighborhood and I generally do not venture into that part of Virginia Beach very often. Since so many of my former “friends” who turned their backs on me when I came out of the closet live in that area of the city, I really have no desire to encounter the phony hypocrites. In any event, being at the cemetery made me think about a lot of things – how I wish I had been closer to my sister – keeping the “glass wall” between myself and others to protect “my secret,” I never shared as many thoughts and feelings with my sister as I should have. She was a class act and I wish she had lived long enough to know who I really am. Fortunately, my dad did get to know the real me and accepted and embraced that person.

After the cemetery and on the way back to Norfolk, I drove past my parents’ former homes – one they lived in for about two years when first moving to Virginia Beach and the other (about two blocks from the first) they owned for nearly 30 years. Happily, their house looked pretty much the same from the road, although the new owners have built a garage and redone some of the back yard which backs up to a lake where we used to canoe and water ski. Across the street from their last house, the home of a former neighbor who died about year ago had been totally replaced with a very large “McMansion” style house. Further down the street on the lake two other of the 1950’s vintage homes have been leveled and huge new homes are going up. I suspect that my parents’ home will survive the up scaling of the neighborhood since it a large house with graceful lines and a classic southern style pillared portico. Obviously, being in the neighborhood also brought back a flood of memories of all sorts, including past family gatherings and weddings (two of my sisters had their receptions at my parents' home), and even secret crushes from the past.

Things to Be Mindful of As We Approach a New Year

I from time to time hear from readers or acquaintances who complain that I do not appear to have much sympathy for those still large or completely in the closet, particularly after being in the closet so long myself. Believe me, I am not lacking in sympathy. However, my vision is of the day when no one has to go through what I did. In this regard, I do believe that the most powerful thing that each one of us can do is come out and live openly. The more of us who do so, be we professionals, celebrities, or the guy or girl next door, (1) the more the distorted stereotype of us put out by our enemies will be destroyed, and (2) the easier it will be for those who come after us to be out and open. In my own personal life, just being out and honest with clients - not that I advertise my orientation to them - has caused many to totally rethink their prejudices towards gays. Moreover, to my knowledge, not one client has stopped using my services because I am gay.

Yes, those who are married and have children are in a particularly difficult place and will have a rough road to travel. Having been there, I know the pain all too well. Other single, self employed professionals who do not run the risk of being fired yet stay in the closet out of fear, I do have less sympathy for. True, living openly can be very scary at first. But at the same time, these people could help make real change for all LGBT individuals occur and lessen the number of stories like the ones described in a column I came upon (http://www.365gay.com/opinion/corvino/corvino.htm):

There are still teenagers kicked out of the house for being gay—not to mention teenagers kept at home and berated by their parents for their “sinful” urges. Some will be sent to camps in damaging attempts to “cure” them. As you reflect on our progress, please remember these teenagers.

There are adults who will return home to their families nervously this holiday season. Some fear being grilled about their “lifestyles.” Others will suffer the dehumanizing ritual of silence among relatives who assiduously avoid the issue. The understood rule that some subjects are just too awkward, or too awful, to discuss, and so their longing for human connection becomes literally unspeakable. As you reflect on our progress, please remember these adults.

Remember those gay and lesbian folks who agonize about whether to bring their partners to the company holiday party and who make up elaborate stories to mask their lives. Remember those transgender folks who struggle not to wince when asked to bring a “male-specific” or “female-specific” present to the office gift exchange. And remember those GLBT folks in other parts of the world who wish they had such problems: their main concern is not getting jailed or killed.

Emerging from the Closet - The Struggle to Find a New Identity

In further follow up to yesterday’s post, after moving out of the marital home in an affluent suburban neighborhood, I moved into a two bedroom apartment in an old apartment building in Norfolk’s Ghent section. Having left pretty much all of the furniture in the house my wife continued to live with the children so as to minimize disruption and changes, my apartment looked at first more like early college dorm material than a real home. It’s amazing what you can do with stuff from Value City, Home Depot and Target to make do.

When the marital home was ultimately sold almost two years later in June of 2004, I did get some of the furniture my ex-wife did not want or which did not fit in the smaller house that she purchased. While not glamorous, the apartment was livable and conveniently located where there were numerous restaurants, a movie theater, a fabulous video rental store (with many, many foreign films and even a gay section), and other shops within walking distance. In some ways it was like moving to a small town within the larger city after living in suburbia. Even now, I live only minutes away from the apartment’s location and my office is not far away either.

On the work front, the downtown law firm I was with at the time knew that I was going through a divorce, but I did not elaborate on why the marriage was ending. Fortunately, a couple of the other attorneys had seen prior marriages end and, therefore, it was an issue no one seemed to have much interest in. Eventually, I think office staff and others began to figure it all out – especially after I ran into one employee and her husband at a local bar that I and a number of gay friends I had made by the time frequented some weekends. J, as I will call her, was totally cool about it as was her husband. Nonetheless, I tried to maintain a low profile and had some degree of paranoia about what might happen at the office if word got out. This area after all is not what one would call “gay friendly” to any degree. Not being out certainly greatly added to the level of worry and stress that I did not need on top of everything else. The largest burden at the time was the “Catholic guilt” I felt for having “failed” and allowed my marriage to end. Ultimately putting this misguided sense of guilt behind me - after all, I certainly never chose to be gay - would be among the hardest aspects of coming to accept myself and adjusting to a new life/identity.

Living alone was also a huge change after living in a household with three active children and the coming and goings of their numerous friends. Plus, I withdrew from many of my past activities in straight, GOP dominated Virginia Beach. Eventually, I sublet out the extra bedroom to a other gays (I most certainly did not want a straight roommate), both to cut over all expenses and to also feel less alone. Through them, I did meet more people and increased my sense of acceptance of being a gay man. I also found more ease in going out to venues as a gay man with other similar friends.

Things on the romance front were less than sparkling – nonexistent would be a better term – which only added to my sense of having lost everything, yet found nothing with which to replace it. This was especially true after things ended in my long distance relationship with RH in 2003, in part because he did not want to be “the other man” who ruined my marriage, not that it wasn’t ruined long be fore I ever meet him. Simply chatting with him online and/or talking on the telephone was a lifeline that became sorely missed. Moreover, I truly loved him, and part of me always will. This added layer of grief did not help my over all mindset.

Meanwhile, my therapist worked to get me to believe that I did not need a relationship to define me and that, rather than rush into something, living alone was in fact a viable option. In retrospect, one of my big issues was the belief that I HAD to have something to replace the dysfunctional marriage relationship that I had lost. One of the things that had pushed me to come out was the desire to have an authentic, fulfilling relationship with a guy I loved. As the saying goes, you find love when you are not looking for it. At the time, especially after losing RH, I was looking far too intently for it. Why? Partly, I suspect to convince myself that I was moving forward. I caused myself so much anguish instead of simply enjoying the now and not obsessing over the future. Much of my anguish, was self created. But at the time, I simply could not and/or would not see it.

Emerging From the Closet - Coming to Terms Living as a Gay Man

I stopped my on going chronology of my coming out process back at the time I moved out of the marital home in August, 2002. I now want to pick up that story and to reflect on my experiences and thoughts. I was definitely an emotional mess at the time and, while, facing the fact that I was indeed gay, I was anything but comfortable with it or happy where my life was at that point in time.

I suspect that no matter when one comes out, there will always be a potential for loss of friends, one’s existing social network and things that make up the familiar framework of daily life. In my case, having been married for 24 years and very involved in civic and education matters, politics, etc., and having almost no gay friends in the area, the stage was set for a huge vacuum to develop when I took the plunge of moving out. Perhaps part of this was based on my decision NOT to remain living in Virginia Beach where I was far too well known. Rather than face the gossip and endlessly encounter people, I moved to the Ghent area of Norfolk – about 20 miles away as the crow flies, but a totally different community, both socially, politically and in terms of gay acceptance. The immediate result was that socially I knew almost no one at all and most of my former “friends” in Virginia Beach cast me aside as I became invisible on the occasions I would attend school functions for my children or similar events.

As for the gay community and life in that community in the Hampton Roads area, I again knew basically no one. To make matters worse, given that so many in the local LGBT community live largely “under the radar,” meeting people with similar backgrounds and interests is all the more difficult. In terms of meeting other gays, the options as I saw them were (1) going to clubs, (2) chatting on line or (3) becoming involved any organizations that I could find that might attract other gays. Obviously, the club scene does not engender deep or philosophical conversations and I am not one who likes to just sit around basically getting drunk. Hence, I gravitated to the one gay club that focuses on non-stop dance music and where one truly did not need a partner to be out on the dance floor. I still go to that club, The Wave, with some regularity because dancing provides great aerobic exercise and for me dancing is a catharsis – losing one’s self to the music and forgetting the crap in one’s life. Surfing provides a similar benefit for me.

As for chatting on line, I met some nice people, although far too many are looking to hook up for sex and one seems to be little more than a piece of meat in their mind. I will not deny succumbing at times to such people, but it certainly was not something fulfilling, especially in retrospect. The fear of being alone sometimes would simply be too strong. At times in those dark days, any intimacy was better than nothing.

I was also very much plagued with the issue of being so much older at the time I came out. I viewed myself largely as a “has been” before I ever even got started. There are still times I feel that way about myself. Gay life certainly seems to worship youth and beauty in many ways and I did not have the youth part and could not remotely deceive myself of that reality. I suspect most gay men have hang ups about age and looks, but coming out into the gay community at age 50 is definitely a major downer. The other issue I found is that among the more desirable guys closer to my age that I did meet, most were already in relationships and off the market. Thus, those available were either “damaged goods” or were not seeking a committed long term relationship. As for younger guys, finding one with maturity and an attraction for someone older like me definitely limits the field of potential partners. Too often, a good heart and mind are no competition for toned abs and a tight body.

As a result of these factors, I generally despaired of ever finding “Mr. Right” and at times felt that I had lost my former life but had gained nothing to replace it. My long distance relationship with RH (that involved few actually meetings) ended during this time frame, further darkening my world. During this period, I also was not out at work, which added another layer of stress and anxiety to my life. The larger law firms in this area are still not very receptive to gays who live their lives openly.

In this somewhat pathetic mode, I muddled along and tried to focus on my therapy and getting to a point where I was OK with who I was as a gay man. Looking back, I am not sure if there was any easier process that I could have tried to follow. Perhaps in other larger cities with more openly gay populations, but not here in the greater Norfolk area where countless gays are still not out at work and many of those in the military live in fear under “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Being at an age and in a profession where relocating to another area job wise was not a viable option, I was basically stuck in Norfolk, for better or for worse.

I’d be lying if I did not admit that there were many times that I contemplated suicide as perhaps my best option – often just as a means of ending the sense of isolation and pain. I often felt that I had lost everything and had nothing acceptable to replace it. I was in a very, very dark place. In fact, prior to meeting Raymond nearly two years after moving out, I had largely decided that I had no intention of seeing my birthday in 2004. An overdose of pills, a surfing "accident" and other methods were regularly contemplated. Probably the one thing that held me back was the impact suicide would have on my children: severe emotional pain and damage and an increased risk of their possible future suicide.

Through out this period, my long suffering therapist was challenged with finding ways for me to see that the current state was not the guaranteed future reality. I am sure I was a total ass at times, but he kept on pushing me to accept the now, knowing that things COULD change for the better, if I would but believe it. I owe him so much for his never giving up on me and talking tough to me when I needed a good smack down.