Tonight is one of those nights when I wonder why I bother to try to soldier on. I put on a brave front much of the time and stay busy with work, this blog, and various activities. But every now and then, I just cannot pull out my depression. At least I don’t have any prescription sleeping pills or other things lying around – I might be tempted. I think once you have tried to overdose, the chances of doing it again are increased. Somehow the fear or whatever you want to call it is lessened.
It’s funny. The evening started out alright as I worked a fundraiser for Make a Wish Foundation – the Ghent Bar Tour with 12 participating local bars/restaurants in the Ghent neighborhood. My volunteer station was at a restaurant called The Boot. Lots of cute guys (mostly straight) came through during the evening. And, since we volunteers were dealing cards for a form of poker for the participants in the bar tour (prizes were awarded at the end of the evening), we ended up with patrons buying us drinks.
It’s funny. The evening started out alright as I worked a fundraiser for Make a Wish Foundation – the Ghent Bar Tour with 12 participating local bars/restaurants in the Ghent neighborhood. My volunteer station was at a restaurant called The Boot. Lots of cute guys (mostly straight) came through during the evening. And, since we volunteers were dealing cards for a form of poker for the participants in the bar tour (prizes were awarded at the end of the evening), we ended up with patrons buying us drinks.
In any event, I got on a definite buzz and went out dancing to work off the drinks. All the smiling couples around me made my loneliness come crashing down upon me even more and made me think that I am fated to be alone forever. A few more drinks did nothing to lighten my mood. So here I am at the computer venting my frustration and unhappiness. I know intellectually that no relationship is better than a bad relationship. Yet, sleeping alone with no one to hold and snuggle against or share my life with gets me down at times. I guess I will sign off now. I will hopefully be more cheerful in the morning.
3 comments:
Oh, darlin', I'm sorry. I know how it is to get down. Alcohol intensifies the emotion. When I feel I'm having a bad day I try to stay away from the drink because it'll make things much worse. I'll drink sometimes when I'm stressed, but if I'm getting depressed I try not to drink.
Hey, there, my good-looking "virtual" friend! I am hoping things are going better for you after yesterday and a couple rays o' sunshine. There are many who are alone although they are with someone as well. Listen to the message (as I am sure you have) that you are in need of something. Not that I really condone sleeping around, but a good date with someone (even if he's not particularly perfect in all ways) will remind you that you are a great catch -- which, by the way, you are (a hottie, at that!). It builds the confidence, you see. Not every man you date has to be the one you bed down with for the rest of your life. Let yourself live a bit. Let someone show you a good time. Let yourself be appreciated and loved. And, when you feel this way, find a friend that doesn't come from a bottle. It is a wicked vixen that lives there. I read your post that indicated you were feeling better, but still find it important that you know there are those of us who appreciate all that you have to offer. [[[[[[warm, soft, embrace]]]]].
Michael,
I know how tough it is. I am living it right now. Although I never married and really don't know much about having a relationship. I can imagine living with a spouse/bed partner for such a long time probably makes it tougher to be alone. That is my speculation not from experience. What I find tough about being older and gay is that men seem to be very visual and it seems everyone is looking for someone "hot." It seems as you get older you are not "hot" anymore but you still have experience and from the photos I have seen, very good looking. Don't give up hope. Tomorrow could be the day.
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