In follow up to yesterday's post, I had some further thoughts: I can understand how much a never closeted partner wants the formerly closeted partner to "feel comfortabe" in his/her own skin, but that is something that only the formerly closeted partner can achieve on their own and in their own time. Trying to push them along or making comments and complaints about their perceived occassional lapses from the view of the never closeted partner will only makes matters worse. In fact, it can cause a sense of further failure on the part of the formerly closeted partner who may still be struggling at times with feelings of guilt or failure for not having been able to succeed at being straight and thereby letting down a former spouse or not living up to family expectations. As their committed partner, you do not want to instill in them feelings of having failed at being straight and now failing at being gay and out. All that will be accomplished is causing depression, friction and alienation. I speak from expeience on this. In my view, as the never closeted partner, you do NOT want to go put your patner in this spot no matter how hard it might be at times trying to understand your partner's occassional inner conflicts. Be understanding and supportive. Your partner's actions and reactions have nothing to do with their feelings about you. Failure to heed this advice could - in fact, probably will - result in your unwittingly harming what otherwise is a wonderful relationship. Would that my ex could have understood this. It might not have saved our relationship, but it surely would have removed one area of frequent conflict.
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