Virginian Pilot Review of "A Single Man,"

While Tom Ford's "A Single Man" has received glowing reviews in the gay media (e.g., Out Magazine, which has stunning photos of Nicholas Hoult), I was stunned to see it get a positive review in the Virginian Pilot. The reviewer, Mal Vincent, typically doesn't like most movies, yet he heaps praise on Colin Firth's (pictured at right) performance and just maybe the review will cause some of the more homophobic elements in Tidewater Virginia to check the movie out - or at least be dragged to see it by their by their spouses. I have yet to see the movie, but it sounds like it will deliver a message that the Christianists so strongly oppose: that same sex love is legitimate and every bit as powerful and heterosexual love. Indeed, it is something beautiful and blessed by God. Here are a few highlights:
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When a character looks into a camera and tells you, quite flatly, that his heart is broken, you tend to reciprocate with more sympathy than any tearful, melodramatic scene might elicit.
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Such a scene is at the opening of "A Single Man," the directorial debut of fashion designer Tom Ford of Gucci, Yves Saint Laurent and his own label. At the center of the film is a stunning performance from British actor Colin Firth as a 52-year-old Los Angeles English professor who has lost the one thing that meant anything in his life, his partner. The film is set in 1962, eight months after the partner, played by Matthew Goode, was killed in an automobile accident.
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Firth plays the part of a repressed man who never had much personal life and now has lost that. The identity of his lover was, in accordance with the times, a secret. George goes about meticulous plans to kill himself - laying out the proper suit with instructions on tying a Windsor knot, getting papers into order and so on. It leads to an almost-comic-if-it-weren't-so-sad-scene.
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He began the current award season by winning the Venice Film Festival accolade for this performance and went on to raves at Toronto. He is nominated for a Golden Globe Award Sunday night and has a good chance at receiving an Oscar nomination.
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All the attention is well deserved. George is much more than a grief- stricken man. Firth let s us see that he's not entirely sympathetic. George is arrogant and distant, and he appears to be altogether self-sufficient. But he's not. That's what you call layered acting - emotions that develop rather than merely being trotted out.
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As it turns out, George seems to be getting encouragement from varied sources to end his mourning. These include a T-shirted James Dean look-alike hustler and a curious young student who has a crush on him. The latter role is played by Nicholas Hoult, who brings the very essence of youthful flirtation to the movie and to the world of his college professor. There is a nude swimming scene that would have made Deborah Kerr and Burt Lancaster blush from here to eternity.
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Ford, though, has not so much directed the movie as he has staged it. Every scene looks like a fashion layout for Vogue. There is the glass house - an architect's showcase. Moore wears stunning gowns just to hang around the house. Firth is tailored and groomed to perfection. If a guy is going to kill himself, he might as well look good doing it, right?
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The boyfriend and I definitely plan on seeing A Single Man.

As The World Turns Breaks New Ground

No doubt Don Wildmon and the fundies at American Family Association will be calling a boycott of CBS - after they get over their convulsions and hyperventilating - as a result of the afternoon soap opera, As the World Turns, showing a gay love scene that reveals love and romance rather than mere physical acts. It's about time that the USA entertainment networks acknowledge that gay relationships exist and that we feel love just like our heterosexual couples. A clip of the scene is set out below. Would that I had had a TV show that reflected my inner feelings and depicted gay relationships as normal when I was growing up. Kudos to CBS.

Merry Christmas!

I want to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas!!

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The boyfriend and I had a wonderful Christmas Eve with friends in Williamsburg last night and then attended a beautiful traditional Christmas service at St. John's Episcopal Church in Hampton (pictured at left) not too far from his home. We did this rather than drive all the way back to First Lutheran in Norfolk. St. John's is an interesting church since it is the oldest Anglican parish in continuous existence in America, dating from 1610 - yes, 10 years before the Pilgrims even landed in Massachusetts. The present church building dates from 1728 and is a beautiful cruciform structure.

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Later today we will drive up to Charlottesville to visit my mother for the weekend. My children are out of town - the girls are in New York City with the ex-wife's parents and my son now lives in Prescott, Arizona - but I will be calling them later in the day to wish them a wonderful Christmas. The boyfriend continues to be a sweetheart and a treasure and I am so fortunate to have him in my life. So far, our first Christmas together has been wonderful.

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Again, Merry Christmas to all of you who visit this blog.

Keys to A Successful Coming Out and Relationships

One of the reason I started this blog was to share my experiences coming out in mid-life and hopefully providing insights that would help others and/or allow them to side step some of my mistakes. Coming out is anything but an easy or overnight process and anyone contemplating doing so needs to understand that it will take time to get to the point of being at ease living as an out gay/lesbian. A couple of things have come to mind that I believe are important to making a successful transition.

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The first is the need to get involved in the gay community and organizations. Just going out to clubs or spending time in online chat rooms will not get you to the place you want to be. What prompted this thought is an article in the New York Times involving retirees who relocate to new locations, but much of the advice carries over to those in the coming out process since many of us find ourselves having to largely rebuild our social circles. Here are some highlights that I believe are applicable to those coming out:

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RUTH COY remembers the advice someone gave her for creating a new life in a new place: The magic words when you move to a new town are, ‘What can I do to help? . . . the most important factor for a successful transition is becoming connected to the local community. . . . “People need to participate in things,” said Warren Neal, an agent with ReMax Excaliber in Scottsdale, Ariz., “as a way to meet people in a new place.”

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While coming out may not involve moving to a new location in a physical sense, it will in many ways involve leaving old circles acquaintances and a need to become a part of new ones. Some of these should be within the larger LGBT community. This can include charitable organizations and other groups and activities. If one does not become involved, loneliness and a sense of isolation are likely outcomes.

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The second issue is finding ways to find a sense of comfort with one's sexual orientation and in time finding the right person for a committed relationship. When it comes to dating, it is important to remember that just because someone is attractive and/or shares some interests, it does not guarantee that they "are the one." It is very important that your would be partner be at a similar comfort level with who they are as you. Becoming involved with someone in the closet or who is not comfortable with their sexuality may well lead to problems. This quote from Gaytwogether looks at both the benefits of coming out and relationship pitfalls:

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He [the successful gay dater] has addressed any issues pertaining to internalized homophobia, feels a sense of acceptance and pride with being gay, and has overcome a lot of the gay stereotypes and myths that abound about gay men and dating. Coming out isn’t for everyone, but the more accepting you are about your sexual identity, the greater quality of life you can experience. You don’t have to live a double life any more, you no longer have to lie or hide behind secrets, you can live with less fear and stress, and your self-esteem tends to be higher in most cases. It’s not an easy feat, however—there’s years worth of shame to work through, but for most people the journey is beneficial as they can then live more authentically and truly be themselves. Dating and relationships can be made difficult without a resolution to this, particularly if both men are in different places of the coming-out continuum.

Outer Banks Sojourn

My boyfriend and I had a wonderful escape to the Outer Banks even though the winds off the ocean had to be 35- 40 knots and were pushing the raging surf up to the dune line at high tide. His friend's vacation house is beautiful and, unlike many of the newer monstrosities that have been built in recent years, has the wonderful feel of a true beach house. As for his friend, she is a warm, open minded and fun person and I am glad that I had an opportunity to get to know her better. The house party next month should be a lot of fun.

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Today we attended the second session of the discussion group at my parish reviewing the proposed statement on human sexuality. As was the case of last week, today's session showed a great deal of understanding and acceptance. I hope and pray that the church wide assembly will do the right thing and adopt a gay accepting and gay affirming policy.

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Tonight the boyfriend and I plan on spending a quiet evening at his home watching a movie or just relaxing and enjoying each other's company. I cannot recount how much having the boyfriend in my life has enhanced my happiness. I truly hope that I give him the happiness he has given me.

Sunday Reflections and Thoughts on "My Walk Down the Pink Carpet"

UPDATED: I spent the afternoon at friends in Virginia Beach - they have a gorgeous house on a lake with a beautiful pool. Today was likely the last of their summer Sunday afternoon potluck pool parties. As always, the crowd was entertaining and the all gay volley ball games in the pool were hysterically funny - there's nothing like a bunch of queens witrh some vodka punch in them to generate hilarious commentary, especially when the referee is doing his best imitation of Linda Richmond from the old SNL skits.

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.Last night's fundraiser event with Leslie Jordan was wonderful. His 90 minute show moved by swiftly and was both extremely funny and conveyed an important message about self-acceptance and not trying to live your life as others would have you live it as well. The place was packed as was the post-show event. The boyfriend and I got autographed books and also had a friend take our photo with Jordan who was very friendly and gracious. When I get the photo, I will post it if we come out looking decent. Afterwards, the boyfriend and I went to The Wave for some dancing. All in all, it was a wonderful evening.

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This morning marked the first discussion session at my church of the draft ELCA Statement on Human Sexuality which my boyfriend attended with me. It started out a little slow but warmed up in time and focused on gays in the church after an elegant older woman with a Katherine Hepburn accent - she looked to be in her 70's - threw down the gauntlet by stating that in her view sexual orientation was not a choice and that the ELCA just needed to accept that and fully include gays. I shared my experiences and the fact that 37 years of trying to change got me nowhere. Other members of the group added in their views that being gay was not a choice as well. The majority consensus seemed to be with her and it will be interesting to see how the next two sessions proceed. After the session we attended the 11:00 am service - my boyfriend's first time at an ELCA service - and he got to meet my friend from the summers of my youth who attends my parish.

Labor Day Weekend Retrospective

As I indicated in a post yesterday morning, I had a truly wonderful weekend spending the vast majority of the weekend with my boyfriend of roughly a month and a half. We did, in fact, end up spending the afternoon at a friend's pool sipping white sangria my boyfriend whipped up. The pool crowd is both interesting and fun. The owner of the house with the pool is a single gay man who lets neighbors from the surrounding close knit neighborhood congregate and socialize at his pool. The other neighbors are a mix of single gays, gay couples and several middle aged straight couples, all of whom are totally accepting and cool hanging out with the gay boys. It's a unique crowd and exemplifies how all neighborhoods should be in my view.

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I intend to protect my boy friend's privacy, but one strange coincidence came up that I want to mention, in part because it will allay questions of what he looks like. We were chilling last night and watching the gay romance theme movie, The Trip, which I have seen before but which he had never seen before. The coincidence is that the Tommy character in the movie played by Steve Braun (especially in the portion of the movie where he has mid-length hair) looks remarkably like my boyfriend in an old high school senior picture he had showed me earlier in the weekend. It was really uncanny. So, those of you who want to know what my sweetie looks like, go rent the movie and picture a somewhat older version of Tommy. :)

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One thing the weekend definitely re-enforced for me was just how sweet and talented my boyfriend is. He has a beautiful heart, is intelligent and is totally comfortable in his own skin. I also very much like the way he confidently and unapologetically introduces me to all of his friends as his boyfriend. I find all of these to be very attractive qualities and hope that as time passes we come treasure each other even more. Is he "the one"? I'm not sure yet, but he is definitely a contender.

Further Weekend Reflections

I am truly having a wonderful weekend. I have met a goodly number of my boy friend's friends and it's a good reflection on him how highly they all seem to think of him. Living in the south side of Hampton Roads, I really do not know many people from the Hampton/Newport News side of the bridge tunnel. This long weekend has been the most time I have spent with my new boy friend on a continuous basis and it has been very, very pleasant. He continues to prove to be a most kind and sensitive guy and he makes me feel so good about myself. We seem well matched in terms of our romanticism. I do tease him, however, that I feel like I am staying with Martha Stewart because his home is so beautiful and well organized. When I think of my boy friend, I feel a warm glow. Hope none of you readers are gagging at the sentimentalism. :) I'm not sure what the game plan is for today - perhaps just relaxing and then hanging out pool side at a friend's place nearby.

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I did have a interlude with the past yesterday for a few hours, however. My former b/f and his new partner were in town from North Carolina and he came and got the balance of his things that have been being stored at my house for over a year. His new love interest seems nice and is nice looking. I wish them both much happiness and I told my ex "don't screw it up." With his stuff gone from the house, I feel that chapter of my life is more finished and that all my focus now is on going forward, especially now that I have someone new and wonderful in my life. Who is to say where it all will lead. All I know is that I am happy for now and will savor living these moments.

Weekend Happiness

It is Saturday and I will be spending most of the weekend with my new b/f at his wonderful home. We have had a number of social engagements - cocktail party, dinner with a group of his friends and the theater - today as I meet his friends. I will not be spending much time on line and, as a result, I will not be posting very often over the next few days.

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The weekend started wonderfully last night when he took me for a romantic dinner. Today was a most enjoyable day too. I feel a sense of peace and saftey when I'm with him and he has further shown himself to be a sweet and wonderful guy. When he holds me in his arms, I could have the moment last forever. It is truly amazing for me and I think that I give him similar happiness. I am letting go of fear and opening my heart to him and he is filling it with love and affection. I feel blessed that we found each other and I am enjoying living in the moment with him. More about the weekend on Monday or Tuesday.

Weekend Reflections

I spent the majority of my weekend with my new boy friend and had a wonderful time. Friday night we went and saw Mama Mia - it's a great movie, especially if one is an ABBA fan - and than we went to his gorgeous home in Hampton, Virginia. Hampton was founded in 1610 and is the oldest continuously occupied English settlement in the United States and it is located on the other side of Hampton Roads harbor from where I live. Saturday brought a relaxing morning, followed by a number of hours at the office and then last night we went to the TACT fundraiser at the Ocean View Pier I mentioned earlier in the week - the turn out was huge - and we both had a great time and danced under the stars (he's a great dancer, thank goodness since I love to dance). Today we had a leisurely day and spent the afternoon lazing by one of his friends' pool in another neighborhood in Hampton. The pool crowd was an interesting mix of straights and gays and was a very pleasant time.

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As for my boy friend, I'm not sure how to describe him. First, he is blond and has green eyes and is a little shorter than me. He's not that much younger than me - four years younger in fact - but he has a very boyish look to him and a very sweet and playful heart. Oh, and he's very romantic. He treats me wonderfully and I am still getting used to feeling worthy of such attention and affection. I feel a real sense of peace when I am with him and hope that I give him the same feeling. I confessed to him that I am a little bit afraid. No one has ever seemed to treasure me so in a relationship and I truly do not want to be hurt again after my tumultuous last relationship. I'm trying to do what my former therapist lectured me to do - live in the moment and enjoy the wonder of his company and not let myself over think everything. As things play out I will come to know if he's truly "the one." So far, things are looking good and he is giving me much happiness. As I said, I hope that I can give him the same.

New Boyfriend

I spent much of the past weekend with a sweet guy that I began seeing about a month ago. It's funny because we first met perhaps almost five years ago and although it turns out both of us felt attraction to the other at that time, he was in a relationship that continued for a number of years more. By happen stance we have seen each other several times in recent months at fundraising and marketing/networking events. Then a month ago he took the initiative and told me he was single now and that he'd like to have dinner with me. From then on we've been seeing each other frequently and yesterday decided that we'd date each other exclusively and see where things go.

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He's smart and a good conversationalist, sweet, caring, sensual, and treats me like no one ever has before. It feels wonderful, although strange at the same time. He truly makes me feel special. Like my incorrigible angel, he seems to see things in me that I don't even see or feel. It feels so comfortable and safe and so far he has made me very happy. Hopefully, I make him equally happy. I certainly want to do so.

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And yes, he knows about this blog. :)

A Gay Wedding Celebration

Yesterday evening two of my best friends in the world, Martin and Christopher, had their long delayed wedding reception/celebration at Tower Hill located in Cape Charles on Virginia's Easter Shore. Photos of the house which dates from 1746 are posted below. They were married hastily last year in Canada so that Christopher's mother Cissi could be at their wedding given her failing health and losing battle to leukemia. Sadly, she lost her battle on August 25, 2007, and the world lost one of the greatest ladies I have ever known. In the wake of her death and with the demands of starting their architecture firm, Equal Spaces, P. C., the time wasn't right for such a celebration. It all came together last night, however, in the form of a wonderful event held at Tower Hill overlooking the scenic creek that flows out into the Chesapeake Bay. Cissi was most certainly at the event last night in spirit and in the form of large prints of photos taken at the wedding ceremony in Niagara Falls last summer. I wish Martin and Christopher every happiness and much success in life. They have been invaluable friends to me in my journey to self-acceptance.

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One interesting aside is that among the guests were a couple that used to be my neighbors in my closet/married phase of my life. Their sons in fact were among my son's good friends and I even had drafted the construction contract for when they built their home. I also knew the wife's brother who was a local banker. I recently re-connected with him through Glee.com and discovered that he too had come out of the closet not too many years back. We had a great time talking and catching up on things and what our respective children were doing. Needless to say they are gay supportive.

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All in all, it was a wonderful evening attended by many other friends and the families of the wedding couple. For me, it underscored the beauty of true love and commitment.

ACCESS AIDS Care Fundraiser

Some friends - a nice gay couple - hosted a fundraiser last night at their beautiful home on a tranquil lake in Virginia Beach to benefit ACCESS AIDS Care which provides services and programs to children, adults and their families infected with and affected by HIV/AIDS. These services include but are not limited to case management, housing, transportation, outreach, meals, daycare and HIV testing. It is a wonderful organization and one in which I plan to become more involved. The party was fantastic and had a huge turn out. The attendees included some of the usual Sunday afternoon crowd that congregates by the pool at my friends' home most weekends for insane volleyball tournaments - the usual get together is on for today - plus scores of others.

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The theme was "Risky Business" and there were lots of Tom Cruise wanna be folks in atendance, complete with their oxford shirts and white briefs for the Tom Cruise look a like contest. One of my paralegals and his boyfriend attended and seemed to have a good time. The crowd was predominantly older, but Matt and Rob both seemed comfortable and ended up in the pool as did most people before the evening was over. Much to my pleasant surprise, the new potential love interest in my life showed up too. Since he lives in Hampton on the other side of the Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel, I had not expected to see him, but he apparently had hoped I would be at the function. He rode over with friends after they had previously been to a birthday function on their side of the water. All and all, it was a wonderful function and no doubt raised a good amount of money for a very worthy cause.

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Afterwards, some of us went to The Wave for some dancing and as a result, I am moving a little slow today. :) Especially since I slipped while dancing - someone spilled a drink on the smooth steel dance floor which makes it as slick as glare ice - and I managed to mess up my lower back, although I avoided the embarrassment of wiping out completely. Nothing worse than looking like you're sh*tfaced when you're not.

My Quest

During my telephone conversation with Justin (for new readers, he's a West Coast blogger friend) yesterday, he asked me what I wanted most in life. He suggested that based on our conversations over the last four months that what I really wanted was a guy for a committed, loving, monogamous relationship. While he teased me in part about my list of what I do not want in a guy - facial hair, being overweight, and closeted, all of which are pretty non-negotiable - he said I need to enunciate what I want and to talk more about my positive attributes. On the latter topic, I do think I am a nice person - despite what my ex-wife or former in laws might say - and that I am kind, honest, loyal, compassionate (perhaps to a fault at times), romantic, passionate and sincere. I like to make others - my partner in particular - happy and doing so makes me happy. Also, while hardly a Bel Ami model, I think I am decent looking, have a pretty nice body (especially for a guy my age). So why aren't guys flocking to my door?? To be candid, I don't know why. As I said in my post about Lately Gay, it does feel at times that I missed the window of opportunity by coming out so late in life. Not that I regret coming out since it has led to a self-acceptance that I believe I would never otherwise have found.

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Seriously, however, Justin is correct about what I want most in life at this point: "Mr. Right" with whom I can have a mutually fulfilling monogamous relationship. My vision when I first decided to come out was to find a guy with whom I could have a relationship akin to my married life with my former wife, except that it would be complete because it would be based on my true sexual orientation as opposed to a construct based on the expectations of family, church and society. Having said that, I do want to state for the record, that I did love my ex-wife when I married her and through the years we were together. sadly, I do not think she will every fully understand that. It was simply a case of trying to force the square peg into a round hole. It just will not work long term.

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So what do I want in a guy? First and foremost, I want someone who is intelligent, a good person and totally comfortable with himself and his sexuality. Being able to talk and have conversation on a myriad of topics is important in my view. So too, I do not want to be haunted by someone else's demons since I have worked so very hard to put my own behind me. Likewise, I do not want to have to be someone else's "dirty secret" because they are not out to family or at work. While I might make an exception for someone in the military if there was a clear end date after which he'd be totally out, I feel that being openly gay has been so liberating and essential to true self-acceptance, I'd be afraid about what being with someone closeted long term would do to both him and me. As for what do I mean by a good person, I think that includes being faithful, compassionate, honest, sincere, loving, romantic, and many similar attributes. Monogamy is also a must since if I am going to totally and completely give myself to someone, I expect a similar love/commitment in return. Being able to be passionate is also a requirement.

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A final and important requirement is that there be physical attraction between us. From my experience, if the attraction/chemistry isn't there, sooner or later the relationship will fall apart, much as happened with my straight marriage. Eventually, the effort to make it work just becomes too heavy. Where does all of this leave me? I guess hoping that at some point this wonderful person will find me and/or that we find each other. Since I am shy (even if opinionated on some topics) when it comes to personal romance, I suspect he will have to make the first move. :)

Romance Front Update and This and That

Since a number of readers are asking in their e-mails, let it be known that my brief dating trend that I reference briefly with one particular guy that started a month or so ago has ended - I think in essence, we were just too different and not all that compatible. However, all is not lost. :) There appear to be some possible prospects on the horizon. It's still way to early in the process to know for sure where things will lead, but I remain optimistic and - if things move the way that I hope they will - I will report at some future point to satisfy "inquiring minds."

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Meanwhile, I went to a great birthday party last night for one of my fellow HRBOR board members up in the Ocean View area of Norfolk. Good food, good adult beverages, and good music contributed to make it a very good time. A couple of "eye candy" quality guys did not hurt either. I did find myself chuckling to myself a few times, however, since the crowd was mostly lesbians, but they surely did not fit the straight world stereotype of what lesbians look like. Many were so-called lipstick lesbians who were knockouts. The Christianists would have had their narrow-minded bigotry blown away. On the way home, I stopped at The Wave and got an aerobic workout dancing.

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As for today, I'm not sure what the day will bring. It's not even 11:00 AM and I've been up for hours thanks to my dog who decided he just HAD to go out early this morning. I've had plenty of time to read the news online, search for some new "male beauty" photos, do this morning's blog posts and I will probably do yard work in a bit (it's been very dry, so mowing the grass will be mainly cutting down spotty weeds and self-seeded plum trees that spring up from pits spead all over the yard by birds who always get the ripe plims on my plum tree before I do). Why is it what you don't want to grow always seems grow far faster than the grass. After that, I may just sun in the backyard rather than journey to the beach. Once again, the waves are flat and surf conditions are poor, which seems to be the usual weekend drill of late. If I am lucky, I may hear from a certain someone later in the day. :)

Dating Values

Lately, Michael at Gaytwogether - who I will admit I communicate with and find to be a very sweet and thoughtful guy - seems to be doing posts aimed at me and my quest to successfully re-enter the dating world and, hopefully find "Mr. Right" after eleven months of recovering from the end of my last relationship. I am admittedly a bit gun shy of getting involved with someone who might turn out not to be "the one," but I do believe that I am happiest when in a committed relationship. The question is how to (1) attract the type of guy that's right and (2) project a true image of who I am. In a recent post on his blog, Michael has an article by a personal coach that gives some advice and tips. Here are some highlights of what I am trying to do myself based on the article:

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Your first step before you ever set foot into the dating jungle is to have a solid sense of identity—to know who you are and what you’re looking for. Without this knowledge, you’ll likely wander and connect aimlessly with men crowding the dating pool who have little in common with you except being single as well (and sometimes not even that!). . . . And that’s where your values come in!

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They give your life meaning and they are the essence of who you are and what you believe in. They are a core piece of your identity, the filler for your sense of self—your internal nucleus of sorts. Without values, life would feel empty, depressing, and stale. There would be no sense of purpose or motivation.

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Coming-out is an example of the value you place in taking pride of your true self. So in identifying your values, it will be important for you to distinguish between what’s truly something you believe in versus what could potentially be someone else’s expectations of you. Whose voice do you hear? Your own? Mom or Dad? Church?

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The most successful couples in relationships have shared values. Nothing provides the sustenance and glue to a partnership than values; everything else pales in comparison. You and that guy sitting across from you at the coffee shop may be totally attracted to each other (but he’s SO hot!), but if you don’t have comparable visions or philosophies of life, you’ll be setting yourselves up for tons of conflict and disappointment.

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By being yourself, expressing your true sense of self in every word and action, you’re showing the world the canvas of your identity and will increase your odds of attracting other similar guys. And by being true to your values, you will be less prone to molding yourself around a relationship with a man just for the sake of being in one because you’re making conscious decisions to honor your beliefs and what’s important to you to be happy.

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Much of this can also be describes as "to thine own self be true." I want to find a guy who wants and loves me for me and not some role I'm playing to please him. At the same time, I want Mr. Right to be able to be himself and not feel that he has to try to be what he he thinks I want him to be. After all my years in the closet trying to be what others wanted/expected, it is truly liberating and self-affirming to just be me. I suspect that a relationship between two open and honest guys who have a solid sense of who they are and their common values would be equally wonderful.

Lost Love

I recently did a post on relationship boundaries. My intent behind the post was to focus upon the need for boundaries for a relationship to work and last over time. Seeing the article on Gaytwogether I referenced prompted the idea for the post, in fact. I did not intend by the post to imply that my ex-partner is a bad person or that all fault for our relationship's end was his - I had a lot of baggage not the least of which was a nasty, scorched earth divorce battle that drove my children away form him as well as me, and I probably was not what he needed.

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Since I know he reads this blog, I wanted to state both to him for the record that despite our ultimate incompatability as a couple, in many ways he is one of the kindest, most generous and caring persons I have ever known. I know he loves me and I wish him only good fortune and happiness - he deserves happiness. He will always have a special place in my heart. Although bad luck, fate or whatever one might want to called it doomed us to not remain together, there were definitely good times between us and I will always treasure those moments. Likewise, I will never forget the way that he loved my children and my family.

Saturday Ramblings

For a change I did nothing much today other than mindless activities - mowed the grass, went to the beach in the Ocean View area of Norfolk (pictured above) since there were no waves for surfing in Virginia Beach, grocery shopping and a review of online news. Tomorrow I am driving to Richmond with my youngest daughter to retrieve the balance of her things from her dorm for summer break (she brought home as much as would fit in her car so hopefully we need pick up only her refrigerator and some boxes). It will give us some time together in the car to talk and just enjoy being with each other.

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Yesterday, I spoke with my older daughter and she's awaiting confirmation that she has a full time job in August with the Virginia Beach School system. She has been working as a long term substitute and once the school year is over will once again be the head coach for our former neighborhood pool swim team, one of the largest and best in the summer swim league which includes 24 teams, split into four divisions based on the strength of the teams. Alanton-Baycliff is one of the few teams (perhaps one of two) that has always managed to remain in the top tier division. Last summer she had well over 200 swimmers on her team.

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Nothing on the local romantic front. At times I don't think Mr. Right exists - or if he does he's on the other side of the country or world somewhere. Which is the next closest thing to not existing. I know that some readers think I have unrealistic standards, but after a long straight marriage, a failed long distance gay relationship and a failed monogamous gay relationship that ended last summer, I really, really do not want to just settle for someone. Just as I tell my business clients that sometimes no deal is better than a bad deal, no relationship is better than one that is dysfunctional and emotionally draining. Luckily, my roommates provide companionship since I do not like living alone. And if I have admirer(s) out their, show yourself since I am a bit obtuse when it comes to picking up signals that guys are interested in me. :)

Surrounded by People But All Alone - Update

I want to thank all of you who have been supportive through your telephone calls, e-mails and comments. It is very moving for me that a number of you care about me as much as you do. Some messages have given me things to think about in terms of self improvement efforts as well. I have been told that I am "a bit opinionated at times," which I will concede is an accurate statement. However, I really do try to back my opinions with facts and/or personal experiences so that I am not simply shooting my mouth off with no clue as to what the real facts are. If I am out in left field, I am never taken aback if one of you wants to point out perceptions or angles that I have perhaps over looked, so feel free to send me your thoughts.

Another reader commented that "you set your standards so high you'll never be able to reach them (in regard to a relationship)" and "I believe if you look back, there have been those who have been interested, but didn't quite come up to your standards." I truly do not think I am looking for perfection - I simply have a vision of what I would like in a partner and would really like to "get it right" the next time I enter into a relationship. At nearly 56, I figure I do not have time to waste screwing up on false starts. I know that I am far from perfect and accept the imperfections of others. Honesty, a decent level of intelligence, and a good heart are perhaps the highest prerequisites for me. I guess not being a total couch potato is another - I like quiet evenings at home, but also like to be involved in things that I'm passionate about (HRBOR, EV, gay activism, politics) and like many types of social settings.

I will also confess that at times I can be a bit obtuse when it comes to recognizing that someone is interested in me. In my closeted life, my former wife would often tell me at times that women were checking me out or flirting with me and I'd be utterly oblivious to it. In some ways, I am still that way in the gay dating world. Without some type of encouragement (and probably not all that subtle), I am likely to never make the first move so as to avoid being shot down in flames and humiliated. I will also admit that I have a real hang up about my age and wonder at times what I have to offer someone who is active and vibrant. The gay dating scene seems to place so much emphasis on youth and I can't deceive myself that I am young even if I do not act or feel "old." I would also say that I suspect that what some may see as aloofness at times is really me being afraid of rejection.

Again, thanks for all the friendship and support. It means ever so much to me.

Thoughts on Same-Sex Committed Relationships

I have been conversing recently with a friend about the ups and downs and challenges of gay relationships and why I believe we seem to face more challenges in maintaining stable relationships - or at least so some people claim. Obviously, not having any legal recognition of same-sex relationships in the vast majority of states or under the federal laws in and of itself deprives gay of relationships of a legal framework and societal recognition that enhances stability. I also believe that gay relationships are more difficult than those of heterosexuals because (1) there are no real role models that define what such relationships should look like - we make up our own rules, so to speak, and (2) when you do not have kids and all the activities and chaos they generate, there is much more time for couples to focus upon relationship issues.

On this latter point, from my experience in the closet and living in a straight marriage for many years, I believe that married heterosexuals with kids are just plain exhausted by the end of most days due to all the family related things going on. Between work, household chores, child rearing duties and childrens' activities, there simply is very little time left to contemplate the larger issues of one's relationship with the other spouse. In the majority of gay relationships, such is not the case and therefore, the greater amount of time there is to evaluate the relationship and to scrutinize perceived failings. For straights, assuming couples remain together and have children, arriving at this situation occurs much later in the relationship, generally in middle age. Hence, this is why I think so many married couples - at least in the US - split and divorce once the kids are grown and the parents become empty nesters. Suddenly, it is just the two of them and many come to realize the relationship is either not there anymore and/or that it is not what they want/need.

In my own case, perhaps because of all my years in a marriage, I want a relationship that is akin to marriage with someone who will be my soulmate and best friend.