First Person Account: I Was a Gay Priest for 25 Years

As many regular readers know, I was raised Roman Catholic, was an altar boy for 10 years and eventually rose to the level of a 4th Degree Knight of Columbus.  From this experience - and from being gay - I know first hand that few things inflict more emotional and psychological harm than Catholicism and is emphasis on guilt, self-loathing and, of course, constant condemnation of all things sexual, especially homosexuality.   The result was that it took years of therapy - and leaving Catholicism - to undo the damage done to me by my religious upbringing.  I am but one of millions of LGBT individuals damaged by the Catholic Church and its obsession with a 13th century understanding of sex and sexuality.  A piece in The Daily Beast looks at my experience but with a special twist - the author is a former gay Catholic priest.  Unlike the author, I believe only massive defections from membership and plummeting financial support will bring the Church hierarchy to re-evaluate its homophobia.  Here are article highlights:

At age 54, and after 25 years as a Roman Catholic priest, I left the priesthood in November 2014, and came out as a gay man.

Seeking to be more honest with myself, and understanding the limitations that come with being a gay priest, this was a choice that was healthiest for me. There is no infrastructure within the Church to support me as a gay man. And the Church is not at her best when speaking to and about people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT), or even questioning their sexual orientation or gender identity.

Before leaving, I had a unique role in priesthood in that I provided leadership training, development, and consulting primarily for bishops and priests throughout the country. I served them, I assisted them, and I coached them.

Because I thought I had a credible relationship with bishops, in particular, I invited them to seize an opportunity regarding the LGBT community and the recent Supreme Court decision on marriage equality and October’s Synod on the Family at the Vatican, in which bishops and cardinals will discuss a range of issues related to family and evangelism.

Alas, only one of the 82 bishops I contacted has chosen even to respond. I found the non-response to be a great disappointment.

Still, as someone who was a Roman Catholic priest and who understands my own sexual orientation, I am offering to be a part of the solution for the Church leaders in their struggling relationship with LGBT people. Here are four things the leaders of the Roman Catholic Church can do, without changing Church teaching on sexuality:

First, as the Hippocratic Oath holds, they should do no harm: pause the public statements that deny LGBT people’s experience of themselves, that fan the flames of fear regarding religious freedom in America, and that perpetuate misunderstanding. Enter a period of silence and reflection—not hesitation, but consideration.

Second, to open such a period of reflection, bishops should organize an ad-hoc committee of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) that seeks to understand the LGBT community and persons.

The next step would be to revisit the 2006 pastoral document, Ministry to Persons with Homosexual Inclinations, . . . so as to update recommendations and language. For instance, gay persons are not persons who have “homosexual inclinations.” To refer to our expression of sexual love as “intrinsically disordered” is neither helpful nor useful.

Finally, put in place an education process, through the USCCB, to enable all ecclesiastic leadership—ordained and lay—to live a life of ministry and/or celibacy with more authenticity and self-acceptance. Currently, gay and bisexual priests and bishops, for the most part, are quietly closeted, even amongst themselves.


Even in the absence of doctrinal change, promoting understanding, sensitivity, and proper language are acts of profound ministry. Through them, all of us become more inclusive, understanding, and respectful—even if we don’t always agree on issues or teachings.

My purpose is to be of service to the Church on this issue. There is a unique opportunity here given the events that are shaping people’s lives in the Church and throughout the nation. The right and responsible thing to do, as an act of leadership, is to understand LGBT persons, and to use language that respects them by listening and seeking to understand the joys and challenges they face in their lives. Everyone benefits, and the face of God is experienced more deeply.

I like the author's ideas.  Sadly, I see them as wishful thinking.  Here in the Diocese of Richmond even divorced and remarried Catholics - where the divorce was due to the other spouse - are subjected to witch hunts and bars on employment by the current bishop.  That being the case, what are the chances of gays being seen as even fully human?  No, the Catholic Church must experience a huge decline - which may be approaching - in order for it to move into the 21st century.

Weekend Reflections

I spent the majority of my weekend with my new boy friend and had a wonderful time. Friday night we went and saw Mama Mia - it's a great movie, especially if one is an ABBA fan - and than we went to his gorgeous home in Hampton, Virginia. Hampton was founded in 1610 and is the oldest continuously occupied English settlement in the United States and it is located on the other side of Hampton Roads harbor from where I live. Saturday brought a relaxing morning, followed by a number of hours at the office and then last night we went to the TACT fundraiser at the Ocean View Pier I mentioned earlier in the week - the turn out was huge - and we both had a great time and danced under the stars (he's a great dancer, thank goodness since I love to dance). Today we had a leisurely day and spent the afternoon lazing by one of his friends' pool in another neighborhood in Hampton. The pool crowd was an interesting mix of straights and gays and was a very pleasant time.

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As for my boy friend, I'm not sure how to describe him. First, he is blond and has green eyes and is a little shorter than me. He's not that much younger than me - four years younger in fact - but he has a very boyish look to him and a very sweet and playful heart. Oh, and he's very romantic. He treats me wonderfully and I am still getting used to feeling worthy of such attention and affection. I feel a real sense of peace when I am with him and hope that I give him the same feeling. I confessed to him that I am a little bit afraid. No one has ever seemed to treasure me so in a relationship and I truly do not want to be hurt again after my tumultuous last relationship. I'm trying to do what my former therapist lectured me to do - live in the moment and enjoy the wonder of his company and not let myself over think everything. As things play out I will come to know if he's truly "the one." So far, things are looking good and he is giving me much happiness. As I said, I hope that I can give him the same.

Roman Catholic Church - Actions Speak Louder than Words

During the recent Papal visit to the USA, Benedict XVI made statements of sorrow and apology for the Catholic Church sex abuse scadal and cover ups. Pretty words, yet the Church's actions show that they were hollow - something many of us knew even as they were came out of Benedict's mouth. The Church hierarchy's only concern is about loss of money and bad publicity. They don't gaive a rat's ass about victims, past or future, as evidenced by the Church's conduct in connection with a known child molester thought to be residing in Northern Virginia. As the Washington Post is reporting, Bishop Paul S. Loverde - an arch conservative and anti-gay bigot who wrote a letter urging Virginia Catholics to support Virginia's anti-gay Marriage Amendment - is failing to take appropriate action to warn residents about a Connecticut priest thought to be living in Northern Virginia. The Bishop's attitude is basically, who cares if more unsuspecting children are molested. Here are some story highlights:

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A small group of clergy sexual abuse survivors met outside the Catholic Diocese of Arlington yesterday to push church officials for more information about a Connecticut priest thought to be living in Northern Virginia. Representatives of the regional offices of the Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests (SNAP) say they are upset that diocesan officials didn't tell the public when they learned in March that the Rev. Stephen Foley, 66, was living in Chantilly.

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The Archdiocese of Hartford has made payments to 12 men who said they were victims of Foley's, including a single $599,000 settlement in March. A former state police chaplain, Foley drove a Ford Crown Victoria -- a common police vehicle -- until last year, when the Hartford archbishop reportedly ordered him to sell it. Alleged victims said he used the car to lure children.

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But Becky Ianni, a Burke woman who was sexually abused by a priest as a child and is the leader of the Northern Virginia SNAP chapter, said parishioners should have been told. "This is the history of the church; they keep it among themselves," she said. In a letter delivered to the Arlington diocese yesterday, SNAP said Bishop Paul S. Loverde "has a moral duty to warn unsuspecting families and neighbors, Catholic and non-Catholic, about Foley's presence here."