Wingnuts Slam Funding for for Gay Domestic Violence Counseling

I have written before about domestic abuse and violence in same sex relations - in fact I was once in a relationship that eventual progressed to physical violence before I ended it. No one should have to live in fear in their own home and those who use violence against purported loved ones do indeed need counseling. The City of Alexandria, Virginia - one of the most progressive in Virginia in contrast to places like Martinsville, Virginia where an anti-gay Neanderthal mentality still flourishes - recognized the reality of domestic violence in LGBT relationships and wisely allocated money to support a Gay domestic violence program. Needless to say, this prompted gay haters to foam at the mouth and do what they do best: make hate filled anti-gay statements and act as if LGBT individuals are not citizens like everyone else. Here are some from The Edge on the matter (NOTE: abuse need not be physical):

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Federal dollars continue to be earmarked for a wide array of uses in an ongoing attempt to jump-start the economy. But political pundits on the right have been eager to point to federal dollars going to controversial arts programs or, in the case of a domestic violence program in Alexandria, Virginia, services that benefit GLBT Americans. Right-wing news outlet CNS.com reported in an Aug. 6 article that the city of Alexandria--where CNS News is based--would receive federal stimulus money to "train staff who work with sexual/domestic violence victims who identify themselves as member of the gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender community."

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The sum of lucre in question to be used for a service that might save lives? Less than $37,000--out of nearly $42 million total that the city is slated to receive, a sum that includes nearly a quarter of a million dollars for dental services for the poor and more than $800,000 for new public transit buses.

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Domestic violence is about one partner in an intimate relationship exerting control over the other in a variety of ways, some involving brute force and some relying on emotional or psychological manipulation. The nature of domestic violence and its dynamics are the same in mixed-gender and same-gender relationships, as an Aug. 3 report on the phenomenon at EDGE reported.

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"Threats are often used to control behavior or denigrate a person’s identity. That makes it a particularly insidious form of violence" that extends the influence of the batterer into the personal sphere of the victim by seeking "control over who you can see, talk to, what you can wear; even what kind of medications you can take."The differences may be subtle, but they do exist, and a sensitivity to the needs of a battered partner reaching out for help is also worth honing, given that shame can be a batterer’s weapon of choice.

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Religious-right Web site Culture Campaign reported on the CNS story in an Aug. 6 story that appeared under a headline reading, "Obama Stimulates Homosexual Violence Counseling." Elsewhere on the site, an article about Christian support for health care reform referred to people of faith who back the proposed overhaul as "Christians," in quotation marks.Both the CNS News and the Culture Campaign articles about the $37,000 set to use for the training noted that marriage equality is denied to gay and lesbian families in the state of Virginia.

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It is a sad reality, but these Christianists and far right extremists in many cases believe that LGBT Americans deserve whatever abuse and misfortune befalls them. They are indeed NOT true Christians.

Coming Out - Leting Go Of Old Hurts

I have had diverse reactions to my post this morning concerning the Christian allies of the cause of LGBT rights and in particular, Marriage in California. Some e-mailers have related their own positive experiences with gay accepting churches while others have questioned why I continue to have any involvement with organized Christianity other than working to show that it is, in their opinion, a big fraud. In answer to the latter question, I think there are at least two reasons for my continued adherence to Christianity and the ELCA in particular.

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First, I do believe that there is some higher being regardless of whether the name applied to such being is God, Allah, Jesus, or whatever. Personally, I believe in the New Testament Christian message even if I strenuously disagree with those who have turned that message into something hateful - e.g, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, et al. I have read enough biblical scholarship articles and books to at this point believe that we will NEVER know the real, 100% truth about Christ and his message. The Bible cannot be taken literally. It has simply been subject to far too much political pressures, personal agendas of the Gospel writers and different church leaders, and restricted by the limited knowledge and world view of writers of the Bible's books. Anyone who claims otherwise is either a liar or a fool or both. Because of my personal beliefs, I have no intention of allowing others to drive me away from the Christian faith tradition that I hold.

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The second reason/process - which also extends beyond religion to other issues overcome if they are to successfully "come out" and achieve self-acceptance as a LGBT person -is the need to let go of past hurts and abuses. If you continue to grasp past hurts and continue to look backwards, these elements from the past will continue to define and destroy your life. It took me quite some time to figure this out notwithstanding my therapist's constant lectures that I needed to do so. All of us suffer hurt and abuse from many directions growing up and not just from the religious denomination within which one was raised. These hurts also come from family members or society as a whole. One must let go of the past hurts in order to move on and also be able to enjoy the present moment.

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In terms of religion, I have endeavored to put past hurts behind me even though I am vigilant in trying to do my part to expose hypocrisy and stop future generations of LGBT individuals from suffering similar hurts. Part of this process involved severing my ties with the Roman Catholic Church which was responsible for so much of the psychological/emotional harm I suffered as a closeted gay boy, youth and man. I am much happier in the ELCA which honors a tradition similar to what I held onto, but with far, far less hypocrisy, meanness, and the downright evil now present in the Catholic Church hierarchy. From a wider view, I have tried to put many other past hurts behind me including but not limited to my difficult relationship with my dad growing up, feelings of guilt from my marriage and divorce, and "friends" who rejected me when I came out. I will be the first to admit that letting go of such hurts from the past is hard. But unless you do so, I believe that it will be difficult (if not impossible) to find self-acceptance and a peace with yourself as a gay man or woman.

Weekend Reflections

I spent the majority of my weekend with my new boy friend and had a wonderful time. Friday night we went and saw Mama Mia - it's a great movie, especially if one is an ABBA fan - and than we went to his gorgeous home in Hampton, Virginia. Hampton was founded in 1610 and is the oldest continuously occupied English settlement in the United States and it is located on the other side of Hampton Roads harbor from where I live. Saturday brought a relaxing morning, followed by a number of hours at the office and then last night we went to the TACT fundraiser at the Ocean View Pier I mentioned earlier in the week - the turn out was huge - and we both had a great time and danced under the stars (he's a great dancer, thank goodness since I love to dance). Today we had a leisurely day and spent the afternoon lazing by one of his friends' pool in another neighborhood in Hampton. The pool crowd was an interesting mix of straights and gays and was a very pleasant time.

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As for my boy friend, I'm not sure how to describe him. First, he is blond and has green eyes and is a little shorter than me. He's not that much younger than me - four years younger in fact - but he has a very boyish look to him and a very sweet and playful heart. Oh, and he's very romantic. He treats me wonderfully and I am still getting used to feeling worthy of such attention and affection. I feel a real sense of peace when I am with him and hope that I give him the same feeling. I confessed to him that I am a little bit afraid. No one has ever seemed to treasure me so in a relationship and I truly do not want to be hurt again after my tumultuous last relationship. I'm trying to do what my former therapist lectured me to do - live in the moment and enjoy the wonder of his company and not let myself over think everything. As things play out I will come to know if he's truly "the one." So far, things are looking good and he is giving me much happiness. As I said, I hope that I can give him the same.

Relationships - Seeing Better

To "See Better" as Michael at Gaytwogether terms it, is important in all relationships, gay and straight. And part of seeing better is to understand yourself. The big challenge is to see better at the time it counts as opposed to years later long after one should have moved on and left a dysfunctional or manipulative relation. With hindsight, I believe my former wife manipulated me and, sadly, my self-hate and inner turmoil from being deeply in denial and closeted set the stage so perfectly that manipulation was made all the easier. Once I did finally come out, my goal was to find "Mr. Right" as quickly as possible and enter into a committed monogamous relationship, hopefully for the rest of my life. The problem, of course was that I had not even had time to truly figure out who I was as a gay man. Nor had I shed all the emotional baggage of a long marriage followed by separation and divorce. My vision was thus clouded in many ways. As Michael aptly puts it:

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The trick is to find out before it’s too late and not to close your eyes because you are blinded by how much you love him. Don’t let him use you, take advantage of you, or isolate you. Don't let him manipulate you into staying. Don't let him wear you down so that your self-worth becomes so low you feel like you have no choices. And don’t remain silent because you’re afraid.

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To that list, I would also added that it's important not to let your own personal demons trap you in something that is not working, perhaps through neither party's direct fault. In my case, I failed to follow the foregoing advise in both my straight marriage and my only real committed same-sex relationship to date.

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As it turned out, it was nearly two years before I entered into a committed gay relationship and during that interim period and during the first part of my relationship, I struggled to get over the "its all your fault" trap that I myself and others piled upon me. Thus, when my partner and I became a couple, he got someone who was still searching to find out who I really was. That relationship lasted over three years and ended roughly a year ago. In retrospect, it should have ended sooner than it did. The fault no doubt lies with both of us to varying degrees. Part of my rush to relationship was motivated by a terrible need to fill the void in my life that had been created when I exited a straight relationship which, including dating, had spanned over twenty five years. Compounding matters, I found that most of my "friends" from my straight life were, in fact mere acquaintances who quickly wrote me off. Coming out later in life - or so I believe - greatly increases the likelihood that those who you perceived as friends will desert you and the sense of emptiness will be magnified. With 20/20 hindsight, this phenomenon on top of potentially extreme feelings of loss are a prescription for a disaster. The other motivating factor for my haste was that I believe I am (i) relationship oriented and (ii) not one who likes the dating scene be it a gay or straight dating scene.

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Where do I go from here? I still hope to find "Mr. Right" and to achieve that committed relationship that I believe will make me fully complete. Until then, I have fortunately build up an ever growing network of new friends and acquaintances with whom I can socialize and interact until "Mr. Right" finds me. I have had some dates with a few nice guys lately and time will tell where things may lead. I see myself as kind, compassionate, intelligent and reasonably decent looking, so whoever grabs on to me could do far worse. For now, however, the key is patience and refining who I am and solidifying my total comfort with who that person is. I'm a work in progress, but far more finished than when I was in the closet or met my former partner.

Domestic Violence in Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Relationship

Michael at Gaytwogether has another useful article today that looks at the issue of domestic violence in gay relationships. Just last week I was talking with a relatively new friend and was surprised to discover that he had been in an abusive relationship from which he was still endeavoring to sever all ties. Since he hardly struck me as the type to have been on the receiving end of what was pretty severe abuse, it underscored to me how wide spread the problem may be. Far too many may find themself in such a relationship and not know where to turn or, due to the constant denigration they may have recieve from family, church or society in general, feel subconsciously that they deserve to be abused.

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Unfortunately, as the article points out, depending upon where one lives, the available resources may be slim to non-existent. Moreover, in areas such as the Norfolk area, many gays have to remain semi-closeted due to the lack of any employment non-discrimination protections for LGBT citizens. Naturally, this increases the odds that an abusive partner may threaten to "out" the other partner at work or - worse yet where the partner is military - to the applicable military command. As the article also aptly points out, abuse can involve other aspects besides physical abuse. Moreover, if the abusing partner will not admit there is a problem and diligently seek help (be it therapy, medications, or both), it is utterly useless to hope that somehow that person will miraculously change. Here are a few highlights:

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In many ways, domestic violence in lesbian, bisexual and gay relationships is the same as in opposite-gendered (e.g., heterosexually-paired) relationships:

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*** No one deserves to be abused.
*** Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate.
*** Abuse often occurs in a cyclical fashion.
*** The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner.
*** The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow her or his fault, or could have been avoided if she or he knew what to do.

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In same-sex abuse, a pattern of violence or behaviors exists where one seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of their intimate partner, or to punish their partner for resisting their control. This may been seen as physical or sexual violence, or emotional and verbal abuse. An additional form of emotional abuse for someone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual may be to “out” them at work or to family or friends.

Abusive Relationships

I have mentioned in previous posts that I was formerly in a relationship that ultimately ended in physical abuse. In retrospect, despite my ex-partner's many wonderful attributes, the relationship should have ended well before it finally came to its sad, nasty conclusion. I know that my experience was not unique and that often gay couples stay in dysfunctional relationships for all the wrong reasons. In addition, too often we forget that abuse can involve much more than physical assaults: stalking, isolation from friends and others, extreme jealousy, manipulation and obsessive control, and various other forms of psychological abuse. All of these aspects can make it very difficult to break out of a relationship that has gone bad - even though one knows in their heart that things need to end.

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Michael at Gaytwogether has many relationship self help articles written by professionals on his site - not to mention some good eye candy - that look at many aspects of gay relationships, from dating issues, to moving in together, and what to do when one finds themself in an abusive relationship. He has started a new personal series on reasons to leave a bad relationship. While some examples may sound extreme, in real life they do exist. Each of us deserves a happy and rewarding relationship that meets our emotional needs and which will build - as opposed to destroy - our self esteem. None of us should settle for anything less. I hope you find Michael's site as helpful and thought provoking as I have.