Gay Relationships: The Abusive Partner

Thanks to a heads up by my friend Vanyel over at If You Could Read My Mind, I saw an great post over at GayTwogether (http://gaytwogether.typepad.com/gaytwogether/2008/02/gay-relations-9.html) looking at abusive same sex relationships. The information is both on point and something that gays need to be aware of. Abuse in relationships is not limited to straight men abusing their wives. It happens in our community too - I know from personal experience - and is not something that can ever be excused. No one should have to live in fear and if that is a major aspect of your relationship, the only safe thing to do is end it. It will not be easy, but you deserve better and truly have no other choice. I recommend a read of the full post, but here are some highlights:

No one deserves to be abused! Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate. The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner. The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow his fault, or could have been avoided if he knew what to do.

ABUSE INCLUDES BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO:

Physical Abuse - hitting; choking; slapping; burning; shoving; using a weapon; physically restraining; intentional interference with basic needs (e.g. food, medicine, sleep)

Isolation: Restricting Freedom - controlling contacts with friends and family, access to information and participation in groups or organizations; locking up in a room / restricting mobility; monitoring telephone calls

Psychological & Emotional Abuse - constantly criticizing, ridiculing (self, family, friends, past); trying to humiliate or degrade; lying; undermining self-esteem; misleading someone about the norms and values of the gay/lesbian communities in order to control or exploit them

Stalking / Harassing Behavior - following; turning up at workplace or house; parking outside; repeated phone calls or mail to victim and/or family, friends, colleagues

Threats & Intimidation - threatening to harm partner, self or others (children, family, friends, pets); threatening to make reports to authorities that jeopardize child custody, immigration or legal status; threatening to disclose HIV status, threatening to reveal sexual orientation to family, friends, neighbors, and/or employers

Economic Abuse - controlling or stealing money; fostering dependency; making financial decisions without asking or telling partner

Sexual Abuse/Harassment - forcing sex or specific acts, pressuring into unwanted sexual behavior, criticizing performance.

ASPECTS OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS:

Abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser and is always a choice.

Victims are often blamed for the abuse by partners, and sometimes even family, friends and professionals can excuse or minimize the abusive behavior.

It is difficult for victims to leave abusive relationships.

Abuse is not an acceptable or healthy way to solve difficulties in relationships, regardless of orientation.

Victims feels responsible for their partner's violence and their partner's emotional state, hoping to prevent further violence.

Abuse usually worsens over time.

The abuser is often apologetic after abusing, giving false hope that the abuse will stop.

Some or all of the following effects of abuse may be present: shame, self-blame, physical injuries, short and long-term health problems, sleep disturbances, constantly on guard, social withdrawal, lack of confidence, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of hopelessness, shock, and dissociative states.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU'RE BEING ABUSED:

Recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse.

Recognize that violence/abuse is not likely to stop on its own - episodes of violence usually become more frequent and more severe.

It is important to break the silence. Try to tell someone who will believe you.

Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse and is gay positive. A gay male counselor with the above qualities may help you address the pertinent issues of abuse with more comfort and focus.

Only you can decide what to do about your relationship - whether to stay or leave is your decision. However, it is important to develop a safety plan in case your safety is in jeopardy such as:
a safe place to stay;
emergency phone numbers;
some money;
your own bank account;
post office box; and
bag of essentials.

WHAT TO DO IT YOU'RE THE ABUSER:

Stop being abusive. Stop using abuse of any form (physical, sexual, verbal or emotional), including threats and intimidation.

Accept responsibility for your behavior. Remember that the use of violence in any form is always a choice that you make.

Do not make excuses for your violence or blame your partner for your abusive behavior.

Recognize that assaultive behavior is unacceptable and is a criminal act.

Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse and is gay positive. A gay male counselor may help you address the pertinent issues of abuse with more comfort and focus.

Alcohol, drug use or mental health problems are not excuses for abusive behavior. Seek appropriate help for these problems.