Sigmund Freud Trashed "Ex-Gay" Conversion Therapy 80 Years Ago

If one follows the crackpots, frauds and charlatans who enrich themselves by peddling the "ex-gay" myth, they all claim that therapy can change one's sexual orientation.  Ironically, 80 years ago Sigmund Freud condemned "ex-gay" therapy and stated that it doesn't work.  Indeed, in a surprising letter to a mother seeking to "change" her gay son, Freud advised that the effort was futile and that her son was best served by coming to acceptance of his sexual orientation.  Moreover, Freud said that homosexuality was "nothing to be ashamed of, no vice, no degradation; it cannot be classified as an illness; we consider it to be a variation of the sexual function."  All these years later, every legitimate medical and mental health association agrees with Freud's advice to this woman who, if she like many parents I have met, she was more concerned about her own embarrassment and sensibilities than the welfare of her child.   Pink News has details.  Here are excerpts:

Some assume positions on controversial issues such as gay “cure” therapies evolve over time. This letter from Sigmund Freud written in 1935 may debunk that.  The famed father of psychoanalysis gave an amazing and eloquent response to one parent’s concerns over having a gay child.

In the letter he writes that being gay ” is nothing to be ashamed of”, that it “cannot be classified as an illness” and names Plato, Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci as “several of the greatest men”, who were gay.

Continuing, he considers the case of whether he could make the child into a “normal heterosexual”, but instead of “treatment”, recommends “analysis”, to “bring him harmony, peace of mind”.

Despite still contemplating the idea that gay “conversion” therapy is possible, Freud seems well on his way to deeming it dangerous, not to mention that this was published years before other similar opinions and studies on the issue.

The World Health Organisation still classed homosexuality as a mental disorder in 1990.  

The letter, originally written in 1935, was given to Alfred Kinsey, and was later reproduced in the American Journal of Psychiatry in 1951.

It is currently available to see at the Museum of Sexology exhibit on at the Wellcome Collection in London.

Here is the full text of the letter:

Dear Mrs [Erased],

I gather from your letter that your son is a homosexual. I am most impressed by the fact that you do not mention this term yourself in your information about him. May I question you why you avoid it? Homosexuality is assuredly no advantage, but it is nothing to be ashamed of, no vice, no degradation; it cannot be classified as an illness; we consider it to be a variation of the sexual function, produced by a certain arrest of sexual development. Many highly respectable individuals of ancient and modern times have been homosexuals, several of the greatest men among them. (Plato, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, etc). It is a great injustice to persecute homosexuality as a crime – and a cruelty, too. If you do not believe me, read the books of Havelock Ellis.

By asking me if I can help, you mean, I suppose, if I can abolish homosexuality and make normal heterosexuality take its place. The answer is, in a general way we cannot promise to achieve it. In a certain number of cases we succeed in developing the blighted germs of heterosexual tendencies, which are present in every homosexual in the majority of cases it is no more possible. It is a question of the quality and the age of the individual. The result of treatment cannot be predicted.

What analysis can do for your son runs on a different line. If he is unhappy, neurotic, torn by conflicts, inhibited in his social life, analysis may bring him harmony, peace of mind, full efficiency, whether he remains a homosexual or gets changed. If you make up your mind he should have analysis with me — I don’t expect you will — he has to come over to Vienna. I have no intention of leaving here. However, don’t neglect to give me your answer.

Sincerely yours with best wishes,

Freud

P.s. I did not find it difficult to read your handwriting. Hope you will not find my writing and my English a harder task.

The Toxicity of Internalized Homophobia

I've written on the topic of internalized homophobia and how it is soul destroying - it took me years of therapy, two failed suicide attempts, and years living out and authentically to get over the poison I had learned growing up - which is just what the Christofascists want.  They care nothing about the lives that are damaged (and sometimes lost to suicide) since their sole agenda is to stamp out anything that calls into question their myth and fairy tale based world view or impedes their ability to feel superior to others.  As LGBT individuals (or as LGBT straight allies), our task is to unlearn the untruths that church, family and society have indoctrinated into us.   If there is a God - something I question often given how evil his self-proclaimed followers are - he/she/it made each us as we are.  A piece in Gay News Network out of Australia looks at the struggle all of us face in letting go of internalized homophobia.  Here are excerpts:

It lurks, often imperceptibly, as an emotional backdrop in the lives of LGBTI people – and for this reason, it often remains unexamined. Unidentified even. It acts as our internal editor, vetting and judging our behaviours and mannerisms and it holds us back from truly loving ourselves for who we are.

I’m talking about internalised phobia. And just like the external variety LGBTI people face from others in the broader community, it can eat away at our self-esteem.

I would venture that there is no such thing as an LGBTI person who has not, at some point, struggled with an internalisation of the negative external judgments of our gender identity or sexual orientation. And it’s an understandable reaction.

From day one we’ve been socially conditioned by a society that privileges heterosexuality and cis-genderism, to the exclusion of all other ways of being. We’ve been sold a narrative by parents, teachers, peers, religious and political leaders and the media, which renders us invisible. And not only does the dominant culture fail to see us, it actively ostracises us.

Now tell me: What 13-year-old has the strength and self-conviction to stand against such a tidal wave of cultural proscription and state: “You’re all wrong, I’m happy just the way I am.”?

This is more often a sentiment that comes a good few years down the track, after considerable personal development. In short, it’s almost impossible for us to avoid our internal self-concept being informed by the external forces of homo/bi/transphobia.

Just like external bigotry, our internalised phobias can manifest in subtle ways: Reluctance to associate with other LGBTI people, feeling disgusted by expressions of same-sex affection or sexuality, disapproval of butch women or femme men, or refusal to show affection with a same-sex partner in public. In the extreme, internalised phobia can lead to self-harm and suicidality.

Working through feelings of internalised judgment with a counsellor who is experienced in such matters can be one way to gradually examine the distorted views of our sexuality or gender, that have been written into our evolving self-concept. In time, and with patience, it is possible for us to rewrite the internal narratives, freeing us to truly be the authors of proud new chapters in our story.

Letting go of  internalized homophobia is very, very hard.  I even know married gay couples who haven't fully let go of it as they avoid socializing with many other gays, especially those not "straight acting."  In the process, of course, they miss out of knowing and coming to love some very wonderful people.

Why Coming Out Continues to Matter

Many view Richmond, Virginia - capital of the Confederacy and certainly a bastion of the Old South for many decades - as stogy and backwards. Yet the city continues to offer up surprises for not only its LGBT residents but for LGBT Virginians as a whole. As noted some time back on this blog, the Richmond has added an LGBT page to its Visitors & Convention bureau web page. More recently in April, the city's mayor signed a non-discrimination resolution protecting LGBT city employees. And now the Gay Community Center of Richmond has brought back a billboard - pictured above - that overlooks Interstate 95 in downtown Richmond. The billboard addresses an important topic: the power that coming out has to change hearts and minds. Time and time again data shows that knowing someone who is LGBT is a significant factor in whether or not someone supports LGBT equality. Certainly in southeastern Virginia far too many LGBT citizens continue to lurk largely in the closet out of fear of the reactions of family, friends and/or employers. Here are highlights on why the billboard campaign was brought back:

Nearly twenty-five years ago activists published a provocative message on billboards around Richmond: Someone You Know is Gay… Maybe Someone You Love. Beginning August 26, the Gay Community Center of Richmond will recreate this campaign by republishing this important message on a billboard overlooking Interstate 95 in central Richmond.

Each day tens of thousands of travelers traveling south on Interstate 95 and east on Interstate 64 will see this message of inclusion as they pass the Gay Community Center of Richmond. Perhaps some will learn. Perhaps some will come out. Just as in 1987, Richmond will be reminded that LGBT people are woven into the fabric of the city.

It's easy to hate or to sit by and do nothing as the civil rights of those one doesn't know are suppressed. It's something very different when the target of hate or second class citizen is a family member, friend or fellow employee since that familiarity shows the lie of the Christianists anti-gay propaganda. Here are highlights from a piece at on the GCCR website on why coming out matters:

It was in this climate of despair [of the AIDS crisis], when most of our organizations were focused more inward and on basic survival, that the Billboard Project was conceived. Many of us continued to believe that if more people knew us personally – really knew who we were – they would find it harder to hate us and discriminate against us. With the message “Someone You Know Is Gay… Maybe Someone You Love.” these billboards brought this message to Richmonders in a very public way, leading to both introspection and discussion. The billboards were also an amazing sight for LGBT folks who were not used to seeing a positive, public message about us.

The Billboard Project set the tone for tremendous growth in LGBT activism and community development. The groups that serve our community today – ROSMY, Equality Virginia, GCCR and many others – were founded because people knew we needed to organize and were willing to step forward to publicly lead.

As we celebrate this message again today, we have an opportunity to expand on it. Today we realize that “Gay” is not always understood to include Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender people. Today’s campaign recreates history, but we must move past our history and speak of ourselves in a way that includes all the diversity of our community, a multi-cultural and vibrant people. At the same time, the importance of being Out is just as great and we need to constantly reinforced this message for new generations. To our family, friends, neighbors and co-workers, we say we are yours. And we say we deserve fairness, justice and respect.

Coming out can be terrifying as I well know from my own experiences. But it does make a difference both in one's own self-acceptance and the acceptance of LGBT individuals by others. Waiting for others to carry the fight for equality while remaining hidden only means that we will be second class citizens for even more years. I urge readers currently in the closet to come out and join the fight.

Letting Go of Your Internalized Homophobia

AUTHOR COMMENT: This post is a re-posting of a piece I posted over two years ago. I was prompted to republish it based on an e-mail I received from a reader yesterday who finds himself in territory I once knew: married with children, unable to any longer keep up the denial of the truth about himself, and contemplating how to find the strength/courage to tell his wife he's gay. It's a horrible place and is frightening in so many ways as one wonders how they will survive the coming out journey and what will be the reaction of loved ones, friends and colleagues. Because of the response the post originally received, I wanted to re-post the piece for the benefit of newer readers. This is a message which so many individuals - both those still in the closet and those struggling with religious instilled guilt - need to take to heart. It took me a long time to let go of the homophobia I had internalized over many years. Here's the post:

*

The battle over Proposition 8 in California has not surprisingly made me think a great deal about the homophobes who are pushing for the measure's passage so as to deprive LGBT citizens full equality under the civil law. Those who hate us - they disingenuously claim that they don't but let's be honest, they do hate us - have been saying all kinds of hateful and divisive things about gays including how allowing us to marry "threatens western civilization." Or at least so says Tony "Klu Klux Klan" Perkins of the deceptively named Family Research Council.
*
With all the hate being disseminated, I've also found myself thinking about the effort it was for me to finally put my internalized homophobia and self-loathing behind me as I made my journey through the coming out process. Suffice it to say, it was not an easy journey and included one nearly successful suicide attempt. But I survived it and now I can rightfully look with disdain/contempt on those who continue to preach hate and loathing against gays. Their goal is to not only make others hate us but to try to make us hate ourselves as well. So, how does one finally let go of the ingrained homophobic baggage accumulated over many years. For me, there were a number of things that I think allowed me to finally let go of my internalized homophobia. I will share them since I know I have many readers still going through the coming out process or living in the closet based on the e-mails I receive.
*
1. If you haven't already figured it out on your own, do some reading and get yourself up to date on the fact that sexual orientation is not a choice. If you are religious, accept the fact that God/Allah (or whatever deity you worship) made you gay and it's not going to change. Why did it happen? You'll never know, so move on with your life and make the most of the hand you have been dealt.Most importantly, do NOT let others try to make you feel guilty about your sexual orientation.
*
2. If you belong to a strongly anti-gay religious denomination, leave it. The sooner the better. Having been raised a Roman Catholic, other than being a Muslim, Mormon or Evangelical Christian, it would be hard find a less gay friendly denomination - particularly under the current Nazi Pope (not that the less than sainted John Paul II was any better). For me, the concurrent timing of the explosion of the Catholic Church sex abuse scandal made it all the more easy for me since it highlighted the moral bankruptcy and hypocrisy of the Church's leadership. In my case, I found the ELCA to be a much better church home for me. While it's not perfect, it is far better than remaining in a denomination that calls me "inherently disordered."
*
3. Related to the second item, if you are from a strong religious background, do your own reading and research. There are many other interpretations of the Bible besides the ones claimed by the anti-gay Christianists. In addition, do some reading on Bible history and you will soon learn that there were all kinds of political and non-religious issues that shaped the Bible. It's not inerrant and it's not the literal word of God, so learn the historical facts to throw back in your detractors' faces (it will have the added bonus of driving them crazy).
*
4. Get a good therapist. It's most unlikely that you can make the coming out journey all alone. In my case, I found two great individuals. The first, who is actually an ordained Presbyterian minister with a Ph.D. in psychology helped me deal with the religious guilt issue. The second helped me come to see that there was a future even after a horrific divorce where I was largely put on trial for being gay. Leaving you former life is not easy - especially when you do not know what will ultimately replace it. If you don't like one therapist, then find a different one who can help you with the transition.
*
5. Make gay friends - and not just the bar and/or chat room crowd. Better yet, get involved in some gay causes and organizations where - based on my experience - you will meet some amazing people. Getting to know them and observing how at peace they are with themselves and who they are will help you to further let go of the indoctrination you have received in terms of what gays are like. I can honestly say that I have met more truly genuine and decent people in the gay community since I have come out than I knew in my closeted life in my artificial and supposedly perfect former neighborhood and social circles.
*
6. If possible, live your life totally out. Remaining semi-closeted be it at work or with family will continue to subconsciously tell you that being gay is bad. After all, the message you receive is that being gay is so bad that your boss/fellow employees will not want you around. Likewise, thinking that "it'll kill my parents" or that "they won't love me anymore" is giving yourself a constant message that it's wrong to be gay. Admittedly, I was lucky in that my entire extended family accepted me and treated my ex-partner as part of the family. They are likewise embracing the new boyfriend. As the father of three children, I cannot understand any parent who would disown their child because they are gay. If your parents were to disown you, remember that it is THEM, not you, who has the problem.
*
7. If you feel anger at times, do not direct it at your self. Harness it for constructive purposes whether it be in working on gay rights causes, writing a blog (which I find to be good therapy), or something else.
*
8. Always remember that you are a good, decent person entitled to all the rights and respect that others receive and that the fact that you are gay doesn't change that. The goal is to be able to stand in front of a mirror and say to yourself "I'm gay and that's OK and I'm proud of who I am."

Joel Burns Named Finalist For "Texan of the Year"

At the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce ("NGLCC") last month I had the privilege of meeting and speaking with Fort Worth, Texas, City Councilman Joel Burns (pictured at left). He is an amazing individual (and taller and cuter in person than on video and photos) and I continue to feel shudders run through me when I think of his amazing statement during an open session of Fort Worth city council about his own life and the fact that it can get better. The You Tube video of his heartfelt and moving statement went viral and cannot but have touched many hearts and minds - both gay and straight. Obviously, Joel Burns took a risk politically when he made his public statement but sometimes coming out and live your life proudly can and does create change. Now, Joel Burns has made the list of finalists for "Texan of the Year" and the Dallas Morning News has an editorial on this notable achievement. Congratulations to Joel Burns! Here are highlights from the Dallas Morning News editorial:
*
Joel Burns was the picture of courage. Fort Worth's openly gay city council member had privately carried the pain of anti-gay bullying he suffered while growing up in nearby Crowley. Even his parents didn't know the depths of his despair – until they found out in a very public way this fall.
*
In the opening moments of a City Council meeting, Burns used his microphone to reflect on a half-dozen teenagers who ended their lives rather than endure another minute of harassment. And he tearfully talked about his torment. "When someone like him who is so laid back speaks out so passionately, you know it really matters to him," said state Sen. Wendy Davis of Fort Worth.
*
Burns' appeal has inspired anti-bullying legislation in Texas, an outgrowth that could well save young lives. Burns has appeared on national and international radio and TV shows and received thousands of supportive e-mails and voicemails. Some are emotional and graphic testimonies from youngsters who said they were on the verge of suicide until they heard Burns speak. For his uncommon, selfless courage to spare others, Burns is a finalist for 2010 Dallas Morning News Texan of the Year.
*
Inspired by Burns, [Senator Wendy] Davis filed a bill to require Texas school districts to combat all forms of bullying and report annually the number and whether they were based on race, ethnicity, religion or sexual orientation. Districts would be required to educate employees, students and parents on the seriousness of all forms of bullying. "It's not children who are responsible for ending bullying in the schools," Burns says. "It is the responsibility of teachers, parents, administrators and our legislators."
*
"It's been heartening and emotional getting to talk to people all over the country about bullying experiences," Burns says. "And I do believe it gets better. For the teenager who was planning to take his life, just waking up the next day is better."

Letting Go of Your Internalized Homophobia - Revisited

AUTHOR COMMENT: This post is a re-posting of a piece I did several months ago that garnered a large number of e-mail responses and an inquiry from the editor of a "self-help" web site as to whether I would make contributions to the site on this issue. Because of the response at the time, I wanted to re-post the piece for the benefit of newer readers. Having watched Prayers for Bobby over the weekend, it also seemed like a good time to repeat this message which many LGBT individuals need to take to heart:

*

The battle over Proposition 8 in California has not surprisingly made me think a great deal about the homophobes who are pushing for the measure's passage so as to deprive LGBT citizens full equality under the civil law. Those who hate us - they disingenuously claim that they don't but let's be honest, they do hate us - have been saying all kinds of hateful and divisive things about gays including how allowing us to marry "threatens western civilization." Or at least so says Tony "Klu Klux Klan" Perkins of the deceptively named Family Research Council.
*
With all the hate being disseminated, I've also found myself thinking about the effort it was for me to finally put my internalized homophobia and self-loathing behind me as I made my journey through the coming out process. Suffice it to say, it was not an easy journey and included one nearly successful suicide attempt. But I survived it and now I can rightfully look with disdain/contempt on those who continue to preach hate and loathing against gays. Their goal is to not only make others hate us but to try to make us hate ourselves as well. So, how does one finally let go of the ingrained homophobic baggage accumulated over many years. For me, there were a number of things that I think allowed me to finally let go of my internalized homophobia. I will share them since I know I have many readers still going through the coming out process or living in the closet based on the e-mails I receive.
*
1. If you haven't already figured it out on your own, do some reading and get yourself up to date on the fact that sexual orientation is not a choice. If you are religious, accept the fact that God/Allah (or whatever deity you worship) made you gay and it's not going to change. Why did it happen? You'll never know, so move on with your life and make the most of the hand you have been dealt.Most importantly, do NOT let others try to make you feel guilty about your sexual orientation.
*
2. If you belong to a strongly anti-gay religious denomination, leave it. The sooner the better. Having been raised a Roman Catholic, other than being a Muslim, Mormon or Evangelical Christian, it would be hard find a less gay friendly denomination - particularly under the current Nazi Pope (not that the less than sainted John Paul II was any better). For me, the concurrent timing of the explosion of the Catholic Church sex abuse scandal made it all the more easy for me since it highlighted the moral bankruptcy and hypocrisy of the Church's leadership. In my case, I found the ELCA to be a much better church home for me. While it's not perfect, it is far better than remaining in a denomination that calls me "inherently disordered."
*
3. Related to the second item, if you are from a strong religious background, do your own reading and research. There are many other interpretations of the Bible besides the ones claimed by the anti-gay Christianists. In addition, do some reading on Bible history and you will soon learn that there were all kinds of political and non-religious issues that shaped the Bible. It's not inerrant and it's not the literal word of God, so learn the historical facts to throw back in your detractors' faces (it will have the added bonus of driving them crazy).
*
4. Get a good therapist. It's most unlikely that you can make the coming out journey all alone. In my case, I found two great individuals. The first, who is actually an ordained Presbyterian minister with a Ph.D. in psychology helped me deal with the religious guilt issue. The second helped me come to see that there was a future even after a horrific divorce where I was largely put on trial for being gay. Leaving you former life is not easy - especially when you do not know what will ultimately replace it. If you don't like one therapist, then find a different one who can help you with the transition.
*
5. Make gay friends - and not just the bar and/or chat room crowd. Better yet, get involved in some gay causes and organizations where - based on my experience - you will meet some amazing people. Getting to know them and observing how at peace they are with themselves and who they are will help you to further let go of the indoctrination you have received in terms of what gays are like. I can honestly say that I have met more truly genuine and decent people in the gay community since I have come out than I knew in my closeted life in my artificial and supposedly perfect former neighborhood and social circles.
*
6. If possible, live your life totally out. Remaining semi-closeted be it at work or with family will continue to subconsciously tell you that being gay is bad. After all, the message you receive is that being gay is so bad that your boss/fellow employees will not want you around. Likewise, thinking that "it'll kill my parents" or that "they won't love me anymore" is giving yourself a constant message that it's wrong to be gay. Admittedly, I was lucky in that my entire extended family accepted me and treated my ex-partner as part of the family. They are likewise embracing the new boyfriend. As the father of three children, I cannot understand any parent who would disown their child because they are gay. If your parents were to disown you, remember that it is THEM, not you, who has the problem.
*
7. If you feel anger at times, do not direct it at your self. Harness it for constructive purposes whether it be in working on gay rights causes, writing a blog (which I find to be good therapy), or something else.
*
8. Always remember that you are a good, decent person entitled to all the rights and respect that others receive and that the fact that you are gay doesn't change that. The goal is to be able to stand in front of a mirror and say to yourself "I'm gay and that's OK and I'm proud of who I am."

Letting Go of Your Internalized Homophobia

The battle over Proposition 8 in California has not surprisingly made me think a great deal about the homophobes who are pushing for the measure's passage so as to deprive LGBT citizens full equality under the civil law. Those who hate us - they disingenuously claim that they don't but let's be honest, they do hate us - have been saying all kinds of hateful and divisive things about gays including how allowing us to marry "threatens western civilization." Or at least so says Tony "Klu Klux Klan" Perkins of the deceptively named Family Research Council.

*

With all the hate being disseminated, I've also found myself thinking about the effort it was for me to finally put my internalized homophobia and self-loathing behind me as I made my journey through the coming out process. Suffice it to say, it was not an easy journey and included one nearly successful suicide attempt. But I survived it and now I can rightfully look with disdain/contempt on those who continue to preach hate and loathing against gays. Their goal is to not only make others hate us but to try to make us hate ourselves as well. So, how does one finally let go of the ingrained homophobic baggage accumulated over many years. For me, there were a number of things that I think allowed me to finally let go of my internalized homophobia. I will share them since I know I have many readers still going through the coming out process or living in the closet based on the e-mails I receive.

*

1. If you haven't already figured it out on your own, do some reading and get yourself up to date on the fact that sexual orientation is not a choice. If you are religious, accept the fact that God/Allah (or whatever deity you worship) made you gay and it's not going to change. Why did it happen? You'll never know, so move on with your life and make the most of the hand you have been dealt.Most importantly, do NOT let others try to make you feel guilty about your sexual orientation.

*

2. If you belong to a strongly anti-gay religious denomination, leave it. The sooner the better. Having been raised a Roman Catholic, other than being a Muslim, Mormon or Evangelical Christian, it would be hard find a less gay friendly denomination - particularly under the current Nazi Pope (not that the less than sainted John Paul II was any better). For me, the concurrent timing of the explosion of the Catholic Church sex abuse scandal made it all the more easy for me since it highlighted the moral bankruptcy and hypocrisy of the Church's leadership. In my case, I found the ELCA to be a much better church home for me. While it's not perfect, it is far better than remaining in a denomination that calls me "inherently disordered."

*

3. Related to the second item, if you are from a strong religious background, do your own reading and research. There are many other interpretations of the Bible besides the ones claimed by the anti-gay Christianists. In addition, do some reading on Bible history and you will soon learn that there were all kinds of political and non-religious issues that shaped the Bible. It's not inerrant and it's not the literal word of God, so learn the historical facts to throw back in your detractors' faces (it will have the added bonus of driving them crazy).

*

4. Get a good therapist. It's most unlikely that you can make the coming out journey all alone. In my case, I found two great individuals. The first, who is actually an ordained Presbyterian minister with a Ph.D. in psychology helped me deal with the religious guilt issue. The second helped me come to see that there was a future even after a horrific divorce where I was largely put on trial for being gay. Leaving you former life is not easy - especially when you do not know what will ultimately replace it. If you don't like one therapist, then find a different one who can help you with the transition.

*

5. Make gay friends - and not just the bar and/or chat room crowd. Better yet, get involved in some gay causes and organizations where - based on my experience - you will meet some amazing people. Getting to know them and observing how at peace they are with themselves and who they are will help you to further let go of the indoctrination you have received in terms of what gays are like. I can honestly say that I have met more truly genuine and decent people in the gay community since I have come out than I knew in my closeted life in my artificial and supposedly perfect former neighborhood and social circles.

*

6. If possible, live your life totally out. Remaining semi-closeted be it at work or with family will continue to subconsciously tell you that being gay is bad. After all, the message you receive is that being gay is so bad that your boss/fellow employees will not want you around. Likewise, thinking that "it'll kill my parents" or that "they won't love me anymore" is giving yourself a constant message that it's wrong to be gay. Admittedly, I was lucky in that my entire extended family accepted me and treated my ex-partner as part of the family. They are likewise embracing the new boyfriend. As the father of three children, I cannot understand any parent who would disown their child because they are gay. If your parents were to disown you, remember that it is THEM, not you, who has the problem.

*

7. If you feel anger at times, do not direct it at your self. Harness it for constructive purposes whether it be in working on gay rights causes, writing a blog (which I find to be good therapy), or something else.

*

8. Always remember that you are a good, decent person entitled to all the rights and respect that others receive and that the fact that you are gay doesn't change that. The goal is to be able to stand in front of a mirror and say to yourself "I'm gay and that's OK and I'm proud of who I am."

Coming Out - But Remaing in the Closet at Work

From time to time I get e-mails from those looking for advice as to how they should proceed with living their lives. It's more than a bit intimidating and leaves me in a situation where I ultimately can only recount my own thoughts and experiences. In the final analysis, each of us must make our own decisions of how we live our lives in the context of the circumstances within which we find ourselves. Lately, I have had e-mails that from individuals who are "out" in most aspects of their lives but find themselves living in fear at work where they remain closeted. What should they do?

*

Living in an area with a huge number of military personnel, many of whom are gay or lesbian, I fully understand that there are situations where one cannot be "out at work" without serious risk of losing one's job. Many of the military personnel I know and have known find being closeted at work in the military to be stifling and oppressive. Many find that they limit their social circles to small numbers all of whom they trust implicitly and live very circumscribed lives with their partners always hidden from view except with their small, safe circles. In some other instances, I have known gay servicemembers who have deliberately outed them self in order to get thrown out of the military in order that they can live their lives as normal gay/lesbian individuals. Sadly, until "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is thrown on the trash heap of history, servicemembers will have to determine whether their commands will support them and turn a blind eye towards their personal lives.

*

Whichever way one decides to live their life, the most important things is not to let being in the closet at work sour the rest of your life. In particular, you must not allow the situation to interfere with your relationship with your partner. If you allow that to happen, then our/your oppressors are allowed to win. I for one do not like letting bigots win. Somehow a balance must be found where you can compartmentalize your work life from your personal life. Is this an easy task? No - I know from the period I was out myself but still closeted at work.

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In civilian employment situations, much depends upon (1) the state of one's residence and whether or not there are gay friendly employment non-discrimination laws, (2) whether or not there are employment non-discrimination protections at your place of employment, and (3) are your fears of being fired realistic or have you allowed your own paranoia and lingering internalized homophobia to blow things out of proportion. In states like Virginia, the reality is that there are no employment protections afforded to gays unless your employer has corporate diversity policies that include employment protections for LGBT employees. Some large employers do have such protections and, surprisingly, some localities and school divisions have adopted employment protections for LGBT employees even in Virginia. Thus, if you are nervous about the issue, it is important to check out the policies of your employer before coming out at work. If your employer has written employment protection policies in place, even if the ride may be bumpy, coming out discretely at work may be something feasible after all.

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If your employer has no protections in place - as was the case with one of my prior law firms, the decision to come out becomes much harder. In my own case, I ultimately came out and for the most part nobody really seemed to care. Yes, there is always a risk, and sadly, later on when the firm merged with another firm, the issue of having an openly gay partner did become an issue with the other firm and I was ultimately forced out of the merged firm (although the real reason was hidden under other fabricated reasons). My subsequent law firm after that was unconcerned and focused instead on my resume and credentials which exceed those of the other attorneys. Obviously, with my own firm now, I don't have to answer to anyone and have found that most clients' only concern is whether or not I am competent. Yes, I was afraid that some clients would leave, but my fears turned out to be unfounded.

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I'm not sure if any of the foregoing answers some of the recent questions I have received or not. I do think that if I had lived in a state that had employment non-discrimination protections, I would have come out at work earlier. Again, readers must remember that in Virginia, gay sex was a potential felony even in one's own home up until the decision in Lawrence v. Texas. Check out the legal landscape of your home state, investigate your employer's HR policies, and most importantly do NOT allow your workplace situation to destroy or lessen the rest of your life or your ability to find self-acceptance. You cannot allow the haters to win and take that part of your life.

Relationships - Seeing Better

To "See Better" as Michael at Gaytwogether terms it, is important in all relationships, gay and straight. And part of seeing better is to understand yourself. The big challenge is to see better at the time it counts as opposed to years later long after one should have moved on and left a dysfunctional or manipulative relation. With hindsight, I believe my former wife manipulated me and, sadly, my self-hate and inner turmoil from being deeply in denial and closeted set the stage so perfectly that manipulation was made all the easier. Once I did finally come out, my goal was to find "Mr. Right" as quickly as possible and enter into a committed monogamous relationship, hopefully for the rest of my life. The problem, of course was that I had not even had time to truly figure out who I was as a gay man. Nor had I shed all the emotional baggage of a long marriage followed by separation and divorce. My vision was thus clouded in many ways. As Michael aptly puts it:

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The trick is to find out before it’s too late and not to close your eyes because you are blinded by how much you love him. Don’t let him use you, take advantage of you, or isolate you. Don't let him manipulate you into staying. Don't let him wear you down so that your self-worth becomes so low you feel like you have no choices. And don’t remain silent because you’re afraid.

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To that list, I would also added that it's important not to let your own personal demons trap you in something that is not working, perhaps through neither party's direct fault. In my case, I failed to follow the foregoing advise in both my straight marriage and my only real committed same-sex relationship to date.

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As it turned out, it was nearly two years before I entered into a committed gay relationship and during that interim period and during the first part of my relationship, I struggled to get over the "its all your fault" trap that I myself and others piled upon me. Thus, when my partner and I became a couple, he got someone who was still searching to find out who I really was. That relationship lasted over three years and ended roughly a year ago. In retrospect, it should have ended sooner than it did. The fault no doubt lies with both of us to varying degrees. Part of my rush to relationship was motivated by a terrible need to fill the void in my life that had been created when I exited a straight relationship which, including dating, had spanned over twenty five years. Compounding matters, I found that most of my "friends" from my straight life were, in fact mere acquaintances who quickly wrote me off. Coming out later in life - or so I believe - greatly increases the likelihood that those who you perceived as friends will desert you and the sense of emptiness will be magnified. With 20/20 hindsight, this phenomenon on top of potentially extreme feelings of loss are a prescription for a disaster. The other motivating factor for my haste was that I believe I am (i) relationship oriented and (ii) not one who likes the dating scene be it a gay or straight dating scene.

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Where do I go from here? I still hope to find "Mr. Right" and to achieve that committed relationship that I believe will make me fully complete. Until then, I have fortunately build up an ever growing network of new friends and acquaintances with whom I can socialize and interact until "Mr. Right" finds me. I have had some dates with a few nice guys lately and time will tell where things may lead. I see myself as kind, compassionate, intelligent and reasonably decent looking, so whoever grabs on to me could do far worse. For now, however, the key is patience and refining who I am and solidifying my total comfort with who that person is. I'm a work in progress, but far more finished than when I was in the closet or met my former partner.

Finding Self-Acceptance - Further Thoughts

"Listen to and accept the positive assessments of those people who you love and trust...."

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That is what Justin, a blogger friend, told me is something that I - and I suspect others seeking to find self-acceptance as well - need to do, whether they are transitioning from being in the closet for many years like I was or trying to find self-acceptance in general. Actually, I think I have done that more than may seem apparent at times, although at other times, I am probably harsher in judging myself than anyone else.

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How have I accepted such positive assessments? I think in a number of ways, some of which were perhaps not obvious in my last post on this topic. My therapist, my pastors, and the many friends I have made in my activism activities have given me much affirmation and numerous positive assessments. Even if not always consciously, I think those messages have come through to me and made a huge difference - as has the positive support/energy I receive from other bloggers and so many of my readers. The same holds true for the friendships I have forged since coming out with my friends Martin and Christopher holding a special place of honor in my heart (as do you, Justin).

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I'm still a work in progress, but I am much happier as I am now in terms of self-acceptance than ever before - even if I think too much like a lawyer according to some. :)