Relationships - Seeing Better

To "See Better" as Michael at Gaytwogether terms it, is important in all relationships, gay and straight. And part of seeing better is to understand yourself. The big challenge is to see better at the time it counts as opposed to years later long after one should have moved on and left a dysfunctional or manipulative relation. With hindsight, I believe my former wife manipulated me and, sadly, my self-hate and inner turmoil from being deeply in denial and closeted set the stage so perfectly that manipulation was made all the easier. Once I did finally come out, my goal was to find "Mr. Right" as quickly as possible and enter into a committed monogamous relationship, hopefully for the rest of my life. The problem, of course was that I had not even had time to truly figure out who I was as a gay man. Nor had I shed all the emotional baggage of a long marriage followed by separation and divorce. My vision was thus clouded in many ways. As Michael aptly puts it:

*

The trick is to find out before it’s too late and not to close your eyes because you are blinded by how much you love him. Don’t let him use you, take advantage of you, or isolate you. Don't let him manipulate you into staying. Don't let him wear you down so that your self-worth becomes so low you feel like you have no choices. And don’t remain silent because you’re afraid.

*

To that list, I would also added that it's important not to let your own personal demons trap you in something that is not working, perhaps through neither party's direct fault. In my case, I failed to follow the foregoing advise in both my straight marriage and my only real committed same-sex relationship to date.

*

As it turned out, it was nearly two years before I entered into a committed gay relationship and during that interim period and during the first part of my relationship, I struggled to get over the "its all your fault" trap that I myself and others piled upon me. Thus, when my partner and I became a couple, he got someone who was still searching to find out who I really was. That relationship lasted over three years and ended roughly a year ago. In retrospect, it should have ended sooner than it did. The fault no doubt lies with both of us to varying degrees. Part of my rush to relationship was motivated by a terrible need to fill the void in my life that had been created when I exited a straight relationship which, including dating, had spanned over twenty five years. Compounding matters, I found that most of my "friends" from my straight life were, in fact mere acquaintances who quickly wrote me off. Coming out later in life - or so I believe - greatly increases the likelihood that those who you perceived as friends will desert you and the sense of emptiness will be magnified. With 20/20 hindsight, this phenomenon on top of potentially extreme feelings of loss are a prescription for a disaster. The other motivating factor for my haste was that I believe I am (i) relationship oriented and (ii) not one who likes the dating scene be it a gay or straight dating scene.

*

Where do I go from here? I still hope to find "Mr. Right" and to achieve that committed relationship that I believe will make me fully complete. Until then, I have fortunately build up an ever growing network of new friends and acquaintances with whom I can socialize and interact until "Mr. Right" finds me. I have had some dates with a few nice guys lately and time will tell where things may lead. I see myself as kind, compassionate, intelligent and reasonably decent looking, so whoever grabs on to me could do far worse. For now, however, the key is patience and refining who I am and solidifying my total comfort with who that person is. I'm a work in progress, but far more finished than when I was in the closet or met my former partner.