Family Acceptance - Do Your Relatives Care About You or Themselves?

A very good friend of mine is going through some rough times during which a supportive family would be a Godsend. Even though my friend is comfortable with being gay and has achieved self acceptance, as he relates his experiences to me, it sounds like family members are more concerned about "what will people think" and/or their own embarrassment of having "one of those people" in the family as opposed to loving and supporting their family member. I was fortunate in my own coming out process that other than my father freaking out for a couple of days, I never had to bear the burden of - in my opinion at least - superficial family members who cared more about appearances than about loving me and supporting me. As a parent, I cannot understand parents who reject their children due to their sexuality. They, not their child, are the ones who are disgusting and need to change.

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One web site that I have found helpful and recommended to many people in the past is called "Family Acceptance" and is the work of Patti and Jeff Ellis (pictured above) who themselves found themselves having to come to terms with having a gay son. Would that more parents and other relatives were as thoughtful and loving as Patti and Jeff. In terms of the issue of "Am I ashamed of My Child or of Myself" Patti states the following in relevant part:

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I am a prideful mother and that was why shame was so overwhelming. . . . I did not want to be ashamed of my child. It was painful to think that I was having those feelings. I knew that I was ashamed of how he would be looked at and talked about. That he would be considered, at the very least, socially unacceptable. I was ashamed at how my family would be perceived. That hurt my pride and made me angry. Why should we have to go through this? Why should I feel such shame? Why did I care so much about what others thought?

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I was so obsessed at how other people would see me or think of me, I forgot about Adam. I realized that I was not taking his feelings into consideration. That was a turning point. I knew then I had placed my pride over the love of my child. I knew I had to stop thinking about how this affected me and begin trying to understand what Adam had gone through.

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I believe it is our responsibility as parents to stand by our children no matter what. In order to do that, I had to put aside my pride and shame. I had to come to a point where it was no longer important how other people saw me. What was important was for Adam to know he was loved. No matter what.
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Would that there were more parents of gays who would undertake such self-analysis. Again, I was lucky in that my parents after a brief initial shock never treated me or viewed me as anything less than their son who was just as much a full accepted member of the family. I feel sorrow for gays who do not have such parents. In the final analysis, I have two words to describe such unaccepting parents and relatives: selfish and self-centered. We don't choose our sexual orientation no matter what lies the Christianists perpetuate.