VEER Magazine Cruise

This evening the boyfriend and I joined other writers, advertisers and supporters of VEER Magazine on a cruise on a sunset cruise on the three masted schooner the American Rover (see photo above via the b/f's phone - I look like hell).  I have been writing a monthly LGBT/political column in VEER for over 2 and a half years that seeks to educate local readers about LGBT issues and the real political positions of those running for elected office.  My September, 2013, makes the case for why voters need to get out and vote for Terry McAuliffe for Governor on election day.  The October column will look at the Lt. Governor and Attorney General races and why voters need to be sure to get out and vote for Ralph Northam and Mark Herring.

One of the fun aspects of this evening was meeting a wonderful British couple - the husband is a British naval officer attached to NATO - and their recently college graduate daughter who is doing a volunteer internship with VEER before working on the 2014 Olympic Games in Russia. I suspect we will have them over as dinner guests to our home sometime soon.  The last of the sunset is below.

How to Support the Obama/Democrat Party Grassroots Campaign

In the midst of this years presidential campaign one sees almost unimaginable amounts of money flowing in the coffers of the Republican Party from individuals like the Koch brothers who seemed determined to take America back to the wealth disparities last seen during the so-called Gilded Age.  With Mitt Romney reportedly taking in $100 Million in August alone, some as what are average Americans to do to stop the plutocrats from buying the United States presidency?   Actually, there are a number of things one can do.  Yes, money contributions to the Obama/Democrat effort are helpful.  But those who lack the monetary resources have other options.  What are they?  Well here's a sampling:

1.  Top priorities on the Obama campaign list are finding additional housing options for incoming staff.  Open your home to a campaign worker and provide free housing (the boyfriend and I are doing this and took in an amazing young man just this evening who will be staying in our home for the next two months)

2. The campaign needs people to come out to local campaign offices to volunteer.

3. The campaign is looking for people to do phone calls to get more volunteers, do door to door to get voter turnout, and also assist in voter registration drives.

Yes, these contributions involve the contributing time, not money.  But they are things that all of us can do.  I challenge readers to get involved.  Make a difference and please, please do not let greed driven billionaires like the Koch brothers - who in my view see most Americans as disposable trash - buy the office of the United States presidency.

If you are inclined to get involved and volunteer, you can do so here.

Lady Gaga Launches the Born This Way Foundation, to Fight Bullying

While she has her critics within the LGBT blogosphere (some of whom strike me as jealous of Gaga's boldness that outshines their own), Lady Gaga continues to put her money where her mouth is and to use her celebrity without hesitation to fight the good fight against bullying. Personally, she won me over at the National Equality March - see the image at left - when I was fortunate enough to hear her speak at a vantage point about 20 feet from the stage thanks to my Bilerico Project press credentials. But I digress. Bullying in all forms - but especially anti-gay bullying - continues to be a nationwide problem. Perhaps I an super sensitive based on bullying I experienced personally in junior and senior high school where I was at times called a fag and worse. The reality is that NO child or youth deserves to be abused in our public schools. To this end, Lady Gaga has launched the Born This Way Foundation to work to end this unfairness. Here are some highlights from The Advocate:

Lady Gaga continues her campaign to promote self-acceptance and end antigay bullying by announcing the launch of her Born This Way Foundation, reports the Associated Press.

The entertainer will use the title of her hit pro-LGBT anthem and best-selling album as the name of the non-profit that will focus on youth empowerment and "issues like self-confidence, well-being, anti-bullying, mentoring and career development."

Gaga will personally direct the foundation, along with and her mother, Cynthia Germanotta. "Together we hope to establish a standard of Bravery and Kindness, as well as a community worldwide that protects and nurtures others in the face of bullying and abandonment," Gaga says in a statement.

The foundation will work with several partners, including the John D. & Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, the California Endowment, and the Berkman Center for Internet & Society at Harvard University.

The foundation will be officially launched sometime next year and an advisory board is expected to be announced soon.

What It Means to Be "Out"

I've spoken many times about the importance of being out to family, friends, employers and co-workers. Yes, it carries risks - I was forced from a law firm for being gay - but it is the single most powerful thing that any of us can do. Putting a face and personality on what is often a faceless term to those constantly hearing anti-LGBT messages makes people stop and think. Some will remain closed minded bigots, but many more will be forced to rethink their preconceptions. I have seen it happen time and time again in my own experience and as the boyfriend and I move in social circle that sometimes might not be initially LGBT friendly. The more well known and prominent one is, the more powerful the potential to open minds and hearts. A letter to the editor in the Advocate looks at Jane Lynch's example of using celebrity to push the pro-LGBT message. Here are highlights:

Her understanding of being out is far different from the “I’ve never been closeted” line I read so often from celebrities (sometimes in this publication) insisting that telling their parents and friends that they’re gay equals being out. Lynch was out. Those others most often were not.

You’ll forgive me if I descend into a professional gripe over this point. Being out is the most fundamental thing we can do to improve the lives of future generations, and for most of us, it’s as basic (though not to say easy) as telling the people in our lives. But if you’re a person in the public eye and you refuse to say you’re LGBT in a public forum, you’re unequivocally not out. Yes, you have a different standard than the nonfamous. While telling someone how and when to come out is pushing the point further than I care to do, who among us — more than the wealthy and famous — has the luxury of coming out and doing a ton of good in the process? Entertainers, come out. The water’s fine.

Letting Go of Your Internalized Homophobia

AUTHOR COMMENT: This post is a re-posting of a piece I posted over two years ago. I was prompted to republish it based on an e-mail I received from a reader yesterday who finds himself in territory I once knew: married with children, unable to any longer keep up the denial of the truth about himself, and contemplating how to find the strength/courage to tell his wife he's gay. It's a horrible place and is frightening in so many ways as one wonders how they will survive the coming out journey and what will be the reaction of loved ones, friends and colleagues. Because of the response the post originally received, I wanted to re-post the piece for the benefit of newer readers. This is a message which so many individuals - both those still in the closet and those struggling with religious instilled guilt - need to take to heart. It took me a long time to let go of the homophobia I had internalized over many years. Here's the post:

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The battle over Proposition 8 in California has not surprisingly made me think a great deal about the homophobes who are pushing for the measure's passage so as to deprive LGBT citizens full equality under the civil law. Those who hate us - they disingenuously claim that they don't but let's be honest, they do hate us - have been saying all kinds of hateful and divisive things about gays including how allowing us to marry "threatens western civilization." Or at least so says Tony "Klu Klux Klan" Perkins of the deceptively named Family Research Council.
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With all the hate being disseminated, I've also found myself thinking about the effort it was for me to finally put my internalized homophobia and self-loathing behind me as I made my journey through the coming out process. Suffice it to say, it was not an easy journey and included one nearly successful suicide attempt. But I survived it and now I can rightfully look with disdain/contempt on those who continue to preach hate and loathing against gays. Their goal is to not only make others hate us but to try to make us hate ourselves as well. So, how does one finally let go of the ingrained homophobic baggage accumulated over many years. For me, there were a number of things that I think allowed me to finally let go of my internalized homophobia. I will share them since I know I have many readers still going through the coming out process or living in the closet based on the e-mails I receive.
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1. If you haven't already figured it out on your own, do some reading and get yourself up to date on the fact that sexual orientation is not a choice. If you are religious, accept the fact that God/Allah (or whatever deity you worship) made you gay and it's not going to change. Why did it happen? You'll never know, so move on with your life and make the most of the hand you have been dealt.Most importantly, do NOT let others try to make you feel guilty about your sexual orientation.
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2. If you belong to a strongly anti-gay religious denomination, leave it. The sooner the better. Having been raised a Roman Catholic, other than being a Muslim, Mormon or Evangelical Christian, it would be hard find a less gay friendly denomination - particularly under the current Nazi Pope (not that the less than sainted John Paul II was any better). For me, the concurrent timing of the explosion of the Catholic Church sex abuse scandal made it all the more easy for me since it highlighted the moral bankruptcy and hypocrisy of the Church's leadership. In my case, I found the ELCA to be a much better church home for me. While it's not perfect, it is far better than remaining in a denomination that calls me "inherently disordered."
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3. Related to the second item, if you are from a strong religious background, do your own reading and research. There are many other interpretations of the Bible besides the ones claimed by the anti-gay Christianists. In addition, do some reading on Bible history and you will soon learn that there were all kinds of political and non-religious issues that shaped the Bible. It's not inerrant and it's not the literal word of God, so learn the historical facts to throw back in your detractors' faces (it will have the added bonus of driving them crazy).
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4. Get a good therapist. It's most unlikely that you can make the coming out journey all alone. In my case, I found two great individuals. The first, who is actually an ordained Presbyterian minister with a Ph.D. in psychology helped me deal with the religious guilt issue. The second helped me come to see that there was a future even after a horrific divorce where I was largely put on trial for being gay. Leaving you former life is not easy - especially when you do not know what will ultimately replace it. If you don't like one therapist, then find a different one who can help you with the transition.
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5. Make gay friends - and not just the bar and/or chat room crowd. Better yet, get involved in some gay causes and organizations where - based on my experience - you will meet some amazing people. Getting to know them and observing how at peace they are with themselves and who they are will help you to further let go of the indoctrination you have received in terms of what gays are like. I can honestly say that I have met more truly genuine and decent people in the gay community since I have come out than I knew in my closeted life in my artificial and supposedly perfect former neighborhood and social circles.
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6. If possible, live your life totally out. Remaining semi-closeted be it at work or with family will continue to subconsciously tell you that being gay is bad. After all, the message you receive is that being gay is so bad that your boss/fellow employees will not want you around. Likewise, thinking that "it'll kill my parents" or that "they won't love me anymore" is giving yourself a constant message that it's wrong to be gay. Admittedly, I was lucky in that my entire extended family accepted me and treated my ex-partner as part of the family. They are likewise embracing the new boyfriend. As the father of three children, I cannot understand any parent who would disown their child because they are gay. If your parents were to disown you, remember that it is THEM, not you, who has the problem.
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7. If you feel anger at times, do not direct it at your self. Harness it for constructive purposes whether it be in working on gay rights causes, writing a blog (which I find to be good therapy), or something else.
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8. Always remember that you are a good, decent person entitled to all the rights and respect that others receive and that the fact that you are gay doesn't change that. The goal is to be able to stand in front of a mirror and say to yourself "I'm gay and that's OK and I'm proud of who I am."

The End of a Blog - Unite the Fight

On of the amazing benefits from blogging is the interesting and innovative people one finds in the blogosphere. Through common activism and interaction with other bloggers relationships are formed that are hard for non-bloggers to understand. By cross-linking and following others' blogs, sharing links, passing on tips on posts and commenting on the efforts of other bloggers a true bond develops - even though oft times you've never met the other blogger in person. Today I received an e-mail from Phillip Minton at Unite the Fight indicating that due to other commitments and related factors, he was uploading his last post to the blog and that while the blog would remain online for some time, the blog's life was coming to an end.

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I have thought at times that I should perhaps cease blogging. But, in an unexplainable way, one's blog becomes a part of them. Thus, deciding to cease posting for good is a very emotional experience. On the other side of the equation is the amount of time it takes to blog daily and endeavor to provide informed information and commentary.

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Fortunately, Phillip will not be disappearing entirely and will be a contributing writer to Karen Ocamb's LGBT Pov. I wish Phillip the best in his future endeavors and look forward to reading his pieces at LGBT Pov. I have truly enjoyed following Phillip's passionate blogging. I hope that Phillip also knows that he always has a platform on this blog if he needs to satisfy his blogging urge.

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

Richard Rosendall has a column in Metro Weekly that looks at the movie Milk and ideas that modern day activists need to perhaps again re-focus upon in order to change the debate on gay rights. We need to keep in mind that our Christianist and Mormon enemies will never willing give us any rights and that the key to winning is to win over the undecided middle, many of whom may not even know that they have gays that touch their lives. In this area, with DADT and far too many LGBT individuals who prefer to go to their discrete dinner parties and less than visible fund raisers, it is particularly difficult to find people who by their own lives will work to dispel the negative stereotypes that James Dobson, Peter LaBarbera and other professional haters work to generate. Here are some highlights from the Metro Weekly column:

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If you freeze-frame the Milk movie trailer on YouTube, you can see the ''1051'' atop the streetcar used in a scene portraying an angry demonstration. The car from San Francisco's Municipal Railway (''Muni'') is now a ''moving museum'' dedicated to Harvey Milk, with informational panels on Milk's career. In a larger sense, we have much to learn from Milk and other gay rights pioneers -- not just how to fight for ourselves, but how to change the terms of the debate.

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The film shows Milk (in an extraordinary portrayal by Sean Penn) quoting Glinda the Good Witch: ''Come out, come out, wherever you are!'' Milk refused to accept the more closeted approach favored by David Goodstein of The Advocate. He understood that gaining power required public engagement. In contrast to this year's unsuccessful ''No on 8'' campaign, Milk debated John Briggs, sponsor of 1978's Proposition 6, which would have banned gay people and their supporters from working in public schools. Briggs lost.

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Professionalizing the movement and hiring experts is fine and necessary to compete with well-funded adversaries, but we must keep in mind what pioneers like Milk and Kameny understood decades ago: that we are the authorities on ourselves. If we win establishment access but forget why we sought it, the greater movement is reduced to personal ambition.It's not enough to find the right messaging to reach particular demographics. We must make personal connections to ensure that voters know individual GLBT people. After losing an expert-guided initiative battle that cost us $40 million, perhaps it's time to take fresh inspiration from our forebears in claiming our fundamental American right to ''the pursuit of happiness'' and rebuking fundamentalists who invoke sectarian dogma to deny us this right that they take for granted.

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For my own part, I will continue to live my life openly and try to set an image at odds with those fostered by our enemies. I hope more and more LGBT residents of Hampton Roads and Virginia as a whole will do the same. It is far more difficult to vote against people that one knows.

No Gays for a Day

In addition to the protests being staged around the country, another form of protest is being called for - a "no gays for a day" day on which all gays stay home from work and cease to spend any money, the idea being to make a point of how large a roll LGBT citizens play in the economy and every day life. The date of the planned boycott is now December 10th (previously there was talk of it being on December 5th). Here are more details from a column in the Los Angeles Times:

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No Gays For A Day has been officially changed to Dec 10. It turns out another guy was working on the same idea, and he's gay, and produced the Lifetime movie "Wedding Wars," and there's no way I'm going to get in a fight with a guy who's both gay and willing to work for Lifetime. He's willing to do anything. For further details see JoinTheImpact.com.

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You wouldn't think gay people would need tips on staging a splashy event from Mexican immigrants. Yet since they lost the right to marry in California, gays appear to have no game plan. . . . That's why I'm declaring Dec. 10 No Gays for a Day day. Patterned after the 2006 Great American Boycott organized by Latino immigrants, on that day, gays should stay home from work, school and do no shopping, to prove how crucial they are to American society.

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No Gays for a Day will demonstrate what it would be like if -- as so much of the non-coastal U.S. seems to desire -- gays just disappeared. You may not even know who all your daily gays are, so there's no predicting the impact.

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I called Amy Balliett for help. Balliett is a lesbian in Seattle who, just last Friday, created JoinTheImpact.com, which has organized an expected 250,000 people nationwide to march Saturday in protest of Proposition 8. Balliett immediately embraced No Gays for a Day as JoinTheImpact's second event. We worked out some kinks, like "pretending you are sick" for people who aren't out of the closet at work.

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We also decided that because this is a general strike, not a directed boycott, even gay-owned, gay-patronized businesses should shut down. "I hate to say this, but we should even say, 'Don't even go out to the bars,' " she said.

More Gays Need to Get Off Their Asses

As reports are coming in of thousands protesting around the Mormon Temple in Westwood Hollywood today, maybe, just maybe, LGBT Americans are awakening to the fact that they need to get up off their asses, come out of the closet and stop accepting abuse and second class citizenship status. Being nice and hiding from sight will never get us full equality - or at least not for many, many years after several older generations have died off. Our enemies will never give us equality out of the goodness of their hearts - their hearts are too bigoted and hate-filled towards those who are different.

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A few folks are apparently waking up to the reality that the vast majority of gays cannot sit back and leave the work to a small cadre. A column in Huffington Post looks at this problem within the LGBT community. In this area where I live - which is never in the forefront of anything - historically, it is always the same activists who are out fighting in the trenches, often working in multiple organizations. The rest sit home and whine and complain or cower in the closet. This has got to change. Here are some column highlights:

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John Cloud wrote an interesting story in Time Magazine last week about the new gay mafia that is behind lots of the great changes that are going on in American politics. They are smart people who put up hundreds of millions of dollars to change politics and society from the bottom up, working county by county and state by state for equality for gay people.

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One of the gatekeepers for one of the rich donors is quoted as saying, "where is the outrage?" I think he means where is the outrage against being kept as second class citizens, wondering why the "movement" sits back and waits for billionaires to write checks. But can there be outrage when a movement becomes a corporation? When the largest LGBT organizations look like, are staffed by former executives of and are funded by huge corporations and huge donors, where is the movement? It's not at black tie dinners. It's not at VIP receptions. It's not on the red carpet. Movements are visceral and popular, often born of outrage and even anger, like that which eventually made Barack Obama president-elect.

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The Mormon Church and its subsidiary allies brilliantly pumped in money and lies into a cynical campaign to strip rights from people via constitutional amendment. They ran a much better campaign than the No side. And they used their base to win. I talked with two candidates for office here in California today who said they lost because they were on our side. They saw the Mormon Church at work. They saw organizing of Latino and African American households. They saw passion and organization. Where were we?

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Imagine the thousands and thousands of people who could have called, spoken to five friends, walked and persuaded for the past four months. Imgaine what might have happened had we truly engaged our wonderful friends in the labor movement, such as Sal Rosselli. And then, if we had lost, we'd have a real movement. Now we have to build one from Zach and Geoffrey up. Maybe it's all for the best. As Barack Obama has shown, real victories do not come easy, but they do come from movements.

Renewed Determination

UPDATED: AmericaBlog has a piece on a boycott concept that ought to be utilized in my view. The details can be found here. Given the size of the LGBT community's purchasing power, its a $800 billion bat to hit them back with.

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After having a mini-pity party yesterday, I am resolved to get up and continue my small part in the battle for full gay equality under the law. This Saturday will be a first step as the fundraising dinner I am co-chairing takes place with a sold out crowd of over 250 people, new mainstream sponsors - including two major local law firms - and a Congressman and Congressman elect attending. The proceeds will go to fund the efforts for gaining more legal rights for LGBT Virginians.

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The other thing that all of us can do to the maximum extent possible is live our lives "out and proud" - be who you are and apologize to no one. The guy's shirt in the photo at left sums up my attitude (click on it for a larger view). The more of us who live openly as who we are, the sooner the stereotypes utilized by our enemies will fall apart. Would that more professionals and celebrities would come out and dispel the lies told about us.

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On other fronts, I would love to see an organized boycott of Utah and all Mormon owned businesses by gays and our allies (e.g., avoid ski resorts in Utah and let them know why they are being boycotted). There should be a severe cost levied against those who disproportionately funded the attacks against gay equality. Likewise, someone needs to have a real "come to Jesus" with black leaders about anti-gay discrimination within the black community being unacceptable. I worked election day in a majority black precinct to protect black voters and my pay back was that their counterparts in California put Proposition 8 over the top. Why would I ever want to volunteer my time again for that cause? Anti-gay actions must have negative consequences.

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The other good news for the long term is that the Christo-fascist GOP may be killing itself for a generation as 63% the under 29 voter demographic voted a straight Democrat ticket in most instances. This is the same demographic that voted overwhelming FOR gay marriage. Time IS on our side as older homophobic bigots die off and a new generation replaces them at the polls. Since this group also increasingly views Christianity negatively (thanks in large part to evangelicals), there will be a increasing cost to the GOP in embracing the haters of the far right.

Equality Virginia's 5th Annual Activist Conference

Equality Virginia is hosting its 5th Annual Activist Conference in Richmond, Virginia, on Saturday, July 12, 2008 from 9:30 am to 5:00pm at the Virginia Commonwealth Unniversity Student Commons. 907 Floyd Ave Richmond, VA 23284. Registration is on a sliding scale of $5-$70. Suggested registration is $35 (includes lunch). Those who cannot afford $35 may pay less. EV asks that those who can afford to pay more do so in order to offset the cost of participation and ensure that financial cost will not be a barrier to anyone who would like to attend. More information can be found here. I will be speaking on the following topics:

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Legal issues in Virginia facing non-traditional families. Learn what you can do to protect your family regarding child custody, same-sex partner inheritance, and more. A Q&A will follow the panel presentation.

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There will be a number of other workshops that will be informative and worthwhile to attend. I hope readers in Virginia can attende the event.

Surrounded by People But All Alone

A number of regular readers have commented on the fact that I have not done any posts about my personal life of late. I guess I haven’t done so for a couple of reasons, but principally because I have been in a somewhat down mode of late. The post title describes how I often feel at times. I’m one of Obama’s “bitter” voters, except I have not clung to guns and God. Instead, I have thrown myself into activism efforts which at times overlap with marketing legal services to the LGBT community.
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On the activism front, I do keep busy between HRBOR, and now the effort to launch a LGBT community center. These efforts have vastly expanded my social net work and, more importantly, they allow me to try to make a difference. I truly want to do all that I can so that future generations of gays can have a better life and not suffer what I endured for so many years. Another lifeline is this blog and the wonderful readers and bloggers I have come to know. Their e-mails, comments and telephone calls make a huge difference in my life and provide happiness, humor and friendship. Unfortunately, all of them are located hundreds of miles away from this area.
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Another very positive front is my children. Yesterday my oldest daughter (the blonde in the photo) called to give me an update on her efforts to get a permanent counseling position (she has been working as a long term substitute at a high school). She believes that she has a good shot at a local high school which is pretty progressive – it has a GSA – and has a student oriented outlook (a refreshing concept in public education). My son has not sent any more e-mails or uploaded any more photos as yet, but did leave a phone message for his older sister the other day reporting that he was alive and well. My youngest daughter (the brunette) continues to be a joy and a worry. She will be in town the weekend of the 26th and we plan to get together. I am so happy that my relationship with them is back on a good level. There have been times during my dark days in the past when they are the only thing that has kept me going and prevented me from ending it all. I hope they know how much I love them.
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The biggest downer is the financial stress from a dead real estate market - even investor work has slowed markedly - which has made it essential for the law firm to bring in more work of other varieties. While making significant inroads with the LGBT market, I continue to be amazed at the number of gays who have their work done by local firms which would NEVER consent to having an openly gay partner and would force an openly gay partner out of the firm (been there, done that). Oh yes, these firms disingenuously sign the required non-discrimination forms of Virginia’s top law schools that bar firms from interviewing on campus if they discrimination against gays in hiring. Meanwhile, the few closeted gays at large local firms – I know a couple of attorneys at a prominent firm that has interviewed at UVA for decades always signing the statement - live in utter terror of having their sexual orientation discovered. Why do gays continue to subsidize such firms?
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Then there’s the dating front desert – I feel like I am stranded in the middle of the Sahara. Friends tell me I’m wonderful and a great catch yet there’s no line at the front door. Some say I intimidate people – I’m not sure why, since I consider myself pretty laid back except on certain political issues and my opposition to the Christianist agenda. Others say or imply that I am too “out” and that the vast multiple of quasi-closeted guys in this area would be afraid of being linked to me romantically. With no employment non-discrimination protections in Virginia these guys do have reason to worry. Nonetheless, I have no desire to climb into someone else’s closet after what I have gone through to get to the self-acceptance level I have achieved. Then, of course, there is the issue of not wanting to merely settle for someone less than what I truly want/need.
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I hope this update satisfies inquiring minds. :)