New Boyfriend

I spent much of the past weekend with a sweet guy that I began seeing about a month ago. It's funny because we first met perhaps almost five years ago and although it turns out both of us felt attraction to the other at that time, he was in a relationship that continued for a number of years more. By happen stance we have seen each other several times in recent months at fundraising and marketing/networking events. Then a month ago he took the initiative and told me he was single now and that he'd like to have dinner with me. From then on we've been seeing each other frequently and yesterday decided that we'd date each other exclusively and see where things go.

*

He's smart and a good conversationalist, sweet, caring, sensual, and treats me like no one ever has before. It feels wonderful, although strange at the same time. He truly makes me feel special. Like my incorrigible angel, he seems to see things in me that I don't even see or feel. It feels so comfortable and safe and so far he has made me very happy. Hopefully, I make him equally happy. I certainly want to do so.

*

And yes, he knows about this blog. :)

Dating Someone In the Closet

UPDATED: Some readers state that they know semi-closeted gays who are perfectly happy that way. I agree that there are those who may find happiness living that way. I just cannot do it myself nor do I think I could survive in a relationship where I had to appear to not exist, etc., and could not be acknowledged by my partner. Each of us must follow the path that works for us.

*

*

I have been chastised at times by some readers for my stand that I do not want to get involved romantically with any guys who is not totally out. It's not that I am unsympathetic to where these individuals might be in their process of self-acceptance or that I do not want to help them. The fact is that I am contacted by guys in the closet all the time seeking advise or my reflections on my experiences. Moreover, even after coming out socially and to family, out of fear I remained closeted at my former law firm for well over a year to the constant irritation of my former boyfriend. Truth be told, I hated it and it messed both me and my relationship up living that way. I believe that only when one has come out totally is it possible to achieve a full acceptance of yourself and finally live your life as who you are. No apologies or permission required. Thus I found it interesting that Matt at Debriefing the Boys said something very similar on his blog on this topic while recounting meeting someone he had been involved with previously who is still not out:
*

I learned a valuable lesson, though. As strongly as I sympathize with guys who are struggling to figure out whether they're gay, and as much as I want to help guys through that process (and you know I do, because I've talked to hundreds of you over the years), and as much as I want a boyfriend, I know now that I can't date a guy who doesn't know who he is and isn't ready to be proud of himself. As wonderful as a guy may be in every other way, I can't be somebody's dirty little secret.

*

That sentiment explains it all in my view. For those still in the closet, I believe that for me, being out in all facets of my life has been/is incredibly empowering and liberating. I truly do not believe that I could ever return to the closet. It would be totally suffocating at best.

Surrounded by People But All Alone

A number of regular readers have commented on the fact that I have not done any posts about my personal life of late. I guess I haven’t done so for a couple of reasons, but principally because I have been in a somewhat down mode of late. The post title describes how I often feel at times. I’m one of Obama’s “bitter” voters, except I have not clung to guns and God. Instead, I have thrown myself into activism efforts which at times overlap with marketing legal services to the LGBT community.
*

On the activism front, I do keep busy between HRBOR, and now the effort to launch a LGBT community center. These efforts have vastly expanded my social net work and, more importantly, they allow me to try to make a difference. I truly want to do all that I can so that future generations of gays can have a better life and not suffer what I endured for so many years. Another lifeline is this blog and the wonderful readers and bloggers I have come to know. Their e-mails, comments and telephone calls make a huge difference in my life and provide happiness, humor and friendship. Unfortunately, all of them are located hundreds of miles away from this area.
*
Another very positive front is my children. Yesterday my oldest daughter (the blonde in the photo) called to give me an update on her efforts to get a permanent counseling position (she has been working as a long term substitute at a high school). She believes that she has a good shot at a local high school which is pretty progressive – it has a GSA – and has a student oriented outlook (a refreshing concept in public education). My son has not sent any more e-mails or uploaded any more photos as yet, but did leave a phone message for his older sister the other day reporting that he was alive and well. My youngest daughter (the brunette) continues to be a joy and a worry. She will be in town the weekend of the 26th and we plan to get together. I am so happy that my relationship with them is back on a good level. There have been times during my dark days in the past when they are the only thing that has kept me going and prevented me from ending it all. I hope they know how much I love them.
*
The biggest downer is the financial stress from a dead real estate market - even investor work has slowed markedly - which has made it essential for the law firm to bring in more work of other varieties. While making significant inroads with the LGBT market, I continue to be amazed at the number of gays who have their work done by local firms which would NEVER consent to having an openly gay partner and would force an openly gay partner out of the firm (been there, done that). Oh yes, these firms disingenuously sign the required non-discrimination forms of Virginia’s top law schools that bar firms from interviewing on campus if they discrimination against gays in hiring. Meanwhile, the few closeted gays at large local firms – I know a couple of attorneys at a prominent firm that has interviewed at UVA for decades always signing the statement - live in utter terror of having their sexual orientation discovered. Why do gays continue to subsidize such firms?
*
Then there’s the dating front desert – I feel like I am stranded in the middle of the Sahara. Friends tell me I’m wonderful and a great catch yet there’s no line at the front door. Some say I intimidate people – I’m not sure why, since I consider myself pretty laid back except on certain political issues and my opposition to the Christianist agenda. Others say or imply that I am too “out” and that the vast multiple of quasi-closeted guys in this area would be afraid of being linked to me romantically. With no employment non-discrimination protections in Virginia these guys do have reason to worry. Nonetheless, I have no desire to climb into someone else’s closet after what I have gone through to get to the self-acceptance level I have achieved. Then, of course, there is the issue of not wanting to merely settle for someone less than what I truly want/need.
*
I hope this update satisfies inquiring minds. :)