The Catharsis of "Love, Simon"

Nick Robinson as movie protagonist Simon Spier

After cleaning up following Easter dinner with one of my daughters and her family, the husband and I and a couple of friends went to see the movie "Love, Simon," a movie which some would describe as a coming of age movie.  The main difference is that the protagonist, Simon, is gay.  By coincidence, a friend who has a long history of national level LGBT activism also happened to go to the same showing of the movie.  Collectively, we loved the movie which is a combination of being hysterically funny in places and heavy on drama in others, especially for those of us who grew up as closeted LGBT youth always terrified that someone would discover our closely held secret - something that plagues Simon through much of the movie.  The good news is that the movie has a nice ending even though it left us wishing our teen years could have been different.  Indeed, my activist friend remarked that had we had a movie like Love, Simon during our own teen years, perhaps our lives would have been filled with less self-hate and anxiety.  My advice to both gays and straights is to see the movie, straights in particular who might get some much needed understanding of the trials of growing up gay in America.  A piece in The Advocate looks at the movie and touches on some of the reflections I experienced.   Here are highlights:

I walked out of Love, Simon a ball of emotions. I was happy, delighting in what was an unabashedly romantic story with a young gay protagonist. I was melancholy, mourning an adolescence I never had. I was both jealous and grateful, envying a generation of young queer people who had Simon’s story to celebrate, but at the same time relieved that they might not struggle as I had.

And I was proud and validated, because while Love, Simon was not my story, parts of my story were reflected in Simon’s journey.

It has been a couple of weeks since I watched the film and I have had time to process it. Seemingly, it is not a film that warrants processing. It adheres to the conventions of a well-worn genre. It is intended for the not-particularly discerning mainstream. But I nevertheless found it deeply affecting and have needed time to come to terms with why.

Growing up in the '90s in a conservative Catholic family in a conservative town in Australia’s most conservative state presented challenges for a young lad like me. You see, I wasn’t like the other boys; worryingly, it seemed I actually liked the other boys. And as time went on, I began to fear that this wasn’t a phase; that maybe I was stuck with this affliction, this "moral evil" and "objective disorder" that the Catholic Catechism on our bookshelf decried. Perhaps I was gay. A more terrifying prospect I could not have imagined. Unhelpfully, I had no one with whom I could talk about it. . . . . And I desperately needed to talk to a sinner.

The need for role models is a decidedly human trait and the search for them a decidedly human endeavor. As I was completely bereft of role models in my personal life, I did what many a young person does – I looked for them elsewhere, primarily in other people’s stories and usually in film.

However, the 1990s are not renowned for their sympathetic portrayal of queer characters or stories. And the few queer-themed movies that did make their way to Australia ranged from powerful but pretty grim dramas like Philadelphia and The Crying Game to farces like The Birdcage and comedies like The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Germane to the majority of this mainstream queer fare was a sense of tragedy and doom. And the take-home message for this impressionable young guy? Gay equals either a long life of quiet desperation or a short life peppered with hostility and rejection and liberal doses of ABBA.  Teen-oriented films weren’t much better.

Which brings me back to Love, Simon. Here for the first time is a major studio film that features as its protagonist a young gay man coming to terms with his sexuality and finding his place in the world. And there is the promise of a happily ever after for him.

What would the 16-year-old me have made of this film? How would I have reacted to seeing a teenager trying to work his way out of the closet? And the coming-out scenes with his family – would they have inspired me to take those first tentative steps out of my dark, glitterless closet? Might they have nudged me closer to a conversation with my family that would not take place for years?

[T]here is no doubt that Simon is the kind of role model I would have embraced as a confused, scared teen. But I also realize that one film would not have significantly altered my timeline or journey. There was more at play in my life than Simon could singularly bear on his shoulders.

But a boy can dream. I can dream of taking the 16-year-old me to a movie about a boy called Simon, a boy who is trying to come out to the world in his own time and on his own terms. I can watch him relate to Simon’s struggles and empathise with his fears. I can laugh with him at Simon’s awkwardness. I can smuggle him a tissue when Simon comes out to his family and they embrace him. I can share with him the elation of the final scenes.

And as the credits roll, I can turn to him and say, "See. It’s going to be OK." 

The author of the piece bemoans growing up in the 1990's.  For me, as teen in the 1960's and first years of the 1970's, the 1990's were downright accepting and wonderful in comparison. No child or youth should undergo rejection, bullying or condemnation by modern day Pharisees simply for who they are - who god made them to be. 

Statements on Love - Cynical and Practical

BuzzFeed has a compilation of 39 statements about love by various celebrities in a lead up to Valentine's Day next month.  Here are a couple of personal favorites whether or not I actually agree with them in terms of my personal life:

Check out the others and pick your own favorites.

Reflections on Same Sex Love

The enemies of gay marriage depict and define same sex relationships solely in turns of physical sex acts. They utterly - and I believe intentionally - ignore and disregard the emotional and psychological elements of a committed gay relationships which ultimately involve the same sort of soul to soul bonding that occurs in a committed heterosexual relationship. Our enemies' goal is to depict us as perverts and in fact argue somehow that we less than human so that they can arouse others to hate us. Yes, their words about us are lies - very pernicious lies - aimed at hurting and denigrating.

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It is important that we always remind ourselves that these nasty words are lies. Better yet, we need to show the world that they are lies. Yesterday the boyfriend and I attended two anniversary gatherings for gay couples that clearly demonstrated the untruths disseminated by our enemies. One couple was celebrating 25 years together and the other was celebrating 28 years together, obviously showing the lie of claims by homophobes that gay relationships are unstable and cannot last.

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Both gatherings were moving, but particularly the first where the couple has faced serious challenges and health issues, yet have remained committed and loving towards each other - a number of us found ourselves teary eyed in fact. Interestingly, at this same affair they had an Episcopal priest who had known the couple for many years and said a few words. Among her remarks, she recited a folktale that involves one's soul being split at birth and the other one half being placed in the person that will make one whole. It was an apt description of this couple and to me illustrates the strength of true love and commitment that occurs when "your other half" is found. Whether that other half happens to be in another of the same sex truly should not matter. True love is true love - no matter what our detractors say about us.

Saturday Reflections

UPDATED: We have had a truly relaxing day and good camaraderie. Dinner later and more sightseeing. Oh, and for the benefit of the ex-wife if she's got me under surveillance, the boyfriend is paying for the trip so all of my extra funds can go to paying off the ex-wife off as soon as possible.

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The boyfriend and I and four of the "usual suspects" as he calls some of our gay friends from Hampton, Virginia, are on a brief get away and as always, I find the b/f to be such a sweet and wonderful guy. I was truly most fortunate when he came into my life and I hope that I give him back the happiness he brings to me. I will treasure this time with him and am enjoying to get to know our friends - whom he has known for many years - better. I will post more later in the day or tomorrow. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Thoughts on a Relationship

It has been over three months since I began dating the boyfriend exclusively and in that time he has amazed me continually with his sweetness and inherent goodness. I see it not only in how he treats me, but also in his kindness to others and the near adoration he receives from his many friends, many of whom have known him for decades. Is he a keeper? Most definitely! And together with my children, he's the best thing in my life.

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Why do I love him so? It's not just that he's cute, smart, witty, and personable (and for some reason crazy about me). Rather, I love him the most because he has a beautiful soul - and that is what lasts over time. I don't mean to embarrass him with the post. I just want the world to know how wonderful he is. I am looking forward to spending the Thanksgiving holiday with him. First with his family locally and then in Charlottesville with members of my family. Our detractors try to diminish our love and define us negatively, but to me, my love for the boyfriend is incredibly beautiful and I cherish him.

Ways to Maintain or Kill a Relationship

Maintaining a loving committed relationship takes effort. No matter how well you think you know someone and/or how well you think that you can read their thoughts and feelings, the reality is that no one can fully know another. As a result, if you presume to know their thoughts and motivations, you are placing your relationship in peril and may be risking losing that person that you claim to love beyond all others. I have seen this phenomenon both in my own past relationships and with friends. Never assume you fully know another's thoughts and feelings. We all come with our own unique experiences and baggage. What we may think is obvious may be totally wrong. Honest communication is needed and by communication I do not mean talking at someone until you have beaten them into submission. Sadly, not everyone approaches others this way.
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Why is this a problem? Because interpreting your lover/partner's thoughts and behavior through the prism of your own emotions and experiences can result in you reaching totally incorrect judgments. You cannot read someone else's mind. Jumping to conclusions and/or always assuming bad motivations on the part of your love/partner will only erode the trust and security of your relationship. The reality is that you want your relationship to provide each of you with a safe haven and not, instead, a never ending Hurricane Katrina. The bottom line is do not jump to conclusions and never presume to know the thoughts and reasoning behind your partner's actions, motivations or responses. Always check things out with your partner to make sure you're both correctly understanding the other. This will save you from much grief and possibly save you from looking back on love lost because of your own presumptions and possibly, even arrogance.

Thoughts of Love Lost

Music wise, I like an assortment of types of music from some country (e.g., I love Patsy Cline), to dance club CD's, to classical. It pretty much depends on where I am and what I am doing. Going through some old boxes recently, I found some old cassettes I had forgotten about. One has a series of songs by Rodney Crowell. One song on the cassette always makes me think back about those I have loved romantically and lost - either because I was in the closet and never professed my love and missed what might have been. Or even in the case of my ex-wife, some of the genuinely good times we had even though our relationship was doomed to fail (and turn ugly in the divorce). Here the words to this song called "After All This Time":

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There were trains

And we out-run 'em

There were songs

And we out-sung 'em

There were brighter days never ending

There was time

And we were burnin'

There were rhymes

And we were learnin'

There was all the love two hearts could hold

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And after all this time
You're always on my mind
Hey I could never let it end'
Cause my heart takes so long to mend
The dream that keeps your hopes alive
The lonely nights you hold inside
And after all this time
You're always on my mind
I still want you
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There was rain
That we outlasted
There was pain
But we got past it
There were last goodbyes still left unspoken
There were ways I should have thrilled you
There were days I could have killed you
You're the only love my life has known
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And after all this time
You're always on my mind
Hey I could never let you go
A broken heart that heals so slow
Could never beat for someone new
While you're alive and I am too
And after all this time
You're always on my mind
I still miss you
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And I could never let it in'
Cause my heart takes so long to mend
The dream that keeps your hopes alive
The lonely nights you hold inside
And after all this time
You're always on my mind
I still want you
Hey after all this time
You're always on my mind
I still love you

Saturday Morning Reflections

The past week was insane at the office, especially when a defective Windows download crashed my office computer network, basically leaving the firm dead in the water for most of Thursday. To add to the mix, my roommate advised me that he has decided to get out of the Navy early, so I will be going through the routine of finding a new roommate who is both responsible and compatible. So far the weekend is making up for it all. Last night the boyfriend and I spent a relaxing evening at his beautiful home over dinner and then watching a video. He continues to amaze me with his gentleness, sensitivity and beautiful heart. He truly is a sweetheart and I consider myself so very, very lucky to have found him. I am savoring getting to know him on a deeper and deeper basis. At times I still feel he's almost too good to be true and hope that our relationship becomes even deeper and enduring.

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Tonight we have a fundraiser to attend featuring Leslie Jordan who has starred in Sordid Lives and appeared on Will & Grace. His show is called My Trip Down the Pink Carpet and is reportedly hysterically funny. We will be going to a post-show event where we hopefully will get to meet Jordan as well. Tomorrow will likely be the last of the Sunday afternoon pool parties at the home of some friends in Virginia Beach.

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On a sad note, I have been watching the news coverage of the devastation in the Galveston-Houston area where I lived during my days as in-house counsel to Union Texas Petroleum, an independent international oil company. I was particularly saddened to see that Brennan's of Houston, Brennan's was totally destroyed by a fire. Brennan's was a favorite spot to take visiting out of town guests for the fabulous brunch that was one of its trademark offerings. It was among the first places my oldest daughter went out as a baby (a photo of the patio balcony - one of a number of elegant rooms - where we often sat is set out below). The restaurant also was the location of a scene in the movie Terms of Endearment. I suspect it will be one of many old haunts that will have been destroyed or severely damaged by Hurricane Ike. Here are some highlights from the Houston Chronicle:

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Brennan's Restaurant, a Midtown institution famous for its turtle soup and bananas foster and a time-honored eatery among local society, was ruined by the blaze. A 45-year-old man and his 4-year-old daughter, along with a third man who was not related to them, were taking refuge from the storm inside the brick structure. . . . Reached on his cellular phone, Alex Brennan-Martin, Brennan's co-owner and part of a family of famed New Orleans restaurateurs, declined to comment, apparently too emotional to speak.

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In 2005, Houston Chronicle restaurant reviewer Alison Cook included a personal note that rang true with many who grew up with Brennan's as a touchstone for a fancy night out. "I have a long and mostly happy history with this restaurant, which opened in the former Junior League building in 1967," Cook wrote. "Through my post-college jobs, Brennan's was a place where I got comfortable with fine dining, where I discovered the joys of Meursault wines, learned to eat grillade and grits, and decided that 'brunch' was a word to be welcomed instead of feared.

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Brennan's traces its history to a New Orleans restaurant of the same name opened in 1946 by Owen Edward Brennan. The son of a local shipyard worker, Brennan had already staked a claim on the local landscape when he acquired the Old Absinthe House on Bourbon Street three years earlier. The Absinthe House was built in 1798 and was known to be pirate Jean Lafitte's secret hangout, and after buying it, Brennan staged lifelike mannequins of the notorious Lafitte and Andrew Jackson in what he called the "Secret Room" — the room in which a pact was supposedly made to assist in New Orleans' defense against the British at the Battle of New Orleans.

Weekend Happiness

It is Saturday and I will be spending most of the weekend with my new b/f at his wonderful home. We have had a number of social engagements - cocktail party, dinner with a group of his friends and the theater - today as I meet his friends. I will not be spending much time on line and, as a result, I will not be posting very often over the next few days.

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The weekend started wonderfully last night when he took me for a romantic dinner. Today was a most enjoyable day too. I feel a sense of peace and saftey when I'm with him and he has further shown himself to be a sweet and wonderful guy. When he holds me in his arms, I could have the moment last forever. It is truly amazing for me and I think that I give him similar happiness. I am letting go of fear and opening my heart to him and he is filling it with love and affection. I feel blessed that we found each other and I am enjoying living in the moment with him. More about the weekend on Monday or Tuesday.

New Boyfriend

I spent much of the past weekend with a sweet guy that I began seeing about a month ago. It's funny because we first met perhaps almost five years ago and although it turns out both of us felt attraction to the other at that time, he was in a relationship that continued for a number of years more. By happen stance we have seen each other several times in recent months at fundraising and marketing/networking events. Then a month ago he took the initiative and told me he was single now and that he'd like to have dinner with me. From then on we've been seeing each other frequently and yesterday decided that we'd date each other exclusively and see where things go.

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He's smart and a good conversationalist, sweet, caring, sensual, and treats me like no one ever has before. It feels wonderful, although strange at the same time. He truly makes me feel special. Like my incorrigible angel, he seems to see things in me that I don't even see or feel. It feels so comfortable and safe and so far he has made me very happy. Hopefully, I make him equally happy. I certainly want to do so.

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And yes, he knows about this blog. :)

Early Morning Birthday Thoughts

Today is my birthday - I generally try to pretend that they are not happening - and haven't yet decided whether to wear all black today or not. :) The day has started out, however, in a very special way already. My incorrigible angel sent wonderful birthday wishes that he must have pre-programmed weeks ago to make sure that no matter what I received his birthday greetings. Since he is very private, I cannot direct readers to them, but suffice it to say, they were beautiful thoughts and delivered in a very imaginative way. I thank him from the bottom of my heart.

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That pleasant surprise was followed by an early telephone call with birthday wishes from a special someone that I have started seeing. The water lily photo is very much like that on a special card he made for me - he's creative and artistic - which I could never replicate. This evening, he is having something special for me so I have something to look forward through out the day. I likewise thank him for touching my heart already today. Before the day is out, I'm sure I'll have more calls from my children and family members too.

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Compared to a year ago, I am in a very different place spiritually and in terms of being comfortable with who I am. Yes, outwardly, I had adjusted to being an out gay man, but I guess that sense of ease with who I am had not yet be fully internalized. Added to that, my relationship with my former partner had ended badly and I was in some ways a sleep walker for some months after that. He and I still talk from time to time and he seems to have met someone nice, which makes me happy. I always wanted him to be happy and I surely was not giving him that due to fate, random chance, misalignment of the stars or whatever reason. Added to that, my divorce was still in a very brutal phase and was something that always clouded the horizon for me and provided a constant source of pain.

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Now, I feel that I've come into my own somewhat, if you will. At 56, my finances have not recovered from the divorce, a law firm imploding, etc., but I like who I am. To me, that sense of being comfortable in my own skin is beyond priceless. It is something that eluded me for so many years and decades. I am also doing a much better job of living in the moment and not driving myself crazy engaging in the illusion of trying to control the future while missing the joy to be experienced in the now. True, I still have improvement to make in not allowing myself to feel the old habit of letting panic start to touch me, but I'm light years from where I was before I began the coming out process. Coming out is not an easy process or for the feint of heart. But, if i had not done it, in addition to probably being dead from suicide, I'd never have found my real self.

Incorrigible Angel - Part 2

I suspect that those reading this blog for some time have noticed a change over time in my sense of confidence in matters pertaining to my personal life. Yes, I have always been opinionated on politics and other current event issues. But on personal matters, the coming out process entails far more than just admitting to the world that one is gay. Or at least such is my view. The process is not truly completed until you can not only say to the world that you are gay but also feel with confidence that being gay is okay and natural, with no sense of a need to apologize to anyone or gain anyone's approval.

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Having been raised Catholic where the indoctrination of guilt and a sense of sinfulness (and the attendant lack of self-value that goes with it), I was perhaps at a disadvantage in coming out since I had so much baggage to overcome in that area of my self-perception. I suspect those raised Baptist and certain other denominations and faiths carry a similar burden. Also, in many ways until my horrific divorce was behind me, I had achieved a reconciliation with my children, and I had ended a relationship that had cease to work, I do not think I was yet at a place to find self-acceptance and also a better sense of worth.

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Then, having had those milestones come to pass, unexpectedly my incorrigible angel (I have depicted him as Michael the Archangel in the print above) entered into my life arising from a comment I had posted on some blog. Little did i know that the comment would bring such a wonderful result. Due to many similarities in our life experiences - previously married, adult children, committed relationship that recently ended, etc. - we seemed to connect almost instantly. Since that time he has been suppotive and a cheerleader-in-chief helping me to "see better" as he describes it. My incorrigible angel believes that I have achieved a new and better stage in my life, and in terms of my self-acceptance he is correct. If such is the case, however, then some significant part of that achievement comes from his counsel, support, reflection and ability to see in me things that I have failed to see or have undervalued. He tells me that I should let the world see more of the inner me which he tells me is wonderful. By coincidence, someone new in my life has told me that he sees me in much the same way. I guess the lesson for all of us is that if you want others to see worth in you, you need to be able to see it in yourself too.

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While my incorrigible angel is enduring many trials at the moment, I hope that he will know how much I value what he has given me. He also needs to know that he can call upon me at any time to return the gift that he has given to me. His significant other - who seems an angel himself by all reports - is most blessed to have found my incorrigible angel and as a result is a very, very lucky guy. Am I jealous? Perhaps a little, but I am so very happy that my incorrible angel has found someone who sees him for the amazingly special person that he is.

Incorrigible Angel

A true friend and soul mate is someone who supports you no matter what, even if that means at times that they have to bring you down to earth and make you see what you have overlooked. Moreover, they see things in you - including worth, compassion, value and goodness - that you often overlook in the chaos of life or discount due to passed struggles and/or perceived defeats. They never let go. Never ever.

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Over the better part of the last five months, I have come to have such an person in my life. This sweet, gentle person whom I have never even met in person has not only been supportive in my times of trials but has also done much to encourage me to keep writing this blog and to more fully express my inner self. He sees in me things that I can only hope that I can live up to. I in turn think he is wonderful and when he jokes at times that he's my guardian angel, I think that perhaps he is. A naughty but wonderful angel.

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My angel can be incorrigible at times but in a most sweet and disarming way. He is going through some terrible times right now, yet nonetheless he worries about me and seeks to watch over me from afar. I truly want to be for him a reflection of what he has been for me. I want to give back the faith, love and support that I have received and have vowed to not fail him. I want him to know that I will not let go either. I love you my incorrigible angel.

Love and Living in the Moment

As I have mentioned on other occasions, one of the things I have learned during my coming out process and the related therapy that I underwent is to enjoy the "now" and to try to enjoy every moment for whatever it may bring to you. That's not to say that I'm irresponsible and do not try to work towards a successful future. Rather, it involves putting behind me the sense that I have to have everything planned out months and years in advance and be "in control" of everything. The reality is that one's best laid plans can be turned upside down in a moment by some random, unexpected event and all those moments of drying myself crazy were for naught. Too often, I spent so much time and energy worrying about tomorrow that I missed the wonders of the present moment. This is something I was talking about with my friend Justin by telephone last night and about which we reached concurrence: in relationships and new love, one must savor the now and not over think matters and/or try to over control tomorrow. Thus, it is ironic that my friend Euphoric has a post today that utilizes something from another friend's writing that looks at this concept. Here's a portion of what Euphoric's friend Jarad wrote:

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Relationships end all the time; they become friendships, they suffer betrayals, love dies and wilts like a rose, but sometimes it’s so strong it lives forever…If it does die, if it never even begins then I will still be happy that I took that chance…that I gave you the power to break my heart…it doesn’t matter what happens, and why…what matters is we’re here now, pouring our hearts out to each other…trying to make the other understand…and, right now, this very second, I like you…I look forward to chatting to you every night…I think about you during the day…whatever happens at least we have this moment, this time. We shall see what happens, and whatever does happen, it happens. No regrets.”

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Do I care about tomorrow? Most definitely. Am I going to drive myself to distraction worrying about things I cannot control? Not any more. I've done that far too much in the past. As far as love goes, I see myself as a good person, kind and loving, romantic, worthy of love, and generally compassionate. When the right guy comes along he will recognize these qualities in me. I will in turn be seeking the same things in him.

Late Night Thoughts - Angels on Earth

It is strange how when we least expect it someone will come into our lives and touch us in unimagined ways. At first, their appearance may seem some totally random event. But in retrospect, it seems that there was some purpose - some divine purpose perhaps - behind their entrance into your life.

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From their comments from time to time, I realize that some readers are skeptics at best when it comes to belief in God or angels or religion in general. There are days that I am so inclined myself, yet my faith - perhaps in a Jeffersonian deist form - always rebounds. In part, this may due to the powers of goodness and spirituality that one unexpectedly encounters in life. Sometimes these powers evidence themselves in human form. People who touch our hearts and heal our souls at times of darkness and fear. Some of you readers have done that to/for me. There are days that your comments, e-mails and phone calls have kept me going. Perhaps even saved my life during the darkest days of my divorce nightmare when I feel I was largely on trial for being gay. Then again through my fears of potentially dire medical issues that ultimately proved to be false alarms.

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One reader, however, holds a special place in my heart above all others. This individual is very private, so I will not reveal her/his identity. Suffice it to say, that this person has been an angel on earth for me. This person has helped me through some incredibly dark moments plagued with fear and/or the inclination to slide back towards self destructive and possibly even suicidal thoughts. This person has believed in me when I have almost lost belief in myself. There is no way in which I can ever fully thank or repay this individual for what they have given me.

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Suffice it to say, I love this person though we've never met. Indeed, I will always hold love for them in my heart, I truly hope we have an opportunity to met someday. But if not, this person will always be in my heart and mind. Always. I hope they realize this. To make sure, I am saying it here to you.

The Appalachian Trail and My Son

I met my son for lunch today before he heads off on his latest adventure at the end of the week – hiking the entire Appalachian Trail, starting at the terminus in Georgia and heading north up through Maine. For readers who do not know, the Appalachian Trail is a continuous marked footpath that goes from Katahdin in Maine to Springer Mountain in Georgia, a distance of about 2,160 miles. As the map at left shows, one of the longest portions of the Trail is in Virginia, running up along the Blue Ridge Mountains. Along the way the Trail crosses six national parks, traverses eight national forests, touches 14 states, and crosses numerous state and local forests and parks. The Trail’s web site (http://www.appalachiantrail.org/site/c.jkLXJ8MQKtH/b.1423119/k.BEA0/Home.htm)

indicates that it takes approximately 5 million footsteps to walk the entire length of the Trail. For the last year for which data is posted, about 29% of those who started out in Georgia made it all the way to Maine. Traversing it will be quite a feat and adventure.

Obviously, I would feel better in some ways if my son would go back and finish his four year college degree (he did two years at VCU and had good grades and a dean’s scholarship). On the other hand, I always did what was “expected” when I was his age – and for many, many years more – and it did not bring me happiness. Thus, I do believe that if my son has dreams of things he wants to do, now is the time to do them. He is 22, in very good shape and is wilderness savvy – one of his friends in Portland runs a wilderness survival training school, in fact – and has done much reading up on the Appalachian Trail, various groups that do expeditions, etc. As a parent, I will naturally worry about him, although he does plan on e-mailing us all from internet cafes that are available at points along the Trail and also setting up a new Flicker account where he can upload photos. If he does upload photos, I will post some here on the blog as he progresses along the Trail. He also plans on keeping a journal and can perhaps write a book or a blog about his experiences.

I am very proud of my son despite his marching to a different drummer at times. He is very good looking, extremely intelligent, and an altogether good person. Despite the messed up aspects of my marriage and my tortured years in the closet, I can honestly say that I have three wonderful kids and having them offsets the years of self-loathing and sense of failure I feel at times over the end of my marriage and my career path not being what it might have been. Lunch today was very enjoyable and I feel that my son knows I love him and that I support him in his endeavors. It is his life and he needs to live it in ways that make HIM happy. One should never live their life to meet the expectations of others – my son has figured this out at 22. It took me nearly three decades longer. I guess I am a slow learner. I love you Peter and good luck!!

The Essence of True Love

I found this quote from the Speech of Aristophanes, The Symposium, by Plato over at Andrew Sullivan's blog (http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/02/for-valentines.html) and thought it worth repeating. To me, it describes the essence of true love. Something that each of us, if we are lucky, will experience at some point in our lives. It likewise describes the aspect of gay love that the Christianists try to pretend utterly does not exist:

"When a man meets the half that is his very own, then something wonderful happens; the two are struck from their senses by love, by a sense of belonging to one another, and by desire, and they don't want to be separated from one another, not even for a moment. These are the people who finish out their lives together and still cannot say what it is they want from one another.

No one would think it is the intimacy of sex - that mere sex is the reason each lover takes so great and deep a joy in one another. It's obvious that the soul of every lover longs for something else; his soul cannot say what it is, but like an oracle is has a sense of what it wants, and like an oracle it hides behind a riddle.

Suppose two lovers are lying together and Hephaestus stands over them and asks "What is it you human beings really want from each other?" And suppose they're perplexed and he asks them again:

"Is this your heart's desire, then, for the two of you to become parts of the same whole, as near as can be, and never to separate day or night? Because if that's your desire, I'd like to weld you together and join you into something that is naturally whole, so that the two of you are made into one. Then the two of you would share one life, as long as you lived, because you would be one being, and, by the same token, when you died you would be one not two in heaven.

Look at your love, and see if this is what you desire: wouldn't this be all the good fortune you could want? No one who received this offer would turn it down. No one would find anything else more precious."

Relationships - Painful Endings

When a relationship ends and one hopes to remain on decent terms with the former lover, is such a hope impossible? Should one even try to achieve such a result? It is a question I ask myself frequently these days. In theory it would seem possible. And in many ways it would seem a desirable result. I am not a confrontational person and always hope to see everyone happy.

I guess the big issue is whether both parties will admit that what once was is lost forever and that it can never again be re-achieved - at the very least not on the same terms. The relationship’s original wonder and purity have been damaged, probably beyond repair. One cannot erase the past, try as one might. And old wounds and disfunctionalities do not disappear on their own. What then is the best course of action?

Also, why do so many who want to reclaim a failed relationship seem doomed to repeat the very behaviors that pushed the relationship into decline in the first place. It is ever so easy for a person to say that they have changed and that past problems will not reoccur. Yet meanwhile, the questioning, jealousy, badgering and whatever other behaviors that drove the beloved away are still present. At least it seems from the perspective of the former beloved. Why can’t a person see their own behavior is their biggest problem? How does one convince someone that while they are still loved, one simply cannot be in a relationship with them anymore?

Relationships and Their Aftermaths - Part 2

I want to thank those of you who posted comments or sent me e-mails concerning my post on Saturday about relationships and their aftermaths. One person made the following very appropriate observation:

“You should know by now that entering into or continuing a relationship in hopes that the other person will change doesn't work. As difficult as it might be, the best method to get on with it, truly is to be your own person. Let yourself live and love again. And, above all, put some distance between that person - if you don't, you have not moved on and will find reasons to fall back into old habits . . .”

Ironically, I had a telephone conversation with the ex b/f yesterday that showed me just how accurate this advice was. Firstly, the ex maintains he has changed and that I am the one who has not changed. In reality I have changed - I will no longer be or stay in a relationship that is not working simply so that I am not alone. Secondly, he made it painfully obvious that he has not changed - during our conversation, his same old patterns reappeared, e.g., accusing me of things that I have not done, demanding to know who I am dating or seeing (in point of fact, I am NOT seeing or dating anyone), refusing to accept the truth that I am NOT seeing or dating anyone, and making it sound as if our break up was solely my fault. Thirdly, he accuses me of trying to control him, yet he is the one that was so jealous (without reason) that I came to feel like I was under FBI surveillance and would not have been surprised to find a GPS monitoring device planted on my Jeep.

Lastly, he refuses to take responsibility for or acknowledged that when he first struck me in anger (for the record, he hit me numerous time on that fatefully night), the entire relation irretrievably changed. I have forgiven him for his actions, but I will not forget them. The two are entirely different things. Forgiveness doe NOT mean that I will ever again put myself in a position/in a relationship where I have to be afraid. I simply will not do it.

I do not intend to make my ex sound like some kind of cruel person. In many ways he is an amazingly caring and kind person. In many ways, he has a heart of gold. However, the “Mr. Hyde” aspects of his personality are something I will not/cannot live with. I wish him much happiness and hope he finds the guy who makes him happy. He truly deserves to be happy. It simply will not be with me. True, I made mistakes in our relationship and I brought a huge amount of baggage to the relationship. But none of that gave him the right to hit me. In my view, absent protecting one’s self or others from physical attack and violence, NO ONE has the right to hit another person with the intent of hurting them.

Thoughts of My Son - Update

It's after 11:30 PM and I am back from Virginia Beach General Hospital. The bike accident involved a wipe out after a chain on his bike popped loose which resulted in him having the end of the straight angle handle bar jab him hard in the stomach just under his ribs on his left side. Readers need to understand that Pete is a bicycling maniac and has ridden his bike from Richmond to Virginia Beach - i.e., over 100 miles - in a single day, so he is hard core. He is no sissy.

He is resting and sedated for pain and will be monitored over night and a determination made not later than tomorrow whether or not his spleen needs to come out. I hope an pray that it does not (1) because he'll recover faster and (2) because without a spleen one is more susceptible to infection, etc. If things change during the night, my ex-wife will call me since she lives much closer to the hospital and/or may decide to spend the night there.

Pete was in pretty good spirits - I guess morphine will do that - and very warm towards me. Needless to say when I hugged him before leaving I started to tear up, which I think he noticed. We just talked on the phone a minute ago too and I did start crying when he said he loved me. If nothing else, maybe this will help mend some of the mess left over from the divorce wars.

I will confess that it was weird sitting there in the room for over two hours with Pete and the ex-wife after not speaking for over a year and after all the nastiness. She was actually quite cordial. My youngest daughter (pictured with Peter in the prior post) blew in for a while too with one of her friends that we have known all her life, and caused some humor and laughter. Fortunately, Beach General is a good hospital - that's where my oldest was miraculously stabilized when she was stricken with meningitis in 1999 - and my sister is on staff there (and can access information and reports for us). She's confirmed that the surgeons that will operate if need be, are among those that she'd letter do surgery on her - always a good standard of approval. So now, it's a waiting game. NOT my strong suit.

The other irony is that while we were hanging out in Pete's room - they moved him to a floor from the ER - was that conversation came up about the former next door neighbors. Apparently the husband beat the daylights out of the wife while they were in California for a family event last week and put her in the hospital yet again. I guess he's being automatically charge under California law for assault or some other charge. Why she ever stayed with him baffles me. I find it especially ironic because he was SOOO nasty and hateful towards me after I came out and moved out. He sad nasty stuff about what I was doing to my family and the trauma I cuased pales compared to his behavior. I could not help but think that perhaps me being gay looked WAY better to the ex-wife and my son after this latest incident.