Monday, December 10, 2007

Relationships and Their Aftermaths - Part 2

I want to thank those of you who posted comments or sent me e-mails concerning my post on Saturday about relationships and their aftermaths. One person made the following very appropriate observation:

“You should know by now that entering into or continuing a relationship in hopes that the other person will change doesn't work. As difficult as it might be, the best method to get on with it, truly is to be your own person. Let yourself live and love again. And, above all, put some distance between that person - if you don't, you have not moved on and will find reasons to fall back into old habits . . .”

Ironically, I had a telephone conversation with the ex b/f yesterday that showed me just how accurate this advice was. Firstly, the ex maintains he has changed and that I am the one who has not changed. In reality I have changed - I will no longer be or stay in a relationship that is not working simply so that I am not alone. Secondly, he made it painfully obvious that he has not changed - during our conversation, his same old patterns reappeared, e.g., accusing me of things that I have not done, demanding to know who I am dating or seeing (in point of fact, I am NOT seeing or dating anyone), refusing to accept the truth that I am NOT seeing or dating anyone, and making it sound as if our break up was solely my fault. Thirdly, he accuses me of trying to control him, yet he is the one that was so jealous (without reason) that I came to feel like I was under FBI surveillance and would not have been surprised to find a GPS monitoring device planted on my Jeep.

Lastly, he refuses to take responsibility for or acknowledged that when he first struck me in anger (for the record, he hit me numerous time on that fatefully night), the entire relation irretrievably changed. I have forgiven him for his actions, but I will not forget them. The two are entirely different things. Forgiveness doe NOT mean that I will ever again put myself in a position/in a relationship where I have to be afraid. I simply will not do it.

I do not intend to make my ex sound like some kind of cruel person. In many ways he is an amazingly caring and kind person. In many ways, he has a heart of gold. However, the “Mr. Hyde” aspects of his personality are something I will not/cannot live with. I wish him much happiness and hope he finds the guy who makes him happy. He truly deserves to be happy. It simply will not be with me. True, I made mistakes in our relationship and I brought a huge amount of baggage to the relationship. But none of that gave him the right to hit me. In my view, absent protecting one’s self or others from physical attack and violence, NO ONE has the right to hit another person with the intent of hurting them.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hello, again. It is comforting that my earlier post was useful to you. As a general rule, I avoid giving advice since I have enough to handle managing my own relationship. Still, my intention was to help encourage another person who appears to be a genuinely earnest man. Earnest men are so hard to find these days. In this post, you seem to be confident. I would like to comment about one thing, if I may. Abuse comes in many forms, as I'm sure you're aware. Physical abuse usually is the point where people decide to get out, but there are all sorts of other ways to hurt someone and do considerable damage. You point out a few -- jealousy (the ugly green horned monster), accusations and suspicion. These are not the ingredients for a loving relationship. My holiday wish for you is to continue the healing process, to let your true self shine through, and to be open to new relationships -- especially those that are healthy -- and that you find that some special someone who is kind and understanding, and who is as comfortable with himself as he is with you and who you are. In this way, you will be on the road to a relationship with a person who truly complements the earnest man you are. Many good thought and blessings. The ever elusive "Anonymous" poster.