When a relationship ends and one hopes to remain on decent terms with the former lover, is such a hope impossible? Should one even try to achieve such a result? It is a question I ask myself frequently these days. In theory it would seem possible. And in many ways it would seem a desirable result. I am not a confrontational person and always hope to see everyone happy.
I guess the big issue is whether both parties will admit that what once was is lost forever and that it can never again be re-achieved - at the very least not on the same terms. The relationship’s original wonder and purity have been damaged, probably beyond repair. One cannot erase the past, try as one might. And old wounds and disfunctionalities do not disappear on their own. What then is the best course of action?
Also, why do so many who want to reclaim a failed relationship seem doomed to repeat the very behaviors that pushed the relationship into decline in the first place. It is ever so easy for a person to say that they have changed and that past problems will not reoccur. Yet meanwhile, the questioning, jealousy, badgering and whatever other behaviors that drove the beloved away are still present. At least it seems from the perspective of the former beloved. Why can’t a person see their own behavior is their biggest problem? How does one convince someone that while they are still loved, one simply cannot be in a relationship with them anymore?
I guess the big issue is whether both parties will admit that what once was is lost forever and that it can never again be re-achieved - at the very least not on the same terms. The relationship’s original wonder and purity have been damaged, probably beyond repair. One cannot erase the past, try as one might. And old wounds and disfunctionalities do not disappear on their own. What then is the best course of action?
Also, why do so many who want to reclaim a failed relationship seem doomed to repeat the very behaviors that pushed the relationship into decline in the first place. It is ever so easy for a person to say that they have changed and that past problems will not reoccur. Yet meanwhile, the questioning, jealousy, badgering and whatever other behaviors that drove the beloved away are still present. At least it seems from the perspective of the former beloved. Why can’t a person see their own behavior is their biggest problem? How does one convince someone that while they are still loved, one simply cannot be in a relationship with them anymore?
3 comments:
Maybe there are some couples who can revive a relationship. I've heard of it happening. But there has to be real change, and probably professional help with that change from both parties. Because when they get back together they will fall into old habits and patterns of behavior unless there is a clearly understood plan in place to avoid repeating the same old mistakes. It would take a committment to work hard at it. Not easy at any rate. But worth it? It depends on the people involved. "Worth" is a value judgement. Define your terms carefully. Declare your expectations fully. Be open and honest with YOURSELF and your partner and your therapist. Both parties have to really want it, though.
My two cents, for what it's worth.
I think you should both just move on. I believe the same problems will present themselves again. A fresh start will do you both good.
I received a comment today on this post that per the author's request I will not publish. However, I did want to thank the writer for the kind remarks directed at me and also to offer my condolences to him on his recent loss.
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