Bermuda Cruise Reflections

Dining Room at Fourways Inn

I have not blogged in days - the longest break ever since I started blogging daily in 2007 - largely because we have been so busy with friends and I have had to do legal work everyday except one.  We are at sea today and will arrive back in Norfolk tomorrow morning.  The trip has been a lot of fun and my impression of Bermuda has been positive even though it needs to catch up on LGBT rights and same sex marriage.  The island is far more tropical than I expected.  The most memorable parts of the trip were dinner at the Fourways Inn on Monday and lunch at The Reefs on Tuesday.  Friends on the cruise are the former owners of The Reefs and the Fourways Inn is one of their long time favorite restaurant.  On Monday night, the husband and I and a young married gay couple enjoyed the partying and dancing at Club Aqua near the cruise terminal at the Navy Wharf.

The original portion of the Fourways Inn was built in 1727 of native coral stone and cedar by John Harvey of Harvey's Bristol Cream fame, who made it his home. The name came from the fact that the residence spread in all four directions and was enclosed within two and a half acres of walled garden.  The property now also includes 10 guest suites.

The Reefs is built strung along a cliff on the southeast side of Bermuda with a beautiful private beach.  The current owner used to work for our friends when they owned the place.  We had an amazing lunch on the terrace with a special menu and spectacular views.  The photos below are of the view we enjoyed.

 

Going to a Historic Wedding Today

Our friends Tim Bostic and Tony London - the lead plaintiffs in the Virginia marriage case - are getting married today at beautiful Christ and St. Luke's Episcopal Church in Norfolk today (the church is like a small cathedral as the images below shows).  The wedding ceremony is open to the community and the husband and I will be in attendance and are among those lucky enough to be included in the guest list for the elegant reception to follow.  Above is a photo from the rehearsal last night.  It should be an amazing wedding and we are so happy for these wonderful guys who had the courage to take a huge risk and put themselves out the to create change.Local media coverage is here.

I am hard on religion, but there are some good and decent denominations that put love and the Gospel message over hate and bigotry, and the Episcopal Church is one of them as is the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America to which I still formally belong.  Would that all Christian denominations would follow their lead.

Lead Plaintiffs in Virginia Marriage Case Plan Wedding

Attending friends' weddings is always moving.  Particularly the weddings of gay friends whose relationship has been challenged by anti-gay bigotry still prevalent in America and, up until recently, non-recognition under the civil laws - even when the relationship has endured for longer than many, many heterosexual relationships.  But on May, 2, 2015, the husband and I will attend a wedding that has special meaning to us.  Because the efforts of couple getting married, our own marriage in the District of Columbia became legally recognized in Virginia.  The couple I am referring to are Tim Bostic and Tony London, a couple who have been together for over two decades. The wedding will be something amazing from the ceremony in a gorgeous church to a reception that will have a stunning venue.  The Washington Blade looks at Tim and Tony's wedding planning (the article is written by Tim).  Here are highlights:

As a gay man who never thought getting married was possible, I tuned out when people started talking about weddings. We were so concerned about being able to get married it never occurred to me to think about the wedding itself. The one thing I would advise anyone is make sure you have people you can rely on. Our caterer, Cathy Carter with East Beach Catering, and our wedding planner, Ivory Morgan-Burton with Storybook Events, have helped me as I slowly came to understand all of the ins and outs of planning a wedding. The number of things that have to be done meant we had to choose between our wedding or our honeymoon. We had hoped to go on a safari after the wedding. The wedding won.

When we started our fight for marriage equality in Virginia, we were cautioned that it would not be a fast process. The attorneys told us it would probably take five years, so I wasn’t thinking about the wedding because I was focused on obtaining the right to marry the man I love. Thus, when the Supreme Court decided in October not to hear our case and uphold the 4th Circuit Court’s decision, I found myself with no more fight on my hands but a wedding to plan instead. The day after the decision, we met with the rector of our church and picked the first Saturday available, May 2. When I sat down with my caterer Friday of the same week, she knew I had a date set and she asked where the reception was going to be. I told her that I didn’t know, and that was why I was there.

Blanching, she looked at me and said, “You are getting married May 2nd, and you don’t have a venue?” I told her, “Cathy, I didn’t know we could get married until this week!” Bless her heart, she got on the phone, made about 10 phone calls in as many minutes, and found us a venue. The problem was it only held 200 people, so our hope of being able to invite all of the people in the community who supported us was shot. Of course, as I begin to understand the costs involved in a wedding, I guess it worked out.

While much of the planning has been stressful, there have also been some amazing moments. Once we had the church and our venue, I started to reach out to my friends to ask them to be attendants. It felt awkward calling people and asking them to spend money on clothes, airline tickets and hotel rooms. As I asked them to stand up with us, I apologized about them having to spend so much money. All of my straight friends laughed and said they’ve done this numerous times and they know what’s involved. They told me this is one time they were truly happy to do it.

Having a wedding provides a unique opportunity to bring the people in one’s life together. The female attendants, who are spread around the country, came in for the dress fitting and we had an amazing time. Our best men had everyone over for a dinner party. As we were getting ready to leave, I stood on the front porch looking in at these people who mean the world to me and realized there’s never been a reason to have all of these people, who represent my support structure from birth until today, together in one place.

Waiting for everyone to say their goodbyes, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy, illustrating another reason to be grateful that Tony and I can get married. About three weeks after the decision, we went to a dinner party with three other couples from our neighborhood. As we sat down at the table, the hostess told us our next-door neighbor Jim brought champagne to toast our engagement. It seemed a little strange since we have been together for 25 years, but it also felt good. As he raised his glass to toast us, he said if 20 years ago someone had told him that this conservative, Virginia Military Institute graduate would support marriage equality, he would have told them they were out of their mind. However, he was so grateful that Tony and I moved in next door to him and opened his mind and heart. He thanked us for making him a better person. I think straight people understand just how important marriage is and these experiences illustrate how important it is that LGBT folks have the opportunity to partake in this major societal rite.

So on May 2, Tony and I will stand in front of our friends, family and community and pledge ourselves to each other for life, and while I know a piece of paper doesn’t make a difference in terms of our love for one another, it validates us a couple in the eyes of the law and our community. When we wake up on May 3, I don’t know if we will feel any different. But, I do know that on May 3, 2015 Tony and I will finally be married, just like everyone else.

We are looking forward to the event!  From my own experience, in some ways being married after being together for six years was anti-climatic.  But in other ways just knowing that we were finally recognized as a couple - we are going through the throes of having our accountant determine if we should file a joint return or not - makes a huge difference.  As does the ability to have the husband on my health coverage.   

Happy Birthday Douglas!

We are looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks.  In the meanwhile, I suspect this will bring a smile to your face!

Happy Birthday!!

Holiday Weekend Images

UPDATED:  The dinner party was a great success.  It was the two of us, two other gay couples and four country club women.  Would that all Virginians were as progressive and accepting as our friends.

This weekend has been a social whirlwind, starting with Thanksgiving Day through today when the boyfriend and I are hosting a dinner party for a dear friend before she heads south to the Florida Keys for the winter.  We enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner at the Paradise Ocean Club at Ft. Monroe.  Since then we've been to events/dinner at the Hampton Yacht Club, the James  River Country Club, friends' homes and tonight dinner at home with 8 guests.  Here are a few photos:

View from out table at the Paradise Ocean Club

My youngest daughter and her family and yours truly

My granddaughter waiting for Thanksgiving Dinner to start

The table set and decorated for dinner tonight

I hope readers have had a wonderful weekend as well.

Revisiting My Straight World - Possible Lessons Learned

Alanton-Baycliff: Some Past Board Members and Former Presidents (I'm 5th from the left)

When I first came out and moved out of my marital home almost 11 years ago, I put myself into somewhat of a social exile.  I moved from Virginia Beach to the Ghent area of Norfolk and avoided Virginia Beach like the plague other than going to sporting events in which my children were competing - mostly summer swim league and high school swim team meets.  Why did I do this?  In retrospect, because I did not want to deal with facing people and questions and because I still had not overcome huge amounts of internalized homophobia.  Yes, some friends from my straight world rejected me.  For example, I became invisible to some former surf buddies who would walk by me without even acknowledging that I was standing in front of them.  But others might have accepted me had I given them more of an opportunity.  Instead, I did not give them an opportunity because I was still transferring my own internalized homophobia to them and prejudging what they would think.

I brig this up because I am regularly approached by e-mail, phone call or request for in person meetings - as happened this week - by married men with children going through the early stages of the coming out journey.  Many immediately assume that they will face total rejection by friends and family.  Yes, that can and does happen, but it is not guaranteed that it will.  Perhaps immediately putting one's self into a self-imposed exile isn't always the best way to proceed.  It certainly assures much loneliness in those early days and for me deep depression.  Perhaps I did not take the best approach.

Last evening, the boyfriend and I along with my youngest daughter and granddaughter attended the second annual "Old Timers Reunion" at the neighborhood pool in my old Virginia Beach neighborhood.  I served on the pool board of directors for 5 years and was president of the pool for 2 years.   My family and I were members for over 18 years.   Other than swim meets where many friends were busy working as volunteers for putting on the meets, I never returned until last year for the first "Old Timers" reunion.  I was terrified and downed several quick glasses of wine to "take the edge off" last year.   It went well and so we returned again last night.  Again it went well and I got kisses from many of the women and even hugs from some of the guys.  I can help but wonder in retrospect who rejected whom a decade ago.   

I hope that those in the painful coming out process don't jump to conclusions and immediately assume that they will be rejected.  Yes, they may be rejected, but don't immediately assume that that has to be the case.  If it happens, so be it.  But don't be the one forcing what might be an unnecessary exile.

My granddaughter - totally wiped out from socializing at the reunion

Ft. Lauderdale - Day 3

We had a great day yesterday and are truly enjoying our visit at our friends' home (pictured above).  Dinner the night before at the Lighthouse Point Yacht Club was very nice and I enjoyed getting a chance to lie in the sun reading a book.  Last night we had 12 friends over for a dinner party: appetizers, shrimp and grits with sausage and lobster, and a wonderful coconut custard that the boyfriend whipped up.  The signature drink was madras punch.  The sunset was beautiful - especially knowing that it was snowing in Hampton Roads.

Today the plan calls for more enjoying the sun and a cruise on our hosts' beautiful boat.  The photo below shows more of the party guests sitting on the back patio overlooking the pool and waterfront.

Ft. Lauderdale - Day Two

We had a wonderful day staying with our friends in Lighthouse Point, Florida, despite the rainy weather which should be gone tomorrow.  We had lunch and dimmer at the beautiful Lighthouse Point Yacht Club (pictured above) which has reciprocal privileges with the Hampton Yacht Club where the boyfriend and I are now members.  Tomorrow we are hosting a dinner party - the "Mo down" as our hosts call it with a group that has now grown to 16 people.

Ft. Lauderdale - Day One

Pool and covered terrace

The boyfriend and I had uneventful flights down to Ft. Lauderdale this morning after leaving the house at 6:00 AM.  We rendezvoused with one of our hosts at the airport and traveled to Lighthouse Point where their beautiful home is located.  As seems to be true to form for me, while checking my office e-mail, I discovered a mini-crisis had developed and I had to spend time on work matters this afternoon - as fortunately did one of our hosts who had to do an hour conference call with her office making my absence less obnoxious.  Now it's time to relax and get in the pool which is 88 degrees and have a cocktail!!  The photos are scenes in this post are of the back yard at our hosts' home..

View out our bedroom patio door

Tomorrow it's the beach and lunch with friends followed by taking our hosts to dinner at the Lighthouse Point Yacht Club - the boyfriend and I are now members of the Hampton Yacht Club and through it have reciprocal privileges at a number of other yacht clubs around the country.  Saturday night the boyfriend and I are hosting a dinner party for our hosts and eleven friends. It has become a tradition when we visit.

And yes, we will be checking out some of the gay night spots while we are in town.  It should be a nice long weekend.

Weekend Reflection - Building Social Networks

This afternoon after enduring yesterday's torrential down pours (some areas around here received 10 inches of rain) - we learned that our new industrial sump pumps in the house work -and family medical issues, the boyfriend and I joined some of our friends at the so-called County Club in Virginia Beach for some much needed down time.  The place isn't really a country club - it's the home of a friend who throws pot luck pool parties on Sunday afternoons when the weather permits. The food always ends up being great, the Madras punch is as well, and the camaraderie is wonderful.  I began going to the parties about 6 years ago, well before the boyfriend and I got together.  The mix of attendees varies and while it's typically an older crowd, we do see younger folks, some of whom are worthy of being "male beauties."

Today there were a number of new folks, some of whom are new to the area or who have been out of the social mix for some time.  And it made me think of my struggles after coming out to rebuild a new social world.  Yes, going to social settings where you don't know anyone - or perhaps only a handful of people - can be VERY stressful and unnerving.  But, it is something that one MUST do.  The first "County Club" party I went to I was a wreck, but I persevered and now I have dozens of friends that I might not otherwise have.

My message to those newly out - especially those coming out after years of marriage - is that it's hard work.  To make friends, one needs to make a concerted effort and keep going back to social settings until you get to know people and feel comfortable.  My other advice is to GET INVOLVED in LGBT community organizations.  It is the number one way to meet the kind of individuals one wants as friends - and possible life partners.  Again, it takes and effort and can be scary as hell, but the rewards are well worth the effort.

Sunset view across Lake Smith

Hurricane Issac Update - The GOP Convention Will Be Wet at Best

The cynic in me continues to hope that Hurricane Issac turns the GOP Convention in Tampa into a bust, but with no serious damage to Floridians.  No one needs to see the disingenuous propaganda that will be pumped out from that coven of lunatics, bigots, racists, and anti-democracy forces that will be assembling for the GOP gathering.  The map above shows Issac's position this morning.  With friends in Key West, my thoughts are on their safety and I hope that wonderful island is spared from any severe damage.

Sweltering Heat and Morning Reflections

The sweltering heat continues in Hampton Roads and even though the official high temperature yesterday was 98 at the Norfolk airport that sits near Chesapeake Bay (and is moderated temperature wise by the Bay's proximity), the thermometer in the back yard topped out at 105 in the shade.  Definitely too hot even for a sun worshiper like me to stand.  So why didn't I blog more yesterday?  Apparently the heat took its toll on our local Internet provider and the Internet went into sleep mode or some other melt down mode and ground to a near halt.  I couldn't even get the blog "new post" option to load.   I took solace in reading a new archeology/thriller novel stretched out under a ceiling fan.

But I did have time to think about some of the good things about are life in Virginia - an often wretched state to live in if one is an LGBT individual.  And what's good comes down to our friends, and not just our gay friends.  Friday night the boyfriend and I took three of his widowed clients out to steak night at The Wave - a Norfolk gay bar - and then for dessert at Sassi Cakes and Sweets in Ghent area of Norfolk.  These women are outrageous fun and were right at home in a gay club.  They indeed have a resilience and spark right out of "Steel Magnolias."  It was a wonderful evening and they are game for another night out with the gay boys.

Then last night we had an older couple over who are truly remarkable both in terms of their achievements over the course of their lives and their sense of fun and open mindedness.  The purpose of the dinner was to celebrate the husband's 78th birthday.  Would that more Virginians had their style, love of life and spirit of acceptance of others.  I truly treasure them and they have become surrogate parents of sorts for me now that both of my parents are gone.

This afternoon, we will take refuge by a friend's pool (see below) and most likely have a libation or two - or three.  Friends do make the difference in one's life.  The boyfriend and I are blessed to have wonderful friends even in a backwards place like Virginia.

Hampton Tornado Update

This video was filmed in front of one of our friend's home and is where we worked most of yesterday helping with clean up.

As a number of readers have gathered, tornadoes are very unusual events in this part of Virginia.  We are accustomed to northeasters, tropical storms and hurricanes - all of which have plenty of advanced warning associated with them - so Friday night's event caught everyone by total surprise.  The National Weather Service has confirmed that Friday night's tornado was an EF1 with winds of 98 miles per hour.  A small event by Mid-West standards, but again something that rarely is seen here.  The tornado came ashore about 2 miles to the east of our home on Chesapeake Avenue in the Old Wythe neighborhood first slamming into Chesapeake Avenue where it continues after a brief break in the Merrimac Shores neighborhood (all the news coverage mentioning Chesapeake Avenue caused us to receive a deluge of calls checking on our safety).  The storm then roughly followed the west bank of the Hampton River up into downtown passing over the Crowne Plaza Hotel before a brief jump to the east side of the river.    The map below shows the curse of the storm track.  

Click image to enlarge

Two of our good friends - the owner of the shop beneath the boyfriend's salon (which was totally fine) and Hampton's mayor, Molly Ward - live in the Park Place area of what's called Little England from the name of the colonial era estate that once encompassed the area which was very hard hit.   The boyfriend and I helped move a totally destroyed aluminum john boat that had come to rest on the shp owner's front steps - we never did figure out where it had come from.    The tree damage at the Ward residence and the adjoining home of the late mayor's mother was horrific: several 100+ year old live oaks uprooted, half of a giant magnolia down, and tree sized limbs ripped off of other century old trees.  The homes suffered relatively minor damage all things considered most likely because they were built in the 1800's when houses were built to truly last.  The boyfriend and I spent over 6 hours yesterday helping these two friends clean up the huge mess, with the boyfriend wielding a chain saw and yours truly dragging limbs and chunks of tree trunk to the huge pile that quickly developed on the corner of the park in the center of the neighborhood..  While a number of other friends assisted in the effort, some total strangers that none of us had previously met also pitched in to help.

The City of Hampton estimates 206 single family homes and 99 multi-family homes were damaged to varying degrees.  WTKR-TV (which filmed me briefly while I was hot and dirty!) reports that the two hardest-hit neighborhoods, Merrimac Shores and Victoria/Park Place are still without power as of last evening. Many poles were snapped and lines are down and both neighborhoods are blocked off to vehicles (even residents and we parked and walked in to Park Place) while power crews replace poles and lines.  We saw one friend that lives right near the Hampton Yacht Club who said their roof had blown off.  Below are some photos:

Near the yacht club

Hampton Yacht Club - friends were there went the tornado hit

Tree damage

Amory's Seafood plant near downtown

Tornado Hits Hampton, Virginia

It was a crazy evening last night as a tornado touched down here in Hampton, Virginia.  The photo above is a shot taken from Chesapeake Avenue (our street) of the water spout/tornado headed across Hampton Roads harbor towards Hampton.  The twister came ashore further to the east on Chesapeake Avenue in the Merrimac Shores neighborhood and proceeded from there through the area of the Hampton Yacht Club where it did extensive damage and then through a residential area called Little England (named after a colonial era estate) which has some of the most beautiful old homes in the city and then into downtown wreaking havoc on the pirate themed weekend festival that had kicked off yesterday afternoon.

Our home and the boyfriend's salon in downtown Hampton came through unscathed (a friend drove by the salon to check it out and said other than some debris in the parking lot it was OK) but some friends (who texted us to say they were safe) who live in the Little England area probably were not so lucky.  The owner of the women's apparel and home furnishings store called "Cricket" that leases the first floor of the salon building reported that her home on Park Place in Little England had lots of large tree limbs down and that a boat of unknown origin was sitting in her front yard.  She said a neighbors Mercedes had a tree on it. Reports are that several homes have been condemned due to damage.  The photo below shows the storm approaching downtown with the Virginia Air and Space Museum in the center of the photo in front of the approaching funnel cloud.  Behind that are the Hampton Yacht Club where a number of friends keep their boats and the Little England neighborhood. 

The first video below shows some of the damage at the Yacht Club.  The second is filmed in front of our friend's home in Little England.  I will post more as additional information is available.

Witnesses describe tornado sighting: wavy.com

A Proud Father's Wedding Reflections

All of the work in the yard and reception planning paid off and the wedding and reception went wonderfully well.  And the weather cooperated completely and was near perfect.   I think everyone had a great time and better yet all went smoothly with my former wife, her new husband and the former and new in-laws.  The food was great and the "white stars" - champagne, peach schnapps and a slice of peach - were a big hit.  The only regret I have is that being the hosts, I don't feel I had enough time to talk to anyone in particular as I tried to talk with everyone. I can't wait to see the photographer's full selection of photos.  The image above gives you a sampling of what her work is like.

This morning is feeling anti-climactic, but in a good way, the house is pretty much back to normal and I think it will be a day to be lazy and probably go chill at a friend's pool.  I'll post more later in the day.  Below are a few photos that we took with our camera.

The bride and her parents

The ceremony

My two daughters and new son-in-law

The new son-in-law

The Boyfriend with my children and me

The first dance

Super Bowl Reflections

I will be the first to admit that I'm not a pro-sports fan, but nonetheless the boyfriend and I went to a great Super Bowl party in Virginia Beach hosted by our friend who throws the Sunday afternoon pool parties we enjoy so much in the summer. Madonna did a great half time show performance, but for me the best attraction was the gorgeous Tom Brady. It was fun seeing folks in the local LGBT community that we haven't seen much since summer. Thankfully, in not too many months we will be celebrating reopening of the pool.

As for the game, it's true that the Patriots did not win, but Brady was nonetheless beautiful (at least in my opinion). I hope everyone enjoyed their afternoon and evening.

Hurricane Irene - 8-26-2011 Evening Update

After dropping my car off at a downtown Hampton parking garage - the City isn't charging for those living in lower lying areas - the boyfriend and I worked all afternoon (with the help of two wonderful friends) and into the evening moving all of the backyard furniture and plants into the backyard shed and the fenced in herb garden, getting the flood doors in place and moving all of the first floor furniture either to the second floor or placing it up on tables to get it some two and one half feet off the floor. Needless to say, I am exhausted and the boyfriend and I have showered and enjoyed a cocktail or two, The pictures below show the great room (a before photo is here) and some shots of the flood doors.

The good news is that Hurricane Irene seems to be weakening - although Isabel did the same thing in 2003 and contrary to forecasts went from at weak tropical storm back to a category 1 hurricane, catching Hampton Roads largely unprepared and doing over $1 Billion in damage. Tomorrow, if the storm remains on course to Hampton Roads and at least a category 1 storm, then we'll be moving items from the lower cabinets in the kitchen, a downstairs closet and the pantry and a floor to ceiling china cabinet. Here are some highlights from the Virginian Pilot:

Officials expect the Midtown Tunnel and Hampton Roads Bridge-Tunnel will have to close by Saturday morning between 6 a.m. and 11 a.m., according to a news release from the Virginia Department of Transportation's Hampton Roads District. The tunnels are affected not only by wind speeds, but by tides and storm surges.

Irene is now expected to be a Category 1 hurricane, with sustained winds of 85 miles per hour, when it hits Hampton Roads tomorrow, according to the latest predictions from the National Weather Service.

Previously it was expected to hit at Category 2 strength, meaning sustained winds of 96 to 110 miles per hour. A Category 1 storm has sustained winds of 74 to 95 miles per hour.

Hurricane-force winds of about 90 miles per hour should start hitting the Outer Banks around 8 a.m. Saturday, according to Nick Fillo, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service in Wakefield.

The Norfolk area will start seeing hurricane-force winds around 4 p.m. tomorrow, with the eye of the storm passing by off the shore of Virginia Beach around 7 or 8 p.m., Fillo said.

Obviously, the Outer banks - an area that I truly love - will bear much more of the brunt of Irene when it first comes ashore.

On a different note, this blog has broken today all past records in terms of reader visits. I thank all of you for your interest and the loyalty of long term readers. Your support means more to me than you will ever know.

Lazy Summer Days

One of our summer past times is to attend a friend's Sunday afternoon pot luck pool parties in Virginia Beach where everyone brings food and beverages and at some point gets involved in the extremely competitive and sometimes comical volley ball games in the pool. The photo above is from last Sunday's get together (the boyfriend is in the hat at left).

Pool Party Season Begins!

One of the Sunday afternoon past times the boyfriend and I enjoy is attending pot luck/pool parties hosted by friends with pools. One of the first parties of the season was on Sunday - yours truly is relaxing in the background at left while the young guys pose for photos. As usual, there was tons of food and a good time was had by all - even if the still freezing (in my view) water in the pool caused only the bravest to decide to play volleyball.

Weekend Travel Reflections

UPDATED: We went by the house and it is GORGEOUS!! We will definitely be back to visit later in the year once our friends have moved in!
*
So far we are having a great trip and arrived in Ft. Lauderdale uneventfully. We had a great dinner with our hosts celebrating their anniversary last night and the weather today looks like it will be absolutely beautiful. One of today's outings will be checking out the new house that our friends are in the process of buy (see photo above). Also, today is the birthday of one of our hosts and "Martha Stewart" will be preparing a birthday feast here at the house. Tomorrow we are having a bunch of gay friends over for a get together. It's a nice break to have some warm weather - it's only in the low 40's in Hampton Roads!