Birthday Reflections

Today is my birthday and is often the case I found myself reflecting on life in general, the past, present and what the future may hold.  Topping off the day was a "small dinner get together" that the husband said he had put together at the Hampton Yacht Club )above is a view from the upstairs dining room).  That "small" group numbered twenty five (25) people including the two of us and included very dear gay friends and some of our amazing straight ally friends, including some of his long time clients.   Indeed, one might describe these individuals as our "extended family."

Looking back to my first birthday after I had "come out" and moved out of the home I used to live in with my former wife, the contrast could not be more stark.  Back then, I knew almost no one, was still closeted at work, and as I recall had dinner with my youngest daughter but knew no on else and had overall a very depressing day.   Now, I am out at work and socially and I have almost too many friends to count.  Time and perseverance does make a difference.   But the biggest thing that I did was get involved in LGBT community groups.  Co-founding HRBOR and getting involved literally changed my life. 

For those who find themselves where I was in those dark and bleak days that predated this blog, I cannot stress enough the need to get involved.  People are not going to flock to you.  You need to find ways to meet them, and not just in gay bars or on Grindr or similar dating/hook up sites.  Is it awkward and uncomfortable at times putting yourself out there?  Most assuredly, but the pay offs can be remarkable. 

Weekend Reflection - Building Social Networks

This afternoon after enduring yesterday's torrential down pours (some areas around here received 10 inches of rain) - we learned that our new industrial sump pumps in the house work -and family medical issues, the boyfriend and I joined some of our friends at the so-called County Club in Virginia Beach for some much needed down time.  The place isn't really a country club - it's the home of a friend who throws pot luck pool parties on Sunday afternoons when the weather permits. The food always ends up being great, the Madras punch is as well, and the camaraderie is wonderful.  I began going to the parties about 6 years ago, well before the boyfriend and I got together.  The mix of attendees varies and while it's typically an older crowd, we do see younger folks, some of whom are worthy of being "male beauties."

Today there were a number of new folks, some of whom are new to the area or who have been out of the social mix for some time.  And it made me think of my struggles after coming out to rebuild a new social world.  Yes, going to social settings where you don't know anyone - or perhaps only a handful of people - can be VERY stressful and unnerving.  But, it is something that one MUST do.  The first "County Club" party I went to I was a wreck, but I persevered and now I have dozens of friends that I might not otherwise have.

My message to those newly out - especially those coming out after years of marriage - is that it's hard work.  To make friends, one needs to make a concerted effort and keep going back to social settings until you get to know people and feel comfortable.  My other advice is to GET INVOLVED in LGBT community organizations.  It is the number one way to meet the kind of individuals one wants as friends - and possible life partners.  Again, it takes and effort and can be scary as hell, but the rewards are well worth the effort.

Sunset view across Lake Smith

Access AIDS Care Fundraiser

Each summer a friend hosts a barbecue/pool party to raise funds for a worthy Cause: Access AIDS Care which provides much needed services in the Hampton Roads area. Access is also the umbrella organization under which the new LGBT Center of Hampton Roads has been launched. Consider donating if you haven't done so. Donations can be made online. The event yesterday was a great success with probably a couple hundred attendees - despite passing rain showers while we were setting up that fortunately passed on through - and a lot of fun as some of the photos show. The theme this year was the South Seas and the crowd was creative in some of the costumes. Yes, I'm in one photo and I've vowed to start doing sit ups again! For those coming out later in life, I cannot stress how much getting involved in LGBT organizations has helped me build a new and vibrant circle of friends.

Sunday Morning Reflections

It's been a busy weekend so far, and today the boyfriend and I will probably just chill and recharge - maybe a movie and a bike ride along our street that runs along Hampton Roads for a distance of about three miles (the photo is a view towards the Norfolk Naval Base on the other side of the harbor). Reflecting over the period of time since I came out, so much has changed from the days when I had my entire social circle more or less dissolve, leaving me often despondent. That thankfully lost world of closeted suburbia has been replaced with a large social circle and often too busy social life. This weekend has been a case in point and demonstrates that things do get better, even if not at the pace we'd like at times. Friday evening kicked the weekend off with a costume party hosted by friends - the boy friend was a pirate with a Louis XIV style wig and I went as my standard Dracula wearing tails that I bought many years ago in Mobile, Alabama for Mardi Gras, and face paint mixed with glitter to give me a "True Blood" iridescence. Since it was an all gay and lesbian crowd, it goes without saying that some of the other costumes were amazing.

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Then yesterday I had an all day HRBOR board retreat where we recharged as a board and worked on details for a Winter Wine and Food event scheduled for January 22, 2011 that HRBOR will be hosting as a fund raiser. When I receive e-mails from individuals who are heterosexual marriages and beginning the coming out process, one thing I stress to them is GET INVOLVED in organizations within the LGBT community. It's the best way to meet like minded people and rebuild your life. It is hard at times to describe how huge a role HRBOR has played in getting me to the point I have achieved in terms of now having a large circle of friends - not to mention increased self acceptance. Since I and nine others founded HRBOR (we launched in May, 2007) the various board members have become wonderful friends. Better yet, together we have all grown in terms of building our businesses and in dedication to our mission to make a difference for the LGBT community in this region. It has been an arduous task at times, but with dealings with the City of Hampton on the issue of the revitalization of the Phoebus area of the city and the recent addition of the Norfolk Convention & Visitors Bureau as a member of HRBOR, we are clearly opening minds and making progress.

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Following a full day, we went to an ACCESS AIDS Care dinner hosted at the home of friends in Norfolk - it was billed as a wine and murder mystery evening. (We will be hosting our own fundraiser dinner for that organization next Friday evening.) After that, we went to The Wave to dance for a couple hours before heading back to Hampton. On Halloween eve, the costumes at the dance club were pretty creative. No one does Halloween costumes better than the LGBT crowd.

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It does get better. My situation is but one example. My message to those coming out in mid-life is be patient. It is truly a years long process, but it is survivable.

Reflections on Coming Out and Rebuilding One's Circle of Friends

I receive e-mails somewhat regularly from readers who are either still in the closet or in the process of coming out and going through often nasty divorces. Obviously, I am no expert on the topic and have had my own extremely bumpy ride on the divorce front. Nonetheless I have managed to survive so far. I believe that in addition to the trauma of divorce and the impact it has on one's family, perhaps the biggest hurdle for those coming out in mid or later life is the prospect of what comes afterwards. In my case, I lost most of my supposed friends, was forced out of a law firm for being gay, went through the divorce from Hell and I had nothing certain to replace the world that I had lost. The result, not surprisingly, was sometimes deep depression and over a period of time two suicide attempts, one of which was almost successful. Looking back, what I feared the most was being alone and not finding a loving relationship with a man that met my requirements/expectations. All I could see was a dark and uncertain future while my old world no longer existed.

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Starting from the ground floor and rebuilding is not easy - especially for those of us over 50. But it CAN be done if one has patience and a positive attitude - two things that are not always my strongest traits. . The wonderful evening I had tonight made me think about this issue as we drove back from a dinner party at a friend's home in Kingsmill on the James in Williamsburg (pictured above). In my darkest days, I never truly believed in my heart that I'd find the kind of relationship that I have with the boyfriend: someone who truly loves me and who seeks nothing from me but to be loved in return. As an added bonus, I now have a wide circle of friends both within the LGBT community and in other social circles. Yes, they are totally different from the ones I knew during my married years, but most importantly, the people are genuine and do not define people based on their sexual orientation.

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Our hostess tonight was a wonderful widow friend of ours and with us for dinner were an older gay couple and an older doctor and his wife. Other than the hostess, I had never met any of the other dinner guests. Nonetheless, by the time we departed, I felt I had four new friends who are smart, witty, great fun, and authentic. In my married life, I had ever so many "friends" who were in fact merely acquaintances, most of whom postured to be whatever they thought the larger social setting wanted them to be. Were they necessarily bad people? Certainly not. But all were actors playing a role that they thought was assigned to them. I truly never got to know who they really were. Living authentically and having friends - even if few in number at first - who are truly authentic takes life to a whole new level.

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Again, I will not deny that the rebuilding process can be slow, arduous and even scary. But it can and will happen. One just needs patience and the strength to believe that a new life will evolve after the loss of one's old closeted life. And as I have said before, there is no price to be put on truly being who God made you to be without the restrictions and torments of the closet.