Revisiting My Straight World - Possible Lessons Learned

Alanton-Baycliff: Some Past Board Members and Former Presidents (I'm 5th from the left)

When I first came out and moved out of my marital home almost 11 years ago, I put myself into somewhat of a social exile.  I moved from Virginia Beach to the Ghent area of Norfolk and avoided Virginia Beach like the plague other than going to sporting events in which my children were competing - mostly summer swim league and high school swim team meets.  Why did I do this?  In retrospect, because I did not want to deal with facing people and questions and because I still had not overcome huge amounts of internalized homophobia.  Yes, some friends from my straight world rejected me.  For example, I became invisible to some former surf buddies who would walk by me without even acknowledging that I was standing in front of them.  But others might have accepted me had I given them more of an opportunity.  Instead, I did not give them an opportunity because I was still transferring my own internalized homophobia to them and prejudging what they would think.

I brig this up because I am regularly approached by e-mail, phone call or request for in person meetings - as happened this week - by married men with children going through the early stages of the coming out journey.  Many immediately assume that they will face total rejection by friends and family.  Yes, that can and does happen, but it is not guaranteed that it will.  Perhaps immediately putting one's self into a self-imposed exile isn't always the best way to proceed.  It certainly assures much loneliness in those early days and for me deep depression.  Perhaps I did not take the best approach.

Last evening, the boyfriend and I along with my youngest daughter and granddaughter attended the second annual "Old Timers Reunion" at the neighborhood pool in my old Virginia Beach neighborhood.  I served on the pool board of directors for 5 years and was president of the pool for 2 years.   My family and I were members for over 18 years.   Other than swim meets where many friends were busy working as volunteers for putting on the meets, I never returned until last year for the first "Old Timers" reunion.  I was terrified and downed several quick glasses of wine to "take the edge off" last year.   It went well and so we returned again last night.  Again it went well and I got kisses from many of the women and even hugs from some of the guys.  I can help but wonder in retrospect who rejected whom a decade ago.   

I hope that those in the painful coming out process don't jump to conclusions and immediately assume that they will be rejected.  Yes, they may be rejected, but don't immediately assume that that has to be the case.  If it happens, so be it.  But don't be the one forcing what might be an unnecessary exile.

My granddaughter - totally wiped out from socializing at the reunion