Music Producer Clive Davis Comes Out as Bisexual and In A Same Sex Relationship

While he is now 80 years old, Clive Davis, the legendary music producer, has come out as bisexual and has confirmed that his last two relationships (including his current one) are with men.  Many in Davis age bracket would have remained closeted, so I greatly applaud Davis for coming out as he has done.  As noted many times on this blog, in many ways coming out as LGBT is the most powerful form of activism one can undertake because it forces family, friends and co-workers to rethink often long held prejudices.  Here are article highlights on this development:

Legendary music producer Clive Davis acknowledges his bisexuality in his memoir that hit bookstores on Tuesday.

“I was only turning to bisexuality after my second marriage failed, so that it was not an issue through my life,” he told Katie Couric during a segment about his book on her talk show. “Neither of my marriages were affected. I was totally attracted to women. When the marriage failed in the mid-80s, I opened myself up to the possibility that I could have a relationship with a man as well as with the two that I had with a woman.”

Rolling Stone reported Davis, 80, wrote in “The Soundtrack of My Life” that he had his first sexual encounter with another man during “the era of Studio 54.” He said he was in a “monogamous relationship” with a male doctor from 1990 to 2004.

Davis, who told Couric he is currently in a relationship with another man, said he “immediately” revealed his bisexuality to his four children and close friends.  “I felt it was private,” he said. “I did immediately reveal it to the people who count. I just didn’t hold a sign up.”

Davis acknowledged attitudes against bisexuality also contributed to his decision to not publicly come out  .  .  .  . 

Davis, who has worked with hundreds of artists including Janis Joplin, Alicia Keys and the late-Whitney Houston, told Couric he hopes his decision to come out will help change attitudes about those who are bisexual.  I’m still attracted to women,” he said. “You don’t have to be only one thing or another. For me, it’s the person. I’m in a monogamous relationship. I respect monogamy, and I hope that this is understood.”

I can already hear the Christofascists shrieking and carrying on about Hollywood and  pop music destroying America's morality.

What Does It Mean to be Gay and Middle Aged?

For those of us who came out in mid-life, we have no first hand knowledge of what it means to be young and gay. Oh yes, we see young gays around us at events and may read about it, yet we will never know what it is to be gay and out before finding ourselves in middle age. As I have remarked on occasion, "I was a has been from the moment that I came out." I suspect that getting older isn't easy regardless of whether one is gay or straight. However, given the emphasis on youth and beauty in the gay world - I find it hard to even find male beauty photos of older men despite google searches - the tribulations appear to be worse. I don't feel any older than when I was 29, but the mirror tells me otherwise. The Guardian has a story from the north of England that looks at the question of what it means to be gay and in middle age. Here are some sometimes humorous highlights:
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On Sunday at Fac251 in Manchester, promoter Paul Cons is reviving Flesh, his famous gay club of the early 90s for one night. As well as raising money for the Albert Kennedy Trust and the Peter Tatchell Human Rights Fund it's going to be a nostalgic night for older Manchester gays.
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"As well as creating an amazing party, I would love Flesh to be the start of a conversation about what it's like to be gay in your 30s, 40s, 50s in 2010. I think it's a good moment to look back at your youth, celebrate it, reflect on it, but also look at where we are now and where we're going."
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This set me thinking. I'm a staggering 51 – too old for alcopops yet too young for Midsomer Murders. So I asked my more mature gay followers on Twitter how they felt about middle age and got very different responses, from "It feels shit . . . Hate getting older, thank goodness for Botox, beauty therapists and booze," to "Really nice. I wish I could go back and slap the 17-year-old me though." Others asked why a gay man's experience of middle age would be any different from anyone else's.
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What had become of us? Of the 10, six were partnered up, two were single and two were dead. Four had moved to the country, one emigrated to Australia and three remained in London. Four had gone bald. Two had taken cocaine in the last year (and complained that it wasn't as good as it used to be). Three of us had contemplated adopting children or approaching lesbian friends with turkey baster in hand but it had all been talk and no issue resulted. Five had dogs, of which four were small and camp. Three had been out to a gay club in the last year
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Back in the days when my pleasure-seeking friends and I were out at Bang and Heaven and the Pink Pussycat every night of the week (and rather putting ourselves about) we viewed anyone over 40 with suspicion. If they dared to approach us, they would get the full force of our disdain. They were desperate and musty and just wrong. Nightclubs were for young people like us, and those coffin dodgers had no business being there.
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The difference, I conclude, between gays and straights when it comes to mid-life is that gays don't feel bound to fulfil certain roles. Why should we? Having lived our lives on the boundaries of society's norms we feel able to negotiate our way through the experience of ageing.
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The consensus is that middle-aged gays are happier than they were in their youth. . . . If my theory is right, Flesh on Sunday will be a fabulous event, throbbing with portly middle-aged northern gays at one with themselves at last but still able to cut a rug on the dance floor.

Divorce Wars - Another Battle and the Role of Counsel

I will not be posting much on Friday - this post was written Thursday evening - since I have yet another post-divorce hearing where the former wife will seek to further harass me and make me produce another ream of financial information that documents the fact that I do not have the funds currently to pay her what she demands. Accepting financial reality was not a strong suit on her part during our marriage and apparently little has changed. Increasingly, however, I believe a significant source of the ongoing legal circus is the fault of her latest attorney who, in my opinion is milking the ex-wife for all she can in terms of fees and taking advantage of the ex-wife's apparent thirst for vengeance. An ethical attorney would not take matters aimed solely at harassment and unnecessary litigation just to make more in fees.

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I have been in the legal profession for over 32 years and in my opinion, the former wife's attorney is one of the most ethically challenged I have encountered. Based on her bar card number, she's relatively new to the profession and she lacks years of experience. Moreover, again in my opinion, she has no qualms lying to judges and misrepresenting facts or resorting to gay bashing - the reason why I now have a court reporter now at every hearing to keep her and homophobic judges more honest. She even seems to delight in making gratuitous snide comments and remarks aimed at me or my attorney - out of the ear shot of the judges, of course.

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It has been my experience - at least among the corporate and commercial law bar - that one's word and reputation for ethical conduct as an attorneys are as valuable as gold. Trust worthy attorneys can agree on issues and matters can be more expeditiously resolved without needless nastiness and litigation. In fact, I once had a large multi-million dollar deal close and fund on my mere verbal assurance that I would issue a particular opinion post closing that the tax-credit purchaser requested. Honesty and above board conduct are invaluable in working with other attorneys - something that the ex-wife's attorney has not, in my opinion yet learned. Perhaps she never will. The reality is that if one is labeled a liar and a snake the word gets out and that attorney's clients will ultimately suffer in the form of lost compromises and increased fees and costs.

Divorce Wars - Part 4

I survived today in court - one hearing was continued because the judge recused herself (perhaps because she realizes that these matters may be appealed and she has made mistakes in prior hearings) and in the other the outcome was reasonable and reflected my financial reality. The former wife, in short, did not get what she wanted and merely wasted more money on attorneys fees. I have always wanted to sit down and try to work things out but it takes two to tango as they say. My offer to talk stands but I'm not holding my breath that it will be accepted.

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As always the boyfriend and my office manager were wonderfully supportive even thought they did not end up having to testify. I am blessed to have them and my young paralegal in my life - they are loyal, caring and wonderful.

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Sunday is Father's Day and my youngest daughter is coming over to hang out with us during the afternoon and then stay for dinner. She is another mainstay in my life and her love and support throughout the divorce wars nightmare has meant more to me than she will ever know. She is a very special and amazing gift from God to me.

Coming Out Travails

I have often advocated for LGBT Americans to come out and help force typical Americans to face the fact that they know gay Americans who may in fact be their neighbors, their children, their parents, their relatives or their friends and come to the realization that we are people just like they are. That said, it is not an easy journey to come out and, yes, I stayed in the closet for many, many years - far longer than I probably should have in retrospect. My journey coming out in mid-life has been anything but easy and as regular readers know, I certainly have my moments of sadness and despair as aspects of the divorce continue to play out. On the other hand, the rewards of living out and proud are beyond measure. Andrew Sullivan has a post that reminds us that timing can be critical in deciding when to come out. Here are some highlights from one of Andrew's readers:

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I wanted to respond to your post regarding the necessity of coming out. I came out to my mom during my first year of law school after falling in love with a wonderful man. Being from a Catholic and Latin American background, she did not take it very well. She wanted to put me in reparative therapy and was extremely verbally abusive until I was finally forced to move out of my home during my final week of exams.

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As you can imagine, I did terribly that semester. I had to sleep in my car and on friends’ couches until I was able to figure out whether to stay in law school or quit. I decided to finish school, and I recently graduated.

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I urge young people that are in still reliant on their parents to hold off coming out until they become financially independent. Unless you have family support, the consequences of coming out can be devastating. I was fortunate to have friends and a great boyfriend that gave me the support I needed to finish school and figure out who I was. I can only imagine where I would be without them.

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I am glad that I am out and I am proud to be gay. I do not regret one bit my decision, but I wish I had not been in such a vulnerable situation. I just speak from my own personal experience that often the price of being honest at a young age may be too high a price for some of us to pay.

Mental Health Update

I've received a number of messages of support and concern from readers - and even some phone calls from local readers - in respect to my recent emotional upheaval and mention of suicide in the midst of the ongoing post divorce wars. To be candid - and I've been open on this blog from its outset to pretty much everything going on in my life - the week before last I had three near complete emotional melt downs that resulted in the boyfriend taking me for a mental health assessment around midnight a week ago Friday. Because of my prior overdose attempts - particularly the one in October, 2006, after an all day crucifixion in court during the divorce when I came very close to succeeding in killing myself - I was very concerned that I was going to end up being admitted or that as soon as we left the police would be called to pick me up.

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Fortunately, with the assurances of the boyfriend that he would be with me constantly throughout the weekend and my promises that I'd not harm myself and that I'd make an appointment on Tuesday morning with a psychiatrist to get back on medication, I was allowed to leave. As I promised, I did see a psychiatrist - who turned out to be very gay affirming - and I'm once again on anti-depressants (I had stopped therapy and anti-depressants about a year or so ago principally because of the cost involved). I also have a new supply of xanax to deal with anxiety attacks which seem to hit most often in the middle of the night. The boyfriend is the keeper of the xanax which he doles out to me one pill at a time since in October, 2006, I overdosed on a full bottle of the stuff. I'm also working on finding a new therapist since my former therapist has retired. Hopefully, I can find someone I like on the first try.

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No doubt readers may wonder why I cannot hold it together better. In a nutshell it's because of the constant ongoing court hearings the former wife keeps initiating and my knowledge/fear that as a gay man the likelihood of me receiving fair treatment by the Court is near nil. The original divorce judge is a homophobic far right Catholic who apparently subscribes to the myth that being gay is a "choice" and that, therefore, I deserved to be severely punished for my sinfulness (other gays going through divorces have recounted similar experiences with this judge). The judge for the most recent round of hearings was a political appointee of the most delusional far right member of the Virginia Senate and in my opinion has the same mind set as the other homophobic judge. Oh yes, she claims when challenged that she's not biased, but in my opinion as Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, "the lady doth protest too much.

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I truly want this nightmare over. Through all this the boyfriend has been wonderful. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.

Who Is the More Selfish?

I get attacked frequently - usually by someone "anonymous," but not always - who accuse me of having been "selfish" for coming out of the closet and thereby causing upheaval to my former wife and family. According to these folks, I - and by analogy all gays and lesbians who married in a desperate effort to be what family, society, and our respective religious traditions told us we had to be - should forever remain in the closet and embrace a life sentence of unhappiness and no chance of finding self acceptance. In short, for the benefit of others we should accept a life time of unhappiness and it is not selfish of our families to want to condemn us to such a life.

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In some ways I'm not surprised by such comments since I suspect than most are made by Christianists who really care nothing about whether or not LGBT Americans are happy in their lives - and who, in fact, probably would like to see us all dead or at least invisible. But then there are others who make the same kind of comments even as they claim to allegedly care about me/us. They would condemn us to the same life sentence of unhappiness.

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If deciding to come out is "selfish," isn't even more selfish for a straight spouse - such as my former wife - to demand that a gay spouse should go back in the closet and never, ever come out (I can still picture where we were standing when this demand was made) so that the straight spouse's world remains undisturbed? Frankly, in my view such a demand shows that the straight spouse in reality cares nothing about the gay spouse - and likely never did in truth. Instead, the straight spouse's comfort, life style, and avoidance of perceived social embarrassment are more important that whether the gay spouse is condemned to a life of living Hell. In my own case, when I did not agree to that demand, I was then told to move out. Then when I did so, I was subsequently accused of "walking away from my family." Even though I drove myself into bankruptcy trying to continue to take care of them.

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Again, which is more selfish action: (1) to come out and try to accept one's sexual orientation and refuse to continue to live a lie, or (2) demand that someone live a lie for the rest of their life, knowing that to do so will cause them unhappiness and self-hate - just so the straight spouse/children's comfortable lifestyle isn't disturbed? It's an issue that I have thought about alot of late as the post-divorce nastiness and attacks have reached incendiary levels. Should I have sold my soul and remained an unhappy person so that others could avoid disruptions in their lives? To date, the former wife and the homophobic judges I've faced have resoundingly viewed me as the selfish one and done all in their power to punish me. As for my children, other than in the case of my youngest child, the verdict seems to still be out and fluctuates.

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I'd like to know what others think. Did I do something horrible in coming out? Or did others demand something even more horrible in demanding that I live a life of inner turmoild and self-hate? Who is the more selfish?

Thoughts of a Gay Parent

The boyfriend and I spent a wonderful evening having dinner with my two daughters tonight in honor of my oldest daughter's birthday - she turned 27 last week - and once again I could not help but believe that all the pain and suffering of being in the closet for so many years was worth it in order to have my wonderful children. My son lives in the Pacific Northwest now, so he has not had the opportunity to spend as much time with the boyfriend as my girls have, but I am blessed that they seem to love him and he loves all three of them very much.

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We met at a Mexican restaurant near the Lesner Bridge in Virginia Beach just a few miles east of the the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel near my parent's former neighborhood of Bay Lake Pines (the photo above is of a sunrise over the bridge tunnel as it heads across the Bay from Virginia Beach) . A combination of great conversation, good food and some excellent margaritas made for a great time. While my coming out later in life was not something easy for my children to deal with in many ways, I truly believe that they can now see that I am a far happier person and more loving father than I was during the years I was wracked with self-hate and trying so desperately to convince myself that I wasn't really gay. I wasted so much energy and missed so many opportunities to be a better father because I was so wrapped up in tying to "change" rather than simply be who God made me to be. I hope that if they learn nothing else from me it is that they must live their own lives to be who they are and not what they perceive others to want them to be.

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God made each of us to be a unique gift and we need to stop living to please others and instead live to our full potential as unique God given gifts to the world. Would that more people - especially alleged Christians - would not second guess God's creative genius and sense of diversity. I thank God for my children, the boy friend and the gift of being gay.

Michael Freedom Fund

Like many other LGBT bloggers, from time to time I receive some pretty nasty e-mails and/or comments (the latter do not get posted) such as one from someone of apparent Muslim extraction who attacked me for the Auschwitz photos I posted the other day before then laying into me for being gay and telling me all about how homosexuality is a sin.

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Yet another writer derided me for the "Michael Freedom Fund" and could not believe an attorney might be in financial distress. Thus, I want to set the record straight as to just what can happen in the Virginia Courts to a gay man who comes out in mid-life after being married. Not only was I basically put on trial for being gay, but I was crucified for it as well. After one horrific day in court, I was so devastated and traumatized that I went home and took a very large quantity of sleeping pills and anti-depressant medication. But for my former partner finding me and getting me to the ER, I would not be here today.

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None of this meant a wit to the judge in my case who in my opinion is a extreme far right homophobe. After my attorney bailed on me - God forbid he play hardball against a judge before whom he might have to appear in the future - I lost more or less everything to the ex-wife, including 100% of my retirement, and was left saddled owing her tens of thousands of dollars that I did not have (and still do not have). I was forced into Chapter 7 bankruptcy and got to keep my house (which is hardly in the best part of town) and my law practice only because they had no equity in them.

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As for my earning ability, since I am principally a real estate attorney and because due to the economic melt down our residential closing work volume is down 75-80% from where it was even in late 2006, one needs only to do the math to figure out that things are not in a good place financially. Yes, I do other things besides residential real estate and I basically market myself 24/7, but residential real estate is what covered the bills and the rest was the profit margin. Many overhead costs are fixed and not easily reduced short of closing the law firm and starting over all over again from scratch - without any start up capital. I have sublet part of my office space and reduced staff, but it remains a struggle. I even rented out part of my home, but just lost that tenant because he lost his job due to the economy. Anyone need a room?

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On the upside, I live my life out and proud and I am one of only two attorneys in this area of 1.6 million people that are brave enough - or crazy enough depending on one's perspective - to not stay in the closet professionally. I hope through this blog and by living openly and honestly I can help other LGBT individuals and maybe be to some small extent a role model for younger LGBT professionals. And yes, there are days when getting up, holding my head up and going on takes a great deal of effort. Oh, and as an added precaution, I don't keep sleeping pills around anymore.

Keys to A Successful Coming Out and Relationships

One of the reason I started this blog was to share my experiences coming out in mid-life and hopefully providing insights that would help others and/or allow them to side step some of my mistakes. Coming out is anything but an easy or overnight process and anyone contemplating doing so needs to understand that it will take time to get to the point of being at ease living as an out gay/lesbian. A couple of things have come to mind that I believe are important to making a successful transition.

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The first is the need to get involved in the gay community and organizations. Just going out to clubs or spending time in online chat rooms will not get you to the place you want to be. What prompted this thought is an article in the New York Times involving retirees who relocate to new locations, but much of the advice carries over to those in the coming out process since many of us find ourselves having to largely rebuild our social circles. Here are some highlights that I believe are applicable to those coming out:

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RUTH COY remembers the advice someone gave her for creating a new life in a new place: The magic words when you move to a new town are, ‘What can I do to help? . . . the most important factor for a successful transition is becoming connected to the local community. . . . “People need to participate in things,” said Warren Neal, an agent with ReMax Excaliber in Scottsdale, Ariz., “as a way to meet people in a new place.”

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While coming out may not involve moving to a new location in a physical sense, it will in many ways involve leaving old circles acquaintances and a need to become a part of new ones. Some of these should be within the larger LGBT community. This can include charitable organizations and other groups and activities. If one does not become involved, loneliness and a sense of isolation are likely outcomes.

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The second issue is finding ways to find a sense of comfort with one's sexual orientation and in time finding the right person for a committed relationship. When it comes to dating, it is important to remember that just because someone is attractive and/or shares some interests, it does not guarantee that they "are the one." It is very important that your would be partner be at a similar comfort level with who they are as you. Becoming involved with someone in the closet or who is not comfortable with their sexuality may well lead to problems. This quote from Gaytwogether looks at both the benefits of coming out and relationship pitfalls:

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He [the successful gay dater] has addressed any issues pertaining to internalized homophobia, feels a sense of acceptance and pride with being gay, and has overcome a lot of the gay stereotypes and myths that abound about gay men and dating. Coming out isn’t for everyone, but the more accepting you are about your sexual identity, the greater quality of life you can experience. You don’t have to live a double life any more, you no longer have to lie or hide behind secrets, you can live with less fear and stress, and your self-esteem tends to be higher in most cases. It’s not an easy feat, however—there’s years worth of shame to work through, but for most people the journey is beneficial as they can then live more authentically and truly be themselves. Dating and relationships can be made difficult without a resolution to this, particularly if both men are in different places of the coming-out continuum.

Birthday Retrospective

Candidly, yesterday was one of the best birthdays I have had in quite sometime even though the day was incredible hectic at the office. After that I had quiet dinner with a new romantic interest at his house.

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Throughout the day I received sweet birthday messages and greetings, including a wonderful song and uniquely delivered messages from my incorrigible angel (who I spoke with as well), Dave, a blogger friend in Cleveland, who sang me a nice rendition of "Happy Birthday," Magic Bellybotton, a card/quiz from Lyndon, telephone calls from my children and siblings, and many more birthday tidings. In addition, I had a surprise birthday cake both from my staff. There were still more delectable sweets after dinner with my special someone.

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Speaking of my special someone, the saying goes that you will find Mr. Right when you're not looking for him. In the case of these sweet individual, I am taking things slow out of an abundance of caution. However, it seems that the saying is true. I neither expected nor was looking for someone to unexpectedly appear out of nowhere as it were. What's even more uncanny are the parallels between my experience and the storyline being told by Michael at Gaytwogether in his "Michael's Daily Diary" series for those of you who may have been reading that blog. I do not remember when - at least in recent years - I have been made to feel so special and have been treated so wonderfully. Dinner last night was a perfect culmination of a wonderful day. It feels so nice and I only hope that I can give him a similar sense of tenderness, appreciation and wonder.

Early Morning Birthday Thoughts

Today is my birthday - I generally try to pretend that they are not happening - and haven't yet decided whether to wear all black today or not. :) The day has started out, however, in a very special way already. My incorrigible angel sent wonderful birthday wishes that he must have pre-programmed weeks ago to make sure that no matter what I received his birthday greetings. Since he is very private, I cannot direct readers to them, but suffice it to say, they were beautiful thoughts and delivered in a very imaginative way. I thank him from the bottom of my heart.

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That pleasant surprise was followed by an early telephone call with birthday wishes from a special someone that I have started seeing. The water lily photo is very much like that on a special card he made for me - he's creative and artistic - which I could never replicate. This evening, he is having something special for me so I have something to look forward through out the day. I likewise thank him for touching my heart already today. Before the day is out, I'm sure I'll have more calls from my children and family members too.

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Compared to a year ago, I am in a very different place spiritually and in terms of being comfortable with who I am. Yes, outwardly, I had adjusted to being an out gay man, but I guess that sense of ease with who I am had not yet be fully internalized. Added to that, my relationship with my former partner had ended badly and I was in some ways a sleep walker for some months after that. He and I still talk from time to time and he seems to have met someone nice, which makes me happy. I always wanted him to be happy and I surely was not giving him that due to fate, random chance, misalignment of the stars or whatever reason. Added to that, my divorce was still in a very brutal phase and was something that always clouded the horizon for me and provided a constant source of pain.

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Now, I feel that I've come into my own somewhat, if you will. At 56, my finances have not recovered from the divorce, a law firm imploding, etc., but I like who I am. To me, that sense of being comfortable in my own skin is beyond priceless. It is something that eluded me for so many years and decades. I am also doing a much better job of living in the moment and not driving myself crazy engaging in the illusion of trying to control the future while missing the joy to be experienced in the now. True, I still have improvement to make in not allowing myself to feel the old habit of letting panic start to touch me, but I'm light years from where I was before I began the coming out process. Coming out is not an easy process or for the feint of heart. But, if i had not done it, in addition to probably being dead from suicide, I'd never have found my real self.